Someday, All Of This Fun Has To End (Scheduled Post)

So last (Friday) night, even though I've been at home for a few hours after work and, with night falling, it felt ... "right" to just stay at home, I went out to gas up my car, go to Glam Doll, and write this.  I like spending ten bucks or more here once a week, but with my parents gone and probably judging me, "Why does he leave every Friday?" maybe I should cut it back to every other week.

Today (Saturday), I am going to drive all the way from home to Burnsville, a city I am sure I have never been to, in order to get a massage from a girl I haven't seen since the winter, just so I can have (at least I hope) a happy ending at the end of it.  I haven't been depressed really, but the past couple of days I've been imagining excusing myself to use the bathroom before we begin our massage session, then coming out of the bathroom with my pee-pee hanging out of my porno pants.  When I did it to her over the winter she kind of shrugged with a wry smile on her face.  Anticipating how she would act this time is the thing that's really making me happy.  And if it costs me $80, maybe more if she does more, I'm OK.

But then I remember that last week -- or was it two weeks ago? -- Mother gave me a month before I had to declare whether or not I was willing to take care of the upkeep of the house.  I might be halfway through my "thinking period" and I still don't know what to say or do.  But I know one thing: If I do take responsibility for the house, and if I can't find a regular job that pays me more money than I have now, I won't have any money for donuts or sexytime.  As soon as I leave work I will have to make a straight buzzline home, and then lock myself inside for fear of thinking I can have fun and spend money.

I took a look at my account for the first time in some time this afternoon.  After skirting low all summer and suffering a $700 credit card hit (which hasn't been totally paid off yet), these back-to-back weeks of full-time working is starting to expand the cushion in my checking.  That's a good thing.  But my checking account had similarly grown fat when I started working at this place this time last year, and from the three years before that when I was at the flu billing place.  It also expands when I start testing season.  And yet it always seems to shrink after I leave work because I spend money in order to keep myself happy in this life.  Right now, this lack of keeping money, the rollercoaster ride my checking account makes because of periods of employment and unemployment, is really bothering me.  If I have to start paying for taxes and maintenance of the house, I can't afford to spend it.  And therefore I can't live a life that makes me happy.

But I don't know if I have a choice.  Well, I have a copout: Declare I am going back to school.  But failing that, having discretionary money to use will have to stop.  And then I'll wonder if I can even survive, let alone live, once the gravy train stops coming.  But I don't want to think about it ... so I waste money by eating donuts late at night and getting handjobs during the day so I don't have to think about it.