Yes, yes, so this is very late. I'm late for a lot of things. But I still remember complaining (at least to myself) about not having things to talk about, and then I remember that I wanted to do a yearly dissection of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, the 2016 version of which I haven't done yet. I understand that this year's is already out, but I haven't found the perfect time to go to a gas station and hit up the only male worker so I wouldn't feel skeevy about buying it. So before I find the right opportunity to do that, I think I have enough time to talk about last year's here.
I think one of the main reasons I have delayed writing about this issue for so long is that it didn't give me enough of an impression. Sure, I jerked off to it as soon as I cracked open the issue. But I honestly cannot say that there were many models or even pictures that stood out to me. I don't think I've gotten jaded or polluted by porn or anything. I just didn't think the photographs were that hot. I've looked over the issue from time to time over the months, and I'm going through the edition right now, and I'm still underwhelmed.
Not to say that I get all flaccid whenever I see the shots. Far from it. For example, there is a surfeit of ass in the pictures. I love a good ass, and of course, swimwear models all have nice asses. I don't know if this is a trend reflected of or being reflected in beaches everywhere, but if it is, I should go over to my nearest beach and risk getting arrest for indecent exposure. Because showing off the ass in a swimsuit is nudity. No two ways about it. And an ass shot in a photo, even in SI? It's pornography. I don't care what you think it is. Nor should you be ashamed that it is, because it is. Nudity and porn are fucking awesome.
So yeah, the ass shots are appreciated. But I've seen a growing trend that seemed to be in half the shots in the Swimsuit Edition: The "hand bra," or covering up the tits with your hands. It's "implied nudity," they say. No, you're not nude at all because you're covering up your boobs with your hands. That's all. And that's why I'm kind of underwhelmed by those shots. When you see an ass, bam! there's an ass. But to make you think that you're seeing breasts when you're not is like the overrated bodypainting. If you can't see it, why get aroused caring?
As for the models ... let's start with the rookies. I have no problem with curvy models. Honestly, the reason I don't like Ashley Graham's shots isn't because of her body. I can't get her personality out of my head when seeing her in swimsuits. I've seen her on interviews, and she's annoying as fuck. She's too outward, to extroverted ... hell, she's too loud! And in her introduction page in the issue she calls herself as "curvy sexilicious." What the fuck does that mean? And who gave you the right to identify yourself -- and allow you to make up words like "sexilicious?"
My Rookie Of The Year (out of five, which is a good number even though it seems small; is that the reason Nina Agdal and Hannah Davis appear in two different locales?) is Bo Krsmanovic, the Serb. Her ass stands up most amongst them, and the close-up shot on pages 148-9 where she's leaning back in the middle of the water, heaving up her breasts whose nipples you can see through the cropped mesh top, is fucking faptastic. (Runner-up dap goes to Tanya Mityushina, the Siberian who I like mostly because she was a journalist for a little bit before becoming a model.)
As for the regulars ... again, fine as a group, but as a whole, the year didn't stand out. I have realized that most of the models here I've seen for several years, yet they look so young. This is Agdal's sixth year; she's 25 years old and she's a grizzled veteran. You even forget that relatively "quieter" models such as Erin Heatherton, Emily Didonato and Kate Bock are still gracing the issue, and well too. Shout-out to Bock's ass on page 182. Bam! Also a single picture standout: Davis's back-to-the-camera, come-hither look on page 144 where, you guessed it, her ass is showing as she's standing just so above the waterline of a pool. And there is a quick salute to Irina Shayk, who is appeared in the SI Swimsuit Issue for the tenth time in 2016. There is a small chip pic of each of her ten years. She looks so different in her first year, 2007, than she does the others. It must be the eyes, and the make-up. Oh, and this only means one thing: 2016 was the last time she'll ever appear in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. They did that with Anne V for 2015, and she's not in this one.
Two other things to talk about. I haven't seen this with other editions, but here there are some pages dotted with three and even four smaller pictures, and none of them are credited. A lot of these are good, even hotter than the full-page pictures, but frankly I can't tell which models these are. What's the stylistic thinking going into that? Also, they've smushed the bodypainting spread and the athlete appearances into one, and they're only using two: Ronda Rousey and Caroline Wozniacki. Rousey seems less attractive to me here, but that may be because she is now a loser in Mixed Martial Arts and may be retired. But Wozniakci ... well, I wish she weren't painted so I could actually see her body, but she's got a nice one. In fact, I'm kind of bothered by how many people took Rory McIlroy's side when he and Wozniacki broke up. I don't know what split them apart, but it certainly wouldn't be because she's not a babe. All y'all can be on Team Rory; I'll be on, and in, Team Woz, every day and twice on Sunday.
OK, the best part of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition features girls who aren't technically SI swimsuit models yet. The magazine ran this contest whereby they showed six models, one of which will be in next year's (which is technically this year's) Swimsuit Issue, and the people got to vote. Each Rookie-To-Be has her own page with three pictures. But the introductory shot to the spread is the hottest thing in the mag: It's a bird's-eye shot of just the six, each of them laying on a beach towel on sand. Some of them are laying face-up and hand-braing it; others are face-down (or close to it) and showing off their nubile asses. And I don't know what about it, but these babes, especially the ones sticking out their asses -- it got me hard the first time I saw it, and it's getting me hard now.
Add to it the final shot of the issue, on page 208, which is Agdal posing on some marsh, on her tiptoes, back to the camera, wearing a $175 Wicked Weasel and, yes, flashing The Best Ass In Modeling (and I don't think it's the first time she's ended an issue mooning us), and now I'm going to end this blog spot so I can masturbate to it. Bye!
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