OK, before I start the WMNSS I have to say that Saturday was the day I got fucking fed up with Minnesota sports. All this goddamn losing has just set me over the edge. I tweeted a lot two or three years ago about how shitty Twin Cities teams were in January and February, and calendar year 2017 hasn't been good so far. But it was Saturday, with the Gopher men's hockey team eliminating themselves, the Wild getting embarrassed at home, United playing like an NASL side and the Timberwolves acting like, well, the Timberwolves, when I had it. I've had it!!! Every single fucking team in this town fucking sucks. And it seems as though I'm the only one here who gives a shit. How fucking humiliated will we get before we start burning up sports talk radio lines, or booing our own team, or (and I know this is extreme, but the times call for it now) throwing debris onto the field of play after our team loses yet again? I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore, but everybody else just shrugs their shoulders and looks forward to buying fucking alcohol on Sundays. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this goddamn city?!?!?!
Fine. To the survey.
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#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3). They swept Ohio St. in Columbus; they played a doubleheader Saturday because they thought they wouldn't be able to get Sunday's game in. That's great, I'm happy for them, and if The Sports Media in this town finally feels the need to find some good news for Twin Cities sports fans, they'll start covering this team. But until then ... well, this is college baseball we're talking about, so I don't think they're really penetrating the local consciousness. Sorry, Nine. They finish out their 12-game roadtrip with a pair against Kansas and a weekend series vs. Michigan St.
#-2: Gopher softball (Last Week: -1). The U. softball squad's track record is better. They're now ranked eighth in the country and they are enjoying a six-game winning streak after crushing Nebraska Friday 16-0 (a game that was mercifully put down after five innings) and then plating three runs in the top of the seventh despite being down 4-2 to beat the Cornhuskers 5-4 Saturday. Since these guys are ranked in the Top 10 and have been profiled before, I think you'll see more coverage of this club. But like with the college baseball team, how much exposure will they really get? They finish up their series versus the Blackshirts this (Sunday) afternoon, then start a three-game set with Illinois in Champaign starting on Friday.
#-3: United (Last Week: -4). Michael Rand of the Star Tribune put it best; this team is playing so atrociously now that it might be hard to even take these guys seriously. I told you guys before that beatdowns like the 5-2 drubbing in New England yesterday (Saturday) afternoon can damage the franchise. Can we have relegation? I mean, like now? Can we introduce relegation now? Because these goddamn United deserve to be in the NASL ... where they probably will still wind up the ass of the league. And I don't give two shits that most of their players were either injured or called up for country duties. These guys suck, and right now I am very fucking ashamed I spent $300 on season tickets to see what is turning out to be a glorified semi-pro side.
They come home for a match Saturday night against Real Salt Lake. It'll be April 1. If they get the piss kicked out of them again (note that they have given up at least five goals in their three defeats so far) the April Fools are me and the people who bought tickets to show up for such hypothetical shit.
But hey, expansion team!
#-4: Wild (Last Week: -8). This is how unbelievably shit the Mild are playing right now. OK, Brock Boeser played for the North Dakota Fighting Hawks, which lost in Double Overtime Friday in the first round of the NCAA Tourney to Boston University. (Had them going to the Frozen Four -- thanks, Boeser and your racist fans.) He quit the Hawks and signed with the team which drafted its rights, Vancouver, Saturday morning. They had a game that afternoon -- against the Mild, in St. Paul, not too far away from Fargo.
And he scored a goal. He scored a goal against sieve Darcy Kuemper on their way to a humiliating fucking 4-2 loss by the Mild, at home. THIS GUY WAS SIGNED THE MORNING OF A GAME AFTER FUCKING PLAYING A COLLEGE GAME THE NIGHT BEFORE AND HE SCORED AN NHL GOAL. My Fucking God, the Mild will let in a hat trick by some schmuck in the fucking stands, that's how bad they are.
They still haven't clinched a playoff berth yet. The Mild, which once held the best record in the Western Conference, are now tied for the fifth-best record in the league. They are now eight goddamn points behind Chicago for the Central Division, so what was once a foregone conclusion is now a foregone conclusion the other way. I'm not entirely sure at this goddamn point they can hold off Nashville for home-ice in the first round. This fucking team, this fucking franchise is in a middle of a collapse.
So how in the fuckety-fuck are they the third-best team in the survey? They've lost to Winnipeg, Philadelphia and now Vancouver. Oh, wait ... I just checked the standings and this is -- oh my God, this is fucking unacceptable. The three teams they lost to this week are out of playoff position. THIS FUCKING TEAM HAS JUST LOST TO THREE LOSER TEAMS, WHICH MAKES THE MILD THE ULTIMATE FUCKING GODDAMN LOSERS. You know what? Just because of that, I am changing the rankings. Mild drop to -4, and United go up to -3. I have to. Losing to three teams out of the Stanley Cup Playoffs hunt is ... fuck you, Mild.
They play less two games in less than 24 hours. And this second game is on the road: Detroit, at godforsaken 11:30 in the morning. And then the schedule actually gets harder: They host league-leading Washington and playoff-bound Ottawa, then visit the red-hot Predators Saturday.
Oh, they beat San Jose this week. That's why I had them third-best. Till now.
#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7). Oh, and the beatings just keep on coming, don't they? Why, God, why do you punish me like this?
The Gopher men's hockey team, Wild and United at least had the decency to lose in the afternoon; that way, we sports fans would be able to concentrate the whole evening on drinking ourselves unconscious in order to forget that we are Minnesota sports fans. (The alcohol should be plentiful because we can buy them at liquor stores since it's a Saturday. Bonus.) But while watching the North Star Roller Girls bout last (Saturday) night (my first roller derby bout on either side of the river this season) I was scrolling through my Twitter feed and, inbetween updates of the double gut-punches of Gonzaga winning and Kansas losing (OK, NOW my bracket is completely fucked), I saw tweets about the Timberwoofs' game in Portland.
And the evening pours my pain on top of my head. The Trail Blazers' dozen-point victory over Our Supposedly Professional Basketball Team gave our Woofie Dogs a winless screening week and a six-game losing streak that for sure has eliminated them from any postseason consideration. (The worst, most hair-pulling loss was at the Lakers, where they were leading by eight with 2 1/2 minutes left, only to choke on it and loss to them in Overtime.) What is troubling about this final slide into piss-poor play, yet again, is defense. What was once dramatically improving has freefallen, and so have the Woofs.
I received an e-mail from Wolves PR that they are unveiling a new logo at halftime of the last regular season game at Target on April 11. I wonder if it's going to be a wolf pissing down its leg.
This week: At Indiana, then home games against The Team That Was Stolen From Us and The Bastard Cincinnati Royals by way of Kansas City-Omaha.
#-Infinity: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -2). Wow. What a fucking embarrassment. I know that 1-seeds lose in the first round in the NCAA Men's College Hockey Tournament all the time. It's hockey, after all. But it cannot happen to the University of Minnesota, supposedly one of the blue-chip programs in the sport. And that it happened in a year where Head Coach Don Lucia got a contract extension despite naysayers who decry his lack of winning titles makes this all the more emasculating. Finally, and worst of all, they blew a fucking goddamn two-goal lead to Notre Dame, Lucia's alma mater. How do you do that? Seriously, how the fuck do you do that shit?
This could be a lot of bitching on my part. And there could be a halo effect from all the losing in the area -- and, personally, from my bracket falling apart this weekend. It was a year ago that this program did not even reach the NCAA Tournament, which is why you heard those naysaying decriers. And even reaching a #1 seed is an accomplishment. But you have to, at the very least, play to your seed and win two games to reach Chicago. I really doubted that the Goofers could win; Denver and Minnesota-Duluth seem to be heads and shoulders above everyone this year. But getting past Round 2 was an imperative, even if Massachusetts-Lowell proves to be a mighty opponent. And you had to -- had to -- beat Notre Dame. And they couldn't even do that.
So now the exodus of players on this team will begin in earnest, mark my words. And then the program will reload again with a bunch of blue-chip Minnesota products with one eye on the NHL. I think there's a lot of fluidity in college hockey; even the best programs will sit out the tourney for a year and have long spells inbetween championships. But isn't it reasonable to ask for this U. squad to at least play up to seed? Isn't it?
Fucking Christ.
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