Me screwing up, I can deal with. I've done it before, and by God, I'll do it again. But it's the explanation that set me off. Like I don't fucking know what happens when something is left ... there. Like she hasn't told me that before. And when I read that, all I could think of was ... my parents. That pedantic condescension whereby she told me bullshit I already know but thought I needed to be reminded of ... well, I get triggered because that bullshit is what I have suffered from all my life.
And so my first thought was to fire back at her with a message that she'll see and get pissed off over first thing this morning -- something to the effect of, "What call? What the hell are you talking about?! I didn't see no call, and it's not right that you're accusing me of not doing my job!" But, well, it might be a sign of maturity that I didn't do that. I have learned that when I get triggered, don't act rash, just take a step back, and if I still feel strongly about it, then say so, just not in so many words.
So I waited, and I thought. I swear I checked and didn't see anything ... but maybe I didn't. And I am still far from perfect in this job. Also, firing an insult as a comeback probably isn't the best thing to do at my supervisor who, to be fair, has treated me well. And maybe she didn't mean to strike such a hectoring tone. And hey, maybe I had good reason not to do it ... assuming I did check and that I could have done it and I didn't.
I waited until the end of my day to fire off a letter. My initial fury had boiled down to a simmer, and I decided I would ask that we discuss what she said I didn't do the next day. Finally, however, I felt as though I didn't do anything wrong and had to put that somewhere in my e-mail. Just a little pushback as a way of defending myself. So I typed that I swore I checked, and in the morning I would really like to see if I really did overlook this and/or did not check. I don't think I sound confrontational in the e-mail, yet I had to show I was not willing to be totally conciliatory. And, as I type this, I can see me going up to her first thing in the morning, demanding her to show me where she thinks I went wrong, and explaining away why I either didn't check or why I had good reason not to do it. Or, I will see I totally screwed it up and that I totally was at fault.
Right now I am still imagining a scenario where things could blow up wherein I have decided that I wanted things to blow up. But I didn't go DEFCON 1 yesterday morning when I would have years ago. I decided to stop and think. Maybe that's growing up, and maybe I'm reacting correctly to this.
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