So, How Do I React To This?

Apparently I fucked up at work again!  It was The Third Department this time.  My supervisor left me an e-mail for me to read first thing my work week yesterday morning.  According to her, I left something that I could have done before I left work on Friday.  But, and this is the key here, she explained, in condescending terms that I take umbrage with because there is no way you can tell tone through e-mail, why it was such a bad thing to leave that out there.  "By doing that, you delay the release of the test sample for another 12 hours ..." (wanking motion).

Me screwing up, I can deal with.  I've done it before, and by God, I'll do it again.  But it's the explanation that set me off.  Like I don't fucking know what happens when something is left ... there.  Like she hasn't told me that before.  And when I read that, all I could think of was ... my parents.  That pedantic condescension whereby she told me bullshit I already know but thought I needed to be reminded of ... well, I get triggered because that bullshit is what I have suffered from all my life.

And so my first thought was to fire back at her with a message that she'll see and get pissed off over first thing this morning -- something to the effect of, "What call?  What the hell are you talking about?!  I didn't see no call, and it's not right that you're accusing me of not doing my job!"  But, well, it might be a sign of maturity that I didn't do that.  I have learned that when I get triggered, don't act rash, just take a step back, and if I still feel strongly about it, then say so, just not in so many words.

So I waited, and I thought.  I swear I checked and didn't see anything ... but maybe I didn't.  And I am still far from perfect in this job.  Also, firing an insult as a comeback probably isn't the best thing to do at my supervisor who, to be fair, has treated me well.  And maybe she didn't mean to strike such a hectoring tone.  And hey, maybe I had good reason not to do it ... assuming I did check and that I could have done it and I didn't.

I waited until the end of my day to fire off a letter.  My initial fury had boiled down to a simmer, and I decided I would ask that we discuss what she said I didn't do the next day.  Finally, however, I felt as though I didn't do anything wrong and had to put that somewhere in my e-mail.  Just a little pushback as a way of defending myself.  So I typed that I swore I checked, and in the morning I would really like to see if I really did overlook this and/or did not check.  I don't think I sound confrontational in the e-mail, yet I had to show I was not willing to be totally conciliatory.  And, as I type this, I can see me going up to her first thing in the morning, demanding her to show me where she thinks I went wrong, and explaining away why I either didn't check or why I had good reason not to do it.  Or, I will see I totally screwed it up and that I totally was at fault.

Right now I am still imagining a scenario where things could blow up wherein I have decided that I wanted things to blow up.  But I didn't go DEFCON 1 yesterday morning when I would have years ago.  I decided to stop and think.  Maybe that's growing up, and maybe I'm reacting correctly to this.