Monday, May 13, 2024

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  Another splendid Week: 5-2 overall, taking three-of-four at home versus Seattle, then taking two-of-three at Toronto.  They are still in second place in the Division, tied with plucky Kansas City and a half-Game behind resourceful and resilient Cleveland.  Also, their Bullpen right now seems to be out of gas; it was the relievers who blew Saturday's 10-8 Loss to the Blue Jays, otherwise they would've swept.  Still, they are miles from where they were three Weeks ago.

Unfortunately, they host their longtime tormentors, The New York Yankees, for three starting on Tuesday.  They then travel to Cleveland to play the Guardians for three over the weekend.  This is going to be a very pivotal screening Week for the Twins.

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  This series win over Michigan St. is weird.  The Spartans are mediocre, just like these Goofers.  And they beat the U. in Friday's opener, 6-4.  The Gophs then beat the shit out of Sparty on Saturday, 21-3.  (I have seen baseball scores this season that were so lopsided that they ended before nine Innings.  Maybe it was because of inclement weather, but I have thought that The Mercy Rule is now in place for college baseball.  Could be wrong.)  But yesterday's/Sunday's series finale, which also happened to be Head Coach John Anderson's last Game ever in front of the home crowd, might be the wildest tilt in recent program history.  The U. was trailing 12-2 heading into the bottom of the sixth Inning.  They then proceeded to score one in the Sixth, one in the Seventh, six in the eighth and, by jove, five in the Ninth Inning, where Boston Merila tied the Game at 12 on a Fielder's Choice, and then Drew Berkland sent everybody home with a stunning Home Run to Left Field with Ike Mezzenga and Sam Hunt on board for the 15-12 victory.

The bad news is that the Big Ten Tournament takes only the top eight teams, and Minnesota is still a Game behind Michigan St., Ohio St. and Maryland for that spot.  The good news is that their final series of the regular season is a three-Game set at Northwestern, the team last in the standings.  If they want to extend Anderson's tenure a little longer, they'll need to sweep, at that's the least they can do.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  Well, fuck.  They actually took Game 2 of the series vs. the Nuggets in Denver, a Game where they were so much in control that Jamal Murray threw a towel and a heat pad onto the court.  Doing that shit is dangerous, but no, the NBA is covering for THE DENVER FUCKING NUGGETS and only fined him, not suspended him.

And goddamn, that may be the turning point of the series, because those motherfuckers came into Target Center and took both Games 3 and 4.  The series is now tied, but the Woofie Dogs had a chance to win this series at home and instead choked in front of the home crowd not once but twice.  Worse yet, they haven't won since Monday, which seems like a millennium ago, not a week, and momentum might be big against the defending champs, who now play Game 5 at Denver Tuesday and can win the series here on Thursday.

No, it wasn't supposed to be easy.  But the Timberwolves made it look like it was.  And it made this tired, thirsting, desperate fanbase feel as though they could finally believe that a sports team from this godforsaken state could win it all.  That is turning into a vicious, cruel lie, and it's up to this team to put a fucking stop to it, or else fans might throw themselves off of bridges.

#-Infinity: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  This club played to seed, at least.  That means the fifth-seeded Gophers beat 12th-seeded Illinois to start the B1G Tournament on Wednesday (even though they had to go to nine Innings before they defeated the Illini, 10-7).  They then lost to fourth-seeded Nebraska 11-2, and the Cornhuskers needed to take only five Innings to end the U.'s tournament run and, because they were pretty fucking mediocre all season, the U.'s season.

Since Piper Ritter became Head Coach of this squad, they have not reached the NCAA Tournament.  This caps off a sorry, underachieving Year of women's sports at Dinkytown.  Check this out:
  • The soccer team finished with three Wins, two Draws and five Losses, and haven't reached the NCAAs since 2018;
  • With the proviso that they were playing for a Head Coach in his first Year at the helm, the volleyball team finished 12-8 in-conference and 17-13 overall, didn't get to host to start the NCAA Tournament, and got swept by Creighton in the Second Round;
  • The hockey team lost to Clarkson in Quadruple Overtime in the Quarterfinal Round of the NCAAs, making it now eight Years since they won it all, and the program is now clearly a rung below powerhouses Wisconsin and Ohio St.;
  • With the proviso that they were playing for a Head Coach in her first Year at the helm, the basketball team pissed away a promising start by losing ten of their final 11 regular season contests and, even though they got to the WNIT title Game, got blasted by Saint Louis by 19.
And now this.  For such a supposedly-progressive university, the women's programs haven't done a fucking thing lately.  That whole goddamn school is stuck in neutral.

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