Wednesday, February 29, 2012

My Favorite Website This Time Of Year

I am a huge fan of college basketball. I love the NCAA tournament, partly because it always starts the week of birthday. It feels synchronous, like I can mark a new year of my life every time they tip the ball to start the Big Dance. I am renewed every spring.

I particularly like anticipating what teams are and aren't in the tournament. So that's why, after the Super Bowl, I go to concentrating a lot more on college basketball, particularly on websites that dabble in "bracketology," the armchair hobby of predicting the entire field of 64. There are a couple people working for the big sports sites in America who have turned their decades-long prognosticating into a full-time, God bless them.

There are a lot of them. I try and follow a few, mostly the big ones, like ESPN.com (headed by Joe Lunardi) and SI.com (Andy Glockner). But one site takes the time to take all the ones available online, put the results together, and come up with one aggregate bracket. The Bracket Project's Bracket Matrix is a godsend to the diehard bracketology fan.

I am doing what I should've done once I knew about this and am following all the sites that make up the Bracket Matrix. And just for "fun," I am going to list and link to them here. They should be in alphabetical order, but forgive me if there are so many that I just don't have the energy. Also, there are some sites that have not updated for the 2011-2 season. I am leaving those out. I'm guessing they're busy and can't do bracketology anymore.

I am going to add two labels, if applicable, after each website contributor. If the site is under the Blogger umbrella (like Wailing And Failling is), I will follow it and denote that site in this post with the word "Blogger."

I am also going to add a "First" or "Last" at the end. The main part of a bracket projection is the teams on the bubble, namely those that just got in or were left out. For the latter group there is an inconsistent label. Some call refer to them (and they usually group four teams on either side of this cut line) the "Last Four Out," while other sites call them the "First Four Out." If they are the "First Four Out," wouldn't that mean these teams, the ones with the best season record and resumes out of all the teams that this bracketologist believe will not be invited to the tournament, were the first four to be determined not to get in? That's absurd. Using that terminology, the "First Four Out" should the four worst teams in Division I basketball, some time such as Binghamton, which has only one win this year.

I think I'm the only person who cares about this.

Anyway, onto the list of bracketologists:

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Expenses Without Receipt

This is not going to work if I'm doing this only once a month. How the fuck am I going to remember what I did four weeks ago?

Well, I'll give it one more shot. If I don't turn around and do this with more frequency, I'm just not going to do it:
  • Let's start with Thursday the 2nd. Needed some money, so I took it out of my PCA pay. Infusion: $60.
  • On Friday, I took Grandmother to the local grocery shop. It came out to something dollars and eight cents or something, so I covered her change: 8 cents.
  • Needed more money, so I went to the ATM. An Infusion of: $60.
  • Went exercising at the gym that evening: $3.
  • Followed that up with a trip to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). Coffee and tips only: $12.
  • Followed that up with a trip to My Favorite Coffeeshop (Late-Night Division). A mocha with tip comes out to: $5.25.
  • I finished that with a trip to a late-night pizza shop in Uptown. With tip: $15.50.
  • Saturday the 4th I started out my day going to a beer-making shop with my alumni club. Had to pay my share for the brewskis: $30.
  • In the middle of the beer making -- which really was done by the workers -- we went to a bar nearby to have a halftime beer of our own. With tip: $6.50.
  • Afterward I hung at the Mall of America. Indulged in the Cold Stone Creamery. With tip: $4.50.
  • Oh yeah -- before I left for the day I took more PCA money. An Infusion of: $60.
  • I then went to the Minnesota Rollergirls bout in St. Paul. Had a Surly. With tip: $7.50.
  • And then for some damn reason I needed more money from the ATM. Infusion of: $60.
  • I then went to My Favorite Coffeeshop (Late-Night Division). Mocha with tip: $5.25.
  • I then went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). Coffee was free; my dance with Mariah was not: $22.
  • Then finally My Favorite Late-Night Place. With tip: $13.50.
  • On Monday the 6th, I went out with my friend, who had free passes to see Journey 2: The Mysterious Island at MOA. Had to get a popcorn and pop: $10.50.
  • After that I had time to pop into My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition). Tips only, because thank God they think me such a regular that sometimes I don't have to pay for coffee anymore: $8.
  • Tuesday I planned on seeing a movie. Needed to take more PCA I had planned to deposit in my bank account. An Infusion of: $60.
  • I managed to see The Artist that afternoon. Ticket plus popcorn plus pop: $14.25.
  • Wednesday the 8th, Grandmother wanted McDonald's. She gave me money, and I gave her back the change along with the food I bought her. But the cents owed was small enough that I covered it: 35 cents.
  • And then, when I gave her back her change, I also gave her back money she gave me that I didn't need to spend. Don't know the details, but she wasn't paying me back for anything. Assuming I wrote down that $5, I am writing that I am giving back: $5.
  • Thursday the 9th was the day I was four minutes late to a lab at the U. and thus lost $18 in income. One of the reasons I was late was because I went to Target to get Grandmother's medications: $4.
  • ETA: I had forgotten I went to the RV show that evening. (Thank goodness I remembered to write that down on my Franklin Quest.) I have no money to buy an RV, I just want to dream about having a car for a home and being permanently mobile. Anyway, it's been so long that I forgot how much the ticket was, so I'll guess: $9.
  • ETA: I'm bullshitting the rest of my 9th. I think I went to My Favorite Coffeeshop (Late-Night Edition). Mocha with tip: $5.25.
  • ETA: Went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version). Tips only: $8.
  • ETA: Finally finished my night at My Favorite Late-Night Place. Tips with a guess at what I ate: $13.50.
  • Friday the 10th was the day before I was going to St. Louis. There are no Wells Fargo ATM's done there, so I took money out this day. Infusion: $300.
  • ETA: That I went to another lab at the U. This one I actually got to in time. Shit, it was in the same room that the one the day before was in, the one I was too late for. Unfortunately, I totally forgot how much I got for it, so I'm guessing that for less than an hour where I watched two funny cartoons and ate nuts and M&M's, it's an Infusion of: $6.
  • ETA: That I think -- I think -- I worked out after dinner. Cost of admission: $3.
  • ETA: I did the coffee thing afterward: $5.25.
  • ETA: And I also did the strip club thing (coffee with tip): $10.
What's next are expenses I incurred in St. Louis. I don't think I've written them down in my day planner yet, and this is getting to be really long, so I think I'll just stop at this point.

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Worst Commercials Of Super Bowl XLVI

OK, so it's three weeks late. Sue me.

Overall I say it's another tepid outing. Nothing that made me bust my gut with laughter. There weren't a huge number of bad ones, either. But the ones that were bad were bad. So let's start out with those, in reverse order for least-worst to definite worst. I'll get to the best soon, hopefully.

I have come up with four awful spots, and they all share two common themes -- and they're the themes nearly all Super Bowl commercials fall back on like crutches in order to get cheap laughs: children and animals.

4) Any of the ones with the Coca-Cola polar bears




This is more of a case of promises broken than anything. I love the bears, they're really cute. But I was looking forward to something special when Coca-Cola said before Super Bowl XLVI that the commercials shown would reflect what's happening in the game. Switching ads depending on what's going on live? Sounds really technologically new -- I'll watch it!

But we got three spots that feature the polar bears doing things that weren't as cute or precious as I remembered them in years past. They were catching Coke bottles and performing superstitions and yelling in frustration. Worst of all, I don't see how the ads followed the game. It looked like they could've come on regardless of how the game was going, close match or blow-out. Apparently there were other commercials that could have been put into the slots, but I was led to believe all of them were tailored to the tenor of the game. We just got ads of cute polar bears being cute.

3) E*Trade's fucking talking baby


If this fucking creepy talking baby ever comes up in future Super Bowls, he'll automatically get a spot in a worst list like this. Babies acting like adults is not funny at all. And his smartass schtick, old the first time I heard it, is just as dumb this time around.

2) The Doritos "Sling Baby" spot


Oh, isn't he so cute?! Underdog baby and underdog grandma stick it to snot-nosed kid by taking his Doritos away. They needed to slingshot the baby in order to get to the chips, but the main thing that helped him get that was really shitty CGI.

I feel bad for trashing it. Doritos has once again relied on the public to "crowdsource" a spot for the Super Bowl. It's an ingenious way to save money (you don't have to spend exorbitant talent fees and instead can pay peanuts to people who just want their big break). Moreover, it proves that private citizens can come up with ideas as lazy and brain-dead as those developed by gigantic ad agencies charging an arm and a leg. If you can't come up with a good spot, might as well pay as little as possible for it.

What galls me is that this piece of shit won USA Today's Ad Meter. The people who vote on this will always go for spots with children and/or animals, without fail. Wit? Big ideas? Fuck that. Gimme cute babies and doggies!!! When I want to feel loathsome about mankind, I always wait until after the Super Bowl and read the Ad Meter. The winner has been an overrated, groan-inducing spot every year, and so I always come away with it believing that people are just plain fucking stupid.

1) TaxACT.com, the company that gave us the boy who had to go pee


Totally gross. I mean it; I don't think needing to piss is funny at all. It doesn't help that it's a kid, and having one that overacts through the excruciating 30 seconds makes it even worse. I feel bad for the girl who dove into the pool right after the boy decides to relieve himself in the pool. And what the fuck has this got to do with doing your taxes? It's free to do online through TaxACT ... just like pissing in a pool? Is that what you want your potential new customers to think when they use your products? If that's the case, the forms better be yellow.

The only way I enjoy seeing pissing are golden shower porn, preferably by women. Everything else is disgusting.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -1). I am shocked, to be brutally honest with you. Shocked that this team had the ability to punch up and pull of the upset. After years of the last NCAA tournament championship are wearing away those great memories of being a true winner, this program pulled off what I think is the spectacular.

Last weekend, in Stillwater, Okla., they competed in wrestling's version of the Final Four, the National Duals, being held for the first time ever. They avenged their regular season upset loss to Iowa by nipping them in the end, 16-15. Oh, but they weren't done. In front of their home crowd, the U. toppled the #1 team in the country, Oklahoma St., 18-13 to claim the first-ever National Duals title.

It will be downplayed because the NCAA does not officially sanction this event. They should. For the wrestling novice, why isn't this tournament format, where teams play teams head-to-head until there's a winner, the way it's always done? Of course, I say that because the U. won.

Because of that, they are now the top-ranked team in the country. That deserves the highest place the WMNSS can bestow. Now, let's see if they can parlay that through the postseason. The B1G Championships are in West Lafayette, Ind., next weekend.

#0: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). No alarms and no surprises -- the Gophers roll in their WCHA First Round best-of-three series by sweeping poor St. Cloud St. 6-1 and 6-0. Amanda Kessel, who pestered UMD when I saw them play at Ridder earlier in the season in a #1 vs. #2 matchup, finished off the Huskies with a hat trick (her fourth this season) last night. Next up is the Final Faceoff, aka the conference Final Four. In Duluth on Friday, the Gophers face North Dakota, a team they've split with in their four regular season games and lost to in overtime, 2-1, on the 17th.

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4). Fucking finally. The team is two points away from winning its first WCHA regular season title in five years after sweeping Nebraska-Omaha by identical 3-2 scores (although the Friday match had to be settled in OT). Kyle Rau scored two goals in Saturday's victory. It's the first time an opponent has swept UNO in Omaha since January 2008. Really??

In more good news, they are moving up in the Pairwise rankings, the only statistic that decides which at-large teams are invited into the NCAA tournament. I wouldn't say they could survive a losing streak, but things are looking really good right now. Of course, winning both the Broadmoor and the McNaughton Cups would be perfect. They finish the regular season next weekend at home against Wisconsin.

#-2: Swarm (Last Week: -3). You know, I wish I had seen this on the news: The Swarm fired head coach Mike Lines Wednesday afternoon. Well, I guess I shouldn't be blaming so much. Knowing a head coach is something that should be basic knowledge for any fan, and I didn't even a person named Mike Lines existed on earth until I just saw the headline, "Swarm wins first game for new coach Joe Sullivan."

The press release did not state a reason why Lines was ousted after a record of 16-22 in two-plus years at the helm. For a team predicted to be the worst in the NLL because of the emphasis on youth on the roster this year, being 3-3 is pretty good. Was the last game, a 12-7 loss to Colorado where they collapsed and gave up five goals at the end of the fourth quarter the final straw? (This is a bad stat: The Smarm have been outscored in the final stanza 29-15 so far this season.) Do the owners really believe they should be able to contend even with all the turnover?

From what I've seen on message boards, circumstances greasing Lines's exit were clear. The team brought on a third assistant. Lines was told by John Arlotta, a member of the owning family, that he cannot fly out and scout prospects, and he was stripped of personnel duties. In short, he had no support upstairs. Coming off a bad loss and facing over a month of away games, the timing seemed right for a coaching change, at least to Arlotta. As you might be able to tell, many Swarm fans don't like Arlotta.

Sullivan was the Assistant General Manager of the Smarm, and he is still the AGM while he coaches from the bench. That may be a signal that this is a temporary move, and that after the season is over Sullivan will resume his front office duties while they find a new coach.

In the meantime, how are the players supposed to react to this? Do they feel the whip coming down from the suites? Because on the road Friday they absolutely hammered 15-7. How can one team double up another in lacrosse? Oh well. That puts them above .500 and in prime contention of sewing up one of the playoff spots that go to all but one team. (By the way, the league then immediately had their All-Star Game in Buffalo last night. The Western Conferenced snapped a four-game losing streak by squeaking past the East, 20-18.)

Play resumes at Calgary Saturday, the first of three games away from the Xcel Energy Center.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6). Man, there is something special going on at Target Center, and it's about goddamn time. The Woofs are one Martell Webster dunderheaded decision away from a 3-0 sweep for the screening week:


On the other hand, the other two games also went down to the wire, and it broke the right way. I was at Sunday's contest against Philadelphia. I don't remember the last time I saw most of the upper level filled with people. And it filled my heart to see Target so alive with humanity. And they saw a great game: the 76ers controlling the tempo but the Wolves never quitting, and finally, Kevin Love drives, is able to draw the foul, and sinks both free throws for a 92-91 win.

The win Wednesday over Utah was almost as good. With time winding down and the score tied, Luke Ridnour took the ball, drove down the lane and threw up a rainbow shot that went in just as the buzzer sounded for a 100-98 victory. The three games this week were decided by a total of five points. What that shows is, at least this year, the team is gaining invaluable experience on how to perform in crunch time. That will serve them well as the season winds down ... and as they are fighting for a playoff spot, which I think may very well be in their future.

(Oh, by the way, kudos to Love for winning the three-point contest even though he had to play in tiebreakers in both rounds while none of the other five competitors needed to play more than three rounds, meaning he had a lot more three-point attempts and still won. Ricky Rubio threw a nice lob to Blake Griffin during Friday's rookie/sophomore game. And Derrick Williams in the slam dunk contest? Well, thanks for playing.)

The All-Star Game is tonight; Love will be part of it. The season resumes Tuesday for the Woofie Dogs, who have a stressful four games this week -- and all of them out West, to boot: at the Clippers and Lakers back-to-back (thankfully they play in the same building, so it's like a two-game "roadstand"), then at Phoenix and Portland.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -Infinity). Well, at least they didn't embarrass themselves on national TV. Being the national game for NBC's "Hockey Day In America" public relations stunt Sunday afternoon, the Mild actually blanked defending champion Boston 2-0. Nicklas Backstrom a career-high 49(?) shots. They then went to Sunrise, Fla. and defeated the Florida Panthers in a shootout Thursday, 3-2, giving the squad their first winning streak in what seems like a decade. Sadly, they then went to Dallas the next night and promptly bent over for The Team That Was Stolen From Us, 4-1. The Bastard North Stars currently hold the longest-active winning streak over another team in their home arena. Good job repping for The State Of Hockey.

Meanwhile, the club traded away defenseman and pain in the ass Marek Zidlicky Friday to New Jersey for three guys and one, maybe two, draft picks. Two of the players are former members of the Mild: Kurtis Foster and Stephane Veilleux. But the real assets are the second round pick they get from the Bastard Colorado Rockies in the 2013 NHL Draft and Restricted Free Agent Forward Nick Palmieri. He is a young gun who was predicted to be a top-six forward in Newark, so like Zidlicky, he is a guy who did not live up to his potential. This doesn't seem like a team fleeced another, but it seems obvious that Zidlicky was being such a loud malcontent that they had to get rid of him. That General Manager Chuck Fletcher got anything of value is a good thing.

In a half-hour the club hosts San Jose and Brent Burns and Martin Havlat, players they traded away over the offseason. They also host Los Angeles before traveling to Montreal and Detroit.

#-5: Gopher baseball (Re-Entry!). Baseball's back. Actually, baseball was back last week, and I just overlooked them, sorry. Also, baseball's back at the Metrodome! Apparently to make up for the program being forced to walk the country like nomads for the first two months of last year because the roof caved in, this weekend marks the first of 27 -- let me repeat: 27 -- consecutive games at the Dome.

With this afternoon's 6-1 loss, the Goofs finished with a split of their four-game series against Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Combined with their 1-2 performance in last week's Big Ten/Big East Challenge, they start the year 3-4 on the year.

I have no idea how they're supposed to do this season.

This begins with a quirk: The U. plays New Mexico St. Thursday afternoon. They then host their annual (well, except for last year) Dairy Queen Classic, which also includes Nebraska (aren't they in the conference now?), West Virginia, and ... New Mexico St. They just snuck in an extra game against the Aggies for shits and giggles? OK. I should see that game, seeing as I visited New Mexico St. once when I was living in El Paso. Saw their football team lose to Oregon St. in 2001 when the Beavers were ranked in the top ten.

#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -5). This has been a very, very long survey to compile. (Having an old laptop that is having trouble getting Internet isn't helping.) It's taken so long that this afternoon's games are complete, so I can include them in this week's WMNSS. Unfortunately the lady ballers, this means an 0-2 week, and it was as ugly as feared. They finished the conference schedule on the road against ranked teams, and they got crushed at Ohio St. by 25 Thursday and, this afternoon, they were throttled by Penn St. by 23.

The only saving grace -- for me personally -- is that this increases the possibility that the Goofs won't even make it into the WNIT, thereby allowing me to let go of this team from the WMNSS and thus making it shorter and thus easier to do. But somehow, they snagged the 8-seed and will play the 9-seed, whoever that is, Thursday in the Big Ten Conference Tournament in Indianapolis Thursday.

#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -7). Yep, it's just about over for these guys, too. They needed that game against Michigan St. Wednesday night at Williams. And they had the Spartans in their hands for most of the game, and they couldn't seal the fucking deal. The 66-61 loss basically killed any chances they had on making the Big dance. Then, this afternoon, "basically" was killed when Indiana came in and made Tubby Smith and his crew their bitches, 69-50. They have now lost their last five games.

The fact that two good conference teams came into the Barn and won is the killer. How can they get into the NCAA Tournament now, short of running the table in the conference tourney? In fact, this el foldo is remarkably similar to last year's collapse, one which ended with a rejected invitation from one of the three lesser tournaments. Smith turned them down because he didn't want the embarrassment of playing in something less than the NCAAs. It might happen again.

They finish the regular season Tuesday at Wisconsin and Saturday at home against Nebraska. There is a great chance the new Athletic Director at Minnesota comes in and fires both basketball head coaches. This shit just won't cut it.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

It's The Small Victories

My Grandmother on Wednesday was at her clingy, needy worst. She has run out of money again, which means that is the only thing she can talk about -- and she will talk about it every chance she gets.

One of the things that, I guess, indicates she doesn't have dementia is that she no longer complains that she is broke at the dinner table. Instead, she waits until dinner's over and my parents have scurried downstairs when she comes over (several times on this night) and asks for my help in calling her real son in Hong Kong and asking if he can send her more money. Unfortunately, she continues to forget that she needs a calling card, which I gave her, which she has subsequently lost.

Even worse is that she had this notepad and this corner of an international envelope with an address in her hands (obviously that of her real son), and on neither of them was her real son's phone number. It wouldn't do much good having a phone card if she doesn't have the number, of course. I tried communicating that she doesn't have his number, that I know she does have it and she needs to find it. But all she kept saying in this and the two subsequent knocks on my door that evening was something to the effect of, "I don't know, this has to be the number," "Can you dial the number with this ... this ... 'Garden?'" (that's the name of her son's street), or "Maybe I should talk to your Father about this." Does she not understand he wants to throw her out by any means necessary, and in fact that on this evening he was almost dreaming of telling her to get into the car so he can ship her off into the nursing home? Man, I don't want her to leave, but those are the evenings I'm so scared of her that I think that's best.

---

She gave me some money to buy a card Wednesday night.

Well, the next night (after dinner) she came over to my room again. She had the landline wireless in her hand, so that meant she wanted to try calling her real son again. But when I reminded her that she still needed a card, she remembered that she gave me cash to buy a card for her.

She remembered! It's the small victories.

Moreover, she had the same small notepad in her hand. What was on it? Her real son's number? She found it! She found it!

Like I said, it's the small victories.

Anyway, we got Grandmother's real son that evening. He's sending money on a quick call that seemed to go over smoothly.

---

Oh yeah, one other thing. Father told me last night that because he couldn't ship Grandmother off to the nursing home last week because he was doing surgery, the spot that was open for her was given to another person. For the time being, at least, she's staying.

It's the small victories.

Friday, February 24, 2012

My scoring job ended today, this afternoon. It was supposed to end next Friday. Now, these reader projects are always unreliable when it comes to death dates. The five or six I did last year ended earlier than scheduled. My problem with this one is that it ended less than halfway through the allotted period; what was supposed to take place for up to nine days (we started Tuesday) took less than four. And as some whose primary income will soon be jobs like this, I would appreciate at least a little more accuracy. If I know it's only a week-long assignment, dammit, tell me.

They did have the decency to pay all of us through the end of the day. Will not be ungrateful about that -- at least.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Worst Commercial On TV Right Now

Shit's still going down with The Store and Grandmother, but I can't talk about my agita over both topics again today. So I have to turn my attention -- and animosity -- to something else: Have you seen the Just For Men "Beard Baby" commercial?


How fucking creepy is that shit? And what's the point here, that using gray-away for your beard makes you look so young it'll take decades off your life? Who the fuck wants to see a goddamn baby with a beard? Do you really think women who want virile-looking men want to coo over babies that can disco on the dance floor? I don't fucking get it.

Shit man, what's up with the fucking baby?!?!?!


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I was afraid that resuming my scoring job would fuck up my internal clock. Right now I'm really tired and I know I need to go to sleep right now, yet I feel like I can power through and stay on the Internet for a little while longer.

It's not helping that I have to deal with my goddamn parents about to throw Grandmother out of the house. She does not want to go. At all.

This evening she hatched a plan: Tomorrow night I'm supposed to butter up My Fucking Father as to how she's going to get her insulin shots at the nursing home. She doesn't know that there's a nurse on-call, so I don't think I'll even bother going through with her "plan." But I still want to help her find a way out that's to her liking. Anything to avoid this humiliation.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

It's Official: My Parents Are Throwing Grandmother Out Of The House

I got a really bad feeling when, over dinner, he told me he wanted to talk about something later, and while he said that he glanced over at Grandmother, who was entering the bathroom. His look was a "Can she hear this? Good!" look. I got so disgusted I lost my appetite and ate only one piece of chicken.

Yep, downstairs, at My Fucking Father's computer room, after I printed out directions to the eye clinic where he's to have cataract surgery in the morning, he told me that there is room for her at the nursing home they want to put her in. Either she goes in this weekend or next; which day depends on me and when I have time. You see, before we're packing her away from the place she's called home for the past, oh, four decades, we're gonna have dim sum for her. Because that's the only appropriate way to celebrate evicting an old lady from her residence.

My cowardly ass decided this was the time to raise objections. I mean, who cares if there are 24/7 nurses and doctors, that there are cooks on demand, that she can play cards with the other strangers at the home waiting to die? She doesn't fucking want that. But My Fucking Father doesn't care. No -- forgetting to turn off the faucets or burning the stove and toaster oven a couple times and your ass is outta here. I feel so powerless.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Stuff I Notice Re: Changes

Woke up around 9:30 this morning. Went out to the living room. My parents' minivan was still there.

Normally -- huh, look at me saying normally; what's normal anymore? -- they'd be out and out of there by 7:30, 8 at the latest. Now they're sleeping in longing than I am.

They've just stopped caring, haven't they?

---

That reminds me: Last week Mother wanted my help accessing her Gmail. We were in her "office." I remember there being reams of paper, accounts and invoices, and the desktop calculator was right in the middle of everything.

Now? Virtually empty. No papers and desktop calculator is off to the side.

---

Grandmother looks so depressed this morning. When I left she was at the dining room table, porcelain coffee cup in front of her, feet up on the table, staring out to the back deck. She hasn't colored her hair in a while, so the gray is climbing up the strands of her hair.

She knows she's powerless to stop getting thrown into a home.

---

I was getting Grandmother her insulin syringes from the refrigerator this morning. When I open it up, I see there is nothing there. It looked empty. And very, very sad.

It looked like my parents just cleaned out the fridge of all the things Grandmother bought. I know we don't eat anything she buys, but I know Grandmother does that because she wants to feel useful. With them constantly reminded her they're going to ship her out, I think she's not going to buy things anymore. They just removed the purpose in her life out of her, for good.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher wrestling (Two Weeks Ago: -7). One of these days I will see a U. wrestling meet. They finished the regular season crushing Nebraska 26-7. They then had this new thing called National Duals. From what I can tell, it's basically wrestling's version of March Madness: Sixteen teams qualify to play in dual meets, culminating with a winner this weekend. Well, they destroyed Kent St. and Missouri.

This sounds interesting. Unfortunately the opposition becomes immediately better. This afternoon -- in less than an hour, actually -- they have a rematch with Iowa in the semifinals of the National Duals Final Four. Remember, the Hawkeyes upset the Goofs January 29. The win this, they face (I think later tonight) either fellow B1G member Illinois or the top-seeded team in the tournament (and host institution) Oklahoma St.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Two Weeks Ago: -1). A 3-1 screening weeks period. Swept Ohio St. to complete a perfect six-game road trip, but promptly came home and were upset by North Dakota in overtime, 2-1. They rebounded to beat the no-longer-but-now-maybe-still Fighting Sioux yesterday afternoon, 5-2.

The Goofs remain the second-best team in the country by leaps and bounds. Leaps and bounds, by the way, are the things this program will need to catch Wisconsin, which remains the best team in the country. A clash for the WCHA tournament championship seems to be inevitable. But first it's the first round of the conference playoffs, a best-of-three series next week at Ridder against an opponent apparently to be determined.

#-3: Swarm (Two Weeks Ago: -3). They just finished a three-game homestand last night. They won their first two games, against Edmonton (in OT) and Rochester.

I went to last night's game against Colorado because it was part of a doubleheader with the Minnesota Rollergirls, a roller derby league in St. Paul. It's the second time they've piggybacked a Swarm game. It was fun, even if the girls weren't trying as hard because it was merely an exhibition.

The last five minutes of the Smarm game also felt like an exhibition. They weren't playing that well against the Mammoth, misconnecting on passes and transitioning late to defend their zone when Colorado pushed the ball and the action down the field. Yet they were able to tie it up at 7 (a low-scoring affair in the National Lacrosse League) in the fourth quarter.

But then they gave up the last five goals of the game to lose 12-7. And I have to go to fault one player for the collapse: Goalie Tyler Carlson. He gave up way too many goals in the game. Oftentimes he had the vision of play in front of him clear, and yet he was late in reacting to whizzing shots on goal, only seeing them when they hit the net behind him. And in the five-goal Mammoth run, one of them happened after the ball popped up into the air. Carlson had no idea where it was. It dropped behind him, right around the right post, and the Mammoth's Sean Pollock (a long-time Swarm player) took advantage and fired the ball past Carlson.

He finished with a .658 save percentage. Looking at the stats, that puts him dead last among all #1 goalies in the NLL. He's young, and he's terrible.

Fact is, the whole team is young. The organization decided to put keep mainstays such as Andrew Suitor and Callum Crawford and Ryan Benesch and dumped everybody else in favor of a youth movement consisting of players who want to live and grow the sport here. Guys, lacrosse isn't going to grow if its most well-known product is merely 3-3.

The team now has the next four games on the road. They won't be playing at the X for the next six fucking weeks. Are you fuckin' kidding me?!?!?! At Washington Friday, then the league's All-Star Game (at ... Rochester? Buffalo?) the next night. Some scheduling there.

#-4: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). Were swept at Denver last weekend, swept Bemidji at Mariucci this weekend. They are still first in the WCHA but still around the bubble of the Pairwise, which probably won't go away unless they make a run in their remaining conference games. Didn't know they were the second-highest scoring team in Division I. How's their defense? I'll look that up some time ... soon.

Hey, did you know that Ferris St. is #1 in the USCHO.com poll? Huh? I thought they're thinking about shutting down their program.

They finish the road portion of their schedule next weekend at Nebraska-Omaha.

#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Two Weeks Ago: -5). A 2-2 week. They currently stand 14-14 overall and 6-8 in-conference. You know, this may very well be a WNIT team. I'm coming around to not thinking that's a bad thing. However, they have already finished the home portion of the Big Ten schedule. They play Ohio St. in Columbus Thursday.

That's all I've got.

#-6: Timberwolves (Two Weeks Ago: -2). 3-4 since I last did this. Good thing they got the four losses out of the way, consecutively, including Linsanity and the New York Knicks coming to town and coming from behind to defeat the Woofie Dogs. But at least they did win the season series over the Rockets and The Man Who Singlehandedly Destroyed The Franchise, Kevin McHale, in Houston Friday.

May be pie-in-the-sky to entertain, but think about this: Minnesota's only a game below .500. They are in easily the best division in the NBA, the Northwest. They trail eighth-place Portland for a postseason berth by a single game. And they trail sixth-place Houston by only two games. It's not inconceivable for the Timberwolves to finish last in the division and get a playoff slot. Dare to dream, no?

I am going to tonight's game against Philadelphia because my friend is from Philly. They then play at Denver tomorrow and come home Wednesday to face The Bastard New Orleans Jazz before next weekend's All-Star festivities.

#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Two Weeks Ago: -6). 1-3. A gutty road win against Nebraska is a distant memory because they have lost to Wisconsin, Ohio St. and Northwestern. Because of the super-bloated tournament the NCAA is now, they were still holding on to a spot (even though they would've had to play in the play-in game), but that was before the loss to the Wildcats. They have to be out now. And if they still have a chance, their play will shut that door very soon.

With Joel Maturi stepping down soon, big changes could be afoot at the U. I expect the new Athletic Director will want to make a big splash, and the easiest way to do it is by firing people. Pam Borton's on the chopping block. Tubby Smith, too. And by the way, Brad Frost might want to win a tournament game as well. They host, and will lose to, Michigan St. Wednesday night.

#-Infinity: Wild (Two Weeks Ago: -4). Seven in a row. Seven fucking losses in a row, after going 0-6 since I had to talk about this shit team. I am so angry with the Mild right now I have done what I don't think I've ever done before: I am writing about teams out of order on the survey. I'm writing about them first because I want to get rid of talking about this piece of shit squad first. I'm that angry.

What was the worst loss in this losing streak? Losing to the worst team (well, at least points-wise; in reality it's the Mild), Columbus, twice? Is it returning to home ice and getting blasted by Vancouver 5-2? Could it be Tuesday, when they scored the first goal against Anaheim -- and look, I just saw a unicorn!!! -- and then proceeded to cough up the lead and then the game? Or was it last night, when they basically quit in St. Louis, 4-0.

Stop using injuries as an excuse. The list isn't so bad that you can't put out a group of players that could win more than once in seven goddamn games. And I have not heard a single peep from anyone over their current freefall. Is there anybody on the club that remembers this team being on top of the NHL??? Now they're in 12th place in the Western Conference, six points out of the final playoff spot and dropping at light speed. Where's the urgency?!

I now have to question everybody with this organization. The players' commitment, obviously, for one. When the team was riding high I thought Mike Yeo was the answer; now, not only do I think that Todd Richards (who is the interim coach of Columbus, which just beat the fucking Mild ... two times) wasn't the problem, I'm starting to think Yeo is. I have lost faith in Chuck Fletcher as a General Manager. And I'm starting to not like Craig Leipold, either. Does he know people have stopped going to games because his product sucks?

Maybe we were better off without a pro hockey team. It's not like we have much of one now.

They're playing this afternoon at the X against Boston. And it's going to be broadcast over free TV, NBC, as part of its "Hockey Day In America" p.r. stunt. Yay, now everybody in the whole wide world can see us suck shit!!! (And I thought we had a "Hockey Day In Minnesota" -- is it thus not "Hockey Day In Minnesota" today? If so, why are the Mild playing in about an hour?) We're going to be fucking embarrassed today. We go to Miami and Dallas, too.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Nightmare Where I Was The Aggressor

I have to stop talking about The Store and Grandmother or else I'll go mad.

Last night/Yesterday morning I was woken up by something at 9. I went back to sleep. I then had this nightmare, but it was of one that I had never had before. All I remember is that there was this woman -- white, average build, average brown hair, glasses -- I was preventing from going into this building. There was this series of double doors, she was inbetween them, I was inside the second set, and whenever she opened one up, I pushed her back out. She then walked over to another door, I met her, and pushed her out again. She frantically moved up and down this long series of double doors in order to get in, but I managed to laterally move with her, and stop her.

And then I woke up. Around 10. I had to go to the doctor's.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Signing My Grandmother's Death Warrant

While at the doctor's today (I had a two-for-one, a lipid panel and a meeting with a urologist for my balls) I received a call from My Father. He left me a message earlier this morning, but because of the devastating double bad news I got yesterday (see previous post), I decided to take it easy on myself and turn the fucking thing off overnight.

But he was being insistent about something, so I answered it in the lobby. The gist of it was that he wanted me to copy Grandmother's health insurance cards. Obviously it is for the nursing home my parents are going to throw her into. But My Fucking Father told me that if she asks what it's for, tell her it's the pharmacy.

Now that kind of set me off. I do not want to lie to her, especially when it comes to evicting her out of her home. Is he going to resort to subterfuge in order to get her to leave?

I kind of yelled at him after that -- not about lying, but about asking a dumb question about what is that noise he heard in the background. It was the delivery guy heading into the clinic, but he would have known that that could have happened because I told him I was at the doctor's. When I specifically told him that, he tried to interrupt me, but then he asked me what that noise was. "Are you listening?!" I angrily asked him. I hate it when I have to resort to anger to get across my general point about this entire situation over Grandmother. It's so passive-aggressive.

And I now I feel bad because I can't help but try to make it up to him by giving him a copy of Grandmother's insurance. I thought about not doing and saying I forgot, thereby making him do it essentially, but the way they're going right now, it's not going to stop the thing I want stopped: Grandmother being put into a home. Plus, I'm still kind of upset that she only used one of the insulin syringes I prepared for her while I was on vacation, even after I called to remind her. It's very petty of me, but this is the personal slight that allows me to perform the cruel act of copying her insurance cards.

So this afternoon, after having a lunch beer and taking a self-pity nap, I wake up and tell her that Father wants me to ask her for the cards. Without even asking why, she gives them to me.

She has no idea. Goddammit.

I felt bad this afternoon, going to the library and making a copy. When I return home after blogging about this I'll hand Grandmother back her cards then slip Father the copy (assuming he doesn't pick a fight with me over yelling at him this morning -- my God, we are so fucking passive-aggressive). And that's another step to shipping Grandmother out of the house, whether she wants to or not.

With this gesture, I might as well lift her up and throw her out of the house myself ... or take an ax and decapitate her. She's dead anyway.

The Double End

Father took Grandmother to the doctor this morning. I thought it was going to be me. I guess he wants to rig the visit in order to push her into a home.

He took my car, therefore I had to be up and drive him to The Store. That is where he, out of the blue (although I understand he needed to tell me the news) that there is a death date for The Store: Some time in April.

I muttered softly, "Please don't say that." Because I didn't want to hear that.

---

Later this evening, after returning from seeing Ghost Rider 2 with a friend who had free passes (review: Nicolas Cage overacting again in a boring movie that doesn't even use its 3-D well, but thanks for the passes, I'm glad to be able to spend time with you), Grandmother knocked on my door, the first of four times she did so tonight.

She told me that earlier in the evening, Father came up to her room and told her that Mother wanted her gone.

Now she's scrambling. She thinks she needs money so she can leave, so she's trying to call her real son in Hong Kong to wire her money. However, she doesn't know where she put the phone card I gave her so she can call abroad. Plus, it took her the longest time to find her son's number, another sign of her deteriorating memory.

There are a lot of things wrong with this. She doesn't understand that she doesn't need money in order to move to a nursing home. Then again, having money won't help her move, either. I don't think she understands the process beyond being thrown into a home. But then again, neither do I.

But why the fuck does she have to leave anyway? She pisses me off a lot of the time. Her memory's shot, and she repeats herself constantly, especially when she's panicking over money or a letter from her Medicare. But like I said before, she's not hurting herself or anyone else, and Father made sure she can't burn the house down because she forgot to turn off the stove or toaster oven. She's fine. Why make her leave?

Both big, bad news on The Store and Grandmother on the same fucking day. Fuck my life.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

It's also frustrating to be back in front of your laptop and be stymied by the slow connection fuckin' again. A news station recently had a story about why connections run so slow, and the conclusion is it could be anything on the transmission line, from the Internet service provider all the way to your laptop.

So I'm just putzing around, reading through one page while one I clicked, like, two minutes ago is still loading. If this fucking keeps up, why don't I just go back to Netzero and dial-up? It's the same speed and a whole lot cheaper.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Just got back home from St. Louis just now.

Saw Grandmother. She had nothing better to do than to "clean" my bedroom. Clothes are stacked neatly and the other shit was pushed aside so there's a sizable amount of floor I can see. I hate it. Not only did I not want her nor anybody fucking with my stuff, now I don't know where all my shit is.

Apparently she did that instead of taking her insulin shots. I had prepared a dozen syringes for her, I think. When I came back and looked in the fridge, I see that there were 11 left.

Very disappointed. Very angry. And very worried.

She's seeing the doctor tomorrow morning. Maybe she does need to be put away.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Gone Fishing

I will be vacationing in St. Louis the next four days. I think I'll be able to hit the library and veg out for an afternoon, but I don't know when, so there will be at least a couple days I miss blogging on WAF. Also, because all the St. Louis County-area libraries are closed on Sundays (were they before? Damn state budget cuts), there won't be a Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey this Sunday, barring the unforeseen.

My ATF from one of the clubs down in East St. Louis told me she was quitting The Life in order to concentrate on her nursing studies. She told me she was leaving at the end of February, so I made plans to see her the final Saturday of the month, which she said was her very last day. However, Southwest had a two-day sale some time ago, and I jumped at the chance to book a round-trip flight for only $80. Downside is I see her a couple weeks before her stated end.

My main reason to go there is to have her jerk my dick one last time. It will be the last time I ever see that beautiful, solid woman, and I am going to be so sad.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Fell Into My Parents' Trap Of Bad News

Went to The Store Wednesday. Saw Mother there for some reason. Did she quit? I hope she didn't quit. No one is working full-time if she quit.

I knew shit quit. I may as well face the music, but I didn't want to hear the bad news. Why hear bad news? All I wanted to do was what I was there for: Filling out the goddamn property tax appeal forms and giving her the number of Grandmother's doctor so they could have scientific evidence she should be put in a home.

And it went well, though I made them go through the forms quickly. But as Mother was faxing the appeal forms to the city, she told me, "I quit."

Shit. Bad news again. Wanted to put my fingers in my ears and go "la, la, la, la. ..."

Unless this means they're keeping The Store (and keeping The Store open), this is bad news.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Being Four Goddamn Minutes Late Costs Me Eighteen Fucking Dollars?!?!?!

Alright, this shit is pissing me off so fucking bad I want to hurt somebody. Really, I want to hurt somebody. This is me at my worst, but I can't help feeling so infuriated -- at the situation, at myself, at the gods above, at everyone around me.

I had an experiment at the U. I was scheduled to do. Because I walked in at 3:04, just four minutes late, I was locked out, essentially. This particular experiment had a waiting room across the hallway. On the sign of the room where the study actually took place there was a sign: "PLEASE DO NOT KNOCK ON THE DOOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE." Damn.

So I cooled my heels in the waiting room for the whole hour. At the very end, I told the proctor my predicament. There was nothing she could do, she said. Four minutes. Just four fucking minutes and I can't make any money today. Goddammit.

OK, I'm still upset as fuck that this stupid fucking experiment wouldn't let me in because I was a wee bit late. I mean, who isn't late? This study was held at the business building; is business always on-time? Bullshit. But what pisses me off the most is that I faced, and created, a perfect storm of circumstances that made me late. There were so many factors that went into getting me into that waiting room 240 seconds later than I had, and worst of all, if I had avoided any single one of those factors, I would've been fine:
  • The University of Minnesota has two banks separated by a very long bridge. I've been to the West Bank, where this study is, a handful of times, but not in months. And I forgot how long it took me to go from where I usually park to this business school building. Not good coming from a guy who isn't usually punctual anyway.
  • So, naturally, I got out of the house late, at about 10 to 2. I need to get there at 3, and I wanted to drop by The Store to tell my parents a few things (it's an excuse to say hi to The Store). But right at the point I get on the on-ramp to the highway, I remember that there are a couple medications for Grandmother ready for her at Target, one that was called in, one that I requested. Moreover, it was close to 2 at this point, and this pharmacy takes lunch from 1:30 to 2. By the time I get there they would have just gotten back from lunch. To me that represents a serendipitous opportunity. Besides, I thought I had time and I might as well get her meds if I'm on the way there. Sadly, I didn't think that there would be a line of people waiting for them to re-open, and it took me 15 minutes to get out of Target. I was lined up to get to the highway again, but then thought better of it, flipped a bitch, and went straight to the U.
  • Then, when I parked my car at the U., I felt guilty for not having enough time to drop by The Store. So to make up for that, I looked at the clock on my car, saw I had about 25 minutes left, and decided to call this garage door place. My Father wants to put these bumpers on the sides of the garage door to keep the rats out. We went there to get a new garage door opener installed a few years ago and a woman I went to high school with works at this place, and so she got back to me about this. Unfortunately, she patched me over to a salesman, and after I got down, it was 20 till. Uh-oh.
So maybe I should have run. Or maybe I shouldn't've assumed that this person wouldn't mind a guy being a few minutes late and let me in, just like every single other goddamn experiment I've done. But no. If I didn't go to Target, I would've made it on time. But no. If I didn't decide to make the call and waited until I got to the business building, or some other fucking day, because it wasn't that important, I would've made it on goddamn time. But no.

The only good that came of this is that I decided to stick around just in case I could be a part of the next study the next hour. In the meantime I spent time catching up on writing down the expenses I had receipts for. But when the proctor finally came out, she told me that that was the last study of the day. Fuck.

The study paid six bucks. Not much, but I drove and walked all that way for nothing, and since I'm not working, I wouldn't have minded $6. But that's not all. This was a two-part study, where I come back next Thursday to get paid $12. I assume that because I failed to participate in Part I, I am ineligible to do Part II. So I'm out $18. It's not much, but it's not nothing, and I'm not going to get it because I was four goddamn minutes late. This mistake is going to punish me for a whole fucking week!

I am still so hot over this. I now have to compensate for this by not spending $18 somewhere else, either on my vacation or before I leave or when I come back. It seems so fucking simple to just show up, but because I didn't I have to make all these alternate plans.

Fuck my life. Goddamn. ...

Grandmother Refused To Go To The Arbitration Hearing The Way I Refused To Go To Kindergarden

Remember when I said I was taking Grandmother to the law firm Monday? Well, I might as well let the cat out of the bag because she changed her senile mind.

I had told her the day before about this deposition, and the preparing for it, because she probably wouldn't remember if I told her before then. She seemed OK, but then wanted to back out. But I insisted that she do this because when she told me about the car accident she was in, she told me wanted to go through with it. Of course, that was several months ago, so she probably forgot, but dammit, what else could I do? I'm making her lie in the bed she made.

So I wake up about two hours early and remind her, once again, that we're going -- get your hair did and all. And she seemed as serene as an 84-year-old woman who may or may not know what's going on could be. So I showered and shaved for the big occasion.

But then, as I was in the bathroom, I hear her hacking up and spitting. She has had what sounds like a cold for about a week or so, so maybe there's that. But it continued, and then Grandmother did it with more frequency, and then she did louder. Finally, she started to dry-heave.

She tried faking being sick in order to get out of going to the law firm. I was afraid of this, although I didn't think she would have the balls to do it. I remember when I was 5 I was so scared of going to school that I threw this epic temper tantrums. I would literally back myself into a corner to ensure that I would not go. I remember looking at a report card one and seeing I missed nine days of school for that quarter. So dealing with this made me understand how my parents felt when I absolutely refused to go to school. Karma.

And so I felt like I had already lost her and this battle. There's no way I can make an old lady go to the law firm. Well, I guess I can lift her over my shoulder and carry her out fireman-style. But I don't want to expend the energy. Besides, would she cooperate once we got there?

I also reassessed my headstrong approach to this. I still have no idea what exactly happened in this accident, and I know even less about what Grandmother did after that. I still have no fucking clue how this law firm got ahold of her and her information. Did they literally chase the ambulance to the hospital and hectored her into suing? I don't know if I could have just blown this off, but maybe, just maybe, I should not have just rushed headlong into doing this because I wanted to hold Grandmother to her promises. What if I make things worse? And this could be a browbeating law firm that pressured Grandmother and took advantage of her frailty. I could just say that I'm stepping in and stopping this because she doesn't know what she's doing and therefore I am doing what's best for her.

In the meantime My Fucking Grandmother was pulling out all the goddamn stops. She was dry-heaving and spitting like her goddamn life depending on it. She was shouting through the walls, "I'm sick! I can't go! Cancel!! Cancel!!!" so I could hear it. When I finished showering I saw the kitchen sink turned all the way up. I thought she forgot to turn it off again, but when I called for her from the kitchen to turn it off, she bellowed from the bathroom, "I can't! I'm too sick!! You do it!! And cancel!!!" It was absolutely mind-blowing to see this elderly woman intentionally act like a brat on purpose. What 84-year-old thinks this is an acceptable way of refusing to go somewhere?

After I reminded her we were going to the deposition she started calling her friends, probably in a state of panic. Sadly, I imagine one of them going, "If you don't want to go, you have to make it sound like you really can't go. Quick, act like you're sick! Cough and wheeze and act you're about to throw up!! Then he can't make you go to work!!!"

One of the people Grandmother called is someone I refer to as her son. He's actually a family friend from way back. He doesn't have a job, so he often takes Grandmother to places she wants to go so she can buy things and, thus, feel important. She said he was coming; she even opened the front door for him to come in, despite being "sick" and all. But I was the one who needed him now. Not only could he translate what I fucking wanted to say to my immature Grandmother, I was certain he could tell me what was going on with this deposition and how she fucking got into an accident in the first place.

He told me. I still don't quite understand. But it was getting to the point where we were supposed to be at the law firm. It was too late, and Grandmother wasn't going anywhere except lying on her death bed. I knew for some time, but we called off the deposition. Well, he did.

I don't get what happened next. I was really scared that if I called to cancel the "depo," the law firm would somehow charge Grandmother and/or me for canceling. If we weren't going to go, I just thought we would just blow them off. For all I know this was a victim assembly line, and the firm just had its paralegals run through a series of boilerplate questions and make them sign forms and then just tell them to shoo. If that was the case, ignoring them felt like the best course of action.

But Grandmother's "boy" knew the deal. He knew about the accident from the start because he's very close to Grandmother's friend, who was driving the car Grandmother was in. I got him to call the firm because I was scared. He told them Grandmother was sick. And, according to him, they said, "OK, we don't need her, we can take it from here." Really? All the letters and veiled threats to charge us fees for canceling, and you didn't even fucking need her?

Fuck this, I don't care anymore. Maybe Grandmother should be put in a home.

---

One other thing: I was certain from the first time she was really selling her pseudo-vomiting that she was faking it. But there's one important difference this day from most other days: Because I wanted to make sure Grandmother was sharp as she could be in recounting the accident, I made her take Aricept, the anti-Alzheimer's pill. It's a huge risk because I have heard that many elderly people have suffered side effects with little benefit. But I thought this was a good occasion to make her take a pill.

Just in case she wasn't faking the nausea, I logged on and Googled Aricept's side effects. One of the most common ones: nausea.

So maybe she wasn't faking it. But then, the next day, she was fine.

Fuck her, that goddamn liar.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Maria Menounos Loses. Straight Males Win!

You've probably seen this already, but I still have to salute (with my cock) the body of Maria Menounos, correspondent for celebrity program Extra TV and, in my very humble opinion, the most underrated known hot chick on Earth.

She is a New Englander, and a Boston fan through and through. So she made a bet with fellow Extra TV reporter A.J. Calloway that her New England Patriots will beat the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLVI on Sunday.

If the Pats beat the G-Men, Calloway had to appear on-camera wearing a Patriots cheerleader uniform. But thank Buddha they didn't. And so, to make good on the bet, Menounos, did this:


One thing: I've seen a lot of photos of her baring her lean belly and her belly piercing. To those who knew of her beforehand but not her particularly, uh, slutty accoutrement, does knowing she reports wearing that lessen her credibility in your eyes?

For me, I don't care about her reporting. Don't they I have for a long time. I just want to fuck her. So bad.

Till then, fap-fap-fap! I promise to jerk off to Menounos as soon as the shit regarding The Store and my parents wanting to put Grandmother into a home blows over a bit.
And then that son-of-a-bitch, My Fucking Father, wakes me up at 10:30. He was being a nagging bitch for the second morning in a row (he woke me up yesterday morning at 10:30), so I sent his ass to voicemail.

And then he calls me 15 minutes later. This time he called me on his cell; does he think that changing the phone he calls from will make me pick up? I still wanted to sleep, so I sent him to voicemail again, but then I spent the rest of my time on my bed thinking up an excuse as to why I didn't pick up the first two times when he calls a third time.

And he did after I decided to get Grandmother something to eat. I decided that I would take a forward verbal approach, namely be a little forceful when I give him the excuse that I am working (italics his):

"Can I help you? I'm working."

"Have you done the forms yet?" (He threw both a property tax assessment appeal and a nursing home application form at me last night; couldn't fill out the former and I don't give a shit about the latter.)

"No. I'm working now. I'll swing by the doctor's and drop off the form (I'm not) before doing the form."

"Oh, you're working? Oh, OK then, tonight you just give me all the forms."

"You want all the forms?"

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I told you to work on this last night and you didn't do them." (The son-of-a-bitch came upstairs overnight while I was eating a late-night snack in the dining room, the prick.) "You went somewhere last night, where did you go?"

Uh, fuck him. Why am I helping him out by going to The Store right now anyway?

Ah well. Maybe I can point out that the assessment appeal had to be postmarked by yesterday. Good luck with that, Old Man.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Had a nightmare that Mother once again told me "not anymore." It either referred to having money or keeping Grandmother at home.

Either way, it was bad. And it was an omen. I was woken up this morning by Father, who wanted me to make an appointment with Grandmother's doctor. He wants him to sign this form he "forgot" to sign. Signing this hastens Grandmother's exit out of here and into a nursing home.

She was a whiny old lady yesterday -- more on this later -- but I still don't want her to leave.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Going to take Grandmother to a bunch of lawyers.

I have no idea what to expect. I doubt she has any idea what to expect. I doubt she has any idea, period.

I don't know if she cares anymore. I don't know if she even remembers; I think she told me last night she was making plans to go to the casino. I don't know if those plans are still on.

All I know is that when this cropped up months ago, she wanted to go through with it. And then she said the same thing several days ago ... but then she said she didn't want to go through with it.

Fuck. This is going to be a disaster.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). The sport of women's college hockey remains too unbalanced. There are 34 teams in top-flight, yet there are, oh, six to eight that are really good programs and the rest are, at least right now, shit.

I guess I should be happy that the Gophers swept St. Cloud St. this weekend. But many times, more than anything, I want to see a competitive game, especially when I step back, divest myself of any personal and visceral allegiances to a team, and look at the sport, and sport, as a whole. When the U. immolates the Huskies by a combined score of 15-1, I don't think, "Yeah, they beat the shit out of the Cloud!" nor do I think, "Great, they can beat the hell out of bad programs but can't beat good ones like UMD or Boston College." I'm thinking, "Shit, if the schools are going to be so lopsided in talent, why even play? Why not shed the programs in half? Why not degrade the sport down to club level, at least until there's ample evidence there are enough good players going through U.S. colleges to justify 34 Division I teams?" I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but that's how I truly feel about this team right now.

I don't think the icers will have much of a problem dispatching their next opponent, Ohio St., next weekend, even if it is in Columbus, Ohio.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6). A very eventful week for the Woofie Dogs, who went 3-2 for the week. They had a chance at a statement win against The Team That Was Stolen From Us, The Bastard Minneapolis Lakers Sunday but buckled at the altar of Kobe. They had another chance against Indiana while disguised as the American Basketball Association team that was here, the Minnesota Muskies (the uniforms are kind of blah, but it's nice to see Minnesota professional basketball recognized), in a game I had planned to go to because it's the only time in six games the Timberwolves play as the Muskies against an actual ABA opponent. But I forgot ... and lucky me, because they lost.

But the big story this week is the coming-out party of Kevin Love -- as a presence, a vocal leader on the club, and maybe as a bad boy in the NBA. During the loss to the Pacers, Love got into an argument with Indiana leader Danny Granger. Earlier in the week, in a win at Houston, Luis Scola tried to save possession for his Rockets by throwing the ball at Love while Scola was jumping out of bounds; it hit Love somewhere in the lower torso, maybe the groin (I didn't see the replay). As payback last (Saturday) night at Target Center, Love stepped on Scola's chest as the Timberwolves were running the other way. It wasn't called on the court, but Love will definitely be called on the carpet once the NBA's front office reviews it.

I didn't know Love had the capacity to be a hothead. I'll wait and see when it stops being beneficial and starts being a liability. (Oh, BTW, the Wolves beat the Rockets last [Saturday] night, and New Jersey on the road too.)

A pair of backer-to-backers this screening week: home to Sacramento then at Memphis, then a pair at home against Dallas and New York.

#-3: Swarm (Last Week: -1). Had a 9-6 lead at halftime at Rochester but lost the game 16-14, their only game this week. That's all I've got. They start a three-game homestand Friday against Edmonton.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -3). Although the Mild won a game (as part of their 1-2 week), I'm grading them below for three reasons:
  1. Do you remember who won the NHL All-Star Game last weekend? One Marian Gaborik, the supposed cornerstone of the franchise when it was born in 2000. He had two goals and two assists, I think, thus giving some publicity to his new team, the one he signed with (rather than traded to), the New York Rangers. Their gain is our loss.
  2. That fucking awful loss to Nashville at home Tuesday to start the second half of the season. I was driving to a coffeehouse that evening and listening to the game on the radio. This fucking squad had a 4-2 lead with 3 1/2 minutes left. The fucking Mild the coughed up two goals in only 21 seconds to choke away the lead, then gave up the game-winning goal with 21 seconds left to lose. They couldn't even get a point by surviving into overtime. No, this was a complete pissaway.
  3. I was assuming that loss to the Predators would be the final nail in the coffin, the game that, even if there are wins afterward and even if they've been playing awful before then, would trigger a noticeable and eye-wincing downward spiral to destroy yet another promising season. They did win at Colorado (somehow, on a fluke goal by Greg Zanon), but then they had to go to Dallas and be hospitable to The Team That Was Stolen From Us, The Bastard North Stars, in a shootout last (Saturday) night. Personally, I believe the Wild have an obligation to beat the shit out of The Team That Was Stolen From Us every game, and that they lost is just as embarrassing as the one to Nashville.
And yet they still hold onto 8th place in the Western Conference playoffs, two points ahead of The Bastard North Stars.

Did you know that this will is the second of three straight weeks where the club plays Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday? At the worst team in the NHL, Columbus, before starting a four-game homestand against Vancouver and those same Blue Jackets.

#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -7). The last three teams in the WMNSS lost one game. This team lost at Illinois. So why did I put them first among these winless? Oh, a combination of expectations (meaning I'm more disappointed in the teams that have a better chance of winning the NCAA tournament) and ... well, I just put them in reverse order of where they were last week.

All three teams lost in dispiriting fashion. Here, they were tied late before the Illini ended the game scoring the last five. They now sit at .500 (12-12) overall.

They host Penn St. in an hour, then visit Iowa Thursday. About today's game: It kind of sucks for the Nittany Lions. Everybody's watching the Super Bowl; it's an American obligation, kind of like the draft. Where will Penn St. be after the game? Flying home? In their hotel rooms? Watching at Williams Arena? I noticed that the last college basketball games today start at 2 Central, meaning they should be done by 4 Central. A lot of visitors playing earlier today (the Gopher men, for one) might -- might -- be able to get home in time for kickoff 5:25 Central. But the Miami men's team will be 90 minutes away from the start of Super Bowl XLVI after they finish their game at Duke. It's kind of sad to be away from home for the game. It's kind of like working on Christmas Eve, you know?

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). The Goofs led at Iowa by as much as ten in the second half and held a five-point lead with 3 1/2 minutes left. They then went scoreless the rest of the game and allowed the Hawkeyes to rip off the final nine points in a 63-59 defeat. They have been swept by Iowa, who sport the same 4-6 B1G record as the U. Killer loss.

As I said, they're playing at Nebraska right this minute. If the Goofs win somehow, it'll be only the second time they win at a Top 100 opponent. They also host Wisconsin Thursday.

#-7: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -4). When in the hell does the University of Minnesota wrestling team get upset? But they did. Now, it's not as if Iowa is some podunk school; it's a legendary program and were ranked fifth. But the U. was ranked third, and any J Robinson-led team takes care of business.

But the Hawkeyes won the first three matches to race out to a 9-0 lead. Dylan Ness major-decisioned Michael Kelly to make it 9-4, but then Nick Moore returned the favor on Alec Ortiz, and then Mike Evans pinned Cody Yohn to make it 19-4. The Hawkeyes lost the last four matches of the dual, but they didn't need any more points; they were able to hold the Goofs down to decisions and thus won 19-17.

Right now they're finishing up the last game of the conference season against Nebraska at the Sports Pavilion. The grapplers then go to Piscataway, N.J. for NWCA National Duals Saturday.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

My Prediction For Super Bowl XLVI

New York Giants 37, New England Patriots 33.

The Best Commercial On TV Right Now (At Least Until The Super Bowl)

The State Farm commercial featuring Journey, a band whose music I hear so often around me it annoys the hell out of me, but is used to hilarious effect here:



Four things that make this really funny:

1) The customer. His face and the way about him ... he comes off like a real person, not an actor. Hell, he might be a real State Farm customer. Regardless, he's perfect.

2) The droll way he and the insurance agent say the lines to "Any Way You Want It." They're not giddy and attracting attention to themselves, like, "Tee-hee, we're saying a Journey song!" It's the way two dudes who stumbled into a song during conversation should go through the bit: While not making a big deal out of it.

3) I love the way the customer says: "We just had ourselves a little Journey moment there."

4) The punchline was good too. The only thing that would have made it perfect was if they could've pushed the envelope there. I wanted the customer to say: "Saw 'em in '83 in Fresno. Place was crawlin' with chicks. Man, I would give my left n ... (sees his wife looking at him) I gotta go."

Friday, February 3, 2012

Expenses Without Receipt

It's been a week??? Damn, this is hard:
  • So ... Thursday ... uh, I got a surprise slot at "work." Hearing lab ... therefore infusion: $20.
  • I could ghastly be wrong on this, but later that evening I went out to a coffee shop (not My Favorite Coffeeshop, either division). I say this because I know I went there to ask the barista if this place gave discounts for bringing in your own mug. (The answer was no, by the way.) And even though there was a whole hour of 30 Rock and an episode of Up All Night, all the late-night shows (except Kimmel, who, bless his heart, still does new shows when most of the others take vacations) were in re-runs, so I'm pretty sure I took the occasion to go out. Anyway, a small coffee with tip was: $1.75.
  • Friday? Uh, it was a snowy day, and one where I thought I could go to the lab but my slot was canceled. I wanted to check out this nursing home my parents want to throw Grandmother into, but first I wanted to go to Maverick's, a place that serves the best roast beef in town. And I get a beef brisket instead. Not bad, though a tad dry. With tip: $10.25.
  • Went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). No dances, but I stayed there for a while, so I think I spent: $10.
  • Afterward I went to My Favorite Coffeehouse (Late Night Division) for a mocha. With tip: $5.25.
  • Saturday I virtually did the same thing. First I went to the stripclub and paid another: $10.
  • Then coffee. Same thing: $5.25.
  • Then, just to switch it up, I went to My Favorite Late-Night Italian Place. I just got a soup and salad, but unfortunately, I didn't have enough coins to round up to the usual tip I give them for what I got. Guesstimate, with tip: $8.04.
  • On Monday I went to Dairy Queen. Chicken strip special on Mondays, straight up: $5.
  • On Tuesday I went to the same unfamiliar coffeeshop that I went to the week before. I want to try to go there because a) it's closer, even if by half a mile, b) it's cheaper. Again, coffee with tip: $1.75.
I haven't changed my day planner to February yet, so I'll end it on expenses on the 31st.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Why Do I Even Go To The Store Anymore?

My Fucking Father follows up his "professional" conduct over dinner last night by being an outright male bitch at The Store today. All I heard was him yelling, presumably over Mother.

Oh yeah, I found another tick about him that pisses me off: He has this thing where he just starts screaming at you, and after he's done, he gives you, like, a second before he screams, "OK, OK!" He says his piece while denying you the chance to say anything back to him, and he acts like he's getting over his feelings of outrage even though he got all the verbal insults he wanted to say before he essentially shut off debate. Passive-aggressiveness 101.

Anyway, as I was leaving for my testicular ultrasound, I told My Fucking Father it's my brother's birthday. What did he blurt out? His birthday. The fuck???

And after he actually fucking listened to what I said, he said something just as asinine: "Who cares?" Who cares? The birthday of your son?? And then he goes on this unintelligible rant about his wife (my sister-in-law) being 12. What?

Oh! He explained again: My sister-in-law's birthday (and he was squawking like a jackass when he was saying this for some goddamn reason) is later this month, and so they're going to celebrate both birthdays some time after today but before her birthday. Too bad I'm going on vacation next week. And so there was some consternation.

Before I left, I had to help him get a public television subchannel on the TV at The Store. I helped him before with this, but it's not there again. And for some goddamn reason I stayed the next 15 minutes failing to get this channel, making myself late for the appointment. And after I quit he said, "OK!" -- not in the "ha-ha, I yelled at you and I just stopped you from yelling at me" way I described above but in his whiny voice that I've documented countless times before.

He's going to Mayo tomorrow. I hope the doctors determine they need to run tests for, oh, the entire weekend.

Grandmother went to the casino today. Good for her to go out. Of course, it is the 1st of the month, so she very well could have already spent all her welfare money.

That left the three of us, my parents and I, eating at home. I wish things could just be sanguine, but My Fucking Father decided against that. First, he asked me if the TV at The Store could play DVD's. Why?

"Because I want to give it to Grandmother when she goes to the nursing home," the asshole replied.

No, it's not that soon, is it? I hear that they're moving on with throwing her out, then I hear nothing, and not I guess it's back on again. And Grandmother still doesn't know we're talking about her and this.

And then the motherfucker starts in on me about going back to school. And he does this by regaling a story about Mother's new co-workers, how they're all young single women from Malaysia who have little to do while they bide their time until the company gets them green cards, and so they start studying. They all have master's degrees now -- so why don't you, son?!

He's right. He's also right when he says I'm smart by I don't want to. I can't say anything else besides the fact that the story My Fucking Father told me about the Malaysian single women with the master's degrees he already told me.

Hmmm, he's forgotten already ... maybe he should be the one we throw into a nursing home.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I Know My Weight For The First Time Since High School

I had body image issues during adolescence. Shit, I still have body image issues now, but they're the humdrum problems with getting fat. Come to think of it, it was the same back then, just balled up with other issues like growing hair in places like my armpits and genitals and trying for hours to see if I could suck my own dick. That so needs its own separate blog post.

But getting fat was a bigger, weirder issue when I was in high school. I had been skinny as a kid, and I wanted to maintain that as my body underwent the changes into adulthood. Not just as best as I can; I wanted to stay at the same weight I was before going through puberty. If it meant getting taller and having a deeper voice, I would just eat less. My eyeball test to see if I was watching my weight was going to the bathroom, taking off my shirt, and inhaling as far as possible. Ever since I could remember I was able to see my ribcage if I breathed in. If I could do that after all these body changes, I wouldn't feel like my world was crashing around me.

I don't know how long I obsessed over my weight, but at some point I realized that what I was doing was madness. I still hated puberty because it would take me from the physical self I had always known. But I grew up learning about anorexia and bulimia, and I didn't want to be seized by these psychosomatic demons. Losing control of my weight was one thing; losing control of my mind by refusing to accept reality, however, was my greater fear. So at some point in high school, somewhere around the time I got a tad more serious about my studies, I just decided to stop obsessing over my weight. The last time I weighed myself, I was around 125 pounds.

The one big thing I stopped wasn't looking at my ribcage in the bathroom mirror; that I still did, if with decreasing frequency as I got older. But another thing I did was check my weight on the scale in the bathroom constantly. I knew that those scary, weird anorexics and bulimics checked their weight all the time. I didn't want to be one of those people, so at some point, maybe when I turned 18, I stopped checking my weight. Finding out my number, I figured, would only send me into a tizzy if it was too high to my liking.

Fast-forward to, oh, March 17, 2011. It would be around my 14th month of working out. I use the elliptical mostly, and it has this feature where you punch in your weight so it could tailor its computerized regimen to best fit your needs. I liked where I was right now because what my age is and what I thought my weight was (150 pounds) are the defaults, so all I need to do is hit "Options" and then press "OK" four times fast as it gives me the age and then the weight.

But I knew it was a lie. There's no way I could just be 150 lbs. because being to hit that "OK" button like I'm a trigger-happy general trying to launch a nuclear weapon in Dr. Strangelove was too convenient. And then I thought that my self-imposed ban from knowing my weight is going a bit too far at this point. I'm 35 and need to start changing my habits so I could live a long life and ensure life to my years. I can't do that without knowing my precise weight. So, after many years of rolling it around in my head, I decide that this is time to finally know how fat I am.

I thought it'd be in early December, when I had to weigh in for this experiment. But when I finally faced the music, the music was in metric. But I was fairly certain that I would know when I came in for my physical Monday afternoon.

I thought up a guess. What the hell, I'll go by what I punch in the elliptical: 150 pounds. I'd take 175; that doesn't sound too big for a guy my size.

When the nurse told me to step onto the scale, I, like in the previous weigh-in for the experiment, closed my eyes and took a breath. But quicker this time -- this time I knew I needed to know. And the scale didn't deke me out by giving me kilograms. Oh, it gave me good ol' American pounds -- 164.5 of them.

Wow. Just ... wow. I'm 165 fucking pounds. Honestly, I don't think I'm obese. I am fat, fat like My Fucking Father. But I'm not too bent out of shape ... even though I am out of shape. Now I can't just blow through the Options the next time I'm on the elliptical. But at least I can be more accurate about things.

Geez ... 165 lbs. Forty pounds in 17 years. Just to let you know, up until 8th grade or so I was under 100. And by the way, I weighed in at 74.5 kg at that experiment, which translates to just over 164. I've been gaining weight, and I feel like I've been eating a lot, especially in the last week. I need to exercise more.

And one more thing: I don't check to see if I can see my ribs in the bathroom mirror anymore. Haven't done that in a long time. I think the last time I did, I couldn't, and I just got all sad.