I Don't Know What Came Over Me

OK, you know that girl from work, really the only competent temp at that place (besides me, although her boyfriend, who works beside her, ain't too bad either)?  I grabbed her wrist.  I didn't think it was a big deal at the time, but the more I think about it, the more ashamed I am of my behavior.

It was last week.  She was asking information from me, and while I was explaining it to her, she was about to write something down that I didn't want her to write.  So I grabbed her wrist.

I didn't think too much of it.  But in the brief milliseconds I did, I did think, "Wait, what the hell did I just do?"  But then I got back to giving her the information that I wanted to impart to her.

At the end of the day, when all the other temps left, she quietly came up to me.  "Hey, I didn't want to say this in front of everybody else," she said, "But when you grabbed my wrist, I didn't like that.  Please don't do that again."

And I will be honest, my first thought was, How DARE you give me orders!!!  I've done this longer than you, and I won't be pushed around by some upstart who thinks she fucking knows better!!!  But once I calmed down I was able to be brutally frank with myself.  And I realized that when I grabbed her wrist, I reverted back to my violent nature, one that I cultivated, or at least one that's been around, since I can remember.  I have never been the best at communicating verbally, but actions, whether it's grabbing people or, in some cases when I was a juvenile, throwing things at people, was a lot more effective.  For example, when I grabbed her I was telling her to stop, and when I was throwing something (like a book) in someone's general vicinity I was saying not to do it.  I just didn't have the ... patience ... no, more like the brainpower to use words instead.

I had acted like this a long time ago in my temp career, but I thought I was able to put those temper tantrums behind me.  If anything irks me or stresses me out, I've learned to shut my mouth and just work, or sometimes just walk away from the situation to give myself some breathing space.  That I'm still capable of lashing out like that disappoints me.  Not only because I've failed to control this dark part of me, but that this dark part of me still exists.  It doesn't have a place in a grown-up world or a professional environment.  But it's a part of me, it looks like, sadly.

Things between this girl and I are good now.  But you never know.  I thought, or hoped, that I knew, but that episode proved that I did not know.  At all.