Sunday, January 31, 2010
Worst Hotels In America
Just because I want to finish the month with more than just one more blog post per day this month, I present TripAdvisor's Dirtiest Hotels In America. I think I thought of staying at the hotel that was #1. Now I'm really glad I didn't book that for me and my mom.
She Took Her Love Away From Me
You know the ex-stripper/waitress that used to give me handjobs but told me to fuck off the last time I asked her to flash me her tits? Well, I was brave enough to go back to the bar. After consulting a website, I decided not to stay away and instead go in. I was going to act as if nothing was going on, but I was going to make a subtle point in ignoring her.
Well, it worked. I was still going through My Fucking Father troubles, and I wasn't really in the moment anyway. But then, she didn't seem to mind that I blew by her and got my coffee from the bar. She was drunk off her fat ass. OK, maybe this is the way it's gonna be. ...
I came in two days later, around the time of the NFC Championship Game. She's a huge Vikings fan, so her eyes were glued to the TV -- and she was drunk. Things were still tense at home, but I too was concentrating onseeing how the Vikes were going to fuck this up whether the Vikes could beat the Saints. Even though I was working, and even though I was at a table and therefore should have been waited on by her, she barely acknowledged me once, on a play in the game. That's it.
The third time was a couple nights ago. I popped in partly because I knew she wasn't working. However, she came by just to hang out. And she had a male friend with him. Probably didn't even know I was even there.
You know, for all the bullshit My Fucking Father gives me, what she's doing to me hurts just as bad. He might be pissed at me. But sometimes I feel that the only thing worse than "I hate you" is "I don't care about you anymore." She seems to be going along just fine without even recognizing I exist.
I thought she was cool, man, I thought she was awesome. Her tip dances were legendary. She allowed me to places few others would let me go to. I showed her my manhood, for God's sake, my manhood. And she accepted my manhood -- roughly, repeatedly, only after so much cajoling, but she accepted it, and (for now at least; she might rat on me now that she hates me) she kept it just between us -- well, us and anybody who comes across this post. I don't know how she felt about it, but to me it was special, and something I wanted to continue for a long, long time. But now she took her love away from me. And it hurts, really bad.
Well, it worked. I was still going through My Fucking Father troubles, and I wasn't really in the moment anyway. But then, she didn't seem to mind that I blew by her and got my coffee from the bar. She was drunk off her fat ass. OK, maybe this is the way it's gonna be. ...
I came in two days later, around the time of the NFC Championship Game. She's a huge Vikings fan, so her eyes were glued to the TV -- and she was drunk. Things were still tense at home, but I too was concentrating on
The third time was a couple nights ago. I popped in partly because I knew she wasn't working. However, she came by just to hang out. And she had a male friend with him. Probably didn't even know I was even there.
You know, for all the bullshit My Fucking Father gives me, what she's doing to me hurts just as bad. He might be pissed at me. But sometimes I feel that the only thing worse than "I hate you" is "I don't care about you anymore." She seems to be going along just fine without even recognizing I exist.
I thought she was cool, man, I thought she was awesome. Her tip dances were legendary. She allowed me to places few others would let me go to. I showed her my manhood, for God's sake, my manhood. And she accepted my manhood -- roughly, repeatedly, only after so much cajoling, but she accepted it, and (for now at least; she might rat on me now that she hates me) she kept it just between us -- well, us and anybody who comes across this post. I don't know how she felt about it, but to me it was special, and something I wanted to continue for a long, long time. But now she took her love away from me. And it hurts, really bad.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
All I Did Was Pop A Date
And now I feel like I ate a dogie. I felt a pain in my stomach during the Wolves game last night. And after I ate a hot dog I felt my left side cramp. Aren't you supposed to eat, then exercise, then cramp, not exercise, then eat, then cramp? I feel I should be shitting my organs out.
All because Grandmother brought home yet another plastic bowl of pitted dates. No one asked for them, but this is the second time she's brought these fruits home. There are still plenty of hardened ones from the first bowl; should throw those away. But I regret not trying those, so yesterday I opened up the bowl and tried one.
They're high in fiber, you know. And even though it wasn't like I was starving before, I felt instantly full after I ate the date. In fact, it felt like the date was ballooning inside me, and those noises coming from my gut were my organs being shoved from their natural place by the date in my stomach. I left for the game feeling this way, and it instantly killed my appetite.
And this morning I'm still not hungry. I shit a little -- hey, I thought it said it was hign in fiber! And now I feel fat. I should exercise somewhere tonight. Maybe then I'll be hungry.
All because Grandmother brought home yet another plastic bowl of pitted dates. No one asked for them, but this is the second time she's brought these fruits home. There are still plenty of hardened ones from the first bowl; should throw those away. But I regret not trying those, so yesterday I opened up the bowl and tried one.
They're high in fiber, you know. And even though it wasn't like I was starving before, I felt instantly full after I ate the date. In fact, it felt like the date was ballooning inside me, and those noises coming from my gut were my organs being shoved from their natural place by the date in my stomach. I left for the game feeling this way, and it instantly killed my appetite.
And this morning I'm still not hungry. I shit a little -- hey, I thought it said it was hign in fiber! And now I feel fat. I should exercise somewhere tonight. Maybe then I'll be hungry.
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Wrestling (Re-Entry!). Very polarized survey this week. Very weak bottom half, but the top three squads went undefeated for the week. I am choosing the Gopher wrestling team, even though they ripped through outclassed Michigan and Michigan St. teams because 1) the doubts that linger for the next two teams are greater than the ones for this team, at least for now; and 2) they got both of their wins on the road. Friday's win against the Spartans was a come-from-behind affair, where they needed to win their last two matches to win the overall war. They get to come home for two bouts this week, however they're against two ranked Big Ten squads: 12th-ranked Wisconsin Friday, and 25th-ranked Purdue (for their inaugural [?] Endowment Meet) Sunday afternoon.
#-2: Wild (Last Week: -9). This doesn't change the fact that they're still on the outside looking in in the Western Conference playoff race, but things do look a bit brighter after their recent swoon with a 3-0 week. Home cookin' still does wonders for this team, but they managed to follow up those victories against Columbus and Detroit with a tense 1-0 win over the Bastard Quebec Nordiques, where Martin Havlat tipped in the only tally about five minutes into the third period. At this moment they sit in 10th place in the conference, but only three points out of 7th. They're on the road for two more, conference- (and NHL-)leading San Jose and the Team That Was Stolen From Us, then come home Thursday to face the worst team in the league, Edmonton.
#-3: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -4). I don't want to downplay or denigrate their 5-0 combined sweep of North Dakota at Ridder last weekend but: Ho-hum, let's see 'em actually win a title. Goalie Noora Räty was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week for the fourth time this year for turning aside 37 shots in both games, so that is something that stands out. They finish their homestand with a pair against MSU-Mankato.
#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -7). I was at Tuesday night's win against Northwestern. Glad they won, glad it was a close game, but the times and circumstances where they fell behind showed that this team has a lot of weaknesses. They fell behind at the beginning of the game because the Wildcats were making it rain in The Land Of Three-Pointers and the Gophs weren't switching fast enough on defense. Northwestern cooled down, though, allowing the Gophers to come back by pounding it inside. In the second half the Wildcats switched to a zone, and that absolutely stymied the team and allowed NU to come back from an eight-point halftime lead. Finally the Gophs got several steals, and Blake Hoffarber just went nuts from outside, to take back the lead for good. Hoffarber was 5-for-8 from three and finished with 20 points. Did you know he's second in three-point shooting in the country?
That doesn't completely make up for their heart-breaking, soul-crushing defeat to Michigan St. Saturday. They led by as many as 13 with a minute-plus gone in the second half, but the sixth-ranked Spartans came all the way back, and with 87 seconds left, Kalin Lucas, defending Big Ten Conference Player Of The Year, drained a three that gave MSU the lead for good. A dribble drive by Lawrence Westbrook, who became the 35th player in Gopher men's b-ball history to score 1,000 points in this game, came up short at the buzzer, and the team lost at home for the first time all season. This one hurt; they could've used this one, and they had it, only to let go of that bolt of lightning.
Only one game this week: at Evan Turner, leading candidate for Big Ten Conference Player Of The Year this year, and Ohio St. Sunday afternoon.
#-5: Swarm (Last Week: -1). Every team from here on down went winless for the week. It's only by numbers that the lacrosse team, which lost their only game this week (at home to Colorado in OT), is the best of the lousiest. They will try and turn that around at Buffalo Saturday; the Bandits are a shocking 0-4.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -8). This team is in danger of slipping into the bottom half of the Big Ten, and even though I haven't seen any of the bracketology projections, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that right now they're on the outside looking in on the NCAA Tournament after dropping a pair -- of games -- at home to Michigan St. and at Ohio St. The home loss Sunday by nine was bad; the drubbing in Columbus Thursday by 23 is a hell of a lot worse. This is looking more and more like the program it was when the corrupt and incompetent Cheryl Littlejohn was coaching. They have another Sunday-Thursday two-fer this week; thankfully, both are at Williams, against Illinois and Wisconsin.
#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5). An 0-4 abortion of a week, but in other news the sun came up this morning. The sole home loss, a buzzer-beater against New Orleans, was particularly discouraging, and absurd. It was on free TV, and the Wolves managed to come back and tie the game on an and-one by Jonny Flynn with 3.5 seconds to go. After the Bastard Charlotte Hornets called time out, they went to commercial. But in the middle of a spot they jump-cut to the game, in particular a shot of some of the Hornets hugging each other. They made the game-winning shot, a lay-up by James Posey, in the middle of a commercial break. Such a programming fuck-up shouldn't be tolerated on public access TV, but when it comes to the Wolves, it's for the best. They then were forced to hit the road to get their brains beat in by 33 to Milwaukee, 27 to a New York team that were forced to take up their asses the worst home loss in franchise history (by 50 to Dallas), and then by 14 to Cleveland. I don't know, but there's a possibility that they may have given up. The fans certainly have.
Nevertheless I will never reject a free ticket to a sporting event, and that's why I will be going (with the help of a good, very good friend) to tomorrow's (Friday's) game at Target Center. And since they're hosting the L.A. Clippers, and the Woofie Dogs are in the middle of a five-game losing streak, they might win this one. They also host the Knicks this week. This could be a 2-0 week ... if they care.
#-8: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -3). I went this team's 4-1 win over Bemidji St. back on Nov. 14, and as I assume they do at all games against teams in the state, Gopher fans shouted "Gopher rejects!" and clap-clap-clapped to make fun of the Beavers. Well, at any time during either game of 12th-ranked St. Cloud St.'s home-and-home sweep of the Gophs last weekend, do you think any of the Huskies fans were shouting "Husky rejects!" Because they should. Because they'd be right. I mean, the Timberwolves lost more games, but how could the only huge state school in Minnesota be whipped -- whipped! -- by a combined 8-4 to a small school 90 minutes to the northeast? It shouldn't happen to a school with a proud tradition as this team supposedly does. I ask again: When will there be more scrutiny on this program? They're at Alaska-Anchorage, traditionally one of the weakest teams in the WCHA. They could sweep this weekend, but since they look so medicore, so what?
#-Infinity: Vikings (Last Week: -2). I'll refer to what I said here. But I will add that this hurts especially because the Vikings, even though they never got to Drew Brees, limited him to about 250 yards of passing. With Leslie Frazier dialing up the perfect defensive scheme, all the offense had to do was fuck up just a tiny bit less than they did. But they did. They gave the ball away too many times, and thus they pissed the game away. And they may not have a team this good next year. Nothing is given to us. Who knows what could happen next year, or the year after? This loss destroys communities.
Whatever, Brett, we know you're coming back mid-August.
And by the way, the tenor of fans' reaction to the loss might change in the wake of Wednesday's appearance by NFL Officiating VP Mike Pereira on the NFL Network admitting the refs in that game should've called a personal foul on the New Orleans Saints on that high-low hit on Brett Favre just after he threw his first stupid interception. A flag would obviously have negated the pick, advanced the Vikes 15 yards and given them the first down. With that, Vikings fans could say that they wuz robbed, and they can join Twins fans in basking in martyrdom. Maybe now there'll be a groundswell for a new stadium -- "We need to give them everything they can because even the fuckin' refs are against us!"
#-2: Wild (Last Week: -9). This doesn't change the fact that they're still on the outside looking in in the Western Conference playoff race, but things do look a bit brighter after their recent swoon with a 3-0 week. Home cookin' still does wonders for this team, but they managed to follow up those victories against Columbus and Detroit with a tense 1-0 win over the Bastard Quebec Nordiques, where Martin Havlat tipped in the only tally about five minutes into the third period. At this moment they sit in 10th place in the conference, but only three points out of 7th. They're on the road for two more, conference- (and NHL-)leading San Jose and the Team That Was Stolen From Us, then come home Thursday to face the worst team in the league, Edmonton.
#-3: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -4). I don't want to downplay or denigrate their 5-0 combined sweep of North Dakota at Ridder last weekend but: Ho-hum, let's see 'em actually win a title. Goalie Noora Räty was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week for the fourth time this year for turning aside 37 shots in both games, so that is something that stands out. They finish their homestand with a pair against MSU-Mankato.
#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -7). I was at Tuesday night's win against Northwestern. Glad they won, glad it was a close game, but the times and circumstances where they fell behind showed that this team has a lot of weaknesses. They fell behind at the beginning of the game because the Wildcats were making it rain in The Land Of Three-Pointers and the Gophs weren't switching fast enough on defense. Northwestern cooled down, though, allowing the Gophers to come back by pounding it inside. In the second half the Wildcats switched to a zone, and that absolutely stymied the team and allowed NU to come back from an eight-point halftime lead. Finally the Gophs got several steals, and Blake Hoffarber just went nuts from outside, to take back the lead for good. Hoffarber was 5-for-8 from three and finished with 20 points. Did you know he's second in three-point shooting in the country?
That doesn't completely make up for their heart-breaking, soul-crushing defeat to Michigan St. Saturday. They led by as many as 13 with a minute-plus gone in the second half, but the sixth-ranked Spartans came all the way back, and with 87 seconds left, Kalin Lucas, defending Big Ten Conference Player Of The Year, drained a three that gave MSU the lead for good. A dribble drive by Lawrence Westbrook, who became the 35th player in Gopher men's b-ball history to score 1,000 points in this game, came up short at the buzzer, and the team lost at home for the first time all season. This one hurt; they could've used this one, and they had it, only to let go of that bolt of lightning.
Only one game this week: at Evan Turner, leading candidate for Big Ten Conference Player Of The Year this year, and Ohio St. Sunday afternoon.
#-5: Swarm (Last Week: -1). Every team from here on down went winless for the week. It's only by numbers that the lacrosse team, which lost their only game this week (at home to Colorado in OT), is the best of the lousiest. They will try and turn that around at Buffalo Saturday; the Bandits are a shocking 0-4.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -8). This team is in danger of slipping into the bottom half of the Big Ten, and even though I haven't seen any of the bracketology projections, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that right now they're on the outside looking in on the NCAA Tournament after dropping a pair -- of games -- at home to Michigan St. and at Ohio St. The home loss Sunday by nine was bad; the drubbing in Columbus Thursday by 23 is a hell of a lot worse. This is looking more and more like the program it was when the corrupt and incompetent Cheryl Littlejohn was coaching. They have another Sunday-Thursday two-fer this week; thankfully, both are at Williams, against Illinois and Wisconsin.
#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5). An 0-4 abortion of a week, but in other news the sun came up this morning. The sole home loss, a buzzer-beater against New Orleans, was particularly discouraging, and absurd. It was on free TV, and the Wolves managed to come back and tie the game on an and-one by Jonny Flynn with 3.5 seconds to go. After the Bastard Charlotte Hornets called time out, they went to commercial. But in the middle of a spot they jump-cut to the game, in particular a shot of some of the Hornets hugging each other. They made the game-winning shot, a lay-up by James Posey, in the middle of a commercial break. Such a programming fuck-up shouldn't be tolerated on public access TV, but when it comes to the Wolves, it's for the best. They then were forced to hit the road to get their brains beat in by 33 to Milwaukee, 27 to a New York team that were forced to take up their asses the worst home loss in franchise history (by 50 to Dallas), and then by 14 to Cleveland. I don't know, but there's a possibility that they may have given up. The fans certainly have.
Nevertheless I will never reject a free ticket to a sporting event, and that's why I will be going (with the help of a good, very good friend) to tomorrow's (Friday's) game at Target Center. And since they're hosting the L.A. Clippers, and the Woofie Dogs are in the middle of a five-game losing streak, they might win this one. They also host the Knicks this week. This could be a 2-0 week ... if they care.
#-8: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -3). I went this team's 4-1 win over Bemidji St. back on Nov. 14, and as I assume they do at all games against teams in the state, Gopher fans shouted "Gopher rejects!" and clap-clap-clapped to make fun of the Beavers. Well, at any time during either game of 12th-ranked St. Cloud St.'s home-and-home sweep of the Gophs last weekend, do you think any of the Huskies fans were shouting "Husky rejects!" Because they should. Because they'd be right. I mean, the Timberwolves lost more games, but how could the only huge state school in Minnesota be whipped -- whipped! -- by a combined 8-4 to a small school 90 minutes to the northeast? It shouldn't happen to a school with a proud tradition as this team supposedly does. I ask again: When will there be more scrutiny on this program? They're at Alaska-Anchorage, traditionally one of the weakest teams in the WCHA. They could sweep this weekend, but since they look so medicore, so what?
#-Infinity: Vikings (Last Week: -2). I'll refer to what I said here. But I will add that this hurts especially because the Vikings, even though they never got to Drew Brees, limited him to about 250 yards of passing. With Leslie Frazier dialing up the perfect defensive scheme, all the offense had to do was fuck up just a tiny bit less than they did. But they did. They gave the ball away too many times, and thus they pissed the game away. And they may not have a team this good next year. Nothing is given to us. Who knows what could happen next year, or the year after? This loss destroys communities.
Whatever, Brett, we know you're coming back mid-August.
And by the way, the tenor of fans' reaction to the loss might change in the wake of Wednesday's appearance by NFL Officiating VP Mike Pereira on the NFL Network admitting the refs in that game should've called a personal foul on the New Orleans Saints on that high-low hit on Brett Favre just after he threw his first stupid interception. A flag would obviously have negated the pick, advanced the Vikes 15 yards and given them the first down. With that, Vikings fans could say that they wuz robbed, and they can join Twins fans in basking in martyrdom. Maybe now there'll be a groundswell for a new stadium -- "We need to give them everything they can because even the fuckin' refs are against us!"
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I Have To Give My Father One Thing
To keep the peace at home, and to maintain any chance that I'll be allowed to still live at home, I have started to, finally, work at cleaning my room, specifically at going through and throwing away all the newspapers and other papers that I have accumulated. And by being confronted with this task, I came to a realization that I secretly knew in the back of my mind: I have a lot of stuff. A. Lot. And there are still some papers that I want to keep.
I have a grocery bag of papers I need to go through. Then I have another bag of papers I need to go through. Then I have a box of papers I need to go through. And then, hopefully, there won't be so many papers, although the papers I do keep I eventually have to read through. And then, of course, I have to make sure I don't add to the pile of papers, which will be hard.
Need to get around to learning how to clean around the house too. Thought about using the mop, pouring in some water, some bleach, some dishwashing liquid and just, I don't know, wipe the basement tile floor.
I had a friend tell me as she was going through a divorce, "You should want to do things for someone to make him happy. I found myself doing things just to not make him mad." That adage holds true for parents as well as spouses.
I have a grocery bag of papers I need to go through. Then I have another bag of papers I need to go through. Then I have a box of papers I need to go through. And then, hopefully, there won't be so many papers, although the papers I do keep I eventually have to read through. And then, of course, I have to make sure I don't add to the pile of papers, which will be hard.
Need to get around to learning how to clean around the house too. Thought about using the mop, pouring in some water, some bleach, some dishwashing liquid and just, I don't know, wipe the basement tile floor.
I had a friend tell me as she was going through a divorce, "You should want to do things for someone to make him happy. I found myself doing things just to not make him mad." That adage holds true for parents as well as spouses.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Family Stuff
Planned to go out; Mother didn't want me to; told her I'd be home at midnight, a lot earlier than usual. Things are still tense at the house, so I need her on my side. Anyway I get home at a quarter to 1. Mother's usually asleep, but they can hear the garage door and there is a motion light in front of the house, so she could've woken up. Does this make me a liar?
---
Grandmother's at it again. She lit some incense tonight. At 2:30 in the morning. When I told her (and I don't think she knew exactly what time it was) she looked at her watch, acknowledged the time, and did it anyway. Weird, and I smelled it from where I type for a half-hour afterwards.
She's losing it, again. But worst of all, the thing I was thinking as she was blazin' the incense was, What will My Father think? Sigh. Living here is turning me insane. ...
---
Grandmother's at it again. She lit some incense tonight. At 2:30 in the morning. When I told her (and I don't think she knew exactly what time it was) she looked at her watch, acknowledged the time, and did it anyway. Weird, and I smelled it from where I type for a half-hour afterwards.
She's losing it, again. But worst of all, the thing I was thinking as she was blazin' the incense was, What will My Father think? Sigh. Living here is turning me insane. ...
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I've been feeling very blue the past few days. A combination of fighting My Father, the Vikings losing, and the weather has made me feel as despondent as I have all winter. And with depression, you don't compare your feelings to those of seasons past, so it feels as if I have never been more down.
I feel both overwhelmed and lost. The facts that I'm close to being 34 and directionless, still living and fighting with my parents, feels more humiliating now than before.
What am I supposed to do now?
I feel both overwhelmed and lost. The facts that I'm close to being 34 and directionless, still living and fighting with my parents, feels more humiliating now than before.
What am I supposed to do now?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Goddamn Vikings Fail
Cannot fucking believe it, but they made us fans look like fools again. Still fucking sucks.
Too many goddamn mistakes -- three fumbles, that embarrassing 12-men-on-the-field penalty, and then Favre -- what the fuck were you thinking, Favre? You never throw across your body into the middle of the field. You learn to not do that in Pop Warner. You certainly learn that by the time you get to high school ... unless you're a QB at Oak Grove High in Hattiesburg, Miss., because that's where Favre hangs out.
Shocked that more people seem pissed at Peterson. Yeah, he lost the ball three times but they got it back twice. And yeah, that fumble before the half hurt, but they had 30 more minutes to make up for it ... and they would have if not for the fucking interception.
Why, Brett, why???
Why, God, why?!?!?!
The Curse Of '98 lives. After they pissed their chance away against Atlanta, I was convinced that this team will never win a Super Bowl, at least while they're in Minnesota. And I'm still right.
Goddamn it...
Too many goddamn mistakes -- three fumbles, that embarrassing 12-men-on-the-field penalty, and then Favre -- what the fuck were you thinking, Favre? You never throw across your body into the middle of the field. You learn to not do that in Pop Warner. You certainly learn that by the time you get to high school ... unless you're a QB at Oak Grove High in Hattiesburg, Miss., because that's where Favre hangs out.
Shocked that more people seem pissed at Peterson. Yeah, he lost the ball three times but they got it back twice. And yeah, that fumble before the half hurt, but they had 30 more minutes to make up for it ... and they would have if not for the fucking interception.
Why, Brett, why???
Why, God, why?!?!?!
The Curse Of '98 lives. After they pissed their chance away against Atlanta, I was convinced that this team will never win a Super Bowl, at least while they're in Minnesota. And I'm still right.
Goddamn it...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I Now Want To Kill Both My Father And My Grandmother
This has been a very, very bad past couple of days. I'm back on bad terms with My Fucking Father, who has again threatened to throw me out of the house. And now I'm really mad at Grandmother, who may be getting more senile by the day and whose "antics" started this whole thing.
Grandmother's been sick lately. And when she's sick, she seems to get a lot more needy. I shouldn't complain; I was very needy when I was a child and wanted things from her. But the many times she calls for me, all the times she shuffles up to my door and scratches it like a cat, blah-blah-blah, it gets to me. I take after My Fucking Father, who is quick to be annoyed whenever someone talks to him about anything.
Friday was the day we were going to have ribs, and my job was to stick around to put it in, change the temperature, and just look at it all afternoon. But Grandmother, who's been fighting this cold, out of the blue wanted something to eat. There's a lot to eat at home -- much of bought by her -- but she wanted to go this grocery store close by. She's my Grandmother; how can I say no, even after she pissed me off the previous two days by asking me to get her soup and not drinking it?
So, after Father gave me the go-ahead, I preheat the oven and start the car and we go out. She looks like she just wants potatoes and gravy, but just as soon as I think we're done, she all of a sudden wants ribs. Just like a child. And then she thinks we need tomatoes and cucumbers. I then dreamt that the house was on fire. We took almost half an hour at the grocery store, but luckily it was just hot. I put the ribs in and then, without telling Father, I leave to drop off Grandmother's medication, something that has to be done.
One problem: Between concentrating on getting the ribs done right and my frustration that My Fucking Grandmother wanted to buy lunch, I forgot my phone. I remembered it at Target and I hoped to Buddha My Fucking Father didn't call. But when I came home, My Fucking Grandmother told me he did. And when I found my phone (which was in my room all this time), I saw that I missed four calls. And I knew they were all from my panicky bitch of a father.
I called him back. He asked me where I was; like a too-dutiful son I told him. Like I thought, he called to remind me to turn down the heat. He then told me I shouldn't be going to Target blah-blah-blah, bitch, piss and moan. I hang up on him.
Per his instructions I needed to keep the ribs moist, so a little later I took the ribs out and spritzed some water on them. But when I put it back it wouldn't go in all the way. On the underside of the oven there's a ceiling grill; either I didn't notice it or it just slipped off, but it was now low enough that it was preventing the very tall ribs from going all the way through the oven.
I was in a panic; I got My Fucking Father yelling at me and now I get caught with this happening to me??? Grandmother tried to help, but try as we wanted to shove it in, the pan would go all askew and we would have to take it out again. She suggested I call My Fucking Father and tell him what happened; three times I said, "I am not going to call that bastard." I give her my cellphone and even dial the number. She at first refused but then relented. She told him everything; I couldn't tell what he was saying, but since it wasn't on speakerphone I knew he was yelling.
My Fucking Father told her to just shut everything down. As soon as she told me, I just shoved the whole pan in, and it was fine. Well, the grill was touching the taller of the two ribs, but, you know, whatever. I'm not going to just harpoon the entire operation just because a grill's touching the food, although it's kind of gross. I made Grandmother call My Fucking Father again to tell him we have things "working" now.
Just as I thought, My Fucking Father was being a dick to me for dinner. But instead of out and out yelling at me, he gave me the silent treatment. He'd usually slice pieces of meat for me, but not tonight. He would shoot the shit with me about the Vikings game on Sunday, but not tonight. Whatever -- I had a couple bumps in the road but the food is cooked, no? Are you happy ... well, I should never ask that question to you, but the bottom line is I got the food done. I utter "fucking asshole" after he was done passing out slices of rib without giving me one. He may, may, have shoved the bowl of sauce my way when I carved out my own slice, but otherwise he didn't even acknowledge me.
By the way, I checked later that afternoon (before dinner) on the trays of food we bought at the grocery store. My Fucking Grandmother did not eat a single scrap of food. You mean to tell me that I got off my ass, put more miles on my old car, risked the wrath of My Fucking Father and jeopardized the goddamn house to GET YOU FOOD YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING EAT?!?!?! GODDAMN YOU, GRANDMOTHER, GODDAMN YOU FOR GETTING ME INTO SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---
I had it with My Fucking Father today. I decided I was going to eat out tonight, just to put a little space between us. I call my mother's cell because I wanted to make sure I avoided My Fucking Father. But guess who answers her cell?
"Why are you answering Mama's phone?"
"What?!"
Then I let him have it ... without yelling: "Why are you answering Mama's phone?"
And then My Fucking Father went off about ... I can't tell what he was ranting about. Probably disrespect. But he accuses me of being stupid and lazy (true, but don't tell him), of being so untidy that I attract mice (it ain't my fault, asshole), and of being a freeloader like Grandmother, the woman who helped raise him when he was young (nice job of being grateful, dick). He says I'm being ungrateful for cleaning up after me; I wish I knew how to say "You always make me feel guilty when you help me" in Chinese, but once again the language barrier short-circuits any ability for me to hold my end of an argument. He also told me that if I don't like it, I should move out and take Grandmother with me. He made it very clear to me that he feels that we're both a burden to him. And while that may be true, I really, really can't believe that anybody who considers himself to be a good father, let alone a good person, would actually say that.
He gave up talking to me and handed my mom's cell to my mom, who tried to explain what was going on: Besides not antagonizing him, apparently they found several mice downstairs (which explains the glue traps upstairs). That does explain his mood, but like always, it doesn't excuse the way he yells at me. I just want him to stop yelling at me. He won't, so not only did I not eat at home tonight but I'm not eating at home tomorrow night, either. I'll find somewhere else to go to watch the Vikings game.
I'm not going anywhere. I can't make it out there.
I still want to kill both My Fucking Father and My Fucking Grandmother.
Like I said before, it's going to wind up to where either I kill him, or he kills me.
Grandmother's been sick lately. And when she's sick, she seems to get a lot more needy. I shouldn't complain; I was very needy when I was a child and wanted things from her. But the many times she calls for me, all the times she shuffles up to my door and scratches it like a cat, blah-blah-blah, it gets to me. I take after My Fucking Father, who is quick to be annoyed whenever someone talks to him about anything.
Friday was the day we were going to have ribs, and my job was to stick around to put it in, change the temperature, and just look at it all afternoon. But Grandmother, who's been fighting this cold, out of the blue wanted something to eat. There's a lot to eat at home -- much of bought by her -- but she wanted to go this grocery store close by. She's my Grandmother; how can I say no, even after she pissed me off the previous two days by asking me to get her soup and not drinking it?
So, after Father gave me the go-ahead, I preheat the oven and start the car and we go out. She looks like she just wants potatoes and gravy, but just as soon as I think we're done, she all of a sudden wants ribs. Just like a child. And then she thinks we need tomatoes and cucumbers. I then dreamt that the house was on fire. We took almost half an hour at the grocery store, but luckily it was just hot. I put the ribs in and then, without telling Father, I leave to drop off Grandmother's medication, something that has to be done.
One problem: Between concentrating on getting the ribs done right and my frustration that My Fucking Grandmother wanted to buy lunch, I forgot my phone. I remembered it at Target and I hoped to Buddha My Fucking Father didn't call. But when I came home, My Fucking Grandmother told me he did. And when I found my phone (which was in my room all this time), I saw that I missed four calls. And I knew they were all from my panicky bitch of a father.
I called him back. He asked me where I was; like a too-dutiful son I told him. Like I thought, he called to remind me to turn down the heat. He then told me I shouldn't be going to Target blah-blah-blah, bitch, piss and moan. I hang up on him.
Per his instructions I needed to keep the ribs moist, so a little later I took the ribs out and spritzed some water on them. But when I put it back it wouldn't go in all the way. On the underside of the oven there's a ceiling grill; either I didn't notice it or it just slipped off, but it was now low enough that it was preventing the very tall ribs from going all the way through the oven.
I was in a panic; I got My Fucking Father yelling at me and now I get caught with this happening to me??? Grandmother tried to help, but try as we wanted to shove it in, the pan would go all askew and we would have to take it out again. She suggested I call My Fucking Father and tell him what happened; three times I said, "I am not going to call that bastard." I give her my cellphone and even dial the number. She at first refused but then relented. She told him everything; I couldn't tell what he was saying, but since it wasn't on speakerphone I knew he was yelling.
My Fucking Father told her to just shut everything down. As soon as she told me, I just shoved the whole pan in, and it was fine. Well, the grill was touching the taller of the two ribs, but, you know, whatever. I'm not going to just harpoon the entire operation just because a grill's touching the food, although it's kind of gross. I made Grandmother call My Fucking Father again to tell him we have things "working" now.
Just as I thought, My Fucking Father was being a dick to me for dinner. But instead of out and out yelling at me, he gave me the silent treatment. He'd usually slice pieces of meat for me, but not tonight. He would shoot the shit with me about the Vikings game on Sunday, but not tonight. Whatever -- I had a couple bumps in the road but the food is cooked, no? Are you happy ... well, I should never ask that question to you, but the bottom line is I got the food done. I utter "fucking asshole" after he was done passing out slices of rib without giving me one. He may, may, have shoved the bowl of sauce my way when I carved out my own slice, but otherwise he didn't even acknowledge me.
By the way, I checked later that afternoon (before dinner) on the trays of food we bought at the grocery store. My Fucking Grandmother did not eat a single scrap of food. You mean to tell me that I got off my ass, put more miles on my old car, risked the wrath of My Fucking Father and jeopardized the goddamn house to GET YOU FOOD YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING EAT?!?!?! GODDAMN YOU, GRANDMOTHER, GODDAMN YOU FOR GETTING ME INTO SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---
I had it with My Fucking Father today. I decided I was going to eat out tonight, just to put a little space between us. I call my mother's cell because I wanted to make sure I avoided My Fucking Father. But guess who answers her cell?
"Why are you answering Mama's phone?"
"What?!"
Then I let him have it ... without yelling: "Why are you answering Mama's phone?"
And then My Fucking Father went off about ... I can't tell what he was ranting about. Probably disrespect. But he accuses me of being stupid and lazy (true, but don't tell him), of being so untidy that I attract mice (it ain't my fault, asshole), and of being a freeloader like Grandmother, the woman who helped raise him when he was young (nice job of being grateful, dick). He says I'm being ungrateful for cleaning up after me; I wish I knew how to say "You always make me feel guilty when you help me" in Chinese, but once again the language barrier short-circuits any ability for me to hold my end of an argument. He also told me that if I don't like it, I should move out and take Grandmother with me. He made it very clear to me that he feels that we're both a burden to him. And while that may be true, I really, really can't believe that anybody who considers himself to be a good father, let alone a good person, would actually say that.
He gave up talking to me and handed my mom's cell to my mom, who tried to explain what was going on: Besides not antagonizing him, apparently they found several mice downstairs (which explains the glue traps upstairs). That does explain his mood, but like always, it doesn't excuse the way he yells at me. I just want him to stop yelling at me. He won't, so not only did I not eat at home tonight but I'm not eating at home tomorrow night, either. I'll find somewhere else to go to watch the Vikings game.
I'm not going anywhere. I can't make it out there.
I still want to kill both My Fucking Father and My Fucking Grandmother.
Like I said before, it's going to wind up to where either I kill him, or he kills me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Death Of A Mouse
My Grandmother has annoyed me lately with her constant shuffling to my bedroom door and her cat-like scraping when she wants something from me. It bugs me so much that I dread it whenever I hear the scuffles coming down the hallway.
She had bothered me already when she wanted my help in calling Hong Kong an hour earlier than she said she wanted to call. But this time was different:
"We trapped a mouse. What should we do with it?"
We've had a mouse problem for a while. I've actually seen a mouse (or at least one) running across the floor of the bathroom and my bedroom. They're filthy, I know, and they spread disease, something I have to be worried about because of my Grandmother. But I don't know what to do to combat the problem. Well, there are these cages that I could set up where they'll just be locked up while I could, like, drop them off somewhere. But mousetraps are too barbaric, and glue traps are even worse because they die slowly. With no wherewithall to set up large cages around the house, I did what I usually do when faced with a big problem: I ignored it.
Woke up today seeing a glue trap on the floor underneath the toaster over. One was placed (probably by My Fucking Father) between the refrigerator and the wastebasket in the kitchen. And I'll be damned, that's where the rat was, facing the trash can.
My Grandmother was talking to me about what to do with the mouse. I was going to say you just throw the whole thing in the trash when I saw the most heartbreaking thing ever: I saw the mouse lurch forward, trying to escape the glue. It was alive; Grandmother was wrong and it took her several seconds of looking at it before it moved again. This small, dirty creature was attempting to get out, but it couldn't, try as he might. What could the little guy be thinking? The desperation. ...
"What should we do?" my Grandmother asked. Oh God, please don't ask me. I couldn't believe those fucking things would actually capture a mouse, now she wants me to do something about it? I was just going to, well, ignore it. I had a Coke I wanted to drink tonight; I'll just open the fridge without turning the kitchen light on.
But Grandmother, well, she's stronger than I am. "OK, I know what to do," she said as she went to the back door. Oh God, what are you planning to do? She reached into this basket that's right next to the door and pulled up a wrench. Now, I know what has to be done, or at least could be done because, again, you could've just let it die. It's vermin, and even though it's one of God's creatures, it could make everyone here sick. But I ... I ... can't do that. I can't kill a rat. I just can't.
Like Dakota Fanning when Tom Cruise went into the back to kill Tim Robbins in the remake of War Of The Worlds, I covered my ears as my Grandmother went to kill the poor thing. It wasn't doing anything wrong besides finding our crumbs and tracking its poisonous shit all over the floor. This is why I can't live by myself. One night, I will be asked to be a man, to protect this house from all invaders and threats, and to kill because pests cannot be allowed to live among us. And as much as I agree with the conclusion, the act, the terrifying, permanent act itself is something I will forever be unable to do. I just can't kill a rat.
But my Grandmother can, and did. That's why I need her. Well, one of many reasons why.
Afterwards she needed my help separating the trap from the mouse. Great, now I have sticky hands too. I'm getting this glue shit all over the laptop now.
She had bothered me already when she wanted my help in calling Hong Kong an hour earlier than she said she wanted to call. But this time was different:
"We trapped a mouse. What should we do with it?"
We've had a mouse problem for a while. I've actually seen a mouse (or at least one) running across the floor of the bathroom and my bedroom. They're filthy, I know, and they spread disease, something I have to be worried about because of my Grandmother. But I don't know what to do to combat the problem. Well, there are these cages that I could set up where they'll just be locked up while I could, like, drop them off somewhere. But mousetraps are too barbaric, and glue traps are even worse because they die slowly. With no wherewithall to set up large cages around the house, I did what I usually do when faced with a big problem: I ignored it.
Woke up today seeing a glue trap on the floor underneath the toaster over. One was placed (probably by My Fucking Father) between the refrigerator and the wastebasket in the kitchen. And I'll be damned, that's where the rat was, facing the trash can.
My Grandmother was talking to me about what to do with the mouse. I was going to say you just throw the whole thing in the trash when I saw the most heartbreaking thing ever: I saw the mouse lurch forward, trying to escape the glue. It was alive; Grandmother was wrong and it took her several seconds of looking at it before it moved again. This small, dirty creature was attempting to get out, but it couldn't, try as he might. What could the little guy be thinking? The desperation. ...
"What should we do?" my Grandmother asked. Oh God, please don't ask me. I couldn't believe those fucking things would actually capture a mouse, now she wants me to do something about it? I was just going to, well, ignore it. I had a Coke I wanted to drink tonight; I'll just open the fridge without turning the kitchen light on.
But Grandmother, well, she's stronger than I am. "OK, I know what to do," she said as she went to the back door. Oh God, what are you planning to do? She reached into this basket that's right next to the door and pulled up a wrench. Now, I know what has to be done, or at least could be done because, again, you could've just let it die. It's vermin, and even though it's one of God's creatures, it could make everyone here sick. But I ... I ... can't do that. I can't kill a rat. I just can't.
Like Dakota Fanning when Tom Cruise went into the back to kill Tim Robbins in the remake of War Of The Worlds, I covered my ears as my Grandmother went to kill the poor thing. It wasn't doing anything wrong besides finding our crumbs and tracking its poisonous shit all over the floor. This is why I can't live by myself. One night, I will be asked to be a man, to protect this house from all invaders and threats, and to kill because pests cannot be allowed to live among us. And as much as I agree with the conclusion, the act, the terrifying, permanent act itself is something I will forever be unable to do. I just can't kill a rat.
But my Grandmother can, and did. That's why I need her. Well, one of many reasons why.
Afterwards she needed my help separating the trap from the mouse. Great, now I have sticky hands too. I'm getting this glue shit all over the laptop now.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Swarm (Last Week: -8). Saw them beat the defending champion Calgary Roughnecks with my own eyes! And it was a fairly convincing win too! Zach Greer, the Chosen One, scored his first professional goal and chipped in four assists. And the Swarm scored three goals, no more and no less, in all four periods, a remarkable sign of consistency -- either that or it's just a coincidence. They host Colorado Friday/tonight. However, I won't be attending that game because I think I'm going to tune into the Haiti fundraiser.
#-2: Vikings (Last Week: -9). OK, I was wrong. I did not believe the Vikes were going to manhandle the Cowboys like they did, let alone win. But I too saw this with my own eyes. Favre, Peterson and especially Rice were firing on all cylinders, the offensive line kept Favre clean, and most importantly, they were able to generate a pass rush. Now I get to be afraid of the New Orleans Saints. The greatest factor should be that it's on the road, where the Vikes are only 4-4 this year. But there are some paths to victory. Since the NFC Championship Game is in a dome, the team's speed remains. The defensive line and linebacker corps aren't the toughest, so there's an assumption that the Vikings will be able to run the ball. And the Saints have a Left Tackle that ain't the best, so maybe Jared Allen can singlehandedly fuck up Drew Brees's rhythm? Vikes fans have absorbed all these weaknesses and run with them; assuming they will win and get to their first Super Bowl since '77 is everywhere in the state. It would serve us right if they lost, like, 41-doughnut again.
By the way, Prince has come out with a fight song for the Vikings. Haven't heard it and won't. He's a great guy, a fantastic musician, even a genius. But he has no business penning a fight song for the Purple. Combine that with Harvin, Edwards and Kevin Williams being injured and Favre being on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and I'm now more than certain that they're going to lose.
#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1). Going up to North Dakota and extracting a win and a tie from the fourth-ranked team in the country may be the first impressive thing this team has done all year. In the 5-1 victory Saturday, Tony Lucia and Jacob Cepis tallied the fastest back-to-back goals in Gopher history: seven seconds apart. Goalie Alex Kangas was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week and Zach Budish Rookie Of The Week. This weekend: a home-and-home with 12th-ranked St. Cloud St.
#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). OK, I don't get this. The still-second-ranked team in the nation went up to Bemidji St. and tied twice. I think that if this were men's hockey, they have an overtime period and if it's still tied, the game ends in a tie. But in women's hockey there's a shootout, and the Gophers won both. And yet, both games are recorded as ties. But then, the team gets an extra point as if they won both games. Which they did. I don't get it. I didn't put the women's hockey team behind the men's because they didn't win a game; I put them behind them because I'm just worn out over why women's hockey has this ridiculous rule. They host North Dakota for two this weekend.
#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7). A 1-2 weekend -- a five-point win at home against Philadelphia, a two-point loss at Target against the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics, and a 25-point loss at Memphis. How did the Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies become a .500 team? Didn't we trade O.J. Mayo to them for Kevin Love? How did that work out? Whatever. This week they host the Bastard Charlotte Hornets (lots of bastards ...) then on the road for three, winding up in Cleveland. Good luck!
#-6: Lynx (Re-Entry!). Trading for Lindsay Whalen actually happened last week, but it's so important that even though I forgot, I think I should put this in now and state the obvious: This is purely pandering to the fans. This franchise is in trouble, and they think they need Whalen to bring people to games. And they're right ... except that I think the Lynx have been so bad for so long that I doubt it'll matter. Besides, this is a past-her-prime, broke-down Whalen, not the ascending Whalen that brought the Connecticut Sun to two WNBA Finals losses. This might work for, oh, one game. Then they need to win.
#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). Both b-ball teams had just one game this week, both this past Sunday, both on the road, both against beatable teams ... and both came up agonizingly short. The men were down by as much as 15 points in the second half against Indiana but managed to tie the game and send it to overtime. There, they had a five point lead late in the game. But the Hoosiers ended the game on an 8-0 run to defeat the Gophs, 81-78. They get to go back to their coccoon for their two games this week; unfortunately, they are against Big Ten leaders Michigan St. and NCAA bubble team Northwestern. And speaking of Northwestern. ...
#-8: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). ... the distaff Wildcats somehow erased a three-point deficit in the last two minutes of the game by getting to the line and hitting four free throws; they beat the lady Gophs 61-60. They still have yet to win on the road in Big Ten play. They get another shot Thursday at Ohio St., but not before hosting Michigan St. Sunday afternoon.
#-9: Wild (Last Week: -3). And this team has skidded back towards the bottom of the barrel again. A comeback shootout loss to Detroit caps an 0-3 week and leaves them on a four-game losing skid. They scored at least three goals all three losses, so what could it be? They have another three games this week: home to Columbus, home to the Red Wings again (they'll be playing the Winged Wheel at the X six days apart ... nice scheduling there, NHL), then at Colorado to face the Bastard Quebec Nordiques.
#-2: Vikings (Last Week: -9). OK, I was wrong. I did not believe the Vikes were going to manhandle the Cowboys like they did, let alone win. But I too saw this with my own eyes. Favre, Peterson and especially Rice were firing on all cylinders, the offensive line kept Favre clean, and most importantly, they were able to generate a pass rush. Now I get to be afraid of the New Orleans Saints. The greatest factor should be that it's on the road, where the Vikes are only 4-4 this year. But there are some paths to victory. Since the NFC Championship Game is in a dome, the team's speed remains. The defensive line and linebacker corps aren't the toughest, so there's an assumption that the Vikings will be able to run the ball. And the Saints have a Left Tackle that ain't the best, so maybe Jared Allen can singlehandedly fuck up Drew Brees's rhythm? Vikes fans have absorbed all these weaknesses and run with them; assuming they will win and get to their first Super Bowl since '77 is everywhere in the state. It would serve us right if they lost, like, 41-doughnut again.
By the way, Prince has come out with a fight song for the Vikings. Haven't heard it and won't. He's a great guy, a fantastic musician, even a genius. But he has no business penning a fight song for the Purple. Combine that with Harvin, Edwards and Kevin Williams being injured and Favre being on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and I'm now more than certain that they're going to lose.
#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1). Going up to North Dakota and extracting a win and a tie from the fourth-ranked team in the country may be the first impressive thing this team has done all year. In the 5-1 victory Saturday, Tony Lucia and Jacob Cepis tallied the fastest back-to-back goals in Gopher history: seven seconds apart. Goalie Alex Kangas was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week and Zach Budish Rookie Of The Week. This weekend: a home-and-home with 12th-ranked St. Cloud St.
#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). OK, I don't get this. The still-second-ranked team in the nation went up to Bemidji St. and tied twice. I think that if this were men's hockey, they have an overtime period and if it's still tied, the game ends in a tie. But in women's hockey there's a shootout, and the Gophers won both. And yet, both games are recorded as ties. But then, the team gets an extra point as if they won both games. Which they did. I don't get it. I didn't put the women's hockey team behind the men's because they didn't win a game; I put them behind them because I'm just worn out over why women's hockey has this ridiculous rule. They host North Dakota for two this weekend.
#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7). A 1-2 weekend -- a five-point win at home against Philadelphia, a two-point loss at Target against the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics, and a 25-point loss at Memphis. How did the Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies become a .500 team? Didn't we trade O.J. Mayo to them for Kevin Love? How did that work out? Whatever. This week they host the Bastard Charlotte Hornets (lots of bastards ...) then on the road for three, winding up in Cleveland. Good luck!
#-6: Lynx (Re-Entry!). Trading for Lindsay Whalen actually happened last week, but it's so important that even though I forgot, I think I should put this in now and state the obvious: This is purely pandering to the fans. This franchise is in trouble, and they think they need Whalen to bring people to games. And they're right ... except that I think the Lynx have been so bad for so long that I doubt it'll matter. Besides, this is a past-her-prime, broke-down Whalen, not the ascending Whalen that brought the Connecticut Sun to two WNBA Finals losses. This might work for, oh, one game. Then they need to win.
#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). Both b-ball teams had just one game this week, both this past Sunday, both on the road, both against beatable teams ... and both came up agonizingly short. The men were down by as much as 15 points in the second half against Indiana but managed to tie the game and send it to overtime. There, they had a five point lead late in the game. But the Hoosiers ended the game on an 8-0 run to defeat the Gophs, 81-78. They get to go back to their coccoon for their two games this week; unfortunately, they are against Big Ten leaders Michigan St. and NCAA bubble team Northwestern. And speaking of Northwestern. ...
#-8: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). ... the distaff Wildcats somehow erased a three-point deficit in the last two minutes of the game by getting to the line and hitting four free throws; they beat the lady Gophs 61-60. They still have yet to win on the road in Big Ten play. They get another shot Thursday at Ohio St., but not before hosting Michigan St. Sunday afternoon.
#-9: Wild (Last Week: -3). And this team has skidded back towards the bottom of the barrel again. A comeback shootout loss to Detroit caps an 0-3 week and leaves them on a four-game losing skid. They scored at least three goals all three losses, so what could it be? They have another three games this week: home to Columbus, home to the Red Wings again (they'll be playing the Winged Wheel at the X six days apart ... nice scheduling there, NHL), then at Colorado to face the Bastard Quebec Nordiques.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Grandmother Went To The Doctor This Afternoon
I'm going to try and do something a bit different here. I need to do a better job of tracking Grandmother's visits to the doctor, and the only way I think I can do it with any accuracy is to just put it in my blog.
But I will say something else, and it's something somewhat health-related. I am saddened, pissed off, and sickened that Massachusetts elected a right wingnut teabagger Republican, some nude model/truck driver/douche named Scott Brown to take over Ted Kennedy's Senate seat. Now this asshole is the mythical Senator 41, the man who will gleefully kill health insurance reform by taking over the seat of the man who made affordable health care for all his lifelong fight, an vicious set of circumstances that proves that there is no God.
Now President Obama, who has taken his pragmatism way too far, and the spineless Democrats in Congress are now trying to sand down their bill, a plan of reform that didn't go far enough in the first place. Guaranteed issue? Probably gone. Subsidies for the poor? In the shitter. "Bending the curve" so that this entitlement program won't bankrupt the country in a decade? Fuck it. Making everybody get insurance? Yeah, that's still in there. Because insurance companies want more money. And Republicans are the insurance companies' buttboys. And Democrats flank them on the other side.
There is a lot of blame to go around. The Democrat candidate, Martha Coakley (should be called "Choakley") acted arrogantly and entitled to the seat. President Obama may have spent too much time and capital trying to be bipartisan. And this extreme rightwing movement, these teabaggers, are scary and will destroy the country with their pro-gun, anti-minority, crazy-ass agenda. But I have to blame a person and a people. The person is Brown, a man who probably got elected because he's tall. (I just read Blink, and he fits the "Warren Harding Error" to a T.) But, in a democracy, we get the government we deserve. And so we the bulk of the blame must be placed on the voters of Massachusetts, a state that has been solidly blue for a century, and has decided on fear, not change.
This Brown-noser says he's going to Washington to end "business as usual." He wants to reverse the policies of the Obama Administration ... that has been in power for exactly one fucking year. Obama was elected to end "business as usual," meaning the eight years of George W. Bush, a Republican just like Brown. This Brown liar doesn't want to end "business as usual." He wants "business as usual." He is "business as usual."
Fuck this, and fuck all these people.
But I will say something else, and it's something somewhat health-related. I am saddened, pissed off, and sickened that Massachusetts elected a right wingnut teabagger Republican, some nude model/truck driver/douche named Scott Brown to take over Ted Kennedy's Senate seat. Now this asshole is the mythical Senator 41, the man who will gleefully kill health insurance reform by taking over the seat of the man who made affordable health care for all his lifelong fight, an vicious set of circumstances that proves that there is no God.
Now President Obama, who has taken his pragmatism way too far, and the spineless Democrats in Congress are now trying to sand down their bill, a plan of reform that didn't go far enough in the first place. Guaranteed issue? Probably gone. Subsidies for the poor? In the shitter. "Bending the curve" so that this entitlement program won't bankrupt the country in a decade? Fuck it. Making everybody get insurance? Yeah, that's still in there. Because insurance companies want more money. And Republicans are the insurance companies' buttboys. And Democrats flank them on the other side.
There is a lot of blame to go around. The Democrat candidate, Martha Coakley (should be called "Choakley") acted arrogantly and entitled to the seat. President Obama may have spent too much time and capital trying to be bipartisan. And this extreme rightwing movement, these teabaggers, are scary and will destroy the country with their pro-gun, anti-minority, crazy-ass agenda. But I have to blame a person and a people. The person is Brown, a man who probably got elected because he's tall. (I just read Blink, and he fits the "Warren Harding Error" to a T.) But, in a democracy, we get the government we deserve. And so we the bulk of the blame must be placed on the voters of Massachusetts, a state that has been solidly blue for a century, and has decided on fear, not change.
This Brown-noser says he's going to Washington to end "business as usual." He wants to reverse the policies of the Obama Administration ... that has been in power for exactly one fucking year. Obama was elected to end "business as usual," meaning the eight years of George W. Bush, a Republican just like Brown. This Brown liar doesn't want to end "business as usual." He wants "business as usual." He is "business as usual."
Fuck this, and fuck all these people.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Woman Checked Out My Balls Yesterday
This is the third time (first in two or three years) that I had to go in for an ultrasound for my testicles. During my check-up in 2005 the physician wanted to make sure that this thing called a vericocele behind my left ball wasn't a symptom of something worse, so because I had a job then I didn't fight my PCP when I went in for an ultrasound.
It's weird to undergo a test you associate only with pregnant women. What I did was take off my pants, get on the recliner thingy and put a towel around my privates. The girl would then take the ultrasound gun, put some gel on it, make damn sure my penis was pointed away from my balls, and pressed it up against my sack. Sometimes I'd hear a deep thudding, like a heartbeat travelling through the water (if that makes any sense), but on the screen images of my testicles would pop up and be saved and categorized. (When I was stripping down I always took my glasses off and didn't put them on until I was done. I should have because I should see what in the heck it looks like and what they're looking for.
This time around at least the gel was warm. And in the interest of helping this woman out, I asked her if I needed to move my leg; she needed to get around my right leg to get at my junk, and maybe if I slipped it to the side of the bed or, you know, lifted it up, she could get at it better. I mean, if I'm going to have to do this ultrasound, I want to make sure it's done right one time. Besides, she was nice but not good-looking. I mean, if she got me hard ... OK, I'm kidding.
What they're looking for is calicification in my balls; that's an early warning sign for testicular cancer. The second ultrasound two or three years ago showed a signifcant increase in the amount of calcium deposited in my man parts, justifying my second ultrasound and should've prompted a third the following year. I'll actually say I dodged a bullet this time around; like my PCP told me in my check-up, "If there has been something, and it's been two years, you'd be in a world of hurt right now."
Let's hope there's nothing this time either. I'll know in about a week. Worst-case scenario: They have to remove my testicles. That sucks, but it's not like I'm using them now anyway.
It's weird to undergo a test you associate only with pregnant women. What I did was take off my pants, get on the recliner thingy and put a towel around my privates. The girl would then take the ultrasound gun, put some gel on it, make damn sure my penis was pointed away from my balls, and pressed it up against my sack. Sometimes I'd hear a deep thudding, like a heartbeat travelling through the water (if that makes any sense), but on the screen images of my testicles would pop up and be saved and categorized. (When I was stripping down I always took my glasses off and didn't put them on until I was done. I should have because I should see what in the heck it looks like and what they're looking for.
This time around at least the gel was warm. And in the interest of helping this woman out, I asked her if I needed to move my leg; she needed to get around my right leg to get at my junk, and maybe if I slipped it to the side of the bed or, you know, lifted it up, she could get at it better. I mean, if I'm going to have to do this ultrasound, I want to make sure it's done right one time. Besides, she was nice but not good-looking. I mean, if she got me hard ... OK, I'm kidding.
What they're looking for is calicification in my balls; that's an early warning sign for testicular cancer. The second ultrasound two or three years ago showed a signifcant increase in the amount of calcium deposited in my man parts, justifying my second ultrasound and should've prompted a third the following year. I'll actually say I dodged a bullet this time around; like my PCP told me in my check-up, "If there has been something, and it's been two years, you'd be in a world of hurt right now."
Let's hope there's nothing this time either. I'll know in about a week. Worst-case scenario: They have to remove my testicles. That sucks, but it's not like I'm using them now anyway.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Grandmother couldn't keep her food down. She's still coughing and hacking. Solids apparently aren't agreeing with her right now; the gruel she tried to pack down her throat she just reversed. Has been complaining of some dizziness too.
She's scheduled to see the doctor tomorrow, but I don't know if she's going to make it.
She's scheduled to see the doctor tomorrow, but I don't know if she's going to make it.
Monday, January 18, 2010
My ATF Turned On Me!!!
I'm stunned, angered and scared at what happened tonight.
So I go to my favorite strip club after the Vikings game. I go see the waitress, who's my all-time favorite even though she's no longer allowed to work there because she's fat but she does do house parties and she yanks my cock so lovingly; I've told you guys about her before. So she's in one of her downtrodden moods, even though I'm all, "Vikings won, yay!" But I get my drink from her and that's it. There are a couple of girls there that I'm regulars with, and I got dances from them. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but see that she flashed her big titties to a few of the bar's regulars. She's done that from time to time, sometimes with me, and I love that because I get to suckle her at the bar. I have never done that with anyone else.
I planned on leaving once I got my two dances, but my "chaser" was waving two bucks in front of my ATF waitress so she would flash me. So I hand over $2, but when I requested the polite company of her boobs, she said, "Fuck that!" She did it once before, and I forgot, and even though I was pissed off then, I guess it didn't really matter to me now. But I guess she remembered because she fuckin' snapped. Yeah, me and this other guy just started razzin' her about it. We complimented her on her tits, and then I demanded that if she wasn't going to show me the goods, she should give me my money back.
She was getting a drink, so her back was towards me, so what she was saying to me then I couldn't hear, but when I asked for my money back again, I swear, she looked possessed by the devil. She said, "Fuck you!" and for the first time ever with her, it wasn't a playful "fuck you" but a very serious one. And while she walking to her customer, she was scowling at me. Scowling!
OK, I thought, this wasn't good. I'll just have to take off. But when I look back she's openly complaining to the two people at the table. One of them was a customer, a really burly guy who could beat my ass (although any man could beat my ass, as could many women). On his lap is what seems to be his regular, a stripper that I despise. I gave her a couple dollars before onstage, and she sucks. She's terrible; she took my money, sits in front of me, shows her tits, then leaves. Like with this waitress, it takes me a second time to realize it's shame on me. But these two people seem really concerned with whatever my now-ex-ATF is saying to them. She seemed as upset as she was when telling me to fuck off. And the tell-tale sign she was talking about me: Stupid Sucky Bitch Stripper (oh, fuck it, her name's Rocky, and she's terrible) looks at me with astonishment. I can tell that she doesn't like me and will do anything she can to take me down. This is a bar where fights can occur. I didn't want any trouble, at least right then, so I quickly exited through the side door.
I am absolutely floored by how she acted toward me, and now I don't know if I can ever go back to that bar again. That bitch took my money for the second time without showing me the goods, what the fuck? And you dare cop an attitude like you think you can just take it? Fuck you! I gave you money for those handjobs you gave me!! I'm one of your best goddamn customers, and you treat me like this!!! What the hell's a matter with you?! What did I do to you??
I don't know what to do. I planned on going back there on Thursday after a meeting because I know she's working then, but now I don't know if I'll get thrown out, or barred from the bar, or worse. On second thought, maybe I should go there. Yeah, I'll go there and completely ignore her. Blow her off for what she did to me. And I certainly will never just give her fucking two dollars again.
It's all so sad. Maybe I'm stupid to believe that a stripper can be normal, but she seemed like a cool chick. And she understood what it meant for her to masturbate me. I'll tell you guys something -- whenever I think about sex, I usually have her in mind, all 200 pounds of her rolling fat and her big titties swinging up and down and to and fro, fucking me in the ass. But no. Have to find somebody else now that she disrespected me and took my money. I'm getting angrier the more I think about it.
For one last time, I jerked off to her this evening. This is our last goodbye. ...
So I go to my favorite strip club after the Vikings game. I go see the waitress, who's my all-time favorite even though she's no longer allowed to work there because she's fat but she does do house parties and she yanks my cock so lovingly; I've told you guys about her before. So she's in one of her downtrodden moods, even though I'm all, "Vikings won, yay!" But I get my drink from her and that's it. There are a couple of girls there that I'm regulars with, and I got dances from them. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but see that she flashed her big titties to a few of the bar's regulars. She's done that from time to time, sometimes with me, and I love that because I get to suckle her at the bar. I have never done that with anyone else.
I planned on leaving once I got my two dances, but my "chaser" was waving two bucks in front of my ATF waitress so she would flash me. So I hand over $2, but when I requested the polite company of her boobs, she said, "Fuck that!" She did it once before, and I forgot, and even though I was pissed off then, I guess it didn't really matter to me now. But I guess she remembered because she fuckin' snapped. Yeah, me and this other guy just started razzin' her about it. We complimented her on her tits, and then I demanded that if she wasn't going to show me the goods, she should give me my money back.
She was getting a drink, so her back was towards me, so what she was saying to me then I couldn't hear, but when I asked for my money back again, I swear, she looked possessed by the devil. She said, "Fuck you!" and for the first time ever with her, it wasn't a playful "fuck you" but a very serious one. And while she walking to her customer, she was scowling at me. Scowling!
OK, I thought, this wasn't good. I'll just have to take off. But when I look back she's openly complaining to the two people at the table. One of them was a customer, a really burly guy who could beat my ass (although any man could beat my ass, as could many women). On his lap is what seems to be his regular, a stripper that I despise. I gave her a couple dollars before onstage, and she sucks. She's terrible; she took my money, sits in front of me, shows her tits, then leaves. Like with this waitress, it takes me a second time to realize it's shame on me. But these two people seem really concerned with whatever my now-ex-ATF is saying to them. She seemed as upset as she was when telling me to fuck off. And the tell-tale sign she was talking about me: Stupid Sucky Bitch Stripper (oh, fuck it, her name's Rocky, and she's terrible) looks at me with astonishment. I can tell that she doesn't like me and will do anything she can to take me down. This is a bar where fights can occur. I didn't want any trouble, at least right then, so I quickly exited through the side door.
I am absolutely floored by how she acted toward me, and now I don't know if I can ever go back to that bar again. That bitch took my money for the second time without showing me the goods, what the fuck? And you dare cop an attitude like you think you can just take it? Fuck you! I gave you money for those handjobs you gave me!! I'm one of your best goddamn customers, and you treat me like this!!! What the hell's a matter with you?! What did I do to you??
I don't know what to do. I planned on going back there on Thursday after a meeting because I know she's working then, but now I don't know if I'll get thrown out, or barred from the bar, or worse. On second thought, maybe I should go there. Yeah, I'll go there and completely ignore her. Blow her off for what she did to me. And I certainly will never just give her fucking two dollars again.
It's all so sad. Maybe I'm stupid to believe that a stripper can be normal, but she seemed like a cool chick. And she understood what it meant for her to masturbate me. I'll tell you guys something -- whenever I think about sex, I usually have her in mind, all 200 pounds of her rolling fat and her big titties swinging up and down and to and fro, fucking me in the ass. But no. Have to find somebody else now that she disrespected me and took my money. I'm getting angrier the more I think about it.
For one last time, I jerked off to her this evening. This is our last goodbye. ...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Stripper Disappointments
I thought you told me you had a kid.
Sweetie, you're coming on way too strong. And please, don't act like you own me. Please.
Sweetie, you're coming on way too strong. And please, don't act like you own me. Please.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). This is the only team to go undefeated for the week, a 2-0 sweep of Harvard where they outscored the Best College In The World (Which Rejected Me) by a combined score of 8-3. At least they can beat up on the pointy-heads; a much tougher tasks starts tonight when they host North Dakota for a pair. They are playing WCHA teams from here to the, ahem, NCAA Tournament. By the way, earlier this week th College Hockey News came out with their All-Decade team, and three Gopher alums made it: Jordan Leopold, Ryan Potulny and Thomas Vanek. Wish they were back on the squad this year.
#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!). I put them below their Y-chromosome counterparts because, even though it's supposed to be an exhibition, and I'd be a lot more worried if they beat them, Team USA handily beat the Gophs Tuesday 8-5. Natalie Darwitz, Team USA Captain and former Gopher great (and Assistant Coach) had a power play goal, and Kelli Blankenship tallied a hat trick for the Gophs. It was tied at 4 aftet two before the big girls blew it open in the third period.
In games that do count, they destroyed Ohio St. at Ridder twice by a combined scored of 11-2. Of the 26 available assists, F Sarah Erickson had seven of them, and so it stands to reason that she was named WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week. This weekend takes them up to Bemidji for a pair against Bemidji St. Should be no trouble.
#-3: Wild (Last Week: -5). The team remains on the outskirts of the Western Conference Playoffs, but they are looking good. A tight 1-0 loss at St. Louis (courtesy of Minnesotan T.J. Oshie -- how could you?!) prevented the team from going 4-0 for the week, which would have been something. Guy Latendresse continues to be a revelation, and Mikko Koivu continues to kick ass. And congratulations to Niklas Backstrom for becoming the franchise's all-time leader in wins by a goalie in Wednesday's 5-2 victory over Vancouver at the X. They have three this week: at the Bastard Winnipeg Jets, at The Team That Was Stolen From Us, and home to Detroit.
#-4: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -2). Win at home, lose on the road. They had a huge chance to steal a Big Ten game at Illinois, but with nine seconds to go the Illini got a three-point play to take a two-point lead, and on the last possession, Brittany McCoy missed a three-ball and Kiara Buford fumbled the rebound. Speaking of rebounds, they did so Thursday but destroying Purdue by 27. But oh, they could've used that win at Illinois. One game this week: at Northwestern MLKJ Eve.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3). Win at home, lose on the road -- pretty soon we'll need to check if the basketball teams are actually the same team. They held serve at defeated Ohio St. at the Barn by 11; I caught part of the big second half where Blake Hoffarber was just dropping bombs on the Buckeyes. They then went to Michigan St. and, even though they were playing the seventh-ranked team in the country, they made a game of it, only to lose by 7. Dan Barriero of KFAN said the team had chances down the stretch, but they couldn't pull through because of one huge weakness that has plagued the squad all season: An awful facsimilie of a half-court offense. I'd also add that Lawrence Westbrook has to control his emotions more. The men's team also plays only one game this week -- and by goodness, it's also on Sunday on the road (Indiana)! These guys are just putting on ponytails and posing as the women's team, I swear!
#-6: Wrestling (Last Week: -4). The National Duals showed precisely where this team is at right now: Close to the top, but not at the top, where I expect them to be. In this fast-forward version of March Madness, the sixth-ranked Gophers routed #17 Missouri Saturday morning, then eviscerated Central Michigan, which was ranked fifth at the time, 25-9 Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately they slid in Sunday's Final Four, getting their asses kicked in by overall #1 Iowa in the morning, then repeating their 12-point output that afternoon in losing to third-ranked Ohio St. As a result they were moved up a spot in the NWCA Top 25 to fifth. They are off for the week.
#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6). Win at home, lose on the road -- just realized that was a theme for pro ball this week as well. Sadly for the Woofie Dogs, they play a lot more games each week, and since they were on the road three out of their four games, they lose three out of their four games. Their most competitive loss was that three-overtime epic at Houston, where they lost only by 7. (The other losses were by 14 and 11 points.) Corey Brewer, whom I now believe still has a shot at having a long career in the Association, threw up a prayer just behind the half-court line at the buzzer to send the game into the first OT. Also, Wayne Ellington had his best game of his one-year pro career, pouring in 17 on 7-of-12 shooting, including three threes. Also, it's good to see them beat (if only by 7) an Indiana team just as rudderless as the Wolves are. Three games on tap for the week: at the Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies Friday, their annual MLKJ afternoon game hosting Philadelphia, and vs. the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics Wednesday night.
#-8: Swarm (Re-Entry!). They began their season with a 12-7 (geez, the number "7" pops up a lot in this week's survey) loss at Calgary Sunday. That's all I know about last week's game. They drafted a man named Zack Greer, who is the NCAA's all-time leading goal-scorer and point-scorer for both Duke (before that pesky rape controversy) and Bryant. The Swarm, which picked him third overall, is trying something innvoative to get the team some more publicity, and potentially get their new Chosen One some money: They arranged a deal with Greer that gives him a cut of the tickets sold in a section dedicated to him (called Section 88, after his number). Nice plan, I just have two concerns: One, of course, is he has to be able to deliver. If he ain't the shit, it don't matter if you call it Section 69 and turn it into a swinger's section, no one's going to buy them. Two, if he's singled out for a profit-sharing deal with the team, won't that make the other players, none of whom are making even a livable wage playing in the NLL, jealous?
Their week-long home-and-home concludes tonight, when they play those Roughnecks again in the season home-opener. As soon as I'm done with this survey, I'm headed out to St. Paul to hopefully procure a ticket. God, I hope I don't have to pay more than ten bucks to get in tonight. ...
#-9: Vikings (Last Week: -1). They didn't play a game this week, but I still have to put them in the survey because I fear the worst. I hate that they draw the Dallas Cowboys at the Dome this Sunday. (To be fair, though, I would say the same exact thing if they had to face Arizona or even Green Bay. What I'm saying is, I just don't like that the Vikings have to play any playoff games because they can lose!!!) That pass rush looked fearsome, and Tony Romo-to-Miles Austin could be something that burns the Vikes' secondary all fuckin' day. Can Bryant McKinnie and Phil Loadholt stand up to the edge rushing? Can Jared Allen and Ray Edwards get to Romo at all? Will the defense be peppered by Jason Witten running down the middle of the field? And can Brett Favre pull something out of his ass?
There is a chance that the Cowboys are relaxing after winning their first playoff game in franchise history since '96. And even though Romo has looked good, a playoff game on the road (in the very loud Dome, in fact) could turn him into the indecisive little bitch we know from postseasons yore. And I think the Vikings need to run on this team; if Adrian Peterson can roll on Big D, it'll alleviate the pass rush and control the clock. But I'm a Vikings fan, so I'm predisposed to expect the worst. Therefore, I say the Vikes get upset Sunday, sad to say. And they'll be here again next week, with a #-Infinity.
#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!). I put them below their Y-chromosome counterparts because, even though it's supposed to be an exhibition, and I'd be a lot more worried if they beat them, Team USA handily beat the Gophs Tuesday 8-5. Natalie Darwitz, Team USA Captain and former Gopher great (and Assistant Coach) had a power play goal, and Kelli Blankenship tallied a hat trick for the Gophs. It was tied at 4 aftet two before the big girls blew it open in the third period.
In games that do count, they destroyed Ohio St. at Ridder twice by a combined scored of 11-2. Of the 26 available assists, F Sarah Erickson had seven of them, and so it stands to reason that she was named WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week. This weekend takes them up to Bemidji for a pair against Bemidji St. Should be no trouble.
#-3: Wild (Last Week: -5). The team remains on the outskirts of the Western Conference Playoffs, but they are looking good. A tight 1-0 loss at St. Louis (courtesy of Minnesotan T.J. Oshie -- how could you?!) prevented the team from going 4-0 for the week, which would have been something. Guy Latendresse continues to be a revelation, and Mikko Koivu continues to kick ass. And congratulations to Niklas Backstrom for becoming the franchise's all-time leader in wins by a goalie in Wednesday's 5-2 victory over Vancouver at the X. They have three this week: at the Bastard Winnipeg Jets, at The Team That Was Stolen From Us, and home to Detroit.
#-4: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -2). Win at home, lose on the road. They had a huge chance to steal a Big Ten game at Illinois, but with nine seconds to go the Illini got a three-point play to take a two-point lead, and on the last possession, Brittany McCoy missed a three-ball and Kiara Buford fumbled the rebound. Speaking of rebounds, they did so Thursday but destroying Purdue by 27. But oh, they could've used that win at Illinois. One game this week: at Northwestern MLKJ Eve.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3). Win at home, lose on the road -- pretty soon we'll need to check if the basketball teams are actually the same team. They held serve at defeated Ohio St. at the Barn by 11; I caught part of the big second half where Blake Hoffarber was just dropping bombs on the Buckeyes. They then went to Michigan St. and, even though they were playing the seventh-ranked team in the country, they made a game of it, only to lose by 7. Dan Barriero of KFAN said the team had chances down the stretch, but they couldn't pull through because of one huge weakness that has plagued the squad all season: An awful facsimilie of a half-court offense. I'd also add that Lawrence Westbrook has to control his emotions more. The men's team also plays only one game this week -- and by goodness, it's also on Sunday on the road (Indiana)! These guys are just putting on ponytails and posing as the women's team, I swear!
#-6: Wrestling (Last Week: -4). The National Duals showed precisely where this team is at right now: Close to the top, but not at the top, where I expect them to be. In this fast-forward version of March Madness, the sixth-ranked Gophers routed #17 Missouri Saturday morning, then eviscerated Central Michigan, which was ranked fifth at the time, 25-9 Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately they slid in Sunday's Final Four, getting their asses kicked in by overall #1 Iowa in the morning, then repeating their 12-point output that afternoon in losing to third-ranked Ohio St. As a result they were moved up a spot in the NWCA Top 25 to fifth. They are off for the week.
#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6). Win at home, lose on the road -- just realized that was a theme for pro ball this week as well. Sadly for the Woofie Dogs, they play a lot more games each week, and since they were on the road three out of their four games, they lose three out of their four games. Their most competitive loss was that three-overtime epic at Houston, where they lost only by 7. (The other losses were by 14 and 11 points.) Corey Brewer, whom I now believe still has a shot at having a long career in the Association, threw up a prayer just behind the half-court line at the buzzer to send the game into the first OT. Also, Wayne Ellington had his best game of his one-year pro career, pouring in 17 on 7-of-12 shooting, including three threes. Also, it's good to see them beat (if only by 7) an Indiana team just as rudderless as the Wolves are. Three games on tap for the week: at the Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies Friday, their annual MLKJ afternoon game hosting Philadelphia, and vs. the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics Wednesday night.
#-8: Swarm (Re-Entry!). They began their season with a 12-7 (geez, the number "7" pops up a lot in this week's survey) loss at Calgary Sunday. That's all I know about last week's game. They drafted a man named Zack Greer, who is the NCAA's all-time leading goal-scorer and point-scorer for both Duke (before that pesky rape controversy) and Bryant. The Swarm, which picked him third overall, is trying something innvoative to get the team some more publicity, and potentially get their new Chosen One some money: They arranged a deal with Greer that gives him a cut of the tickets sold in a section dedicated to him (called Section 88, after his number). Nice plan, I just have two concerns: One, of course, is he has to be able to deliver. If he ain't the shit, it don't matter if you call it Section 69 and turn it into a swinger's section, no one's going to buy them. Two, if he's singled out for a profit-sharing deal with the team, won't that make the other players, none of whom are making even a livable wage playing in the NLL, jealous?
Their week-long home-and-home concludes tonight, when they play those Roughnecks again in the season home-opener. As soon as I'm done with this survey, I'm headed out to St. Paul to hopefully procure a ticket. God, I hope I don't have to pay more than ten bucks to get in tonight. ...
#-9: Vikings (Last Week: -1). They didn't play a game this week, but I still have to put them in the survey because I fear the worst. I hate that they draw the Dallas Cowboys at the Dome this Sunday. (To be fair, though, I would say the same exact thing if they had to face Arizona or even Green Bay. What I'm saying is, I just don't like that the Vikings have to play any playoff games because they can lose!!!) That pass rush looked fearsome, and Tony Romo-to-Miles Austin could be something that burns the Vikes' secondary all fuckin' day. Can Bryant McKinnie and Phil Loadholt stand up to the edge rushing? Can Jared Allen and Ray Edwards get to Romo at all? Will the defense be peppered by Jason Witten running down the middle of the field? And can Brett Favre pull something out of his ass?
There is a chance that the Cowboys are relaxing after winning their first playoff game in franchise history since '96. And even though Romo has looked good, a playoff game on the road (in the very loud Dome, in fact) could turn him into the indecisive little bitch we know from postseasons yore. And I think the Vikings need to run on this team; if Adrian Peterson can roll on Big D, it'll alleviate the pass rush and control the clock. But I'm a Vikings fan, so I'm predisposed to expect the worst. Therefore, I say the Vikes get upset Sunday, sad to say. And they'll be here again next week, with a #-Infinity.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I don't know how the fuck it happened, but in the last ... well, since the New Year began My Father's desktop has been running extremely slow. Pages take minutes to load up, and then it either doesn't load or it times out. Sometimes it tells me the broadband is broken even though I look at the modem next to me and seems fine. Is it the power box where all the appliances downstairs (the modem, the phone, the heater, et al) are plugged in to? Or could it be that the fucking desktop's infected?
Pissing me off. ...
Pissing me off. ...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
SEC Fans Are Fucking Crazy, Yet This Is Understandable, And I Kind Of Like It
Read this article about Lane Kiffin becoming the new Head Coach of USC football even though he was at Tennessee for only one year, but I want to highlight these three paragraphs:
"Knoxville fire officials and university police were on campus after Kiffin's announcement as students burned mattresses and gathered around the athletic department building in hopes of blocking Kiffin from leaving campus. It was not clear if Kiffin was still on campus at the time.
"'I think the students have had kind of a violent reaction to that, and a lot of them are disheartened, upset and feel betrayed that less than a year in that he would be leaving and taking off,'" Knoxville Fire Department spokesman D.J. Corcoran said.
"'The Rock,' a giant boulder on campus where students often paint 'Happy Birthday' messages, had obscenities directed toward Kiffin. Students tried to enter the room where Kiffin read his statement, holding a sign that read 'Go home traitor. It's time,' mimicking a campaign the university used to promote Kiffin when he was hired. But the students were turned back before Kiffin talked."Gathering around the AD building to blockade Kiffin is kind of fucked up and useless. But since 'SC did pull kind of a dick move, this is totally justified. And so long as no one got hurt, hearing that there has been a riot on the University of Tennessee campus is awesome.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
These Avatards Need To Get A Life
Not as if I should be the one to talk, but geez, this is getting ridiculous.
A little background: I think James Cameron is an asshole. Hear he likes to abuse his employees. He can do that because he's a genius and geniuses get to do that. The closest I've ever met him was when I was in college freshman year. Friday afternoons at the film school there is a lecture/Q&A by a Hollywood figure. It's open to any student, but since it's in a pretty small room it's first come first serve. Some dormmates of mine invited me to this lecture because it was Cameron. I was tired but I thought, sure, why not. So we waited in line for an hour, maybe two. I actually laid down on the floor and passed out for, like 20 minutes while all of us were kept waiting. Finally, they started packing the room in and, of course, we were too far back in the line to get in. While all of us sheep were waiting for a glimpse of Cameron he came up with a bright smile on his face, about, um, two hours late. Either I saw him say, or I heard from someone else, that he was late because he was joyriding in the new Porsche he bought. Prick.
Titanic is the only grade-A movie I've ever seen that I hate myself for giving a perfect grade to. There is something incredibly infantile about the story, but seeing two young people falling fast in love just as this massive ship is about to sink is absolutely perfect for the story. (It helps when the leads are Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.) And the initial scene, where the excavation team explains how the Titanic ship broke apart after hitting the iceberg is a perfect expositional plant that pays off tragically and memorably when you see it in the powerful third act. Shit, Cameron's technological omnipotence gives Avatar a B all by itself. However, that is all it gets because this story, with its obvious parallels to the plight of the Native American and the nihilistic nature of "our" military force is just too weak to support the 3-D effects.
And yet that doesn't matter to some people. Like Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter, there are websites dedicated to fans of the movie. In fact, this article shows that some of them are thinking and feeling very deeply about it. Way too deeply, if this quote is any indication:
A little background: I think James Cameron is an asshole. Hear he likes to abuse his employees. He can do that because he's a genius and geniuses get to do that. The closest I've ever met him was when I was in college freshman year. Friday afternoons at the film school there is a lecture/Q&A by a Hollywood figure. It's open to any student, but since it's in a pretty small room it's first come first serve. Some dormmates of mine invited me to this lecture because it was Cameron. I was tired but I thought, sure, why not. So we waited in line for an hour, maybe two. I actually laid down on the floor and passed out for, like 20 minutes while all of us were kept waiting. Finally, they started packing the room in and, of course, we were too far back in the line to get in. While all of us sheep were waiting for a glimpse of Cameron he came up with a bright smile on his face, about, um, two hours late. Either I saw him say, or I heard from someone else, that he was late because he was joyriding in the new Porsche he bought. Prick.
Titanic is the only grade-A movie I've ever seen that I hate myself for giving a perfect grade to. There is something incredibly infantile about the story, but seeing two young people falling fast in love just as this massive ship is about to sink is absolutely perfect for the story. (It helps when the leads are Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.) And the initial scene, where the excavation team explains how the Titanic ship broke apart after hitting the iceberg is a perfect expositional plant that pays off tragically and memorably when you see it in the powerful third act. Shit, Cameron's technological omnipotence gives Avatar a B all by itself. However, that is all it gets because this story, with its obvious parallels to the plight of the Native American and the nihilistic nature of "our" military force is just too weak to support the 3-D effects.
And yet that doesn't matter to some people. Like Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter, there are websites dedicated to fans of the movie. In fact, this article shows that some of them are thinking and feeling very deeply about it. Way too deeply, if this quote is any indication:
"Ever since I went to see Avatar I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in Avatar."Seriously, dude, what the fuck? I hope to Buddha that your parents don't walk down to the basement and try to call you for supper, only to see that you've blown your head off. Picture the red of your blood perfectly complementing the blue paint you spackled all over your naked body before you ate your gun. And there'd be a suicide note you'd leave for them, Mike, but they wouldn't be able to read it because you wrote it in fucking Navi. They'd be so goddamn ashamed that they'd bury you in a pauper's grave, where that Home Tree would have no chance of transferring your soul into a lanky blue person, ha-ha.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Father, You Have Got Some Goddamn Nerve
First you bitch at me for cleaning the bathroom more last night. And then out of the blue during dinner you tell me I should start a diet this year. Fuck you, OK?
We are not moving -- or at least I'm not. So unless Grandmother starts shitting all over the floor, it's clean, despite what the voices in your head might tell you. And I know I need to go on a diet. I just don't like it when you tell me I need to go on a fucking diet. Kind of like the time you, you know, tell me I need to clean the bathroom more. Or, basically, do any other fucking thing you think needs to be done that doesn't. Which you seem to do every single fucking day.
Just for that, I'm going to be drinking not one but two sugary drinks tonight. Just because. And if you want me to go on a diet, I'll won't the dinner you cook. How's about that?
Asshole.
We are not moving -- or at least I'm not. So unless Grandmother starts shitting all over the floor, it's clean, despite what the voices in your head might tell you. And I know I need to go on a diet. I just don't like it when you tell me I need to go on a fucking diet. Kind of like the time you, you know, tell me I need to clean the bathroom more. Or, basically, do any other fucking thing you think needs to be done that doesn't. Which you seem to do every single fucking day.
Just for that, I'm going to be drinking not one but two sugary drinks tonight. Just because. And if you want me to go on a diet, I'll won't the dinner you cook. How's about that?
Asshole.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Douche-In-Waiting
I wanted to go to a coffeeshop because I needed to finish the postseason draft for this fantasy football league I'm in. My laptop had no juice in it, and all I wanted was a socket to plug it in. So I go this very crowded Borders around noon.
Their Seattle's Best coffeeshop was packed. However, there was this one guy right in front of me who had gotten up, stashed away his laptop, and picked it up. However, he left his jacket on the chair and a book on the table as he went around the corner into the bathroom. What does that mean? Did he just not want to deal with his jacket and book while he took a piss?
I didn't know what to do. This asshole didn't give me any sign that he was staying or going. But I needed a socket to plug in my laptop, and see one right there, right there next to the now-empty table except for some black jacket draped over a chair and a fuckin' book. Should I just take it? I didn't; instead I just stayed standing six feet away, paralyzed, like a douche-in-waiting.
He comes back. He takes the book. He has this douchey smile on his face as he makes his way to the checkout counter. He seems chummy with the guy at the counter as he buys a drink and maybe the book. He takes his sweet-ass time taking a stirrer and spooning the whip cream into his mouth at the condiment way station.
And then, right in front of me, without looking at me for even a second, he comes back to "his" table and unpacks his laptop. Well fuck you in the ass, asshole, don't you see people are waiting for that socket? You mean, cruel motherfuck. Making me wait like that, goddamn you. Goddamn you!!!
Meanwhile there was one table that's been open all this time. The girl there got up the same time as this fucker, except that she actually left. But there was no socket there ... oh wait, there is. Right around the corner. Sheesh. Glad no one else got to the table or else I really would've lost my mind.
Peered at this asshole my whole time there. Still had that shit-eating grin on his face.
Their Seattle's Best coffeeshop was packed. However, there was this one guy right in front of me who had gotten up, stashed away his laptop, and picked it up. However, he left his jacket on the chair and a book on the table as he went around the corner into the bathroom. What does that mean? Did he just not want to deal with his jacket and book while he took a piss?
I didn't know what to do. This asshole didn't give me any sign that he was staying or going. But I needed a socket to plug in my laptop, and see one right there, right there next to the now-empty table except for some black jacket draped over a chair and a fuckin' book. Should I just take it? I didn't; instead I just stayed standing six feet away, paralyzed, like a douche-in-waiting.
He comes back. He takes the book. He has this douchey smile on his face as he makes his way to the checkout counter. He seems chummy with the guy at the counter as he buys a drink and maybe the book. He takes his sweet-ass time taking a stirrer and spooning the whip cream into his mouth at the condiment way station.
And then, right in front of me, without looking at me for even a second, he comes back to "his" table and unpacks his laptop. Well fuck you in the ass, asshole, don't you see people are waiting for that socket? You mean, cruel motherfuck. Making me wait like that, goddamn you. Goddamn you!!!
Meanwhile there was one table that's been open all this time. The girl there got up the same time as this fucker, except that she actually left. But there was no socket there ... oh wait, there is. Right around the corner. Sheesh. Glad no one else got to the table or else I really would've lost my mind.
Peered at this asshole my whole time there. Still had that shit-eating grin on his face.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Either it's the season or I really am taking My Father's edict to heart, but I have turned in earlier than usual just about half the nights the past fortnight. Usually after a long night out (with no rest in the evening), I feel like crashing around 1, 2 or 3, and then I do, and I wake up at a respectable hour, like 10, 9 ... or even 8:30, like I did this morning. Scary weird ... and yet I feel quite satisfied at the six hours of sleep I got. And this despite the fact that I'm fucking late on a lot of writing I have to do.
Is My Father right? Oh, I hope to God it's no. ...
Is My Father right? Oh, I hope to God it's no. ...
Friday, January 8, 2010
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Vikings (Last Week: -6). Well, after all the Strum und Drang about how they could slip all the way to the four-seed and have to host a dangerous Dallas or Green Bay team, they wound up back where we thought they would be: at #2 in the NFC playoff seeding and receiving a first-round bye. They were playing the Giants, a team that had nothing to play for, and they showed it. Still, I'm pleased that the team turned them out, 44-7. It was running up the score, but it was important to demonstrate to themselves that they can dominate if they want to, something that fans haven't seen in weeks.
So they finished their end-of-season gauntlet at 2-3, losing all their road games. At least the only road game they could have is against New Orleans, which plays in a dome and is playing horribly as of late. But one gets the feeling that they could be a one-and-done team. The NFC is wide open, and their opponent, Dallas, Arizona or Green Bay, are playing as well or better than the Vikings right now. Also, who knows if having a week off is a good thing or a bad thing for a team that hasn't been firing on all cylinders as of late?
Oh well; those are worries for next week. What could derail the team's good humor this week besides some off-the-field arrest, like the coach's son getting popped for a DUI? Oh wait . ...
So they finished their end-of-season gauntlet at 2-3, losing all their road games. At least the only road game they could have is against New Orleans, which plays in a dome and is playing horribly as of late. But one gets the feeling that they could be a one-and-done team. The NFC is wide open, and their opponent, Dallas, Arizona or Green Bay, are playing as well or better than the Vikings right now. Also, who knows if having a week off is a good thing or a bad thing for a team that hasn't been firing on all cylinders as of late?
Oh well; those are worries for next week. What could derail the team's good humor this week besides some off-the-field arrest, like the coach's son getting popped for a DUI? Oh wait . ...
#-2: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). The Gopher ladies went 2-0 this week -- both at home, both after trailing at halftime. The defense at least is doing its part to bring the team back into games (even though if they're even in the same ballpark talent-wise as the Final Four team they would be blowing the likes of Iowa and Northwestern out of the water). But what will happen on the road against Illinois Sunday afternoon? At least they get another shot against Purdue at the Barn Thursday. (How come they're playing the Boilermakers twice in a span of 16 days?)
#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -1). Well, leaving the cocoon of Williams exposed the team as they lost at fourth-ranked Purdue by 19 on Tuesday. However, I do like that they went on the road and beat Iowa by eight New Year's Post. Note: the lowest number of points they've scored when winning this year is 75; the highest number of points they've scored when losing this year is 65. That's a pretty big spread. This week: vs. Ohio St. Saturday, at Michigan St. Wednesday (good luck).
#-4: Wrestling (Last Week: -5). They had a chance to upset second-ranked Iowa St Sunday. With three matches to go the Gophs held a tight one-point lead on the Cyclones, but they won two of the last three and squeaked by for a 19-16 win. At least they didn't slip from their #6 ranking in the NWCA Poll. They are now in National Duals, which is essentially an in-season 16-team wrestling version of March Madness. Look at the bracket -- awesome, isn't it? They face Missouri, which is #17 in the NWCA. However, they're seeded fifth and might face fourth-seeded Central Michigan Saturday afternoon. They might be putting in only a half-day's work in Cedar Falls, Iowa.
#-5: Wild (Last Week: -2). They're skidding again, losing three of four the past eight days, two of three at home. And the losses were big; the closest was two goals, New Year's Post, against the New Jersey Devils and the team's former coach, Jacques Lemaire. Fortunately, they broke their four-game losing streak Wednesday with a 4-1 ass-kicking of Calgary at the X, ending the Flames' winning streak at five games. Saw most of the game on TV; Mikko Koivu kicks ass, and Eric Belanger can play. They just have to keep their mental focus. They have three in a row at home, but it's a tough trio -- Chicago, Pittsburgh (although they haven't been playing well lately), and Vancouver -- before finishing the week at St. Louis.
#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). They are winless for the decade, losing by 12, 11, and 6 points. This could be a time (middle of a long regular season, when contenders shift down a couple years because they're just plain bored) to prove to themselves and to the league that they have talent. Well, they're not starting out 2010 on the right foot; any momentum they had seems to be gone. Four for the week: home to Indiana tonight (very winnable) before going to Chicago, Denver and Houston.
#-7: Gopher football (Re-Entry!). Not like anybody gives a shit, but they lost in the Insight Bowl to Iowa St. (damn you Cyclones, why do you lord it over us Gophers in all athletics?!) New Year's Eve by a point. MarQueis Gray was driving the team down the field but muffed a snap. The Cyclones recovered, and that was it.
So the team ends up at 6-7, another mediocre finish. Tim Brewster's schitck has finally worn thin. He kicked Running Back Kevin Whaley off the team for getting into a fight after the game. And he was given a contract extension even though he openly sassed his boss, Athletic Director Joel Maturi. Put aside the fact that the Pollyannas thought bringing the team back on-campus would bring in more elite recruits. The saga of TCF Bank Stadium has already chewed up one coach, and if Brewster somehow doesn't get his act together next year (and I think he only gets one more year), it'll chew up a second.
So the team ends up at 6-7, another mediocre finish. Tim Brewster's schitck has finally worn thin. He kicked Running Back Kevin Whaley off the team for getting into a fight after the game. And he was given a contract extension even though he openly sassed his boss, Athletic Director Joel Maturi. Put aside the fact that the Pollyannas thought bringing the team back on-campus would bring in more elite recruits. The saga of TCF Bank Stadium has already chewed up one coach, and if Brewster somehow doesn't get his act together next year (and I think he only gets one more year), it'll chew up a second.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Threatened By Collection Agency
Maybe they come for all of us at some point.
Got woken up at a bit after 11 by the phone. Grandmother answered it and, coincidentally, it was for me. I answered yes when he asked for me. He seemed nice, but when he said that this call was being monitored, all my fatigue evacuated through my pores. This is something serious.
The guy was calling for a collection agency, and he said I owed a thousand bucks on a loan for an '04 Ford. I told him he's got the wrong guy. He gives me a birthdate of this guy he's looking for -- "No," I said, "my birthday is ..." -- d'oh! I just remembered that guys are trying to scam people by making them give out their personal information!! Shit!!!
I played coy the rest of the way. Somehow he thought that I sounded "too old" for the guy he was looking for, who apparently was born in '79. And then he said the last name which didn't sound like my last name. It wasn't me, I told him. He started to verbally retreat, and he was actually starting to be nice to me. I asked him for his name and number. He gave it to me. In the back of my mind I thought he was bullshitting me, but whatever, I thought I had won. I made him say I wasn't the guy he was looking for; when he did, he said that that was it, and he hung up.
No. It can't be it. I know it can't be it because I know these asshole collection agencies. They keep calling, start to harass, then go on to threats, all in an attempt to break you and make you pay up. I know they're going to fuck up and call me again. Those pricks think I'm the guy who owes them money and they will not stop calling me.
So I had to take the offensive. I call the number the guy gave me; if it didn't work, these guys aren't collection agents but some scammers that are about to charge the fuck out of my credit cards. Instead, I get this lady. I tell her I wanted to make sure this number checked out. I caught her in the middle of something because she wasn't responding to my questions quickly enough and it sounded like she was harassing other people on other calls. All I wanted to do was make sure these people never called me again about some bogus loan in a name that sounds close to mine but wasn't.
Then this woman said my last name. That's when I became alarmed. "How did you know my last name?" I demanded to know.
She may have gotten really busy at that point, but then she started jabbering some gibberish about social security numbers and "Why did you say this was you?" when it wasn't (if I had the right presence of mine I would've shot back, "I heard you wrong. What, you never heard someone wrong ever? Bitch."), then said, get this, "Why are you wasting our time?" Wasting your time?! You call the wrong guy and scare the shit out of me that the big bad collection agency is going to come after me for money I don't owe, and I call to make sure you're not going to be using my credit card to pay for cars and trips to Jamaica, AND I'M WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME?!?!?! Fuck off and die, bitch!
Blah-blah-blah no-litigation state, and then she said goodbye. Oh, I am so pissed at this collector cunt. This might be her telling me to buzz off so she can continue working, but I do not deserve this shit from somebody whose company holds so much power that they can fuck with my credit even when they get the wrong guy. I'm filing a complaint with my state Attorney General. I need somebody to know what is happening, especially if they call again.
Oh yeah, and I need to publicize these people. I was called by a company called Tiburon Financial, based in Omaha, Neb. The nasty bitch was ... man, I want to say her name was "Keshia," but I could totally be wrong. She sounded black, though. The number I was given was (888) 339-6750, and although these guys are rude, the company is legitimate. Won't stop me from filing a complaint, or at least calling the appropriate parties to ask what could be done about this.
Fuck, they'd better not call me again. Fuck! I called them on my cellphone!! They have my cell number now!!! GODDAMMIT!!!! Oh my fucking God, I have to get ready for war against these motherfuckers!!!!!
Got woken up at a bit after 11 by the phone. Grandmother answered it and, coincidentally, it was for me. I answered yes when he asked for me. He seemed nice, but when he said that this call was being monitored, all my fatigue evacuated through my pores. This is something serious.
The guy was calling for a collection agency, and he said I owed a thousand bucks on a loan for an '04 Ford. I told him he's got the wrong guy. He gives me a birthdate of this guy he's looking for -- "No," I said, "my birthday is ..." -- d'oh! I just remembered that guys are trying to scam people by making them give out their personal information!! Shit!!!
I played coy the rest of the way. Somehow he thought that I sounded "too old" for the guy he was looking for, who apparently was born in '79. And then he said the last name which didn't sound like my last name. It wasn't me, I told him. He started to verbally retreat, and he was actually starting to be nice to me. I asked him for his name and number. He gave it to me. In the back of my mind I thought he was bullshitting me, but whatever, I thought I had won. I made him say I wasn't the guy he was looking for; when he did, he said that that was it, and he hung up.
No. It can't be it. I know it can't be it because I know these asshole collection agencies. They keep calling, start to harass, then go on to threats, all in an attempt to break you and make you pay up. I know they're going to fuck up and call me again. Those pricks think I'm the guy who owes them money and they will not stop calling me.
So I had to take the offensive. I call the number the guy gave me; if it didn't work, these guys aren't collection agents but some scammers that are about to charge the fuck out of my credit cards. Instead, I get this lady. I tell her I wanted to make sure this number checked out. I caught her in the middle of something because she wasn't responding to my questions quickly enough and it sounded like she was harassing other people on other calls. All I wanted to do was make sure these people never called me again about some bogus loan in a name that sounds close to mine but wasn't.
Then this woman said my last name. That's when I became alarmed. "How did you know my last name?" I demanded to know.
She may have gotten really busy at that point, but then she started jabbering some gibberish about social security numbers and "Why did you say this was you?" when it wasn't (if I had the right presence of mine I would've shot back, "I heard you wrong. What, you never heard someone wrong ever? Bitch."), then said, get this, "Why are you wasting our time?" Wasting your time?! You call the wrong guy and scare the shit out of me that the big bad collection agency is going to come after me for money I don't owe, and I call to make sure you're not going to be using my credit card to pay for cars and trips to Jamaica, AND I'M WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME?!?!?! Fuck off and die, bitch!
Blah-blah-blah no-litigation state, and then she said goodbye. Oh, I am so pissed at this collector cunt. This might be her telling me to buzz off so she can continue working, but I do not deserve this shit from somebody whose company holds so much power that they can fuck with my credit even when they get the wrong guy. I'm filing a complaint with my state Attorney General. I need somebody to know what is happening, especially if they call again.
Oh yeah, and I need to publicize these people. I was called by a company called Tiburon Financial, based in Omaha, Neb. The nasty bitch was ... man, I want to say her name was "Keshia," but I could totally be wrong. She sounded black, though. The number I was given was (888) 339-6750, and although these guys are rude, the company is legitimate. Won't stop me from filing a complaint, or at least calling the appropriate parties to ask what could be done about this.
Fuck, they'd better not call me again. Fuck! I called them on my cellphone!! They have my cell number now!!! GODDAMMIT!!!! Oh my fucking God, I have to get ready for war against these motherfuckers!!!!!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Triple Study Pre-Screening Rejection
I am now in full bore trying to participate in as many trial studies as possible. It's the only job I can find these days. It's also the only ones that I'm really OK with. Going to an office 40 hours a week? Ugh.
But I've stumbled upon a rough stretch lately. I've been on the phone three times with people representing studies. When they've asked me questions, I've said the wrong thing and was summarily rejected:
But I've stumbled upon a rough stretch lately. I've been on the phone three times with people representing studies. When they've asked me questions, I've said the wrong thing and was summarily rejected:
- First time was with someone whom I talked to before for this study, actually. It's as if she didn't recognize me from before. How heartless. And when I said that I took allergy medicine, I got the kibosh. Just for allergy medicine? And didn't I tell you this already? This was going to pay sweet money, but I had to drink this protein shake. I probably wasn't going to be able to hide it from my parents, whom I know would ask something like, "What the fuck is this?" and we'd get into an argument. Actually, there was a requirement that I wake up in the morning to drink the shake. I actually qualified the first time I spoke to this woman but balked because of that. But I convinced myself I'd adjust my sleep schedule, or lie, to take part. Too bad I didn't qualify the second time after qualifying the first time. Whatever the fuck that means.
- Second time I was driving and had to literally find the closest parking lot (my local post office) to talk to her. I had things to do that day. She seemed nice, chatted me up, blah-blah-blah. But then she asked me if I did any other studies at the U. My guess was that studies at the U. talk to each other, so I came clean. And after asking me a couple light questions -- "How's it going? Do you like it?" -- she abruptly told me I didn't qualify. Screw you, lady. Man, I should've lied and said I wasn't in any other studies. The U.'s a huge bureaucracy, she wouldn't find out. Dammit, I should've lied.
- And the last time was a couple days ago when I was having coffee in the morning. The pre-screening questions got real personal, unlike the others, so when they asked me if I had a certain disease I had to hope the men's room was unoccupied. It was, but my voice echoed in it, so somebody might've heard that I had ... uh, the disease she asked me about. I knew that she was going to cut me, but again, what if I get caught lying? She was the nicest of the three, though.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
So, Father, after telling me that you're going to be home because you have not one but two doctor's appointments Wednesday, you tell me yesterday that they're actually on Tuesday (in other words, today). So I change my art ticket to Wednesday so you can use the car Tuesday. But, you then tell me after coming home yesterday that you decided just to take your car to the appointments today, so I can use my own car today. But it's too fucking late, isn't it, because now I'm rescheduled to go to the exhibition Wednesday (in other words, tomorrow).
I have all this fucking time now, and even though it's -80 million, it's safe to drive to MIA if I so choose -- which I did. But now I go tomorrow, and it's quite a different story: 1 or 2 inches of snow. I could've gone to the art show today and stayed home tomorrow where I'd be safe. But fuck it, right?
Oh, who am I kidding, I'd probably just drive somewhere today and tomorrow...
I have all this fucking time now, and even though it's -80 million, it's safe to drive to MIA if I so choose -- which I did. But now I go tomorrow, and it's quite a different story: 1 or 2 inches of snow. I could've gone to the art show today and stayed home tomorrow where I'd be safe. But fuck it, right?
Oh, who am I kidding, I'd probably just drive somewhere today and tomorrow...
Monday, January 4, 2010
Another Bullshit Thing I Hate About My Father
Sometimes he will say something good-natured towards me, then ask for something from me. It's both a way of softening me up and a quick test to see how my attitude is.
The bullshit way he did it tonight was when I just finished climbing up the stairs. Just got back home from a long day at work. "So," he starts nonchalantly, even though everything he says is either a calculation or a whiny screed, "the Vikings won, huh?"
I barely got off a "Yeah, big ..." when he launches into what he really wants to say: "Son?"
Now I know what's coming. "Yeah?!" I barked.
Then My Fucking Father yells at me about Grandmother bringing food into her room and attracting mice. When I walked in he was giving his soul an orgasm by cleaning the kitchen cabinets. I'm guessing he either saw a mouse when preparing dinner tonight or had thought he did in the past and only decided now to act the martyr, wash everything in the kitchen and then tell me about it. He threatened to throw Grandmother in a nursing home. That'll be the day.
The thing is, he's right about the rats; there are some. Heard them scratching in the cabinets a couple times. They needed a thorough cleaning, I just wasn't going to do it. Mother said I need to wash the utensils before putting them out for dinner. Gosh, do I have to? Maybe I do -- although we haven't gotten sick from rat droppings so far.
My Fucking Father wasn't coming down on me; he needed to convey some information to my Grandmother because he thinks she's doing it, but he thinks only I can talk to her. And he's right. Still, I don't like the sneaky, manipulative way he went about doing it. Typical MO of a father who has failed. And I really wasn't liking being piled on after hearing about some he-bitch at work be a pussy over the cold. Who do you think you are, my boss? Asshole.
The bullshit way he did it tonight was when I just finished climbing up the stairs. Just got back home from a long day at work. "So," he starts nonchalantly, even though everything he says is either a calculation or a whiny screed, "the Vikings won, huh?"
I barely got off a "Yeah, big ..." when he launches into what he really wants to say: "Son?"
Now I know what's coming. "Yeah?!" I barked.
Then My Fucking Father yells at me about Grandmother bringing food into her room and attracting mice. When I walked in he was giving his soul an orgasm by cleaning the kitchen cabinets. I'm guessing he either saw a mouse when preparing dinner tonight or had thought he did in the past and only decided now to act the martyr, wash everything in the kitchen and then tell me about it. He threatened to throw Grandmother in a nursing home. That'll be the day.
The thing is, he's right about the rats; there are some. Heard them scratching in the cabinets a couple times. They needed a thorough cleaning, I just wasn't going to do it. Mother said I need to wash the utensils before putting them out for dinner. Gosh, do I have to? Maybe I do -- although we haven't gotten sick from rat droppings so far.
My Fucking Father wasn't coming down on me; he needed to convey some information to my Grandmother because he thinks she's doing it, but he thinks only I can talk to her. And he's right. Still, I don't like the sneaky, manipulative way he went about doing it. Typical MO of a father who has failed. And I really wasn't liking being piled on after hearing about some he-bitch at work be a pussy over the cold. Who do you think you are, my boss? Asshole.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
RIP, Ralph Marlin And Godfather's Pizza
Unless I'm wrong, the economy has claimed two more victims.
I was driving the other day and I saw a torn-off and shatter sign where the sign for Godfather's Pizza used to be. They apparently closed. I may have eaten there about 20 years ago, and one time about a decade ago I walked in to try and eat a lunch buffet only to walk back out because I was afraid to be seen eating at a buffet all by myself.
The one that kind of bothers me, but one I anticipated for some time, is the Ralph Marlin store at the Mall Of America. When I was working and wearing ties because I wanted to, I would buy all of my ties at Ralph Marlin, known for putting identifiable pop culture things on them. I particularly was partial to their art collection; I have Marlin ties of Homer's "American Gothic," Van Gogh's "Starry Night," and Munch's "The Scream."
But I haven't had to wear those ties for a long time now. A lot of people don't now that business suits are relegated to some very high-office positions. I sensed the end about a year ago, when I bought three ties for $15. Haven't worn them yet. I last peered in the store just before Christmas. They have a lot of nice, though loud, ties, and they tried to branch out to pajamas, but I guess it wasn't enough.
I went to the Megamall earlier this week. Went by Ralph Marlin and saw black paper over the translucent doors and windows. Sorry, dude.
I was driving the other day and I saw a torn-off and shatter sign where the sign for Godfather's Pizza used to be. They apparently closed. I may have eaten there about 20 years ago, and one time about a decade ago I walked in to try and eat a lunch buffet only to walk back out because I was afraid to be seen eating at a buffet all by myself.
The one that kind of bothers me, but one I anticipated for some time, is the Ralph Marlin store at the Mall Of America. When I was working and wearing ties because I wanted to, I would buy all of my ties at Ralph Marlin, known for putting identifiable pop culture things on them. I particularly was partial to their art collection; I have Marlin ties of Homer's "American Gothic," Van Gogh's "Starry Night," and Munch's "The Scream."
But I haven't had to wear those ties for a long time now. A lot of people don't now that business suits are relegated to some very high-office positions. I sensed the end about a year ago, when I bought three ties for $15. Haven't worn them yet. I last peered in the store just before Christmas. They have a lot of nice, though loud, ties, and they tried to branch out to pajamas, but I guess it wasn't enough.
I went to the Megamall earlier this week. Went by Ralph Marlin and saw black paper over the translucent doors and windows. Sorry, dude.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
One Day And My Year's Already Fucked
So it started with me turning in early last night because I needed to wake up at 9 this morning because I was afraid my parents were going to spend the holiday sleeping in and I didn't want to deal with them staying in the house with me all fucking day. I managed to get lucid quickly, but not before I heard them leave for work. Phew!
However, I did want some coffee for breakfast, and I toted my laptop with me. But before I went out the door and into temps that got as high as 0 -- think about it; there was a total absence of degree outside today ... that has got to have some meaning -- I saw the new calendar my parents brought home. It's very Chinese, so I thought, hey, I might as well plan ahead and find out when Chinese New Year is. It falls on February 14 this year, exactly on Valentine's Day. You want to know what else it falls on? The trip to St. Louis I booked Christmas Day. So I decided to change my ticket on Southwest to two weeks later. I wanted to catch a couple Blues games before they broke for the Olympics, but now I'm going while they're still on their sabbatical. My Plan B weekend was the first weekend in March; there's the Missouri Valley Conference men's basketball tournament then, and I thought that would be something I could do if I couldn't do anything else. But the prices crept up beyond their sale prices for their nonstop flights; I could get the same price ticket if I stopped over in Chicago. With weather potentially fucking everything up, and with stopping over in Chicago always like playing russian roulette with getting anywhere on time, I decided not to do it. I love the Loo, but now I'm going on a dead weekend. What the fuck am I going to do?
Another question that arises from this, one I don't have time to dissect now: How could an Asian man make plans without first asking himself when's Chinese New Year?
---
I wanted to go to the museum today. (Better to avoid all those meaningless bowl games on TV.) Unfortunately, the exhibition I wanted to see, a special loaner collection from the Lourve, was sold out. I was told I had to reserve a spot before it left next Sunday. Reserve a ticket for an art show? Really??? Never heard of that before. Well, when the "Bodies" exhibit was in the cities for the first time several years ago they went 24/7 and I got a ticket for 5 a.m. But I never thought I'd have to buy a ticket in advance for paintings. Whatever, there are other paintings out there, so I spent a couple hours at MIA being cultured anyway. A productive way to start 2010, no?
---
Through the cold I drove around downtown because I thought about taking advantage of the free parking meters and diving into the downtown Hooters for a quick beer. But the sun at 3 in the afternoon hangs real low this time of year, and it was like I was driving directly into the fucking sun. Plus, I realized that the only sporting event on TV was the, ugh, Rose Bowl. I decided to go to the mall close by my house because I didn't want to go home too early. Would otherwise confront my parents, who definitely would be home early, and I didn't feel like getting into an argument over cleaning.
I wanted to eat something that counteracted the oogy feeling I had in my stomach after drinking a mocha and cookie this morning. Hadn't had Orange Julius in a long time, so I decided to stand in line, something I had never done before at an OJ. Pretty soon I realized things were pretty fucked up. I was fourth in line, but we lined up in two separate lines. Only one cash register was working: the one I wasn't lined up in front of. And the two employees there, both short Asian kids, looked absolutely flummoxed. The one helping the people two people in front of me was pouring popcorn into this huge tin they bought (this OJ is connected with KarmelKorn). Then for some fucking reason the mom and daughter in front of me asked not only for popcorn but mini-donuts. They sell mini-donuts here? That obviously backed me up enough for a group of younguns that happened to line up in front of the working register to basically cut in front of me and order before me. I swear, in a social situation like this, people should know that everbody is queueing up in one line; first in line, next to get served. This is something I know I will have to address later in the year, because it'll raise its ugly fucking head once again.
Anyway, I get my small piña colada smoothie. I start walking around, eventually going to LensCrafters to check on prices for new lenses. But then I catch something in my straw. I'm sucking, hard. Nothing comes out. I'm just sucking up the straw up into my mouth, not drinking anything. So I disengage suction, swirl the straw around, and do it again -- Standard Operating Procedure. But the straw clogs again. And again. And again. And again. I've never had so much trouble drinking an Orange Julius ever. What the fuck?!
I had to sit down, open up my cup, and start examining what the hell was happening. I look into my cup of OJ as I start sucking and immediately catch something that's too big to suck through the straw. So I lift up the straw and see it's a huge chunk of ice. I have to use the straw as a chopstick now so I bat it up to my mouth to eat it. Maybe that's the problem ... no, I suck and it does it again. Another large chunk of ice, again. So I have to gather it up into my mouth and chew it.
This happens for the next 20 goddamn minutes. Virtually the entire cup has these floating ice-chunk mines ready to ruin my OJ experience. I wasn't drinking this; I was digging and picking through it like I was panning for gold. And all I got were these icy nuggets. And the fucking drink wasn't even fucking good, either! Once I realized what I had to go through I had half a mind to go marching through the mall and rip these girls a new asshole for fucking up my drink. But the only thing they probably could give me was another drink, and I wasn't hungry for that. Besides, I might have had to wait in line. So I just negotiated my way through The Worst, Most Labor-Intensive Orange Julius Smoothie In My Life. And once I was done, it was about five minutes to five -- closing time this New Year's Day at the mall.
I had to pass by the OJ again on my way to my car. There was a line.
I'm so pissed that I looked up the Orange Julius website. Did you know they're now owned by Dairy Queen? Sent them a complaint e-mail. Will it work?
---
And by the way: Father, I was just trying to be proactive when asking for tuition money. I know I can sometimes be a pain, and I probably was asking in a way that made you subconsciously gird yourself for what I was about to ask because it's a decent bet it'd be something that would annoy you. But this is a new year in the western calendar, and I was hoping that you wouldn't be reacting like a child. Sadly, when I thought it was a good time to ask for money during dinner when everyone seemed to be in a good mood, that's exactly what you did. You got off on the wrong foot for 2010.
Thanks for the money, though.
However, I did want some coffee for breakfast, and I toted my laptop with me. But before I went out the door and into temps that got as high as 0 -- think about it; there was a total absence of degree outside today ... that has got to have some meaning -- I saw the new calendar my parents brought home. It's very Chinese, so I thought, hey, I might as well plan ahead and find out when Chinese New Year is. It falls on February 14 this year, exactly on Valentine's Day. You want to know what else it falls on? The trip to St. Louis I booked Christmas Day. So I decided to change my ticket on Southwest to two weeks later. I wanted to catch a couple Blues games before they broke for the Olympics, but now I'm going while they're still on their sabbatical. My Plan B weekend was the first weekend in March; there's the Missouri Valley Conference men's basketball tournament then, and I thought that would be something I could do if I couldn't do anything else. But the prices crept up beyond their sale prices for their nonstop flights; I could get the same price ticket if I stopped over in Chicago. With weather potentially fucking everything up, and with stopping over in Chicago always like playing russian roulette with getting anywhere on time, I decided not to do it. I love the Loo, but now I'm going on a dead weekend. What the fuck am I going to do?
Another question that arises from this, one I don't have time to dissect now: How could an Asian man make plans without first asking himself when's Chinese New Year?
---
I wanted to go to the museum today. (Better to avoid all those meaningless bowl games on TV.) Unfortunately, the exhibition I wanted to see, a special loaner collection from the Lourve, was sold out. I was told I had to reserve a spot before it left next Sunday. Reserve a ticket for an art show? Really??? Never heard of that before. Well, when the "Bodies" exhibit was in the cities for the first time several years ago they went 24/7 and I got a ticket for 5 a.m. But I never thought I'd have to buy a ticket in advance for paintings. Whatever, there are other paintings out there, so I spent a couple hours at MIA being cultured anyway. A productive way to start 2010, no?
---
Through the cold I drove around downtown because I thought about taking advantage of the free parking meters and diving into the downtown Hooters for a quick beer. But the sun at 3 in the afternoon hangs real low this time of year, and it was like I was driving directly into the fucking sun. Plus, I realized that the only sporting event on TV was the, ugh, Rose Bowl. I decided to go to the mall close by my house because I didn't want to go home too early. Would otherwise confront my parents, who definitely would be home early, and I didn't feel like getting into an argument over cleaning.
I wanted to eat something that counteracted the oogy feeling I had in my stomach after drinking a mocha and cookie this morning. Hadn't had Orange Julius in a long time, so I decided to stand in line, something I had never done before at an OJ. Pretty soon I realized things were pretty fucked up. I was fourth in line, but we lined up in two separate lines. Only one cash register was working: the one I wasn't lined up in front of. And the two employees there, both short Asian kids, looked absolutely flummoxed. The one helping the people two people in front of me was pouring popcorn into this huge tin they bought (this OJ is connected with KarmelKorn). Then for some fucking reason the mom and daughter in front of me asked not only for popcorn but mini-donuts. They sell mini-donuts here? That obviously backed me up enough for a group of younguns that happened to line up in front of the working register to basically cut in front of me and order before me. I swear, in a social situation like this, people should know that everbody is queueing up in one line; first in line, next to get served. This is something I know I will have to address later in the year, because it'll raise its ugly fucking head once again.
Anyway, I get my small piña colada smoothie. I start walking around, eventually going to LensCrafters to check on prices for new lenses. But then I catch something in my straw. I'm sucking, hard. Nothing comes out. I'm just sucking up the straw up into my mouth, not drinking anything. So I disengage suction, swirl the straw around, and do it again -- Standard Operating Procedure. But the straw clogs again. And again. And again. And again. I've never had so much trouble drinking an Orange Julius ever. What the fuck?!
I had to sit down, open up my cup, and start examining what the hell was happening. I look into my cup of OJ as I start sucking and immediately catch something that's too big to suck through the straw. So I lift up the straw and see it's a huge chunk of ice. I have to use the straw as a chopstick now so I bat it up to my mouth to eat it. Maybe that's the problem ... no, I suck and it does it again. Another large chunk of ice, again. So I have to gather it up into my mouth and chew it.
This happens for the next 20 goddamn minutes. Virtually the entire cup has these floating ice-chunk mines ready to ruin my OJ experience. I wasn't drinking this; I was digging and picking through it like I was panning for gold. And all I got were these icy nuggets. And the fucking drink wasn't even fucking good, either! Once I realized what I had to go through I had half a mind to go marching through the mall and rip these girls a new asshole for fucking up my drink. But the only thing they probably could give me was another drink, and I wasn't hungry for that. Besides, I might have had to wait in line. So I just negotiated my way through The Worst, Most Labor-Intensive Orange Julius Smoothie In My Life. And once I was done, it was about five minutes to five -- closing time this New Year's Day at the mall.
I had to pass by the OJ again on my way to my car. There was a line.
I'm so pissed that I looked up the Orange Julius website. Did you know they're now owned by Dairy Queen? Sent them a complaint e-mail. Will it work?
---
And by the way: Father, I was just trying to be proactive when asking for tuition money. I know I can sometimes be a pain, and I probably was asking in a way that made you subconsciously gird yourself for what I was about to ask because it's a decent bet it'd be something that would annoy you. But this is a new year in the western calendar, and I was hoping that you wouldn't be reacting like a child. Sadly, when I thought it was a good time to ask for money during dinner when everyone seemed to be in a good mood, that's exactly what you did. You got off on the wrong foot for 2010.
Thanks for the money, though.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year! And It's My Blog's One-Year Anniversary!!
Can you believe it's been a year since I started this blog? Well, no one's reading this ... can I believe it's been a year since I started this blog? No!
There are three big reasons why I'm glad I started and have maintained this blog: 1) it has helped me work on my writing; 2) it's allowed me to vent my frustrations, fears, and weird thoughts and urges; and 3) I believe that my almost-daily adding to this has given me a sense of responsibility and thus pride about sticking to something.
In many ways it's been a shitty year. I still haven't found a full-time job that I like, and worst of all, I haven't found any direction. But there have been many good things about 2009, and this blog is definitely one of them.
I will go back to being pessimistic, but for right now at least, I can be happy.
Happy New Year, everyone.
There are three big reasons why I'm glad I started and have maintained this blog: 1) it has helped me work on my writing; 2) it's allowed me to vent my frustrations, fears, and weird thoughts and urges; and 3) I believe that my almost-daily adding to this has given me a sense of responsibility and thus pride about sticking to something.
In many ways it's been a shitty year. I still haven't found a full-time job that I like, and worst of all, I haven't found any direction. But there have been many good things about 2009, and this blog is definitely one of them.
I will go back to being pessimistic, but for right now at least, I can be happy.
Happy New Year, everyone.
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