The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Swarm (Last Week: -4).  Just realized that if I continue this practice of giving teams that win playoff games spots in the survey above -1, they will suffer precipitous falls once they get eliminated.

Well, so be it.  It's always a surprise whenever a Minnesota team is successful in the postseason.  Even more so for the Swarm, who won only their second-ever playoff game Sunday afternoon.  They did it against odds as insurmountable as they would be in this season's National League Playoffs: On the road against Toronto, the best team in the league.  And they didn't just paper the Rock, they destroyed them by a score of 20-11.  They outscored Toronto all four quarters but put the game away in the second, outscoring the Rock 5-1.  Five guys scored hat tricks, led by the prolific Ryan Benesch, who added six assists with the three goals he scored.

In short, the Swarm probably turned in the best game of the season; it's great that they did it in the playoffs.  Onward and upward -- and still on the road, since not only do they have the worst record of the eight teams that started the postseason, but since five teams from the Western Conference made it while only three from the East did, Minnesota will have to travel eastward in order to win the Champion's Cup.  The Eastern Conference Final is Saturday afternoon in Rochester against the Knighthawks.

#0: Wild (Last Week: -3).  They didn't necessarily finish with a flourish.  With Detroit leapfrogging the Mild in the Western Conference playoff standings and Columbus breathing down their necks (finishing the year 19-5-5), they turned in a really shitty performance in getting dicksmacked by a team that had nothing to play for, Edmonton, 6-1 Friday at home.  But on Tuesday they fought to a 2-1 win over defending champion Los Angeles at the X (a game where Dustin Brown hit Jason Pominville with an elbow that doesn't seem as dirty as other people say; it's not as if Brown was looking up and aiming his elbow at Pominville), then on Saturday they showed enough grit in outlasting Colorado in Colorado 3-1.  They and the Blue Jackets end the season tied in points, but the Wild win the tie-breaker, which is more wins.

Their prize for finishing grabbing the West's 8th seed?  An opening-round Stanley Cup Playoff series against the Chicago Blackhawks, the President's Cup winner and the team that started off the season winning, like, 21 games in a row.  Do the Wild have a chance?  Sure they do.  It is hockey, after all, where you can truly throw the records out the window.  Remember the Kings last year; they won the Stanley Cup as the West's 8th seed, the same place the Wild are this year.

But really, do they have a shot?  Uh ... no.  And honestly, I don't care.  Yes, I'm one of those people who still thinks that any season that falls short of winning the championship is a failed one, and therefore if Minnesota doesn't hoist Lord Stanley's Cup, it will, technically, be a failure.  But my expectations for this team this year was to reach the playoffs, and although they were leaking a shit-ton of oil, they made it.  (Aside: And you can largely credit them making the postseason to their double-major acquisitions last off-season, Zach Parise and Ryan Suter.  Without the scoring of the former and the yeoman's ice time of the latter, there's no telling where the hell this team, this franchise, would be.)  They remain a very young team, so any experience, any ass-kicking they receive, should be lessons for Jason Zucker and Charlie Coyle and Jonas Brodin and Mikael Granlund and all the young Wild players that will be participating in this series.  It's OK to be swept this year; just work hard so you can actually win games and series next year.  And hell, if you win a game or two, even better.  And if you win three or even -- gulp -- four?  Fuck, that's just gravy.

Series starts today (Tuesday).  Game 2 is Friday, which is the day we're asked to wear our favorite sports jerseys to work.  I think I will break out my North Stars jersey for that.

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  A 5-3 midweek win over North Dakota St. at Siebert, followed by taking 2-of-3 in Iowa, and the one game they dropped, the Friday one, they lost 10-9 in ten innings (although the Goofs blew a 9-4 lead and allowed the Hawkeyes to score the game's last six runs).

Going into the last month of regular season play, it's good to look at the team's NCAA Tournament prospects.  In the latest "College Stock Report," Baseball America writer Aaron Fitt's version of college basketball's Bracketology, which went out last Tuesday, he considers the Gophers a "Bubble Out" team.  Despite them being 9-3 in the Big Ten and 26-14 overall (granted this does not include the team's 3-1 screening week), they have an RPI too low to even be considered.  Now, if they keep winning conference series that definitely could change.  But Fitt seems to think their best chances of making it to the postseason is to win the Big Ten Conference Tournament ... which will be played Memorial Weekend at Target Field.  Plus, Fitt thinks the starting rotation, if healthy, could stand toe-to-toe with the rest of the conference if it goes down to a double-elimination scenario.

But first they must continue to win.  Wednesday they host St. Thomas before embarking on their final road series of the year this weekend at Penn St.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -1).  A 2-4 week which technically began with the second half of the Tuesday doubleheader, an 8-5 loss to Miami.  They then dropped the first two games of their four-game series with Texas before winning Saturday and Sunday to finish their homestand at 3-3, which was blown up to be more than it actually was by many pro-Twinks pundits around town.  With Monday's 4-3 loss in Detroit, a game where Mike Pelfrey held a 3-1 lead but gave up a three-run dong to Prince Fielder in the sixth for the decisive blow -- they now sit at 8-8.  That is a hell of a lot better than last year, but they're not winning the World Series, either.

The scary thing now is Joe Mauer's hitting slump, which currently sits at 0-for-20 after his 0-for-4 failing Monday in the Motor City.  This is the first time in his professional career Mauer has gone five straight games without a hit.  That should be worrisome.  On the bright side is Kevin Correia, the closest team this squad has to an ace.  He hasn't been lights-out, but he's been steady enough to already garner three wins.  This makes up for putative ace Vance Worley, who has been more down than up.

After finishing up against the Tigers, they have Thursday off before continuing their longest (one of their longest?) road trips of the year by playing a trio against Cleveland.  They immediately travel to Boston to play the Red Sox starting on Monday.

#-3: Gopher soccer (Re-Entry!).  This happened more than a week ago, so this really should have been in last week's WMNSS, but sue me.  Sophomore Striker Taylor Uhl, who scored 21 of the Goofs' 44 goals last season in which they probably were one penalty-kick loss away from reaching the NCAA Tournament, has decided to leave the program.  There's no telling where she's going, although a person on this women's soccer message board thinks the top destinations are Marquette, Portland and Stanford.

Scuttlebutt on this same board believe Uhl's last straw was when she was told, possibly by Head Coach Stefanie Golan, that she couldn't practice this spring because of "fitness reasons."  There has to be more to it than this.  Whatever the case, Golan, a coach known for her defense, will now have to replace what really was her whole offense last year.  At times Uhl was fantastic, a woman among girls.  Who the hell is going to score now?

When Did The Last Snow Melt Away At Your Place?

I wanted to write about this last year, but I forgot the date.  However I am at most two days late for the last day that snow was on the grounds of our house.

What I remember was that when Father roped me into digging part of the backyard to make room for a vegetable garden early Saturday afternoon, I saw him dig up snow in another part of the backyard.  I remember seeing some at the front of the house, but unfortunately I don't remember when it all disappeared. So Saturday afternoon was the last time I saw snow around the house.  And since the temperature reached the seventies that day, I will assume -- assume -- that ice-out happened Saturday.

Then again, there are snow showers forecast this week.  Fucking great.

They're Going On Vacation!!!

They told me this evening that they're leaving for Vegas next week for ten days!!!  That's not long enough, but a little time away from each other would be so nice.  I won't be able to do anything because I will be working; to take full advantage of this I would not be working and instead bagging my Entertainment Weeklys, jerking off all over the place and possibly inviting my ATF over for sumpin'-sumpin'.  But at least I can sleep my in sister's beautiful bed again.

I Was Looking Forward To Saturday Night

Last Saturday or Sunday, one of All-Time Favorites, ********a, told me on facebook that she was throwing a party.  She had told me she planned on doing it earlier this year when she was imprisoned at home, but now she finally is doing it sans ankle monitor.

I finally have money because of work, and so I was really looking forward to it because, well, you know, I haven't taken out my pee-pee in a long while.  I've never done it to *******a, and I didn't know if she would freak out or get pissed off, but I think we have a good vibe, so I thought I'd try it.

Last night I wanted to make sure the party was still on, so I went back on fb to make sure, and she said yes.  "Good, I can go there and hang out with my wang out," I said, subliminally trying to feel her out and make sure she wouldn't get all bent out of shape.

"Sorry, but you have to keep your Wang in your pants," *******a said.

WHA-WHA-WHAT?!?!?!?! I thought, and said on the chat.  That disappointed me.  But then I saw that she wasn't replying.  Uh-oh, and so I apologized real quick to *******a to make sure she wasn't angry.  She saw it but didn't reply to it.

Fuck me.  Well, I'll still go, and I'll keep it holstered.  OK, I'll try and keep it holstered.  Ask for permission, too, maybe.  But shit, I'm now thinking about how to do damage control while wondering how good of a party this is going to be.

Give Props To The Pimp!

So this gang member, Tavon White, goes into this Baltimore jail for attempted murder.  Now, I don't know much about penal hierarchy, but attempted murder isn't as ruthless as, say, actual murder.  I can't believe a guy who's in jail only for attempted murder could pull something like this off.

Anyway, White's been in there the past four years.  And he just got busted for basically being the kingpin of this jail.  Again, he got in this place for attempted murder, which to me isn't the baddest shit you can do to attain the position of kingpin.  But he did, and so he was able to smuggle in pot, Vicodin and money and make tens of thousands of dollars a month while in jail.  And he's been doing this for only four years now.  I can't believe a guy only in his fourth year in jail could pull something like this off.

But the best thing to me is how he had control of the guards, who are supposed to have control of the prisoners and this jail.  Now only did they look away, not only were some of them in on this smuggling ring, but four of the female guards fucked this guy.  Fucked him!  Four of them!!  To the point where all four are now carrying his babies!!!  Have you seen this guy?  This piece of shit fucked four prison guards?!?!?!

It gets better than that.  Two of the guards actually have his name tattooed on their bodies.  One has "Tavon" on her neck, the other on her wrist -- both parts of the body usually shown in public.  Now remember, these are prison guards, and they have subjugated themselves to the point where they have branded themselves, willingly, not just as White's girlfriends (because these guards had to have known White fucked the other, as well as two other guards) but as his fucking property.  There is a clear power dynamic ascribed by civilization, and these "women" masochistically upended that power dynamic and became Tavon White's love slaves because of ... money?  Jewelry?  Cars?  Just so they can say they got fucked by a powerful man?

By the way, have you seen this guy?  This shitty-looking dude fucked four prison guards and cast a spell so powerful two of them tattooed his name on their bodies?  This guy?!?!?!

I should be sickened by these women's submissiveness.  But you know what?  I have to give it up for this guy!  A gang member jailed only for attempted murder who looks like Isaac of The Love Boat in his twenties goes into a prison and promptly runs it, and masters the people who should be the masters of him.  Tavon White's a badass pimp, can't lie.

Moreover, the thought of prison guards fucking prisoners kind of gets me hot.  I've seen plenty of prison-prison guard sex scenes, but to hear an extreme case of it happen in real life gets my mind racing.  Shit, where did the fucking occur?  Were the guards wearing skirts?  Was White wearing a jumpsuit and nothing else?  Did they use handcuffs?  Did they fuck through the bars?  I just can't shake the idea of guards who should be in control willing be out of control, to the point they brand themselves like they're cattle.

I didn't plan on jerking off tonight, but after seeing this story I am now going to find some prison-prison guard sex scenes and knock one off, thank you.

Hooters Got Tits, But They Ain't Got Sports

Hanging out at the Buffalo Wild Wings at the Megamall right now.  Would much prefer to go up to Hooters and get served by hot babes with big cleavage, but they have music blaring when I want to catch the NFL Draft.

I thought they were a sports restaurant.  They used to pipe in the audio, but starting, I think, last year with either the NBA Draft or the Euro 2012 semifinal between Spain and Portugal, they have outright refused to turn the fucking music down.

It's starting to piss me off.  I used to go to Hooters for sports and tits, but they go hand-in-hand.  If I can't listen to sports, sorry, I'll just fucking have to take the sports audio somewhere else.  I don't want to, but Hooters (or at least this particular Hooters) leaves me no goddamn choice.

Bad Driver: 3AD814

This is the license plate of the guy of a huge truck or SUV who failed to come to a complete stop behind me while I was waiting to get onto 47 after going to Wal-Mart to buy and install a new windshield wiper.

I had a millisecond of dread looking in my rearview mirror when I saw this guy, a middle-aged white guy, look down as he creeped his car towards me, then creeped up again.  He's getting kind of close, isn't he? I thought to myself, and then I heard an audible BOOM! as me and the car jerked forward.

My fight-or-flight response kicked.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  The very least I had to do was convey my sense of outrage, my what-the-fuck-ness, by jumping out of my car to see what damage he did to my rear bumper.  He did the same.  What I saw in my very brief survey of my car was a small chunk of paint off of the right side of my rear bumper, several inches to the right of another chunk of paint that was gone after I backed into something else a long time ago.  Other than that, nothing.  It was a relatively soft tap, and it wasn't like my bumper was caved in or my taillights were totally shattered.

"No harm, no foul, and I have to get home," I said in a huff towards the guy after he apologized.  I didn't want so much to get home as to get away from the situation.  But should I have stayed?  Should I have made a bigger deal of this than the ten seconds I was out of my car?  Should I have ripped the guy a new asshole? I don't know what I could have done, like shake him down for money for running into me.  But as soon as I drove away from the guy I had the nagging feeling I was being a pussy, that when faced with true confrontation I choose to shirk away as quickly as possible instead of standing up for myself.  And that still bothers me.

Having said that, I do look at my bumper from time to time and it is as damaged as it was before the hit.  Ever since it happened I can't tell where the damage is, although when I looked closer I could see a few small circular scratches and indentations where that truck/SUV kissed my bumper.  And to prove to you how relatively inconsequential the rear-ending was, I don't know for sure which day last week it happened, Monday or Tuesday.

Guess what I'm saying is if it were as important as I fear it should be, I would have done something about it by now.

My Parents Have Finally Moved Downstairs ... Well, To The Downstairs Bathroom

Maybe it's because My Father was being a dick, maybe it's because the contractor (whom I haven't seen in a while) finally got done with it, but Saturday I saw that my parents' hygiene stuff -- toothbrush, toothpaste, hair dryer -- were gone from the upstairs (read: my) bathroom.  Guess that means that the remodel is finally, finally complete.  And I won't have to worry about them invading my space again ... even though, technically, it is their house.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -5).  And this is the week where weather rears its ugly head.  Unlike basketball or hockey, which obviously are played indoors and are thus not subject to weather-related postponements, or football, which not only ignores but, at its best, revels in inclement weather, if it's raining or cold in baseball, they just have to shut the whole goddamn thing down.

For the purposes of the WMNSS I'm torn.  I can't project a win or a loss with the postponements, but the cynic in me says that there has to be an effect somehow -- negative or positive.  I can't punish a team for rainouts (or in this week's cases, snowouts ... FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT WAS SNOWING THIS MORNING!!!  ON APRIL 23!!!  THIS GODDAMN WINTER'S NEVER GOING TO END!!!!!!!!!!), but I really can't reward them either.  Can I?

This week with both local baseball teams was a conundrum like this taken to the infinite power.  They had to delay games not once, not twice, but three times this week.  I don't know if this club has had three rainouts since they moved to Target Field.  That's Minnesota weather for ya -- it blows.

So why are they on top?  Well, the overriding factor were the performances of the other teams in the survey.  But look at what the Twinks did when they were actually able to play.  They went undefeated this screening week, 4-0 while having four days off, including three in a row.  I don't know what specifically is the cause for this sudden surge to above .500 beyond the fact that Joe Mauer has shaken off his hitting slump to begin the season and is hitting like the future Hall-of-Famer always has.  The pitching is solid enough.  I don't know, they're just ... winning.

Right now they're making up the game against Miami that was postponed last night because the snow (SNOW, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!) was coming in.  They could pull off a doubleheader, series and season sweep (even if they are only playing two games against the Marlins).  After having Wednesday off, they host the Texas Rangers for the weekend before starting a series in Detroit Monday.

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  The Goofs also missed out on three games this week ... but they were all against the same team.  The weekend series against Michigan St. at Siebert Field was completely cancelled.  I noticed in particular the rolling cancellations through the weekend.  They announced Friday's delay early Friday (I think) because we were socked with half a foot of snow that morning.  I wanted to watch Saturday's game, but even though the snow had stopped falling and was in fact melting that day, the school announced they were cancelling Saturday's game early Saturday morning.  And then some time that afternoon they just called the whole thing off.  They were expecting rain on Sunday, which probably influenced them into allowing the Spartans to go back home early without needing to even play a game.  But I for one think that they could have squeezed in a double-header if they really wanted to.  Then again, who knows, maybe Siebert Field doesn't have an underground warming that softens the entire field like Tarzhay does.

It is the first time the U. has lost an entire Big Ten series since weather and field conditions forced them to lose out on an entire series at Michigan six years ago.  So, the only thing I can base this ranking on ... is their 4-1 defeat of local, non-Division I school Augsburg.  That really shouldn't count, but it is a win, and therefore they too went undefeated this week.  Right?

Tomorrow they host North Dakota St.  It will be above 40, but there is a chance of showers in the afternoon, so they could cancel a fourth straight game.  Let's at least hope they get their series in Iowa in this weekend.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Jim Souhan of Minneapolis' Star Tribune had a column after Sunday's disconsolate 4-1 home loss to The Bastard Atlanta Flames criticizing (I think) fans at the Xcel Energy Center for not being enthusiastic.  I say the Mild need to give the fans a reason to be enthusiastic.

As it stood when the sun rose today, the Wild are tied for seventh place in the Western Conference standings, only two (?) points ahead of Detroit, which is in ninth.  Better to be 7th than 9th.  But after this week's 1-2 record, I don't blame Mild fans for sitting on their hands and waiting for the worst.  We are not a fatalistic lot; we are a realistic one.  And if you've followed the Vikings all these years, or gone through the lost nineties with the Twins, or sleepwalked through the Timberwolves post-KG, or missed professional hockey after the North Stars were stolen from us, or watched the Gopher basketball program go through academic and legal scandals for the past four decades, or tried to watch the Gopher football team resurrect itself from complete irrelevance since the fifties, that realism is deserved.  Why stick your neck out when you know the other shoe's about to drop?  So that doesn't make us passionate like the fans in Boston or New York.  Who gives a rat's ass?  We're smarter than them.

Nevertheless they can sew up a spot with wins tonight at home vs. Los Angeles, Friday at home against Edmonton, or Saturday in Colorado against the West-worst Avalanche.  The last two games are against teams eliminated from the playoffs, so the chances are there.  Plus, last time I checked Minnesota was leading.  The crowd will definitely get rowdy if the team finally fucking shakes its offensive doldrums and wins some damn games.

#-4: Swarm (Last Week: -1).  I thought about going to the Smarm's regular season finale against Colorado Saturday night.  But then I thought about all the gas I would have to expend to get to St. Paul ... then I would have to find a scalper for a ticket ... then I would have to endure the methhead DJ changing songs every five seconds ... and then I would probably see the team lose because that's what I've seen them do most of the time I've gone to their games.  Along with My Father going off on me for dinner that day, I decided to see things negatively, and went all the way down to the Megamall instead (before going to My Favorite Stripclub [Non-Cover Division] for the first time in more than a month).

Good thing too.  In front of their largest crowd of the year, the Smarm rewarded them with a 16-14 loss.  The Mammoth won a playoff spot with the win while the Swarm already sewed one up, but the fact that Colorado broke a 9-all tie by winning the fourth quarter 7-5 obviously doesn't show "grittiness" to me.

Well, at least eight of the nine teams in the National Lacrosse League gets to go to the postseason.  But since there are five teams in the Western Conference in the playoffs but only three in the East, the last playoff berth -- Minnesota -- has to migrate eastward and face the top team in the Eastern Conference, and the top team in NLL, Toronto, Sunday afternoon.  Will the Smarm crash and burn as a one-and-done again?

#-Infinity: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4).  They did finish the regular season with a 108-95 win at San Antonio, a team that probably rested their players for the postseason but are old and sputtering into the postseason.  That means the Woofie Dogs finished with a 31-51 record -- not as much as the 35 I thought was realistic, but at least it's much better than the 20+ wins they were rubbing up against the past few years.

But unfortunately, even with the season-long injury problems this team went through, this team underachieved.  I think making the playoffs was folly after Kevin Love started the season on the injured list, but according to Owner Glen Taylor and General Manager David Kahn, this was a disappointment.  So, they should blow things up -- starting with Kahn.  Personally, I would give these guys another year, but should I expect the same when they themselves said the same wouldn't be good enough?

There is as much angst and anxiety over this club as there was last year.  They have nothing solid besides Ricky Rubio.  Nikola Pekovic is a restricted free agent.  Besides Brandon Roy, who (sadly) probably has to retire for good, the rest of this (mostly white) roster could stay or go.  And what about Head Coach Rick Adelman?  He could be the best thing this organization has, even better than Rubio.  But he might not stick around if his wife continues to suffer from the seizures that forced him to take a leave of absence.  The loss of Adelman would be worse than the virtual lost season from Love.  Who knows?

By the way, not for nothing, but the last time I saw my uncle I spent the time at his besides watching the Wolves play Utah.  Just wanted to say that.

Addendum To: Addendum To: My Fucking Father And His Goddamn "Lessons"

It didn't stop for dinner tonight.  I thought I heard him say something from the back deck, but I was riveted by 60 Minutes so I didn't know for sure.  Suddenly, he yells out, "EAT!" to which I reply just as shrilly, "Alright!"  My Fucking Mother tried to enable him again, telling me that if I heard him I need to answer him.  But I really didn't, and that fucking baby needs to speak up.  And we still aren't speaking to each other.

The next big blowup might come Tuesday morning.  We're getting snow, fucking again.  One to three inches possible, according to the weathermen, but enough to get on our cars.  Should I heed My Fucking Father's wishes and clear out the car for him before I leave that morning?  Should I ignore it and make him do it his own goddamn self?  Or should I do a half-ass job like I did Friday?  Decisions, decisions. ...

Addendum To: My Fucking Father And His Goddamn "Lessons"

And I just lost it tonight.  First shoveling, and tonight, of all the fucking things, fish bones.  Fucking fish bones.

We had fried fish for dinner tonight.  Both of my parents told me to watch out for bones.  I cut into my filet while watching out for bones, like they said.  And then GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!! My Fucking Father gives me his old wince like he's embarrassed and starts in with that goddamn condescending tone I've heard all my life, "Agghhh, son. ..."

That's when I lost it, although I didn't scream or throw anything, although I should have.  I kind of just shut down when that asshole started in on me like that.  I put my head down, looking up only when My Fucking Father was trying to stare me down, and ate.  I fucking hate being treated like I'm some infant.

My Fucking Father -- and My Fucking Mother, for that matter -- sensed me not caring anymore, and the tone in the dining room changed, as it should have.  After I finished up and went to the bathroom, I could overhear My Fucking Father twist what he said to me yesterday morning when I was shoveling and he was lecturing.  What a prissy dick.

Try and throw me out.  You'd better goddamn kill me, asshole.

My Fucking Father And His Goddamn "Lessons"

Seeing him rocking in that rocking chair while listening to classical music I should have known something was off with him.  Guess it took another goddamn spring snowstorm for him to unleash his bad side, fucking again.

Apparently we got 6.4 inches of snow yesterday.  Half a foot!!!  On April 19!!!  Even though I had no work to go to (they didn't know that), I cashed in on my free Tax Day/Week free HydroMassage coupon that I scheduled for 11.  And since my parents would bitch at me for not helping, I woke up at 9:30 to start shoveling.  Goddamn, it was a lot, and unfortunately the street plow came through overnight, so the edge of the driveway had the highest pile of snow, and since it went through the melt-and-freeze cycle because it was out on the street, it's also the hardest to shovel.

I started off down there, alternately picking up a heavy, wet, dirty pile of snow and picking up huge boulders of snow melted together and tossing them like cabers to the side.  I had the most energy starting off, so I might as well tackle the big stuff first.

My Fucking Father, who sauntered out late into my half-hour of shoveling, didn't seem to know or care about that.  After I got the end yard of snow off my driveway, stretching my muscles to the point where, hey, a HydroMassage seemed like a great idea, I warned him that I was going to start my car.  My parents always insist on me starting my car on cold days even though it does nothing to help my car and only wastes gasoline.  Also, even though I did not have to go right that second, best to avoid My Fucking Father when shoveling.

But leave it to him to impart his good ol' "life lessons."  As I did what he told me to do and use the Chinese broom instead of the snowscraper inside my car to get the mound of snow off of my car, he looked down at the snow he was about to shovel and said, in Chinese, "Shovel for a little bit, then shovel a little bit, then shovel."  Or something like that.  I don't know what the fuck that means.  But what was aggravating was that he thought, after 37 fucking winters, I needed a refresher course on how to shovel.  He wasn't there while I was I picking up those fucking heavy boulders of snow that froze together.  If that asshole was telling me I needed to push the snow off to the side -- something he told me back when I was fucking ten years old, something I would do if the snow wasn't so goddamn heavy -- I should have let him deal with the dirty snow at the end of the driveway.  Let's see him push instead of shovel; he would break the shovel first ... unless he got a heart attack first.

What really pissed me off, however, was when I actually had to leave for the massage parlor.  After I fetched my bag and the bottle of water I wanted to bring with me, My Fucking Father stopped me.  And -- my fucking God, I don't think I'm being defensive -- he said to me, "One thing, son: Whenever you see another car covered in snow, you need to take the snow off of that as well."

OH, YOU FUCKING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PIECE OF SHIT!!!  YOU HAVE NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SAID THAT TO ME BEFORE EVER!!!  THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SOMETHING YOU CARED ABOUT TILL NOW!!!  WHY?  BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE AN ASSHOLE!!!  AND TO DO IT JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE "FOR WORK!!!"  YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL THAT IF YOU WANTED ME TO CLEAR YOUR CAR (SO YOU COULD GO, UH, NOWHERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING RETIRED NOW!!!) YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME WHEN I STARTED MY CAR.  TO TELL ME AT THIS FUCKING POINT SHOWS HOW PETTY OF A BASTARD YOU ARE!!!

He said, "Next time, next time," but I know what that asshole meant.  I went back inside and threw my stuff down so I could clean out that baby's minivan.  Or, what I could; you see, it's a minivan, and even though I got most of the snow on the hood and the sides off, I didn't have a chair so I could get the snow that landed on top.  Maybe My Fucking Father would do a better job at it, especially since he has time to do it.  Oh well; as I finally got into my car and left, I saw him glance at the minivan only half-cleaned and I could see him grimace as he went back to shoveling.  If he's going to be passive-aggressive with me, I'm going to be passive-aggressive with him.  I'll give him the satisfaction of manipulating me into doing something he didn't really want me to do that moment, in that, "oh no, you really shouldn't" tone of voice, but after I lull him into thinking he made me do what I wanted, I do a shitty job at it.  That look of disapproval told me he wasn't happy, and therefore that made me happy.

And as a kicker I came back at 6 even though I easily could have come back at 5.  Because fuck him.

My New Favorite Porn Site

Have I told you guys about Vintage Erotica Forum?  It's porn in message board form, and it's great if you are, like the title of the website says, into retro pornography.  And if there's a long-ago loved magazine issue or porn flick you remember, there's a chance that it's here.

I say this because right now I'm on it, for the first time in just about two weeks.  The treasure trove of stuff, both old and new, makes me want to crank one out even though I did it already once this evening, about five hours ago.  But I hadn't jerked off in, like, two weeks till tonight, so I think I'm ready to pud out another one.  Excuse me. ...

Went downstairs to grab a Sierra Mist this evening.  My parents don't want me drinking pop, but then they buy it for me.  Who else is going to drink it?

Before I went downstairs I heard classical music coming from downstairs.  Oh, my parents are getting culture.  When I was downstairs and going to the fridge down there, the music was getting louder.  Realized the stereo downstairs was on.

But I recognized too late who was listening to it.  In the darkness, slowly, my eyes made out the spectral outline of My Father, haltingly rocking on the rocking chair to the local classical station.  He looked like, rocking excepted, he couldn't move in that chair.

Two things:

1. I remember seeing my Grandmother -- my real Grandmother, My Father's mother -- rocking back and forth in that same rocking chair when I was young.  She used to sleep in what used to be my sister's bedroom (which is now the pantry), and while I was running around the house I caught her in that chair and looking out of the window pensively.  And before she could catch me I looked for a few nanoseconds, wondering what she could be so worried about.
2. He's talked about it a couple times, but I don't really know that My Father is a classical music fan.  The only indication that he likes it was through the way he tried to cram playing the piano down me and my sister's throats.

How Am I Going To Fake Going To Work?

This week is our training week at the other testing site I work at.  But, like last year, it only lasts half the week; the other half, the other half of the room we'll be working in comes in.  They split up the room for Training Week because it's quieter and easier to train us workers this way.  What sucks for me is that I had 2 1/2 days to bum around doing nothing.

Moreover, my parents think I'm full-time with this job (albeit temporary ... well, not like a temp job, but I've given indications that it will be temporary if I can find something "better," including lying that I had a late interview with a new job I said I was interested in after work on Tax Day, which was only an excuse for me to wait in line to file my taxes), so my problem waking up today was explaining to them why I wasn't waking up early this or next morning.  (And thank goodness I had training Wednesday morning; it sucks to get up just to be done with everything by 11, but it allowed me to hand over this state health insurance application to my other testing job as well as hang out at Hooters, plus it gave me a third reason to actually roll out of bed early in the morning.)  If they get their panties in a bunch over why I suddenly am sleeping in till, oh, 11, they (in particular My Father) will start nagging me over what I'm doing, where I'm going with my life, future plans, shit like that.

I should have thought about those things when I got home yesterday.  But between seeing the season finale of Suburgatory and reruns of Law & Order: SVU and Nashville, I suddenly found myself wiped out.  I'm still on "normal people's" schedule, and I could not stay awake to dink around on the Internet, or think of a plan to explain to my parents what I'm doing the rest of the week.  So after being able to stay up for "Celebrity Whispers" on Fallon (which was a re-run, which I didn't know until I tuned in), I turned off the TV, rolled over to my side, and fell asleep.

And because I was on "normal people's" schedule, I woke up at my "usual" time of 7.  What the fuck?  I decided, right then and there, to not act like I was going to bed because I was so goddamn tired.  So I tried so hard to fall back asleep, and I eventually did around 7:30 or so.  But I still woke up around 8:30, and I think I couldn't fight my body anymore.  Had nothing to do, but had to go out anyway.

Surprisingly I heard nothing outside.  Were they sleeping in?  Made me feel better that I could slip out unseen and unheard.  But I was wrong; turns out both my parents were awake -- Mother was at the dining room table, knitting again, while Father was dinkin' around on the computer -- when I came out to "work."  But, only Father asked, "Why are you going so late?"

I did think about what I would say in just a situation; I just did not come up with anything that I liked.  So I blurted out the best solution I settled on: "Well, there was a glitch in the software and the papers weren't being scanned ..." and My Father either didn't give a shit or didn't understand what I was saying and tuned out after "glitch," and he just goodbye.  Wish My Fucking Father would listen to me, but in this case, I think I should be glad I wasn't questioned about why I woke up so late.  Maybe waking up tomorrow won't be a problem after all.

Nightmare -- Well, Sort Of ... OK, Not Really

So I fell asleep right before 8 and woke up around 4:30.  Great night of sleep, unfortunately I woke up too early.  So I lolled around bed before I decided I needed to get up.

I did fall back asleep, although I think it was at most 30 minutes and more like ten.  When something like this happens, where I fall dead asleep early in the day and I manage to fall back to sleep for a catnap, the catnap is where I have a vivid dream/nightmare.

I remember parts clearly, I just don't know if there's more to it.  I was at a video arcade and they were closing down, but I was enraptured by it, so much so that I asked the person in charge, "Can you just shut this game off for me?"

And when I was walking to the exit (I guess the manager did what I asked), in front of me there either were a couple guys shoving each other towards the door or someone working there shoving an unruly customer to the door.

And that's it.

Got to go to work.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Swarm (Last Week: -3).  This week's survey was a tough one ... well, after you separated the three big pro teams in the area from the two who played well this screening week.  In the end, even though the Swarm only won one game, that win did put them in the playoffs.  Now, it's the fourth straight year they made it into the postseason, and seventh of nine, and this is a league where all but one team makes the playoffs.  Plus, the team has done little in the playoffs, so what's to say that this season will end differently?  But making the postseason, after knowing that the Timberwolves won't and the Twins probably won't and the Wild will give Twin Cities fans a heart attack as they keep fighting to reach the playoffs, is something not to be taken lightly around these success-starved parts.

It's heartening to know that not only did they beat Colorado Saturday in Colorado, but they crushed them by a score of 17-12.  They raced out to a 5-1 lead after the first quarter and a 9-2 lead at halftime, and they fought the Mammoth, who are still in the hunt for one of two remaining available playoff spots, just about a tie in the second half to win.

Looking at the National Lacrosse League playoff scenarios going into the final week of the regular season, it looks like the Swarm are locked into the fourth seed in the Western Conference playoffs.  Their final game comes at the Xcel Energy Center this Saturday against Colorado.  You want something to look forward to if you're going to the game, like I'm planning to?  Minnesota can eliminate the Mammoth from the playoffs if they complete the home-and-home sweep.  (The other two teams fighting for playoff spots, Rochester and Buffalo, play each other at Buffalo in a game that will start a half-hour before the Swarm and Mammoth drop the ball.  If Colorado wins, they're in, and the other playoff spot goes to the winner of the Knighthawks-Bandits game.)  Although it would be nice if, after suffering a season-ending injury to captain Andrew Suitor, the Swarm can reach 8-8 on the season.

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  See, I kind of feel bad for dropping the Gopher baseball team to second in the WMNSS.  They not only swept Northwestern in Evanston, not only did they do so by a combined score of 17-6, but the Sunday 7-1 victory gave legendary Manager John Anderson his 500th Big Ten win in his career.  Congratulations to him for a long and distinguished career.  Plus they're 22-13 overall and a sterling 7-2 in-conference.  It's just that I can't get too high on these guys when 1) the NCAA Tournament is still more than a month away, 2) they in no way sewed up a playoff spot like the Swarm, and 3) they were not forecast to be a force in the B1G and so I'm kind of waiting for the worm to turn.

Again, I feel bad; today (Tuesday) they are scheduled to play Augsburg before embarking on a three-game series against Michigan St., all of them at home.  They could lose all four games and they won't even sniff the top spot in the survey because an indoor lacrosse team made the playoffs.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -4).  I don't want to be a doomsayer because as it stands right now the Wild would be the sixth seed for the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  But they are barely treading water after a 1-3 week.  What is particularly embarrassing is that they had a three-game homestand this screening week and they lost all three games.  I saw the shootout loss Saturday to Columbus.  The BJ's goalie, Igor Bobrovsky (sp.?), was fucking standing on his fucking head, but it didn't help that the two shootout goals the Mild made were easily stopped while the two BJ shootout tries easily went past Nicklas Backstrom.

But at least they scored.  Until that defeat at home to Columbus, the team had been shut out in three of the previous four games.  The only player scoring with some regularity, in fact the best Wild player right now, is the new acquisition, ex-Buffalo Saber Jason Pominville.  Now I understand why General Manager Chuck Fletcher traded for him.  He scored two goals in last (Monday) night's 4-3 win in Calgary.  Head Coach Mike Yeo is sticking Pominville in the top line with Mikko Koivu and Zach Parise, and I know you need a top line that can carry your team's scoring.  But I wish that Pominville could be dropped to the second line so one of the new kids could learn how to skate with Koivu and Parise.  It feels better to see the scoring distributed more evenly ... assuming that the team can score consistently.

The bad news is Dany Heatley is done for the year after having shoulder surgery.  This would be the perfect time for one of several of the organization's vaunted young kids to step and show he belongs in the National Hockey League.  Moreover, the end of the regular season is very favorable to the team's chances of staying on the right side of the playoff chase.  They complete their road trip with games against Edmonton today (Tuesday) and San Jose Thursday, then they have their final homestand of the regular season starting with The Bastard Atlanta Flames Sunday.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: 0).  Both the Woofie Dogs and the Twinks had 1-4 weeks.  I put the Wolves here because they're going to be a -Infinity next week, so I might as well spare them the bottom spot this week.

Their only win this screening week was Saturday's 105-93 win over driftless Phoenix.  That was the 20th win of the season for the Timberwolves at Target Center, their most since the 2006-7 season.  More importantly, that was win No. 30 on the season, the most victories they've had since they traded away Kevin Garnett lo those many years ago.

Unfortunately they couldn't go above .500 at The Bullseye this year after last (Monday) night's noncompetitive 96-80 loss to The Bastard New Orleans Jazz finished their home record at 20-21.  Since they're currently sitting at 30-51, that means they are 10-30 on the road, the last three of those losses coming earlier in the week to Golden State, the Clippers and said Jazz.

Nikola Pekovic probably won't play the rest of the season -- which consists of just one more game -- because of a nagging left calf contusion.  That means the bulk of the scoring and leadership has come from Ricky Rubio, who, unlike Pekovic, who won't be able to finish the season, wasn't able to start the season.  But he has been great and at times terrific.  Now we need to find out if Derrick Williams, who has been getting plenty of run, gets an increased role or even a starting job with the Woofs next year after seeing his production improve.

The last game of the regular season comes tomorrow (Wednesday) in San Antonio.

#-5: Twins (Last Week: -1).  If you haven't eliminated the Twinks from postseason consideration before the season started, this week should do the trick.  A 1-4 spell capped off with back-to-back series sweeps at the hands of host Kansas City (although the first of the three-game series started Monday and thus before the WMNSS's parameters began) and the visiting New York Mets (although Sunday's finale was rained out and should [?] be rescheduled soon) was downright shameful.  Joe Mauer still hasn't hit well, although he had a good outing in last (Monday) night's 8-2 Jackie Robinson Day victory over the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of. ...  And Aaron Hicks, after tearing the cover off the ball during Spring Training, is still trying to reach the Mendoza Line.  He has started out batting
.047 on the year, and his 20 strikeouts ties Brett Jackson for most in a rookie's first ten games in the big leagues.  Is there a chance he will be sent down to AAA Rochester to save his psyche?

This week: Finishing up hosting the Angels, a travel day, playing three in Chicago against the White Sox, then coming back to Tareget Field to start one of those weirdo two-game series against Miami.

Good News For Tax Day

Am finishing up my taxes.  Didn't really start until Saturday because I figured that I would have needed to pay a grand like I did last year, so why work on it until I absolutely had to?

Funny thing, though ... I laid out all the wages from the eight (!!!) places I worked in 2012, as well as added up all the federal and state taxes withheld.  And after I got done, and assuming I didn't do anything wrong, I have to pay about, get this, $45.  Not a thousand bucks, but 45, to the country and the state.  I don't know how that happened.  It felt like I got the same amount of money for just about the same amount of work, and nothing else drastic changed since last year.  But goddamn, I'm really happy!!!

It's Still Winter!!!!!!!!!!!!! This Is Bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my fucking God, I go out to do my taxes at the library, and I see that there are snow showers.  It's April 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I went to Burger King to eat for a little bit, and when I go back out to my car, there's snow that has accumulated on my car.  IT'S APRIL 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting Caught In My Underwear

OK, to set the scene: I have been feeling kind of crappy tonight.  Actually, the past several days.  And, if you want to get technical about it, since I started this test-grading project.  Not the work itself but the hours have taken a toll on my body.  The combination of getting up early to work, not getting enough rest and/or sleep at night, and consuming copious of amount of caffeine to stay awake (including using coupons for mochas after work on Wednesday and today [Friday], the latter after getting off work early because we got done with the project early) has had me feeling sort of like a zombie during the evening -- pained chest, zoned-out concentration, not being quite "in the moment," so to speak.

For the past day or so it's been cold and snow, again.  Punxsutawney Phil can kiss my ass.  Anyway, the heat's been on.  It's been on the whole winter, but when the season started My Father cranked the heat up so high it was too hot in my room.  So hot, in fact, I regularly took off my clothes to cope.  I even slept totally in the nude once.  After I made a passing comment about that to Mother, I think My Father dropped the temperature on the thermostat down a couple degrees, and my need to shed clothes stopped ... until the past day or so, when I felt it all hot again.  And around the time Vegas started, I stripped down to my long underpants.

So you can see why the heat, along with my zombie-like feeling, compelled me to go to the bathroom to take a shit wearing only said long underpants, although, to be modest, I did bring my shirt.  After I did my business I was still so hot and out of it that I didn't even bother to put back on my t-shirt.  (I took it off during my bowel movement because it is very big and baggy, and I figure I might as well just take it off while taking a shit, because I'm sweating anyway.)

But as I was leaving I heard footsteps coming up the stairs -- Father's late-night snack sojourn.  I open up the door to see how far up the stairs he was.  The hallway light was on, but I didn't see him.  So, I was at a crossroads: Do I wait, or do I go for it?

In retrospect, I have no fucking idea why I thought I could just go and beat him to my room.  I didn't, not even close.  In fact, I was walking -- well, more like race-walking like that weird sport that happens to be in the Olympics -- right at the same time My Father reached the top step and was walking straight into the kitchen.  We were abreast, he and I, and so he saw me.  And if I'm not lucky enough that his eyesight is terrible, he looked to his right to see his son walking at an unnatural speed into his bedroom, even though it was only steps away, like he wanted to hide from him.  And while I was failing to run away from him, he gazed at his misbegotten son showing off the contours of his legs and torso because he was only sporting long underwear, and showing off his middle-age gut because he didn't have either the energy or the good sense to put on the t-shirt that he was holding through one arm sleeve.

There is a chance, just a chance, that after he witnessed this pathetic tableau he shook his head and said to himself, "My fucking God, that is my son."  And if he felt that way, because of the way I was (not) dressed and/or acting like I was trying to avoid him for some stupid reason, well, can't say I blame him.

We Didn't Hit The Bullseye, But I Think We Hit The First Ring Surrounding It. As For Me ... Uh, Not So Close

We will get done with our grading project tomorrow.  The planned end date is Monday.  I've done these projects before and we have never been so close to the projected end date as we are with this, and like I've said before, we haven't even been close.  Previous projects (most of them, granted, have been math) we could have been finished last week.

So after hemming and hawing over my fear that we are working ourselves out of a job ... you know, maybe I overreacted, just a tad.  Our production trend was such that I really thought we would get done as early as yesterday (Thursday) or even Wednesday, thus taking days' worth of paychecks out of our own pockets.  But somehow, even though our production has been robust all week, it appears we may have taken a half-step back.  To the point where, for the past couple days, the projection was that this assignment would be now done Monday.  That's better than losing a job early, but that would be bad for me because I start my next job on Monday, and I have no idea how skipping out of an assignment before it's finished (even if I told everybody who needed to know when I started this project) would reflect on future opportunities with this company, which I love to work for.

Well, yesterday (Thursday) we got back on the snake and started whipping ourselves back up production-wise.  I guess our supervisor saw that because we went from a theoretical chance we would get done today (Friday) to (and he never said this, mind you) a good chance.  Seeing this, he and his boss, for the first time in my memory working for this company, allowed us to stay after hours to the point where we might get overtime for the week.  The irony is that the combination of these expanded hours before the week is through and our jacked-up production means that we will get done some time before end of business Friday, probably enough that we will finish short of the 40 hours we would get to be eligible for the overtime my supervisor dangled out there as incentive.

I got back on the rollercoaster again after hearing the new projections yesterday (Thursday) afternoon that we are picking up speed.  This was also the time where I saw the number of papers I read that day as well as the day before, and I am lagging behind.  My God, I'm reading so many goddamn papers that look the same and have the same fucking chicken-scratch writing that I can't help but space out.  I'm trying my best, but I lose my train of thought and then I have to go back and look through them again for mistakes.  Yes, I think I could have ticked up my production a bit.  But that's only so I look good compared to everybody else in the room -- although, again, maybe we needed to get to work so we could done by today (Friday), which would be worse than getting done on Monday.  (My cumulative number puts me firmly in the middle; without that I think I would be in serious trouble with the company.)  Now that we could get done by lunchtime today (Friday), maybe it would be a good idea to, you know, pace ourselves a bit?  And maybe get that overtime bonus I think we all could use?  And maybe make me look good by comparison?  Maybe?

Probably not.  Fuck, we'll get done by 10:30 tomorrow.

Expenses Without Receipts

Since Wednesday, April 10:

• After work I had an experiment at the U. -- not the MRI or the hearing lab, a different one.  I've work with this department before, and apparently I'm, like, famous or something.  When I was told about this she complimented me on my enthusiasm for doing it.  I just wanted them to know that I was willing to help, I just can't do it during normal business hours.  But they accommodated me, and one of them stayed after hours.  In fact, another person was finishing up her experiment as I was starting.  Anyway, an Infusion of: $10.
• To Sunday the 7th: The disaster at Espresso Royale.  The price to pay for this shit was tiny, however. Coffee with tip: $1.75.
• Then to the Gopher baseball game, with similarly disastrous results.  Program, hot dog and Coke: $8.50.
• Went to Dunn Bros. for even more caffeine after the game.  The EWR here was the penny I found and picked up.  An Infusion of: 1 cent.
• Saturday the 6th ... Day started off with me exercising.  Since my buy-one-month-get-one-month-free deal expired, I had to pay: $3.
• MNRG ... Surly with tip: $8.
• Caffetto afterwards.  Coffee with tip: $1.75.
• Thursday, April 4, where I got peanuts from the vending machine at work.  Figured that because I knew I was spending money that day, might as well buy something there at least once: $1.
• Chased all around Minneapolis for a ticket to the Minnesota RollerGirls bout.  My usual place, Shameless Inc., sold out, but there was another one at this place called Crafty Planet.  After driving for two hours after work, I finally got a voucher (which I would have to exchange for a ticket at the box office that evening -- and come to think of it, the woman who helped me with that was pretty much an asshole too).  The woman who helped me at Crafty Planet said I got the last one.  Whew!  The price was a special one because it was the Championship Bout: $16.
• Sunday the 31st -- At the Lianne La Havas concert I had a Pabst Blue Ribbon.  With tip: $5.
• Saturday the 30th ... After going to Auntie Anne's I had coffee at Cobalt Cafe at the library.  With tip: $1.25.
• That evening I went to the North Star RollerGirls bout.  The fucking team lost to Fargo-Moorehead.  Fargo-Moorehead!!!  PBR with tip was: $7.25.
• Then I drowned my sorrows at Caffetto.  Coffee with tip: $1.75.
• Since I was a good boy monetarily through the week I have to go all the way back to Sunday, March 24, where I started my day going to Jackson's Hole to catch the Ohio St.-Iowa St. second round game of the NCAA Tournament.  Had ... what did I have, nachos?  Had some food, and with tip it came out to: $9.
• I had stuff written down for this date, but not for the hot dog and Coke I got at the NCAA Women's Frozen Four Final later that afternoon.  And I just checked my credit card statement online and it wasn't there, so I had to have paid cash.  Shit, how much was it?  I'll take a guess: $7.50.
• On Saturday the 23rd the only thing I paid without a receipt for (I hope) was Caffetto.  My mind is hazy at this point because it's been some time since I got something there other than a small cup of coffee, but I can't remember anything otherwise, so I'll say it was a cup of coffee.  With tip: $1.75.

Lord willin', I caught up through the 10th.

First Blog Post Through My Tablet

It's about time I see how well can or can't I type on this thing.  (It's also past 7 and I haven't written anything for the day yet.). So I'm going to bang this out, post it, then see how it translates when I check my blog -- if there are any formatting errors, if it's too hard, etc. Cross your fingers.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3).  Pretty sizable news for the Wolves this week.  On the bad side is nothing that is all that negative nor unforeseen: Kevin Love, who was still recuperating from broken bones in his right hand, developed scar tissue in his left knee, and all parties have decided it's best to get surgery now and shut him down for the rest of the season, what is left of it.  Love continued to say he wanted to come back for the rest of the year, but with only 29 wins and no shot at a playoff spot, why the fuck would he do that?  Why the fuckety-fuck would he even want to do that?  Was he even serious?  I'm starting to think players on non-contending teams who insist they will come back to play the end of a losing season is just bullshitting.  He still has to overhaul a reputation of being a diva that he brought on himself shortly after he injured his hand before the start of the year after "doing knuckle push-ups," and he can't even start to heal that rift with Timberwolves fans until he plays.  Might as wait until next year, where hopefully he's 100% and playing in games that actually matter.

But on the flipside is an historic milestone, one that the pessimist in me thought would not come this year: Congratulations to Head Coach Rick Adelman on winning his 1,000th game as a National Basketball Association coach, 107-101 over Detroit at Target Center Saturday night.  If there is such a thing as a lifer in the NBA coaching ranks, Adelman is it; he has manned teams in Portland, Golden State, Sacramento and Houston before moving on to the Woofs.  He began coaching with the Trail Blazers in 1988, and he has only been off the sidelines three seasons since.  Adelman may not have yet won an NBA title (he made it to the Finals twice with the Blazers in 1990 and '92, losing, obviously, to Jordan and the Bulls), but short of that, this probably is the best thing you can ask for in an NBA coaching career.  For that, I'm going to be generous and give the Woofie Dogs the top spot in this week's WMNSS and a rare non-negative place.

Adelman has brought professionalism to a franchise that sorely needs it.  I hope he stays after an incomplete year where arguably his best guy, Love, was gone virtually the whole season.  At least this week the team went 2-1 (they also beat playoff-bound Milwaukee in Milwaukee Wednesday), although the Wolves team failed to preserve a late lead at home to Toronto Friday.  It's almost over, folks; they play five of their last six games this screening week: At Golden State tonight, followed by roadies against the Clippers and Utah, then home for tilts vs. Phoenix and the Jazz.

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -6).  As of Monday morning (I think?) the Twinks were, believe it or not, in first place in the American League Central.  Stop the season!  We're going to the playoffs!!!  OK, that's a pipe dream, but they did go 4-2, taking the last two games at home to win the season-opening series against Detroit and then two-of-three in Baltimore.

The Kansas City Royals' season-opener Monday afternoon, however, was more in tune to what think this team really is.  Starter Kevin Correia pitched masterfully until sinking his bullpen into a jam in the eighth, a jam neither Jared Burton nor Casey Fien were able to save Correia from, and the Royals came back to win, 3-1.  (The winning pitcher was ex-Angel Ervin Santana, who I think has won his last four games against the Twins and clearly has made this team his bitch.)

Early concern revolves around Joe Mauer, who has yet to smack an RBI and has struck out, like, a dozen times already.  KSTP's Chris Long speculates he's hurt and he hasn't told anybody.

This week: They finish up with two more in K.C. (a place I'll be vacationing in in May), then coming back home to The Bullseye for their first interleague matchup of the season (and first in the new every-day-there's-an-interleague game) vs. the New York Mets.  And then, on Monday, they host the Jackie Robinson Day game against the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of. ...

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  One more story to add to my last blog post about trying to get into Sunday's game: Paul Molitor was there.  I sat down in on of the real seats just left of home and it was only after some guys said, "He's Paul Molitor" that I look over and, sure enough, just sitting there with bad posture was Molitor, St. Paul native, Milwaukee Brewer legend, Hall of Famer, and one of the key leaders in getting Siebert Field renovated.

It was either at the end of the fifth or sixth inning when I went up to get something from the concession stand, which is now facing the field, which is awesome.  (Before I would have to go down the stairs and go to the other side of the wall; concessions then faced away from the diamond and towards the front gate.)  I used change to pay for part of my hot dog and Coke.  For my regular jeans and pants I put my coins in my right ass pocket.  But all this past week I was wearing these carpenters' pants that have all these pockets, and the right ass pocket has a hole in it, so I put my change for these pants in my right leg pocket, which is below the hip pocket.

Unfortunately, I forget that after I hauled out all these coins to pay for my food.  So when I went back and sat down, I heard the clinking of metal coins hitting the freshly-hardened concrete of Siebert v.2.0.  Molitor's friend told me I had change underneath my seat (even though I was looking down at said coins when he said it), and then Molitor sang, quietly, "There's a whole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza."  I don't know if he was joshing me or if deep down he's really a bully.  I want to think of Paul Molitor as a nice guy.

OK, to the Gopher baseball team: In their first series in their new on-campus home, they took two of three.  Sunday's game might be the best game the Gophers have played all season, a 1-0 victory where D.J. Snelten pitched a complete-game one-hitter, said hit coming in the third where Buckeye Designated Hitter Troy Kuhn's bouncer ticked off Snelten's glove.  The result sprang up on me, but I wasn't really paying attention because I thought I got a scorecard when I bought a program.  But there wasn't one, so I just followed my Twitter account from my tablet instead.  That's when I heard a loud ping and some hollers from the crowd in the sixth when Gopher Second Baseman Tony Skjefte was up to bat.  I looked up to see Buckeye Left Fielder Tim Wetzel drift and continue to drift back towards the fences, but it was too far gone.  I just caught the first home run ever hit in the new Siebert Field, and it was the only run scored in a fantastically tight contest.  (Props, BTW, to Snelten's counterpart, Brian King, who went seven inning and gave up only three hits while striking out two and walking only one.)  One final fact: Sunday's game was played in only 1 hour, 37 minutes.  It was like Mark Buerhle was pitching against Mark Buerhle.

Unfortunately the weather is wreaking havoc with the sport of baseball again.  Wednesday's road game against South Dakota St. was postponed, this afternoon's home game against Winona St. was cancelled, and the team announced that tomorrow's home tilt versus St. John's (of Minnesota, not New York) was postponed during Sunday's game.  As far as I know, this weekend's three-game series at Northwestern is still on.

#-3: Swarm (Last Week: -1).  Split weekend.  Saturday night at the X they tripled Buffalo 21-7.  It was the most goals they've scored in franchise history and was their largest margin of victory ever.  They then played the next afternoon in Philadelphia and lost to the Wings, 15-13, snapping their win streak at three.  Looking at the current standings I don't see all four Eastern Conference teams indicated as making the playoffs, like I thought.  It may be a case where only the team with the worst record in the National Lacrosse League is left out of the postseason ... in which case the Smarm (as well as Colorado and Philadelphia) hold a one-game league on the Bandits for the final playoff spot.

There are only two games left in the regular season, and it's a two-Saturday home-and-home against the Mammoth.  They play there this week.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -4).  The momentum is gone.  Maybe it's the youngsters, who have contributed mightily to the team's surge to the top of the Western Conference the past several weeks, hitting a wall.  Or maybe it's Nicklas Backstrom being a bit more fallible than previously thought.  But they lost in San Jose and Los Angeles (and badly) before beating the Blue Jackets in Columbus to stop their losing streak at three.

The big news is that the Mild decided to become buyers at the trade deadline, getting Jason Pominville from fire-selling Buffalo for a first-round pick, a second-round pick, and two prospects, one of them being Johan Larsson.  Pominville, who was the Sabres' captain, was installed on the top line with Zach Parise and Mikko Koivu to be the workhouse line for the team.  Hope it can score.

The Wild, currently sixth in the standings with 46 points, are losing to Chicago.  Assuming I can get this survey in on time, this week they have games at home against the Blackhawks, St. Louis and Columbus before hitting the road again, starting with a game in Calgary.

#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Re-Entry!).  What do you think about Richard Pitino?  I assume Gopher Athletic Director Norwood Teague knows he didn't hire Rick Pitino, right?

I am surprised he didn't get an assistant coach, like Dwayne Stephens of Michigan St.  If Shaka Smart or Flip Saunders wouldn't say yes, then that would be the route to take.  Instead, Minnesota, like USC, dipped not into the mid-major but the low-major schools to pluck a guy out of obscurity into the Big Ten.  OK, maybe not that obscure.  He has a dad who just won the men's college basketball championship last night for Louisville (hell of a game, by the way), and he himself was the coach at Florida International.  But he was there for only one year.  One.  And now the university is entrusting him to lead the program back to relevance.  Is this going to be a trend, that BcS schools not Indiana, Duke, Carolina, et al. will have to bypass mid-major coaches and dip even lower into the untested pool of coaching ranks to grab their new hire?  Do we even know if he's that good of a coach?

#-6: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -Infinity).  With Erik Haula yesterday, there are now five members of this team that have ditched the school to turn pro.  Well deserved, too, after they brought the U. of M. another NCAA championship ... oh, wait.

Look, they completely shit the bed against Yale two weeks ago.  And yes, I hear the incoming class is quite good; they always are.  But this team was ranked second headed into the NCAA Touranment.  We could want them to leave for underachieving, but do you really think what's coming in is going to be better?

My U. Of M. ID Is Getting To Be A Problem

So after my testy day dealing with the useless help at Espresso Royale, I bolted for the new Siebert Field.  Since I couldn't get on the Internet to see if the first game of the doubleheader, which had a scheduled start of 10:30 a.m., got done in time, I assumed it would be the time the U.'s athletic website said it would start, 1:05 p.m.  Except that I didn't give myself enough time to pack everything up, leave the coffeeshop, drop my stuff off in my car, then walk all the way to the field.  Even though I couldn't surf the Web, I did hammer out an NCAA Championship Game preview.

I thought I was going to be late because I dawdled over that column, but it turns out that even though I got there a couple minutes after the scheduled start time, they also were starting a couple minutes late; I got there just as they finished singing the National Anthem.  So I wasted no time in going up to the ticket counter and showing them my University of Minnesota identification card, which would get me in to the game for free.

Now, I have to confess something: This card is old.  I mean, very old.  It's so old that my picture on the back  looks like the 10-year-old me.  I got it when I was enrolled at the U. as a high school student.  I've kept it ever since because it works when I want to get into Gopher sporting events where students get in free.  Volleyball, soccer, baseball -- I have never had to pay a regular season game to any of those U. sports.

But I don't know how long that'll last.  These IDs have obviously been updated since I was last in school.  Still it works, but I had a close call yesterday afternoon when I tried to go to the baseball game.

There are two ticket windows and no lines.  However, both counters were staffed with work-study guys, neither of whom gave me the impression that they put customer service at a premium.  One of them was staring blankly in my direction, and for some reason I didn't like that.  I went with the guy to my left, someone who was looking down at either a book or his penis.

I gave him my ID:

"Five bucks," he said.

"But I'm a student."

"Five bucks."

"That's a student ID."

"It's not a student ID as far as I know."  (He may or may not have said this, I don't fucking remember.)

"It's an old student ID.  I'm an old student."  (I don't remember if I said this, but I know I was bullshitting at this point."

"Show this up to the gate."  Oh, shit.  I always forget that.  A couple years ago the U. made a publicity effort to let students know that they can get in to many Gophers sports games for free if they just show their student ID.  I have instead come up to the ticket window as if I was buying a ticket several instances.

Luckily, the girl working "security" at the gate didn't give me any shit when I showed her my U. ID.  Glad there was no incident after I got into Siebert Field v.2.0, which looks great.  Still, I wonder what goes through a guy who doesn't really give a shit about me and my student ID.  Forget getting money as a work-study student; can't you just be a little less surly just in the name of human decency?

People Who Should Be Fired: Everybody At Espresso Royale

OK, maybe I'm running a little anxious because my car was acting up even more on my drive to Dinkytown to catch the Minnesota baseball game -- now I think my transmission's going because I started the car again after I parked at a meter I thought was free on Sundays but instead was active and it revved really high for, like, five seconds after I turned it on, which isn't supposed to fucking happen!!! -- but all I wanted to was to type a little bit and figure out when the game was actually going to start.

Instead, I go to Espresso Royale and the following happened:

• The goddamn wi-fi doesn't work.  I even took out my tablet and it said I needed to input the address. What the fuck???
• I ask one of the guys if I need a password and he just shook his head.  Some help you are.
• Oh, by the way, I don't think the guy who took my coffee order (different guy, I think this guy was straight while the other was gay with an obnoxious, stuck-out ass [don't ask, I couldn't help but notice]) acknowledged or even looked at me as soon as I said I wanted a coffee.  Bunch of narcissistic douchebags these guys all were.
• I have a loyalty card and gave it to him.  He punches it and drops it in on his side of the counter.  Hey asshole, why don't you drop it a little closer to my reach, huh?  Dick.  Ooh, the more I think of this the angrier I get. ...
• Oh, and I think I asked for room for my coffee.  I didn't get any room from him.  I think it was the gay guy, and that always pisses me off because the guy I tell I need room for my coffee is the guy who's taking my money, and oftentimes someone else helps with getting the coffee, so he doesn't know (or doesn't pay attention) to my direction.

You know, I usually make it a point to drop by Espresso Royale once a summer; it's one of those end-of-summer rituals that I want to uphold.  But if this is the treatment I get nowadays by the dicks who work here, and if I can't even get on the fucking Internet here, why come?


Before I realized that their wi-fi's fucked-up, I actually answered their customer service survey.  And I actually gave them good marks, even though they suspiciously didn't have a spot for, "How was the customer service today?"  I should have taken out my survey and did a new one slagging these lazy asses.  Well, at least I only planned to give these fuckers only three-cents' tip.

Visiting The Store, Or At Least The Backdoor

After the University of Minnesota women's hockey team won the NCAA Tournament almost two weeks ago, I had some time to kill.  Thank goodness for mid-afternoon start times.  I wanted to at least bask in the team's glory, so I stayed around for that.  I then made sure I got enough pictures to capture the scene, so I spent some time doing that.  A lot of it was for one shot, the exterior of Ridder Arena with a banner welcoming fans to the Women's Frozen Four being played there.  I had my camera shot from the other side of the street all planned out.  Problem was the coach buses for Boston University, the team the Gophers defeated to win the championship, were camped out front.

I gave myself some time to mill around the area, even go see if this coffeeshop on the quieter side of campus was still open (it was, just not on weekends), to see if the buses would pull away.  And just as I was going to walk to my car (which, because it was a Sunday, was parked at a meter close to campus instead of on the other side of 35W, where I usually have to park), I saw one of the coaches roll by.  The other one was gone by the time I walked all the way back to Ridder.  Snap, and I was done being a photographer.

---

And I still had several hours, and some daylight, to kill before I had to go home around 9 or 9:30, like I told my parents.  I had time, for example, to stop by Taco Bell (and listen to the Gopher men's basketball team's season end on the radio).  I then was able to work out for a little bit before going home.

But I realized I had the time to do something I should have done sooner: Visit The Store.  I hadn't been there in a while.  And through the chaos of the home remodel, I had not truly realized that at some point my parents did not go to The Store.  The Store is, for all intents and purposes, closed, gone, no more.  And I am saddened and even ashamed for not knowing the exact day they decided going to The Store was not going to be part of the day.

Well, at least from now on there's no chance that I would, for example, drive by them if and when I scrounge up enough money to go back to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division), which is a bridge away from The Store.  Nor would I worry ever again have to worry about what I wanted to do this late day after leaving the U. and before going to eat and work out: Drop by The Store again, or at least parking at the back door.

I did this once before, but I had to do it again.  Overheard my folks say that they turned over the property and land to the business right across the parking lot, so I have no idea if they're going to tear it down or what.  But as long as I'm standing, I want to revisit as much as I can, and if that means I can only retrace the path of parking in the same lot I and my parents did for so many years, OK, I'll take it.  (However, late last week Father said that there's been a hangup with the sale of The Store.  I really don't know what's going on, but admittedly I still don't want to know.)

Like the first time, I gave myself 15 minutes.  Turned off the game, right in the middle of the Gophers losing, turned off the car, and I sat.  I didn't really think about The Store or have my memories of it take me over emotionally and force me to cry tears.  I just wanted to ... be there, even if "there" was just a few inches of icy snow, our old van, the now shut-down freezer vents and the brick edifice that used to be a fire station and lodge.  It was kind of like seeing uncle in his quasi-vegetative state: I had no useful interaction with The Store, but I wanted to just immerse myself in it.

Finally, after my 15 minutes were gone and I started to think staying longer would just be weird (even though there was no one around; the milk-producing plant is usually always hopping but there weren't many people there on this late evening Sunday) I did the same thing I did back in the winter: I went up to the red back door, touched it, closed my eyes for a bit, said a prayer, then kissed it and left.

How many more times can I do this?  Will I have time in the future?

Either We Are Working Ourselves Out Of A Job, Or I Am Working Myself Out Of A Job

So I think we are in a tenuous situation at work when it comes to, well, the amount of work we have.  The latest update yesterday morning was that we are accelerating our productivity.

That's a good thing in one sense.  With these projects with this company, you never know when you'll be done and thus out of work.  My rule of thumb is to take their projected end date, calculate how many work days they estimate, and cut it in half.  Seriously, projects never take as long as this company says.  In fact, one time we were supposed to grading these papers for about 10 days and got done in less than 4.  Pissed me off so badly I thought about immediately marching back into a temp job.

But apparently this writing project won't be my typical project.  We crossed the halfway mark on Tuesday and we weren't even close to getting done.  In fact, as of Tuesday we were going to get done exactly when they said we were going to get done, Tax Day.  That in fact would be bad because I start work at another job on the 15th.  I told someone that my first day of work, but it'd be a whole lot better for me if I just didn't up and leave.

However, we are getting to be, if I may say, a bit too productive.  The update yesterday (Wednesday) morning was that, based on estimates, we are now projected to finish Friday.  That's great.  But the curve is bending, and sharper.  We are going to get done before Friday, and if we keep this up, we are going to get done well before Friday.

And I have no fucking idea if these people I work with understand that.  I have seen and heard everybody's daily rate of going through papers skyrocket.  Guys, we're going to work ourselves out of a job.  We are now doing 17% more papers than we did a couple days ago, and I don't remember our supervisor telling us we were slacking.  No, we are giving them increased productivity of our volition ... and our obliviousness too, if I'm not mistaken.

I'm doing my best to increase my work, but this is getting ridiculous.  We got an update on how many papers we've graded through lunchtime, and even though I thought I was working faster, it still wasn't enough, at least according to how many we are supposed to be doing now.  Yes, compared to the projections that put our end date on Monday the 15th I needed to increase my productivity.  But now that we are going to finish at least a day sooner than planned, and that that date is getting closer, I think we are satisfying our masters.

I don't like how fast we're working now.  These papers -- well, some of them ... OK, most of them -- are awful.  Not just awful to read, but awful to look at.  Shit, what happened to handwriting, man?  Trying to decipher chicken scratch, and then understanding what these American public school-educated kids are trying to say, sometimes takes a long time.  I feel like I've had to skip over papers just to keep up.

And that's what I truly resent, the need to keep up.  We have a quota of papers, and that increased in the past 24-72 hours, probably because the supervisor saw how fast most of my co-workers are going and encouraged us to go even faster to save the company money.  Ladies and gentlemen, we go faster, we we get done sooner, and if we get done sooner, we don't get paid for the days we were supposed to work.

I'm trying to work at a better pace, but this is a fight I won't win.  I cannot just work at a pace I think is best because I will be slower than everybody else, and that means I might lose my job or, worse, not get hired on for another.  So, assuming that I have hit the number that I was supposed to hit yesterday (Thursday) I am forced to go along, work faster and (in my opinion) worse just to keep my numbers equitable to everybody's accelerating pace as we march towards a pink slip that doesn't have to come as fast as we're making it.  This sucks, and it's stupid, and it's everybody else's fault.

CAN'T ANYBODY SEE WHAT WE'RE FUCKING DOING TO OURSELVES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I Rest With My Legs In A "4"

Don't remember when I first noticed this, but it was probably around the time I was forcibly moved into Grandmother's bedroom.  But when I relax and am lying flat on my full-size bed, I often bend my right leg so that the bottom of my foot rests against the inside of my left knee.  So, if you are looking at this arrangement from the ceiling, it would look like the number 4 if the two vertical lines of the digit were closed together, kind of like the old WCCO "4" logo.  Don't know how or why, although having a bed bigger than the twin-size one I was stuck with gives me just enough room to feel comfortable, and maybe that's a way for me to use as much of the bed as possible.

Just something I've wanted to share for a long time.

Addendum To: More Car Trouble, More Car Suffering

Still having trouble accelerating when I first shifted out of first or second gear coming home tonight, another problem added to the rough idling.  Not as bad as it was yesterday evening, however.  Still thinking about scheduling an appointment with a mechanic, however.  And, also however, after relatively smooth driving without stopping (save for a couple surprise hard stops on 694 East coming home; there has not been backup traffic in that stretch since I started this test assignment, but Karma made up for that by sparing me from real stops at lights and thus forcing me to feel my car's shudder), I sat for a few minutes on the driveway, and while I went through Drive, Neutral and Park, I didn't feel that rough idle.  I was surprised ... and happy ... and then I was worried about tomorrow.

---

Need to get this off of my chest too: After dinner I finally was in my bedroom long enough to notice that the hard wind outside was blowing my Venetian blinds.  I looked at my window; there was a crack.  A crack?  When was this ajar?  Never noticed that.

First I thought that I had never closed it.  I tried locking it a few times, but for some reason it never did, so I just left it.  The way the window was ajar would explain why it couldn't lock.  But I'm sure that the wind has been strong enough since I last tried locking it -- which was, oh, since the fall, at least -- and those blinds would be whipping up at some point for me to notice.

That leaves one explanation: My Fucking Father came in my bedroom.  Why?  Just because.  Or because he's a nosy asshole.  Maybe he wants to find out where I hide my jerk-off towel, too, fuck. ...

More Car Trouble, More Car Suffering

The rough idling is something I've begun to tolerate; as long as the mechanic says it should be OK so long as it doesn't kill the engine or trigger the "Check Engine" light, I can just breathe deeply.  It's still not "OK" OK. I keep hoping that when I put my car into drive that everything would be fine, that I won't get the rhythmic thumping whenever I stop at a light or sign.  I particularly dread it in the afternoon; for some reason it's usually fine when I first drive my car in the morning.  It's in the afternoon -- the drive back home from my test scoring job, for example -- where it's at its worst.

Lately it's been screwing with me.  Monday morning my drive to work was bad, which is out of character.  This (Tuesday) morning it drove just fine.  But after work, just after I turned right onto a road and stepped on the gas, my car ... did not accelerate.  Eventually it did, but after I fucking jammed my foot on the gas.  That scared the shit out of me; there was a lot of afternoon rush traffic that was only a red light away from catching me.  This is the same shit that happened to me last fall: The thumping from my car combined with the  inability to accelerate.  Fucking Christ, I thought The Mechanic Around The Corner fixed this already!

I just looked back at the diagnosis from the huge bill I had to pay for my car the last time this shit happened. $800+ to replace a fuel injector, replace the entire ignition system (cap, rotor, wires) and mess with the valve timing.  This is still under warranty, right?  I might have to fucking go back to these guys to get this shit fixed even though I have no confidence that they know how.

And yet tomorrow my car might not be as bad as it drove today.  The mechanic I now trust, the one who said that my car's not "bad" bad right now, has no fucking idea what it is but wonders if it's weather-related.  It's supposed to reach 50 tomorrow afternoon, so maybe this problem will go away.  (Then again, I've driven this car through temperatures lower than the past two days and some times there was no shuddering.) All I know is I fucking don't know anything, the people I hoped would know don't fucking know anything, I desperately need to make sure my car is functioning, and I have no money to pay for any repairs to keep it functioning.  Fuck my life.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Swarm (Re-Entry!).  The race to avoid the stigma of missing out on the playoffs is getting serious ... if anybody is paying attention.  After taking the week off, the Swarm racked up the highest goal total in franchise history in routing the Philadelphia Wings Friday night at the Xcel Energy Center.  They got it rolling in the second half, outscoring Philly 15-6 en route to a 20-11 dicksmack.

They have won their first two games in this three-game homestand after dropping three in a row.  Nevertheless they sit only a half-game above Colorado for the fourth and final spot in the Western Division playoff race.  Their next-to-last home game of the season comes in the first game of the final of three weekends where they play two games.  After hosting Buffalo on Saturday they must travel to Philadelphia for a return date with the Wings ... and play Sunday afternoon?  The Swarm are going to play another game a mere 17 hours after finishing their first game, and in a different time zone?  That doesn't seem fair.  In fact, that seems downright fucking insane.

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  3-1 for the week.  In a milestone that may or may not have much importance, the program won their last game ever in the edifice known as the Metrodome Wednesday over South Dakota St. 5-1.  I'm very sure, however, that the team will set aside a game or a series annually or at least once in a while in the new building that will be constructed on the same site of land.  They then won two of three in Michigan to start conference play, splitting a doubleheader that was supposed to be games Saturday and Sunday; no explanation given for the impromptu double-dip.  Tom Windle went the distance in in Friday's game, striking out a baker's dozen as the U. beat the Wolverines 3-1.  For his troubles Windle earned his second Big Ten Pitcher Of The Week honor of the very young season.

This (Tuesday) afternoon marks/marked a special ceremony for the renovated Siebert Field.  I wish I could go, but it starts at a quarter past noon and I'll be working.  After going to Brookings, S.D. for the reciprocating end of a home-and-home against the Jackrabbits on Wednesday, the team will host the first-ever series at Siebert v.2.0 this weekend, three afternoon tilts vs. Ohio St.  I would go on Friday, but it looks like all games (at least for this season) will start smack dab in the afternoon.  Series-beginning Friday games used to start at 6:35.  Plus, my car's back to going to shit on me.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  Did you know that there are only nine games left in the regular season??  It's come so quickly that it feels like this was a strike- or lockout-shortened one, until you remember that there was a shortened one the year before, but this one was regular-sized.

They went 2-2 this week.  Weirdly enough, their two wins were against good teams, Oklahoma City and Boston.  Moreover, both wins came on busy sports nights where the other Twin Cities teams lost.  On Friday the Wild lost to The Bastard North Stars while the Gopher men's hockey team was busy getting historically upset by Yale in the first round of the NCAA Tournament (more on that below ... way below), but it was the Woofie Dogs, the underachieving, star-crossed Woofie Dogs, that redeemed MSP with a victory over The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics.  And then yesterday (Monday) they defeated the Kevin Garnett- and Rajon Rondo-less Celtics for the first time since 2007, the same evening as both the Mild and the Twinks suffered losses.  (All three games yesterday were at home, by the way; this is the time of year where sports seasons are in transition, and I marvel at the comings and goings this time of year.)

Unfortunately in this weeklong homestand they lost the other two games in this particular WMNSS (Tuesday's win victory in Detroit would have counted if I completed last week's survey on time), to The Bastard Minneapolis Lakers (for, like, the 290th game in a row) and The Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies.  I just checked this afternoon that they're 11 1/2 games behind the eighth spot in the Western Conference Playoffs.  They will go through one-third of the remaining part of the season this screening week: at Milwaukee Wednesday, then back at home versus Toronto and Detroit Friday and Saturday.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: 0).  The team ran into serious headwinds this week.  The Bastard North Stars ended the team's seven-game winning streak Friday in Dallas, and they were booed off the ice in last (Monday) night's defeat at home against St. Louis.  I can even find fault with their two wins: Wednesday's home way over Phoenix was in overtime, and the one Saturday against the defending Stanley Cup champion Los Angeles Kings came in a shoot out.  Both wins were also come-from-behind, which may be a bad thing but may be a good thing.  They stand tied for third in the Western Conference with Vancouver.  Moreover, they are only seven points out of ninth.  How will they react to this hiccup this week -- on the road?  At San Jose, L.A. and Columbus.

#-5: Lynx (Re-Entry!).  It's a week late, forgive me; Taj McWilliams-Franklin, stalwart Center, two-time WNBA champion (one with the Lynx), Mama Taj, and vanquisher of Father Time (seriously, whenever I got the game program sheet I always looked at the TMF's bio line and marvel that she may be the last basketball player in American professional basketball who is older than me -- she's 42 and she can kick my ass!!!) finally made a decision: She told the Lynx she's retiring to become an Assistant Coach with the New York Liberty.  Probably couldn't play forever, and she will be working for Bill Laimbeer, Detroit Pistons Bad Boy, former Assistant Coach with the NBA and won a WNBA title as a player with the Detroit Shock when Laimbeer was Head Coach there.  She's earned her retirement and new position.

Now, about the Lynx. ...  Mama Taj was the starting Center for the team, and she was a defensive rock, blocking shots, collecting rebounds and altering player drives and offensive gameplans.  Who will replace her?  The signing of Janel McCarville seems to be even more important now.  Jessica Adair, Amber Harris and Devereaux have to step up, too.

#-6: Twins (Re-Entry!).  Monday's season opener had a high of 35 degrees when the Twins' Vance Worley threw out the first pitch.  But totally, baseball is best outdoors.  My Chinaman ass. ...

Oh, and the Twinks picked up right where they left off last year, a 4-2 loss to the Detroit Tigers.  Justin Verlander was great, but he only lasted 5+ innings, so the team had a chance.  But once again this team will be plagued by two things: offense and pitching.  They had men on base in the late innings against the Tigers' still-patchy bullpen, but the young'uns couldn't bring 'em home.  A Detroit insurance run was more than enough to put this team in the losing ledger.

What are the hopes of this ballclub?  Well, 2011 was the wake-up call, where everybody thought they would win the American League Central Division but injuries and pitching deterioration turned into a shocking last-place finish in only their second year in Target Field.  There were faint delusion hopes of a revival last year, but reality set in and fans braced themselves for a second consecutive year of 90+ losses.

The starting rotation sucked, absolutely blew donkey balls last year.  So the organization rightly fired every single one of them.  To rebuild both the major league starting rotation and the farm system, they traded The Next Great Twins Centerfielder, Denard Span, to Washington and, for extra measure, went through Span's replacement as The Next Next Great Twins Centerfielder, Ben Revere, to Philadelphia to get, amongst others, Worley.  Obviously the verdict isn't in after one game, but I think everybody knows it's going to be a long season.  And we gave this shit team $360 million for a brand-new stadium so they can compete?!

They resume their series against the Tigers tomorrow (Wednesday), play their first road series in Baltimore for the weekend, then start a three-game set in Kansas City Monday.

#-Infinity: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Inexplicable.  Just inexplicable ... and absolutely fucking goddamn inexcusable.  Yale?!?!?!



I failed to mention last week that the Goofers were the odds-on favorite to win the NCAA Tournament.  Although they were officially the second-overall seed in the 16-team field, putative kings of the hill Quinnipiac  are from the ECAC, a notoriously soft and weak hockey conference, and has no tournament history or tradition.  The U. was loaded for bear -- talented, winning, and injury-free.  But then, goddammit, they had to pull a fucking Holy Cross.  I shouldn't be surprised, in two ways.  One, the lower seed beating the higher seed happens frequently in the Men's NCAA Hockey Tournament; in fact, a 4-seed has beaten a 1-seed in every tournament since 2006 (although all 1-seeds beat all 4-seeds between 2003 and 2005).  Two, this loss wasn't a shock to some, who though the club's 2-0 loss to Colorado College in the WCHA Final Five was a sign that this team was relying on their talent, not hard work.

There are also some who thinks this embarrassing upset is also a sign that Head Coach Don Lucia can't get this team to play when it really counts, that they're regular season warriors but tournament chokes.  And it's true that this team hasn't won it all since 2003.  But wasn't it just last year that they beat North Dakota to reach the Frozen Four?  I think all seasons short of winning a title are failures, but last year proved that Lucia isn't a total loser.

So, in this case I would blame the team, many of whom stopped giving a shit about college and are quickly jumping to the pros.  First up: Nate Schmidt, awesome scoring Defenseman, who is now going to play for the Washington Capitals as early as Thursday.  Lucia and the U. have a great recruiting class coming in, but they always do.  The Goofs always get the best players from in-state; it's just motivating them to play and win for the "M" on the front of their jerseys that's been a problem, never moreso than this year.  But to some who think a team with so much promise and success were underachievers, maybe they react to Schmidt leaving the team with, "Don't let the door to Mariucci Arena hit you in the ass on your way out!"

Seriously, how the fuck do you lose 3-2 nine fucking seconds into overtime to an Ivy league school with no scholarship players?  How???  They needed to get tips from the Gopher women's team.