OK, so this thing about being 40 and saying whatever the fuck I want, but still worried that I'll offend people, all that thing, that contradiction, it's driving me fucking nuts.
So this woman I recently reconnected with, a woman to whom I sent a message nine years ago, she has a fascinating story. She is the process of adopting two children, something she has wanted to do since she herself was a child. She's been active about telling her story and her lovely time with these adorable newborns on Facebook. And she has been very willing to answer many questions, some of them probing, with some aplomb and humor. In other words, I didn't think too much was off-limits to a process that's still ongoing and needs to be somewhat secret to protect the identities of these two kids. I understand, and I think I've walked that line.
Yesterday, she was talking about tracking the development of both kids. The older one (although she isn't that much older) has been kind of slow in developing, I guess, while the younger one has been on a normal track. My friend said that she hopes that the older one can take a cue from her new brother and, for a lack of a better word, progress.
Now, I don't exactly know what that means. I don't have a kid; hell, I'm a kid myself. However, to me, my friend seemed to be intimating that this prospective daughter may have some kind of issues. But I didn't know. So, in the comments section, I asked if this child was, and I put this in quotes, "behind."
That's all I said. That's all I said.
I checked my Facebook. All of a sudden, my comment was gone.
I swear, I was totally nice in asking. And I never thought that she would take umbrage at it. But, unless there is some law where you can't discuss the health of prospective adoptees (which I didn't think applied here she may have talked about these issues), it looks as though she deleted my comment because she didn't like it.
As much as I have been talking about saying what I want to say and not giving two fucks about what anyone else thinks, I care about what she thinks. I really do. She didn't have to respond to a Facebook message I sent her nine years ago. And maybe it's also because I'm 40 that I feel such a tug of time that I want to make sure I do nothing to sever a connection I had with someone (OK, maybe "connection" is too strong a word, but this means a lot to me) when I was a lot younger.
So, what did I do? I sent her a message though Facebook. We've communicated like that before. I thought I could get an explanation and smooth things over with an apology. So I did -- I said sorry if I offended you, I thought it was cool.
Again, that's all I said. That's all I said.
I heard nothing. Well, I have heard nothing. And I don't get it. Usually she is loquacious, and since she often likes my comments as well as those of her "real" friends when she posts a status update I know she's on Facebook constantly. So why the silent treatment? Is she mad? I think she's mad. She deleted something she didn't like, and now she's not going to give me an explanation and let me twist in the wind. That's what it feels like. Look, if you're upset, just let me know. Then give me a chance to make up for it, or at least just tell me we're done. But this silent treatment -- come on!
My reaction to this has to have something to do with my childhood. My parents were always overbearing when it came to problems they thought I had. I would never hear the end of their probing, nagging questions -- "What's the problem?" "Why do you do this?" "Does it have something to do with school?" "Why can't you do better then?" Shit like that. And as much as I hate that, I have inculcated that incessant badgering, and the insecurity that is the reason behind it, whenever I see there's a problem ... well, whenever I perceive someone has a problem with me. However, my reaction towards my folks when they start this avalanche of questions was to shut down -- to give them the silent treatment. So it's a bit contradictory to get bent all out of shape when someone seemingly does it to me. I admit that. Still drives me crazy, though.
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Such as it is, later yesterday evening, I saw that she went back to like a comment I made on a different status update she posted on earlier in the week. I don't know the reason behind it, but I guess it's a backhanded way of saying that we're cool. And, by the way, she has yet to unfriend me. But it's still weird. And I still don't know if she's mad. And therefore I'm still on pins and needles on this.
For God's sake, why can't she just say something?
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