I FUCKING FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I failed a qualifying test at my test scoring place yesterday.  First time in my six years working, ever.

I knew that as soon as these tests went to written essays I'd be fucked.  It was a matter of time before even my test-taking skills would be no match.  See, there were three essays that I had a devil of a time scoring.  Two of them were really good, but I didn't know which one was better and so should have gotten the perfect score.  I decided to use game theory and just give both the same score so that I would at least get one of them correct.  Too bad I GOT BOTH OF THEM WRONG, GODDAMMIT.  And there was one fucking sentence that was better than I thought and I was told that she told me something about it, but I swear to fucking God she didn't say a goddamn thing about it, and so I failed.

This is humiliating.  I was at the back of the room, with the remedial losers, while the rest of the people (about 75% -- I was one of the quarter who fucking failed this) were having just a gay fucking old time in the front.  I was never in the average or slow room in elementary school, and now I know how that feels.  I never felt so inadequate, so emasculated, in my life.  I pride myself on being able to take tests, so this is absolutely devastating to me.

Ever since I looked at my results I have had this urge to throw things and to yell.  Obviously I can't do that.  But that goes back to my usual feelings of being the only person on Earth who feels a certain way.  I mean, the other people who failed around me don't seem to sweat it.  Don't they understand that they're -- we're -- all inferior now?  That we couldn't do what three-quarters of the rest of the room were able to do?  Doesn't that embarrass you?  It embarrasses the fuck out of me.  In fact, this makes me question, again, why the hell I left my old scoring job.  At least I passed over there!

Apparently there going to give us one more chance.  Shit, after I fucking washed out yesterday I have no idea if I'm going to pass this one.  And it doesn't matter even if I did pass this one because I didn't pass the first time, so my perfect record, my reputation of mastering everything, is fucking ruined.  Why even show up?  I'm serious; there are three dozen people who knew this material better than I, and so they are the ones who get it.  I don't.  I probably never will.

Oh, and my career with these guys, such as it is, is over.  You can't have an immediate supervisor who flunks a goddamn test.  Fuck, I wouldn't hire me.

I am absolutely ashamed.  And I have no choice but to march back into the same place where I made a goddamn fool of myself yesterday.  God, I hate myself right now.