Being Able To Relax Is Over

Father comes home in the morning.  Mother's picking him up.  I will be long gone by the time they come home.

I am angry and resigned and melancholy.  The past couple days I've shoveled all the shit he complains about into bags, all of which I have thrown into storage last (Tuesday) evening.  After that and getting gas, I celebrated "my last day of freedom" (as I often do in the night before my parents come home) by going to Caffetto and tooling around my (very slow) computer and then going to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition) to get a lapdance.

There are still a bunch of things I could do that, if I don't do them, will incur My Fucking Father's wrath.  There's still a lot of stuff in my room, no matter how much I remove them from sight.  I surely haven't dusted my bedroom.  And even though I made a laundry run on Saturday night, I still have a pile of clothes I know he'll want to throw into the washing machine (regardless that they have different wash and dry settings) as soon as he gets home.  And he'll probably scrub my floor too, and then give a thorough cleaning to the bathroom.  And then he'll yell at me for not doing any of those things while he's been gone, and then he'll follow up with, "Why aren't you going back to school?" and shit like that.

I can't win no matter what I do.  So I do what I think is the most important stuff that I can do, which are the papers and hanging up my clothes, and then fuck the rest because I don't have the energy to do anything about it, so I'll just absorb the verbal abuse.  It's what I've learned to cope.  But I won't absorb it until after I get back tonight, which I am putting off as much as I can.  I have an excuse: I am up for a job, but I have to take these online tests, and it's best to do them in a computer that isn't slow -- i.e. one at the library, not mine.

I have to confess: I have wondered what my life would be like once my parents died.  And honestly, if my old man died, I don't think I'd be sad.  In many ways, in fact, I'll be relieved.  And our rocky relationship is a reason why I would feel that way.

Being able to relax is over.  Now, wish me luck.