It is was getting kind of crowded at home with my sister and brother-in-law back. And there was a huge adjustment accounting for two extra people who know a lot more about what I do behind closed doors. It was kind of weird to share a bathroom again, and I kind of held my nose when taking a shower fearing I would, uh, smell their bare essence, in particular my brother-in-law's, because I think it's kind of skeevy.
In fact, I'll be honest: It is getting more difficult to accept that my brother-in-law is a full-fledged part of the family. He's a great guy, and I know he will support and protect my sis, which is all I need him to do. (Come to think of it, my sister needs to thank her lucky stars, because she is the one who married up. My brother too, but that might be another topic for another time.) But as I hope to detail in the years ahead about this trip, the barrier between the blood family and the relations family still exists and is still tall and strong. And it exists within me, too. It was hard to open up and feel totally relaxed with him around. He has not been with us since Day One, whatever that means. He does not know all of our secrets, although I'm sure my sister has caught him up on the family dynamic. And, I'm afraid, that fact that he's white and we're not Chinese is still something I need to work very hard to overcome. My brother-in-law has been open enough to look outside his country and his race to pledge his undying devotion to my sister, and I have to work hard to respond in kind to him.
Yet, after two weeks (one spent cooped up together in a rented minivan), they're off, back to the continent of Europe. And now it's back to where it was two weeks ago ... and it feels weird. I haven't gotten used to everything in two weeks, but this too feels like an adjustment. Moreover, I feel kind of scared because now it's just my parents and me -- no, my parents vs. me. And without fail, they go back to the find a new job/when are you going back to school haranguing after we get back from a vacation, like it's causal, like they're saying, "OK, I've given you your fun -- when are you going to shape up?" That's one of the main reasons why I don't like going on vacation with them: They feel like I now owe them. And ... I don't want to feel like I owe them.
You know, this sounds like I no longer feel safe in my house. I feel attacked, but I don't feel unsafe, if that makes any sense. It just would help to have someone who I can talk to -- not necessarily about my parents, but just about things in general. And I had two of them. But now they're gone, and I have to go back to the normal I had trouble adjusting from.
(shrugs)
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