Thursday, March 11, 2021

I'm A Porn Addict, Again

This week has been a bit rough.  Not as bad as I feared when it began (it helps when your supervisor calls in sick and thus isn't there to point out your mistakes or re-train you in things you think you already know), but it has been long, although much of it being long has to do with waking up early both Tuesday (at 3:30!!!) and yesterday (4:45!!) morning to come in to work and take advantage of overtime.  That has stirred in me a bit of ... uh, tension, let's just say.  Add to it my nearly year-long withdrawal from going to strip clubs (though, to be fair, it has not been a year of not of seeing strippers in other ways), and, well, this evening I felt the need to ... release that tension.

Have you heard of OnlyFans?  I might be rehashing stuff I've already blog posted here, but anyway: OnlyFans is basically membership porn.  You sign up for a monthly subscription to this person, the vast majority of which are women who will pose nude and do sexual things for you in exchange.  I first heard about it in my nom de porn Twitter account when I saw a tweet from a porn star who tweeted basically the same message over and over: "'x' more people just subscribed to my OnlyFans account!"  I then saw that a few hot babes who I patronized on Patreon to see their smutty stuff (which I migrated to after they advertised on Facebook, on which I became friends just by taking advantage of Facebook's suggestion algorithm) had to leave that site because it tightened its restrictions on content.  They went, seemingly at once, onto OnlyFans, or OF.  And has been documented, the economic lockdown due to the pandemic -- basically one year old today -- cost a lot of people jobs, and many hot, young women resorted to OF just to make some money.

As with all things on the Internet, and all things porn, I went down a rabbit hole -- one look just wasn't enough.  I patronized one person, then OnlyFans' suggestions convinced me that I should take a gander at this hot babe.  Some of them hold sales on their memberships, and so I take advantage of them to see their goods.  And some have free sites as well as paid sites.  I follow their free site, but then get bombarded by messages on my OF Inbox account where they ask for money to "unlock" pictures and videos they sent you.

I had resisted for a long, long time.  Then a couple months ago (I think) I saw this message from this hot woman with a bangin' body who said she had a juicy video and the cost to unlock it was very, very reasonable.  So I bit; I charged the credit card I have on file with OnlyFans to unlock it.  And what I saw was this woman, whose big breasts I could now see, sucking the dick of what I guess is her boyfriend for three minutes until he came.  It was worth it.  And that's how I got sucked in.

I have given myself a monetary maximum, although it has lifted from ten bucks to 15.  Anything more I will not pay.  Anything less ... I sometimes give it a shot.  Frankly, it has been more miss than hit.  I have seen a lot of teaser shots and videos, mostly girls showing off their fine asses in thongs, or not wearing anything up top but pressing their arms against their breasts so hard I wonder how their breasts don't turn purple.  To be frank, if I charging to my credit card, I expect to see nudity, and I have been burned by many bad decisions in the past, so much so that, and this may be kind of weak, I have de-followed a couple of women for being nothing more than teases.

But still I pay.  It's more horniness than optimism, to be fair.  But last night was a tipping point.  I woke up early for work, missed a phone call I was supposed to field right after work, it was raining and raw, and even though I was tired, my nap really didn't refresh me.  Usually at a time like this, I would want to do one of the things I had compiled in my mental checklist -- e-mail this person, go through my receipts or my envelopes, clean up my room.  But usually that doesn't happen.  Usually I hit the porn.  And I did this time.

Only this time I went back to OF, which I had not visited in a couple days.  Every single time I now go to that site I buy something.  I now coordinate my days when I go on OnlyFans; if I use the credit card on file during the day to get, like, coffee or something, I permit myself to go to OF and buy stuff.  That's what happened last night, but last night I bought more pictures and videos than I had ever done there before.  I felt the need to rub one out after such a long day and week, but I had a passing thought that I am spending my OT money on buying pic after vid after pic after vid, so I'll come out even in the end.  Uh, I don't think so; after I shook myself out of my porn obsession, I went back and totaled up everything I unlocked, and it came close to $60.  I may have spent a third of that when I've been on OnlyFans, but not $60 at a time.  And in more than half the stuff the girls weren't showing anything anyway, stupid me.

Despite being duped, and even though I am in a good place financially right now, I can totally see myself losing all control and spending way more than $60 on OnlyFans.  That would put me, I think, in a similar position to The Before Times, where I was making money but continually shelling it out because I went to strip clubs or parties where I would pay a shit ton of money to get my fuck on with strippers.  I wondered if the pandemic and ensuing lockdown would either make me grow up or get tired of pornography.  Frankly, me spending so much money on porn last night makes me think I haven't, and I won't.  Ever.

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