Some Narcissism Is Healthy

So I got into work yesterday/Monday and got hit with a triple punch of stuff that cheezed me off.  First, I got in (technically) a minute late, a factor mainly because of some rare-for-post-pandemic Monday morning traffic, although I didn't have a good night's rest and was late getting out the door.  I burned my hand getting coffee; that damn vending machine nozzle is still so gunked up the coffee sprays out all askew.

But what really grinded my gears was yet another "this is how you fucked up" e-mail from my boss.  Now, I don't want to say that he's mean.  He wasn't, and I understand he was doing his job.  I guess this is my fault and thus my responsibility to do better.  Still, I don't take criticism well.  There were two things I did wrong.  Without getting into specifics, one was a case where I was too cautious when it turns out I didn't have to.  This particular situation should have raised a red flag under a condition I flat-out don't understand, and I think I need to take this up with my supervisor.  The other one was some out-of-nowhere situation that came to me via e-mail, and it might as well have been in Tagalog.  I know that when I have asked my supe about e-mails that come out of the blue, she has often told me to not worry about.  Well, my boss told me I should have done something about it.  That is new as hell to me, so new that I am liable to do it again.  So he then brought up the catch-all solution, which is basically, "If you see something you don't understand, tell one of us."  OK.  Like I said, I have had success just ignoring something because it didn't feel as though it concerned me, but fine.

My ire was raised because I have been told to worry about something I had no idea I needed to worry.  That unfairness really got to me yesterday morning.  I realized I was spiraling into some bad thoughts that I had to snap myself out of.  Then I remembered that I had a job to do (even though, for the record, I had very little work for a Monday.  I got out of there about a half-hour over shift.  I have never done that before on a Monday).  And then I looked over at my supervisor, who was filling in herself.  She was CC'd on this e-mail, and I thought that if these two matters were important enough, she would reinforce what my boss said.  But no, she was just minding her own business.  And that's when I realized that, well, I didn't have to give a fuck about this e-mail if I didn't want to.  Shit, I could just ignore it if I wanted.  And that's when I calmed down.

I think back at all the times I received e-mails from my boss or, well, lectures from my supervisor about what I did wrong in The Fourth Department.  And it would always get my dander up and bring me down.  Sometimes it would affect me all day.  But going on five years total in this job (and maybe three doing work back there), I haven't been fired yet.  I get into this dark place after receiving criticism where I have the mindset of, "Well, if they think I do a shitty job, then I might as well save me any stress and continue to be shitty at it, and if they fire me, fuck it!"  I continue to think that someone -- maybe my boss, maybe someone above him -- is keeping score of my mistakes, and then one day the accumulation of those fuck-ups will reach a point where my boss will just have to shitcan me.  But that hasn't happened yet.  So why am I sweating this?

And beyond that, just ignoring these communiques as if they never existed may be a form of survival.  I think there is some credence that if you think you won't do a good job, you won't do a good job.  Could the converse be true?  Thinking you will do a good job is a positive mindset, and I think (or at least I believe) that thinking positively will lead to better work, not to mention a better day for you at work.  It is thus tempting, then, to not even think about the negativity brought on by corrective e-mails such as the one I got -- "Nope, my boss didn't send it!  Didn't happen!  It's out of my mind ... what do I do next?"  There is an obliviousness, maybe even an arrogance, to thinking you haven't done anything wrong.  But maybe that's how I should think in order to be both productive and happy.

(By the way, later that morning I realized that my boss is off for most of the week.  Don't have to see him until Friday, and by then, assuming I keep my positive mindset, I would've forgotten about all this.)

That frame of mind might only last until the next e-mail I get from him on how I screwed up, and it might be a mistake he said I've done before.  But I don't think it's productive getting all upset and seething about those criticisms, especially if it doesn't look like I'll lose my job over it.  So why in the hell am I beating myself up?  I think it's healthier for me to act as if I'm doing nothing wrong, like a narcissist!