The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  Honestly, this Week, I can't really figure out the top team for this Week's Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey, because they all sucked.  So, I had to go through process of elimination.  I mean, someone has to top this list every Week.

So the Timberwolves can't be it; they ended their season with a thud and all fans should be shitting their pants as to what happens next.  The Twins are underachieving.  The Loons are becoming who many of us thought they were all along.  The Wild finally got put down like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth.  And I sure as shit couldn't give it to the U. softballers.

Therefore, for no other (nor good) reason, the University of Minnesota baseball team, which lost two-of-three in Michigan over the weekend, are at the head of this sorry-ass list, mostly because they drubbed North Dakota St. at Siebert on Tuesday, 11-3, to finish 2-2 for the Week.  That's absolutely fucking gangbusters for this Week, so congratulations to a team who's 3-6 in the league and 14-16 overall on this great accomplishment!

They are supposed to start a seven-Game homestand with one-offs versus both Dakota St.'s (North tomorrow/Tuesday, South Wednesday), but I doubt that's going to happen because a storm is putting the state underwater.  Then Indiana comes to town for a three-Game set.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: 0).  So the Woofie Dogs went into the final Game of the regular season tied with Denver and The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics.  Depending on results, they could get the top seed in The Western Conference or drop all the way to third.

Guess what fucking happened?  Remember, this is The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey.  This is not a survey of some state that actually sees success from their sports teams.  While the Bastard Sonics destroyed Dallas in Oklahoma City and Denver went to Memphis and beat The Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies easily, the Woofs hosted Phoenix ... and was doubled up, 44-22, after one Quarter.  They lost by 19.  Yes, the Suns had much to play for; they avoided the Play-In with the Win.  But it has always been fucking like this for every goddamn Twin Cities team the past two Decades: When there's an important Game against a very good team, the Minnesota team always fucking pisses down their leg.

Now, to be fair, losing out on the 1- or even 2-Seed isn't the worst thing in the world.  You have to worry about matchups.  In the playoffs, I am worried about a team like, oh, The Bastard Cincinnati Royals/Omaha-Kansas City Kings because they pose issues for the Woofs.  Or, for that matter, Phoenix, who have played very well against them all Year.  So the third-seeded T-Woofs play the 6-seeded ... Phoenix Suns, who just murdered them at Target Center yesterday/Sunday afternoon.

They're gonna get swept.  What a fucking waste of a season.

#-3: Twins (Last Week: -3).  And I still have to put the Woofie Dogs on top of most of the teams this screening Week.  That's how shitty this sports town is.  The Twinks went 3-4 for the Week.  They lost two-of-three at home to the Dodgers, then split a four-Game series in Detroit.  They swept a rainout-precipitated Doubleheader Saturday, but I was listening on the radio yesterday/Sunday afternoon in the bottom of the Eighth Inning where they had a 3-0 lead and coughed up four Runs and the Game.  (Luckily I turned away from WCCO after the Tigers tied the tilt.)

These guys winning the A. L. Central was considered a fait accompli.  But even though it's half a month into the regular season, these Twinks are 3 1/2 Games behind supposedly piss-poor and rebuilding Cleveland for the lead (and remember that the Guardians have lost Shane Beiber for the season).  There is something seriously, seriously wrong with this squad right now.

At Baltimore for three, then home to said Tigers beginning Friday.

#-4: United FC (Last Week: -1).  So the men's college hockey national Championship Game was Saturday at 5 p.m., which is a little earlier than I remember that contest normally starting.  That convinced me to delist my ticket to the Loons' Match vs. Houston at Allianz Field.  Although that Match started at 7:30, I figured I could park in the neighborhood at Midway, light rail it to the X, light rail it back and make it in time to catch the Second Half.  And I entered the stadium right at the beginning of Halftime.

And I was greeted to a 1-0 deficit.  Franco Fragapane (who is starting to grow on me as one of those role players who become a sort of folk hero) deposited a Robin Lod centering feed to tie the Game in the 70th Minute.  But Wil Trapp (who, while I hear is a great guy, has made too many damn mistakes as a Defensive Midfielder) made a dumb, dumb defensive miscue, allowing Dynamo Striker Sebastian Kowalczyk to race and hit a banger past Dayne St. Clair for the Game-winning Goal seven Minutes later.

The Loons, who once led The Western Conference, are dropping like a loon shot by a hunter.  They're now currently in seventh place, tied with three other clubs.  Not for nothing: Eric Ramsey won his first Match manning MNUFC, at home versus LAFC, but since has drawn once and lost twice.  Cameron Knowles, who served as a caretaker Manager for United FC while Ramsey was winding down his time with Manchester United, won twice and drew once.  Just sayin'.

At Charlotte Sunday evening.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -4).  OK, now the Mild are officially eliminated as of the previous screening Week.  This squad's predilection for looking bad against good teams was demonstrated in the extreme this past Week, as they got crushed in Colorado, 5-2 (the defeat that officially eliminated them), and in (Las) Vegas, 7-2.  Strong play from youngsters like Kirill Kaprizov and Matt Boldy and Brock Faber aside, maybe this team ... really sucks?  And will through next season, when they still will be constructing a team with $15 million than everyone else in the NHL?

At Los Angeles tonight/Monday night, then finally end this joke of a Year hosting Seattle Thursday.

#-6: Gopher softball (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  You have to be really shitty this Week to take the bottom spot in this Week's WMNSS.  And despite all the dreary futures for all the pro clubs, I'm throwing the Goofer softballers down here.  Even though they rampaged through their past two series, once they faced a step up in competition, like they did at Indiana over the weekend, they reverted to their mediocre recent history, getting swept by the Hoosiers.  The nadir of the series was the middle one, where they called the Game after five Innings and Indiana up 15-2.

The U., currently 21-18 overall and 7-5 in the B1G, play their annual midweek Doubleheader with Wisconsin; see, the schedule is so constricted and the two schools are so close that the Big Ten believes it's best to squeeze in two Games over one Day for these border rivals.  That DH will be at Cowles and take place ... well, Wednesday, when it's supposed to be raining cats and dogs.  They continue their six-Game homestand over the weekend when they play Rutgers for a trio.