Me And My Bright Ideas

So I had my screening for work this morning.  And I don't know if other companies do this -- I guess they do, otherwise our company is an outlier, and I can't imagine us being that -- but we get discounts for meeting certain metrics.  I think I've talked about this before, but those metrics both expanded and tightened up last year.  There are five of them, and meeting three of them gives you the full and maximum discount.  Filling out an attestation that you won't smoke is one.  Basically making sure you're not fat is another, and I think I meet that requirement through both my BMI calculation and the fact that my waist is less than 40 inches around.

What bothers me (again) are reaching the other three, which I think are high blood pressure, cholesterol, and A1C.  I think I got all but the HBP last year, but this is this year, and while I may have met these other three, I was scared that I wouldn't this year.  I noticed that weight affects all three of these metrics.  I also know that when I had to prepare for my colonoscopy screening a little more than a year ago at this time, the prep, which was to overload myself on Miralax to push all my waste out in the form of liquid, made me lose weight like nobody's business.  I weighed myself the day before my colonoscopy; I was at 162 pounds, and I don't remember the last time I was that light.

Yeah, you know where this is going, right?  Once I decided I wanted to do my screening while my parents were away on safari, I had this notion that I would blow out my colon again by prepping as if I were having another colonoscopy.  Wait, wait, wait -- OK, I didn't use that much Miralax.  It actually is funny, if you think about it, that nurses are telling you that it's OK to use Miralax in a way not recommended by Miralax.  I couldn't go that far.  Instead, I would follow instructions, namely to add a capful of Miralax to four-to-eight ounces of some drink, both Saturday and yesterday/Sunday.  I did my screening on a Monday because I wanted all weekend to do this and run to the bathroom if need be.  And if it all worked out, I would evacuate my bowels (though not to the extent of the violent liquid shits that came out of my asshole before my colonoscopy) and be able to go to the screening at a weight tiny enough that my cholesterol, my A1C, and maybe even my high blood pressure would look sterling ... without worrying I'd shit my pants on the way there.

Have to say, didn't happen.  My plan was to have some Miralax some time Saturday evening after I got home from working out.  But I came into work and left in the early evening, so I decided not to work out and instead go to Caffetto to work on my receipts.  I had some Miralax once I came home, then again Sunday evening.  I feel kind of bloated in my stomach, which I think Miralax says is normal.  But I haven't pooped at all since taking it.  I think the instructions say that it might take between one and seven days of using a capful daily for your bowels to loosen, but I no longer need to use it because the screening was this morning.  And to be honest -- and ironically, and TMI -- I was crapping like no one's business on Saturday.  I had a bloody Mary to drink while watching the U. S. women's Olympic soccer team take gold during the day on Saturday, then I stopped by Chipotle before heading into work, and that triggered a big bowel movement.  The red velvet cake and hot chocolate I had at Caffetto triggered another one.  I kind of thought I should have just kept doing what I was doing and I would be losing the weight I wanted to lose.  Instead, I took the Miralax and I got the opposite of what I wanted.

For the record, my blood pressure was too high this morning, so I hope my cholesterol and/or A1C is within limits.  But yeah, my plan didn't work.