And Now, The Five Best Commercials Of Super Bowl XLVII

5) Audi S6, "Prom":



A very subtle spot which, I believe, aired early in the game.  I don't think people thought it was great.  Neither did I.  But its storyline -- and it's rare for a commercial to have an actual storyline -- has kind of stayed with me ever since I saw it.  I was a scrawny kid in high school, and I was always jealous of the popular and beautiful kids at school.  The protagonist in the ad represents all of us.  He's just hoping to enjoy what seems to be a memorable night until his kind, understanding father lends his son his kick-ass Audi and (wittingly or unwittingly) gives him the confidence to make his prom truly memorable but having the balls to go up and plant a smooch on the prom queen.  So what if he got his ass kicked?  He had the balls to make a memory for himself.  And he survived the consequences because he's driving an Audi.

You know what?  I think I like Audis more now.

4) Kia Sorrento, "Space Babies"



It's the punchline that gets me.  This has your typical Super Bowl commercial foofooraw, and I usually hate that.  Neither do I like an ad that doesn't tell me where it's going, especially if I don't care for it.  But it gets me in the end when the child cuts through the father's bullcrap and starts to tell the truth about how babies are born.  I can sympathize with the cowardly way he weasels out of telling his son the truth about the birds and the bees by putting on "The Wheels On The Bus," even though I don't have kids and am not even close. And the tag line is perfect: "It Has An Answer For Everything."

3) Tide, "Miracle Stain":



I appreciate the story this commercial weaves.  Many ads for the Super Bowl try to be so outlandishly funny that they become unbelievable, at which point I just get turned off.  But this spot precisely parodies all those stories where the image of Jesus comes in the form of, say, a chip or a pattern on tree bark and takes the steps the guy who spilled the sauce that turned into the shape of Joe Montana in very plausible fashion.  And although the "secretly roots for the enemy" punchline is something I'm sure I've seen in other long-form commercials, this storyline was done so well that I didn't see it coming, so the tag felt organic and funny.

2) Anheuser-Busch, "Brotherhood" (extended online only version):



Tender, so tender that, I have to admit, it wanted to make me cry.  The passage of time is what gets me about this spot.  It's been about a year since my parents threw -- OK, maybe I should say took -- Grandmother out of the house and into a nursing home.  You want to spend every waking second with the people you love, and yet it still doesn't seem as if you spent enough time with them.  Because inevitably, they will leave.  You just hope they remember you -- and at the end of this beautiful commercial, the Clydesdale did.

I must say, however, that there are two glaring weaknesses with this ad.  First is the resolution, which is very sentimental but also very implausible.  When the Clydesdale (does he or she have a name yet?) goes running back to the trainer who raised him/her, we are anthropomorphizing (that's not a word, but go with me) the horse.  I half expected it to lift one of its legs to embrace the trainer with.  In fact, it kind of felt like the last episode of Friends, when Rachel decided not to leave for Europe and came back to Ross.  The other question I have is the music.  The advertisement is bittersweet, but isn't Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" too sad a tone for it?  There is nothing happy about that song (although don't get me wrong, it's a great song when you want to sit alone and pity yourself), but there is a hint of happiness at the end.  Nevertheless, these two drawbacks are substantially outweighed by the emotional wallop.

1) Dodge Ram, "God Made A Farmer":



OK, so this may not be realistic.  Esquire political columnist Charlie Pierce hated and in fact lambasted this commercial as woeful, anachronistic hackwork (at least I think that's what he said; I like the guy and his views on how idiotic and crazy Republicans are nowadays, but 55% of the time I can't understand a word he writes).  But I would rather cite Ken Tucker (late of Entertainment Weekly, where he rose to prominence, left, came back to when he wrote this piece and then has left again, I think).

I want to believe in the romanticism and the Middle-America-is-the-engine-that-runs-America, stiff upper lip/martyr image that this two-minute (now that's an epic commercial) visual poem, with a famous speech by radio legend Paul Harvey running underneath it like the infrastructure of a sturdy barn, wants to impart (and, let's be real, lash with a domestic truck).  But I am certain that Dodge's intentions are good.  And even all those cynics have to appreciate the beautiful shots (some of which, upon further viewings, is actually film; the birds, for example, slowly flap their wings).  Dodge commissioned ten photographers to capture high definition, even psychedelic, shots of farmers and their residences.  Honestly, my TV has never shown better images.  Also, the construction of the visuals combined with Harvey's powerful defense of the farmer (originally created for a convention of the Future Farmers Of America, which Dodge has pledged to donate money to for every view of this ad), tugged at so many viewers' heartstrings that the spot, as quiet and noble as our stereotypical image of the farmer, lingered even after play resumed.

This is the second straight year that a car commercial (it was Chrysler last year), featuring American iconography, pro-American values, narration by an American icon (Clint Eastwood, remember?) and a hushed, mournful but proud last stand to recognize what makes this country great, was the best ad of the Super Bowl.  The best commercials used to be funny.  But American commercials have done a good job of being funny in the last ten or twenty years.  Now, the best ones aren't funny but dare to carry a serious tone and message.  And that is absolutely awesome.

The Return Of The Missing Contractor

I wish I had blogged about the guy who was remodeling the rest of the house being gone, but I didn't know he was gone until he was gone for a while.  The last thing this contractor was supposed to do was put up the new shower for the master bathroom downstairs.  But one day, he didn't show up.  And he stayed missing.  I didn't talk about this peculiar absence with my folks because I don't want to talk to my folks.  But one day, during dinner, one of them blurted out that he had surgery and couldn't work.

I don't remember from that announcement how long it had been since he was working on the house, and it's killing me.  Because with no shower downstairs, my parents have had to shower upstairs for what feels like months.  That makes things at the home dicey.  Before I could have taken my shower whenever I wanted, but with three people needing to take a shower every day we have had to be a bit more vigilant about washing up.  That has often meant that I have showered as soon as I got home from work, which I hate to do.  It's also meant that both of my parents have come upstairs to shower, and it's kind of weird to see, for example, a tub trap filled with Mother's hair.  I feel as if I'm getting a peek into my parents' private sides, and I don't like that.  Also, I can't take a shit and read something for half an hour because they might want to take a shower.  And, since the bathroom is just across the way from my bedroom, I've had to make sure I keep my bedroom door shut in case My Fucking Father wants to look into it and judge that I need to clean it up.

But this morning I was woken up by what sounded like a drill.  Turns out he's back ... and neither of my parents told me.  I don't even know if they knew.  This is how half-ass an operation this has all been.  But the contractor's back, and I assume the downstairs shower will be done either today or tomorrow, and then they won't have to use my bathroom anymore and I can shit in peace.

I Think I'm Going To Lose My Job

This is the first time I have had to evaluate writing tests, and honestly it's driving me crazy.  There are several categories in which I have to grade these kids' papers.  My problem is that, to me, these categories are impossible to separate.  If I have to grade on what the kid is saying and then how good he says it, wouldn't it figure that what the kid says influences how good he says it, and vice versa?  And I also have to analyze each paper on its technicalities, and I say that also affects what is said and how it is said.

I have a supervisor.  He's a really great guy, really smart, very professional, really on-the-ball.  I like that in an authority figure in this capacity.  However, I have received many papers from him where he disagrees with the score I gave.  Now, I have been at this job for three seasons now and for every project I've worked on I have received the occasional regraded paper.  But not with the frequency, nor the unclear revisions, as I've had with these.  I guess it comes with the territory of evaluating a writing test for the first time, but I honestly am just as lost as to how to grade these papers as I was when I first started last week.  When I think I finally get a read on it and "grade it like everybody else is," here come more papers saying that I should do this instead.  Now I'm reduced to just measuring how long the kid wrote and grading it that way.  Let's see if more papers come tomorrow.

I really don't think this reflects well on myself.  If I don't stop or at least slow down these papers, I think my supervisor is going to recommend I not be assigned to more writing projects.  And I have to look at my predicament then glass-half-empty.  I was on math projects, but I've been put on this.  Why was I taken off of any math projects?  Was the company not happy with my performance with them?  Geez, if it wasn't happy with me then and if they won't be happy with me now ... well, that's it, I'm gone.  Fuck my life.

The Perfect Time Of Year To Sleep In My Car

These are the days I have to remember are good for the times I need to sleep in my car.  Times like now, when I have a job and don't get enough sleep at night.

I remember last year, when I was a test scorer and we were released on breaks and lunch.  I would go to my car to rest my eyes and hopefully fall asleep.  But last year my projects were in the middle of the summer, and even though I put rolled the windows down, it was too fucking hot for me to go unconscious.

Not so here, at least not now.  I have actually been sleeping in my car, comfortably, for about a month now. The sun is intense enough to warm the car to a temperature I feel good in, yet neither the sun nor the ambient temp outside is so hot that I cook.  So I've actually been able to rest in my car a lot -- at the theater, maybe a couple of times at the U., and for most of the past few days at the test scorer job (though not today, I'm not sure 'cause I don't remember).  The sun angle can be a problem; on my morning break the sun is still relatively low on the horizon and it goes through the passenger side of the car and thus my head.  But for lunch it's mostly behind me, and so I can pass out without feeling any distraction, which is awesome.

This will change, with the weather finally warming up, I think it will soon.  I soon must roll down the window because it'll just be too hot inside, and that will allow outside noise.  Plus I'll have to deal with the changing angles of the sun, not just through the day but through the days as the assignment rolls by.  And then, come Tax Day, I start my other test job position at a brand new place.  If I could get shade during the hottest part of the day there, that'd be perfect.  But if not, catching up on rest during the day might be a huge challenge.

It is rare that I get to actually fall asleep in my car even though I regularly try to do it.  I don't think I was able to rest in my car during my flu billing job once, maybe because it was too cold outside.  So I must relish, indulge and appreciate these days now, before sleeping in my car becomes impossible.

Excuse Me, What The Fuck?!?!?!

OK, so I'm at work, and I get up to use the break room to stretch and reset my eyes from staring at a computer.  I go back to the room but I have to turn a corner, and I almost run into this guy going the other way.  Happens all the time, right?  But instead of what people usually/are supposed to say, "'Scuse me," this fucking asshole says -- and remember that this guy is an adult -- "'Scuse you."  And with a smirk he walks past me.  And I'm all, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Maybe I'm overreacting.  Maybe this prick meant it as a joke.  But this is shit I said to people when I was a kid.  He isn't a kid, far from it.  So I think this fucking asshole really said that it was my fault we almost ran into each other.  What the fuck, man?!  Who says this in polite company?

And I couldn't stop thinking about this dirty douchenozzle when I got back to work.  How dare he say this was my fault?  And the worst thing about this is I was afraid of what would happen the next time we meet.  Is he going to try and say this again?  If so, how am I going to defend myself?

"'Scuse you!"  Seriously!

---

I get home and My Fucking Father has invaded my privacy once again.  This time I open up my bedroom door to see all the dirty clothes folded on my bed.  There was a pile of clothes that were dirty, but they did not need to be cleaned now.  But apparently My Fucking Father thought otherwise.  More likely he has nothing to do now that he's retired and so he thought it best to fucking get into my room and wash my clothes.  He probably did it wrong, using normal cycle for my gentle clothes and tumble-drying them on high when they need to be on low.  Thanks, man.  Seriously, what the fuck, man?!

The only saving grace: I'm glad I didn't put my jerk-off towel in the hamper.  Then he would've known that I have a jerk-off towel.  Asshole.

Now the downside: I have no time to put these clothes away.  I wouldn't put it past him to hang them up in my closet as a "favor" to me.  There he'll see all the shit I put in there so that he wouldn't see it in my bedroom.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!).

Behold, the best Twin Cities sports team I may ever experience in my lifetime.

It was cool to see them unfurl the banner for their 2012 championship the first game of the season way back in late September.  A week later it was cool to see them continue their frog-stomping ways; in those two games they crushed their opponents, Colgate and St. Cloud St., by a combined 14-1.

I was hopeful they would repeat.  Why at I didn't expect them to do is run the entire damn table.  So when I heard they made the Women's Frozen Four Final Friday evening, I went from the Metrodome (where I saw the University of Minnesota baseball team; more on them down the survey) to Ridder Arena to see if I could either scalp a ticket or find one thrown in the trash by a fan of one of the losing teams.  I was the only there that evening, holding up one finger, groveling for a ticket.  Alas, no dice.

I decided to make one last-ditch effort to go Sunday afternoon; just standing there asking for a ticket and hoping that a fan with a good heart would have an extra one.  But luckily I had told a friend of mine Saturday I was going to do so.  I didn't think much of it when he said, "I'll keep you posted" and when I texted him Sunday afternoon.  But as I was walking around Ridder and had one scalper offer me a single for, get this, $150 (one the one hand that's fucking outrageous, on the other hand it's good to see a non-revenue program that this much love and respect from scalpers) I saw my friend just standing outside.  I feel bad because he immediately texted me after I texted him; I put my phone on silent and didn't bother checking it because I didn't think he had a ticket.  But he did, God Bless him.  And we sat together to see the University of Minnesota women's hockey, taken to the edge in a 3-2 triple overtime tournament quarterfinal against North Dakota last week and a 3-2 OT triumph in the semifinal over Boston College Friday, have an easier time of it in beating Boston University 6-3.

It was, simply put, awesome.  All the players were great, but my friend and I were continually wowed by Amanda Kessel.  She is a one-woman wrecking crew, with speed to spare, ice vision that burned though the Terriers and a motor so relentless she oftentimes looked twice the player of anyone skating, on either team.  The fifth goal, where she waited at the point for her teammates to settle into position in front of the net, was all her; she managed to thread a pass in the congested slot to Maryanne Menefee's skate, which she somehow corralled onto her blade to pass behind her to Rachel Ramsey, who deposited it past Kerrin Sperry in the open net.  Sweet.  And, just between you and me, she's kind of cute, too!

We were both surprised that Kessel was not named Most Outstanding Player of the Women's Frozen Four. That honor went to Noora Raty

So they did it.  Back-to-back championships, and 41-0 -- 49 straight wins if you count back to last year.  Moreover, I can free this program of being in the WMNSS for yet another season.  Congratulations, ladies!!

#0: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Have I said yet that this is a good team?  This is a good team.  They won all three games this screening week, all in regulation, and are now riding a six-game winning streak, their longest in ... well, I've been looking all around and no one will tell me.  This franchise has historically blown, so I'll say it's been a long time.

What is even more impressive is that four of those wins have come on the road, each coming against a team they hadn't beaten in their place in some time.  It's like Al Pacino in The Godfather: "We are settling scores."

• They beat The Bastard Quebec Nordiques in Denver for the first time since last Groundhog Day;
• They beat the Vancouver Canucks in Vancouver for the first time since January 31, 2009, a span of 11 games there;
• They beat the Detroit Red Wings at Joe Louis Arena for the first time since January 3, 2006;
• And finally, on Monday, they beat The Bastard North Stars in Dallas for the first time since March 21, 2003 -- ten years, four days and 16 road games.

That they are ending increasingly longer road losing streaks to their rivals in order is absolutely fucking sweet.  And really, it's always a good day for me when the Wild beat the Bastard North Stars.  And defeating them in fuckin' Dallas?  I had to give them a #0, and I would give them Positive Numbers if not for the Gopher women's hockey team.  But the way this team is playing, I'll probably give them Positive Numbers for the next WMNSS.  Their schedule this week is daunting: Home to Phoenix, yet another game in Dallas against The Bastard North Stars, then back home to face Los Angeles and St. Louis.  But with this team back atop the Northwest Division, I wouldn't bet against them breaking their franchise record winning streak of nine games this time next week.

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  OK, so it would have been nice to win the Broadmoor Trophy in the last Western Conference Hockey Association Tournament the U. would ever play in.  But they apparently were non-competitive in losing at St. Paul to Colorado College Friday, 2-0.  Upon further reflection, it doesn't matter.  Since the system college hockey uses to select and seed the 16-team NCAA Tournament, the PairWise Rankings, had them safely ensconced in second place, and since it is both automated and total, they were assured they would be the top team in their four-team pod regardless of what happened in the WCHA Final Five.  Besides, conference tournaments don't matter.  The regular season matters ... until it's over.  And now hockey's version of the Big Dance matters.

On Selection Sunday the Gophers were placed in the West Regional and they will face off with Yale Friday afternoon in Grand Rapids, Mich.  Win that and they will play Saturday afternoon against either Niagara or ... my God, wouldn't it be something ... North Dakota.  Really, there is no more WCHA play now.  But goddamn, one more grudge match between these longtime bitter rivals before heading off in separate ways and into separate conferences, with the winner eliminating the loser?  I wish I could see it on TV.  Wait ... maybe I could see it on First Row Sports?


#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  Let me say this before I forget: The one saving grace about this season is that some Woofie Dog games are on over-the-air TV.  I don't know whether this was a thoroughly thought-out contract or a rush job like I recall reading in the paper, but many weekend games are being broadcast on My29.  Now, with this season being the dumpster fire it is, maybe I would rather not want to watch the games.  But really, with the trend of teams housing their games exclusively on cable, where they can reap the money not only from cable network contracts but (assuming the people who own the team also own the cable network) subscriber money, it's time to see a team migrating the other way and airing their games free for all.

Oh, to the games.  A win (a convincing 31-point win) in Phoenix was sandwiched between loses at lowly Sacramento (who appears to be staying in Sacto, and good for them; Seattle, you are better than this -- you cannot do to Sacramento what Oklahoma City did to you) and at home to Chicago.  I am trying as best as I can to finish this WMNSS before I have to take into account their game in Detroit that's going on right now ... and just before I publish this I see that the Wolves just beat the hell out of the Pistons, 105-82.  That puts them at .500 for this "screening week," and therefore I have to put these guys above the University of Minnesota baseball on the fly.

There are still four games the Timberwolves have to play the rest of this week.  Fortunately, all of them are at home.  Unfortunately, those games are against the Lakers, Thunder, Grizzlies and Celtics.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -7).  So I finally made it back to a U. baseball game at the Metrodome on Friday after missing a hell of a game last Friday against the pitcher who probably will be picked second in the MLB Draft this summer and a no-hitter the Friday before.  The hurler of said no-hitter, the Gophers' Tom Windle, was pitching this past Friday as they hosted Texas for the first time in program history.  I saw Windle three Fridays before when he was relieved after 4 1/3 innings and took a loss to Dartmouth.

Well, I didn't see a great game nor a no-hitter.  But I finally saw the greatness and promise that makes him a potential late-first round pick.  Hello, Mr. Windle: A complete game win over the Longhorns, throwing 119 pitches, allowing only one earned run on five hits, no walks, and a dozen strikeouts.  I think I have said once before that the most dominant pitching performance I have ever seen by a Gopher was Glen Perkins when he struck out (I believe) a baker's dozen in a tight 2-1 victory over Iowa in the old Siebert Field.  The last of his K's caught the Hawkeye looking with the tying run (and go-ahead run?) in scoring position.  This was just as good, although with the Gophers winning 5-1 his excellence wasn't necessarily needed.

However, the team could have used him the last two games of their series with Texas, defeats of 5-4 (in ten innings) and 6-3.  However, the team traveled to Kansas St. for a midweek two-game series against the Wildcats.  I was lucky to be working out Wednesday afternoon and stumbled upon the rarest of things, live sports in the afternoon, when Fox Sports North was airing the getaway game of their double dip.  The Gophers were leading by the time I left; unfortunately they eventually lost, 4-3.  But at least they won the first game, 8-3, so they finished 2-3 for the week.

They have final non-conference game, tomorrow (Wednesday) against South Dakota St., before they start Big Ten play with a three-game series at Michigan.

#-Infinity (tie): Gopher wrestling, Gopher women's basketball and Gopher men's basketball (Re-Entry; Last Week: -6 and -8, respectively).

OK, let me bang out the ends of these U. seasons quick.  Congratulations to Tony Nelson, who defended his title has champion at Heavyweight at the NCAA Wrestling Championships this past weekend.  Unfortunately no other Gopher grappler even made it to the final as the U. wound up third.  Penn St. three-peated and Oklahoma St. finished second.  I swear that's been the finishing order the past three years.  I guess you can't improve on this, but is the U. destined to finish third every year in perpetuity?

As for Tubby Smith ... now that the wake in his firing has started, I feel kind of bad for him.  Everybody has been saying that he is a may of integrity and that college basketball needs more people like him.  It is true that he kept this program clean a generation after a bad academic scandal.  It's also true that he underwhelmed in his six years at the U., only winning his first NCAA Tournament game Friday in crushing UCLA (who fired its coach, Ben Howland, a day before Minnesota canned Smith.  I think I said in last week's survey that both guys would eventually be cashiered).

Detractors say that Gopher fans will rue the day Minnesota Athletic Director Norwood Teague fired Smith, that he was the best coach a program like the U. could ever hope for and that the guy who replaces him won't be half as good as he was.  I say that may very well be true.  But I also have to ask if just being good enough is good enough, whether just racking up 20-win seasons and one-and-done appearances in the Big Dance is good enough.  I don't think so.  Being elite may be a pipe dream, but in the world of big-time college athletics, just being OK is pathetic.

By the way, the coaching pipe dream is VCU's Shaka Smart.  A more realistic choice is adopted hometown son Flip Saunders.  The clubhouse favorite from these quarters: Dwayne Stephens, Assistant Coach at Michigan St.

Oh, will there be any talk to shit-canning Pam Borton?  The U. women ballers lost in the first round of the Women's NIT, at home, to Ball St., 75-71, on an incredibly busy Friday at the U.  (The Gopher women's basketball and men's hockey teams lost, the Gopher men's basketball and women's hockey teams won, and the Gopher wrestling team maintained third place in Des Moines, Iowa.)  Guess they can't fire her now that Teague fired Borton, but seriously, isn't it time?

Since I Have To Get Up Early For Work In The Morning, I'm Going To Toss Off This Quick Thing That Happened

So I get home from the University of Minnesota women's hockey championship, stopping by to see The Store (should talk about this soon), eating Taco Bell and working out at the gym at around 10.  Father was upstairs; he still looks like crap from cataract surgery, but it looks like he can see.

I go take a bath and shower at midnight.  In the bathroom I hear My Father going back up to the kitchen.  Thought he was asleep.  Oh well, he wants me to wash myself every day, so I'm going just have to turn the water on.

After I get done and leave the bathroom, I see that I left my bedroom door ajar and my nightlight on.  I thought my parents were asleep downstairs.  But My Fucking Father never is asleep.  And since he can now see (I should talk about the cataracts sometime soon as well), he could see the piles of clothes I threw on my bed and the piles of papers I threw onto the floor.  Therefore, one of these days, one real soon, he's going to nag at me again: "You need to clean up your room!"

Fucking Christ.  Why didn't I just turn out the light and close my door?

On The Whole, I Would Rather Be In Detroit

Today marks the Mason Cup Final, the trophy given to the champion of the tournament held by the Central Collegiate Hockey Association, the CCHA.  It is a bittersweet one because this will be the very last Mason Cup Final ever.  After Sunday afternoon's game between Notre Dame and Michigan, the CCHA will cease to exist.

There has been a lot of talk of how realignment has ravaged conferences and rivalries because of the thirst for money made off of college football, but there is a similar, if separate, sea change that has happened in hockey.  It's a regional sport and much fewer programs make money off of it, but it's a niche sport that has a devoted following from their fanbases, many of whom grew up watching, if not playing, hockey.

The CCHA began in 1971, grew to have up to a dozen teams (including big-time programs Michigan, Michigan St. and Notre Dame), and had ten NCAA championships from its ranks.  But then a man by the name of Tom Pegula, an oil magnate, retired, cashed in his stock, and decided to change the world by fully vesting a varsity hockey team for his alma mater, Penn St. (as well as buy the Buffalo Sabers).

That triggered a wave of conference jumping that, for its size, is just as seismic as all the moves in football, although the changes will happen orderly and at once.  The Nittany Lions became the sixth team from the Big Ten Conference to sponsor hockey (which officially began life as a varsity program this year), the conference, either because the member schools agreed to it or because it just makes sense, now said it had enough teams to create a Big Ten Conference for hockey.  That means that Minnesota and Wisconsin would leave the WCHA, where they had been for decades, and the Wolverines, Spartans and Buckeyes will ditch the CCHA after, respectively, 32, 32 and 40 (non-consecutive) years.

Since all the big programs are now joining together, all the little, non-brand names in college sports (though not necessarily in hockey) didn't have the huge schools that would visit and pique the interest of the casual fans to spend money to go see them.  That left a next tier of eight successful, profitable programs to ditch the W- and C-CHAs to form their own conference, the absolutely bland-sounding National Collegiate Hockey Conference, or NCHC.  Two of those eight come from the CCHA, Miami and Western Michigan.

With all those defections, the CCHA, which had been at 11 teams since the 2010-1 season, was now down to six.  And when Notre Dame decided to bolt for Hockey East, there were too few teams to keep a CCHA going.  The desperate measure was for the CCHA to poach the remaining four schools from the WCHA.  But, under circumstances I still don't know, the deal was for the last CCHA teams to jump ship for the WCHA and for the CCHA, which was the conference for the Great Lakes region of the United States and was based in Detroit, to shut down at the end of this season.

I say all of this because that -- the history, the cirumstances of the conference's death -- is the reason I wanted to get a credential and cover the Mason Cup Semifinals and Final being held at the Motor City's Joe Louis Arena Saturday and Sunday.  I wanted to be there for a sports organization's last breaths.  You don't see the end of a conference all that often, and I had planned to get a feel for the nostalgia and sentimentality, any emotions this last hurrah might trigger, even (if I were ambitious) to see the nuts and bolts that goes into euthanizing a sports conference.

But I couldn't.  Because, as I had said in some previous blog posts, I didn't have the money.  Man, I keep going back to my flu biller position, which I thought I would go back to after the New Year.  If my supervisor had kept his word, I would have been there for up to six more weeks.  I calculated that would be about $2,100 -- more than enough to pay for my car repairs and still have enough to shell out a few hundred dollars for a bus trip, hotel and car to stay in D-Town for a few days (and maybe go to one or two of the area's notorious stripclubs, too).  But I wasn't hired back, I have had to starve my checking account just to keep out with my credit card bills (which I'm not doing), and I didn't think it was feasible to go.  That my test reader job began Friday, finally giving me a line of work, sealed my decision to pass up marking a piece of history with my own eyes.

So instead of taking the Megabus to and from there, seeing a part of the United States still dealing with winter, and then seeing what has happened to a once proud, now decrepit city, I had to occupy my time here.  It wasn't all bad; I started my job Friday; today (Saturday) I helped out with my annual day of charity work, chatted up a few members of the alumni club, went to a roller derby bout (well, let me take that back; I got pissed off because the Minnesota RollerGirls, supposedly ranked eighth in the country, got the ever-loving shit kicked out of them by the [Austin] Texas Roller Derby Texecutioners by, like, 300-150 -- yeah, they got doubled up at home.  It was so bad that I had to leave with about 20 minutes left in the game; I chose not to be witness to such an embarrassing slaughter); and tomorrow (Sunday) I will camp outside Ridder Arena and grovel for a ticket to see the women's college hockey final and see, possibly, the U. win their second straight national title and go undefeated in the process.

So you see it's not all a waste.  But paraphrasing W.C. Fields, on the whole, I would rather be in Detroit.

Expenses Without Receipt

Oh shit, the last time I did this it was February 16.  Fine -- starting from Friday, March 22:

• The only thing I shelled out money for (I'm back to relying on my goddamn credit card again) Friday was for a program for the University of Minnesota baseball game: $1.
• Thursday the 21st ... I went to Shameless Inc. to purchase a ticket to Saturday's Minnesota RollerGirls derby special, St. Paul vs. Texas.  Should've asked my friend if she had a spare ticket, but too late: $13.
• Wednesday the 20th: Caffetto.  Since I was working my bracket and writing my sports column, I indulged with a piece of strawberry cheesecake along with my coffee.  With tip: $5.75.
• Tuesday the 19th -- shit, did I use my credit card or money to watch Warm Bodies?  I think I paid cash.  Anyway, this is a boring story I have to get off my chest: I was planning on watching Warm Bodies the week before, but for some reason last week they started moving up the first showings of the day from the 1 o'clock hour to noon.  I saw this on their website, but I thought it had to have been a typo or it had something to do with Daylight Saving Time, so I ignored it.  I shouldn't have, but I thought it was too late to watch Warm Bodies since it's been out in theaters for some time now and it didn't seem like the box office was going to keep them in theaters past the Friday before.  But they did, and I thought that was a sign I needed to catch this flick.  And good thing I did: It's a nice, lovely, cute story about a zombie who falls in love.  I love the redemption at the end.  A-?  Ticket, popcorn and pop: $9.25.
• Monday the 18th was the day it was snowing and I decided to bring the car back to the mechanic because it was acting up again.  Did a lot of walking around the U.  The mechanic still didn't find anything, so I just went to the library and Cobalt Cafe for their Happy Hour large coffee.  With tip: $1.25.
• Didn't spend anything on my birthday; just went to the Car Show ... Saturday everything I spent is accounted for, either through receipt or credit card ... and I think on Friday I charged everything.  So onward to Thursday the 14th -- Caffetto.  Since I didn't come back for dinner that night, I allowed myself a piece of chocolate cake along with coffee.  With a small tip because I ran out of quarters: $5.10.
• I used those quarters to park in downtown St. Paul to shop at Macy's: 75 cents.
• Monday the 11th ... Brookdale library, Cobalt Cafe, took advantage of their Happy Hour deal and got a buck of their large coffee.  For some reason, they calculate the tax at the regular price and then take off a buck instead of taking a buck off the regular price and then calculating the tax.  That's fucked up because it's more expensive this way.  With a dime tip: $1.25.
• I assume that I didn't spend any money Sunday, so I go back to Saturday the 9th.  Although I got there late, I decided to go into the Xcel Energy Center to catch the rest of the Class AA Boys' State Hockey Tournament Final.  Going there should be on every Minnesotan's bucket list.  Got a scalped ticket from a guy who was bringing his wife into the arena and had a spare ticket.  Tried to "haggle" him down to $5 because the game already started but he stayed firm so I shelled out: $10.
• Friday the 8th.  Caffetto: Coffee with tip: $1.75.
• McDonald's, where I finally got a Shamrock Shake.  When I was young I drank as many of those as I could.  I was obsessed, really obsessed with the fact that I was born on St. Patrick's Day, and so I thought eating Shamrock Shakes were my birthright, something I had to do.  They changed the formula some time ago, but I think it's much better now.  Even though I don't really have the money for it, I got a large for: $3.01.
• Thursday the 7th ... I started by going to St. Paul and seeing if I could buy some jeans cheap since the Macy's there is closing very soon.  Got Polo Ralph Laurens for about $35.  Later, I e-mailed my sister, the knowledgeable fashion plate, which of the available brands of jeans at Macy's I should buy. Unfortunately she didn't recommend the Ralph Laurens.  I'll tell her that if I see her face-to-face again.  I charged the jeans, even though I don't have the money for them.  The way I see it, I might not have the money now, but I will need new jeans, and is it really smart to wait to buy them if I can't get them this cheap?  I'm putting this down as an EWR because I paid cash to park on the street.  Well, coins, actually: 50 cents.
• I then went to Maverick's, like I said when I realized I forgot to vote in the Preposterous Statement Tournament, whose roast beef is considered to be the best in town.  Third time I've eaten here, second time I got the roast beef, first time I've been here in several years.  Honestly, I can't tell a difference between this and Arby's.  I was much more impressed by the buttered bun.  But Maverick's is way more expensive.  With tip: $9.25.
• Tuesday the 5th: After a bunch of hemming and hawing, I decide that I needed to spend some time watching a movie, even though none of the films being screened interested me.  Checking Rotten Tomatoes I decided to take a chance on the best-reviewed one available: Side Effects, supposedly Steven Soderbergh's final film.  Good thing I did: Side Effects is a fantastic, twisted movie, a Hitchcockian mindfuck that starts off as an indictment of the pharmaceutical industry and then goes sideways on you.  The reviewers who didn't like the flick imply they were misled.  I say, it's a goddamn movie, you let them take you where they want to take you, and you judge it on their terms.  Goddamn, this is a great movie.  I'll give it an A.  Ticket, popcorn and pop: $9.25.
• Monday, March 4 ... let's see ... before class I went to Lavvu to get some coffee.  With tip: $2.27.
• And that afternoon I went to Rosedale and, not having anything better to do than to contemplate my life and how the fuck I got here, I finally tried Caribou's version of oatmeal.  Just as good as Dunn Bros.' and a little cheaper, but smaller.  With tip: $2.75.
• I assume that all I did Sunday was work out, so I'll go to Saturday the 2nd ... I think my EWRs were for that night, starting with giving a tip after charging for a Surly at the Minnesota RollerGirls bout: $1.
• After that I went to Caffetto to chill with coffee.  With tip: $1.75.
• Friday the 1st.  I booked two experiments at the U. that day.  Got two gift certificates for $10 each in the first one.  Received an Infusion for the second one: $10.
• That evening I went to the Metrodome to see the first home game of the University of Minnesota baseball season.  Program, hot dog and Coke: $9.50.
• After that, Caffetto.  With tip: $1.75.
• ETA: Well, shit.  I just looked at my day planner and have a space for Dairy Queen, but no amount.  I'm pretty sure that I went to eat there because I picked up free tickets to the Minnesota Gopher baseball game that night.  I think I had planned on writing the amount down, but I didn't.  Fuck me.  I'll pull something out of my ass: $5.56
• You know, looking back on my Franklin Quest, I've been pretty good on the weekdays in not spending too much money.  It's just that when I do spend money, I spend money.  Have to go back to Tuesday, February 26 for Expenses Without Receipts.  First, while cooling my heels waiting for the mechanic to check out my car, I went over to the Overflow Cafe for coffee.  With tip: $2.03.
• And to cover the three cents I had to do something I've never done: Take one of my shiny new dimes out of storage (actually in my pants; if I store these coins I keep because they're new, I should take them out of my pants and put there where I actually store them, namely a cup on my desk).  Actually I  don't know if I used this dime this day or another day, but I fucking forgot.  Anyway: 10 cents.
• Then, like I mentioned before, when the mechanic couldn't find anything, he just asked to be tipped.  I emptied out my wallet for him.  I hope he's OK with only: $19.
• And then I went to see A Good Day To Die Hard (aka Die Hard 5) at the theater.  Verdict on the movie: Crap.  None of the charisma, none of the Swiss timing machinations of the bad guys, and it was really short, too.  Guess Bruce Willis is sentimental about playing John McClain -- he's a Pisces, after all -- but he could have at least asked for a better script when cashing in a huge paycheck from Hungary.  (I had to throw in that last fact because I stay for the credits, and all the names there were conspicuously Hungarian.  Have never seen so many Zoltans in my fucking life.)  C-, maybe even a D+.  Anyway, I wanted to celebrate the mechanic not finding anything with my car, and so I gave myself permission to charge everything to my credit card to watch the film.  But instead of the girl getting me popcorn and pop punching in four dollars ("4") in the credit card machine, she accidentally hit forty ("40").  And instead of trying to redo the transaction, she just offered to just give me the difference in cash.  First time it's ever happened to me.  I had to get to the movie, so I said yes, so I get an Infusion of: $36.
• Man, from this date on my memory's a fog.  This is what happens when I don't do EWRs more frequently.  We go to Friday the 22nd, where I had lunch at Noodles and Company on the way to an experiment at the U.  A lot of student-athletes from the Big Ten Swimming and Diving Championships were there.  Bumped into a bunch of huge bookbags in there, but it was awesome to see the logos and colors of all the other teams of the B1G.  Probably won't go back there for a while because of the cost of an otherwise tasty lunch: $6.66.
• Thursday the 21st.  I swear that I ate out this day.  But the only EWR I have is an Infusion from my last day at the hearing experiment: $20.
• Wednesday the 20th ... tried out this place called Toppers Pizza for the first time.  Not bad, but again, expensive.  I'm not saying McDonald's has five-star cuisine, but it's cheap!  Had no cash on me so I charged it, but I did have enough for a tip: 25 cents.
• Tuesday the 19th I stored pennies because they were virgin pennies: 3 cents.
• Monday, February 18.  Now I''m going back to the nether regions of my mind.  I may, may have gone to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition) after class at the U.  If so, then this is the last time I've been there, and that's a long fucking time.  Coffee and tips: $10.

Shit, this spans more than a month.  I hope I got everything.  Caught up through March 22.

Oh Shit, I'm Starting A Job Tomorrow

Caught up with all the excitement with the beginning of the tournament -- especially with finding an online site that lets me watch for free so I can circumvent CBS/Turner's shitty practice of putting games on pay TV -- it was past 11:30 when I realized that I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow.  Going back to the test reading job.  Hopefully it will be as good as it's ever been.  Too bad I won't have time to stay up or write now.

By the way, Thursday was so-so for me March Madness-wise.  I went a total of 9-7, but only one of my Sweet Sixteen is gone (that would be perennial tease Belmont).  That's better than I usually do.  However, I'm in this huge pool that, starting this year, could pay out, get this, $10,000 to the winner.  And with seven of my Round of 32 picks already incorrect, I know that there probably enough people who have fewer incorrect and thus have already beat me.  But hey, Harvard, huh?!

My NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Picks

Best time of the year, right?  Very quickly:

• Mandatory 12 over 5: Cal over UNLV
• First #1 to go: Kansas (upset by North Carolina in Round of 32)
• Cinderella(s): Well, if you only go by conference affiliation, tiny Belmont, a team that's been on the verge for a couple years, will finally reach the Sweet 16.  But if you're just looking at double-digit seeds, let me add two more: The aforementioned Cal and Oklahoma.
• Final Four: Louisville in the Midwest, Ohio St. in the West, Florida in the South, Indiana in the East
• Championship Game Prediction: Indiana over Louisville

Wasted Lottery Tickets

Last week I went through some papers that I stuck in my Franklin Quest day planner that got so voluminous I had to take it out because it wouldn't close -- mostly lottery tickets, although there are some sports tickets in there I keep as souvenirs.  That's where I saw that I had winning lottery tickets in there.  Winning?  I didn't think I had anymore.  But there are four of them, totaling $38.

Unfortunately, all of them are more than a year old, and rules say that you have only a year to claim your winnings.  I had to drive down all the way to MN Lottery offices yesterday to make absolutely sure, but she denied me, too.  So I have four tickets that have been languishing in my possession since 12/24/10 (Gopher 5, two entires of two winning numbers x $1 = $2), 8/10/11 (Hot Lotto, a line with three winning numbers with the Sizzler = $12), 1/27/12 (Mega Millions, a Mega Ball x a megaplier of 4 = $12) and 2/11/12 (Hot Lotto, an entry with two numbers plus the Mega Ball with the Sizzler = $12).

I could use those $38.  I need those $38, especially now.

I've always kept lottery tickets after I've won them.  I never immediately went out to get the money after I realized I won.  I've been too busy to check, and I always thought I'd be able to check at The Store.  Also, sometimes I "give" some winning tickets to The Store since I often printed out my lottery tickets there, where I scan it as a winner but not take out any money.  I think the state gave The Store credit for winners.  But now, in retrospect, it's stupid to keep them so long that I can't collect the money, and since it's been about a year since my parents gave back the lottery machine I obviously can't "credit" The Store any winning tickets.

I'm an idiot.  But I don't feel as bad as I should.  I'm just about broke, so why am I not angrier at myself?  A bunch of reasons, I guess:

• It's Tournament Time, and how pissed off can I be on the eve of The Greatest Three Weeks In American Sport?
• I'm battling a bad cold, which got a hell of a lot worse yesterday;
• I think I'm starting an assignment Friday;
• Everything checks out with the car again (and by the way, the mechanic charged me nothing to look it over a second time -- Van's Automotive, guys!);
• I have to worry about writing an NCAA Tournament Preview column that I'm not done yet;
• Oh, and I have to fill out my bracket;
• And moreso than all the above reasons, like I said, I had no idea I still had any winning tickets I hadn't cashed in yet.  OK, that's more of an excuse.  Right now, I'm in a good enough mood to take it.

One other thing: Looking through all these tickets I stumbled upon even more tickets.  However, these are still good, though barely; I guess I printed these out at The Store in late March, at most ten days before the cutoff date.  Unfortunately, most of them were losers; I've garnered a total of $9.  But it is $9 I didn't know I had, and if I didn't look through those tickets I could have wasted $47 instead of $38.  So I will cash these in, hopefully tonight, and I can comfort myself with knowing that I finally got around to going through my papers and at least caught these tickets just in time.

And I will have to throw those $38 in winning tickets away, like after I get done with this blog post.  I can't bare to see my shame and idiocy staring right back at me.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  It was too close for comfort (though not as close as the Gopher women's hockey team, who almost saw their undefeated canonization towards the NCAA Championship thwarted by North Dakota before pulling out the 3-2 win in triple overtime), but the U. male icers managed to give the home fans a pair of late-game heroics as they swept Bemidji St. and headed across the Mississippi to play in their final WCHA Final Five.

In Friday's Game 1 it looked like the Gophers were going to coast, relatively speaking, to a 1-0 win.  But the Beavers's Brance Orban snuck a rebound past Gophers Goalie Adam Wilcox with the empty net and 38 seconds to go in regulation to force overtime.  Those things can spark a team's momentum in the extra session, but late in OT Kyle Rau snuck a rebound past Beavers Goaltender Andrew Walsh for the game-winner.  (Give credit to Walsh; while Wilcox stopped only 17 shots, Walsh had to stonewall 49.)

Game 2 Saturday was going Bemidji St.'s way with a 3-1 lead late in the second period.  But Nate Condon scored with just over a minute left in the second, then 7 1/2 minutes into the third stanza A.J. Michaelson used a great deke-and-backhand (much like the one he used in tallying against Notre Dame) to tie the game. It looked like the fans were going to be treated to extra hockey for the second night in a row.  But then, just under a minute from the end of regulation, Ben Marshall surprised the Beaver backcheckers and skated through the offensive zone, wristing a backhand five-hole which just caught the net's corner and slid past the goal line for the game-winner and series-clincher, 4-3.

I wish those games were blowouts; it would serve as a certain indication that this team is head and shoulders above all the others in Division I.  Alas, anything can happen in the conference tournament at the X.  The U. has a bye to the semifinal game Friday evening against either North Dakota or Colorado College.  Win that and they get a chance to claim the Broadmoor Trophy Saturday night in their home area.

But really, win or lose they'll spot in the NCAA Tournament, replete with the 1-seed status in their four-team region, is set.  Oh, and by the way, they replaced Quinnipiac for the top spot in the USCHO.com poll this week, although the Bobcats still retain #1 in the USA Today/USA Hockey Magazine poll.

#-2: Swarm (Last Week: -7).  Wow, is that an ... ass-kicking that I see?  I don't think I've ever seen the Smarm dominate a game like they did in crushing the Western Division-leading Washington Stealth 12-5 Saturday Night.  And a pair of players set milestones in the match.  Forward Ryan Benesch became the franchise's all-time leading goal scorer.  His hat trick gave him 132 goals in a Swarm uniform, surpassing Sean Pollock's 131.  And fellow Forward Callum Crawford notched four assists to grab the record for most helpers in franchise history with 202.

They are now currently in a tie for dead last in the West with Colorado.  And this may be good or bad news, but they are on a bye this screening week.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -5).  OK, this is a good team -- even despite losing their composure after Anaheim Corey Perry's cold-cocking of Jason Zucker, leading their team to a come-from-ahead 2-1 defeat but landing Perry a much-deserved four-game suspension.

But it's a heartening sign of the Wild's resilience that they put that loss behind them and finished the week with three very strong victories.  Most impressive: the last two were on the road against Northwest Division rivals Colorado and Vancouver.  Last (Monday) night's win over the Canucks was the first in that beautiful city (or so I hear) since 2009 and puts the team all alone in first place in the division and thus third in the playoff chase.

As sad as it is to see your favorite team grow old and slow right before your eyes, it's awesome to see the opposite: A young team filled with talent finally bringing it all together and playing as a whole.  I can unequivocally say that this is a team not only for the future, but of right now.  Specifically, I feel safe in believing that their scoring woes are behind them, or at least more of the young'uns know how to put the puck in the net.  Note that they scored, respectively, five, six and three goals in their three wins, and none of them were one-goal affairs.  Oh, and Ryan Suter: I was wrong about you.  You the man!

This week they visit Detroit, come home to face San Jose, then go to Dallas to face The Bastard North Stars.

#-4: Vikings (Last Week: -4).  And the hits keep coming for the Vikes -- but in a good way.  I don't know if they re-signed Phil Loadholt, aka The Load, on Monday or within our screening week, but regardless and irregardless the organization would still rate well on the WMNSS for making a big splash in the free agency market and signing Wide Receiver Greg Jennings, formerly of the arch rival Green Bay Packers.  This is exactly what they needed; they had a pressing need and they filled it.  That they got him from Cheeseland helps a lot to fuel the rivalry, which for now seems to be a fair fight.  And it may even help raise the team's profile, if Jennings still is a pitchman for Old Spice (you know, "Believe In Yoursmellf").  Has his contract with them run out yet?

Now, there are some cons to this signing.  While he was productive in 2011, he was injured for much of last year.  He could be an injury risk; I think that's partly why the Pack sent him packing.  But I think the club has only three WRs officially on the roster.  If he can be the dependable wideout the Vikings need, or the deep threat, or somebody who can produce for Christian Ponder, this will be worth it.

Plus, General Manager Rick Spielman now has options.  He doesn't necessarily need to take a receiver with the first of the team's two first-round picks.  He can draft for another pressing need, like linebacker or secondary.  Or, he can package those two together to move up (although that's probably not wise; this is not consider a surefire draft with Hall of Famers-to-be but it is regarded as a deep one, so the Vikings probably are in the best place to find rookies comparable to value).  With the signing of Jennings, Spielman doesn't have to pick a Wide Receiver, and more freedom is a good thing.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6).  OK, this is sweet:



And OK, maybe I'm knocking Ricky Rubio a little too hard.  He was never going to be a stop-and-pop scorer, or a scorer, period.  What he is is a virtuoso with the rock, and I have to believe that is an unbelievable asset that you have to keep -- even moreso than Kevin Love, a man who has not been fully loyal to the franchise and, with news that his return is going to be further delayed, now has a history of a season lost due to injury on his bona fides.

The Woofie Dogs' entire season has been a lost one because of the injuries sidelining all their white players.  They have played with a roster, not just talent, deficit all year.  And the team, Derrick Williams in particular, is a completely neutered group without Rubio feeding them the ball.  But I look at that goddamn double behind-the-back and I think, well, at least he should be fun to watch.  In the off-season, sign Nikola Pekovic, trade Andrei Kirilenko if you find something good, and just sit Love until next year.  That's what I would do.

Oh yeah: They actually finished at 2-3 for the week, upsetting San Antonio and scoring the last six to come back and defeat New Orleans at home (the latter victory sealed by a weakside block by AK-47 on the last play of the game) but losing to Indiana, Houston and Memphis on the road.  They get to dial it back a bit this week: At Sacramento and Phoenix back-to-back, then returning home to face Chicago Sunday.

#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -Infinity).  Normally I don't resuscitate a team whose season I put to bed.  But I've got to say I'm thoroughly shocked that the U. female ballers were able to snag a spot in the WNIT.  That's a step up from the Women's Basketball Invitational (WBI), which the Goofs won thanks to pay-for-play ensuring all their games would be at home.  This time the path should not be so gilded, thank goodness.  However, they will get to play at Williams Arena for their first game Friday against Ball St.  I don't think it means much, but it's a lot more than I thought they would get, which is no bid.

#-7: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  So for the second week in a row I thought about taking in the Gopher baseball team's Friday night series-opener, and for a second week in a row I pussed out.  A combination of bad feelings from the 'Rents plus my car acting up again (I brought it into the mechanic who said there's nothing they can spot and that it's not serious enough to warrant a more thorough and invasive diagnostic, so I guess I'll live with the bucking) compelled me to just shut it down and stay home Friday.

I shouldn't have.  Not to say that there was a no-hitter by Gopher ace Tom Windle; they in fact lost to Indiana St. 2-1.  But Windle pitched a complete game in the loss.  Moreover, the Sycamores starting pitcher apparently is the shit: Sean Manaea is considered to be a first-round pick.  In fact, ESPN.com's Keith Law considers him to be the second-best draft prospect this year.  And he was pitching Friday at the Metrodome where I could have gotten in for free.  But I didn't.  Fuck me.  It would have been nice to see the dozens of scouts there to watch Manaea (as well as Windle, whom Law says could be taken in the second round and I think acquitted himself well, from what the box score says); it would have given the Dome a buzz it doesn't have for Gophers baseball games if only because it would have doubled the attendance.

Manaea went the full nine and struck out nine in the win, but there was late-game drama.  Minnesota managed to load the bases on Manaea in the bottom of the ninth by forcing Manaea's only walk of the game, to Alex LaShomb with two outs.  He then uncorked a wild pitch, giving Dan Olinger the green light to race for home.  But the throw by Catcher Mike Fitzgerald to Manaea was in time (according to the home plate umpire) and the game ended with Olinger out at home.

Fuck, I missed that game.  Goddammit, I missed that game?!?!?!  You know, if I knew that a potential first-round pick was playing the Gophers, I would have gone.  I would have braved my parents' complaints about going out and my car idling roughly and I would have gone.  Did Gophersports.com showcase this on their front page, or were they highlighting the football team's spring practice?

The Sycamores took two-out-of-three against the Goofs, winning Saturday 3-0 but squandering an early 3-0 lead St. Patrick's Day to lose 9-4.  This week they go to The Little Apple to play Kansas St. twice before hosting traditional baseball powerhouse Texas for three.  I checked; there are no surefire first round game-changing players on the Longhorns.  But fuckin' A, I'm going to the game on Friday.  If I don't decide to schlep around Ridder Arena to find a ticket to Sunday's NCAA women's hockey championship game after the losing team's fans decide they want to offload their instead.

#-8: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -8).  Well, fuck.  An uninspired loss to Illinois meant these penis ballers go one-and-done in the B1G Tournament.  I certainly wouldn't've blamed the Selection Committee for leaving them out, or even dropping them into the play-in game.  But all the prognosticators were right; Tubby Smith scheduled hard enough, and the team played well enough before conference play, to still get into the Big Dance.

Now, what they'll do there ... well, most people think this is Tubby's last stand, but I would not disregard the possibility this team makes that Sweet Sixteen run all fans expected before the season began.  As much as Gophers fans hate the coach and hate the team and expect them to lose in their first game, I know that the fans of their opponent, UCLA, are feeling the same way about their coach, Ben Howland, and their team.  It will be fascinating to see two underachievers play each other.

However, both the oddsmakers in Las Vegas and ESPN.com's Giant Killers blog think Minnesota will win that game.  They would then face Florida, whom Ken Pomeroy pegs as the most efficient team in the nation but has had trouble winning close games.  I doubt the U. will win against the Gators, but you never know.  I do know that Minnesota, at their best, is a fearsome team.  However, they don't have any heart, and they will play down to their level of competition if it suits them.  The potential saving grace for this club is that there are no shitty teams to play down to.  This is the Big Dance; if Trevor Mbakwe, Rodney Williams & co. can't get up for this knowing that their next loss ends their college career, well then you might as well start blowing up the program now.

The Songs Playing On The Radio The Minute Of My Birthday

How did I spend my St. Patrick's Day?  At the Auto Show.  Alone.  Yeah, I guess it could've been better.  But it could've been much worse.

Just saw the rest of my credit card bill now that I have to pay something by tomorrow.  I don't feel like talking.  Wow ... I don't think I've ever said that before.

Anyway, I went back out to my car to listen to terrestrial radio and hear what songs were playing the minute I was born.  I don't know why this has become tradition, but it has.  And here they are:

• Jack 104: Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)," followed by Pat Benatar, "Love Is A Battlefield"
• Cool 108: Elton John, "Rocket Man"
• 93X: Evanescence, "Bring Me To Life"
• 101.3 KDWB: Maroon 5, "Daylight"

Final Bubble Watch

I love this time of year, usually.  My birthday coincides with the NCAA men's basketball tournament, The Best Three Weeks In American Sport.  This year, though, is unique because March 17 falls so early compared to the college basketball season.  In fact, I don't remember the last time St. Patrick's Day was the same day as Selection Sunday -- which, as I think back, I anticipate just as much as, if not more than, the beginning of the Big Dance Thursday afternoon (I know, I know, the tourney technically starts with the "First Four" games Tuesday, but fuck that, those games are stupid.)

I say "usually" because my birthday coincidentally falling on the same day as Selection Sunday is, at least this year, a sad reminder of how lost and empty I am in my life right now.  I wish I could use the day, and sports in general, as an escape from my harsh reality, but seeing My Fucking Father be disappointed that I spent four hours at the local coffeeshop distracts me from that.  (Oh, forgetting the iPhone at home while I was out didn't help; he called me at least twice this afternoon.)  And I reminded myself that in less than half a day I'll be, gulp, 37.  I lied awake thinking that a couple hours ago.  And when I worked out this evening I punched "36" into the bike, and realized that will be the last time I can ever do that with any truth.

So what should be a doubly joyous occasion is one that reminds me of my mortality.  Well, fuck.  Anyway, with four final championship games to go, and only one team bubble that might need to win it all Sunday afternoon or else be left out of the tournament entirely, here is the aggregate decision on the final baker's dozen teams that will and will not get the final at-large bids.  These are listed in descending order of probability of getting in, according to the fine person behind The Bracket Matrix:

The Last Four Byes (aka What Should Be The Last Four In If The NCAA Wouldn't Be So Fucking Greedy And Contracted The Field Back Down To A Harmonious 64 Teams Like They Should):

• Temple
• Oklahoma
• Villanova
• Cal

The Last Five In (aka The Last Four Charity Cases Who Have To Pay For The NCAA's Largess By Playing The Play-In Games):

• St. Mary's
• Boise St.
• Middle Tennessee St.
• La Salle
• Ole Miss (the reason why this list is five teams long; The Bracket Matrix has the Rebels in as Team 68, but they're in the SEC Championship Game, and if they win, not only are they in but they are exempt from playing the "Opening Round" game because they won the conference auto-bid)

Last Four Out (Erroneously Called The "First Four Out" -- I Mean, Wouldn't 0-28 Grambling Be One Of The "First Four Out?"  They Should Be The "First One Out," You Know?  I See This Phrase "First Four Out" Everywhere And It's Pissing Me Off Because It's Not Grammatically Correct):

• Tennessee
• Kentucky
• Southern Miss
• Virginia

Is There Something Wrong With Me? There Might Be Something Wrong With Me

I have a forgetfulness problem.  It happened just as I was leaving to walk to the coffeeshop in the neighborhood.  Mother told me that she had a letter she wanted me to put in the mailbox, I told her I would take it outside, and I didn't, I flat out didn't.  I had walked across the street before I realized I forgot it, but by then I had heard footsteps of what I assumed to be My Father walking outside, and when I turned around I see him take a letter to the mailbox.

Why do I do that?  Why do I forget to do something I just said I would do three minutes before?  I don't know, but maybe I can explain myself in this case.  I was just rolling out when Mother told me that she was not going to be eating tonight because she's doing something.  So it'll be me and My Fucking Father at home.  Ugh.  Moreover, we'll be having pizza this evening, which means I'll have to get it, and that means I need to take out my car, which may or may not be working tonight.  An unforeseen change of plans combined with confronting yet another issue with the vehicle I rely on basically fucked up my day.  Oh, and while I was putting on my shoes Mother told me to get the annoying bag of ads thrown onto our driveway every week.

All of that was what was on my mind as I had to bend down and put on my shoes.  And I hear My Fucking Father, whom I was already dreading talking to over pizza tonight, re-enter the house after clearing the deck of the quarter-inch of snow that I did not see fit to shovel off the driveway, and ... to be honest, my fight-or-flight response activate in my body.  I needed to escape.  Now.  And I did -- well, I struggled to put on these Wolverine shoes that go up to my ankles while imagining I was yelling at My Father during the middle of an argument, so I guess I didn't "escape," but that was what my mindset was, and I just got the fuck out of Dodge ... and left the letter behind.

I can see it now.  We're eating pizza, and I'm trying to concentrate on the basketball game, and My Fucking Father asks an innocent question, and then he'll ask me about my future.  It's my birthday tomorrow, y'all, and I'll be ... 37 ... and he'll wonder what I'm going to do with my life.  And I'll stammer and evade, and then he'll ask me why I forgot to put the letter in the mailbox like I said I would, and if I'm crazy.  Then, he'll accuse me of being lazy because I didn't shovel the driveway.  And then I'll get angry and leave for the gym, even though my car's in rough shape right now.

I have no answers.  I don't know why my life isn't going to the way I want it to be.  I don't know why I'm still living at home.  I don't know how my future's going to look.  And goddamn, I don't know why I forgot to mail the letter ... well, I do, but I'm not going to tell him that because he doesn't understand and he probably doesn't care anyway.  And I don't know if forgetting to mail the letter is symptomatic of something.  Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I don't know, just please, leave me alone and love me, don't judge me.

Opinions On Several Of The Commercials Of Super Bowl XLVII

This has been a long time coming.  I know the Super Bowl happened six weeks ago, but I had a lot of commercials I wanted to write about, and by the time I finished finding the links and figuring out what I wanted to say, I had to do something else.  Then I had other things I wanted to blog about, and now it's after the Ides of March.

This post is so big that I'm splitting up the ad review into two parts.  At some point I will tell you the five best spots of Super Bowl XLVII.  But for now, I will talk about the also-rans, the ones that had the most hype and the ones that deserved a lot more hype than they got.

All in all, a much better crop of spots than last year.  In fact, even though there are a lack of guffaws (there haven't been many the past several Super Bowls), this was the strongest roster in a long time.

Most Surprising Failure: Anheuser-Busch's commercials

Did you notice that there were no outrageous Bud Light spots this year?  The only one were the two featuring Stevie Wonder (whom I didn't recognize at first with the hat on) and Zoe Saldana:





I barely remember these "voodoo" commercials; do you?  Inoffensive is the best thing you can say about these two, but I'm more struck at how uncharacteristic these are of Bud Light.  This is the beer company that were in your face with their racy, disgusting ads.  Remember, this is the company that gave us a farting horse.  Where's the frat boy humor?  It's not as if I actually wanted to see shit like that, but are they trying to go a different route?  And if so, is this the different route they're going?  You're not going to gain any fans turned off by their old commercials, and they'll just lose the ones that liked them.

Weirdest Commercial -- In A Good Way: MiO, Anthem (extended version below)



I'm saddened that this spot, featuring the insane yet funny Tracy Morgan, did not get more likes in the zeitgeist.  But looking back, I shouldn't have been surprised.  It's a spot that had the distinction of blending high-minded with low-minded humor.  It was for people who are saddened that 30 Rock has ended -- people like me.  And by the way, Morgan starred in (and was an integral part of the genius that was) 30 Rock.

From the get-go the ad was kind of screwy.  First of all, I haven't seen a good Patton ripoff in some time, so that's good.  And then the off-camera voice says something grammatically incorrect, something 30 Rock used sparingly but very effectively: "You know what always kept American moving forward, America?"  Some of you might have thought to yourselves, "What?"  But when I heard that line in the extended version (I do not think that voice and line was on the spot that aired during the game), I was grinning from ear to ear.

And then Morgan steps out of the shadows and shows all the ways this country has changed, and therefore how it's not such a strange step to pour this sports drink-type color liquid additive to water, MiO Fit.  They're all funny, dashed with that ol' 30 Rock quality from seeing things in an off-kilter way: "We didn't like the shape of chickens, so we changed them to nuggets," was his first evidence of change.  I've never thought of that before, but not only is that funny, he's right.  And he continues to hit these one-liners out of the park, up to the moment where he rockets up to the sky.  That last part is something Old Spice would try to do to prove they're weird and so cray-cray, but in this case it fit the whole "something's funny yet off" vibe.  I think this gets funnier the more you watch it.

Commercial That Got Too Much Hype: Mercedes Benz, "Soul"



Car commercials for the Super Bowl have never been memorable.  But really, is this it?  Mercedez-Benz would have been better off just airing this without whetting our appetite, or so they think.  Instead, I was nonplussed with the teaser spot of a dingy-by-commercial-standards bar and The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy For The Devil" mysteriously (but not really) starting up without anyone putting money in the jukebox.  And my lack of interest was repaid with a weak story that wound up with guys pasting down the corner of a billboard showing that the car will retail for under $30,000.  That's all well and good, but there had to be a more clever way of getting around to that low price point.  Plus, Willem Dafoe is wasted, although it's never a complete waste to see him.  He's good people.

Riskiest Ad, One That I Thought Would Get Much More Heat From The ACLU, Yet One I Don't Mind: Coke, "Security Cameras"



I don't consider myself a leftist.  I consider myself to be a moderate that leans left -- like my penis.  (Hey-yo!  Sorry, I felt the need to be coarse there.)  But the organized conservative movement in America is so fucking insane, I have chosen to listen to left-wing radio and TV because, apparently, the righties want a war and I have to choose sides.

That doesn't mean I believe in everything the lefties say.  For example, they are very wary about the creeping, if not the now-pervasive, surveillance society we now live under.  A dirty little secret, and maybe one that exposes my naivete if not my complicit surrender of my civil rights: I'm not too worried about it.  I think that if there's a camera in a public area, and if I do something technically illegal, such as littering or urinating in an alley, I don't think the police will spend the time to track me down to my house (I assume they can glean my personal information just by identifying my face) and give me a ticket.  They have bigger fish to fry, like looking for terrorists.  Besides, I don't think there are policemen anymore.

Coke seems to think people are bent out of shape about cameras being everywhere, too.  So instead of the usual stock footage foreboding evil like Person of Interest (and in the extended cut above the spot lays the groundwork for its irony by showing close-ups of the creepily moving cams) they show a man kissing his girl.  "People Stealing ... Kisses," the intertitles show, then "Music Addicts," "Attacks of Friendship," etc.

What Coke is trying to say is that Big Brother can be your friend, too!  Haters of that viewpoint might consider that to be Pollyannish.  But this is the first time I've seen someone, somewhere, not get pissy over the concept of surveillance.  And daring critics to describe the commercial as pro-Big Brother is downright subversive.  Not only do I agree with that viewpoint, I kind of like this ad for tweaking popular opinion.

Commercial That Might Have Been Funnier If I Hadn't Spoiled Myself By Watching It Before The Super Bowl: Taco Bell, "Viva Young"



On first watch, leaked in an online story, this was cute.  That's due to my sentiment for Grandmother, whom I still haven't been able to speak to because she's half a world away.  Buddha, I hope she's well.  I picture her being young at heart, though not necessarily getting tattoos and rubbing their nipples along windows.  That's where the ad lost me; you're still obnoxious if you're incontinent.  And that irritation was the thing that shone through when I saw it on the big screen at the Super Bowl.  Still like the touch of using as a bed a Spanish version of fun.'s "We Are Young" -- both indicative of the spirit the elderly show as well as touching on the "Latino roots" of the fast food chain.  But its charms are overwhelmed by the time I saw this spot a second time.

I Kind Of Like This One, And I Wanted To Give It Some Praise Here: Hyundai, "Stuck" (extended version below)



Whenever may car has been acting normally, I hate getting stuck behind a slow car.  Hyundai agrees with me, and likely a lot of other people, in showing the acceleration feature on its Sonata Turbo.  This couple sees the rear of a series of vehicles, with increasingly outlandish cargo: A pile of junk, horses' asses, newlyweds who couldn't wait to start their honeymoon, spitting dogs, hazardous chemicals, fireworks, then finally nuclear warheads just cruising down the highway.  The ad married something we all can relate to, namely being slowed down unnecessarily, with moments when we get stuck behind something and ask ourselves or the people riding with us, "What the hell is that???"

Widely Regarded As The Worst Commercial Of The Super Bowl -- And It Is, With A Caveat: GoDaddy, "Perfect Match" (extended "unrated" cut below)



Gross and unrelenting, reminds you of the dotcom Super Bowl where all these start-up tech companies, making it rain with venture capitalist money, all decided telepathically to try and make the most disgusting and juvenile ads the world has ever seen.  And let me whip this out there: Bar Refaeli is not that hot.  I don't think she's heinous, but ever since I saw her on Letterman doing the customary Tuesday Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover Girl Interview where she just shut down David Letterman when he wanted to ask about her then- (and still-?) boyfriend, Leonardo DiCaprio, I thought she was a bitch.  Really, Brooklyn Decker, Irina Shayk and Kate Upton are all hotter and nicer.

Saying that, there are some points I can defend.  First of all, at least GoDaddy isn't teasing us with showing nudity if you just go on their website or YouTube channel, which is all just blueballs bullshit.  And empathize for the nerd, Jesse Heiman.  He's considered the World's Best Extra, and now he gets his shot to kiss a world-famous model.  And they had to re-shoot that kiss 45 fucking times!!!  I can tell he asked to re-do that kiss, oh, about 40 times: "Oh, I'm sorry, can we do that again?  I think a booger was hanging out of my nose.  I hope you understand, Bar."  Stop making fun of a guy for being ugly.  This will probably be one of the five best memories of his life.  Why can't you just be happy for him?

Best Teaser Ad/Super Bowl Commercial That Wasn't Aired During The Super Bowl: Volkswagen, "Sunny Side" (extended cut below)



I just saw the unaired, extended version and it not only made me smile but chuckle, all over again.  So the spot starts off with a bunch of people breaking down into tears or losing their minds, and you (OK, at least I) think that it's going to be an ad making fun of them.  Deserved, probably, but it's not anything new.

But this is a Volkwagen commercial, creator of the sunny Beetle.  Cut to a sunny pastoral field and reggae legend Jimmy Cliff.  And now the inspired part of the commercial: The company hired all these crazy Internet guys to come together in that field, smile, join hands and sing The Partridge Family's "Come On, Get Happy."  It is really sweet -- yet, in retrospect, typically Volkswagen -- to, in effect, help these celebrities redeem their online and public image.  I recognize most of them -- the baseball coach that threw a base, the Packers fan crying after a loss, the candidate shouting for no good reason.  I didn't think any of them were bad people.  But it's really good to see them have a sense of humor about themselves.  And in turn, I think of them in a better light.  They aren't crazy people after all!

Funny and in the end, happy, thus reinforcing the hippie reputation of Volkswagen, meaning this is a good commercial that effectively sells the brand, even if there isn't a product to shill for.  If this advertisement ran during the game, this would at least have been the second-best of the night.

To be continued.

Maybe It's The Caffeine, But ...

... I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now.  Very.  My car's acting up so I'll have to bring it in to see what the fuck's wrong with it now.  Then I'll have to pay for it when I don't have money to pay for it.  I still want to go to Macy's to see if I can pick up a deal on clothes the last day it's open.  But then it's snowing and I don't know if I should go that far.  I want to go to the University of Minnesota baseball game versus Indiana St. at the Dome that evening, but I don't want to piss off my parents.  And money!  And car!  And all this worry!!!

At least I remembered that I did plan on doing something tomorrow.  I was afraid I would be adrift again, needing to leave home to act as if I'm "working," but I will need to go fix my dentist's bill at the U.  Shoot, the mechanic's close by; I'll call in the morning to see if I can bring the car in for them to take a look.  I might have no money for it, but as long as I'm in the area I should kill two birds with one stone.  I'll be poor, but I'll be efficient in doing so.

I have to control how much coffee I drink a day.  I had two cups, one in the late afternoon before I went to "work" in the tube, one in the evening after said "work," and because I felt the car shaking as I was parking before having coffee both times I was panicking.  Well, I still have anxiety, but my heart's no longer beating out of my chest.  Maybe the caffeine has finally worked its way through my system.  But to be honest, I feel a little more calm now that I have finished and posted my latest sports article.  I felt writer's block trying to do the piece, but yesterday I finally find an "in," and I pounded it out at Caffetto this evening and into the late night just now.

I need things to go my way.  Desperately.

Addendum To: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So no, my parents did not wake me up early this morning.  I woke up.  At 11:30.

I don't know what to make of this.  I would normally be happy to wake up this late, but considering my parents found out I was at the gym yesterday (I think), my presumption is I was on thin ice.  Waking up this late probably proves that I don't have a job after all.

Did they call me on it?  No -- and that's what worries me.  They just asked if I was going to work, to which I said yes.  I told them yesterday I was working late, so I kind of said that since I'm working late, I go to work late, too.  Oh, who am I fucking kidding, they don't buy that.  They know I'm not working; they are either plotting to hit me over the head with a confrontation/intervention some time down the line.  You know, I overheard yesterday that Father was having a meeting with someone at 6 this evening, about something.  Maybe they're planning to have me moved out.

There is another possibility: They know that I'm not working and they stopped caring.  Honestly, that's even worse.  Because that means that they've given up on me and are just going to tolerate my lies.  I want them to leave me alone, but ... this is a kind of neglect that is not as good as it appears on the surface.  I ... don't want them to not give a shit, this way, you know?

God, why couldn't I have just woken up early?  Now I'll come home and be asked questions I can't answer. I won't be able to defend myself.

---

When I wake up later than I expected -- hell, whenever things don't go my way -- my day is absolutely ruined.  And it was yet another bad day today.

While worried about whether or not my parents think I'm a goddamn liar, I went to the gym to retrieve my license.  Since it's a fucking waste to just go there to get it, I had to find something else to do while I was in that part of town.  I was going to go to Arby's and cash in on a free Beef 'N' Cheddar after filling out a survey, but it was so fucking late that it was useless to have lunch.  Instead, I grabbed the reminder to pick up the tabs that Father gave me.  I looked up online that there is a DMV within walking distance of the gym, so I might as well get that there.  Also, I had enough grist to blog about how my morning got all fucked up, so I was going to head to the library before I got in my car around the 1 o'clock hour to drive to the Macy's in St. Paul and listen to 5 Questions and the announcement of the winner of the Preposterous Statement Tournament V on KFAN's Common Man Progrum along the way.

So I walked all the way from the gym to the DMV -- it was a little farther away than the difference in the number for both places (the community center is 5600, the DMV 5200 -- I would think they'd be a little closer), exacerbated by all the snow that prevented me from just walking on grass in a straight line from front door to front door.

When I got to the DMV, however, I forgot my checkbook.  I could charge it to my credit card, but a) they only take Discover and MasterCard, neither of which I have, and b) there is a transaction fee they would charge.  I should have remembered all of this because I saw all this info when I went to the Brookdale library Monday to get my license renewed.  But I didn't, so after I embarrassed myself with the girl helping me out, I turned around and went back to my car to get my checkbook.

When I got there, about ten minutes later, I decided that the sun was strong enough that I could ditch my coat in my car -- an exchange, essentially, of my coat for my checkbook.  And then I trundled back to the DMV, checkbook and tab reminder in hand.

So I get there and show the woman the slip.  She opens it up and, lo and behold, there are tabs in there.  Why the fuck am I getting tabs when I already have them?  I should be pissed off, but I kind of remembered that I did open up the reminder, so I must have seen the tabs.  To save face I told the woman that My Father just gave me the envelope and told me to pick up the tabs.

Oh, fuck me.  I did all this walking for nothing.  One, two, three, and now four walks between the community center and the DMV, all of it a complete waste of time.  I need to stay positive and say that at least I got some exercise in walking.  But it wasn't.  It was a complete waste of my time.

I could have went to the library instead and pumped this blog post out.  Plus, by the time I started my car, I missed the first question in 5 Questions.  It could've been whether Common would be OK if the Vikings got Greg Jennings and/or Brian Urlacher.  But I don't know because I tuned in too late.

---

Oh: Before I did all this wasteful walking I went to the gym's front office and got my license.  And while I was there I was going to change my emergency contact number to my cell.  If I was able to fool my parents, I need to make sure that these guys would only talk to me the next time I forget my license.

The woman, whom I don't think was there yesterday, checked my account.  In fact the phone number I gave these guys is my cell.  So why and how in the hell did they call home?  She told me that the person taking care of my license looked up the home phone number online -- even though she was supposed to check the account first.

Oh, and she's new.  I got ratted out because someone was inexperienced, yet resourceful.  Well, ain't that just the tits.

I should do something about our home phone number being out there.  It's not supposed to be, and my parents have seen to it that it's not out there.

---

The car was good to the gym, but while parked in St. Paul it started to idle roughly again.  I really hope I can deal with this problem until next week, just before I start my testing assignment.  But can I wait that long?  Could it be worse?  Will my car explode before then?

This probably is the last time I'll get to Macy's since it's closing tomorrow.  I figured that all the Levi's and Lucky Brand jeans that I saw last week would be gone, and I was right.  But should I just turn around and leave without buying something?  I knew I didn't have any money to buy anything, but it'd be a ... well, waste if I didn't buy something.

I thought about buying a cardigan with pockets, but there was only one there and I didn't like it.  Then there were some white shirts I could buy, but I didn't have my measurements with me and the one I tried that I thought was my size had sleeves that were too long.  Besides, my folks bought some shirts I haven't even taken out of the packaging yet.

So I decided on these shorts because I still think I need shorts.  They were a little small for me, but they were regularly priced at $69.50, and because these days they are 80% off, it's reduced down to only $14.  Hope my sister's not upset, but these shorts are also Ralph Lauren.  Whoops.

Maybe I should've bought something else.  Well, too late, all sales are final.

I have nothing to do tomorrow.  Should I go back, just one more time?

---

Did I already say that my car's acting up again?  Maybe I can take into the shop tomorrow.

---

Oh, I was at a coffeeshop at the U. before going into an MRI tube for "work."  I wanted to blog on my laptop then.  But my computer wasn't booting up properly, even after I unplugged and took out the battery and held down the power button, not once, but twice.  The third time was the charm.

The place was busy.  I had to take a table next to this hipster-looking douche whose bag was too close to where I wanted to sit.  And I had to sneak my plug underneath basically his ass.  Was he decent enough to move his stuff or help me plug in?  No.  So I had to move around him, although I put my non-plugging hand on his fucking bookbag for stability, and to send a message that he was an asshole.

---

I'm at Caffetto now.  I hope the car is OK going home.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to work out at the gym today.  Went back home and, while I was parked at the driveway, while listening to my car continue to misfire when it's idling (God, let this be a phase, please!), the iPhone My Fucking Father has badgered me into using vibrates.  Monday morning I woke up to see that the temp agency tried to call me, so I was worried that the damn thing didn't work, but today I heard this call (as well as another call from the other temp agency I work through), so that ain't an issue.

It was My Fucking Father.  First he wanted to know where I was.  He's asked me that before, though not in a long while.  Then he asked me where my license was.

Oh, fuck.  It's back at the gym.  I gave it to the person in exchange for a key to a locker.  I don't have to give my license anymore to people who know me there, but she didn't.  And I forgot.  I FUCKING FORGOT!!!!!!!!!!!

This has fucked up everything.  Everything!!!  Not only do I have to go all the way back there to fetch my license, now my parents are wondering why I left my license at the gym.  That's exactly what Mother asked me as soon as I got home.  While furiously looking through the mail, I stammered out an excuse: I went early Tuesday morning (I chose that because they went to the doctor's early Tuesday morning, so they don't know if I woke up just after I left for the gym ... yeah, it's a fucking lame excuse) and left it then.

"You forgot your license for two days, huh?" Mother replied, and I can tell that they're not buying it.  Oh yeah: My Fucking Father got into the act, too.  Somehow, me forgetting my license is license for him to ask, "Are you still working part-time?"  And I tell him I'm still looking for work and, like he sometimes does, he reacts with this pained look on his face because I embarrassed him and shamed the family.  GODDAMMIT, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

And all because I forgot my license.  The girls at night know me, and they don't need my license.  Why did I forget my license?  Just because of that, one silly little goddamn thing, my parents probably have caught me.  WHY DID YOU WANT MY LICENSE, GODDAMMIT, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So now what?  This fucks up all my plans, first of all.  I didn't plan on going back to the gym till at least the weekend, and with the Auto Show and the Selection Show coming up, I might not have gone even then.  Also, I thought about going to St. Paul tomorrow and hitting up Macy's to buy jeans I don't have the money to buy.  I don't remember needing to take out my driver's license when I bought jeans last week, but can I really take the chance?  Shit, can I take the chance that I can drive around without my license for the next five days?  So I have to go eight miles in one direction and then all the way to St. Paul to begin my day tomorrow.  What a fucking waste of gas.  Fuck my life.

And double fuck my life because I know my parents are going to act on their suspicions.  I might have to wake up early on my own because otherwise they might wake me up to see if I'm actually acting like I'm going to work.  Or maybe they'll start asking me more goddamn questions when I least expect it.  Or, they could just flat-out ask me if I'm lying to them.  I was so, so fucked the moment the gym called home -- the number I gave them!!! -- to let them know I forgot that license.  Now my parents know.  They know.  And I can't do a goddamn thing about it now.

And my car, too, fuck!  What's going on with my car?!?!?!