Analyzing The 2020 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

I will not say the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is in a death spiral.  Well, at least not due to the reason everybody else is saying the magazine's in a death spiral.  I mean ... I understand the drive toward inclusivity and acceptance.  But ... ah, shit, I'll just say it: I want my swimsuit models thin, and I don't want to see models who aren't.  It is part of a larger drive from SI to get away from the fetishization of the female body and to include female perspectives in an effort to get more female eyeballs interested in the issue.  If you go on the SISI homepage, for example, you won't see all photos and videos of models in bikinis.  Instead, you'll see tips on how to exercise, how to eat a healthy diet, how models deal with trolls on social media -- and many of them have the models as subjects for these articles.  Again, I get it.  I know it's a good thing.  I just want my Swimsuit Issue to be smutty.

However, the first thing I noticed about the 2020 edition is how, well, skinny it is.  And then I noticed that this is a double issue.  Are you kidding me?  And then I remember that Sports Illustrated is being published by Maven Media, a publishing house that is a Trojan horse for a hedge fund.  They are bleeding the famed magazine's legacy assets dry, then will dump the carcass for pennies on the dollar.  That is what hedge funds do.  The literal thinning of the SI SI is more evidence of that.  And that is what worries me about the fate of this legendary annual rite of passage moreso than having bigger women in its pages.

With that out of the way, let's analyze the photos.  And, well, to be honest, I am not blown away by a single shot.  Sure, there's a lot of ass, and I am always grateful for seeing that in Sports Illustrated because that is as close to porn as it'll get.  But most of the photos are humdrum.  So, I will take a boring approach to analyzing this issue, only going by section, i.e. where each particular spread was shot:

• Wyoming: Vita Sidorkina blew me up past years by showing off her nice ass.  But she doesn't do that in this spread.  But I am a sucker for assless chaps, and Myla Dalbesio is sporting one on Page 25.  It may be my favorite photo in the issue.  Also, Emily DiDonato is looking great in a black two-piece swimsuit, just standing there, on p. 23.
• Dominican Republic: Another Victoria's Secret model crosses over to Sports Illustrated; this time it's Josephine Skriver, and she's got a bomb-ass dumper which she flashes on Pages 37 (she's on as a two-pager with p. 36) and 45.  I also like Anne de Paul's shot on p. 47 because I can see her right nipple rising through her top, and Camille Kostek but probably because she's blonde.
• Riding The Wave: The "celebrity" swimsuit models for 2020 are three surfing professionals.  Talk about your downsizing.  Anyway, shout-out to Courtney Conlogue.  She doesn't have much on top, but she's got killer abs, the kind semen would bounce off of.
• Bali: Probably the best is stalwart Kate Bock on Page 68, where her right arm is pretty much covering her right breast, buuuuuuuuuuut maybe not?  Rookie Brooks Nader stretches out her body real good on p. 77.  But I have to bring this up: Olivia Culpo (hot babe, but she doesn't stand out here) is sporting this one-piece with full arm coverings on Page 73.  Now, if you've noticed Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues in the past, you'll see that the designer and seller of the bikini and accessories the model is wearing will be listed in the caption.  I have never seen this before: For Culpo's swimsuit, the caption reads: "Editor's own swimsuit."  Is the magazine editor moonlighting as a swimsuit designer?  Or are the samples from vendors so meager nowadays that people on the photography side have to come up with their own offerings just to clothe the models?  Again, talk about downsizing.
• Turks & Caicos: The "model search" pictorial.  None of the six hopefuls get me hard.  But two of them catch my eye, only because of their, uh, offbeat beauty: Christie Valdiserri, who's bald but has a great and powerful ass; and Kathy Jacobs, who's over 50 but has a great body and inspires me to wait around to see if I can fuck any of the strippers from My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version) once they cross 50.
• Scrub Island: The most underwhelming set.  Probably the best shot is on p. 101, with Samantha Hoopes, another vet, givin' us some ass.

And ... that's it.  I think I'll buy this year's edition, whenever the heck it's coming out.  But it's getting, uh, harder to, uh, get up for it.