Friday, May 14, 2021

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Wild (Last Week: -1).  I put the Mild on top, but only because they're going to be in the playoffs and not for any play that's earned them the top spot.  I didn't see much of a finishing kick with this group.  Oh sure, they swept a pair of 4-3 Overtime decisions at home over the weekend over Anaheim, but this is Anaheim of 2021, not the Ducks of 2003, when they swept Minnesota in the Western Conference Finals.  The latter Game, on Saturday Night, was the final Game of United States legendary Goaltender Ryan Miller, whose last action of his career was letting a shot from Victor Rask sail past him.  The Winningest American Goalie Ever should have had a better final game.  Yeah, what I'm saying is the Mild should have lost this Game in order to give Miller a proper sendoff.  (By the way, Miller never won a Stanley Cup, but he should have with Buffalo.  The Bastard North Stars cheated to their only cup when a Goal was scored with a BNS skater's skate in the crease.  Fuck Dallas.)

What is more troubling, and I think more indicative of their recent form, is their season-ending sweep in St. Louis to a Blues team that conspicuously has the Mild's number this Year.  On Wednesday they crushed Minnesota, 4-0.  Worse than that, on Thursday the Mild skated out to a 3-0 lead, then let the Blues score seven times.  Sure, it's the end of the season and it didn't mean much.  But first, don't blow a fuckin' three-Goal lead.  Second, this team stated that they weren't going to relax after clinching a postseason birth.  If this is their attempt at peaking once the Stanley Cup Playoffs start, they're going to get swept.  Finally, there was something at stake at the beginning of the Week: The West Division title, or if not that, home-ice advantage in the First Round.  Back-to-back emasculations from St. Louis (which is the fourth and final playoff team from the West) means that the Mild will finish third in the division.  And even with limited fans in the seats (at least for now), having home-ice, especially because of having last change, is so important.  And the Mild squandered that.

Now, the road to the Stanley Cup isn't a dark road into oblivion.  Much in the way the Blues have had the Wild's number this Year, Minnesota in turn has had the number of the Las Vegas Golden Knights, the Wild's First Round foe, ever since the latter's birth, for some odd reason.  Then, assuming they advance and face The Bastard Quebec Nordiques in the Second Round ... well, former Wild Goalie Devan Dubnyk is their backup, and if starter Philipp Grubauer gets injured and Dubs has to fill in, well, I like Minnesota's chances.  (By the way, check out the final West Division standings if you can.  Colorado has won the West [and the President's Trophy too], yet they have fewer Wins than Vegas.  But because the two teams finish the season tied, the NHL goes to the tiebreaker, and Colorado wins on the basis of ... Regulation Wins.  How many Regulation Wins do both teams have, and why in the fuck is that not being shown in the standings of every website that reports on pro hockey???)  But let's face reality: The Mild will probably get bounced by the GKs.  It is a damned existence when you have a season beyond your wildest imagination but are put in a one-Year-only division that is led by probably the best two teams in the whole league.

But at least we'll get to see Minnesota on over-the-air TV at least twice; Game 1 is Sunday afternoon and Game 4 (at the X) will take place next Saturday evening, and both tilts will be on Channel 11/NBC.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  I don't know how many woebegone fans of the Woofie Dogs agree with me.  (I wonder how many Woofie Dog fans are still around after yesterday's/Thursday's news that Glen Taylor in fact did not pull out and signed a $1.5 billion deal to sell the team to A-Rod and his moneybags friend, e-commerce titan Marc Lore, anticipating that they're going to take the team from us and put it in Seattle or Las Vegas or wherever.  Brave heart, fans.)  But I don't mind the relatively great finishing kick this team is on (unlike the Mild), with road wins over Orlando and Detroit the meat in a week sandwich with losses to Miami and Denver as buns.

First of all, for a franchise that has been a perpetual loser, a .500 screening Week is like finding an oasis in the middle of a desert.  Second of all, I also thirst for any indications that pairing up Karl-Anthony Towns D'Angelo Russell (and adding the drafting of Anthony Edwards) is a good thing, and the wins over the Magic and Pistons -- two similarly awful clubs that have also packed it in, but usually these are contests the T-Wolves lose anyway -- gives hope that with a little talent and effort, more victories will come in the future.

Finally, and maybe most important of all, I am not too bent out of shape with not tanking for the draft.  This organization is both young and capped; what's another big rookie contract going to do to the Wolves except crowd out role players and force Taylor to eat the luxury tax?  Also, new rules for the Draft Lottery have flattened out the odds of getting selected to one of the top four picks.  Their recent good play has "elevated" the Wolves to around the sixth-worst record in the NBA.  But don't sweat it; if they stay where they are, they have a relatively better chance of getting into the top four than they would have under the old lotto rules.

And beyond all that is the fact that the Wolves' First Round Draft pick is given to The Bastard Philadelphia Warriors if it's fourth or worse.  There are people who decrying the Wolves winning now because it theoretically increases the chances that the pick goes to the Dubs.  So what?  There appears to be a consensus that there are five really, really good players in this Year's Draft (even though I, to be honest, don't think there's a generational talent this Year): Cade Cunningham of Oklahoma St., Evan Mobley out of USC, Jalen Suggs from Gonzaga (he's One Of Us, a Holy Angels product), and two guys who eschewed college to go the NBA's G-League, or, as I like to call them, "gleaguers."  I don't know their names, but apparently they're good.

If the Wolves pick first, second or third, they get to keep the pick (they'll give the Warriors their First-Rounder next Year, regardless of position) and hope finding what constitutes a stud this Year will be worth the salary cap headaches.  If they draft sixth or lower, the player the Timberwolves would have selected probably wouldn't be worth it.  So only if they get the fourth pick (the lottery only selects the top four; if the Wolves finishes the season as the sixth-worst team, there is no way they can jump up to fifth) does this club "fuck" themselves.  I'd take those chances.

And wouldn't you know it, this is the last Week of the NBA's regular season.  The Association shortened the season, and I think they're better for it.  The Game against the Nuggets started the three-Game homestand that winds down the Year; it's Boston Saturday afternoon and Dallas to end 2020-1 Sunday Night.

#-3: United FC (Last Week: -4).  The Loons better thank their goddamn lucky stars for midweek Matches.  Saturday's road Game versus the Colorado Rapids was like watching a car crash happen in slow motion.  In other words, it was a repeat of last season's Western Conference Final, where MNUFC raced out to a 2-0 lead and raised the hopes of all United FC supporters, only to see the opponent in the Second Half chip, chip, chip away at the lead and then lose the Game (also known around these parts as "proving you're a Minnesota sports team").  I was on my computer while watching the Match on Channel 23, and when the Rapids tied it up, I knew Minnesota was going to fucking blow it.  A Set Piece Goal mere Minutes later proved me right, and all I could do was shake my damn head.  Fucking Backline. ...

But like I said, thank God for midweek Matches.  Playing the Whitecaps, who cannot play in Vancouver because Canada closed down the border (I think the 'Caps are camping out in Salt Lake City?), they came over to The Nest/Allianz Field and, in a Game that was teeth-chattering as much for the desperate hope Minnesota would get off the schneid as it was over the weather, the Loons were finally relieved of their losing with a just-onside Goal from new addition, and sub, Ramon Abila.  Cue "Wonderwall."

I'm still plenty pissed at these guys for their piss-poor start, so they're not going above the Wolves.  But I am putting these footballers above the two below teams just because of the huge weight that was lifted off my back.  I don't think the playoffs are in the cards for this club after the big hole they've dug themselves, but for this Week's WMNSS, I don't care.  Can they make it two in a row Saturday at home versus FC Dallas?  Probably not, but a dude can dream.

#-4: Twins (Last Week: -3).  Speaking of pissed -- man, I am so pissed off at these Twinks right now.  Yesterday/Thursday the organization announced that with the loosening of coronavirus restrictions, there will be an accelerated ramp-up of capacity at Target Field through July, at which point they anticipate things will be back to normal crowd-wise.  Well, if they keep fucking up like they have this Week, it won't matter that they're increasing capacity, 'cause no one will want to come and watch this goddamn trainwreck.

This goddamned ballclub went 1-4, with one rainout.  The win, versus the Tigers in Detroit, was followed up by their current-four-Game losing streak, capped off by a three-Game sweep at the hands of the White Sox at Comiskey Park.  It was a statement win for the hip spoiler a few pundits believe could take the A. L. Central over the heavily-favored Twinks.  Minnesota, on the other hand, was touted by a few as a World Series contender, but are now 12-23.

This squad is now just shit.  It is a total systemic failure; offense, pitching, defense, bullpen, you name it -- it is sucking goats right now.  The team's play late in Games and in RISP situations has been atrocious.  And injuries and nicks, most notably (but not unheard-of) Byron Buxton.

The (insert future host city) Athletics come to town for the weekend.  Said ChiSox come in starting on Monday for a trio.  Then they quickly head out to Anaheim for a Doubleheader against The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of ... on Thursday that makes up for Games postponed from earlier in the Year due to COVID-19.

#-5: Gopher softball (Re-Entry!).  The only -- and I mean only -- reason the Twinks are not at the bottom of this survey is that as execrable as they have played, they are still in the youth portion of their season.  Can't say that about the U. softballers.  Don't get me wrong; they are still, objectively, a good ballclub.  But in a faceoff with the top team in the Big Ten, Michigan, at Cowles Stadium they were humbled, winning only the last of the four-Game series on Sunday -- and, to be honest, they probably only won that Game because it was Senior Day.  Let's face it.

Because of that, Hayden King of College Sports Madness, the only softball bracketologist on the Internet, has the Golden Gophers in the NCAA Tournament ... but barely; according to King, they are the third-to-the-Last Team In.  Which makes the regular season finale this weekend at Penn St., who are at the bottom of the league, pivotal.  A sweep probably ensures their postseason; any loss to this woeful program may be the final nail in the coffin for this team.

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