#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -5). For the longest time, Penn St. has been the jewel of Big Ten women's soccer. So naturally schools that beat them will crow about it. Such is the case after the Gophers whipped the Nittany Lions Sunday, 4-1 at Robbie Stadium. The gamer was particularly rife with statistics about kicking PSU's ass. Did you know it is the Nittany Lions' worst loss in conference play since 2002? Did you know that 1997 was the last time the U. notched four on them? If you didn't, you would know after reading the first paragraph.
Easy now. Penn St. is 1-0-4 in the B1G and has already lost five Matches overall. Meanwhile, you Gophers are 2-0-3 and are nowhere near sniffy the tournament. Good Win, and I'll give them the top spot for all the superlatives achieved. But what have you really accomplished? Anything that should get you above negative numbers?
At Purdue Sunday, hosting Illinois Thursday.
#-2: Gopher football (Last Week: -6). Went to West Lafayette Saturday and survived host Purdue, 20-13. They are 2-0 on the road, but 1-2 at home. Go figure. Actually, check that -- don't figure. Just believe that P. J. Fleck is no longer considered as a candidate to be the Head Coach at USC, and that this team still hasn't shown diddly-squat about who it truly is, good or bad.
They're on their bye Week. Host Nebraska on the 16th.
#-3: United FC (Last Week: -3). In their only Match of the screening Week, they tied with FC Dallas on the road Saturday. On the one hand, getting a Point away from home is a good result. On the other hand, FCD sucks, the Loons needed three Points, and they weren't able to score. Therefore, they yet again are clinging to the final playoff spot in the Western Conference, a measly Point in front of Vancouver. And on Sunday afternoon, they'll be hosting Colorado, a team that currently sits third in the West, comfortably ahead of MNUFC. Unlike last Week's Game, they have to at least draw here.
#-4: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -1). Went into Madison last Friday and ran into a buzzsaw; Wisconsin swept them, and fairly easily. That was sad, but predictable. What wasn't predictable was going to Evanston the next night and giving the first two Sets, at 24 and 19, to Northwestern, a school that has never been good in women's volleyball. They somehow were able to turn it around and win the Match, taking the last three Sets at 18, 29 and 7. But my fucking God, championship clubs don't piss away the beginning of Games to the likes of fuckin' Northwestern, sweep hangovers be damned.
They continue out on the road, playing the Michigan squads this weekend. Did they come home during the Week?
#-5: Vikings (Last Week: -2). Watching the 14-7 debacle Sunday up close, I have to agree with the Vikings beat writer for The Athletic (whose name escapes me) when saying that it is hard to tell whether the Offense or the Defense was more at fault for the Loss. On the one hand, it is absolutely criminal that a team led by a Head Coach who preaches running the ball could run it only for 65 Yards. I believe another Athletic writer went into detail about how the Vikes Offensive Line may have turned in its worst Game in The Zimmer Era. On the other hand, the D gave up Points after the Two-Minute Warning yet fucking again, and it wasn't the O which chose not to stop Kareem Hunt from rambling for 33 Yards at 3rd Down and fucking 20 Yards to go just 35 Seconds from Halftime. So there's blame to go around.
I should say more about this, but I can't. Well, except that I would not put it past this team to go down in flames to Detroit this Sunday. If they lose to the Lions, surely Zimmer and Rick Spielman are out, aren't they?
#-6: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!). Winter season is upon us, as the college icers take to the, well, ice. While the Gopher men were supposed to drop the buck last weekend as well, their series at Mariucci Arena against Alaska was postponed till January because the Nanooks have cases of COVID-19. Unvaccinated Forty-Ninth Staters, pish.
But the female hockey Gophers started their season on-time, at Ridder Arena, vs. Ohio St. -- and they got swept, by scores of 4-2 and 4-1. My goodness, when was the last time this program ever started a season 0-2? Seriously, they haven't won the NCAA championship since 2016, they missed the tournament entirely last Year (it was a pandemic Year, but still), and they have now lost five in a row to the Buckeyes, a program the Goofers once looked down upon. I'm sorry, but this team is going downhill, and if it doesn't return to its lofty and rightful position this season, I think structural changes need to be done. Because I'm not sure they can go up to Duluth this weekend and win either of their two Games against the Bulldogs.
#-Infinity: Twins (Last Week: -4). Finished this season by taking two-of-three in Kansas City. This was a shitshow of a Year, one that began with credible World Series aspirations that were completely fucking dashed with execrable play from the second Week of the season till, oh, May 20. It is accurate to say that every Free Agent signing the Twinks made for this Year blew up in their faces, and that was the reason why they finished 20 Games behind sworn rival the Chicago White Sox, a team many thought they were going toe-to-toe with for the American League Central Division. Instead, they'll be picking eighth in the upcoming Major League Baseball Draft.
With that being said (and I know I shouldn't be given this organization any slack), the second half of their season was a lot better. Everyone started to dial in, at least just a bit. The franchise had time to trot out call-ups and new farmhands, and a lot of them showed promise. Jorge Polanco, a guy I know I criticized in WMNSSs in the past, was red-hot after the All-Star Break. And Byron Buxton was in the lineup enough, and produced enough, for his bobos to double-down on paying him whatever he wants -- conveniently forgetting that he was hurt for all of July. Look, I saw the dude hit two Home Runs in the last home Game of the Year. But how much fuckin' fWAR or whatever can Buck accumulate for the team if he's fuckin' hurt? And you sabermetric motherfuckers want the Pohlads to pay him $25 million a goddamn Year? I know I'm not ownership or the front office, but you've got to be kidding me. Geez.
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