Obligatory Super Bowl Prediction

Pittsburgh 20, Arizona 14.

Five Strippers, Little Money ... What To Do?

I knew I shouldn't, but since I was out I wanted to see some boobies, so I went to this strip club. It's more like a strip bar, Cheers with tits. The girls may not be as young or pretty as in stereotypical stripclubs, but they're hot enough for me, and you don't have to pay a cover to go into these places.

For every shift -- here it lasts three hours -- there are four girls working. I could call and ask who's working, but I don't have the energy, so I enter when I want and see the results of the crapshoot. Sometimes there are dancers that are new or are bitches, and so I just drink my drink quickly and leave.

This was not one of those days. In fact, I have had lap dances with all four dancers. Shit, I had a lap dance from the waitress when she was stripping there.

But this is the conundrum for a guy with no more dole money: I'm horny, but I put myself on a strict monetary limit, so I can't just get an LD with every single dancer there. What to do?

Well, what I should've done is walk out because I couldn't decide who to get dances from. But my dick told me to be fair: Look at all the dancers who give dances to other customers and get some from the ones that don't, because that means all the dancers have gotten some money for the night. And that's what I did -- I got one from the only woman whom I didn't see give a "seat," and I got one from the waitress, who should still be dancing there.

I told one of the girls my plan, and she seemed to accept me with open arms. I hope she means it. There was another who I earlier told that I'd give a stage tip to, but I got tied up with an LD. She was standing around, so I thought it's a good time to give her the two dollars I was going to give her since she wasn't busy with another custy.

Does she take it? No, she starts giving me shit about getting dances from others but not from her. I know she doesn't mean it, but the damage has already been done: I now feel guilty. She is hot, yo. Moreover, she looks as young as the girls you'd see at your typical SC; women here are usually single moms in their 30's, and their bodies are, um, "experienced." This girl would put most twentysomethings to shame. And she's a good conversationalist, too. I don't want to give her up; she's just not the type of girl you typically see here. So that's why it breaks my heart that she'd manipulate my emotions. She did give me her card so I can check her schedule, though.

I spent $60 at this place. I shouldn't've spent so much, but I was horny.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

For the first time there is no team above a 0. This is the way I envisioned the survey to go: Some teams better than others, but no team worthy enough to rise out of the morass that is Minnesota Sports Mediocrity.

#-1: Wrestling (Last Week: -5). Only team in the survey to go undefeated this week ... but their two wins were against unranked Arizona and Michigan States. So what, I say -- the go on the road this weekend, including against Ohio State, a team that whipsawed them earlier this month.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -2). A fast-forming rule as I write these surveys is that if a team has the week off, they stay in exactly the same place as they did the week before. Good to see that Coach Lucia is getting better and that the mystery illness is some type of viral infection, not a toomah. Home-and-home with MSU-Mankato this weekend.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -6). They rise mostly because they hardly played All-Star Week. Awesome ass-kicking of Toronto to start the second half. Thought of downgrading the Wild after Niklas Backstrom got lit up for four goals in the second period of the ASG, but they don't play defense in the ASG so every goalie gets lit up. But he didn't get lit up Tuesday; he stopped 27 Maple Leafs shots. They traded for C/LW Dan Fritsche today. Who's Dan Fritsche? Play three this week, two on the road.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4). Well, they proved themselves incapable against a sliding Detroit team at home and the bandwagon filling up. Still, they ripped off three wins including one on the road against Milwaukee and a good home win versus Chris Paul and the Bastard Charlotte Hornets. Kevin Love isn't the undersized stiff I feared he'd be. Simplifying the playbook has really turned Randy Foye's career around. And Al Jefferson ... well, he may have a more pronounced forehead than K.G., but this guy's gettin' real good. Maybe McHale does know a thing or two about b-ball. But it doesn't get any easier this week: vs. the Bastard Lakers at home Friday, at Boston Sunday, at Indiana Tuesday, then fly back home to host Atlanta Wednesday. How good is this team?

#-5: Gopher women's baseketball (Last Week: -1). The separation is here: None of these four teams inspired confidence last week. The Lady Gophs are the best of the four because their loss was at Purdue, although that win at home against Northwestern on Sunday should not have been that close. The opportunity to move up is easy because they have a light week: home against Michigan State Groundhog Night.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3). On the other hand, the male counterparts lost at home to Purdue and won a close one at rebuilding Indiana. For an up-and-coming program, neither losing at home or gnashing your teeth against the team that should be last in the conference is acceptable. A very intriguing matchup against Illinois at the Barn tonight will tell us what kind of team the Gophers can be. I'm already writing off at Michigan State Wednesday as a loss, but in this conference, this season, who knows?

#-7: Swarm (Last Week: 0). That the Swarm were able to come back against the World Champion Buffalo Bandits in the second and third periods doesn't take away the bitter taste in my mouth from their 4-0 deficit at the end of the first. They are now 1-10 against them all-time, a startling 0-5 at the X. And they'll stay down here for another week, for they next play a back-to-back in two weeks.

#-8: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: Positive Numbers). Oh, how the mighty have fallen! I was at their loss on Friday to UMD ... the loss that snapped their 16-game winning streak. That second period, when the Lady Bulldogs scored all their goals, was the neck-breaker: The defense got stupid, Goalie Alyssa Grogan became quite sieve-like, and opposing Goalie Johanna Ellison played very well after UMD's Laura Fridfinnson scored the winning goal shorthanded. The Lady Gophs didn't do much better Saturday, needing a shootout to win. And all the doubts come back to me. ... They play two at Minnesota State this weekend.

I've Been Laid Off From My Job Which Really Isn't A Job

The only productive thing I do while the sun's out is going to the U. I'm a guinea pig, part of a research study about hearing. Basically, two hours a day, two to three days a week I go into a sound-proof booth, put on headphones and listen to a series of three bloops and bleeps coming into my left ear. One of those three signals is different from the other two, and I indicate which by pressing "1," "2," or "3" on the desktop keyboard. Two hours a day, two or three days a week, just about 18 months or so now. I actually did this earlier this decade before my series of temp jobs. In fact, I'm doing experiments for the same woman.

Well, fuckin' Christ, that might be over. I was told by her helper, after my session today: "This may be our last session with you for a while."

What?!?!?! Why? Have I gone through all the things in the hearing spectrum or thingamajig? I was told by the woman whose experiments I've undergone for years now that her situations, all the bleeps and bloops and the variables to make them different, are limitless. Was I wrong to believe her?

This was my job. Besides being a board op and just as much as being a theater usher, I loved this job. They didn't bitch if I was late. I could drink, answer my phone and even look through my letters in the booth. I could take a shit for 20 minutes during the experiment. (In the bathroom, I mean.) I didn't have to take my work home. Stress was non-existent. And they always seemed to be happy with my work, which is rare.

But now that's all gone. And seriously, with the fact that I ain't got no more dole money, I was living off of the $20 I got each day I worked. I'm not going to even have that any more. Will I not be able to go to the Gophers game tomorrow like I planned? (I still will. Probably.) Do I have to hesitate whenever I want to go to Barnes & Noble and sneak-read with a mocha? Can I even fuckin' drive to the library if I need to research something? All I needed was $20 a day and I'm being deprived of that, too!

Am I no longer allowed to have anything?

This Is Why Sometimes I Wish We Were White

My grandmother wanted me to explain the coupons she got from the casino tonight.

She loves gambling. I think that's where I got my gambling jones from, and we're not even related (long story). So she's all signed up and I assume the casino knows her by name and they send her these announcements over the mail. Once a month they (like any casino now that I think about it) sends her these coupons -- you know, free hotel stay, five bucks off the buffet, entries for a new car, etc.

She asks me to look them over. The only relevant coupons are the $5 in cash back; you bring that coupon and your card to the info desk and they give you five bucks right there. One if them is for the first half of February, the second for the second. But every single goddamn time I try to explain what the coupons are I can't because I don't know what is Chinese for "These are two coupons where they'll give you five bucks, the first one is for February 1-14 and the second one is for February 15-28." I don't even think I'm coming close to communicating what these coupons are for. I'm guessing she thinks she can only use them the 1st and 15th of the month.

But after stammering through my explanation with the little Chinese I know, she, for I think only the second time ever, set me off with this request: "Write it down for me." Write what down? The dates? The fucking dates when you can use these coupons? The fucking coupons that already have the dates on them? Do you even know what the fuck the number's I'm gonna write down even fuckin' mean?

Well, she's my grandmother, so I write down the numbers "1," "14," "15," and "28" larger than they are printed on the coupon. I tell her that when she goes to the casino next month to let me know; that way I can tell her what to bring. But I'll forget.

These are the times when I wished we spoke English like everybody else.

"Sometime, Play A Little Piano For Me"

That's what my father said to me at dinner tonight. Saying that triggered all sorts of bad memories.

Playing the piano was the first big fight I had with him where I actually stood up to him. My parents and I had me and my sister learn when we were young; for some reason my brother was spared. I liked the piano at first, then played to make my father happy, then was unhappy. I played through high school, I believe.

To this day, what pisses me off most about my playing years is that we had a recital every spring but he wouldn't go. But, from time to time he would get me out of bed and have him play for him. The memory conjures up images of me, the court musician, trying to delight My Lord. I fucking hated that. Still do. What, you're gonna make me feel small because you're my dad and you can tell me what to do? Fuck you. Fuck you to hell.

I don't know if he didn't like what I was playing or if I just refused to play altogether, although one may have morphed into the other. But pretty soon we were having an all-out war over him making me go to piano class well past the point of me liking it. College was the only reason he ever let it go. But dammit, he brought it back up again. For the first time in at least a decade.

The piano's still there. We use it now to put stuff on -- clock, lamp, feather duster, chips. It hasn't been played in years and it may be out of tune. But now that I'm more mature, I think about how unused the piano is. And maybe, just maybe, I should take it back up. Because now I see the virtue in knowing how to play, at least a little. But then the bad memories of how this damn instrument was forced upon me by my father -- as a way of controlling me and you can't make me believe otherwise -- well up inside me, and that wistful notion fades back under my skin.

Wish all you want, Father. I won't play piano for you. Not after how you used it to abuse me. OK, maybe I'll play on your deathbed. Would you care for "Chopsticks?"

Carpe Diem My Ass

What did I do today? Well, it was really cold outside, the thing I do at the U. was cancelled today, and I didn't really have anything else I needed to do. So I did the right thing for a guy who no longer has unemployment and stayed home.

Did I look for jobs? Yes. But I also surfed the Internet, looked at blogs, started to write this post I do for Television Without Pity ... generally whiled away the day quietly.

Who are these people who say "seize the day"? Seriously, who are these people? Can't you guys relax just one day? And if not, can you let the rest of us rest if we want? I did nothing productive today, and I feel alive because I wanted to do nothing productive today. Besides, it's a tough world out there. Stay inside if you don't have to go outside. That's my motto.

George Costanza Is God

I saw Seinfeld in high school but stopped watching in college, and now I don't know why. Many people now say the show is dated. Seriously, the older I get, the more relevant and true-to-life the show becomes. And I thought George's travails were too farfetched to be real; now I know better.

Saw "The Opposite" last week. (Why the fuck can't I embed it?) Story of my life man. Well, except for the girl.

Another Way I Wasted Money

Wednesday I printed out a resume at the U. of M. copy shop. I had a lot of quarters, but I had one dime, and printing a copy was only a dime, but I thought, Hey, I might need a dime down the line, so I put in a quarter. I was so focused on not screwing up copying my resume that I forgot to take my change when I was done. I wasted fifteen cents, man, I wasted fifteen cents.

That means I need to cut back somewhere.

Analyzing The Race For 2008 Playboy Playmate Of The Year

Playboy's Playmate Of The Year may just be more imporant than Miss America these days. They just crowned their winner on The Learning Channel, for crissake. I remember reading back in high school the TV ratings for a week in 1980; that Miss America pageant was the #1 show. My how times change, and how Miss America has fallen so far.

Anyway, there's a page that allows you to vote on who's your favorite, but it's fairly well documented that it's all bullshit. There are PR things you do that I would imagine would be looked on favorably by the company, but in the end Hugh Hefner decides who is PMOY. Not that I'm complaining; he could kill my parents and burn my house down and I'd be OK with it because, hey, he's the one that made porn OK in America. But don't think you voting for your favorite makes a difference.

Here's how I break the ladies down. Sandra Nilsson doesn't have a MySpace, so no go there. Ida Ljungvist has a page, but won't let me in because she wants me to put down her "real" last name. Uh, maybe it's "Not Gonna Get My Vote." The Campbell twins' eyes scare me; they look vacant. A.J. Alexander does not have a video accompaniment to her page, so I think that reflects badly on her. Grace Kim is Asian, and since I'm Asian and raised in a white neighborhood, it reminds me of my family, and that's gross. Juliette Fretté uses a lot of fancy words in her video. That's great that you know them, but such logorhhea (look that up, Juliette) is totally unnecessary when we're staring at your tits and twat. Plus, she's a Bruin.

The other half I'm fine with. But check on the interviews for both Michelle McLaughlin and Kelly Carrington have deep voices, like they smoke. I think chicks who smoke are fuckin' hot, but they tend to go for other smokers. Plus, how can we plan a long future together when you die of lung cancer, or if I die before you because of secondhand smoke? Laura Croft likes monster trucks. That means she's probably white trash who doesn't go for minorities. I'll have a language barrier with German Regina Deutinger, and I already have to deal with that shit with my family. So that leaves Kayla Collins and Valerie Mason. From what little scuttlebutt I can glean from people who follow the PMOY race online, the least popular playmates are the Campbell Twins and Mason, and the favorites are Carrington and Collins. I should add that I have received at least a half-dozen messages from Collins imploring for me to vote for her on the link, and although she sounds hot, it's kind of getting annoying.

Oh who am I kidding, I'd love to fuck any of them.

Poor Bastard Of The Moment: Kyle Whelliston

He says on ESPN.com that the economy is forcing The Worldwide Leader to essentially cut his workload (and presumably his pay) in half. An hour later, he gets shitcanned by ESPN, probably because he was honest to everyone about what was going to happen and why. The why is particularly galling; the recession ain't no secret, and it's not a crime to cut workload in anticipation of falling profits. But because Whelliston told his readers about the move, they had just cause to fire him?

Bullshit.

Maybe My Addiction To Porn Is Going Too Far

I've been addicted to porn all my life. My parents love porn and I snuck-read their mags from a very early age, so I blame them. It's not just a hobby but a passion of mine, so when things started to get tight I kept buying porn and going to strip clubs and getting handjobs. But now that things are really tight, I can't stop ignoring that this addiction may be getting in the way of my financial well-being.

A day after wasting a dime because I didn't round up the gas when filling up my car, I finally get to Shinders. I wanted to pick up Playboy's "College Girls" Special Edition because of the U. of M. coeds was willing to sign it for me. Actually, she appeared in Playboy's monthly issue back in the fall, the one which annually showcases the hot girls of a particular conference. So when I dug for her e-mail and told her how hot she was and if she could sign my "Girls of the Big 10 Conference" copy, she told me she was in a second mag. Because she was willing to sign and she's lives so close to me there's a small part of me hoping I can see her and get to know her and maybe fuck her, I e-mailed her and said, "As soon as I get the money I'll buy that too."

I got the last copy, with small creases and dirty fingerprints all over it. Probably a lot grime from guys who touched their nuts inbetween flipping the pages too. But I promised her.

I looked at the price: $9.99?!?!?!

Ten bucks for a fucking magazine?! I shouldn't pay that much for porn even if I did have a job?!?! Should I? Ah ... this is going to kill me, but yeah, I bought it. A hot naked girl allowed me to send her stuff to sign. I couldn't disappoint her.

So according to my calculations I have spent $10.10 I shouldn't have. I thought about going to the Swarm game Saturday; now, I probably won't. Should I donate to the art show I plan on going to tomorrow? Probably not. How about a lapdance at the local titty bar? Yeah, that's probably still on. Damn my addiction. ...

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: Positive Numbers). Make it three in a row at the top spot. Poured in sixteen goals in beating the shit out of Bemidji State. The top-ranked lady Gophs are steaming towards two home games against second-ranked Wisconsin in two weeks ... but they have third-ranked UMD for two at home this weekend.

#0: Swarm (Last Week: 0). Had no game this week, but since I forgot to include them when they started their season two weeks ago, I'll keep them here to make up for it. They play at home Saturday against Buffalo, a team they've defeated only once in 10 games and lost to all four game at the X.

#-1: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -3). A big three-point win at ranked Ohio State and, avoiding the fate of their male counterparts, followed that up with a six-point win at home over Michigan. Props to Ashley Ellis-Milan, co-Big Ten Player Of The Week. Can they continue this at Purdue and versus Northwestern?

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -6). Now this is the team we are entitled to! Poured in 16 goals in beating the shit out of Bemidji State. Mike Hoeffel was named WCHA Offensive Player of the Week and Aaron Ness Rookie of the Week. They get no chance to capitalize on the sweep, however, for they have the week off.

#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -1). What a stunning comeback against Wisconsin! Heard the second half and overtime Thursday night and until the very end I thought the Gophs were game but we're going to come up short. But Westbrook ties it up with a clutch three, and then the team held the Badgers without a point for the three minutes of OT. And then, what a loss to Northwestern! Northwestern!! (Although they beat Michigan State at East Lansing on last night, so maybe it wasn't that bad of a loss.) People will give these guys the benefit of the doubt because it's men's college basketball; I mean, how many people are attending the women's hockey team because they've ripped off 16 in a row? But I want to see this team win the games they should win, then steal some they shouldn't. They have two of the former this week: home tonight against Purdue, then the gimme at Indiana.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2). The Wolves followed up the Gophers with a thriller of a game at Phoenix Friday night. I was driving around looking for a spot to park to go to a concert and all the while I was listening to the game. I don't think I've felt such excitement over a Woofie Dogs game in years. And what a gutty win! That takes the sting off an understandable but dignified loss to the Bastard New Orleans Jazz. Could things be looking up? A more salient question: Is this team good enough to be kept together, or do they need more prime rookie meat? We'll see; they play four games in five days.

#-5: Wrestling (Last Week: -5). These guys also had last week off, so I too will keep them where they were last week -- second from the bottom. Being ranked in the teens still is unbecoming to this program. They are at Arizona State Friday, then host Michigan State Sunday afternoon.

#-6: Wild (Last Week: -4). The All-Star Break is a great time to be restless. Two wins and two losses shouldn't be that bad, but for this survey they're at the outhouse because 1) other teams had big wins this week and 2) although their win MLK night at Chicago was fantastic, their two losses were at home. They scored nine goals in their two wins and two in their losses -- duh, yes, and I guess we should be happy they were able to score five and four goals in a game at all, but this is the same consistent inconsistency we've seen, well, during this franchise's whole existence. We're getting bored! They host Toronto Tuesday.

Bad Customer Service -- Twice

I needed to call the Nevada Secretary of State's office because my parents want to set up a business there. I was confused about something and I needed their help. I get this bitch who thinks I'm wasting her time.

I get to this point in the conversation after getting terse "yes" or "no" answers from this woman:

OK, so when it says, "on this date I accepted the position of registered agent," what date is that? Is that when we say so or is that determined by you guys?

It's when you accepted the position.

That's it?

Yeah. So if you accepted the position today, you'd put today's date. If you accepted it yesterday, you'd put yesterday's date on it.

Really?! Get out!! I thought that if you accepted the position today, you had to put in the date of February 29. 'Cause I have no fucking clue that you write down the date you accepted the position. Thanks, you condescending cunt!

(Actually, I didn't say that at all. I thought the secretary had to determine that day depending on when we incorporated, but I guess we could conceivably put down any date. That's what I was getting at.)

I said a quick thank you and tried to end the phone call quickly. You see, if you hang up before the person on the other end of the line knows what's going on, you send the message that you don't like her. But I think I hit the message button instead of the end button. Dammit. You know, these are the times where I had one of those old corded phones so that if you're really pissed at someone you can slam the receiver down.

---

Customer service sucks. But I didn't think I had to suffer through two humiliating run-ins the same day. Well, it's happened to me plenty times before, I guess I just hope it never happens.

Later that afternoon I had to fill up my car. I went to this particular gas station because I had a coupon for 10 cents off per gallon for this place. The pump was pumping gas really slowly, like only half as fast. What the fuck's going on here, I thought. To pass the time I did other things -- looking under my car for rust, scraping slush off of the wheel wells. When I heard the click of the pump I was all, Fuckin' finally! But when I put the pump back I realized I forgot something: to pump enough gas to round up to the next full gallon to get that extra 10 cents off. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew I shouldn't've asked because I already knew the answer. But I thought I'd ask the cashier, just in case: "Uh, can you round it up?"

"No," she cackled. Cackled? Cackled?? Do I really need that? Fuck you.

Thoughts On The Inauguration

1) You know news reporters and editors on TV, radio and the Internet were hoping, even expecting, to be able to replay President Obama's oath in its entirety. And it was going to be momentous regardless of how it went. But let's admit it; he and Chief Supreme Court Justice John Roberts flat-out botched the thing. I can imagine people going, "Shit, now we're gonna have to cut the damn thing up."

2) The most amazing part of the day, in my opinion? Two million people. No arrests.

3) I hope people who may disapprove of Obama for president at least are happy for those who never believed this day would or could come.

4) First Lady Obama's lemongrass dress at the Inaugural? I'll say ... risky.

5) Wasn't the day awesome?

Our Nation Is Getting Our First Black President And I'm Running Around Getting Free Cosmetics?

Saw this on the news yesterday but didn't think anything of it because neither my mom or grandmother uses much makeup. But my sister does, and even though she's half a world away, she contacted my mom about contacting me about getting these free cosmetics as a result of that class action lawsuit.

Where was I? Across the metro at one of only two car washes in the Twin Cities I trust. Where was I when I could have gotten my mother's voicemail earlier? A hell of a lot closer to home. But when I turned on my cellphone after leaving the library I didn't check to see if I got any messages till I was at the car wash 20 minutes away. There began my adventure where I went home, picked up my grandmother, went to the other end of the metro area, stood in line (where, surprisingly, there were other guys lining up, told to do so by someone female, I presume), put my signature on a sheet of paper and picked up some body gel, mascara or cream that one is supposed to use only during the day or night. Y'all agree that the lines were long but moved incredibly quickly, right?

I wanted to be home for the extended network evening news, and so when I was told to come home to start this journey I was beyond pissed, but three things made me wise up: 1) With all the running around I had to do I knew I was going to be run ragged by the time I get home even if I did get home in time; 2) Let's just say that the stores were going on trust and therefore I let my emotions go and focused on getting free stuff; 3) Like I mentioned in my previous post, I was so tired the morning of that there was a likelihood I wasn't going to see all the Inaugural coverage I planned to see (and I didn't; I fell asleep around 8:30 and woke up around 12:30).

I printed out a list of specific giveaway items my sister wanted and put it in my coat. But there were a lot of other papers and receipts in there, so I threw those in my room. When I was at the mall, I couldn't find it in my coat. I just about threw a fit at Macy's because I printed out that list only to put it in my room. But when I get home for good I realize that it wasn't in my coat pocket but my shirt pocket. I actually made my grandmother wait while I wrote down the list on a public-use Macbook at the Apple Store.

I wonder if the stores intentionally conducted the giveaway on Inauguration Day in hopes they could sneak it under the people's noses. FAIL. If there's anything people will always line up for, it's free shit, and I assume a lot of them cheered for Obama and still had time to get their free fragrance or moisturizer.

The Axe Falls On The FAN

I used to work at the FAN. Like I've said before, working in radio is one of the best jobs in the world, and I'm permanently depressed that the industry is dying.

Well, they're squeezing out other people, too. Clear Channel, the now-private radio conglomerate, swung its axe on about 1,500 nationwide. For the FAN's programming, they shitcanned two people: Chad Hartman and Darren Wolfson.

I worked with them in the past; they're good, honorable people. (Hell, today is "Doogie's" birthday.) So I'm taking this layoff hard. Having someone I know, even an acquaintance, lose his job takes me back to the day when I lost my job on the last working day of 2006. I hope they'll be able to land on their feet in radio. I'm still searching in the wilderness.

Clear Channel pulls this shit, but I was hoping they'd be different now that they are no longer a publicly-traded company. I remember I was in El Paso the summer of 2001. In March my board op job at the FAN was replaced by the Prophet, an automated console program. As part of my duties over the summer there I had to work with an all-sports, totally syndicated station there. One guy who showed me the ropes of how they do it got fired a week after I met him. Another person who programs the commercial breaks got fired over lunch, after a meeting I had with her that morning and before another meeting I planned to have with her later that afternoon. She tore up the papers that were in her hand when she was told to leave; they laid there in shreds when I came back. Her co-workers were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It truly felt like they were traumatized. Can't companies plan to lay off people better and more humanely, or is scaring the shit out of the people who didn't lose their jobs their way of making them more productive? Or do they just want to be sadistic like that?

I need to find a new job now that my money's run out, but this shit I just can't take. I have to run back home and get into my bed, conk myself over the head with a dictionary and hope I never wake up. This world is too fucking scary. Too unfair and too fucking scary.

Oh yeah, I couldn't sleep last night because of my situation, so this morning I decided to do something about my morningwood and touch myself. Very little came out. Again.

Why Am I Not Going To The Inauguration?

It's an historic moment, I don't have a job, I've got some money, and similar people with no tickets, no housing, no idea of where to go or what to do and have this need to be in Washington to see Obama get sworn in are going. Why not me?

Huh. When I saw Charlie Gibson of ABC News, at a little before 9 o'clock on Election Night, fold his arms in front of himself, put his elbows on his desk and smile an impish smile, I knew It was coming. Obama had just won Pennsylvania and Ohio. At the top of the hour the West Coast states would be closing its polls, meaning networks would feel free to call races. Obama was going to win California, Oregon and Washington ... which meant that Gibson knew well before the top of the hour that he was going to announce that the nation would have a minority president for the first time in its long, glorious, tortured history.

So why not be a part of that? Hmmm ... that's a good question. The main thing is, I just didn't think of it at the time. I should've prepared for it right after Election Day, but I didn't think, "Man, I gotta go!" No, I didn't get that feeling till this weekend. I hate myself for wanting to do things when it's too late for them.

I have rationalizations too; wanna hear them? I voted for Obama, but I didn't actively campaign or canvas for him, and I thought the Inauguration should only be for those who truly believed. I don't think that's the case now, of course; I'm guessing there are a lot of people in my position who are going to be there, and many others who are not inspired by him but know history when they see it and are going. Also, it's going to be a lot of money; by Election Day I reckon that hotels were charging an arm and a leg for their rooms. I didn't have anybody to go with, though I'm sure there are a lot of singles making the pilgrimage anyway.

Worst of all, I guess I didn't want to see the reaction by my parents. I think they voted for Obama; they hated Bush. But to go out of your way to go to the Nation's Capital to pay hundreds of dollars for a room, walk several miles in the cold, get jostled by two million people and felt up by security, and hear the new President speak from several more miles away through a giant speaker? You're crazy, they would tell me. And I don't need that grief.

But putting that grief aside, it would've been something worth doing. Christ, why am I not going to the Inauguration?

OK, Now This Really Is The End

When I was invited to apply again for unemployment benefits, and then later when I read a USA Today article about President-Elect Obama's stimulus plan including even further extensions of dole money, I thought I could skate by a little longer. And my case wasn't rejected by the state; I had reduced benefits, but I had benefits, and I thought I could just pick up again after waiting a week.

But goddammit, I knew I was going to overlook something. I type in all my information as before, including the income I receive from my part-time job. But because my weekly benefit amount is reduced (long story short: I lost my two jobs two years ago, and when I applied this time around it was too long ago for them and the wages I got from them to count -- why didn't I see that?!), the money I make is more than that weekly benefit amount ... so I get nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And this is gonna happen every single week, and it ain't gonna change even if the new Prez gets the stimulus package he wants because I ain't gonna be eligible. I guess I could just say I didn't make any money ... but I'd be so busted.

Yeah, now I'm finished for good.

By the way, I have to admit that I ran upstairs and started touching myself because I was scared. Not a lot came out -- that's how scared I am right now.

Every Day I Wonder What Mood My Father's Going To Be In When He Comes Home. ...

And it's driving me fucking crazy. Why the hell do I have to care about how he feels? But every day for months now I wonder if I'm gonna get Happy Baba or Angry Baba. My thoughts for the vast majority of my day is, I hope he's not going to act all crazy and shit. The past few weeks he's been, um, normal. But in the back of my head I'm thinking he's even more due for a blow-up. And as much as I try to fight it, I subliminaly try and do things to assuage any bad moods he might be in when he comes home from work. Why do I do that? How can I live like this?

Movie Analogy

Wanted:Morgan Freeman::Jumper:Samuel L. Jackson::Push:Djimon Hounsou

Tonight: Hot Waitress, Bob Valvano Seems To Be An Asshole, Minnesota Is Not Loserville USA

My night:

• Went to see Mercurial Rage at the Kitty Kat Club right beside the U. tonight. Band is recommended; loved them for some time. Although I enjoyed the show, I couldn't help but scope out this really hot waitress. She had short hair and a low-cut turquoise sweater that showed off halves of two tattoos on her chest. I couldn't make them out, but I think the one on the left (her right shoulder) was a tat of her dog or cat. Anyways, chicks with tattoos are hot! But I know she'd never go for me because I'd never get a tattoo. The permanence of it, ew. ...
• Listened to ESPN Radio on the drive home, specifically the weekend late-night show with Bob Valvano. He had on Ric Bucher, an NBA beat writer for ESPN The Magazine. While trying to finish an answer on Greg Oden, Valvano just burst in, cut him off and signed him off because he needed to go to commercial. Bucher just said, "OK, bye." This is the second rude thing he's done to somebody in as many weeks. He has a call-in version of "The Match Game" where he invites listeners to not only play but to be part of the panel. Well, one of the guys didn't hear the sentence so he didn't know how to fill in the "blank," and he told Valvano that he didn't hear it. So Valvano just hung up on him. You know, Valvano, those are real bullshit moves to pull. Maybe he didn't hear you because you talk so goddamn fast. And maybe Bucher could've finished his thought if you didn't spend the whole fucking hour talking non-sports related nonsense, and then digressing to other non-sports related nonsense. Asshole.
• Hey, the Timberwolves won in Phoenix! Could this be the greatest two nights in Minnesota sports history? The Gopher men's and women's basketball teams and the Wild won last night, the Timberwolves and the Gopher men's and women's hockey teams won tonight! Six wins and no losses!

So I'm Shitting In The Only Public Bathroom I Feel Comfortable Shitting In. ...

It's at the University of Minnesota, and I like it because it's relatively isolated and quiet -- especially so now because of winter break. I can shit in peace while thinking about ... stuff. And if the stuff I'm thinking about scares me, well, I'm on a shitter.

Still, the threat of other guys coming in and not only using the sink or urinal but using the only other stall in this bathroom. Thankfully, I think this has only happened once. But not on Wednesday.

So I was trying to take a dump in My Stall, thinking about my life and what's happened to make it go so wrong and rubbing my eyes as a result when I hear someone not just open but burst through the door, like he really needed to go bad. Oh no, I thought, just go pee, please. But no, he used the stall next to me ... but not before he went up to My Stall. He probably stopped after he saw me on the throne through the slit between the door and the thing attached to the door's hinges. Hey asshole, next time do what I do and stoop down to look if you see any feet in the stalls.

With this stranger next to me my sphincter puckered up. His seemed to do the same, because after he sat on his toilet there was a lot of seconds before I heard even a fart. He must've been thinking, "What the fuck is this guy next to me doing?" Waiting for you, perv, I ain't going to drop any fecal matter so long as you're there. But I waited him out and I succeeded; he may have shit a few rabbit droppings before leaving. I was on the crapper before him and I still was after. He must be wondering. Actually, thinking about it makes me laugh.

Since losing my dole money, I think I've gotten my shit together, or at least calmed down.

I tried reapplying again; wish me luck. But I consumed a lot today, starting in the afternoon -- a sub sandwich my sweet grandmother made me, then a huge plate of noodles, then a Vanilla Coke, and then an hour later some nuts chased with a can of Sunkist.

I feel fat. To make up for it I'm doing crunches on my stability ball. Aren't crunches just sit-ups?

I also applied to two other jobs online just now (late night). Nothing like losing your income in this scary world to make you do things.

The End

I posted earlier that my unemployment was going to run out earlier than I thought. Well, turns out it ran out earlier than I thought I thought.

I applied for my weekly dole check. I told me my benefits year "ran out."

I'm fucked.

And now I have the above link to look forward to. People with such dignity being struck so low.

My God, what's happening to us? What's happening to me?

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: Positive Numbers). New #1 after beating the shit out of Ohio State by a combined score of 21-3 (feels good to be better than Ohio St. at something). That makes it 14 in a row. Hey Twin Cities, you want a winner? These ladies are it. They're at home this weekend for two against a probably overmatched Bemidji State squad. Go! Me ... um, it's going to be cold this weekend and there might be snow on Saturday, uh, I'll go later in the season.

#0: Swarm (First Appearance!). This is how high the local pro lacrosse team's profile is: I thought their first game was their win against San Jose Saturday when in fact they began their season with a win at Portland the Saturday before, and so I didn't put them in my inaugural survey last week. Sorry! But this team is undefeated, and they will be undefeated because theyy don't play this week. Hopefully they're on their way to the playoffs again -- and this time they won't fuck up and lose at home!

#-1: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -1). A great win at Iowa proves that they can win on the road in a bad season for the Big 10. Followed it up with a 20-point victory at the Barn against Penn State. Although there are more successful teams, this is the glamour squad in the Twin Cities right now. But will they do anything in the tournament? I feel so good about this club I give them a fighting chance going to Wisconsin and Northwestern.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: 0). A gutty win at Target against the Bucks extended their streak to five, but it ended now that they faced a good team, Miami, even though they played them tight. Banishing Rashad McCants may have been the best thing to this team. Does McHale really not suck as a coach? He certainly could go back to sucking because the Woofie Dogs go out to the warm Southwest for three this week.

#-3: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -3). Ho-hum -- a win at home against Indiana followed by a loss at Iowa. The latter takes a shine off their gutsy victory at Illinois the week before. I like women's basketball (partly because I can get a good seat at a decent price, unlike the men, but still) even though I have no idea who's on top of the conference and whether the Big 10 is strong this year. As far as I know, this horse trading is giving the Gophs no chance at the tournament. Could be another 1-1 week.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -5). They went on the road for two and lost both; they come home and whip the Bastard Winnipeg Jets, a team whose number the Wild apparently have. They still can't score with any consistency, though, and no matter how much Mikko Koivu steps up or how many role players rise up and have a great game (like Cal Clutterbuck in their win Tuesday), they're not going anywhere. Do you resign the up-and-down Niklas Backstrom with Josh Harding, who made a huge mistake in going out and failing to grab that loose puck on that goal against Columbus, waiting in the wings, thereby continuing this franchise's history of shuffling through goalies like Elizabeth Taylor did with husbands? They're loading up with four games this week before the All-Star Break.

#-5: Wrestling (Last Week: #-4). Finished sixth at National Duels. Sixth. For a program of this stature, that should be unacceptable. But the title they won just two years ago seems farther and farther away now that they have slipped into mediocrity. At least we know where these guys now stand; in their 3-2 weekend they beat ninth-ranked Wisconsin but lost to sixth-ranked Ohio State. So they're no worse than 9th, no better than 6th. Great. Enjoy your break.

#-6: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -2). Got humbled at unranked North Dakota State by scores of 6-3 and 6-1. Are they so lost without their coach that they shouldn't be ranked even thirtieth let alone third? Or is this talented-on-paper team going to screw the pooch late in the season again? At least Lucia will be back for their home-and-home this weekend versus the most racist university in the state, St. Cloud State.

The Death Of My Shopping Mall

About my impromptu trip to the local mall on Sunday. ...

Passed by Steve & Barry's on my way in. I saw in visits past that the store was being cleared out, but this it was being cleaned out with the help of moving vans. I peered through the interior entrance to what once was S&B's -- nothing but shelves. I had a feeling when I first saw this shop, waded through the college-themed items and the rock-bottom prices that this store chain wasn't going to last. It's like a shoe store some time ago called Just For Feet: Too much crap for too little price points. And it just gave off this fly-by-night stench. I was right in thinking this place wasn't going to last. I wonder how Sarah Jessica Parker feels.

But what I was surprised of was that the Gap was closing, too. Why? There won't be another Gap within 15 minutes of me, but I guess that wasn't enough to keep this place open. Now I know Gap Co. have had some troubles the last half-decade or so, but never in my wildest dreams did I think this location would go under. Maybe I should have known. Sad; where am I going to get my cheap boxers and socks now? (Mental note: Get a pair of $16 jeans soon. No, I don't think I should be spending money. But I like to think of it as a condolensce gift.)

Walking through the rest of the mall I couldn't help but notice so many big signs on so many stores advertising "Clearance." Man, this is a great time to buy shit ... if you have the money. I just hope none of these guys follows Steve & Barry's and Gap. It's a good mall -- lost my car keys there once, but that's not her fault -- and I'm already scared that losing an anchor tenant and a well-known clothing chain will make people compare it to a truly dying mall close by, Brookdale. Any more and we officially can call my mall a FAILED mall.

So A Jostling Of My Locked Door Knob Wakes Me Up Sunday...

And so I wake up. It's my grandmother. "We have to buy vegetables," she said. Goddamn, and I wanted to stay home so I could watch football.

She does this about once a week. We go to this Asian grocery store where she inevitably buys too much stuff. The thing I hate about this place most of all is their shitty plastic bags. I don't know what poisonous chemical they use to make it easy to open up the bags, but I'm more than fucking willing to lose five years of my life just so I don't have to spend five goddamn minutes trying to pull the mouth open wide without doing that gross shit of licking my fingers because this place opts to buy the cheaper, need-a-master's-degree-to-use bags.

But this visit was much worse for the fight I had with my grandmother. Last time, as we're about to check out, she hauls out this plastic bag filled with coins. Before I could tell what she was doing, she was emptying them out and making the poor cashier girl count them. There were at least two people waiting behind her and my grandmother has the balls to make them fucking wait just so she can empty out her dimes! I angrily move her aside to start counting too. Turns out she was two bucks short. I had a twenty, so I ended up giving the checkout girl my twenty and two piles of dimes and I had to fucking put all the rest of the coins, all seventeen dollars of them, back into the bag. What the fuck.

So back to the present day. We're ready to go. We see the checkout girl again and she's about to finish with a person, so I line up the cart in her lane. She angrily takes the cart, pulls it to the next lane and starts yelling at me: "She's too slow!" We instead line up in the lane where a guy is checking out. I hate it when my folks are blatantly sexist, especially when they're wrong; this guy had a person to go through, and it looked like the girl my grandmother had an issue with from our last visit was going to finish first. And she did, which obligated me to start yelling back at her, "See? See?! She's done first!" She waves my hand at me. Grandmother, the reason for your bad visit last time wasn't her, it was you and your goddamn coins.

And she pulls out that fucking dimebag again. This time I'm on it; I throw her aside and start counting well before the checkout dude totals us up. And this time she's only a dime short.

After that ordeal, she surprises me by telling me to go to a Cub Foods to get water. No, you don't get to ambush me with that shit. I'll get it, after I drop you home.

And making me go out fucked up a bunch of my plans. I have a rule where if I spend money on one thing, I need to spend it on another thing. It's about trying to budget, trust me. But now because I spent a dime at the Asian grocery store, I have to buy something else. So I went to mall to just hang out and buy an Orange Julius ... without realizing, and then ignoring, that I would have to buy water at Cub. Man, I didn't want to pay any attention today!!

Also, I wanted to wait till Monday to get gas for my car. I used what little I had left on this stupid trip. So I had to drive 10 miles to a gas station I had a coupon for. Price I paid: $1.76 per gallon. I thought it'd drop today. How much was it? $1.68.

Goddamn you, grandmother, you owe me $1.20.

Why The Fuck Is This On The Front Page?

Not that I don't think it's a good story, it's actually kind of cool. But Jesus Fucking Christ, This. Does. Not. Lead. Your. Homepage. Israel's about to occupy Gaza. There's tainted peanut butter being recalled. There were two fucking playoff football games today. Lead with those, not ... this!!!

I had high hopes for CNN when they were trying to fight back against FOX News when their ratings started to skyrocket by saying, "The news is the star." Just after that, they sold out. I had thought of them, as good, honest journalism. This, well, this may be the last straw.

This pandering is why I couldn't bring myself to go into TV reporting after college. Just go to the homepage and see for yourself before they change the lede to something else, like the guy that got stuck on the chairlift and wound up upside-down with his ass and dick showing.

Cell Phones: Vibrate Or Not Vibrate?

I hate cell phones. If you put it on vibrate you can never hear them when you're doing something. Yet if you put them on loud and it goes off in a library or a movie theater, people will look like you farted -- which has also happened, but anyway:

My phone was on vibrate, but I kept it on in case my parents needed something. I was at the local coffeeshop for some coffee, but I park at the produce shop across the street because the coffee place's parking makes you reverse, and I hate reversing. Anyway, I get home, scrape the snow off the bottom of my rusting car (there wasn't a whole of snow, thank Buddha, because it was really cold so there was no slush and there hasn't been a whole lot of snow for the past few days so there wasn't a whole of snow to deal with on the roads, even though it was supposed to snow 1-4" which caused me to cancel and then un-cancel an appointment ... anyway), open the garage door, help open the garage door because the motor is old and is no longer strong enough, drive into the garage and turn off the engine.

That's when I look down at my phone: voicemail. Goddamn, it's someone calling from the house needing something from the produce shop, isn't it? Yes it is -- it's my mother needing tomatoes. So I sigh, turn on my engine, back the fuck out of the garage and shut the garage door remotely.

But that's when I hear some screaming. It's my mom. I can tell it was her screaming; I hear it when she's yelling at me or my father. She's running out of the house, in below-freezing temperatures, to tell me that my grandmother found tomatoes in the fridge ... and that if I was just dashing to the greengrocer's, don't bother closing the garage door. Sigh. So I have to get out of the car to help open up the garage door, park the car back in the garage and just fucking get inside.

So how is this fucked up?

• I turn on my phone and I still can't answer calls because I forget to fucking take it off vibrate while I'm driving.
• If a garage door motor burns out, like my father says, I made it crank its chain one more time than was necessary. Poor garage door motor.
• I start my engine to back out onto, then back drive off of, my driveway. Every time you turn on your car, the oil starts to get dirty unless you drive the car fast and long enough to boil the impurities away. Since I didn't, I have to drive somewhere far and quickly tomorrow or else the oil and then my engine will fucking turn into sludge.

Vibrate or not vibrate?

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

I've been wanting to do this for some time. While cities like Seattle and Detroit are going through extremely hellish sports seasons, I believe the Minneapolis/St. Paul metropolitan area have not had it going good for them for a while either. While it's been almost two years since we've seen a collegiate national title (thank you, Gophers wrestling!), it's been 17 years and counting since we've had a pro title (guess we should thank you, Twins, but what have you done for us lately?).

So once a week (cross fingers) I'm going to order our pro teams and some prominent University of Minnesota teams according to how they're doing lately. There are some rules I plan to follow:

• Unless there's some news that I want to write about, the weekly survey only covers teams that are actually playing.
• Winning and losing will be the main criteria. However, signings, front office moves, off-field incidents, even something as supposedly benign as uniform changes are all fair game in this survey. I will even rank teams not playing if the news is significant.
• They will be ranked by negative numbers, from -1 to whatever, because the sports scene in this town is so negative they'll have to prove us wrong by pulling off a string of championships before we start to think we're not just a cursed sports town.
• I will make exceptions. If there is a team that's got a bit of a streak going, I may put them at 0, just to point out their success. If they do something really special, I will place them in a special group at the top of the heap called "Positive Numbers." Let's not get too excited and give them an actual integer, but I ain't gonna hate.
• At the other end of the spectrum, long losing streaks, spectacular losses and boneheaded moves by a team's management can and will be given the ultimate low score: -infinity (is there an infinity button?). And it is automatic that an end to a team's season will get this damned designation. Hey, did one star-crossed franchise just lose in the playoffs?

With that:

Positive Numbers: Gopher women's hockey. A 12-game winning streak starting on Halloween is hard to beat. However, the last team the second-ranked Gophs lost to was Wisconsin, who are ranked number 1, are in the same conference, and still get to face them here. It doesn't look like they'll be able to unseat the Badgers is what I'm saying.

#0: Timberwolves. Four in a row? Good for them! For a long time I thought that Rashad McCants was underrated as a player on this team and that Randy Foye would never blossom to a good point guard. But maybe banishing #1 to the bench and simplifying the playbook for #4 -- not to mention scoring 6-of-9 from the Land Of The Three-Pointers and 26 points in the first half tonight against the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics -- was the best thing for the Ostrich (aka Kevin McHale). They still ain't goin' nowhere, but I have to give them props.

#-1: Gopher men's basketball: Great win against Ohio State ... after an ass-kicking to Michigan State, a vulnerable lead dog in another down year in the Big 10. Undefeated records are great but they don't mean a whole lot if they're against a bunch of low-level scrubs. How will they do in conference play on the road, starting at Iowa?

#-2: Gopher men's hockey: They are ranked 4th in the nation, but they have a lot of losses in their record. Worse yet is coach Don Lucia is sick with ... something that apparently even he doesn't even know. Hey, get that asshole Dr. House on the case! He'll view you as a medical case and not as a person, but you have no right to complain because he just saved your life!

#-3: Gopher women's basketball: Is it just me, or should there be more heat on Pam Borton? Her Final Four appearance came with predecessor Brenda (Oldfield) Friese's recruits, she ran off half her team several years ago, and she hasn't even sniffed the Big Dance since. They've won two in a row after losing three in a row, including at home to South Dakota State (a school that is coming up big this season, credit to them). Are they supposed to be in the tournament this year, or are we going to bask in the memory of Whalen-McCarville for yet another year?

#-4: Wrestling. If I started this last year I wouldn't've put them on the survey at all because I would've given them a one-year reprieve for winning a championship. But the way they thudded last year means there needs to be scrutiny in this program. This year looks like it's not going to be a great one either, exposed as incapable in losses to Oklahoma State and Nebraska. They're ranked 11th right now, but aren't there only, like 15 wrestling programs in the country?

#-5: Wild. They suck less. That 1-0 win at Boston, the best team in the East, is a great accomplishment, and congratulations to Niklas Backstrom for being named to the All-Star Game. You can put that on your resume when you shop it to other teams after the season since it looks like North Stars v.2.0 won't re-sign him. Oh yeah, and that shutout still proves that this team still can't score. It sucks that the only person who can create his own shot (Marian Gaborik) has an old man's hip, is shelved for the season and wants out. We should be spending money like Detroit, yet this team continues to stick to a development system that hasn't panned out.

#-6: Gopher football. Their defensive coordinator, Ted Roof, quit so he can do the same thing at Auburn, which is a reality check of where the Gophers are in the hierarchy of college football. The same day, the offensive coordinator, Karl Dunbar, quit because head coach Tim Brewster hired running game maven Tim Davis to supplement/replace Dunbar's spread offense. Plus they end their season losing five in a row. It feels like they went winless in their conference again, doesn't it?

#-Infinity: Vikings. Like I said in an earlier post, all seasons that end without a championship is a failure, but I'm not too bent out of shape over the loss to the Eagles. That said, there are a lot of good players on this team capable of bringing home a Super Bowl title and they're not getting younger. I don't know who you're going to get who's better than Tarvaris Jackson, but this is not a development league, this is a freewheeling free-agency league that the hard salary cap has devolved into a pickup game. The means to just plug in a better QB is there and should be explored, even if there isn't a better QB out there. Wait till next year?

I Guess I Miscalculated...

This may truly be the end of the line for me.

Like many of you, I've been out of a full-time job. I've been lucky, even blessed, to have unemployment money come in so I don't have to worry. Even when it started to run out, the government and good ol' George W. Bush stepped in and extended my benefits twice, the second time getting me to around the end of March, where it'll finally start warming and I will more than ready to rid myself of my cabin fever and do ... something.

Well, I'll be damned today when I logged in, did my perfunctory click of buttons to get my weekly paycheck. Except there was one extra line in my process page:

"You have $595 left in your account."

WHAT??? I thought I had till my birthday, around college basketball tournament time at least, before I had to choose. That ain't gonna fuckin' get me to the end of this month! Are you sure? Are you fucking kidding me?

I can't check it now, but I assume that's what they're saying, so I am screwed, big time. Y'all know there ain't a damn thing out there right now. On top of that, I'm trying my best not to go back to the shit jobs I had before. They were sucking the life out of me before I quit one and lost the other. But now, just so I can have income so my parents won't threaten to kick me out of the house and so I'll have money to go to strip clubs, getting a shit job is exactly what I'll have to do. If I find one, that is.

And I thought about going back to school, but for what? Nothing interests me. All this time I'm trying to figure out what I want to do, but all I want to do (sleeping in, reading the newspaper, surfing for porn on the Internet, stripclubbing, bitching about sports) are things you can't make money in. I sure as hell know what I don't want to do: work and go to school. But the end of my time on the dole will force me to do something I don't want to do, or what I should be asked to do.

Most of us are leading lives far short of what we wanted them to be. I don't want to be one of those people, I really don't. But I've just run out of time before finding something I enjoy doing. I hate this, I hate it all. It's so goddamn unfair.

I signed up for this self-defense class in town, just in case a mugger or my father wants to take a run at me. I thought it started next week, so I could sign up for both Mondays and Wednesdays so I could exercise because I'm fat. But I lost the brochure mailed to the house so I had to go to City Hall. There, I find that the Monday class started last Monday, so I only signed up for the Wednesday class.

I drove 25 miles to the outlet mall to buy some Nikes. Are they necessary for a self-defense class? Won't my ratty, busted old Nikes suffice, especially if I'll probably be wearing them when I'll need to use my self-defense techniques? (Will I be the only guy there? Ooh, I didn't think about that question.) And should I be buying these knowing the money's about to run out? I was still in shock, however, and I bought them for $20.

I then went to the Barnes & Noble for a mocha. I've gone there for a year so I could indulge my love of reading magazines for three bucks at a time. They have a member card; $25 and you save ten percent on your coffee. I calculated; I would need to purchase a mocha 84 times over the next year before I finally start saving with this card, a frequency about once every 4 or 5 days. Thing is, starting last spring I'm pretty sure I hit it. But now, I can't; I might be working or in school or just too tired from working or being in school to do it this year. The baristas, all nice and cute girls, keep plugging it, but I know they've done the math. They're probably disappointed I didn't buy the card early last year so I could save money.

They say it'll snow later this week, but it was close to freezing and it was sunny, so what the hell, I'll get the car washed today. How often should you get your car washed, anyway? It's the first time I go the car wash close by me. It's always packed; it took about 25 minutes to wait and get through the whole process. They were so busy that they just didn't put my soggy and nasty floor mat through its floor mat cleaner. I get in, give the guy $2 in tips (because I know they didn't clean the mats), I step and "squish!" Fuck 'em. And because the roads are slushy with melting snow, my fucking car got dirty again. And my car's rusting, too; why the hell did I get my car washed when it just fucking got dirty again?

I'm scared. I'm pissed, and I'm very, very scared. I don't know what to do.

The Continuing Death Of Radio

I love radio. The only job I truly loved was, no joke, board operator. I was by myself, had no one yelling at me or telling me what to do, I could watch TV or surf for porn on the company's computer, and when I was done doing that I could listen to sports on the radio. I also loved working odd hours. For about a year and a half I had the run of the place to myself on Sunday nights. That meant I could listen to the Sunday night baseball game broadcast by ESPN Radio while watching it on ESPN -- or watching something else, like Prime Minister's Questions on C-SPAN (I miss that).

I hate it when people lose their jobs. Especially when it's radio, a medium I love but know is dying. And also especially when it's the people working the odd hours, like what happened to the two guys holding down the fort for WCCO, the long-time news-talk station in town. They are, in the bottom of their hearts, misanthropes who love being awake when the world is asleep because when they drive home from the station's downtown Minneapolis studio, they'll be smoking down the highway as they see traffic the other way backed up a mile. (I worked overnights in other jobs.) But they have syndicates doing that now. Sad. What can these hosts do now?

And Now The Vikings Won't Win The Super Bowl For The 48th Straight Year

The Vikes were touted as a Super Bowl team at the beginning of the year. And even though I think that any season that ends short of winning a championship is a failed season, I'm not too bummed about it. Still, the Vikes fans who were reluctant to buy tickets because they didn't want to shell out so much money to see them lose were fucking right, dude, and that gets at my craw.

Watching the game, I have to temper the belief that Tarvaris Jackson is the whole problem. He played a pretty good first half. I know for a fact that the Eagles blitzed him some in the first quarter and T-Jack did a good job finding open men. Then the Iggles didn't blitz him in the second quarter even once, and he was still making completions to move the ball, that dumbass interception returned by Asante Samuel notwithstanding. They resumed blitzing in the second half, and he fell apart, but that doesn't erase what he did earlier in the game or in the games in December that got the Vikings here. It's just that the Eagles made some adjustments, and with the stakes raised and the opponent bearing down, Jackson couldn't rise to the occasion. However, he ain't to blame for the defense failing to stop Brian Westbrook on that screen pass, or for Matt Birk not snapping so much as rolling that ball on the neck-breaking fumble. In close games between good, evenly matched teams, those moments cost games and end seasons as much as any one dud of a performance.

Some say Jackson's a failure. I won't say so ... yet. That he peed a little down his leg should be no different from the performance Offensive Rookie of the Year Matt Ryan turned in in the Falcons' loss to the Cardinals on Saturday. Besides, if you blow up the QB spot, who the hell are you going to get? And if you start with a rook, do you think he'll develop in time before the Williams Wall and Jared Allen and even Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson have to be removed from this team? What makes y'all think we wouldn't be in the same position again if we got, say, Mark Sanchez? Is going through this shit again with a quarterback you haven't grown to hate yet good enough for you?

Oh, the questions. ...

Fanhouse Posts About Titty Bars

Fanhouse, a great sports blog headed up by -- eek! -- America Online, posted a quick travel guide for each city hosting an bowl game this year. I decided to get in on the act by providing an entry for stripclubs in the area. I finally got done with all of them just now. If you want, just scroll down to the comments section and look for my name. Hope you enjoy.

I tell my parents I'll be out today so I won't eat. I say it this way: "Mom, are we eating anything special last night?" "Not really," she says. So I don't feel bad for telling her I'm not eating tonight. But then I look into the oven and say two racks of ribs ready to be cooked. Um, that's a big fucking meal. "We were going to have ribs but not anymore," my mother said.

See, this is why I have so much guilt. I knew I had a viewing party I was going to, and even though it was in the afternoon I didn't feel like going back until I go to a mall and then a strip club -- just because, it's a new year! The reason I don't tell them until the day of is because my asshole of a father always thinks me telling him in advance of my plans is an entryway into which he can assail me with questions I still don't have an answer to -- things like, "When are you getting a job?" or "When are you going to go back to school?" or "What are you going to do with the rest of your life?" I don't fucking know, haven't for years. So I just stop giving him a chance to pepper me like that by springing my plans the day of. Why would we be celebrating New Year's Day when we haven't in the past? But apparently they did tonight.

My Grandmother just came home. She said that if we weren't eating tonight we'll eat the ribs tomorrow ... but she presumed I was going to stay home tomorrow afternoon so she could go to the casino. Well, fucking Christ, I had plans tomorrow afternoon as well, so we can't eat the fucking ribs tomorrow afternoon, either. So I call my Mom saying that I'll come home early, but she and my Grandmother both shouted me down; my Grandmother volunteered to stay home from the casino tomorrow afternoon.

I just want to stay away from my father whenever possible, OK? Why do so many fucking plans have to change because of what I do?

Now I won't be able to enjoy myself tonight.

Welcome

Hi. This is the first blog post of what I hope will ... make me enough money so that I can make this my full-time job. Probably won't happen, which bums me out ... which is kind of the reason behind this blog. It'll be stuff about my unrealized life, as well as news about the imperfection and shortcomings of Man. I don't know if this will have any specific point-of-view or a consistent throughline, but my hope is that when I'm really, really depressed, I'll have enough inspiration to squeeze out a blog post. Maybe I'll be able to entertain you. Maybe I'll be able to blog every day. Or maybe not.

Hopefully I'll get AdSense to help me out. I don't mind selling out for the Man. Shit, I need the money, and I'd like to do it without working for -- or with -- any strangers. Once again, welcome. I hope you like it. And if you don't ... sorry.