For two reasons. One, I immediately volunteered to ask something that might have made my boss mad, and I was wrong, therefore it did. Second, well ... this is really embarrassing because I really fucked up ... I blew a bill. It was one of those I did a couple weeks ago because it was My Task and I knew what I was doing and No! I wanna do it, nyah! And I gathered all of the folders together because I was going to do them in one fell swoop ... and I totally forgot to check the special instructions. Therefore apparently the company was pissed that they were charged more than they should have. My boss kind of blew up on me and the other two temps, even though it was totally my fault. I think he's smart enough to know it was me. I mean, he can just check the invoice. So either he doesn't care and wanted it done right, or he knows I did it and he's just waiting to screw me over.
Look, I fucked up. I admit it. I am ashamed, completely. But goddammit, I know that if I just had to worry about stuff like that and not sorting envelopes or finding new folders or helping other people do their things or teaching people shit, I wouldn't have messed up. That's not an excuse ... wait, that's totally an excuse. And, to be honest, something I am going to stick with as reason I should not be totally culpable. OK?
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I now describe work like this: Every day I feel like I've been in a war. I know I am going to be blindsided, I just don't know how, and knowing I will be blindsided does not help if I don't know how. It's every single fucking day I am inundated, every goddamn day. I really don't want to go to work. Shit, even the paycheck doesn't feel like it's worth it now.
And I kind of think I'll be fired after today. Back-to-back howlers of mistakes will probably shove me out the door. And it may be a relief for all involved if I do get fired.
God, I so hate myself for making a bad situation worse.
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