The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: United FC (Last Week: -1).  Could this be a new dawn, a new day, for the Loons?  And could the organization's vaunted Three-Year Plan actually be panning out in Year Three?  They crushed the Earthquakes in San Jose Saturday, 3-0, and are now one of only four teams in Major League Soccer to be both unbeaten and untied.  Sure, it's only Matchday Two, and sure, MNUFC beat a an Earthquakes squad that is going through some serious rebuilding.  But remember that in last year's season opener, United lost at Avaya 3-2.  Neither Loons outfit last year or the first year could be seen as beating anyone on the road.  So a convincing win like this is solid progress, and because of lingering doubts over the immediate postseason fates of the two teams just below in this survey, I am giving United FC the top spot with a qualified non-negative score.

Now to step up in class; next Saturday they travel to Carson, Calif. to face Zlatan Ibrahimovich and the Los Angeles Galaxy.  They have a solid chance to win that; if so, that will get tongues wagging.

#-1: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -2).  The season-ending nine-Point loss at Maryland Friday was to be expected.  But this is a case where you should look on the bright side.  On Tuesday, at The Barn, the Gophers outlasted ranked Purdue, 73-69.  These guys have not reached 20 Wins yet.  But nearly all bracketologists say that that win over the Boilermakers sews up a spot in the NCAA Tournament -- moreover, a spot in the real tournament, not that fake ass play-in game bullshit.  That is worth something, even if the record can make you believe that presumption isn't warranted.

However, I am not giving this squad the top spot.  If I am wrong about Minnesota's certainty about getting into The Big Dance, and that if they get upset against Penn St. in the B1G Tourney Thursday they actually are out -- well then, a drop short of the top spot all the way down to the bottom would be much better than one from the absolute roof.  At any rate, I would suggest that they beat the Nittany Lions.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: 0).  This isn't really the purview of the WMNSS, but we have to talk about the anemic crowds at Mariucci for the Gophers' two-Game Big Ten First Round sweep of Michigan.  Both announced crowds were less than 2,000, and since those numbers are tickets sold, you can bet your ass that the actual attendance was fewer for both nights.

How can you explain a conference tournament weekend bringing in a ninth of the crowd that watched the Boys' State High School Hockey Tournament in St. Paul?  I've got some reasons.  In descending order:

• The team hasn't been good.
• The weather, especially for Saturday's game.
• Was the weekend before or after Spring Break?
• Ticket prices are high.
• It has been ... uh, six or eight years since the U. has played a tournament game, conference or NCAAs, on campus.
• No one gives a damn about Gopher hockey ever since Terry Pegula and the Big Ten realigned top-flight men's college hockey and, in detractors' eyes, destroyed the WCHA.

So, the actual reason is all of the above.  Thus, even though they went 2-0 this week, I still have to place them third because of the lack of outward caring by a dwindling fan base.  I also place them third because, even with the sweep of the Wolverines, they still have no shot getting an at-large bid through the PairWise.  So it's conference tournament or bust for the Gophers, who advance to a one-game Semifinal Saturday night at Notre Dame.  Minnesota is the hottest team in the league, so the chance to notch the upset at South Bend is there.  Or, this could be a rout, in which case it's best to hide this squad down here so the fall all the way down to -Infinity next week isn't so precipitous.

#-3: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  A very productive 4-1 screening week over the weekend in Austin, Tex.  They swept a pair of contests versus Texas Southern while winning two out of three against the host (and higher-seeded!) Longhorns.  Those are the quality wins this club needs.  This weekend they go to Tampa to play five games: Two against host South Florida and one-offs vs. Butler, Wichita St. and Florida-Gulf Coast.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6).  Hey, these guys had a good week!  Lost their only road tilt, to Detroit (and by 17), but won all three of their home games, including a come-from-behind Overtime victory over Washington and a rout of New York even though Karl-Anthony Towns was out injured.  Little note that I just picked up from Michael Rand of the Star Tribune: This month, the Wolves are 4-0 when Andrew Wiggins is not playing.

And yet this club is six Games behind the Clippers for the final spot out west.  This week they're on the road, necessitated because the Girls' State High School Basketball Tournament takes over Target Center.  They travel to Denver, Utah and Houston, three very good foes that could blunt this team's nascent improvement.

#-5: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!).  Look, I guess it doesn't matter.  It's going to be (or at least it should be) Wisconsin vs. the Gophers at the end.  But I still think it's a gut punch that the Badgers came into Ridder Arena and beat Minnesota to win the WCHA Final Faceoff Sunday by a score of 3-1.  (The U. beat Minnesota-Duluth the afternoon before, 4-1.)  That gives Sconnie the #1 overall seed while the Gophs get the 2-seed and, thus, several marks down in this week's survey.

For the NCAA Tournament Quarterfinal, they draw a home date Saturday afternoon against Princeton.  Win that and they'll be headed off to Hamden, Ct., the following weekend.

#-6: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -7).  I appreciate this club playing a tough schedule.  But JFC, they're now 3-11 after getting swept in the Seattle Baseball Showcase.  To be fair, all three Games were close.  On Friday they lost to defending champion, fourth-ranked and team that eliminated the U. last year, Oregon St., 2-1.  On Saturday they had a 5-4 lead on San Diego but lost 6-5 on back-to-back bases loaded Walks after eight Innings (the game was shortened due to time constraints).  And on Sunday they lost to host Washington, 7-5.  Only Monday's 3-2 win at Seattle University prevented a complete wipeout of a weekend.  (Side note: The Redhawks Pitcher who threw the most Pitches is the son of a woman I am Facebook friends with.  I am Facebook friends with her because she used to bodybuild and I saw her pictures and she's fucking hot and I would tap that, even though she is married to what I know is a very good man, and now I feel kind of ashamed to not only admit that but to leave it in here.  Anyway, her son pitched pretty good.)

All is not lost.  But there's no use to challenging yourself if you can't succeed at some level.  This weekend brings another challenge: An intriguing, straight-up three-Game series at traditional power Long Beach St.

#-7: Wild (Last Week: -3).  A 1-3 screening week, and so I was totally prepared to say something like, "Well, that mini-Renaissance was nice while it lasted," and note that the Mild have fallen out of the playoff picture.  But I'll be goddamned, as of right now, this fucking team still has the last playoff spot in the Western Conference.  They have teams nipping at their heels, of course; The Bastard Winnipeg Jets are a Point back, and The Bastard Quebec Nordiques are only two.  But try as the Mild might to give away their postseason chances, somehow the rest of the West keeps giving it right back to our team.

The good (or bad) thing about this upcoming stretch is that, with The Tourney finally over, this squad is back at home for the next four games: The Team That Was Stolen From Us (which is also only a Point ahead of the Mild) Thursday, Rangers Saturday, Islanders Sunday.

#-8: Gopher wrestling (Re-Entry!).  Finished fourth in the B1Gs, held at Williams Arena, over the weekend.  But that's not the saddest thing about this weekend for the grapplers.  You see, Gable Steveson had been the #1 Heavyweight in top-flight wrestling.  He was mowing down opponents as they stood in front of him.  His performances Dual after Dual harkened back to the halcyon days of the program, with J Robinson imperiously coaching up his monsters to victory after victory.  Steveson, basically, is the most memorable rassler who has worn the "M" in, oh, a decade.  And have I mentioned that he went into the weekend undefeated?

No more, goddammit.  In the Final, he got upset (sure he was the second-seed, but it still counts as an upset) by Penn St.'s Anthony Cassar, 4-3, on a late takedown.  Not only was that Steveson's first blemish wearing the maroon-and-gold singlet, that ended any chance Minnesota was going to have a conference champion.  It's been a few years, and it might be a few years longer, especially if Steveson can't get back up off the mat, literally, and now upset Cassar and/or Oregon St.'s Amar Dhesi and/or Oklahoma St.'s Derek White in the NCAAs in two weeks.

#-Infinity: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -5).  This season, which really should be three seasons in one, ended with a surprising thud in the B1G Tournament in Chicago Thursday, where they got upset by lower-seeded Indiana, 66-58.  I saw part of the First Quarter while hanging out at Rosedale.  The Hoosiers started off with the lead because the Golden Goofers shot cold, and apparently that was the hole this squad could not get themselves out of.

For one final time with these players: Yes, I should give them a mulligan because Lindsay Whalen is in her first year.  But remember that this team started out the year 12-0, beating a very good Syracuse team in the process, and rose to #12 in the country.  But then the club's second season started, when hey lost seven-of-eight.  That, combined with their otherwise shitty non-conference strength-of-schedule, ended their tournament hopes, even though they finished the season 7-2.  (The tourney loss to the Hoosiers is its own outlier.)  I don't know what to make of this, or how Whalen can fix it.  Well, she can fix it by getting more players, and/or having enough confidence to giving role players some PT in order to give her the depth she decided she didn't have and couldn't rely upon in the second half of the year.  That entails recruiting, and she has signed five, including a four-star-er in Jasmine Powell, a Detroit-area Point Guard (just like Whalen) from Detroit.  Good.  Build on that, and let's hope the U. can be less up-and-down and make The Big Dance next year.