#0: United FC (Re-Entry!). Overall this was not a great screening week for local sports. Nevertheless there is one team that got lucky by playing only one game, and the Loons responded by an absolute annihilation -- a 7-1 ass-kicking of FC Cincinnati. That six-Goal margin of victory is by far the greatest in MNUFC's time in Major League Soccer, and it's only the seventh time in league history a club dropped seven in a match. Sure, it's only FC Cincinnati, an expansion team that, not too long ago, shit-canned the Head Coach that got the squad so much success in the second-division USL that the whole organization got elevated to top-flight, plus they were missing a few people. But hey, you take your wins you can get them. FC Cincy is where United FC were two years ago ... and I'm sure that two years from now, when that franchise is in its first year in its new stadium, they'll remember what we did to them and try to do the same to us when the Loons come to the Queen City.
By the way, at one point during the frog-stomping Saturday the PA system started playing the start of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Now I'm not a huge fan of Queen, but I saw the movie over the winter and even I started getting nostalgic for them. I know everybody loves Queen ... especially everybody at Allianz Field. Listen all the way to the beautiful end; this is when I became a #loonforlife:
While the team has been on a good recent run of form, they really, really needed the three Points they got by beating up on FCC. But now they are back to facing decent teams on a busy week -- home to San Jose Independence Eve, then at Montreal Saturday.
#-1: Twins (Last Week: -2). This ballclub has been regressing to the mean for a while now, and it is starting to bite deep. Seems as though this is their fourth straight .500 screening week -- took two-of-three at home vs. Tampa, but lost the three-Game series at the White Sox over the weekend. Meanwhile the goddamn motherfucking New York Yankees have surged; on a current five-Game winning streak, they now lead the American League, rendering the Twinks third overall (the Dodgers still lead MLB overall with a 57-29 record).
Worse yet ... well, maybe this isn't the worst thing in the world, but still, with the best Twins team in a long, long time, it's a shock that only Jorge Polanco and Jake Odorizzi have been named to the American League All-Star Game. No Max Kepler? No Byron Buxton? No Jose Berrios? I initially was super-pissed about the snubs. But then I realized three things yesterday:
#-2: Lynx (Last Week: -1). OK, while you were looking away (or, frankly, while you haven't been paying attention at all) the Jynx have turned back into the joke they were for most of the first decade of their lives. They finished their throttling of the Fever in Indiana on Tuesday, but on Sunday, despite racing out to a big lead in Dallas, they choked it up and lost to The Bastard Detroit (By Way Of Tulsa) Shock. This was not the first time they've blown a lead.
Worse than that, the injuries continue to pile up. Yesterday/Monday it was announced that Forward Karima Christmas-Kelly has a right knee injury that will keep her out for the rest of the season. Meanwhile Seimone Augustus has yet to play this year because of her own knee injury and there's no timetable as to when she'll be back. Finally, it was revealed this past week that Guard Odyssey Sims was arrested on suspicion of DUI back on June 6.
And worst of all is the intermediate and long-term health of this organization. Maya Moore's reason to take the year off remain complex and inscrutable. But you should, if you can, read this story in the New York Times about what she's doing right now: Trying to get a prisoner freed from jail for a crime Moore believes he did not commit. A fascinating and even noble endeavor to do while you're taking a year off from playing professional b-ball. But as for a return to the Lynx, Moore drops this spine-chilling quote:
This week: Home versus Atlanta tonight/Tuesday night; at Connecticut Saturday afternoon.
#-3: (tie): Timberwolves and Wild (Last Week: -3 and -3, respectively). I always twin these two teams because, in many logistical ways, the NBA and the NHL inform each other. That gets very apparent during their offseasons. The NHL holds its draft one day after the NBA holds its. And (at least for this year) free agency in hockey started the day after basketball's -- yesterday/Monday for the former, Sunday for the latter.
These sports are twinned in one other way as well: The Woofie Dogs and the Mild both blew it, big time, and come away from this offseason (unless there's some deus ex machina-type transaction) with more egg on their face and questions about where the hell these two fucking teams are doing.
Let's start with the Woofs. The big buzz was centered around a possible signing of All-Star D'Angelo Russell from the Brooklyn Nets. He really didn't pop on my radar, but I got more excited the more I heard the moves being made by Wolves front office folks to try and get him. I heard that Karl-Anthony Towns is friends with Russell and actively tried to get him here. And the Nets' Wild-like coup of getting two big free agents, Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving, paved the way for Russell to leave Brooklyn.
And he did ... to the Golden State Warriors, Durant's old team. Don't know the machinations, but somehow the Warriors and the Nets agreed to sign-and-trade KD for DLo, blowing up Gersson Rosas's Plan A. Worse yet, it feels as though the Dubs took pity on the Two Elves and, for salary cap reasons, traded ex-Nets Shabazz Napier and Treveon Graham (and sent cash) to Minnesota. It's being called a trade, but right now, even Adrian Wojnarowski isn't saying what the Timberpuppies are giving up. This is basically Golden State saying, "I know you guys are bummed that you can't get your guy, but here, have some of our table scraps. You're welcome."
How humiliating is it to be so hamstrung by Andrew Wiggins's contract that any move you might be able to make can be blown up when a championship-caliber organization swoops in with a better deal. The only true free agent signing is one of yet another Dub, Jordan Bell. It shows promise, but shit, it ain't no D'Angelo Russell. Meanwhile, a lot of teams in the Western Conference got a lot better on Sunday. That will leave the Woofs in the dust, with a frustrated KAT going nowhere but to yet another 50-loss season. The statis of this franchise is mind-numbingly sad.
At least the Mild made moves. Whether they were good ones is highly in doubt. Wild General Manager Paul Fenton missed out on Phil Kessel after Kessel rejected the trade. He then said that the team is keeping Jason Zucker even though he has been shopped around to at least four other squads this calendar year. And then with seemingly no cap space to make a move under (although Defenseman Nate Prosser signed with Philadelphia), Fenton signed two guys yesterday/Monday.
Now, Ryan Hartman is someone I've never heard of. But Mats Zuccarello I have. He was signed away from The Bastard North Stars, so that's good. But look at the deal: Five years, $30 million total, plus a complete No-Trade Clause for the first three years and a limited list of squads he cannot be traded to (at least without his permission in advance) for the fourth and fifth years. The problem with this is that Zuccarello will be 32 years old when training camp begins. Minnesota is projected to be the oldest team in the NHL this season. And they still have a 1-2 punch of Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, both of whose production is diminishing while their contracts remain imposing and unmovable. This team has to get younger in order to rebuild beyond the mediocrity they're mired in now. So why in the fuck would Fenton sign up yet another aging player to yet another contract that will tie up money on this organization for the next several years? Who the hell is saying the Mild can win now? That is bullshit.
Nevertheless I was going to rank the Wild above the Timberwolves because I recognized Zuccarello's name. But then it was revealed that Fenton made this statement about him:
By the way, at one point during the frog-stomping Saturday the PA system started playing the start of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Now I'm not a huge fan of Queen, but I saw the movie over the winter and even I started getting nostalgic for them. I know everybody loves Queen ... especially everybody at Allianz Field. Listen all the way to the beautiful end; this is when I became a #loonforlife:
Mama, life had just begun...— Minnesota United FC (@MNUFC) July 2, 2019
...but now we've gone and have all of @allianzfield singing Bohemian Rhapsody
🔊 SOUND ON 🔊 pic.twitter.com/WDs7kk3ZfK
While the team has been on a good recent run of form, they really, really needed the three Points they got by beating up on FCC. But now they are back to facing decent teams on a busy week -- home to San Jose Independence Eve, then at Montreal Saturday.
#-1: Twins (Last Week: -2). This ballclub has been regressing to the mean for a while now, and it is starting to bite deep. Seems as though this is their fourth straight .500 screening week -- took two-of-three at home vs. Tampa, but lost the three-Game series at the White Sox over the weekend. Meanwhile the goddamn motherfucking New York Yankees have surged; on a current five-Game winning streak, they now lead the American League, rendering the Twinks third overall (the Dodgers still lead MLB overall with a 57-29 record).
Worse yet ... well, maybe this isn't the worst thing in the world, but still, with the best Twins team in a long, long time, it's a shock that only Jorge Polanco and Jake Odorizzi have been named to the American League All-Star Game. No Max Kepler? No Byron Buxton? No Jose Berrios? I initially was super-pissed about the snubs. But then I realized three things yesterday:
- This is the All-Star Game. People get injured or otherwise beg off of the roster -- by the handful in some years. I'm sure there will be people who drop out, and so some Twins will be asked to forsake their vacation and go to Cleveland for the ASG. The rosters for both squads are already bloated, and I'm sure the count for both teams will reach, oh, 50 by the time all of this is over.
- Maybe it's best for people we thought played well enough for the ASG not to play in the ASG. They could use the rest. And maybe this could be used as motivation.
- This is the fucking All-Star Game. This is an exhibition. I plan on going to Caffetto so I won't be bored at home to the point I feel like turning on the game next Tuesday. Who cares about these damn snubs?
#-2: Lynx (Last Week: -1). OK, while you were looking away (or, frankly, while you haven't been paying attention at all) the Jynx have turned back into the joke they were for most of the first decade of their lives. They finished their throttling of the Fever in Indiana on Tuesday, but on Sunday, despite racing out to a big lead in Dallas, they choked it up and lost to The Bastard Detroit (By Way Of Tulsa) Shock. This was not the first time they've blown a lead.
Worse than that, the injuries continue to pile up. Yesterday/Monday it was announced that Forward Karima Christmas-Kelly has a right knee injury that will keep her out for the rest of the season. Meanwhile Seimone Augustus has yet to play this year because of her own knee injury and there's no timetable as to when she'll be back. Finally, it was revealed this past week that Guard Odyssey Sims was arrested on suspicion of DUI back on June 6.
And worst of all is the intermediate and long-term health of this organization. Maya Moore's reason to take the year off remain complex and inscrutable. But you should, if you can, read this story in the New York Times about what she's doing right now: Trying to get a prisoner freed from jail for a crime Moore believes he did not commit. A fascinating and even noble endeavor to do while you're taking a year off from playing professional b-ball. But as for a return to the Lynx, Moore drops this spine-chilling quote:
"I don't know what the future is going to look like," she said. "We are just going to sit in this uncomfortable tension for a year and see."Was the fact that the WNBA designated Moore a "Core Player," and thus put her upcoming contract under strict, reserve clause-type restrictions, the "uncomfortable tension" she is talking about? If so, it doesn't sound as though she's itching to come back. And without Moore, the player who turned the Lynx from a laughingstock to, arguably, the league's marquee franchise will turn back into a pumpkin in time. They might be in the shit right now.
This week: Home versus Atlanta tonight/Tuesday night; at Connecticut Saturday afternoon.
#-3: (tie): Timberwolves and Wild (Last Week: -3 and -3, respectively). I always twin these two teams because, in many logistical ways, the NBA and the NHL inform each other. That gets very apparent during their offseasons. The NHL holds its draft one day after the NBA holds its. And (at least for this year) free agency in hockey started the day after basketball's -- yesterday/Monday for the former, Sunday for the latter.
These sports are twinned in one other way as well: The Woofie Dogs and the Mild both blew it, big time, and come away from this offseason (unless there's some deus ex machina-type transaction) with more egg on their face and questions about where the hell these two fucking teams are doing.
Let's start with the Woofs. The big buzz was centered around a possible signing of All-Star D'Angelo Russell from the Brooklyn Nets. He really didn't pop on my radar, but I got more excited the more I heard the moves being made by Wolves front office folks to try and get him. I heard that Karl-Anthony Towns is friends with Russell and actively tried to get him here. And the Nets' Wild-like coup of getting two big free agents, Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving, paved the way for Russell to leave Brooklyn.
And he did ... to the Golden State Warriors, Durant's old team. Don't know the machinations, but somehow the Warriors and the Nets agreed to sign-and-trade KD for DLo, blowing up Gersson Rosas's Plan A. Worse yet, it feels as though the Dubs took pity on the Two Elves and, for salary cap reasons, traded ex-Nets Shabazz Napier and Treveon Graham (and sent cash) to Minnesota. It's being called a trade, but right now, even Adrian Wojnarowski isn't saying what the Timberpuppies are giving up. This is basically Golden State saying, "I know you guys are bummed that you can't get your guy, but here, have some of our table scraps. You're welcome."
How humiliating is it to be so hamstrung by Andrew Wiggins's contract that any move you might be able to make can be blown up when a championship-caliber organization swoops in with a better deal. The only true free agent signing is one of yet another Dub, Jordan Bell. It shows promise, but shit, it ain't no D'Angelo Russell. Meanwhile, a lot of teams in the Western Conference got a lot better on Sunday. That will leave the Woofs in the dust, with a frustrated KAT going nowhere but to yet another 50-loss season. The statis of this franchise is mind-numbingly sad.
At least the Mild made moves. Whether they were good ones is highly in doubt. Wild General Manager Paul Fenton missed out on Phil Kessel after Kessel rejected the trade. He then said that the team is keeping Jason Zucker even though he has been shopped around to at least four other squads this calendar year. And then with seemingly no cap space to make a move under (although Defenseman Nate Prosser signed with Philadelphia), Fenton signed two guys yesterday/Monday.
Now, Ryan Hartman is someone I've never heard of. But Mats Zuccarello I have. He was signed away from The Bastard North Stars, so that's good. But look at the deal: Five years, $30 million total, plus a complete No-Trade Clause for the first three years and a limited list of squads he cannot be traded to (at least without his permission in advance) for the fourth and fifth years. The problem with this is that Zuccarello will be 32 years old when training camp begins. Minnesota is projected to be the oldest team in the NHL this season. And they still have a 1-2 punch of Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, both of whose production is diminishing while their contracts remain imposing and unmovable. This team has to get younger in order to rebuild beyond the mediocrity they're mired in now. So why in the fuck would Fenton sign up yet another aging player to yet another contract that will tie up money on this organization for the next several years? Who the hell is saying the Mild can win now? That is bullshit.
Nevertheless I was going to rank the Wild above the Timberwolves because I recognized Zuccarello's name. But then it was revealed that Fenton made this statement about him:
"I told him when I was talking to him that he's like a lizard, the way a lizard takes his tongue and sticks it as far as it does and retrieves what it was trying to do." — GM Paul Fenton on @Zuccarello36— Minnesota Wild (@mnwild) July 1, 2019
📰 → https://t.co/2V4Lig6AeV #mnwild pic.twitter.com/2tjfFXo1GJ
What the fuckety-fuck does that even mean?!?!?! Is Fenton as senile as Trump? If so, that explains the contract he gave Zuccarello. Because of that I'm just putting these two teams together. They're both goddamn losers.
(One other thing: Note that this statement was tweeted out by the team's account. Did anyone with the Public Relations department -- or any department with the Mild, for that matter -- maybe, oh, think that this quote is a bad one to put out there, maybe?! Either they want to make Fenton look bad or now there are entire departments that know the Mild are shit and are just mailing it in.)
Most of my winters in my life here have been ones of discontent sports-wise. And with the moves and non-moves by Teams Dumb & Dumber (you get to decide which one's which), it'll be just as bad this upcoming one, ffs.
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