I have to say this: Weather Channel, you don't have the fucking right to name winter storms.
First of all, they're just winter storms. There are several every year, probably more than hurricanes. That doesn't mean they need to get a name. They can be identified by the proximity to a holiday. For example, we still talk about the "Thanksgiving Blizzard" of 1991. That's enough.
Second of all, you're not the government. The government gets to name hurricanes because hurricanes are weather events of a magnitude much greater than winter storms -- sad but true! -- and it's an easy way to identify them in case they're bad enough to be etched into history books. "Well, why can't we get to name storms? The gummit gets to name storms but we can't?" Yeah, the gummit can name hurricanes but you don't get to name winter storms. Because they're the government and you're the fucking Weather Channel.
Third of all, does the Weather Channel really think these names are going to stick? Do you think Minnesotans or New Yorkers are those who had to sleep in their cars in Atlanta are going to look back on that storm 10, 20 years from now and say, "Man, do you remember Winter Storm Maximus?" Why the fuck are we going to anthropomorphize winter storms just because the Weather Channel said so? I hope this doesn't catch on. If so, that means a corporation has brainwashed us sheep into forever referring to a simple blizzard by a name a weatherman/executive producer/focus group chose. Come on, we're better than that!
I will say one thing: While Jim Cantore's shrill, melodramatic behavior belies his look of a meteorological Mr. Clean, he had the balls to knee this jackass college student, and he should have put a shoulder into that heckling punk and knock him on his ass:
But then the Weather Channel debases its own putative image as sober and straightforward by splashing this confrontation all over its website. Aren't you guys just supposed to talk about the weather instead of boasting about an on-location mishap? And the YouTube clip breathlessly asserts, "Cantore Knees Attacker." "Dumbfuck" is more accurate. "Attacker?" Get over yourself.
What you'll also see all over the Weather Channel site are ads telling you to call DirecTV and demand they bring back the Weather Channel. DirecTV dropped them over one of those carriage fee disputes. I say, if they're going to continue to be arrogant enough to think they can name storms, fuck them.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
One Thing I've Noticed About Our Really Cold Winter
Whenever I get into my car in the morning, if it's really cold, not just your ordinary cold morning but the polar vortex cold we've had several times this season, my door slams cleaner. I don't know exactly know how to describe it. Normally, when I slam the door shut, there's a ... resonating thud. But when it's cold, really cold outside, there isn't that resonance. It's as if the door is on a track, and it goes through that track, cleanly, without any friction, on its way to slamming shut. It has a pure pop when I close it. It's actually quite nice, even though it means to me that it's really darn cold outside.
Remember, this is an old car. I don't know how many times I've slammed that front driver's-side door, but it has to be hundreds. From the outside, you can tell that I've opened and closed that thing so often that it's starting to malign from its hinges. It should creak and rattle whenever I close it, and it usually does. But not when it's cold. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Yet another Wind Chill Advisory is in effect starting at midnight and lasting, so I hear, till noon. Which means that "clean sound" is back.
Remember, this is an old car. I don't know how many times I've slammed that front driver's-side door, but it has to be hundreds. From the outside, you can tell that I've opened and closed that thing so often that it's starting to malign from its hinges. It should creak and rattle whenever I close it, and it usually does. But not when it's cold. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Yet another Wind Chill Advisory is in effect starting at midnight and lasting, so I hear, till noon. Which means that "clean sound" is back.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -7). OK, the upset in Michigan stings, and should still sting. Nevertheless, the grapplers, currently ranked fourth in the country, beating #2 Iowa on the road 19-14 is one hell of a win. When was the last time Minnesota beat Iowa in Iowa? And is it possible they overlooked the Wolverines on Sunday to gear up for the Hawkeyes six days later?
Three matches proved pivotal in this upset. Possibly the biggest one came first, at 125, when unranked Sam Brancale not only beat his opponent, third-ranked Tom Gilman, but pinned him 123 seconds into the match. Brancale, a Redshirt Freshman, was named Big Ten Wrestler Of The Week. While the Hawkeyes posted back-to-back decisions to time the dual at 6, the Gophers came back with two of their own, the second being a very important upset decision by 14th-ranked Dylan Ness over #2 Derek St. John at 157. Iowa won two more decisions to knot it up at 12, but Minnesota took the next two matches, the second a major decision by #1 197-pounder Scott Schiller over 16th-ranked Nathan Burak, to seal the win.
They finish the regular season at home. This Sunday at high noon they host Indiana.
#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1). I wanted to go this North Star College Cup, but you know how this winter up here in Minnesota is going -- cold, then snow, then cold. Well, there was Father's birthday Saturday, so that's why I couldn't go to the consolation and championship games.
Regardless, the inaugural cup goes to the U. They whipped then #5 St. Cloud St. Friday 4-1. Then, in a really good street fight, the Gophers and Minnesota-Duluth traded goals four times until the end of regulation and through overtime. They won the shootout 2-0. Goaltender Adam Wilcox was named the tournament's Most Valuable Player and the conference's Third Star Of The Week.
They resume B1G play when they host Michigan St. Now that I know my schedule, I will be attending the Friday night game, which will begin at 8 because the Big Ten Network is going to broadcast a hockey conference doubleheader. Thank Buddha for content, huh?
#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5). I hate the game night splash page, where this team, instead of its original home page, puts up a running box score. They also add a toolbar that links to other NBA properties, such as the WNBA and the D-League. There is a link to the ordinary home page, but for some reason it won't get me anywhere. This is the first time that has happened, but I don't need to know how the Wolves are doing that night. I just need to see how they did over the past week. And after going to the ESPN team page instead, I can see that they finished their four-game road trip winning three of the games, going 2-1 this screening week. Their loss in Portland means that they once again failed to rise above .500.
However, they might be on their way to doing that tonight (Wednesday night), as they are currently running ahead of New Orleans. They also host Memphis before visiting Atlanta, then they host the Los Angeles Lakers.
#-4: Wild (Last Week: -6). Not to say that this team had a bad week. Not only did they also go 2-1, they beat two very good teams, Chicago and the team with the most points in the National Hockey League, Anaheim, and they only lost at San Jose in overtime. (The reason I put the Mild behind the Woofs is because their victory over Chicago was at home.) They've been on a good run as of late, even though they are still only seventh in the Western Conference. This week: At Colorado, at Calgary, home to Tampa Bay.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3). A pulsating 13-point win at Williams Arena over Wisconsin was followed up with a four-point loss in Nebraska against a Cornhuskers team that is pretty tough in front of their home crowd. However, they probably would win that game if Andre Hollins did not sprain his left ankle after making the first shot of that victory over the Badgers. One game this screening week: Home to Northwestern.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -8). Working during the day sucks. I mean, I'm happy that I have work (and I might have more coming even though this flu billing job is coming to an end; maybe I'll blog about it?), but it makes blogging hard. Either I have to stay up and write a bit past midnight, or I have to scramble to get the daily entry done in the evening, which I'm doing now. That makes doing the WMNSS hard because it allows the possibility that Wednesday night games will be done before I get done ... which is the case with the U.'s loss at home to Iowa. That follows up a 30-point loss in Penn St. that was televised on CBS, which in turn followed a 64-53 home victory over Wisconsin.
I really don't know what else to say except <sigh>. They visit Michigan Saturday.
Three matches proved pivotal in this upset. Possibly the biggest one came first, at 125, when unranked Sam Brancale not only beat his opponent, third-ranked Tom Gilman, but pinned him 123 seconds into the match. Brancale, a Redshirt Freshman, was named Big Ten Wrestler Of The Week. While the Hawkeyes posted back-to-back decisions to time the dual at 6, the Gophers came back with two of their own, the second being a very important upset decision by 14th-ranked Dylan Ness over #2 Derek St. John at 157. Iowa won two more decisions to knot it up at 12, but Minnesota took the next two matches, the second a major decision by #1 197-pounder Scott Schiller over 16th-ranked Nathan Burak, to seal the win.
They finish the regular season at home. This Sunday at high noon they host Indiana.
#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1). I wanted to go this North Star College Cup, but you know how this winter up here in Minnesota is going -- cold, then snow, then cold. Well, there was Father's birthday Saturday, so that's why I couldn't go to the consolation and championship games.
Regardless, the inaugural cup goes to the U. They whipped then #5 St. Cloud St. Friday 4-1. Then, in a really good street fight, the Gophers and Minnesota-Duluth traded goals four times until the end of regulation and through overtime. They won the shootout 2-0. Goaltender Adam Wilcox was named the tournament's Most Valuable Player and the conference's Third Star Of The Week.
They resume B1G play when they host Michigan St. Now that I know my schedule, I will be attending the Friday night game, which will begin at 8 because the Big Ten Network is going to broadcast a hockey conference doubleheader. Thank Buddha for content, huh?
#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5). I hate the game night splash page, where this team, instead of its original home page, puts up a running box score. They also add a toolbar that links to other NBA properties, such as the WNBA and the D-League. There is a link to the ordinary home page, but for some reason it won't get me anywhere. This is the first time that has happened, but I don't need to know how the Wolves are doing that night. I just need to see how they did over the past week. And after going to the ESPN team page instead, I can see that they finished their four-game road trip winning three of the games, going 2-1 this screening week. Their loss in Portland means that they once again failed to rise above .500.
However, they might be on their way to doing that tonight (Wednesday night), as they are currently running ahead of New Orleans. They also host Memphis before visiting Atlanta, then they host the Los Angeles Lakers.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3). A pulsating 13-point win at Williams Arena over Wisconsin was followed up with a four-point loss in Nebraska against a Cornhuskers team that is pretty tough in front of their home crowd. However, they probably would win that game if Andre Hollins did not sprain his left ankle after making the first shot of that victory over the Badgers. One game this screening week: Home to Northwestern.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -8). Working during the day sucks. I mean, I'm happy that I have work (and I might have more coming even though this flu billing job is coming to an end; maybe I'll blog about it?), but it makes blogging hard. Either I have to stay up and write a bit past midnight, or I have to scramble to get the daily entry done in the evening, which I'm doing now. That makes doing the WMNSS hard because it allows the possibility that Wednesday night games will be done before I get done ... which is the case with the U.'s loss at home to Iowa. That follows up a 30-point loss in Penn St. that was televised on CBS, which in turn followed a 64-53 home victory over Wisconsin.
I really don't know what else to say except <sigh>. They visit Michigan Saturday.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Triple Shot Of Overwhelmed ... (Scheduled Post)
... and all of this just for looking at my e-mail.
Since I have a smartphone I'm slowly putting my imprint on it. Tonight (Monday night) I was able to sync it up with my e-mail, and since I hadn't yet checked it today, I had, like, 14 messages to read.
One of them was a reply to an e-mail I sent to a contact at my university regarding a matter with our alumni club. It was in regards to a volunteer opportunity we have to run by headquarters. We had a deadline of two weeks ago, but I had yet to hear an OK; that's why I sent the e-mail. Well, he got back to me and said that he has received no such proposal. I worked on that fucking thing all through the late night and he didn't get it? Did I even do it at the right website?
Then I see another e-mail from one of the guys in the local chapter of the alumni club, forwarding a failure of an online donation to my alma mater. The company this money was donated to is something I haven't ever fucking heard of. They're saying they are sorry but plead for patience as they try to work the bugs out -- and they ask that they try to donate again in mid-February. What the fuck? What kind of philanthropic organization asks that you try to donate three weeks from now? Not to mention another obvious question: What the fuck does my friend from the club have to do with this? He's not supposed to get these e-mails, or any such e-mails, in fact. How do I get them sent to me? I don't know to get this changed, but I know that since I ascended to the presidency, I should have had that done yesterday.
And after all of that I notice yet another e-mail, this one from my temp agency. My contact use to reach out to me at the beginning of the assignment, then maybe a week after, then maybe a month after, and that was it. Well, he's gone, replaced by one and maybe two people I've never met, and the correspondence has cranked up ... just at the time my work with the flu billers is winding out. This e-mail sent today begs me to call them back when I have the time. This was sent in the middle of the day, when (at least I was told) I am not allowed to look through personal e-mails. So I missed talking to her until today, so I have all night to dread what she wants to talk about. Well, it's probably about the inevitable end of my employment, which is something I've known about for some time, and even planned around, if my vacation next week is any indication. Still I just don't know how to react if she says something to the effect of, "OK, so your job is going to end on this date ... what are you going to do next?"
Fuck if I know! Hell, I spoke to my aunt and uncle Monday evening and agreed to go out to dinner with their extended family because they thought my parents were still vacationing. And now, on top of this volunteer proposal that may have evaporated and this donation of sorely-needed money that vaporized in the 'Net and this talk with my employer about My Future, I have to shower and shave and eat with people I barely know?!
Oh, and it's still existentially cold outside.
Since I have a smartphone I'm slowly putting my imprint on it. Tonight (Monday night) I was able to sync it up with my e-mail, and since I hadn't yet checked it today, I had, like, 14 messages to read.
One of them was a reply to an e-mail I sent to a contact at my university regarding a matter with our alumni club. It was in regards to a volunteer opportunity we have to run by headquarters. We had a deadline of two weeks ago, but I had yet to hear an OK; that's why I sent the e-mail. Well, he got back to me and said that he has received no such proposal. I worked on that fucking thing all through the late night and he didn't get it? Did I even do it at the right website?
Then I see another e-mail from one of the guys in the local chapter of the alumni club, forwarding a failure of an online donation to my alma mater. The company this money was donated to is something I haven't ever fucking heard of. They're saying they are sorry but plead for patience as they try to work the bugs out -- and they ask that they try to donate again in mid-February. What the fuck? What kind of philanthropic organization asks that you try to donate three weeks from now? Not to mention another obvious question: What the fuck does my friend from the club have to do with this? He's not supposed to get these e-mails, or any such e-mails, in fact. How do I get them sent to me? I don't know to get this changed, but I know that since I ascended to the presidency, I should have had that done yesterday.
And after all of that I notice yet another e-mail, this one from my temp agency. My contact use to reach out to me at the beginning of the assignment, then maybe a week after, then maybe a month after, and that was it. Well, he's gone, replaced by one and maybe two people I've never met, and the correspondence has cranked up ... just at the time my work with the flu billers is winding out. This e-mail sent today begs me to call them back when I have the time. This was sent in the middle of the day, when (at least I was told) I am not allowed to look through personal e-mails. So I missed talking to her until today, so I have all night to dread what she wants to talk about. Well, it's probably about the inevitable end of my employment, which is something I've known about for some time, and even planned around, if my vacation next week is any indication. Still I just don't know how to react if she says something to the effect of, "OK, so your job is going to end on this date ... what are you going to do next?"
Fuck if I know! Hell, I spoke to my aunt and uncle Monday evening and agreed to go out to dinner with their extended family because they thought my parents were still vacationing. And now, on top of this volunteer proposal that may have evaporated and this donation of sorely-needed money that vaporized in the 'Net and this talk with my employer about My Future, I have to shower and shave and eat with people I barely know?!
Oh, and it's still existentially cold outside.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Nightmare
This morning I woke up around 5:30 after a vivid nightmare. I was looking at my feet on my bed (I think that happened because I clipped my nails Sunday night) and ants, possibly fire ants, entered inbetween my cuticles and nails. And all I could was just stare at these pests entering my body.
Shudder to think.
Shudder to think.
Phone-Wise, I Now Live In This Century
So as of Sunday, January 26 I have a new phone. It is an iPhone 4, courtesy of my uncle from Hong Kong, who, unbeknownst to me, has a lot of money, because when he visited my folks and uncle in Germany, he brought them two iPhones, one for my Germany-living uncle, and one for Mother, who in turn gave it to me.
I've been reticent about getting a new phone for a long time. I have a flip phone that serves all my needs nicely, and if it ain't broke, what needs fixing? Father gave me an iPhone, but I didn't use it. I told them it was because for some reason I couldn't receive calls. That was a complete lie. There were things wrong with it, most notably the time (it is the only device on which I can set an alarm; it's a small thing, but I have to reject it outright if it doesn't have that), but I could have used it. Honestly, I was bothered by this hand-me-down. I want my own phone, a virgin phone untouched by anyone except me. And now I have it. Sure, I didn't buy it, but from the introduction I saw when it was first turned on for me, it's like new.
That being said, I was kind of pushed into it. Father told me about the new phone Saturday night. Sunday morning I planned to put it in, but I didn't have a paper clip to open it, so I decided to just leave and work out for the day. When I came home Mother got it open and told me to put my SIM card in it. But, apparently the SIM card I have was too big for the iPhone slot. I'm so out of the loop (and didn't care) that I have no idea why this is or if this even is true. My SIM fit into Father's old iPhone just fine. Father told me to go to the mall and have my card cut the next day. I walked away instead; I figured I'll do it when I want to do it.
But after dinner, Mother orders me to bring her my SIM. She got to the dining room table with a head lamp and a razor. She was going to do some major surgery, that or cut lines of coke. Either way I didn't care. Short time later the iPhone 4 was working.
Everything was great ... until I tried to find my contacts. None of them were there. What the fuck? Why aren't my contacts transferring into my new smart? The guts of the SIM card are still there; I don't see why it won't. None of the messages I've kept, including and especially the very first one, from T-Mobile greeting me the first day I signed up with them in 2002, are in the new phone, either. If I had realized that this was going to happen when Mother trimmed my SIM, I would have told her to wait and I would have finally gotten around to doing what I thought of doing for a long time: Wrote down all my contacts in my day planner.
Wish I did that now. But obviously it's too fucking late for that. Sure, there's a way to "enlargen" your Micro SIM to "original" size, but I can see me not having the energy to do that shit. Therefore, I should be pissed off at my parents for making me sacrifice an important part of my past as well as numbers that connect me very much to my present. But I don't want to be unappreciative of this gift they (and my Hong Kong uncle) gave me. Besides, it really was time I entered the 21st century. Plus, the iPhone 4 looks pretty sweet.
I've been reticent about getting a new phone for a long time. I have a flip phone that serves all my needs nicely, and if it ain't broke, what needs fixing? Father gave me an iPhone, but I didn't use it. I told them it was because for some reason I couldn't receive calls. That was a complete lie. There were things wrong with it, most notably the time (it is the only device on which I can set an alarm; it's a small thing, but I have to reject it outright if it doesn't have that), but I could have used it. Honestly, I was bothered by this hand-me-down. I want my own phone, a virgin phone untouched by anyone except me. And now I have it. Sure, I didn't buy it, but from the introduction I saw when it was first turned on for me, it's like new.
That being said, I was kind of pushed into it. Father told me about the new phone Saturday night. Sunday morning I planned to put it in, but I didn't have a paper clip to open it, so I decided to just leave and work out for the day. When I came home Mother got it open and told me to put my SIM card in it. But, apparently the SIM card I have was too big for the iPhone slot. I'm so out of the loop (and didn't care) that I have no idea why this is or if this even is true. My SIM fit into Father's old iPhone just fine. Father told me to go to the mall and have my card cut the next day. I walked away instead; I figured I'll do it when I want to do it.
But after dinner, Mother orders me to bring her my SIM. She got to the dining room table with a head lamp and a razor. She was going to do some major surgery, that or cut lines of coke. Either way I didn't care. Short time later the iPhone 4 was working.
Everything was great ... until I tried to find my contacts. None of them were there. What the fuck? Why aren't my contacts transferring into my new smart? The guts of the SIM card are still there; I don't see why it won't. None of the messages I've kept, including and especially the very first one, from T-Mobile greeting me the first day I signed up with them in 2002, are in the new phone, either. If I had realized that this was going to happen when Mother trimmed my SIM, I would have told her to wait and I would have finally gotten around to doing what I thought of doing for a long time: Wrote down all my contacts in my day planner.
Wish I did that now. But obviously it's too fucking late for that. Sure, there's a way to "enlargen" your Micro SIM to "original" size, but I can see me not having the energy to do that shit. Therefore, I should be pissed off at my parents for making me sacrifice an important part of my past as well as numbers that connect me very much to my present. But I don't want to be unappreciative of this gift they (and my Hong Kong uncle) gave me. Besides, it really was time I entered the 21st century. Plus, the iPhone 4 looks pretty sweet.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Why Did I Lie?
I just panicked. I wanted to get around to tabulating that, but I got lazy and so I never did, and now that it's been months I don't really know the answer. But I should have. I should have been prepared, but I wasn't. And I should have known he was going to ask me, but I didn't. Wouldn't've mattered if he blindsided if I had the numbers, but I didn't.
So I pulled it out of my ass. And the amount is wrong, wildly wrong, at least twice as much as it actually is. Why? Why did I say that? I don't know, I really don't. I guess I was already not doing a good job, he was asking questions he should be asking, I already felt under the gun, and he deked me out with another question I couldn't handle. So I lied.
The question now becomes: How do I get out of this? I can't continue to lie this guy. Then again, I think he already has a low image of me; confessing will make that even lower, and I don't need that. Maybe it was a mistake. Yeah, I should say that. Or maybe I can lie.
What is fucking wrong with me?
So I pulled it out of my ass. And the amount is wrong, wildly wrong, at least twice as much as it actually is. Why? Why did I say that? I don't know, I really don't. I guess I was already not doing a good job, he was asking questions he should be asking, I already felt under the gun, and he deked me out with another question I couldn't handle. So I lied.
The question now becomes: How do I get out of this? I can't continue to lie this guy. Then again, I think he already has a low image of me; confessing will make that even lower, and I don't need that. Maybe it was a mistake. Yeah, I should say that. Or maybe I can lie.
What is fucking wrong with me?
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Where The Hell Did All My Money Go?
I kind of suspected something when I had to get ready to pull all of Mother's money I got for her from the restaurant she lent money to out of my checking account. I did the math and the total amount left over was going to be less than three grand. And I thought, "Shit, shouldn't I have more money?"
Thursday night I finally took a closer look at my account online. And, yep, combining my checking account with my savings account, I have a working total of $3,000. Remember that that combines both of my accounts, so if you only count my liquid checking account, I have about $2,600. This despite being gainfully employed since a bit after Labor Day.
Extrapolating on a total for a pay stub I just looked at from mid-December, I believe that this flu billing job I have had the past five months has paid me $8,100. I first thought that when I began this job I had a total of three grand, meaning that every single penny I've earned at work I have spent. But it's not that bad; when I started this job I had only about $2,300. And I did some shifting around anticipating a $600 credit card bill I paid off in the middle of September; while that was the second week at the flu billing place, around this time I only had two grand in there. So, technically, I have made money since starting work in the fall.
Nevertheless it's a huge buzzkill to see that I don't really have a nestegg. Seriously, where the hell did all my money go? I've had some huge credit card bills, but they don't add up to $8,100. But I see all the money I've taken out whenever I stopped by an ATM -- $60 sometimes, $100 a lot more often. Shit, where the hell did I go? And yeah, I committed a lot of sexual activity with my whores, and I ate out a lot. You know, I want to say that that can't add up to $8,100, but all of that plus the credit card bills (which consist mostly of phone and Internet bills and gas) probably do. I believe this would be the cash flow problems of someone who lives by himself, but I don't have rent to worry about.
I think I made up an old saying: You either spend all your time making money, or you have all the time in the world and so you're spending money. I know that whenever I'm unemployed cash fritters through my hands like a sieve. I was just hoping that during this job I would be too tired to go out and do anything. That certainly was not the case.
It's not going to get any better. Who knows when this job will stop, but it will stop soon. Starting on Boxing Day, when I spent $100 for a Starbucks gift card for my brother and sister-in-law and anchored by a smartphone I am paying all at once, my impending credit card bill will be huge. Whatever I make from this from this job until I get let go may or may not pay for that. And that doesn't include my trip to St. Louis next month. I had this dream that all my financial worries would be solved with this job, even if it was temporary, and I would be able to put some money in my stocks and replenish my 401(k) and everything. Goddamn, was I wrong.
---
I have to admit: After seeing my meager back account Thursday I got so depressed I got onto VEF to look at some porn. It was a good excuse to log into VEF for the first time in nine days. And after seeing Houston sucking off Kieran Lee, I forgot about my problems and was able to whack off for the first time since the surgery. Felt good, too.
You know ... if I did spend all that money on sexy time with my whores, I don't think I would change a thing.
Thursday night I finally took a closer look at my account online. And, yep, combining my checking account with my savings account, I have a working total of $3,000. Remember that that combines both of my accounts, so if you only count my liquid checking account, I have about $2,600. This despite being gainfully employed since a bit after Labor Day.
Extrapolating on a total for a pay stub I just looked at from mid-December, I believe that this flu billing job I have had the past five months has paid me $8,100. I first thought that when I began this job I had a total of three grand, meaning that every single penny I've earned at work I have spent. But it's not that bad; when I started this job I had only about $2,300. And I did some shifting around anticipating a $600 credit card bill I paid off in the middle of September; while that was the second week at the flu billing place, around this time I only had two grand in there. So, technically, I have made money since starting work in the fall.
Nevertheless it's a huge buzzkill to see that I don't really have a nestegg. Seriously, where the hell did all my money go? I've had some huge credit card bills, but they don't add up to $8,100. But I see all the money I've taken out whenever I stopped by an ATM -- $60 sometimes, $100 a lot more often. Shit, where the hell did I go? And yeah, I committed a lot of sexual activity with my whores, and I ate out a lot. You know, I want to say that that can't add up to $8,100, but all of that plus the credit card bills (which consist mostly of phone and Internet bills and gas) probably do. I believe this would be the cash flow problems of someone who lives by himself, but I don't have rent to worry about.
I think I made up an old saying: You either spend all your time making money, or you have all the time in the world and so you're spending money. I know that whenever I'm unemployed cash fritters through my hands like a sieve. I was just hoping that during this job I would be too tired to go out and do anything. That certainly was not the case.
It's not going to get any better. Who knows when this job will stop, but it will stop soon. Starting on Boxing Day, when I spent $100 for a Starbucks gift card for my brother and sister-in-law and anchored by a smartphone I am paying all at once, my impending credit card bill will be huge. Whatever I make from this from this job until I get let go may or may not pay for that. And that doesn't include my trip to St. Louis next month. I had this dream that all my financial worries would be solved with this job, even if it was temporary, and I would be able to put some money in my stocks and replenish my 401(k) and everything. Goddamn, was I wrong.
---
I have to admit: After seeing my meager back account Thursday I got so depressed I got onto VEF to look at some porn. It was a good excuse to log into VEF for the first time in nine days. And after seeing Houston sucking off Kieran Lee, I forgot about my problems and was able to whack off for the first time since the surgery. Felt good, too.
You know ... if I did spend all that money on sexy time with my whores, I don't think I would change a thing.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Sick As A Dog
I thought I felt something as soon as I tried to take a shit Tuesday morning. The fact that I was so determined to take a shit that I was willing to be late getting out of the house should have told me something was wrong. If not that, the fact that I barely shit at all and I still felt like I had to take a shit should have told me something was wrong.
Nevertheless I soldiered onto work. Only when I got to my workspace did I feel the full brunt of the battered state of my body: The inflammation in all my joints and, later, the feeling that something liquid got injected into my bladder. I was in the middle of sorting through a packet when I had this "uh-oh" feeling, like I was about to shit my pants. I remember this feeling all too well; in 7th grade I actually did shit my pants in the middle of class. To this day the people in that class must remember me acting all weird as I sheepishly left with, I think, my hands covering my ass.
I'm much more able to control my bladder these days, however, so I calmly but briskly walked to the bathroom, entered the stall, hurriedly undid my pants and plop my butt down just in time for me to ... well, strain to get the solid, dry plops of poop out of my rectum. But that feeling of injection meant that something liquid was probably hiding behind that, and sure enough, after five or ten minutes of waiting, I was shitting water. Again and again. Again and again and again. I had so much in me that I was pulling my pants up only to have to sit down and shit water all over again.
It felt good -- for a while. But I don't remember the last time I had so many attacks of diarrhea like I did Tuesday. I don't know if anyone was paying any particular attention to me taking so many breaks, but I had to use the bathroom a total of eight times Tuesday. That was eight instances where I felt and even heard my colon squirt like someone was sipping through a straw (sorry about the gross comparison, I can't think of a better one), and I had to stop everything to just take a liquid shit for at least ten minutes. The rest of the time my joints were aching so badly that one my time my boss noticed, and I walked slowly because walking any faster would just hurt too much.
It got so bad that for a while I really thought I needed to go home. I have dealt with the sniffles and even some mild cases of diarrhea before, but I remember nothing like this. However I'm stubborn, and I sure need the money, so I decided to move up my lunch time to 11 and try and sleep the pain away. Oh yeah; not only was I shitting water and aching everywhere, I was tired as hell. And even though I think I passed out for a bit in the car I walked back into work with chills for the rest of the day.
Fortunately the afternoon was a bit better and I was able to tough it out. And thank Buddha for the workplace; everyone left me alone and didn't give me any shit about acting sick or going to the bathroom so often or not working as fast as I would have if I were well. God I will miss this place once I'm fired.
This was the worst day for me to get this attack of what I believe to be the flu because afterward I had to drive southward for this research study. I was able to get through that, however (I had to shit twice, each for a long time), then even dink around the Mall of America to wait out the evening commute (if I got stuck there in the state I was in, I would have been fucked; a couple of times I almost shit my pants, and getting stuck in traffic that possibly would have turned into a definitely) before coming home. And when I did I was able to take a Percocet, change into my sleepwear, crawl into bed and try to sweat out this bug over 11 hours. Which I did; I felt so much better Wednesday. In fact, I haven't been able to take a dump since, and right now, that's a good thing.
---
So, what happened? Probably got the flu. I got a flu shot; got it from my place of work, in fact. But after work Monday I stopped by My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). And I suspect that I got the bacteria while motorboating the tits of one of the dancers there. That bacteria was probably left on her chest by a previous paying customer, some idiot guy who thinks Obama's a Kenyan Muslim and therefore believes flu shots give you the flu, and therefore gives people who got flu shots the flu.
My appetite's still a little suppressed, but otherwise I feel OK.
Nevertheless I soldiered onto work. Only when I got to my workspace did I feel the full brunt of the battered state of my body: The inflammation in all my joints and, later, the feeling that something liquid got injected into my bladder. I was in the middle of sorting through a packet when I had this "uh-oh" feeling, like I was about to shit my pants. I remember this feeling all too well; in 7th grade I actually did shit my pants in the middle of class. To this day the people in that class must remember me acting all weird as I sheepishly left with, I think, my hands covering my ass.
I'm much more able to control my bladder these days, however, so I calmly but briskly walked to the bathroom, entered the stall, hurriedly undid my pants and plop my butt down just in time for me to ... well, strain to get the solid, dry plops of poop out of my rectum. But that feeling of injection meant that something liquid was probably hiding behind that, and sure enough, after five or ten minutes of waiting, I was shitting water. Again and again. Again and again and again. I had so much in me that I was pulling my pants up only to have to sit down and shit water all over again.
It felt good -- for a while. But I don't remember the last time I had so many attacks of diarrhea like I did Tuesday. I don't know if anyone was paying any particular attention to me taking so many breaks, but I had to use the bathroom a total of eight times Tuesday. That was eight instances where I felt and even heard my colon squirt like someone was sipping through a straw (sorry about the gross comparison, I can't think of a better one), and I had to stop everything to just take a liquid shit for at least ten minutes. The rest of the time my joints were aching so badly that one my time my boss noticed, and I walked slowly because walking any faster would just hurt too much.
It got so bad that for a while I really thought I needed to go home. I have dealt with the sniffles and even some mild cases of diarrhea before, but I remember nothing like this. However I'm stubborn, and I sure need the money, so I decided to move up my lunch time to 11 and try and sleep the pain away. Oh yeah; not only was I shitting water and aching everywhere, I was tired as hell. And even though I think I passed out for a bit in the car I walked back into work with chills for the rest of the day.
Fortunately the afternoon was a bit better and I was able to tough it out. And thank Buddha for the workplace; everyone left me alone and didn't give me any shit about acting sick or going to the bathroom so often or not working as fast as I would have if I were well. God I will miss this place once I'm fired.
This was the worst day for me to get this attack of what I believe to be the flu because afterward I had to drive southward for this research study. I was able to get through that, however (I had to shit twice, each for a long time), then even dink around the Mall of America to wait out the evening commute (if I got stuck there in the state I was in, I would have been fucked; a couple of times I almost shit my pants, and getting stuck in traffic that possibly would have turned into a definitely) before coming home. And when I did I was able to take a Percocet, change into my sleepwear, crawl into bed and try to sweat out this bug over 11 hours. Which I did; I felt so much better Wednesday. In fact, I haven't been able to take a dump since, and right now, that's a good thing.
---
So, what happened? Probably got the flu. I got a flu shot; got it from my place of work, in fact. But after work Monday I stopped by My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). And I suspect that I got the bacteria while motorboating the tits of one of the dancers there. That bacteria was probably left on her chest by a previous paying customer, some idiot guy who thinks Obama's a Kenyan Muslim and therefore believes flu shots give you the flu, and therefore gives people who got flu shots the flu.
My appetite's still a little suppressed, but otherwise I feel OK.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Expenses Without Receipt
Starting from Wednesday, January 22:
- To Tuesday the 21st, where I got sick and thought the only things I could stick down my stomach are cans of Sierra Mist and Coke: $1.50.
- On Monday the 20th I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version) shortly after work, shaking down this restaurant whose owner owes my family money, and a stop off at Glam Doll. Spied the next woman on my lapdance queue, but she was talking up this guy, and unluckily she was the last person in the rotation when I got there, and I didn't have time to stick around to get an LD from her because I needed to go to the bank ... which was closed all day because it was MLK Day. At least this last person was nice enough to give me an intimate stage set even though I only had a buck. No coffee, BTW, so: $7.
- Sunday the 19th ... went to the gym: $3.
- Saturday, January 18: Went to the Cobalt Cafe at the library for a large coffee during Happy Hour. With tip: $1.25.
- Friday the 17th ... Attended the Hockey City Classic, although I was unable to catch both games because ... well, I might blog about it, but I woke up late and that started a cascade of bad things. Scalped ticket, program, hot dog and beer for a cold, unforgettable night I probably don't want to do ever again: $36.75.
- To Wednesday, January 15: Just so I can feel better about my myself, I put some of the money I picked up for Mother at this restaurant she lent money to into my account. At the very least I could look at my balance and feel good that I'm making money, even though that's not true. Also, I was hoping that the boost to my account (namely $1,200) would add a few cents to the interest payment, which comes at the middle of the month. Unfortunately, because of My Fucking Father's health scare, I had to take out all that money before it would count when accruing interest. Anyway, I was going to need some extra cash for the Hockey City Classic, so instead of just taking out $1,200 I took out $1,300, the difference being given to me: $100.
- On Tuesday the 14th I paid ****r money to clean my house. Like I have said, she's worth all that, and them some!: $50.
- Monday the 13th ... I went up to a bank that Mother had me set up a savings account for work. Now, since The Store is gone, I really don't need this account, but I was told a few months ago that it's dormant and I might lose all the money in there (about $100) unless there's some activity on it. Plus there's a long story about how I needed to trigger the Check Engine light in my car (it didn't), but I made it up there just to do something to the savings account. Specifically, I added: $1.
- On Sunday the 12th I had to get out, so I went out to Caffetto for a chocolate cake and a large hot chocolate. And I made sure I got back to the counter before the barista got done. With tip: $7.50.
- Saturday, January 11: What an embarrassing start to my day: I drove my parents' minivan all the way down to a Kentucky Fried Chicken to use a coupon, only to realize I had forgotten to take the wallet out of my porno pants. So I drove all the way back up, decided I still wanted KFC, took my car to one closer by, and missed basically the first half of the Seattle-New Orleans playoff game so I could eat there. That shortened the nap time I wanted before I drove all the way down to Hooters, then to My Favorites Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition). I wanted to get a dance from one of the girls, but I told her about my surgery, and she sagely advised against it. (Although she has invited me to a house party -- does she think I'm all healed up in a week?) So it was coffee and tips only here: $11.
- Back on Friday the 10th I decided to finally go to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Edition) for the first time in a long time. Didn't see Stella there. Did she leave? Anyway, the details are here, and the total for drink, tips, one couch dance from Lola and a bed dance from *******a is: $140.
- Wednesday, January 8: Had soup at that place across the street from work. With tip: $3.50.
- Later that day, My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division), for coffee and tips. I don't remember the exact price, so I'll trot out the boilerplate amount of: $11.
- Tuesday, January 7: Only EWR was soup at the place across the street from work. With tip: $3.50.
- I would've paid cash for soup at the place across the street from work Monday, but they closed down because it was historically cold on the 6th. So let's go back to Sunday the 5th, when, after being let in free to work out, I went to My Favorite Italian Place. Gosh I hope I got just a salad and soup, because I don't remember what I ordered. With tip: $8.50.
- To Saturday the 4th, where the only EWR is from My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). I think I got a dance from Giselle this night. That plus coffee and tips: $31.
- Friday, January 3 ... apparently, according to my post here, I went to the gym: $3.
- ETA on Monday, January 27 that some time ago, Father plopped an envelope on my nightstand. It was filled with ten singles. The address printed on the envelope was from a coin-operated car wash, so I assume this was money that car wash was paying Father back for when it malfunctioned, and he gave it to me. I meant one day to give it back to him, but while they were gone I was in a pinch for dollar bills because I wanted to go to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version). I knew My Fucking Father wouldn't want the money, so why bother giving it back to him surreptitiously? I forgot which particular day it was but I know it was during their vacation, so I'm sticking it here because I vaguely remember taking the money out of the envelope a day when I planned on giving it to strippers. Therefore, an Infusion of:
$10.ETA on February 5 that I just saw that envelope right next to my TV. I lifted it up and saw a pristine dollar bill under there. I knew it! I had taken out that dollar bill because it was so crisp! So I have to edit the number of dollars I took out of that envelope and shoved into my wallet: $9. - Then, I think I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition). Seriously, I don't remember. Why did it take me six weeks to do another EWR? I think one of the $5 girls was there this night, so I'll take two bucks off my conventional amount: $9.
- Oh, and I think I bought some soup at the place across the street from work. They offered three types of soup around this time, and I sampled each of them once. I know I bought some soup the Tuesday and Wednesday of that "polar vortex," and I know I bought a bowl this Friday. With tip: $3.50.
- On Thursday the 2nd ... oh hell, I may have bought chili twice around this time at the place across the street from work. With tip: $3.50.
- That night I got a "massage" from ****a. She wanted to jerk me off to Lorie Line. Might write about this more if I have the time: $120.
- New Year's Day ... I got a ticket from a friend to the Timberwolves game that evening. Don't know if I'll get to go to another one, so I bought a souvenir-sized Coke with a hot dog. Promised myself I'd remember the price, but I don't, so I'll guess:
$12.50.ETA on February 5 that that is the wrong amount, at least according to the number I wrote down the total in my day planner. I totally forgot that I spent some money on a 50/50 raffle the game held for charity. The actual total, I believe, is: $18.75 - On New Year's Eve I finished my night by hitting My Favorite Late-Night Italian Place. Forgot what I ate. I'll say I got a salad and mozzarella sticks, so with tip: $11.
- Now there are holes in my memory all over the place. ... On Saturday the 28th I went to St. Paul to catch the U.S. Olympic women's hockey team's exhibition against Canada. I swore I would remember and/or write down this amount, and of course I fucking didn't, so I'm going to guess that the combined total of a scalped ticket, program, hot dog and souvenir-sized Coke equals: $29.50.
- I also went to the library and printed out a coupon for a car wash I didn't use because I got more of a discount using my AAA card: 10 cents.
- Went to the gym that afternoon: $3.
- Before going to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Version) I went to the Megamall. I usually do that because I want to "get aroused" after eating at Hooters. Unfortunately, there was an MMA PPV that night and it was packed. But it was too early to go to the club, so I stopped at Auntie Anne's instead. At least it was closing time and they offered 2-for-1's. Plus I was able to sit down and sort out my receipts. Things felt so serendipitous, I felt generous enough to give a small donation: $4.50.
- ETA: Oh, I forgot to write down how much I spent at My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Version) and on what. Cover was free because I brought a food donation. Stage tips, a Corona, and ten dances with my ATF Claudia equal: $133.
- Christmas Eve ... went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition). Went just before they closed. Coffee and tips: $5.
- I won't be able to remember any of the EWRs from this point on so I might as well burn through these. But at least that sit-down eating Auntie Anne's at MOA gave me time to jot down some EWRs. On Sunday, December 22 I donated a quarter open leaving Rainbow Foods ... I think: 25 cents.
- Busy day, Saturday the 21st was. Started out at the community center: $3.
- I then hung out for the bowl game GameWatch, where I spent money on some food, tip and the raffle: $27.
- I then had a pre-British Television Advertsing Awards drink, a Shirley Temple. When I ordered it, a woman sitting a few feet to my right looked at me. Bitch, I'll fucking order a kiddie cocktail whenever I goddamn want to. With tip: 3.69.
- Afterwards, as our tradition, we went to a fancy restaurant. This time was Burch Pizza, which was good, but hey, as someone spoiled on Pizza Hut, the exotic flavors are an acquired taste. Plus drink, valet and tip: $59.
- ETA that I finished the night off with a quick trip to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version). Tips only: $4.
- Monday the 16th -- went to a party. Shit, I haven't talked about this particular party yet, have I? Two dances equal: $40.
- Back to Sunday, December 15: Worked the Vikings game, so I took the LRT to the now-dead Dome: 50 cents.
- Afterwards I cooled off at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). Coffee and tips: $9.
- Saturday the 14th ... worked out: $3.
- Later that evening I went to the Minnesota RollerGirls bout. Had a beer. With tip: $8.
- I then realized that I was in St. Paul. The Artists' Quarter, a venerable jazz club which recently announced it would be closing at the end of the year, is on the way back to my car. I have heard great things about the AQ and wanted to go there whenever I was in town. Obviously, going there before they closed up shop for good was a good excuse. Someone brought in homemade tacos for us to eat -- yummy. That, plus tip for that, plus Coke, plus whisky, plus tip for those equal: $13.
- On Friday, December 13 I hit *******a's party to get a dance from her as well as ****a*, someone from My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) that quit a long time ago. The bouncer was really nice in letting me without paying the cover because of the disastrous time the last time I went to *******a's party: $40.
- I then bugged out of the party so I could see Die Hard at the Uptown. Totally forgot that the film took place around Christmastime. Ticket, popcorn and pop: $18.50.
- Thursday the 12th -- after work I had a couple donuts at Sarah Jane's Bakery. With tip: $3.
- I was at Sarah Jane's because I wanted to buy a ticket to the MNRG bout at Crafty Planet: $13.
- On Wednesday, December 11 I went to a free screening of Saving Mr. Banks courtesy of my friend. I really liked the movie a lot, especially the climactic scene near the end when Walt Disney finally convinces Pamela Travers to sign away the rights to Mary Poppins. It really didn't matter to me that in real life Travers hated the adaptation of her book so much that she put in her will instructions forever forbidding anyone associated with Disney Corp. to use her characters ever again. Popcorn and pop: $9.50.
- Monday the 9th ... After work I hit Diamonds Coffee Shoppe for the first time in a long time. Was hungry, so I indulged in their bagel special. With a free mocha and a tip: $8.
- After that I went to Rainbow Foods for some creamer. When I left I donated a small bit to the Salvation Army: 25 cents.
- All the way back to Saturday, December 7. This is the date, I think, where ***e* came over for the first time to jerk me off. It was going to be $100 at a party, but I told her I got pissed off that I got to the house after it was over, so she gave me a discount: $80.
- On Thursday the 5th I went to the University of Minnesota women's basketball game. Getting in was free. Hot dog and Coke were not, however: $7.50.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1). Went to Friday's Hockey City Classic. It was cold and afterwards I hung out at a Dinkytown restaurant where I got jostled by this drunk girl who jumped into the arms of her male friend, who didn't care that he bumped into me. Whatever -- it was cool! I may never do it again, but it was cool!
The Gophers won that game on a muffed save by the Ohio St. Goalie, but we'll take it. The next day, as part of Hockey Day In Minnesota, they completed the sweep of the Buckeyes by winning at Mariucci, 4-2. The special tournaments continue as they play at Xcel this weekend for the inaugural North Star College Cup; they play St. Cloud St. Friday for a potential championship Saturday night. I might go, but it's going to snow Friday night and it'll be cold Saturday.
#-2: Vikings (Re-Entry!). Hiring a new Head Coach usually isn't good enough to warrant the second spot in the WMNSS, but all the other teams had choppy weeks. Plus, the reviews of the new hire have been really good.
Mike Zimmer, NFL lifer and longtime Defensive Coordinator for the Cincinnati Bengals, certainly has paid his dues. And from all the tweets when the news came out late Tuesday night that he is the ninth Head Coach of the Vikings, the players care for him, played for him, and am glad he's finally getting his shot at the big time. (Plus, since he's a widow after his wife died suddenly four years ago, there is a lot of sentiment coming his way.)
What sticks out about his personality is that he is profane. I'm not usually a guy who likes people who swear at me, but I'm a big believer that your new HC has to be diametrically different from your old HC in tangible ways. And while I like Leslie Frazier's calm demeanor, it sure didn't seem like his players were playing for him on the field, especially this and the 2011 seasons, when they lost ten games or more.
But what really intrigues me is the hire of Norv Turner as Offensive Coordinator. He was not a good Head Coach, but he may have rebounded from his bout against the Peter Principle and found his equilibrium. I really do like the fact that a former HC is a coordinator ... and yes, that includes Mike Singletary being here the previous two years.
#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). Won at home against ranked (though falling) Ohio St., then basically pissed themselves in the second half and got blown out at Iowa. I was at the gym that game Sunday afternoon and saw the Goofs go on a, like, 13-1 run near the end of the second half. What the fuck happened?
Playing at home against Wisconsin now; that's why I'm in a rush to finish this survey. They then visit Nebraska.
#-4: Swarm (Last Week: -7). Home-and-home against Philadelphia, where each team lost at home. The fact they got blown out at the X 15-8 does not portend good things. Sorry, that's all I've got. They are dark till February 1, when they visit Colorado.
#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6). Swept a home-and-home against Utah, but lost to Toronto and, humiliatingly, home to Sacramento. They need to be consistent in beating the teams they need to beat at home first; that's the first sign you've got a good team. They finish their four-game road trip with games versus Golden State, Portland and Chicago.
#-6: Wild (Last Week: -3). Split the home-and-home against The Team That Was Stolen From Us. They also beat Edmonton but lost to Ottawa. They are below the Woofs because the Mild had three home games and went 1-2 while the Woofie Dogs had two home games and went 1-1 -- and, by process of elimination, the Mild went 0-1 on the road while the Dogs went 1-1 on the road. The Goaltender carousel continues as C-stringer Darcy Kuemper stepped inbetween the pipes this week. This week: home to Chicago, then a tough four-game roadtrip that starts in San Jose.
#-7: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -2). Well the Gopher grapplers continue to roll long with wins against Michigan St. and Mich ... what, they lost to Michigan?!?!?! What the fuck?!?!?! Oh, this is a shocking development, a horrible, terrible development!!! And this week they have to go to Iowa. When's the last time this program has had a losing streak?
#-8: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). Should two overtime losses equal one moral victory? Probably not, especially if there are no other teams that went winless. Both losses (against Nebraska and Indiana) were on the road; is that a mitigating circumstance? OK, OK, I should just ask: Shouldn't we just pull the plug on Pam Borton's tenure here? This week: Home to Wisconsin, then at Penn St.
The Gophers won that game on a muffed save by the Ohio St. Goalie, but we'll take it. The next day, as part of Hockey Day In Minnesota, they completed the sweep of the Buckeyes by winning at Mariucci, 4-2. The special tournaments continue as they play at Xcel this weekend for the inaugural North Star College Cup; they play St. Cloud St. Friday for a potential championship Saturday night. I might go, but it's going to snow Friday night and it'll be cold Saturday.
#-2: Vikings (Re-Entry!). Hiring a new Head Coach usually isn't good enough to warrant the second spot in the WMNSS, but all the other teams had choppy weeks. Plus, the reviews of the new hire have been really good.
Mike Zimmer, NFL lifer and longtime Defensive Coordinator for the Cincinnati Bengals, certainly has paid his dues. And from all the tweets when the news came out late Tuesday night that he is the ninth Head Coach of the Vikings, the players care for him, played for him, and am glad he's finally getting his shot at the big time. (Plus, since he's a widow after his wife died suddenly four years ago, there is a lot of sentiment coming his way.)
What sticks out about his personality is that he is profane. I'm not usually a guy who likes people who swear at me, but I'm a big believer that your new HC has to be diametrically different from your old HC in tangible ways. And while I like Leslie Frazier's calm demeanor, it sure didn't seem like his players were playing for him on the field, especially this and the 2011 seasons, when they lost ten games or more.
But what really intrigues me is the hire of Norv Turner as Offensive Coordinator. He was not a good Head Coach, but he may have rebounded from his bout against the Peter Principle and found his equilibrium. I really do like the fact that a former HC is a coordinator ... and yes, that includes Mike Singletary being here the previous two years.
#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). Won at home against ranked (though falling) Ohio St., then basically pissed themselves in the second half and got blown out at Iowa. I was at the gym that game Sunday afternoon and saw the Goofs go on a, like, 13-1 run near the end of the second half. What the fuck happened?
Playing at home against Wisconsin now; that's why I'm in a rush to finish this survey. They then visit Nebraska.
#-4: Swarm (Last Week: -7). Home-and-home against Philadelphia, where each team lost at home. The fact they got blown out at the X 15-8 does not portend good things. Sorry, that's all I've got. They are dark till February 1, when they visit Colorado.
#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6). Swept a home-and-home against Utah, but lost to Toronto and, humiliatingly, home to Sacramento. They need to be consistent in beating the teams they need to beat at home first; that's the first sign you've got a good team. They finish their four-game road trip with games versus Golden State, Portland and Chicago.
#-6: Wild (Last Week: -3). Split the home-and-home against The Team That Was Stolen From Us. They also beat Edmonton but lost to Ottawa. They are below the Woofs because the Mild had three home games and went 1-2 while the Woofie Dogs had two home games and went 1-1 -- and, by process of elimination, the Mild went 0-1 on the road while the Dogs went 1-1 on the road. The Goaltender carousel continues as C-stringer Darcy Kuemper stepped inbetween the pipes this week. This week: home to Chicago, then a tough four-game roadtrip that starts in San Jose.
#-7: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -2). Well the Gopher grapplers continue to roll long with wins against Michigan St. and Mich ... what, they lost to Michigan?!?!?! What the fuck?!?!?! Oh, this is a shocking development, a horrible, terrible development!!! And this week they have to go to Iowa. When's the last time this program has had a losing streak?
#-8: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). Should two overtime losses equal one moral victory? Probably not, especially if there are no other teams that went winless. Both losses (against Nebraska and Indiana) were on the road; is that a mitigating circumstance? OK, OK, I should just ask: Shouldn't we just pull the plug on Pam Borton's tenure here? This week: Home to Wisconsin, then at Penn St.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
He Cracks The Whip (Scheduled Post)
So I'm now scanning, while I'm waiting to get my postings to do. Or there are no more postings to do and there's just scanning left to do. Regardless, what I'm saying is is that what my supervisor said about us being all done by the time February rolls around should be on track.
Not saying I'm cooperating by picking up my productivity. Last week or the week before my boss sat us all down and broke down The End Of The Project. I was told that his higher-ups wanted us to step up our work. I'm trying ... OK, I'm not really trying. But with a huge check to which I needed to post, I made one mistake which meant the numbers didn't balance, and so I had to sift through a bunch of names to find the one (and the amount) I missed. And with scanning I have to remove the staples out of all the claims. If all of the claims in a packet are stapled, well, I have to take some time to remove them all, don't I?
That happened with many of the packets I did Monday, and when my boss' boss talked to me about where I was at project-wise, I told him so, and I told him that we had several boxes left to do. And as has been his wont, he got a little antsy, a little dictatorial. He told the woman who was meeting with us, the one who gives me these postings to do, that these boxes need to be scanned ASAP, so another person Tuesday will be given the sole task of removing staples so I can shove them into the scanner faster. In the meantime I will be back to posting in the morning (this woman is coming in the afternoon), assuming the woman I work for/with will have something for me to post. I just hope there's more stuff for me to do, for a while.
I'm getting the feeling from my boss's boss that he is itching to end this project and move us on out of here. I am in no rush to leave. I'm happy here, and I will make no secret it's because I'm getting paid. Please allow me to make more money!
Not saying I'm cooperating by picking up my productivity. Last week or the week before my boss sat us all down and broke down The End Of The Project. I was told that his higher-ups wanted us to step up our work. I'm trying ... OK, I'm not really trying. But with a huge check to which I needed to post, I made one mistake which meant the numbers didn't balance, and so I had to sift through a bunch of names to find the one (and the amount) I missed. And with scanning I have to remove the staples out of all the claims. If all of the claims in a packet are stapled, well, I have to take some time to remove them all, don't I?
That happened with many of the packets I did Monday, and when my boss' boss talked to me about where I was at project-wise, I told him so, and I told him that we had several boxes left to do. And as has been his wont, he got a little antsy, a little dictatorial. He told the woman who was meeting with us, the one who gives me these postings to do, that these boxes need to be scanned ASAP, so another person Tuesday will be given the sole task of removing staples so I can shove them into the scanner faster. In the meantime I will be back to posting in the morning (this woman is coming in the afternoon), assuming the woman I work for/with will have something for me to post. I just hope there's more stuff for me to do, for a while.
I'm getting the feeling from my boss's boss that he is itching to end this project and move us on out of here. I am in no rush to leave. I'm happy here, and I will make no secret it's because I'm getting paid. Please allow me to make more money!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Powerball Website Sucks
So in my study (what used to be my bedroom until Father moved me out) I found these two Powerball tickets I bought in August, presumably when the jackpot was massive, don't remember. Nor do I remember checking whether or not these were winners, but I assume that since I didn't circle any correct numbers or write down how much I won on either ticket, I did check them and they were both losers.
Just to make sure, I went to the Powerball website to see -- and I remembered how lo-tech and even cumbersome getting this piece of information is. In fact, I dare say that it's the worst website active today for something people might sue on a regular (in this case twice a week because they draw numbers Wednesdays and Saturdays) basis.
Go to the website. The first thing you see is the chintziness. Does it need advanced HTML when all it does is give numbers and the occasional information about the winner? No. Neither should it need to give you a pop-up to Lower My Bills when you want to click through to find the winning numbers from five months ago.
And that's the worst part about this site. If you want to look at the winning numbers from four drawings ago or further, not only do you have to click on "Powerball Numbers" on the left-hand site of the splash page, but you then have to click on "Old Numbers," and then you have to fill out a field to spit out a range of winning numbers. You mean to tell me you can't just list out the winning numbers for the past year? It's pretty easy to do. And don't go overboard and think you might as well list the numbers for every drawing that's ever happened (which, to Powerball's credit, they have, I think -- they list numbers all the way back to November 1, 1997, presumably the first-ever drawing); all winning tickets are invalidated and ineligible to be cashed in after a period of (depending on the state) 90 days to a full year. So if the Multi-State Lottery Association (the organization behind Powerball) gets its panties all up its crack about making it easier to get to past winning numbers, just tell them one click to a list of numbers going back a year will be fine.
Don't know why this bothers me so much. But I'm just trying to look up numbers, and I don't think I need to do three things and see a pop-up in order to do that.
Just to make sure, I went to the Powerball website to see -- and I remembered how lo-tech and even cumbersome getting this piece of information is. In fact, I dare say that it's the worst website active today for something people might sue on a regular (in this case twice a week because they draw numbers Wednesdays and Saturdays) basis.
Go to the website. The first thing you see is the chintziness. Does it need advanced HTML when all it does is give numbers and the occasional information about the winner? No. Neither should it need to give you a pop-up to Lower My Bills when you want to click through to find the winning numbers from five months ago.
And that's the worst part about this site. If you want to look at the winning numbers from four drawings ago or further, not only do you have to click on "Powerball Numbers" on the left-hand site of the splash page, but you then have to click on "Old Numbers," and then you have to fill out a field to spit out a range of winning numbers. You mean to tell me you can't just list out the winning numbers for the past year? It's pretty easy to do. And don't go overboard and think you might as well list the numbers for every drawing that's ever happened (which, to Powerball's credit, they have, I think -- they list numbers all the way back to November 1, 1997, presumably the first-ever drawing); all winning tickets are invalidated and ineligible to be cashed in after a period of (depending on the state) 90 days to a full year. So if the Multi-State Lottery Association (the organization behind Powerball) gets its panties all up its crack about making it easier to get to past winning numbers, just tell them one click to a list of numbers going back a year will be fine.
Don't know why this bothers me so much. But I'm just trying to look up numbers, and I don't think I need to do three things and see a pop-up in order to do that.
Mental Exercise: Weekly Sexy Time During Parents' Vacation
Wanted to do this, and since I need to go to bed soon I'll do this exercise here and now. I decided early on into my parents' eight-week trip to Europe that I will spend money on stripclubs (not including My Favorite Stripclub [Non-Cover Version]) or getting handjobs once a week. I certainly did that, but with who, where and what, specifically?
Well, not specifically; I don't want to get anyone in trouble. But I'm going to write this down because one day I may want to look back fondly on this:
Well, not specifically; I don't want to get anyone in trouble. But I'm going to write this down because one day I may want to look back fondly on this:
- Week 1: none; Thanksgiving Week and I was too busy acclimating to living by myself
- Week 2: ****r came over and rinsed my cock out
- Week 3: Party at ********a's place. Didn't show my dick, though
- Week 4: Was this the time I went to ***i's place and got a dance from ***e*?
- Week 5: My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Edition)
- Week 6: Dirty massage from ****a
- Week 7: My other Favorite Stripclub (Cover Division), featuring an HJ from ******a ... wait, do I have two of them? I thought I only had one
- Week 8: none; my ass hurt from surgery
Sunday, January 19, 2014
NFL Anti-Picks, Conference
Record, Divisional: 3-0
Overall Record: 49-65-1
Total Outlay, Divisional: $500.00
Total Winnings, Divisional: $1,128.10
Gain, Divisional: $628.10
Overall Loss: $764.75
Well, I have a long way to go, but a 3-0 week with some huge bets have taken off a huge hunk off my debt. Felt good that Indianapolis' escape against Kansas City meant they would be no match for New England. Also, I took a chance that San Diego dominating at Cincinnati meant they would stand a chance against Denver. About that -- the Broncos seemed to have kept the Chargers offense at bay, but while they were able to score touchdowns here and there, that was by far from the Peyton Manning air show all of us are used to. And, not to toot my own horn, that kind of good but not great offensive explosion was what I was counting on when I bet San Diego to cover. Parlaying the two had to be done because I was so far in the hole, but I am so glad I'm able to win $264.46 from that.
---
Nevertheless I only erased 45.1% of my debt -- a large portion, to be sure, but hey, I wish I could eliminate it with one fell swoop. I only have two more Sundays to get to the good side, so I will once again have to bet big.
The question is, should I bet so much that I reach positive territory if all of my bets come through, or should I hedge against them in case I get one or more of them wrong?
Well, let me eliminate the kinds of bets I won't make. First up is the American Football Conference Championship, New England at Denver. I can totally believe that this matchup will once again come down to Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning, in which case both defenses will be at the mercy of the opposing Quarterback. Also, I've checked the weather in Denver. There is a westerly wind at 8 m.p.h. expected to last throughout the game, but it'll be sunny with temperatures falling through the fifties. In other words, good passing weather.
However, I think a lot of bettors are thinking that way. Also, both teams' last games speak to me. If the Patriots kicked ass and the Broncos struggled, what do you think will happen? I think that the total of 57 might not be reachable if New England is able to pound the ball on the ground, eating up clock and pinning Manning on the sidelines. That's very possible given that the Broncos defense isn't exactly a world-beater.
Meanwhile, I've also checked the weather in Seattle, the site of tonight's National Football Conference Championship between San Francisco and the Seahawks: Light wind, low 40's, clouds. If you believe that cloud cover hems down the noise coming from the CenturyLink crowd, that might induce the 49ers into committing false start after false start, thereby stymieing their chances to pull off the upset on the road. Then again, that could just be all bullshit. (Feel bad that I forgot all the science I was taught.) This should be one hell of a game, and a very close one, too. But would you take either side when the line is 3 1/2? I wouldn't.
So what does that leave us?
1) New England +5 (The Patriots could very well pull off the upset here. The Broncos have not looked all that sharp on either side of the ball for the past several games. I appreciate a number I think is fat; it gives the team and me a lot of leeway in getting to that line. What I outlined above is what I think will happen) $300
2) Seattle-San Francisco Over 40 (Yes, both teams have excellent defenses. But I'm not going to shortchange either offense, which will be able to enjoy a day with no gusts or precipitation. I'm certain both teams can score two touchdowns. I'm almost absolutely sure that one of these two teams can score a third, which means the total comes to 35. After that, given that some drives will stall, what are the chances that both teams can cobble together two field goals, or at least another touchdown? I'm not as confident that this game will hit the Over as much as I believe New England will cover. But hey, I like my logic here, plus I'm still way down in the hole bankroll-wise) $200
3) Parlay the two, for $150.
Good luck!
Overall Record: 49-65-1
Total Outlay, Divisional: $500.00
Total Winnings, Divisional: $1,128.10
Gain, Divisional: $628.10
Overall Loss: $764.75
Well, I have a long way to go, but a 3-0 week with some huge bets have taken off a huge hunk off my debt. Felt good that Indianapolis' escape against Kansas City meant they would be no match for New England. Also, I took a chance that San Diego dominating at Cincinnati meant they would stand a chance against Denver. About that -- the Broncos seemed to have kept the Chargers offense at bay, but while they were able to score touchdowns here and there, that was by far from the Peyton Manning air show all of us are used to. And, not to toot my own horn, that kind of good but not great offensive explosion was what I was counting on when I bet San Diego to cover. Parlaying the two had to be done because I was so far in the hole, but I am so glad I'm able to win $264.46 from that.
---
Nevertheless I only erased 45.1% of my debt -- a large portion, to be sure, but hey, I wish I could eliminate it with one fell swoop. I only have two more Sundays to get to the good side, so I will once again have to bet big.
The question is, should I bet so much that I reach positive territory if all of my bets come through, or should I hedge against them in case I get one or more of them wrong?
Well, let me eliminate the kinds of bets I won't make. First up is the American Football Conference Championship, New England at Denver. I can totally believe that this matchup will once again come down to Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning, in which case both defenses will be at the mercy of the opposing Quarterback. Also, I've checked the weather in Denver. There is a westerly wind at 8 m.p.h. expected to last throughout the game, but it'll be sunny with temperatures falling through the fifties. In other words, good passing weather.
However, I think a lot of bettors are thinking that way. Also, both teams' last games speak to me. If the Patriots kicked ass and the Broncos struggled, what do you think will happen? I think that the total of 57 might not be reachable if New England is able to pound the ball on the ground, eating up clock and pinning Manning on the sidelines. That's very possible given that the Broncos defense isn't exactly a world-beater.
Meanwhile, I've also checked the weather in Seattle, the site of tonight's National Football Conference Championship between San Francisco and the Seahawks: Light wind, low 40's, clouds. If you believe that cloud cover hems down the noise coming from the CenturyLink crowd, that might induce the 49ers into committing false start after false start, thereby stymieing their chances to pull off the upset on the road. Then again, that could just be all bullshit. (Feel bad that I forgot all the science I was taught.) This should be one hell of a game, and a very close one, too. But would you take either side when the line is 3 1/2? I wouldn't.
So what does that leave us?
1) New England +5 (The Patriots could very well pull off the upset here. The Broncos have not looked all that sharp on either side of the ball for the past several games. I appreciate a number I think is fat; it gives the team and me a lot of leeway in getting to that line. What I outlined above is what I think will happen) $300
2) Seattle-San Francisco Over 40 (Yes, both teams have excellent defenses. But I'm not going to shortchange either offense, which will be able to enjoy a day with no gusts or precipitation. I'm certain both teams can score two touchdowns. I'm almost absolutely sure that one of these two teams can score a third, which means the total comes to 35. After that, given that some drives will stall, what are the chances that both teams can cobble together two field goals, or at least another touchdown? I'm not as confident that this game will hit the Over as much as I believe New England will cover. But hey, I like my logic here, plus I'm still way down in the hole bankroll-wise) $200
3) Parlay the two, for $150.
Good luck!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Fell Into His Trap Again
So it took My Fucking Father just two days before he became a nagging asshole again.
I was about to leave today, just after I plowed the whole driveway and ate what my parents wanted me to eat and warmed up the car when I had to stop. Shit! I totally forgot that I had that receipt for a piece of certified mail I was going to pick up for them. So even though I had my car on for ten minutes, and I have snow all over my shoes, I immediately turned off my car to trudge back inside.
And goddammit, just as I was going into my bedroom to retrieve this piece of paper, My Fucking Father bellows out from my bathroom. "You have to clean the toilet or else you'll get this ring!"
Fuck!
I knew I shouldn't've gone back inside. He wouldn't've been able to yell at me otherwise. Well, maybe he would have yelled at me about some other time. Actually, he was going to yell at me for something at some point. But I fell into his nag trap again. Fucking asshole.
I was about to leave today, just after I plowed the whole driveway and ate what my parents wanted me to eat and warmed up the car when I had to stop. Shit! I totally forgot that I had that receipt for a piece of certified mail I was going to pick up for them. So even though I had my car on for ten minutes, and I have snow all over my shoes, I immediately turned off my car to trudge back inside.
And goddammit, just as I was going into my bedroom to retrieve this piece of paper, My Fucking Father bellows out from my bathroom. "You have to clean the toilet or else you'll get this ring!"
Fuck!
I knew I shouldn't've gone back inside. He wouldn't've been able to yell at me otherwise. Well, maybe he would have yelled at me about some other time. Actually, he was going to yell at me for something at some point. But I fell into his nag trap again. Fucking asshole.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Last Night Of Freedom
Parents come home tomorrow. I would usually be pulling my dick hairs out trying to clean up the house. But I didn't really have to tonight because I paid ****r $50 to do all the monotonous stuff for me Tuesday. And honestly, the house looks really good. My goodness, she's a bargain when I pay her $50 to clean the house and $100 to clean my cock. She's a bargain!
Anyway, this comes to a close about seven weeks of having the house all to myself and not being nagged or influenced negatively by the people who gave me my genes. And while I did have some bouts of loneliness, I felt solitude most of the time. Now I have to worry about keeping my bedroom clean, trying to answer questions about going back to school, and wondering if their health is flagging.
I already have to worry about that last thing. They are coming home a few days early because Father suffered an emergency while visiting my sister. He's going to see his urologist on Friday. I am bracing for bad news, but I am also not looking forward to dealing with his attitude when he's all cranky and shit.
There probably isn't a good time for them to come home, but this is bad because there are so many things I need to do. I have to catch up on my alumni club duties; I have to switch out my day planner to get to this month and year; I have to go back to writing; I need to find a hotel to stay it for my vacation in St. Louis; and, of course, I have this continuing situation with the seton up my ass, both how to deal with the pain and how to let the 'Rents know that I have to have surgery to get it removed. And to top all of that off I have to deal with blowing snow on my down to the airport tomorrow.
Things won't be the same when they come home. It is virtually imperative that I do something, anything, from Monday through Friday, be it work or something else. Sometimes I'm able to dodge them when they had to go to The Store; they would be out the door while I'm still sleeping. But because they closed and sold The Store, they will now have no place to go. There is no reason for them to even get up in the morning, let alone leave for anything. That means that I can't just loaf around at home because they will be loafing around at home, and they can do that because they are both retired and paying for the roof I'm living under.
Everything changes as of tomorrow afternoon. This is my last night of freedom, and I am very sad.
Anyway, this comes to a close about seven weeks of having the house all to myself and not being nagged or influenced negatively by the people who gave me my genes. And while I did have some bouts of loneliness, I felt solitude most of the time. Now I have to worry about keeping my bedroom clean, trying to answer questions about going back to school, and wondering if their health is flagging.
I already have to worry about that last thing. They are coming home a few days early because Father suffered an emergency while visiting my sister. He's going to see his urologist on Friday. I am bracing for bad news, but I am also not looking forward to dealing with his attitude when he's all cranky and shit.
There probably isn't a good time for them to come home, but this is bad because there are so many things I need to do. I have to catch up on my alumni club duties; I have to switch out my day planner to get to this month and year; I have to go back to writing; I need to find a hotel to stay it for my vacation in St. Louis; and, of course, I have this continuing situation with the seton up my ass, both how to deal with the pain and how to let the 'Rents know that I have to have surgery to get it removed. And to top all of that off I have to deal with blowing snow on my down to the airport tomorrow.
Things won't be the same when they come home. It is virtually imperative that I do something, anything, from Monday through Friday, be it work or something else. Sometimes I'm able to dodge them when they had to go to The Store; they would be out the door while I'm still sleeping. But because they closed and sold The Store, they will now have no place to go. There is no reason for them to even get up in the morning, let alone leave for anything. That means that I can't just loaf around at home because they will be loafing around at home, and they can do that because they are both retired and paying for the roof I'm living under.
Everything changes as of tomorrow afternoon. This is my last night of freedom, and I am very sad.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -3). This was the first time they ever played Penn St., a varsity team only in its second year of existence, but is it the first time they've ever played on a Monday? That's what you get when you form a Big Ten conference for hockey and there's a network that needs content: You are told to play at odd times.
Didn't faze the team, though. In what looked to be an electric crowd (I don't think I've ever seen a student section wear all-white in a hockey game), the male Minnesota icers swept the Nittany Lions by scores of 3-2 and 5-2 Sunday and Monday. For registering the first sweep of the new conference, Goalie Adam Wilcox was named the B-1-G's Third Star Of The Week. And despite losing two shootouts, this team remains #1 in the national polls. I kind of think that's deceiving given that they have had to go to shootouts twice now.
Regardless they lead the conference going into what may be the most glorious regular season game the program has ever had: The Hockey City Classic, the first time they've played a game outdoors (it'll be at TCF Bank Stadium) in a long, long time. The lucky opponent for this grand occasion: Ohio St. That game will be on Friday. I hope to attend the game. I mean, it's going to be at the U. football team's stadium, so I doubt it'll be a full house, especially because it'll be around 11 degrees with a windchill close to 0. Oh, don't forget that there will be a second game back in Mariucci, but that will also be somewhat special: It'll be part of Hockey Day in Minnesota, the state's annual celebration of hockey, which'll include three high school games and the Wild's match against The Bastard North Stars.
#-2: Gopher wrestling (Re-Entry!). They may never win another NCAA championship again, but like clockwork, the program begins to roll as soon as they begin conference play. The grapplers roll to victories over Northwestern and Wisconsin this screening week. They are on the road for the next three duals, but the first two, this week, are against the Michigan schools.
I don't know what else to say. But I should try and shorten this survey given how late in the day this gets posted.
#-3: Wild (Last Week: -1). Weird and uncharacteristic week for this program. They alternated road and home games, and they won both road games but lost both home games. None of the games were decided by a goal. So which games is more indicative -- the Mild's 4-0 win in Nashville Sunday, or Tuesday's 3-0 shutout at the X at the hands of the Ottawa Senators?
The merry-go-round in goal continues. With Nicklas Backstrom still in traction and Josh Harding still trying to find the perfect combo of meds for his MS, Darcy Kuemper is now the man between the pipes. And he was there for both that win over the Predators and the loss to Ottawa. Maybe having instability in the net isn't the worst thing in the world, especially for one that has won five of seven. Then again, they're not too far removed from a six-game losing streak. So who knows if this team has turned the corner or not, especially if the club remains in the outer reaches of the Western Conference playoff chase. This week: home to Edmonton, then a home-and-home against The Bastard North Stars.
#-4: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). Lose in Iowa, clobbered Northwestern at Williams Arena by 35 at home. Could a .500 conference record be enough for this team to make the Big Dance? If so, they'll have to win a game on the road to match up the loss to Michigan St. at home. They'll have two games this week to do it, against ranked Nebraska and Indiana.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -4). Does close count? This is basketball, not horseshoes or grenades or slow dancing, so can we chalk up a pair of moral victories? They had to hang on for dear life in beating Penn St. on the road. Then they managed to rally and tie Michigan St. before peeing down their legs and losing by a dozen in overtime. It's possible that they are just a play or two away from pulling off some major contests ... or they could just be unable to perform in the clutch. This week: home to Ohio St., at Iowa.
#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2). With many of the local sports punditry just assuming that Kevin Love will be gone after next week (the latest rumor has him pining to play for the Lakers -- and by the way, if those rumors are false, I would assume Love will come out and say that those rumors are false), they had a 1-2 week. The throttling of Charlotte came at the heels of one of the worst defeats the Woofie Dogs have allowed this year, a 104-103 loss at home to Phoenix when they had a double-digit lead and were outscored, like, 13-2 to end the game. Oh, and that got their asses kicked at San Antonio, too.
I can see how Wolves experts can see the weaknesses with this club. They still can't play defense, and both Love and Ricky Rubio are prone to some bad shooting games. Rubio is still a work in progress (I'm not going to give up on him yet, although I'm getting impatient), but Love bricking shot after shot is much more shoveling.
The other development this week is the short D-League supremacy of rookie Shabazz Muhammad. He was able to be The Man down in Iowa, but up here he's buried as far away from Head Coach Rick Adelman as possible. This may be pie-in-the-sky thinking, but he could be the defensive in-the-paint presence that might unlock the potential of this team. These guys have failed to win in close games and have repeated failed to rise above .500 the last, oh, dozen or so times they've been given that chance. What's to lose putting Muhammad in?
They're playing Sacramento at Target Center right now. They then travel to Toronto and have a home-and-home against Utah.
#-7: Swarm (Re-Entry!). Oh, they've already started their season? My apologies, especially since I think I did this to the Smarm before. Look, I don't think the National Lacrosse League ever started before the New Year like they did this year. Also, it doesn't help that the Swarm begins this season with three games on the road.
Probably best they start on the road since they lost in Rochester 8-6 all the way back on December 28 and went down in defeat to the Bastard Portland/Washington/now Vancouver Stealth 8-5 Saturday. For a team that is celebrating its tenth season of existence by insinuating it might be its last, the Smarm is not making a good case for seeing its eleventh season. This weekend they are Philadelphia before finally having its home opener against those Wings in what is the third home-and-home this screening week for Minnesota pro teams.
Didn't faze the team, though. In what looked to be an electric crowd (I don't think I've ever seen a student section wear all-white in a hockey game), the male Minnesota icers swept the Nittany Lions by scores of 3-2 and 5-2 Sunday and Monday. For registering the first sweep of the new conference, Goalie Adam Wilcox was named the B-1-G's Third Star Of The Week. And despite losing two shootouts, this team remains #1 in the national polls. I kind of think that's deceiving given that they have had to go to shootouts twice now.
Regardless they lead the conference going into what may be the most glorious regular season game the program has ever had: The Hockey City Classic, the first time they've played a game outdoors (it'll be at TCF Bank Stadium) in a long, long time. The lucky opponent for this grand occasion: Ohio St. That game will be on Friday. I hope to attend the game. I mean, it's going to be at the U. football team's stadium, so I doubt it'll be a full house, especially because it'll be around 11 degrees with a windchill close to 0. Oh, don't forget that there will be a second game back in Mariucci, but that will also be somewhat special: It'll be part of Hockey Day in Minnesota, the state's annual celebration of hockey, which'll include three high school games and the Wild's match against The Bastard North Stars.
#-2: Gopher wrestling (Re-Entry!). They may never win another NCAA championship again, but like clockwork, the program begins to roll as soon as they begin conference play. The grapplers roll to victories over Northwestern and Wisconsin this screening week. They are on the road for the next three duals, but the first two, this week, are against the Michigan schools.
I don't know what else to say. But I should try and shorten this survey given how late in the day this gets posted.
#-3: Wild (Last Week: -1). Weird and uncharacteristic week for this program. They alternated road and home games, and they won both road games but lost both home games. None of the games were decided by a goal. So which games is more indicative -- the Mild's 4-0 win in Nashville Sunday, or Tuesday's 3-0 shutout at the X at the hands of the Ottawa Senators?
The merry-go-round in goal continues. With Nicklas Backstrom still in traction and Josh Harding still trying to find the perfect combo of meds for his MS, Darcy Kuemper is now the man between the pipes. And he was there for both that win over the Predators and the loss to Ottawa. Maybe having instability in the net isn't the worst thing in the world, especially for one that has won five of seven. Then again, they're not too far removed from a six-game losing streak. So who knows if this team has turned the corner or not, especially if the club remains in the outer reaches of the Western Conference playoff chase. This week: home to Edmonton, then a home-and-home against The Bastard North Stars.
#-4: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). Lose in Iowa, clobbered Northwestern at Williams Arena by 35 at home. Could a .500 conference record be enough for this team to make the Big Dance? If so, they'll have to win a game on the road to match up the loss to Michigan St. at home. They'll have two games this week to do it, against ranked Nebraska and Indiana.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -4). Does close count? This is basketball, not horseshoes or grenades or slow dancing, so can we chalk up a pair of moral victories? They had to hang on for dear life in beating Penn St. on the road. Then they managed to rally and tie Michigan St. before peeing down their legs and losing by a dozen in overtime. It's possible that they are just a play or two away from pulling off some major contests ... or they could just be unable to perform in the clutch. This week: home to Ohio St., at Iowa.
#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2). With many of the local sports punditry just assuming that Kevin Love will be gone after next week (the latest rumor has him pining to play for the Lakers -- and by the way, if those rumors are false, I would assume Love will come out and say that those rumors are false), they had a 1-2 week. The throttling of Charlotte came at the heels of one of the worst defeats the Woofie Dogs have allowed this year, a 104-103 loss at home to Phoenix when they had a double-digit lead and were outscored, like, 13-2 to end the game. Oh, and that got their asses kicked at San Antonio, too.
I can see how Wolves experts can see the weaknesses with this club. They still can't play defense, and both Love and Ricky Rubio are prone to some bad shooting games. Rubio is still a work in progress (I'm not going to give up on him yet, although I'm getting impatient), but Love bricking shot after shot is much more shoveling.
The other development this week is the short D-League supremacy of rookie Shabazz Muhammad. He was able to be The Man down in Iowa, but up here he's buried as far away from Head Coach Rick Adelman as possible. This may be pie-in-the-sky thinking, but he could be the defensive in-the-paint presence that might unlock the potential of this team. These guys have failed to win in close games and have repeated failed to rise above .500 the last, oh, dozen or so times they've been given that chance. What's to lose putting Muhammad in?
They're playing Sacramento at Target Center right now. They then travel to Toronto and have a home-and-home against Utah.
#-7: Swarm (Re-Entry!). Oh, they've already started their season? My apologies, especially since I think I did this to the Smarm before. Look, I don't think the National Lacrosse League ever started before the New Year like they did this year. Also, it doesn't help that the Swarm begins this season with three games on the road.
Probably best they start on the road since they lost in Rochester 8-6 all the way back on December 28 and went down in defeat to the Bastard Portland/Washington/now Vancouver Stealth 8-5 Saturday. For a team that is celebrating its tenth season of existence by insinuating it might be its last, the Smarm is not making a good case for seeing its eleventh season. This weekend they are Philadelphia before finally having its home opener against those Wings in what is the third home-and-home this screening week for Minnesota pro teams.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Hello, VEF! Haven't Seen You In A Month!!
You know, with my parents away and me being able to masturbate anywhere in the house I want, it's kind of odd that when I checked into VEF about an hour ago, it told me the last time I was on was December 14. In fact, it was less than half a day short of a month.
I needed to whack off. I didn't know that Penthouse Australia showed outright fucking in the pages of their magazine as early as 1991. And I didn't know that Sandra Taylor, aka Sandy Korn, actually did suck the dick of that guy in that Penthouse mag I saw when I was thumbing through Shinders.
I am in the middle of cleaning the house for my parents, and for ****r, who's coming tomorrow to actually cleaning the house instead of me. The jerk-off towel I use is buried underneath all the shit I put on my bed to allow ****r to clean my bedroom, so I couldn't use that. Instead, I just ejaculated into the bathtub. I did wipe up my semen, but the rest of it ****r can clean up. She'll understand.
ETA: When I had the orgasm, I did feel the seton rub up against my sphincter, which of course I use whenever I have an orgasm. It hurt, but honestly, it felt so good that I didn't care. Or it's getting better, one of the two.
I needed to whack off. I didn't know that Penthouse Australia showed outright fucking in the pages of their magazine as early as 1991. And I didn't know that Sandra Taylor, aka Sandy Korn, actually did suck the dick of that guy in that Penthouse mag I saw when I was thumbing through Shinders.
I am in the middle of cleaning the house for my parents, and for ****r, who's coming tomorrow to actually cleaning the house instead of me. The jerk-off towel I use is buried underneath all the shit I put on my bed to allow ****r to clean my bedroom, so I couldn't use that. Instead, I just ejaculated into the bathtub. I did wipe up my semen, but the rest of it ****r can clean up. She'll understand.
ETA: When I had the orgasm, I did feel the seton rub up against my sphincter, which of course I use whenever I have an orgasm. It hurt, but honestly, it felt so good that I didn't care. Or it's getting better, one of the two.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Surgery
OK, so I finally bit the bullet and did the operation on Thursday. And the son-of-a-bitch still hurts.
So my uncle picks me up and we're headed to the hospital. A very nice hospital, but apparently one so new that Google Maps didn't know exactly where it was. To it, I guess, this hospital was just a cow pasture, or farmland. But it certainly wasn't; it was a beautiful new edifice that seemingly rises up out of the wilderness, with lots and lots of free parking, thank God.
I went to one desk, then another, then walked down the hall (this place is beautiful but it's huge and it has no signs telling you where to go), then was greeted by a nice English lady. I wasn't sitting for five minutes before they were ready to whisk me behind the doors from which I Would Never Be The Same.
I didn't know that there are a bunch of levels of protocol, by which I mean I didn't know I would have to meet with this person, then these people, then this person, than these people again, etc. I guess it's to make sure no detail is skipped over, but hey, it's not like I get surgery every day, so it seemed a bit excessive to me.
The one thing I remember from the only other time I had surgery, when I got my wisdom teeth removed, is that I was given gas. I was told by the anesthetist to count backwards from 100. I don't think I got to 99 before I was out for good, no joke. So even though the main anesthetist told me the deal, specifically that I was going to get drugs in two stages, which would make me sleepy and then really sleepy, I kind of knew that once I got the first set I was out. So I shook his hand knowing that that's probably the last time I'll see him.
At this point I had already changed out of my clothes and into scrubs, the ass end of which I had to keep open because, of course, that's the place where I was going to be operated on. The ready room was sweet. During the hour of meetings I was just lying in a bed, flipping through TV channels and radio stations through the in-house TV. The remote control response was a little slow, but hey, I was watching TV and listening to the radio so I could relax before they cut my ass open.
They were finally ready. There were two anesthetists doing my surgery. I had talked to one, but he was only the supervisor. The person who was going to be at my side the whole time was this pushy woman who kept trying to reassure me that I was going to get the "good stuff." All I wanted to know from her was when she was going to inject me. I couldn't get a straight answer from her, so I only knew when I was getting the juice when she reached over to my left hand and physically injected said juice.
It quickly became a blur after that. I remember being wheeled into the operating table. I then remember being told to toss myself onto this adjacent bed, which had these pillows stacked so I would be comfortable lying on them face down and kneeling -- you know, kind of like that zigzag piece in Tetris. My mind was shut down by then, so I don't know how I willed my body to that position. Once I did get onto that other bed, they had to adjust my arms and head for me because at that point I no longer could. And I assume that my ass was wide open for all to see as I put myself in that position. But at that point the drugs kicked in. I was out, cold.
---
I came to ... somehow. I don't know if someone was calling out to me. All I know is I woke up and I drank something. Oh, and I had this urge to take a shit.
The doctor came in and confirmed that I did have what she thought I had: An anal fistula. I asked to reconfirm that the surgery to take out this rubber band, a "seton," was just a snip at her office. Oh no, she replied; I'll have to go through the same goddamn thing I did, including getting knocked out and shit. And really, from that point on I wasn't really the most exemplary patient.
My mind was half on dealing with my pain, half on how am I going to get away with doing these operations without my parents knowing. Getting dressed, getting out, getting my drugs ... those were really the only two things I was thinking about. Only when I tried to shit did I realize that the only reason my ass didn't hurt as much as I thought it would (even though this urge to defecate stayed with me) was that it was numb when I touched it.
As bad it felt, the intervening days have been worse. I thought my ass would be used to a rubber band basically piercing my rectum, but it really hasn't. Whenever I shit, or my urethra closes up after I pee, or cough or laugh, my sphincter pushes up against this seton and I have this incredible pain down there. It's so bad it's all I think about. And even though I've been so stir crazy I have had to just go out and do stuff, the only way I'm relieved of this ass pain is if I'm in my bed, lying down -- or, better yet, sleeping as a result of the oxycodone I've been given. That doesn't bode well for work, which I am determined to come back to starting today.
Oh yeah, the pills. As I've said before, I don't want to be addicted, but I don't think I'm getting addicted. I wish I were, however. This Percocet doesn't make the pain go away; it only makes me sleepy. Sure, I don't feel the pain, but I don't feel anything, and if I need to do something (which is all the time), that doesn't fucking help me. I need something that helps me remain productive while feeling no pain. Is that what Adderall does to you?
Oh well, at least I've begun to take a shit yesterday. Still hurts, although it's not as bad as I thought. I just now need to figure out a time to get this seton snipped. I have a vacation to take advantage of in a few weeks. Oh, and the Check Engine light is turning on sooner and sooner after I drive my car, so I'm bringing that in tomorrow, hopefully. Plus I'm paying ****r to clean my house because I just can't do that boring shit myself.
<sigh> Fuck my life. I just coughed and I felt a sharp pain in my ass again. This is fucking hell.
So my uncle picks me up and we're headed to the hospital. A very nice hospital, but apparently one so new that Google Maps didn't know exactly where it was. To it, I guess, this hospital was just a cow pasture, or farmland. But it certainly wasn't; it was a beautiful new edifice that seemingly rises up out of the wilderness, with lots and lots of free parking, thank God.
I went to one desk, then another, then walked down the hall (this place is beautiful but it's huge and it has no signs telling you where to go), then was greeted by a nice English lady. I wasn't sitting for five minutes before they were ready to whisk me behind the doors from which I Would Never Be The Same.
I didn't know that there are a bunch of levels of protocol, by which I mean I didn't know I would have to meet with this person, then these people, then this person, than these people again, etc. I guess it's to make sure no detail is skipped over, but hey, it's not like I get surgery every day, so it seemed a bit excessive to me.
The one thing I remember from the only other time I had surgery, when I got my wisdom teeth removed, is that I was given gas. I was told by the anesthetist to count backwards from 100. I don't think I got to 99 before I was out for good, no joke. So even though the main anesthetist told me the deal, specifically that I was going to get drugs in two stages, which would make me sleepy and then really sleepy, I kind of knew that once I got the first set I was out. So I shook his hand knowing that that's probably the last time I'll see him.
At this point I had already changed out of my clothes and into scrubs, the ass end of which I had to keep open because, of course, that's the place where I was going to be operated on. The ready room was sweet. During the hour of meetings I was just lying in a bed, flipping through TV channels and radio stations through the in-house TV. The remote control response was a little slow, but hey, I was watching TV and listening to the radio so I could relax before they cut my ass open.
They were finally ready. There were two anesthetists doing my surgery. I had talked to one, but he was only the supervisor. The person who was going to be at my side the whole time was this pushy woman who kept trying to reassure me that I was going to get the "good stuff." All I wanted to know from her was when she was going to inject me. I couldn't get a straight answer from her, so I only knew when I was getting the juice when she reached over to my left hand and physically injected said juice.
It quickly became a blur after that. I remember being wheeled into the operating table. I then remember being told to toss myself onto this adjacent bed, which had these pillows stacked so I would be comfortable lying on them face down and kneeling -- you know, kind of like that zigzag piece in Tetris. My mind was shut down by then, so I don't know how I willed my body to that position. Once I did get onto that other bed, they had to adjust my arms and head for me because at that point I no longer could. And I assume that my ass was wide open for all to see as I put myself in that position. But at that point the drugs kicked in. I was out, cold.
---
I came to ... somehow. I don't know if someone was calling out to me. All I know is I woke up and I drank something. Oh, and I had this urge to take a shit.
The doctor came in and confirmed that I did have what she thought I had: An anal fistula. I asked to reconfirm that the surgery to take out this rubber band, a "seton," was just a snip at her office. Oh no, she replied; I'll have to go through the same goddamn thing I did, including getting knocked out and shit. And really, from that point on I wasn't really the most exemplary patient.
My mind was half on dealing with my pain, half on how am I going to get away with doing these operations without my parents knowing. Getting dressed, getting out, getting my drugs ... those were really the only two things I was thinking about. Only when I tried to shit did I realize that the only reason my ass didn't hurt as much as I thought it would (even though this urge to defecate stayed with me) was that it was numb when I touched it.
As bad it felt, the intervening days have been worse. I thought my ass would be used to a rubber band basically piercing my rectum, but it really hasn't. Whenever I shit, or my urethra closes up after I pee, or cough or laugh, my sphincter pushes up against this seton and I have this incredible pain down there. It's so bad it's all I think about. And even though I've been so stir crazy I have had to just go out and do stuff, the only way I'm relieved of this ass pain is if I'm in my bed, lying down -- or, better yet, sleeping as a result of the oxycodone I've been given. That doesn't bode well for work, which I am determined to come back to starting today.
Oh yeah, the pills. As I've said before, I don't want to be addicted, but I don't think I'm getting addicted. I wish I were, however. This Percocet doesn't make the pain go away; it only makes me sleepy. Sure, I don't feel the pain, but I don't feel anything, and if I need to do something (which is all the time), that doesn't fucking help me. I need something that helps me remain productive while feeling no pain. Is that what Adderall does to you?
Oh well, at least I've begun to take a shit yesterday. Still hurts, although it's not as bad as I thought. I just now need to figure out a time to get this seton snipped. I have a vacation to take advantage of in a few weeks. Oh, and the Check Engine light is turning on sooner and sooner after I drive my car, so I'm bringing that in tomorrow, hopefully. Plus I'm paying ****r to clean my house because I just can't do that boring shit myself.
<sigh> Fuck my life. I just coughed and I felt a sharp pain in my ass again. This is fucking hell.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
OK, Now The Barista Hates Me
OK, this place, Caffetto? I love it, but I've been there enough times where I know the rhythm of the baristas. Specifically, I know that typically there is only one person there, so if you ask for a drink more elaborate than coffee, you're going to have to wait awhile while he or she makes it. After a few times waiting I thought it would be a more productive use of my time to boot up my computer, which was in the "Black Screen of Death" phase. By the time I would have to do that thing where you take out the battery and push the power button down, the barista would be done with my drink, or, more often, I would be back in line while he or she was putting the finishing touches on it, usually putting on the whip cream.
I kind of pushed it to the limit last ... Sunday? Weekend? Some time over the weekend, probably Sunday -- and this time I didn't even bring in my own computer. I was using Mother's new desktop at Caffetto. And while it has no boot-up issues, I ordered a hot chocolate and a strawberry cheesecake, which meant that I thought I had a lot of time to really get it started -- not just boot up the computer but also to start the web browser, open up the pages I want to see, and even plug in the headphones I remembered to bring.
And then I look up ... and I see the barista, hot chocolate on the counter, waiting for me. "Oh shit, sorry!" I screamed from the other room, and I give my money in as apologetically a way as possible without saying anything. And with my hand still outstretched, palm up, trying to imply supplication, the barista just flew by, leaving my change on the counter instead of my hand.
OK, I can understand he was peeved that I made him wait. But man, he's seen me before. He knows me. I've been good to him. Why he gotta dis me like that?
And what happens if I see him the next time I come into Caffetto? Is he going to hold it against me the next time I see him? Does he just hate me now?
I kind of pushed it to the limit last ... Sunday? Weekend? Some time over the weekend, probably Sunday -- and this time I didn't even bring in my own computer. I was using Mother's new desktop at Caffetto. And while it has no boot-up issues, I ordered a hot chocolate and a strawberry cheesecake, which meant that I thought I had a lot of time to really get it started -- not just boot up the computer but also to start the web browser, open up the pages I want to see, and even plug in the headphones I remembered to bring.
And then I look up ... and I see the barista, hot chocolate on the counter, waiting for me. "Oh shit, sorry!" I screamed from the other room, and I give my money in as apologetically a way as possible without saying anything. And with my hand still outstretched, palm up, trying to imply supplication, the barista just flew by, leaving my change on the counter instead of my hand.
OK, I can understand he was peeved that I made him wait. But man, he's seen me before. He knows me. I've been good to him. Why he gotta dis me like that?
And what happens if I see him the next time I come into Caffetto? Is he going to hold it against me the next time I see him? Does he just hate me now?
Saturday, January 11, 2014
NFL Anti-Picks, Divisional
Record, Wild Card: 1-4
Overall Record: 46-65-1
Total Outlay, Wild Card: $500.00
Total Winnings, Wild Card: $190.90
Loss, Wild Card: $309.10
Overall Loss: $1,392.85
Um, this is embarrassing. Betting on the National Football League is probably a fool's errand even before I starting making an ass out of myself, but I have been on a shameful losing streak this year.
A weekend where three of the four road teams won (and the fourth, Kansas City, should have won before a ridonkulous comeback from Andrew Luck and The Bastard Baltimore Colts) was not a good time to predict that two home teams, Philadelphia and Green Bay, would win. And as it happens they both lost at the gun. How did a dome team, New Orleans, win in cold Philly? Maybe Chip Kelly's vaunted offense is not so special if you make sure you clamp down on LeSean McCoy. And as for the Packers, well, that was just a good game between two defenses that aren't world-beaters, and San Francisco had the last laugh.
What really hurt me were the small lines. Both NFC Wild Card games were 2 1/2 points, so I was playing with small margins of error. Now, I thought that the Eagles and the Packers were going to overcome those numbers, but by the time those close games were nearing their ends, it looked like I was screwed. In fact, I thought that when Phil Dawson kicked that tie-breaking, game-winning field goal at Lambeau Field it pushed the total Over and I had lost that as well. But the O/U was actually 46, not 41. So I got one win.
---
I don't know how to bet. These games are tough to analyze, and my record as of late isn't helping things.
Let me begin by saying what I won't bet on. The line of Seattle -8 is intriguing, and this would be another case of a dome team going on the road against the elements. Plus, those elements are going to be harsh: Rainy with lots of win, aka not passing weather. That should be a huge demerit against New Orleans ... but I thought they would have trouble in similar conditions against Philadelphia, and they won. Meanwhile, the total has been hammered down from 48.5 to 44.5. If both teams' passing games are shut down due to the weather, and if New Orleans can slow down the tempo of play (I think they'll have to if they want to win), I can see this game going Under. But those four shaven points loom large for me. I think the total score of this game will be close, too close for me to bet on.
Meanwhile, San Francisco is actually favored at Carolina, +1. I like the adage of the home dog, but the 49ers are the hottest team in of the eight remaining in the playoffs. Also, the Panthers under Head Coach Ron Rivera have been very poor Against The Spread coming off bye weeks. But, I think Cam Newton and the Panthers are somewhat underrated. To the point where I'll bet on them? No, but I'm not going to bet on San Fran, either. That +1 line will burn me, especially considering how it burned me last week.
Have no feel for the totals for the two NFC Divisional games, but seeing that I'm now down by $1,300+, I need to make a stand. So here goes:
1) New England -7 (The Colts' comeback against Kansas City last week did show two things: Andrew Luck put his team in this position by throwing three interceptions, and great teams would not allow those Chiefs to run up the score so easily and quickly against them. The New England Patriots are that team. Now, are they world-beaters? No. This team is particularly vulnerable, moreso on the road than at home, but vulnerable. The defense in particular can yield a ton of points. But Bill Belichick will be able to engineer some plan to confuse Luck, and if Andy Reid can do that in the first half, the Pats can frustrate Luck for two halves. The weather won't be great in Foxborough; although it won't be as windy and rainy as it will be for the game in Seattle, there will be some of each. But New England at home is a lot sturdier, particularly for Tom Brady and the passing game. They'll score, and enough, I hope, to cover the touchdown line. By the way, my wager isn't a reflection of how confident I am about it, but my need to cover my debt) $200
2) San Diego +9 (My thinking, and given my track record, it's flawed: The way in which the four teams last weekend won shows how good they will be going forward. San Francisco won by three, New Orleans by two, and Indianapolis by one, which means that they'll lose against "better" competition. Meanwhile, the San Diego Chargers clamped down on the host Cincinnati Bengals and throttled the AFC North champs in Cincy 27-10. That should mean that they'll give the top seed in the American Football Conference, the Denver Broncos, a good game. Now, is that true? I don't know. Peyton Manning knows how to adjust after they were upset at home against the Chargers in the regular season. And I still don't know how the Chargers are even in the playoffs. But the NFL is screwy, so San Diego outright winning this game shouldn't be a complete shock. Saying that, I'll take the fat number and the points) $200
3) Because I'm in debt, parlay those two bets above, for $100.
Good luck!
A
Overall Record: 46-65-1
Total Outlay, Wild Card: $500.00
Total Winnings, Wild Card: $190.90
Loss, Wild Card: $309.10
Overall Loss: $1,392.85
Um, this is embarrassing. Betting on the National Football League is probably a fool's errand even before I starting making an ass out of myself, but I have been on a shameful losing streak this year.
A weekend where three of the four road teams won (and the fourth, Kansas City, should have won before a ridonkulous comeback from Andrew Luck and The Bastard Baltimore Colts) was not a good time to predict that two home teams, Philadelphia and Green Bay, would win. And as it happens they both lost at the gun. How did a dome team, New Orleans, win in cold Philly? Maybe Chip Kelly's vaunted offense is not so special if you make sure you clamp down on LeSean McCoy. And as for the Packers, well, that was just a good game between two defenses that aren't world-beaters, and San Francisco had the last laugh.
What really hurt me were the small lines. Both NFC Wild Card games were 2 1/2 points, so I was playing with small margins of error. Now, I thought that the Eagles and the Packers were going to overcome those numbers, but by the time those close games were nearing their ends, it looked like I was screwed. In fact, I thought that when Phil Dawson kicked that tie-breaking, game-winning field goal at Lambeau Field it pushed the total Over and I had lost that as well. But the O/U was actually 46, not 41. So I got one win.
---
I don't know how to bet. These games are tough to analyze, and my record as of late isn't helping things.
Let me begin by saying what I won't bet on. The line of Seattle -8 is intriguing, and this would be another case of a dome team going on the road against the elements. Plus, those elements are going to be harsh: Rainy with lots of win, aka not passing weather. That should be a huge demerit against New Orleans ... but I thought they would have trouble in similar conditions against Philadelphia, and they won. Meanwhile, the total has been hammered down from 48.5 to 44.5. If both teams' passing games are shut down due to the weather, and if New Orleans can slow down the tempo of play (I think they'll have to if they want to win), I can see this game going Under. But those four shaven points loom large for me. I think the total score of this game will be close, too close for me to bet on.
Meanwhile, San Francisco is actually favored at Carolina, +1. I like the adage of the home dog, but the 49ers are the hottest team in of the eight remaining in the playoffs. Also, the Panthers under Head Coach Ron Rivera have been very poor Against The Spread coming off bye weeks. But, I think Cam Newton and the Panthers are somewhat underrated. To the point where I'll bet on them? No, but I'm not going to bet on San Fran, either. That +1 line will burn me, especially considering how it burned me last week.
Have no feel for the totals for the two NFC Divisional games, but seeing that I'm now down by $1,300+, I need to make a stand. So here goes:
1) New England -7 (The Colts' comeback against Kansas City last week did show two things: Andrew Luck put his team in this position by throwing three interceptions, and great teams would not allow those Chiefs to run up the score so easily and quickly against them. The New England Patriots are that team. Now, are they world-beaters? No. This team is particularly vulnerable, moreso on the road than at home, but vulnerable. The defense in particular can yield a ton of points. But Bill Belichick will be able to engineer some plan to confuse Luck, and if Andy Reid can do that in the first half, the Pats can frustrate Luck for two halves. The weather won't be great in Foxborough; although it won't be as windy and rainy as it will be for the game in Seattle, there will be some of each. But New England at home is a lot sturdier, particularly for Tom Brady and the passing game. They'll score, and enough, I hope, to cover the touchdown line. By the way, my wager isn't a reflection of how confident I am about it, but my need to cover my debt) $200
2) San Diego +9 (My thinking, and given my track record, it's flawed: The way in which the four teams last weekend won shows how good they will be going forward. San Francisco won by three, New Orleans by two, and Indianapolis by one, which means that they'll lose against "better" competition. Meanwhile, the San Diego Chargers clamped down on the host Cincinnati Bengals and throttled the AFC North champs in Cincy 27-10. That should mean that they'll give the top seed in the American Football Conference, the Denver Broncos, a good game. Now, is that true? I don't know. Peyton Manning knows how to adjust after they were upset at home against the Chargers in the regular season. And I still don't know how the Chargers are even in the playoffs. But the NFL is screwy, so San Diego outright winning this game shouldn't be a complete shock. Saying that, I'll take the fat number and the points) $200
3) Because I'm in debt, parlay those two bets above, for $100.
Good luck!
A
Friday, January 10, 2014
Can't Shit, Can't Cum
Sorry I haven't written till this late in the day. Had surgery. Should talk about this soon.
Anyway, because of this, I have been taking Oxycodone. Sort of. I mean, I don't want to get addicted to it. This is one of those pills people rob their parents for, so I've been hesitant to take them. However, I haven't really felt the effects of Percocet, and when I have been feeling the drowsiness, I don't have the attendant feeling of euphoria. Aren't I supposed to be happy?
Anyway, this is the first pain medication I've consumed in a long time. I didn't remember that one of side effects of pain meds is constipation. Well, I feel it now. I had a big dump Wednesday night, the night before the surgery, but besides one pebble of a poop that seemingly tumbled down my rectum when I got home Thursday afternoon, I haven't been able to defecate since. I bought stool softener at the hospital pharmacy when I got the Percocet, but that hasn't been helping.
I usually try to strain when I get this, let's face it, desperate to experience a bowel movement, but because I've got this rubber band looped around my asshole -- I'll get to it some time soon -- any push down there irritates that spot, and it all hurts like a bastard. So I just have to wait until my body adjusts, or that loop down there doesn't hurt to the point where I can get off the Oxy, or the stool softener really kicks in and my feces just escapes out of my rectum like it's fleeing Godzilla.
---
They recommended I don't go to work today, so I didn't. But I quickly acquired a case of cabin fever. Plus, after the deep freeze we were in earlier in the week, temperatures were in the thirties. The stars were aligned, therefore, for me to sojourn to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Division). Hey, whatever money I spent there I would be making next week.
So I went with confidence ... and after the first bus came too early and I took the risk of missing the second bus to talk with the guy in the UPS truck that went to the apartment complex (which it did, even though I thought it should have come sooner), I finally took my sorry, sore ass to the club, even though a few hours before I took the risk of taking two Percocet and felt really, really sleepy on the bus.
I could vamp on and on about this, but I have two hours before the day turns and my asshole really hurts, so this is what happened. There were three girls at My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Version), one of them didn't want to play and another was so hot that she was pretty busy the two hours I was there, so I went with *******a, who didn't get a dance from anyone besides me. I got an HJ from her before, and she knew what I was there for, but try as I might, I couldn't cum. There was too much pain emanating from my back end to dedicate any tension to my front end.
I felt so bad I for *******a, who, at the end of our four dances, was jerking me off so obviously she could have got caught. Man, she probably got carpal tunnel syndrome from wanking me, and I felt so bad that I couldn't "cum" through that, honest to God, I apologized to her. "That's OK, we'll try next time," she comforted me. She was truly sympathetic -- maternal, even. Still feel bad, but I thought I could get it up and I didn't. Oh well.
---
As I type this I still can't shit and I still can't cum.
Anyway, because of this, I have been taking Oxycodone. Sort of. I mean, I don't want to get addicted to it. This is one of those pills people rob their parents for, so I've been hesitant to take them. However, I haven't really felt the effects of Percocet, and when I have been feeling the drowsiness, I don't have the attendant feeling of euphoria. Aren't I supposed to be happy?
Anyway, this is the first pain medication I've consumed in a long time. I didn't remember that one of side effects of pain meds is constipation. Well, I feel it now. I had a big dump Wednesday night, the night before the surgery, but besides one pebble of a poop that seemingly tumbled down my rectum when I got home Thursday afternoon, I haven't been able to defecate since. I bought stool softener at the hospital pharmacy when I got the Percocet, but that hasn't been helping.
I usually try to strain when I get this, let's face it, desperate to experience a bowel movement, but because I've got this rubber band looped around my asshole -- I'll get to it some time soon -- any push down there irritates that spot, and it all hurts like a bastard. So I just have to wait until my body adjusts, or that loop down there doesn't hurt to the point where I can get off the Oxy, or the stool softener really kicks in and my feces just escapes out of my rectum like it's fleeing Godzilla.
---
They recommended I don't go to work today, so I didn't. But I quickly acquired a case of cabin fever. Plus, after the deep freeze we were in earlier in the week, temperatures were in the thirties. The stars were aligned, therefore, for me to sojourn to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Division). Hey, whatever money I spent there I would be making next week.
So I went with confidence ... and after the first bus came too early and I took the risk of missing the second bus to talk with the guy in the UPS truck that went to the apartment complex (which it did, even though I thought it should have come sooner), I finally took my sorry, sore ass to the club, even though a few hours before I took the risk of taking two Percocet and felt really, really sleepy on the bus.
I could vamp on and on about this, but I have two hours before the day turns and my asshole really hurts, so this is what happened. There were three girls at My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Version), one of them didn't want to play and another was so hot that she was pretty busy the two hours I was there, so I went with *******a, who didn't get a dance from anyone besides me. I got an HJ from her before, and she knew what I was there for, but try as I might, I couldn't cum. There was too much pain emanating from my back end to dedicate any tension to my front end.
I felt so bad I for *******a, who, at the end of our four dances, was jerking me off so obviously she could have got caught. Man, she probably got carpal tunnel syndrome from wanking me, and I felt so bad that I couldn't "cum" through that, honest to God, I apologized to her. "That's OK, we'll try next time," she comforted me. She was truly sympathetic -- maternal, even. Still feel bad, but I thought I could get it up and I didn't. Oh well.
---
As I type this I still can't shit and I still can't cum.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Not A Good Day At Work
You know, feeling relaxed at work might not be the worst thing in the world. It dawned on me during work yesterday that with all the staring out into space, checking the home page on my workdesk's homepage when I open up the Internet and drinking coffee I do these days, someone might have caught me and thought to himself or herself, "Wow, that dude's lazy." And if that person is in a position of authority or is in a position to complain to one of my bosses, it could permanently end any faint chance I have of landing a full-time job with these guys ... or it could cut my time with this current project short.
But what happened yesterday might be worse than any perception I've been slacking. First of all I complained to the woman I'm working with right now (the one who caught me talking to myself and acting out in the break room yesterday) that the numbers don't match. I gave off the impression that I did everything I could and that the numbers were wrong. Well, I didn't think she would do this, but she made me sit down with her as we went line by line though each consent form. We finally came across a name, the name, that I skipped. If I had made sure I checked off his charges and disallowances, like she says she always does, the numbers would have balanced and we would not have had to waste upwards of an hour doing this. What metaphorical egg on my face.
Later in the afternoon I had kind of dragged out this list I needed to send online. I vaguely remember her and my boss talking about more payments that needed to be posted, but I thought I could take it easy and do this list, um, "thoroughly." Hey, you only live once, might as well go at your own pace, right? Well, I finally felt guilty and sent the thing about a half-hour before my day was over. I straddled myself in the worst possible place: Too early for me to end my day, too late for me to start anything new.
Nevertheless, I spoke to the woman about starting the next task, these payments. She flatly told me, "No." She's a crusty bitch, but I think she's seen the worst part of me and can relate, so I guess we have a simpatico. Saying that, I was kind of taken aback by her bluntness, and admittedly I got a little scared. If she was going to this next task herself, what is left for me to do? And if there's nothing left for me to do, will I be let go?
And then there's this: Is she just saying she'll do it herself because it's better that way, or is she disappointed in how I did yesterday?
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Wild (Last Week: -3). For the first Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey of 2014, we give the top spot to the Mild, even though every team lost at least once and this Mild still faces an uncertain future.
Adding insult to injury is ... well, injuries. They really piled up this screening week -- Zach Parise will miss a few weeks, Josh Harding's back in traction after his MS medication failed to connect, Mikko Koivu will be gone for a while, and even Nicklas Backstrom has to go on the injury list. Mike Yeo may not deserve the excuse losing four very important players gives you, but the reality is they are not playing for this team, and the results, good and bad, will reflect those absences.
Nevertheless they went 3-1 the past eight days (I have to include their New Year's Eve defeat to St. Louis, the club's annual game at the X), and despite a horrific losing streak, they are putting that behind them. How? Fuck if I know. They remain out of the playoff race and they have an active week ahead of them: At Phoenix, home to Colorado, at Nashville and home to Ottawa. And remember that the Winter Olympics loom. Parise and Ryan Suter, the team's two most important players, will be playing for country. Won't they be tired by the time they come back from Sochi to drive the Wild into a playoff berth?
#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2). My usher friend was able to get me a free ticket to the New Year's Night game against The Bastard Charlotte Hornets. (He actually got two; I was going to scalp the extra ticket, a scalper was going to swap one of his singles [for a better seat, he said] for the two I had, but he gave them back to me because one of the pieces from one of the tickets was gone and he wasn't absolutely sure he could sell that ticket like that.) What I saw was this team playing at what I imagine to be their best: Ricky Rubio dishing, Nikola Pekovic bullying and driving to the hoop, Kevin Martin stopping and popping, and Kevin Love being at the right place at the right time, when it comes to either shooting or rebounding. Sure, their defense was nothing to stand up over, as evidenced three days after the Wolves' 124-112 win over the Pelicans (or, as I like to call them, the Pels) when they blew a double-digit fourth-quarter lead and lost by four to The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics. But even though they are still on the outside looking in, games like the one on Wednesday are ones the club has to win, and proves that they are capable of hurting people when they are at 100%.
Pithy notes on the squad's two most important players. Ricky Rubio was playing aggressively. He scored by driving to the layup. If he can do that, why does he need a jump shot? And I was able to see the end/flameout of the Timberwolves' loss to the Thunder while eating at the MOA Hooters. Love was fouled on a three-point attempt very late in the game when they were down by three -- and he proceeded to miss all three shots (although the third he missed intentionally because, well, he unintentionally missed the first two). I think he has convinced me and many other Woofs fans that he's more important to this team than Rubio, newfound scoring confidence notwithstanding. But it's moments like that that give ammunition to those who doubt him, even if those doubts are unfounded.
They host Phoenix in the back end of ESPN's doubleheader tonight (which is why the scheduled start time was moved back to 8:30), then host Charlotte Friday before going to San Antonio Sunday.
#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). I don't remember the last time a WMNSS had the Twin Cities pro teams on top and all University of Minnesota teams bringing up the rear. Probably doesn't matter to the Gopher men's hockey team. Despite losing (in my mind, not technically) over the weekend, they still retain the top spot in both polls. They lost to Colgate -- Colgate??? -- in their matchup of the Mariucci Classic on a shootout; it goes into the record books as a tie, but since this is a tournament, where Ferris St. was awaiting the winner (a Gopher victory meant that #1 Minnesota would haved the second-ranked Bulldogs -- that would have been a game I would have walked a mile in the freezing cold to see), someone needed to win. And it was Colgate, whose nickname at present escapes me. Oh well, at least they didn't finish dead last in their tournament, since they crushed RPI. They face Penn St., in only its second year in existence as a varsity team and as Big Ten rivals for the first time ever, at Penn St. this weekend.
#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -1). Early signs point to a rough transition. They opened up conference play by coughing up the ball at will late in the second half and never regained a lead they had up until 4:15 left in the game to lose 63-60 to Michigan. Then, they had to hold off a Purdue team long gone from the Robbie Hummel days, 82-79. I would like to see if this team can learn and grow under Richard Pitino, but I doubt it.
They finally hit the road for their first true road game since November 16 this week: At Penn St. right now, at Michigan St. Saturday.
#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -1). Oof, I knew that 11-3 overall record was deceiving, and the 25-point home beatdown by Michigan St. Saturday afternoon to begin B1G play proved that to be so, so true.
I've got nothing else. Playing at Iowa now; hosting Northwestern Sunday afternoon.
Adding insult to injury is ... well, injuries. They really piled up this screening week -- Zach Parise will miss a few weeks, Josh Harding's back in traction after his MS medication failed to connect, Mikko Koivu will be gone for a while, and even Nicklas Backstrom has to go on the injury list. Mike Yeo may not deserve the excuse losing four very important players gives you, but the reality is they are not playing for this team, and the results, good and bad, will reflect those absences.
Nevertheless they went 3-1 the past eight days (I have to include their New Year's Eve defeat to St. Louis, the club's annual game at the X), and despite a horrific losing streak, they are putting that behind them. How? Fuck if I know. They remain out of the playoff race and they have an active week ahead of them: At Phoenix, home to Colorado, at Nashville and home to Ottawa. And remember that the Winter Olympics loom. Parise and Ryan Suter, the team's two most important players, will be playing for country. Won't they be tired by the time they come back from Sochi to drive the Wild into a playoff berth?
#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2). My usher friend was able to get me a free ticket to the New Year's Night game against The Bastard Charlotte Hornets. (He actually got two; I was going to scalp the extra ticket, a scalper was going to swap one of his singles [for a better seat, he said] for the two I had, but he gave them back to me because one of the pieces from one of the tickets was gone and he wasn't absolutely sure he could sell that ticket like that.) What I saw was this team playing at what I imagine to be their best: Ricky Rubio dishing, Nikola Pekovic bullying and driving to the hoop, Kevin Martin stopping and popping, and Kevin Love being at the right place at the right time, when it comes to either shooting or rebounding. Sure, their defense was nothing to stand up over, as evidenced three days after the Wolves' 124-112 win over the Pelicans (or, as I like to call them, the Pels) when they blew a double-digit fourth-quarter lead and lost by four to The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics. But even though they are still on the outside looking in, games like the one on Wednesday are ones the club has to win, and proves that they are capable of hurting people when they are at 100%.
Pithy notes on the squad's two most important players. Ricky Rubio was playing aggressively. He scored by driving to the layup. If he can do that, why does he need a jump shot? And I was able to see the end/flameout of the Timberwolves' loss to the Thunder while eating at the MOA Hooters. Love was fouled on a three-point attempt very late in the game when they were down by three -- and he proceeded to miss all three shots (although the third he missed intentionally because, well, he unintentionally missed the first two). I think he has convinced me and many other Woofs fans that he's more important to this team than Rubio, newfound scoring confidence notwithstanding. But it's moments like that that give ammunition to those who doubt him, even if those doubts are unfounded.
They host Phoenix in the back end of ESPN's doubleheader tonight (which is why the scheduled start time was moved back to 8:30), then host Charlotte Friday before going to San Antonio Sunday.
#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). I don't remember the last time a WMNSS had the Twin Cities pro teams on top and all University of Minnesota teams bringing up the rear. Probably doesn't matter to the Gopher men's hockey team. Despite losing (in my mind, not technically) over the weekend, they still retain the top spot in both polls. They lost to Colgate -- Colgate??? -- in their matchup of the Mariucci Classic on a shootout; it goes into the record books as a tie, but since this is a tournament, where Ferris St. was awaiting the winner (a Gopher victory meant that #1 Minnesota would haved the second-ranked Bulldogs -- that would have been a game I would have walked a mile in the freezing cold to see), someone needed to win. And it was Colgate, whose nickname at present escapes me. Oh well, at least they didn't finish dead last in their tournament, since they crushed RPI. They face Penn St., in only its second year in existence as a varsity team and as Big Ten rivals for the first time ever, at Penn St. this weekend.
#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -1). Early signs point to a rough transition. They opened up conference play by coughing up the ball at will late in the second half and never regained a lead they had up until 4:15 left in the game to lose 63-60 to Michigan. Then, they had to hold off a Purdue team long gone from the Robbie Hummel days, 82-79. I would like to see if this team can learn and grow under Richard Pitino, but I doubt it.
They finally hit the road for their first true road game since November 16 this week: At Penn St. right now, at Michigan St. Saturday.
#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -1). Oof, I knew that 11-3 overall record was deceiving, and the 25-point home beatdown by Michigan St. Saturday afternoon to begin B1G play proved that to be so, so true.
I've got nothing else. Playing at Iowa now; hosting Northwestern Sunday afternoon.
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