Expenses Without Receipt

Oh, fuck me.  Starting from Wednesday, October 30:

• The only EWR I had for this date was for My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version).  I was summoned there by Giselle because she was celebrating her birthday while working there.  So I had to get a dance from her (even though it was a short one, even though the song she danced to was "Don't Fear The Reaper"), and just because I wanted to be festive, I got dances from two other strippers there, Lotus and Willow.  (There was a fourth, ***i*, I was going to get a lapper from, but she was occupied when I was free and vice versa, so I decided I'll check her later.)  With stage tips for all four and coffee (with tip) I spent a grand total of: $72.25.
• Sunday, October 27 -- I took out $200 for the party the night before thinking I was going to fuck someone, but ... well, I'll tell it next bullet point.  I had a lot of money burning in my pocket, and I thought I could spent lavishly at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) after the Timberwolves Game.  So I did; I got one lap dance each from Ashlee, Anastasia, and Harley.  Loved all three.  With coffee, and tip for said coffee and the strippers stage-side, I spent a total of: $70.
• Saturday, October 26 ... the day before I was invited to a house party at the apartment of *****e*.  I went thinking I was going to fuck; I even brought the condom I got at a men's room in a building at the University of Colorado when I vacationed in Denver.  But I was thinking about it more and more as I was going to go to the party.  The host, *****e*, I fucked about a month ago and didn't need to fuck again.  There was another girl, ****y, I thought I was going to fuck, but she annoyed the fuck out of me the minute I stepped through the door, so fuck her.  The other two I didn't know, so I couldn't go balls deep in either of them.  So, with that annoying twat gone, I just got lappers from the other three, and that suits me fine.  With cover, I spent just: $80.
• Back to Tuesday the 22nd -- well, I didn't spend anything on the 22nd, so we'll go back to the 21st.  I had to go to the library to print out a dental form which I need to fax to my health insurance company to get my dental bill paid.  (I initially just faxed the bill, which I was led to believe was enough, but alas, I guess.)  That cost me: 10 cents.
• I am way, way behind in writing down my receipts (as you can tell by me trying to catch up on two months' worth of EWRs), so I went to Caffetto to do the first step, which is putting the receipts I do have in order.  I ate a pumpkin pie and drank a small hot chocolate (and dinked around on the Internet) while putting my receipts in order.  With tip: $7.48.
• Sunday, October 20 -- went to the MNUFC's first-ever playoff match in MLS at Allianz Field ... and in typical Minnesotan fashion, they lost.  Apt that I got a hot dog and a Loon Juice for the final game of the season.  It's what I usually get for games, so I have a sense of things coming full circle.  Total: $17.
• On Saturday the 19th I took off of work early to help with a volunteer event for my alma mater.  It was downtown, but the organizer was able to finagle vouchers for a valet.  Valets are cool, and if I'm ever rich as fuck, I'll do it more often.  The downside to doing it -- well, it's not a downside, but this is partly why I usually seek out free parking -- is that I need to tip the valet.  With complimentary valet, tipping isn't an issue.  I just hope I tipped enough: $5.
• Back to Friday, October 18, where I used the second of the four Gophers tickets I bought at the State Fair.  It was for the men's hockey team's home opener versus Niagara, and I almost forgot that I had a ticket for this game on this date.  Mariucci Arena has beefed up its concessions; moreso than just hot dogs and pop, Mayslack's is there, as well as a concession stand converted to serve tacos.  I got a trio of beef tacos there.  With a medium Coke -- oh, the U. does not give out small Cokes anymore, which is strange -- and a program the game/win set me back: $18.
• ETA on November 7 at 8:55 p.m. an EWR Sunday, October 13 ... I don't have any spending listed but I must have done one, because the only cash transaction I had listed was me taking money out of my checking account, and that can't be possible because 1) I usually can't have just one transaction, especially if that transaction is getting money, and 2) this is Sunday and I was working the Vikings Game, and I know that I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) after work.  I also know that I got a lap dance from someone I had never seen before.  She had big tits and said that she wanted to open a stripper clothing store.  I think, though I'm not entirely sure, that I got another lapper.  And I assume I got coffee this trip (and, of course, I tip everything when I'm there).  I am pulling this totally out of thin air, but I am going to say that I went to this titty bar on this date and spent: $52.25.
• OK, assuming I did this right, my next EWR is Thursday, October 10.  It was a party, the first in a long time for me.  It was being hosted by *****y, even though it was at the house of a guy/strippermonger from My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition).  The host, *****y, finally gave me a handjob.  There were three other babes there, and I got $20 dances from -- and groped -- all of them.  What a great fuckin' party!  With cover, I left after spending: $220.
• Back to Monday, October 7, the last day of my stay in Denver.  It began with me leaving my sweet but remote hotel room, and leaving a little tip for housekeeping's troubles: $2.
• I then decided I was going to spend most of my afternoon walking around downtown Denver.  My main goal was to hit up the Hard Rock Cafe, but I stayed there so long I only made an abbreviated visit to the Colorado State Capitol.  Anyway, I learned that there is a cheap-ish lot to park, about a mile away from where those two spots were.  And I paid only: $6.
• I then went to a stripclub in the evening, on my way to DEN.  Unlike my two previous visits this vacation, I got royally fucked over by getting stiffed one dance from this fucking ripoff bitch.  It's so bad that not only will I not go to this club ever again, I don't think I can go to Denver for a long, long time either.  Maybe I'm overreacting, but that's how I feel.  So taken from my money, even if I did get a pass to get in for free: Tips and two, not three dances: $133.
• There was a possibility that I would eat at this recommended restaurant at the airport, but I got there too late.  But I was more than on-time to board my flight.  What to do?  Well, Caribou has made it to Denver, and I sign up for its coupons, and I hadn't had a Caribou in quite a while.  So even though it technically should have shut its door, I find a Caribou open somewhere in the terminal that would redeem my points.  Unfortunately I didn't get the whip cream on the mocha I got for free, even though I was asked and I answered.  This EWR is tip only: $2.
• Back to Saturday, October 5 -- this was the day I left my first hotel, and I left a tip for housekeeping there: $3.
• Hmmm ... went to the original site of Qdoba, then hiked at Red Rocks.  Went to my new hotel, then got back to downtown in the hopes of finding a ticket to the Bastard Quebec Noridques Game vs. my Minnesota Wild.  There were no scalpers I could find.  There were tickets available at the box office, but the cheapest tickets were $90.  No.  I paid at a lot downtown to take a chance at going to the hockey game, but at least I found one that, similar to the one I parked at two days later, was maybe the cheapest one downtown: $6.
• However I didn't want to just leave without accomplishing any vacation-y thing downtown.  Sure, I went up and down 16th Street Mall (and by the way, there were a hell of a lot of homeless people asking for money; it kind of creeped me out), but I still had my whole night ahead of me.  That's when I realized that I had not checked off one thing I wanted to do while in the city: Go to one of Denver's craft brewpubs.  So I went to not one, but two, both of which were within walking distance from the parking lot.  The gray lady of downtown breweries, it looks like, is Great Divide.  Had a great Hazy IPA and sat by myself and had a great time.  With tip: $7.
• It appears as though that microbreweries and food trucks now have a built-in co-dependent business relationship.  The truck outside Great Divide was called Spice Food.  Had a buffalo pub chicken sandwich, and it was on the spicy side.  There is tax on Denver food truck food.  With tip: $12.88.
• The night was still relatively young, and I thought I could walk off the alcohol I had.  So I went to another recommended brewery, Our Mutual Friend.  Walked a mile north and hit several more homeless people, which again freaked me out.  The customer service at OMF was worse than at Great Divide.  OMF had more of a frat house vibe, and that vibe should never emanate from a microbrewery.  Good Small Hold, though.  With tip: $5.25.
• Friday the 4th: Went to this stripclub in the evening because I had only been there during the afternoon/evening.  Much better times, I'll admit.  Place still didn't have waitresses taking orders for (non-alcoholic) drinks, which bothered me at times and didn't at others.  So I went to the bar in the back to get a Heinken 0.0, partly for the drink and partly because I needed more dollar bills.  Had a bathroom attendant there; threw in tips because he gave me towels, but when I wanted some Lunchables, he told me it was three bucks.  What the fuck were the tips for?  Anyway, I had $100 dances with Roxy and Rain, both of whom were great.  With cover and tips on a wild, busy night, the total was: $284.
• Oh, I think I found a heads-up penny at the club.  And Infusion of: 1 cent.
• On Thursday the 3rd I went to one of the things I really, really wanted to do while in Denver: Attend a Colorado women's soccer match.  I have no affinity for Colorado women's soccer.  But I wanted to see college sports from colleges other than my own.  The drive from Denver to Boulder is long, but the scenery, especially in the autumn, is beautiful.  Anyway, the Buffaloes led 2-0 but allowed Oregon to come back to eventually end the Game in a 2-all draw.  Ticket, hot dog, and a can of Left Hand Colorful Colorado: $23.
• Wednesday, October 2 was my first day in Denver.  I got there very early in the morning and, not having a hotel to crash in, I had no other choice but to hit the ground running.  There is a regional fast food chain called Santiago's that serves, according to some, the best of a Denver food staple, green chile sauce.  As was a main goal on this trip with Qdoba and Smashburger, I went to the origin store of Santiago's ... except that I was wrong.  I had a breakfast burrito at a small, drive-thru-only Santiago's which I thought was the first-ever.  But when I asked the woman at the drive-thru, she believed it was the other one, close by, on the same street.  That actually was a sit-down restaurant; they boxed up the breakfast burrito I ordered there, and I ate in the backseat of my rental car.  Anyway, I charged the second burrito at the true original store, but for the first burrito at the drive-thru I paid: $2.77.
• After the two Santiago's I went downtown to get my Docs re-stitched.  As I was cooling my heels for a several hours, I decided to dink around Union Station.  It is a beautiful edifice, and it successfully marries its purpose as a hub of transportation (being the terminus for Denver's light and passenger rail lines, as well as a stop for Amtrak) and also being a retail and hotel destination.  For the latter, I walked around its inside lobby.  There were shops and an entrance to the hotel.  I went to a place called Milkbox and got ice cream from a local creamery.  Very nice.  With tip it cost me: $5.
• Oh yes, my Docs.  The place was called the Cobbler's Corner, and it came recommended through, uh, Yelp.  They initially told me it would be ready by Monday.  I asked for ASAP instead and they told me it was going to be $30.  That was totally cool with me.  (Aside: It is kind of weird that for this kind of "chore," I have time to get it done while I'm on vacation, but I have no time while I am just living at home.)  I got it back, saw they shined it, and tipped them an extra $20.  Is that overkill, especially since the hikes I took in the days after dusted up my shoes and probably also wreaked damage on the stitches?  Total: $50.
• Then, at night, I went to the strip club I went to when I went to Denver last year.  I was going there to see Emerald, who is a model and sexy as hell.  I didn't see her that day because she wasn't working that day.  But I did see Indra, who told me that Emerald wasn't working that day.  So I took her to the back for a 3/$100.  Indra asked for a tip.  I gave it because my fly was open and she probably saw my cock.  With cover and tips: $152.
• OK, now we're going back to Saturday, September 28.  I went to a party hosted by *****e*, even though it wasn't her party; it was *****a's.  Wanted to fuck both, but I could only fuck one, and that was the one who invited me.  That was the only "dance" I got.  With cover: $140.
• Then went to Glam Doll.  Charged the first donut, coffee and tip, so the EWR is for the second donut and tip: $5.
• Friday the 27th I think I was using the loaner car from The Mechanic Around The Corner, and I think I wanted to treat myself by getting something at Caribou instead of using the work coffee machine (which, don't get me wrong, is pretty good).  Mocha plus tip: $6.09.
• That evening, after I got back my car (with new starter), I went to the University of Minnesota women's soccer Match vs. Penn St.  It was the first of four tickets to U. Games that I bought at the Minnesota State Fair.  This Game went into Overtime where, unfortunately, the Nittany Lions scored the Game-winning (and only) Goal.  This was my first U. Game of the new school year, and apparently the concession stands system-wide have eliminated small pop from the menu.  Medium Cokes are the smallest Cokes you can purchase now.  But karma made things up by giving me too much change back for that Coke and a hot dog.  With program: $11.25.
• Afterward I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version).  Gave Sky two tips onstage because on that evening she would not dance for two bucks.  Whatever.  Got a lapper from Jade, and she ain't a bitch.  With coffee and tips the total came out to: $32.25.
• To Sunday, September 22: I took the LRT because I was working the Vikings Game but I wanted to park at a meter because I was afraid the car would not start and I would have to ask AAA to get into a parking ramp to tow me away.  Price is for getting around downtown only: $1.
• On Saturday the 21st I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition).  Coffee, tips, LD with Giselle, whom I hadn't seen in a long, long time: $30.25.
• And that evening I think I stored a wheat penny: 1 cent.
• Back to Saturday the 14th ... and oh, OK, reading my notes, this was weird.  I hosted our alma mater's Game-watching event.  One of the guys, a good guy (I went out to the Timberwolves Game with him) left and forgot to pay his meal.  So I covered it for him and he paid me back through PayPal.  In the meantime, another of the regulars at these parties gave me some money to defray the cost of his meal.  So, it's an Infusion of: $10.
• I was conducting a raffle during the Game.  Meanwhile, there was a bar crawl going on, and it was raising money for cancer charities.  My friend (the guy who later accidentally skipped out on his tab) encouraged me to go around and ask the crawlers if they wanted to play the raffle.  We actually got a few people.  Meanwhile, I wanted to be magnanimous and return the favor by giving money to the charity.  I don't know if that was the smartest thing to do.  I was sort of robbing Peter to pay Paul, you know?  Anyway, I donated: $5.
• Friday, September 13 ... went to Glam Doll to breathe.  With tip: $13.88.
• On Thursday the 12th I went to Caffetto, probably to work on my receipts.  Pumpkin pie and small coffee, then I decided I wanted something else to drink, so I got a Red Arrow root beer.  With tip: $9.92.
• Back to Monday the 9th, when I fucked *a***.  God, I need to fuck her again: $120.
• I think -- I think -- I later went to the library to print out a coupon to use at the dealership for the myriad of maintenance items I needed for my car.  Was later told at the dealership I couldn't use it.  Damn.  Cost: 10 cents.
• On Sunday, September 8 I was working the Vikings' season-opener.  Used the LRT to get to the stadium: 50 cents.
• I then walked back because I wanted to go to a block party hosted by Borough.  Had a street taco and a Gin Mule.  With tips the total was: $17.
• After that I caught up with a friend who was in town from New York, who wanted someone to help her with trivia at a brewery in south Minneapolis.  I used the LRT to get down there and back, for a total of: $4.
• At the brewery, called Venn, I got a Northodox, an IPA (?) which was real nice.  During break from trivia I also ventured out to get a chicken with rice at the food truck.  With tips for both I spent: $18.
• And then I finished my night at a night at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division), where I got a lap dance from the hot MILF Julie.  With coffee and tips: $32.

Holy shit, that took a long time.  I need to do this more often.  But I've said that, often.

Good through October 30.

Oh, Shit, I'm Gonna Get It Now

I'm out in the dining room because I really, really need to catch up on my receipts.  (It's almost the end of October and I haven't even done it for September yet.)  I rarely do this because I don't want to be bothered by my parents.

Mother comes upstairs.  She asks me, out of the blue, for no discernible reason, "What are you doing?"

"I'm doing paperwork."

For some fucking reason she repeats herself: "What are you doing?"

She heard me the first time, I know it -- "I'm doing paperwork!"

"You don't have to shout.  You sound like you want to fight.  I ask because I care about you."

See, she's said that bullshit all her life.  The woman who flipped out at me after she found out my cousin had a baby and she thought I was keeping that a secret from her is accusing me of overreacting.  Fucking rich.

For all these years I have relied on my reasons (more like justifications) for me reacting to her in that way.  I had a train of thought that she derailed.  Or, I felt that if I said something nice to her back, that would give her an in to talk about other things I didn't want to talk about.  Or I thought it was just a dumb thing to answer to so I didn't.  But after this spat last night, I think it's something else: This is a way for her to impose herself on me.  This "What are you doing line?" isn't genuine curiosity.  For fuck's sake, she could see me work on my receipts on the table, she didn't have to ask me that.  Instead, she said that because she wanted to bother me.  She wanted to impose herself on me.  And, more than that, she wanted to pick a fight with me.  She's so goddamn insecure about herself that she will probe and parse every letter I say to her to see if she can spin it into an insult.  She can then go after me and feel justified in doing so.  That's how she lives.  That's how she thrives.  Man, I really like this theory.

And now I'll have to reap the whirlwind.  As is her modus operandi, in the future, My Fucking Mother will start yelling at me for something unrelated to this perceived slight last night that she has now stored in her rage bank.

You know, I kind of feel the same way about my boss right now.  See, near the end of the workday yesterday (Tuesday), I was performing a work task on my own.  I was freelancing, but in my job I am given latitude to freelance.  My boss told me as much; in fact, he said at the time that figuring out what to do on my own will become expected of me.  But after I got done doing what I thought was best for the department, he sent me an e-mail telling me what I should be doing for the rest of the day.  "At the end of the day, it is expected that you would be doing either 'x' or 'y,'" he said.  Obvious inference: Doing "x" or "y" instead of the thing I was doing.

I don't think it was that big of a deal.  Maybe it isn't on his end, either.  And maybe I'm taking it the wrong way; I don't know him like I do My Fucking Mother.  And yet I still can't shake the feeling that he saw me doing what I thought was the right thing to do and passive-aggressively saying, "No, why the hell are you doing that?"  So, if that is the message he was trying to convey, and I play dumb and continue freelancing like I do, is he going to come down on me?  I don't know.

There are a lot of things I just don't know right now.  Well, besides humans suck.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher football (Last Week: -1).  With Saturday's 52-10 pasting of Maryland at Das BAnk v.1.0, the superlatives continue to pour in.  The team is now 8-0, the first time the program has been 8-0 since 1941.  (They won the title that year.)  They are 5-0 in the Big Ten, the first time the program has started 5-0 in the conference since 1961.  (They reached the Rose Bowl that year.)  They have a two-Game lead in the B1G West.  And the U. has reached 13th in the Associated Press poll, the first time they've reached that lofty ranking since October 3, 2004.

It is true that Minnesota has rolled up this record against less than stellar competition.  But two things stand out.  First, and I've said this before, previous Golden Gopher squads have had a cupcake line-up lined up like this and have not gone through it undefeated.  And second, notice the margins of victory over the foes, especially in the last four wins, all against conference opponents: 23 over Illinois, 27 over Nebraska, 35 over Rutgers, and 42 over Maryland.  A hallmark of a good team is that beat the shit out of shitty teams, no mercy.  That, plus all the other "first time since"'s, puts this club on the top of the WMNSS.

And now comes the big test.  After a second bye, they face Penn St. November 9 at home.  If the records stay immaculate, Minnesota will be part of yet another superlative: It'll be the first time in the history of top-flight college football that two Games on the same day feature teams that are at least 8-0 (the other Game: Alabama vs. LSU is that afternoon).  It's been a hell of a run, and dare I say already a successful season.  Two weeks from now, though, we'll see how good of a team the Minnesota Golden Gophers really are.

#0: Timberwolves (Re-Entry!).  I really, really have no expectations for this squad.  I should; these Woofie Dogs have been perennial underachievers since the turn of the millennium.  But there is nothing -- no impact rookie nor big free agent signing -- that makes any fan believe that, yes, this team will finally turn the corner.  And that means another lottery season after getting squeezed out of a still-rough and tumble Western Conference.

And yet I'll be goddamned: The Minnesota Timberwolves are currently 3-0!  It really was supposed to blow up in the season opener in Brooklyn.  Kyrie Irving dropped 50 and, in Overtime, had the ball and shot it for the win.  He actually fell, hit the deck, got up, spun around Robert Covington and got the shot off in time.  If that would've went in, I was prepared to say the Wolves were already toast.  But it didn't.

The Wolves followed that up with a resounding road victory over Charlotte, who is worse than I initially thought.  Sunday they opened up their home schedule against yet another East team, Miami.  My friend got tickets to the Game, and I got two for me and my other friend.  I was not particularly intrigued by the Wolves, who, so far, have started off gangbusters in the First Quarter only to tail off in the Second and Third.  Versus the Heat, the squandered a 13-Point 1Q lead to trail by a basket at Halftime and then by seven after three.  But somehow they battled back ... not just with the help of Karl-Anthony Towns, who captured the NBA's first Western Conference Player Of The Week award of the season, but primarily with the play of one Andrew Wiggins.  Big Wig scored what became the Game-winner over the Nets, and he ripped off 11 straight Points late in the Fourth to help Minnesota overtake the Heat in the 116-109 win.  I don't know if Wiggins can keep up his aggression or scoring touch, and obviously I don't know if the Wolves can keep winning like this.  But for now, the Minnesota Timberwolves are undefeated, and that should give them a 0.

Very interesting; the Timberwolves will still not face a Western Conference team after this week.  They are back on the road for contests against Philadelphia and Washington.  They then come home to face off against Milwaukee.

#-1: Vikings (Last Week: 0).  Thursday's win over Washington illustrates Vikings fans' unceasing unease with this club.  A team on the rise who have gotten their shit together hosting a team that is between falling apart and mailing it in.  This should be a rout, right?

Nope.  The score was 19-9.  The victory never seemed in doubt, but it was a bore to just sit through.  The only moment of intrigue came when Kirk Cousins's sneak on fourth-and-short on the Vikes' half of the field failed, giving Washington a short field and a chance to tie the Game.  Case Keenum was removed because of "concussion protocol," so Dewayne Haskins stepped in, and I feel the PTSD of many Twins Games where a rookie nobody completely fools the Twinks' lineup.  At least that didn't happen here; in a couple plays Haskins threw a pass that went through the hands of a leaping Terry McLaurin and into the waiting arms of a Minnesota defender.  What I saw after that did not make me feel as though the club can compete with New England or San Francisco (both of whom have become the toast of the NFL this season), but I felt I knew what the result would be nonetheless, and I was right.

So the Vikings have ripped off four in a row and now stand at 6-2.  Like the Gopher footballers, the competition has been less than stout.  So, yes, better to be 6-2 than 2-6.  But Sunday's contest vs. The Bastard Dallas Texans should provide a stiffer test, though maybe not a clearer picture as to how good this team is.  Patrick Mahomes may or may not be back for this one.  Moreover, Kansas City, who has lost their last three Games at home, has an incredibly leaky Defense ... which is horrible timing for them as they face an offense that's doing work on the ground and flying through the air. 

#-2: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3).  Road warriors beat Michigan in five and Michigan St. in four.  But will they shit their pants in the tourney?  Host Ohio St. Wednesday, then visit Purdue Sunday afternoon.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -5).  Sandwiched an awful 4-0 shellacking in Nashville with decisive wins over Edmonton and Los Angeles.  The key was that both victories came at the X.  So, it's possible that the Mild won't be the dumpster fire I was afraid they would be because at least they can hold their piss at home -- which would make them just a .500 at best, which is a far cry from the playoff team we hope they would always be.

Well, they have back-to-back road Games tonight and tomorrow night (that's Tuesday and Wednesday night) against The Team That Was Stolen From Us and St. Louis, then the club comes back home to face said Blues.  So, if the pattern holds, the Wild should get out of this screening week at 1-2?

#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2).  Uh-oh.  The Gophers actually lost a Game.  Sure, it was on the road, and to Ohio St. Friday, and by a score of 4-3, and the Buckeyes have an all-Golden Gopher coaching staff, which isn't a bad tree from which to branch from.  But still, it's Minnesota.  Yeah, they came back the next night to defeat the Bucks, 4-2.  But while they remain at #2, Wisconsin is now the clear-cut #1 team in the country, and I'm scared that that will be wire to wire.

And wouldn't you look at that ... the Badgers come to town for a two-Game series this Saturday and Sunday afternoon.

#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4).  With a home-and-home shellacking at the hands of Minnesota-Duluth over the weekend by a combined score of 7-2, it is clear that the satellite campus of the University of Minnesota system is now the big brother to the main campus when it comes to men's hockey.  Wouldn't it be such, then, that the in-state blue-chippers would now migrate to the Bulldogs, who obviously have the better program and pipeline to the NHL, than the Goofers?

This weekend commences league play; the U. host Notre Dame Friday and Saturday.

#-Infinity: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -6).  Didn't know before last week's survey, and I still don't quite believe it, but with Thursday's 1-0 win at Northwestern, they were still, somehow, technically still alive to reach the B1G Tournament.  Well that crashed down to earth after the side got shellacked 4-1 in Illinois Sunday to end their season at 3-4-12 overall and 2-2-7 in the league.

According to the blog Equal Time Soccer, the U. soccer program a few years ago decided to make a concerted effort to tough their non-conference schedule.  They couldn't do it overnight, however; they could only schedule a few years out with opponents of a higher caliber.  Well, of their eight non-con foes for 2019, four of them were from a BcS conference.  A fifth is Marquette, from the quasi-power conference the Big East.  Add in Cal-Santa Barbara and Cal State Fullerton, two schools from the soccer hotbed of California, and you can see the beginnings of a formidable sked.

On the downside, the U. won only one Game and tied two others, so maybe the roster as it was shaped just couldn't compete with the competition.  But then again, the only mid-major school you could image being on the schedule when the U. was not beefing it up, South Dakota St., ending in a 1-0, so maybe the problem really was the players.  And that thought is beefed up when you look at the non-conference schedules from 2018 and 2017.  A lot of big-name schools, and there is a sprinkle of ranked teams, too.

Add that the 2018 squad needed to run the table in the Big Ten Tournament in order to reach the NCAA Tournament, and you can see that it's now been two years since Minnesota fielded a good side.  Maybe, possibly, this program is drifting, and that the ambitions being spoken aren't successfully being backed up in deed.  Hey, my conclusion.

OK, So I Got A Little Aggro Just Now

Fed up over getting fat, then dealing with an anxious Mother asking questions about her fucking frequent flier miles, has gotten to me, and I've transferred my again just now onto the highway, which is a very bad place to which I should transfer my anger.

You know, when you are taking a left at an intersection, that you are supposed to turn onto the lane closest to the side of the intersection from which you came?  In other words, if you are turning onto a two-lane highway, you turn onto the lane closer to where you were, and not the other one?  Well, you must also know that no one follows that rule all the time.  I certainly don't.

Well, I wanted to get around the car in front of me, so once the light turned green, I turned such that I went onto the "farther" lane.  Unfortunately, there was a car coming from the other side of the intersection, and it wanted to take a right -- immediately, as I was taking my left onto that same lane.  I saw him turning as I was onto the same area and I honked my horn for a good five seconds.  Are you blind, you idiot?  Why the hell are you turning the same time I was turning?  You don't think I wouldn't be taking that lane, asshole?

And ... in retrospect, after the creeping fear that the person in the other car has a gun subsided, maybe I overreacted a bit.  When I was honking my horn I felt I was about to get hurt, but I was also staking my territory as a toxic male.  This reminds me of a weeklong period about two months ago (something I wanted to talk about on Wailing And Failing but I didn't want to take the time to sit down and write about it) where I was picking fights with any car and anyone.

It culminated at, of all places, the Culver's across from Allianz Field.  After a win (?) from Minnesota United, I queued up to get a custard.  Or so I thought; there was a couple, really a boy and a girl, sitting right where I lined up, and the girl tugged on my shirt and whispered, "We were in line."  Jesus fuck, if you line up, you actually stand up, get it?  But I didn't want to argue.  Instead, I did the Minnesotan thing: I did what the girl asked, lined up behind them (while they were still sitting down), and, as more people were lining up, seeing us, and asked, "Are you guys in line?" I answered, "Yes, we are.  Well, these guys are sitting down, but they're still in line, so what do I know?"  The second time I did that, the boy finally grew some balls and spoke, and at a level where strangers could actually hear: "You got a problem?"  To which I replied, "No, not right now."  And those two got up because the line started to move.

Yeah, maybe I should stop letting my toxic masculinity lead the way in public.  Or, maybe I should start sticking up for myself even more.

My Stupid Ass Though I Could Eat Everything!

To follow up on my previous post -- tldr; I hate myself:

The reason why I wanted to go to Hooters yesterday/Sunday ... well, one of the reasons why I wanted to go to Hooters is because I wanted to bathe in a Sunday afternoon of professional football-watching.  I wanted to go to a place where I could see multiple screens, each showing a different NFL game, and since the Vikings played (and won) Thursday, even better because I would have no rooting interest in one game over the rest.

I had another reason: The October coupon I got when I bought the Hooters calendar expires, obviously, October 31.  I was going to do my usual thing of avoiding all Halloween festivities by going to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Division) after work, then eating at Hooters and staying there until I knew all the trick-or-treaters would be done.  However, I was told by my boss that I was going to fill in for the second-shifter that night.  That's convenient in the sense that I don't need to make up an excuse to stay out for Halloween, but that means that I can't use the coupon that night.

But -- and I thought of this after I left work at noon -- can I use that coupon during the day?  I have so much time in the afternoon that I could easily gorge down a lunch using that coupon (which, by the way, gives me 10 boneless wings free if I buy 10 boneless).  That immediately took the pressure off me using the coupon that day, considering all the shit I had to publicly eat yesterday/Sunday.

So ... why go to Hooters then?  Why not just go to Hooters another Sunday?  Yeah ... well, again, the Vikings weren't playing yesterday, so I could just be a neutral and watch all the games.  But ... huh, you know, I think I just got it in my head that I was going to Hooters to watch the NFL no matter what.  The coupon thing became clear to me, but still, I was going -- and I went, and I ate nachos, but I ate those so fast that there was still time in the fourth quarter, so I had a huge slice of cheesecake, too.

Then I went home and had dinner -- pho.  And goddammit, I couldn't finish it.  I took it as much of the noodles as I could, but the soup, which is the best part, I left, like, a quarter left.  Mother immediately got suspicious; she asked me what else I ate that day, and I told her "just coffee," because I was lying to them by saying I was at work all day.  I know that my parents forced me to eat all the food they put in front of me when I was young, and that's how I got all fucked up about eating everything in sight.  But as I try to process how they trauma they inflicted upon me, I want to state the very accurate fact that Mother is a damn fine cook, and the pho is probably the greatest dish she makes.  I will learn to moderate eating anything else she makes, but give me this.  I feel like it's my duty to finish her pho, and I will feel like a bad son whenever I don't, like I didn't last night.

And since I was at the point where I literally could not cram anything more down my gullet because my stomach and my throat were telling me they would vomit it back up, there was no way I was eating or drinking anything at Target Center for the Timberwolves game.  Actually, after dinner I felt so fat I felt sick.  I got out of the house late, and even though there was ample parking, I met up with my friend and got to our seats just before player introductions.  I'm sure that if I were less full I would have been enthusiastic enough to try one of the recommended dishes or one of the new dishes at Target Center.  But in my state, no way.  I can barely digest the Chinese soup my parents are making me eat-drink as I blog about this.

Once again, I really thought I could just eat my way through the day.  I can't anymore.  I tried to digest so many calories that I don't think my teenage me would have eaten it all.  I should have just gone home straight from work, watched the two games broadcast over-the-air, eaten the whole bowl of pho, gone straight to the Wolves game and just eaten some more.  Now, not only do I have some transient guilt over wasting the pho, I have been scouring scalper websites to find a cheap-enough ticket to go to a Wolves game while my folks are gone so I can "properly" have dinner at Target Center.  And by the way, the lowest ticket price for all the games I can see is too, too much for me to satiate my OCD and go to another game.

And by the way, I'm sure I really do weigh 200 pounds now.  I have so many things I need to do today/Monday, but working out, and hard, should be one of them.

Fuck It, I'm 200 Pounds

Ate a lot watching my alma mater.  Thought I tempered myself at work yesterday, having only coffee (with a hell of a lot of creamer, but still), but my folks cooked up one hell of a meal, so I gorged out on dinner.  Then I went to a stripper party and I had to eat pizza and drink a Redd's black cherry because I paid $20 just to get in.  And then, when I came home, I had so damn Chinese drink to drink.

Now add today, where I come into work for half a day, so I'll have more coffee with cream.  Then I'm going to Hooters to watch some football.  Then I'll probably have dinner -- quickly and small (yeah right) -- then I'm off to the Timberwolves game because my friend gave me two free tickets (the friend is working the game, so I'm going with another friend).  Of course I have to get food there.

And after that, well ... I'll weigh 200 goddamn pounds.  Fuck me and fuck my life.

My parents are leaving soon.  I should -- should -- be able to control my weight once that happens.

RIP, Hot Babe

Just about a day and 40 Minutes ago, the daughter of a stripper I know died.  She was only 27.  She died of an overdose due to opioids.  She leaves behind her mom and a couple kids.

Didn't know her.  But I have seen her naked.  She was a stripper.  Well, maybe not a stripper, but I've been to a few stripper parties where she danced and, uh, partied with me.  And when I say partied, I meant that we went into bedroom and got naked.  I made her squeeze my dick once.

It is sad that a life so young has been taken.  And I will admit to favoring aesthetics when I say that it is a sin that a woman so beautiful has been taken, too.  Seriously, she was gorgeous.  But like her mother said, the hold of drugs, especially pharmaceutical ones that are made with the express purpose of numbing feeling and killing pain, has such a hold on so many people that no one can predict whether or when he or she can become addicted.

I am worried about the kids.  They are so young.  They, however, have not been in the custody of their mother for some time.  Instead, they are now in the custody of her mom/their biological grandmother.  Yes, the stripper I know -- that's her.  I know her very well.  She's given me handjobs.  She's sucked my dick.  We have even fucked.  (She was the also the one who didn't "pay me back" when I got her a knockoff bag when I was in Hong Kong, but this is no time to bring up petty shit like that.)  In fact, it was in her apartment where I attended parties that included her daughter.  Yes, a mother/daughter stripping duo.  The mom never liked it, but the daughter insisted about getting into the business, so the mother thought it was better to at least show her the ropes.

There is no connection between stripping and drugs.  Nor is there any any proof that somehow her mom got her daughter hooked.  The mom told me -- before we went up to her bedroom and she gave me a blowjob -- that she got into opioids and it got to the point where she needed to take her kids away from her.  She was hoping her daughter would turn things around.

This is a very tricky situation.  I want to support her, but I have to know my place in her circle of friends.  No way am I communicating to her now.  I'll wait until there is an obituary and notification of any service -- if she is going to announce or it or let me know.  If I am invited, I'll go, give her my well wishes, tell her if she needs anything, and leave.  I need to be a grown-up about this, and to do that I have to give her some space.

And still, even though we only met a few times, I'll miss her.  She was a part of my life, only briefly, and so I am touched by her death.

And I compounded to my general ... "ooginess" by eating way too much before and after the Vikings game.  It wasn't even the greatest food because the chicken I had before the game and the chicken wings I had after were both very dry.  And yet I had a second helping of the latter ... as well as second helpings of the sandwich, which was a lot better, but I was full by then, but I ate it anyway.

I'm constipated as fuck and my stomach feels like I'm having a baby inside of me.  Ick.  And I have to eat at home before going to watch my alma mater at the bar.

I make poor decisions.

No Evenings To Myself This Week

I have the Vikings and my alma mater's game-watching event.  Plus I still need to reconcile my receipts for last month and I can't do it while I'm at home and I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. ...

Want To Be Done With This Airline Miles Shit, And Anticipating My Fucking Mother To Blow

Yesterday I got blindsided when I checked my parents' e-mail.  There was a reply from Delta, which came months after I had to reply to it, which came months after it replied to me, etc.  I put in one final effort to get all my parents' frequent flier miles to count, and a combination of Mother not getting all the fucking ticket stubs, all the flying on partner airlines, and me just not giving a shit about carrying My Fucking Mother's water on yet another thing she's too goddamn lazy to track on her own, made this a drawn-out affair.

I stopped caring a long time ago.  I really did.  But then Delta said that they reviewed everything and they were going to count everything I handed in/declared on my parents' behalf ... except for one thing: One flight Mother took because, according to the Delta rep, I did not ask for miles for this segment in time, which would be nine months after the flight.

I'm OK with that because, like I said, I don't give a fuck anymore.  I think Mother will pitch a shit fit, and coming home from work yesterday I was ready to literally throw down.  Mother turns into a psycho cunt when 1) she doesn't get her way; 2) she doesn't understand why she can't get her way; and 3) she believes I'm not caring to the extent she thinks I should about the thing for which she isn't getting her way.  This was a perfect recipe for her to have another one of her damn meltdowns, and I was ready to take none of her bullshit.

Well, she didn't say anything yesterday, and I haven't heard anything today.  Meanwhile I should look up both my parents' Delta miles to see exactly what is and is not there.  Once I'm satisfied, I think I will just lay all the stubs My Fucking Mother gave me on the sill, a metaphorical way of wiping my hands on this goddamn affair.

If we get into a screaming match, of course I will vent/cry about it here.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Vikings (Last Week: -1).  By no means have the Vikings faced down the best of the NFL.  But I have to give some measure of praise to this club.  In a tricky visit to Detroit, they were able to score, sometimes at will, and power their way to a 42-30 victory over the Lions.  They have won three in a row.  And that winning streak coincides with vastly improved play on the offensive side of the ball, as evidenced by Kirk Cousins suddenly becoming an all-world player.  Cousins became the first Quarterback in league history to throw for at least 300 Yards and generate a Passer Rating of at least 135 in three straight Games.  I don't totally get the significance of that statistic, but there you go.

Right now, in fact, it looks like the defense is the weak point of this ballclub.  Marvin Jones caught four Touchdown passes in Sunday afternoon's matchup.  The hallmark of this team is flailing, but if there is an upside, it's that, at least for one tilt, the Vikings have shown that they can win in a shootout and not just in a grinder.  Versatility is the key to winning, especially in the playoffs.

This is a dreaded short week.  They play Thursday night against Washington.  It would be a trap Game, but I don't think so in this case because 1) it's at home and 2) it's against Washington.  Can the Vikes really overlook this sorry club?

#-1: Gopher football (Last Week: 0).  I put the college gridioners second only because of the caliber of opponent Fleck & Co. dominated.  It is the 150th anniversary of the first college Game, pitting Princeton and Rutgers, and if the 42-7 beatdown the U. delivered to the Scarlet Knights in Piscataway, N.J., is any indication, those guys played as if they also just invented the game of football.

Nevertheless, these Gophers are now ranked 17th in the country, and are 7-0 for the first time since 1960 -- a year, by the way, where they won the NCAA championship.  And that record should -- should -- go to 8-0 Saturday afternoon when they face Maryland at Das Bank v.1.0.  That is the last cupcake before the gauntlet that ends the season.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2).  Swept St. Cloud St. at Ridder over the weekend by a combined 7-2.  Yeah, but are these women going to win the national title?  At Ohio St. this weekend.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3).  Swept Northwestern, then defeated Illinois in four Sets in back-to-back nights.  Yeah, but are these women gonna shit the bed again come tournament time?  At the Michigan schools this weekend.

By the way, my condolences go out to the family, friends, fans and the volleyball community.  Dr. Mike Hebert, former coach of the Gopher volleyball program, died Monday due to complications from a myriad of health issues, including the Parkinson's that hastened his retirement from the Gophers in 2010.  But in his 14 years at the U., he turned Minnesota into a powerhouse, a school whose fans now demand championships.  He got close, taking Minnesota to five Final Fours and the national title game in 2004 (the school's first), where they lost to Stanford.  While Hebert didn't win it all, he lit the way for others to finish the job he started.  For that, I honor him.  RIP, Dr. Hebert.

#-4: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!).  Holy shit!  Forgot this team starting playing last week.  But after going to Friday's home opener versus Niagara and peeping all those empty seats, well, me forgetting actually makes a whole lot of sense.

And they didn't help their cause for relevance last week when the squad dropped the season opener at Colorado College, 3-2, back on the 11th.  Sure, they've won three straight since (obviously including sweeping the Purple Eagles -- what the hell is a Purple Eagle -- this past weekend), but I saw this team with my own eyes Friday, and by God, they suuuuuuuck.  No connection whatsoever, they were slow at times, and they made so many stupid decisions leading to turnovers in their own zone.  In fact, just on talent alone, Niagara looked like the better team.  That should frighten #PrideOnIce fans.

This is the second year of Bob Motzko's tenure.  The mulligan was last year.  Now, I need to see some fucking progress.  And while they could have gotten off to worse starts, I wouldn't mind seeing some bleepin' competence right about now.  (Thank God for Sammy Walker; he was the one who skated through the Purple Eagle offensive zone and score the Game-ending Goal Friday.  Did you know he's a captain ... as a sophomore?)  Unfortunately the competition ramps up; this weekend they have a home-and-home with Minnesota-Duluth.  The Bulldogs are off to a rocky start, but they still are two-time defending champs.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -4).  The only action this team had this past screening week was a home-and-home with Montreal.  They got blasted in Canada, 4-0, but came back to win the return Game at the X, 4-3.  Does that end talk that this club, and organization, should be in rebuilding mode?  Fuck no!  They kind of have a reckoning of a week, starting tonight/Tuesday night at home vs. Edmonton.  They then go to Nashville Thursday, then hopscotch back home to host Los Angeles Saturday.  This squad easily could go 0-3 this week.  And if it does, well, the writing on the future of the Mild might be on the wall.

#-6: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -5).  Don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but last season, the University of Minnesota was the only BcS school to have all of its varsity teams finish their seasons above (or was it at least not below?) .500.  Well, that ain't extending to this year.  The women's XI tied Nebraska Thursday at 1 and lost 2-1 to Iowa Sunday to finish out their year at Robbie Stadium.  They now sit 1-2-6 in the Big Ten and 2-4-11 overall -- ugh, ghastly.  And that screening week eliminates the Golden Goofers from even a chance at getting into the conference tournament.

They finish up their regular year this weekend at the Illinois schools.

#-Infinity: United FC (Re-Entry!).  I don't want to bloviate too much on the Loonies.  It is sort of strange to bag on a team when you're letting the organization take money out of your bank account every month for season tickets.

That said, I'm mad and sad.  I think the goal for this franchise this year was to get into the playoffs.  They did that, and therefore that is an accomplishment.  (They also reached the final of the U.S. Open Cup, and I'm opening my mind to the concept that a team can be in two different competitions in the same season.)  But it's not moving the goalposts to believe that, if a side finishes well enough to earn a home playoff Game, they should win that home playoff Game.

Moreover, Sunday night they were facing the Los Angeles Galaxy (which, I will confess here, is still a favored team of mine.  I went out to Los Angeles for college and Major League Soccer started up while I was there.  I still have a Galaxy hat.  But boo, I hate them now.  Well, right now), a team that laps the Loons in star quality and money.  But since they were playing on the road, the supposed talent they had didn't manifest itself in the standings.  The Galaxy is an underachieving team that had a leaky Backline.  I really, really thought MNUFC would win.  They should have won.  But I was dreading the worst because, well, I'm a Minnesota sports fan, and Minnesota teams shit the bed whenever they play postseason Games at home.  (To wit, the Twinks a couple weeks ago.)  And they did; shit, once L.A. went ahead with their first Goal (Jan Gregus was caught in no-man's land; he scored United's only Goal, so he cancelled himself out), I sat down and didn't stand up for the rest of the Match because I knew they were done for.  (Aside: You know, I spent a good half-hour trying to find my United FC scarf.  Couldn't find it, so I went with only a free beanie branded with the Loon.  I think I did the right thing.  And no, I didn't jinx the club.)

There has been a lot of #heathout heat in the wake of this humiliating defeat.  That animosity centers around Heath making the decision to keep Darwin Quintero on the bench to start the Game.  I was not absolutely against this decision in and of itself.  For one thing, I hear that Quintero was sick on Thursday.  And for another, I don't know El Cientifico was in-form at the end of the regular season.  I mean, it's not Christiano Ronaldo we're talking about here.  If he hadn't scored in a while, he's not a no-brainer starter.  Actually, if I can criticize anything about Heath's decisions, I criticize him for going back to "his guys," MLS veterans like Kevin Molino and Ethan Finlay, instead of trying some new, young blood like Mason Toye and Hassani Dotson.  Also, Molino was installed as the #10, a position he hadn't been in in 16 months.  This is no goddamn time to put a guy in a position he is rusty in.  That's ridiculous.

With that being said, the Galaxy was there for the taking.  Hey, if the 2-1 result were at Carson, Calif., I would have been totally OK with the Loons losing.  Baby steps and what not.  But like I said, since they were home, I think it's reasonable to expect that they would win at home.  They didn't.  And that's failure.

Oh, by the way, someone hug Miguel Ibarra, please.  He would have injected a near-riot if he were the last substitute into the Match.  What Heath asked for in the pre-Game video, to make the place loud for the opposition -- well, sending Batman into the Game would've done that.  But Heath didn't, stashing him in the bench where he's been the back half of the season ... until now, where he'll probably be told to leave.  Fuck.

I'm just going to not wear Loons shit until next year.  

Farewell, Overtime

There has been a lot of shuffling at work, and thus a couple openings.  One of them, crafted by my boss, was a weird weekend-wraparound position; you would jump around departments, just like I do, but you would work Saturday through Tuesday for ten hours each day.  Absolutely weird, but the requirements of the departments my boss oversees demands a jack-of-all-trades job like that, and he is banking that someone who wants to go to school during the week would take this full-time job.

In the meantime, we all were told that we needed to take up slack.  Specifically, there was some filing that could be done late in the week; we were told we could pick up an extra half-hour of overtime to file away stuff and/or catch up on work that's still to be done.  Also, there is one person out on Data
Entry every Sunday, if only for about half a day, but someone had to do it.  Actually, it was just me and the woman who screamed, "YOU'RE LATE!" at me who was picking up the job in the interim.

Miraculously, a couple weeks ago, someone applied and got that wraparound job.  It was a guy who used to work there, but got laid off after the company moved his department to another state.  He had been gone about 18 months, but apparently he liked working there.  I don't know if he's going back to school, but he jumped at this job, and he's been on-ramping/training ever since.

That included Sunday, when my boss asked me to join him out at Data Entry (or DE) in case he had questions about anything he came across.  (He did have some; I didn't know how to answer; he called another person on her day off.  Yeah, I ain't no trainer.)  But that is basically it.  My boss told me that instead of doing eight, 8 1/2 hours of work on Sundays, like I had been doing when the Vikings weren't playing at home, I could get in early to file, but once the main work at DE was done, I should go.  It is expected that he is taking this Sunday shift from this point forward, and this ostensibly also means no one needs to come in and do an extra half-hour in Filing each week, either.

And you know what?  I'm kind of upset.  I mean, I don't have the right to expect OT.  But I had been doing it for almost two months now, and I obviously miss the extra money in my paycheck.  But I also miss the environment I worked in, especially on Sundays.  Sure, I have to wake up and come in early.  But in Filing there was one other person there.  She's nice.  We don't talk a lot, but when we do, it's an interesting conversation.  And then around 10 I take a break and then go out to DE to wait for applications.  This whole time I am by myself.  There is no one to track if I'm getting back to work on time.  I don't need to use headphones so I don't bother my co-workers because there are no other co-workers.  So, I can turn up the radio third shift people use so I can hear Vikings games.  Also, I have turned up the speaker on my satellite radio to listen to soccer matches.  People pass through, but they don't care that I'm blaring the radio, because that's not their department.  I am my own boss on Sundays.  No one's bothering me.  And it was glorious.

And now it's over.

I miss it already.

The Only Good Thing About That Shit-Ass Game Last Night

So Allianz Field was giving out these bracelets that light up in unison according to what the, uh, stadium production crew wants to do, which is sort of dependent on the play on the field and the chanting from the Wonderwall.  It should have blew up in smoke after the Loons fucking shit the bed at home against the Galaxy.  Instead, I noticed that after leaving that abortion of a game and walking towards my car in the residential area north of Allianz that the bracelets others are wearing (I put mine away as soon as the Galaxy scored the first Goal) that it was still lighting up blue.  How can the production crew still make the bracelets light up after we've leaf the stadium?

And I was freaking out/pissed off when I got home and the bracelet was still a solid blue.  I wanted to go to sleep and forget that loss!  How in the hell can I do that if this damn souvenir of a disappointment was lit up in blue?  So I went to Twitter to make sure that other people were having the, uh, same problem, and asked what the hell to do.  One person answered: Take out the battery, you moron.  There's a battery in the bracelet?  Oh, there's a battery in the bracelet.  Two of them, in fact, and after some trouble I was able to open the cover and take them out.

And these are the disc/hearing aid type of batteries.  Which got me to thinking.  A couple months ago I had to switch car fobs because the one I had wouldn't remote open because of ... the battery.  I went to Target to get some, but I couldn't find the exact type of battery for the fob.  I was so flummoxed that I really thought I would have to order them through Amazon, but I just switched out fobs and hoped that I would remember to get the right battery before that fob ran out of juice also.

I looked at the etching on the two batteries I popped out of the bracelet.  I had a good feeling.  I got the fob with the worn-out battery and jimmied it open.  And the battery in the fob was the exact same type of battery that the bracelet was powered with!  I got a new battery for my key fob!!  And I have a spare for the other key fob when its battery dies, too!!!  If I bought two batteries they would cost me, what, $20, maybe?

Anyway, without me doing any more work or spending any more cash, I got not one, but two batteries that I needed for my car key fob.  And I was able to disable the bracelet that is a painful reminder of what I witnessed last night in the process.  Maybe karma did me a solid this one time!

One Thing I Saw On My Way Home Just Now:

Saw a couple black dudes leave the Nazi bar in downtown Minneapolis.  Don't they know it's a Nazi bar?  Do they care it's a Nazi bar?  Do they -- gulp -- like that it's a Nazi bar?

Man, some people are so stupid to not have principles.

Oh, Everybody Fucking Sucks This Week

So this girl at work, who I thought was real cool, acted like such a bitch when I came for work Tuesday.  It was the beginning of my work week, so it was difficult for me to get up, and then traffic got diverted because there was a new closure.  I got there in time, but she, out of nowhere, goes, "YOU'RE LATE!"  So?  You're dating a guy who stalked you from Ohio -- what the fuck's your point?"  Oh, and she's been kind of ignoring me ever since.  I gave her a compliment after she got her promotion this week and she blew me off.  Fuck you.

Oh, so this girl, who was a bitch to me when I started but mellowed out as the months went on ... well, she is now my new supervisor.  And the first thing she's been doing this week, her first week in her new job, is to point out every single goddamn thing I've done wrong.  Yeah-yeah-yeah, it's her job.  But bullshit she has to come down on me like this.  She's acting like a mediocre tough boss, that's what she is.  And then she's stupid enough to e-mail me about these goddamn errors with ALL CAPS.  STOP SHOUTING AT ME, GODDAMN YOU!!!  She did it not just once, but twice, when all I did was ask her a reasonable question.  STOP SHOUTING AT ME!!!  AND FUCK YOU AND YOUR ERROR MESSAGES FOR ME, TOO!!!

Oh, and My Fucking Mother went in on me this week, too.  Shit.  She asked for my help arranging a meeting with Medicare insurance brokers.  They've been going back and forth about time and date.  Well, I e-mailed this agent that my parents could her Thursday at 10.  After dinner, My Fucking Mother shouts from the basement for me.  She then shows me a reply e-mail from the broker saying that she's set up a conference room for 9, not 10.  My Fucking Mother refuses to meet at 9 because that would mean hitting the road at 8, when there's still traffic out, and she just hates traffic.  While I am e-mailing her to make sure she's got the right time, My Fucking Mother blames me for the wrong time -- that because I didn't specifically say, "My parents will meet you Thursday at 10 a.m." every single sentence, the agent totally forgot the time and so totally got it wrong.  I got so triggered that I screamed at My Fucking Mother, "I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY THAT!!!" four times to shut her up and get the last word.  It was just an honest mistake on the broker's part; not an hour later she corrected herself.  But that fuckin' bitch once again blamed me for something I didn't do.  Fuck you too!!!

Everything and everybody sucks this week.  Goddamn I'll be glad when this is over.  But I have to wake up early the next two days to do things I'm not up for, especially not in the mindset I've been put in.  Fuck these people!

Like A Penthouse Letter

So I went back to TUSCL to write a scathing review of how I got ripped off by a bitchy stripper when I stumbled onto the forums there, something I usually don't spend time doing.  There, there was a thread about Asian Massage Parlors, or AMPs.  I try not to look at them because I usually am not into Asians.

However -- and don't get me wrong -- I got really, really turned on by a description of a "masseuse" at one of those illicit places.  The guy, or "monger," got into really good detail about this place, and the owner -- what she looks like, how to approach her, and what'll she offer.  I'll admit it: I got off when he described this owner/masseuse as "an older Asian woman."  This might mean I have an Oedipal Complex, but whatever; I had to touch myself.  Yes, off of a description.  But it was from the description of this hot woman by the monger and not the monger himself.  (I'm stressing that I'm not gay, OK?)

This massage parlor is in the St. Louis area, a place I frequent and plan to vacation at next year.  With my ATF planning to leave, there might be one fewer strip club I'll be going to.  There's one other bar I go to, and I hear that's been shut down because a fire broke out.  So, to meet my urges in St. Louis, I'm thinking about going to an AMP, and in particular this one with the hot older Asian woman.

I felt the need to directly message the person who described this babe to get more research.  And last/Thursday night he replied back.  And dammit, he got into more explicit detail about what to do -- how to ask, when you should get naked, what I should say, how much money I need to bring, etc.  He got into so much lurid detail that ... well, I'll admit that I got so horny I had to jerk off again!

And you know what?  I did it a third time, the second last night -- and I don't feel ashamed at all!  I had to know if this owner/masseuse was both hot and "into it."  And he gave me more details about her, like I can ask her to show me her tits ... boom!  Had to do it again!

Man, I haven't felt this hopped up to masturbate in a long, long time.  Thank God I can still get off over descriptions of hot babes I might risk getting arrested for!

But What If I Don't Have A Plan B?

So every year there are a couple games (at least) where my alumni club has to go to a place different from our usual haunt.  That's because my alma mater is part of the Pac-12 Conference.  The conference has a network, the Pac-12 Network.  It is like other major college conference networks like the Big Ten Network and the SEC Network.  However, the P12N makes a pittance for its member schools compared to the Big Ten or the SEC.

The reason for that disparity comes from the amount of subscriber money these conference networks get.  The B1G and the SEC (and, I think, the ACC Network as well, at least as soon as its first year [and the ACCN started back in late August] is done) have a lot more cable and satellite systems carrying the network.  And that is because all those other networks are co-owned by a cable network, either ESPN or Fox Sports.  Those sports networks use their clout through their other sports channels to leverage those conference networks onto as many packages as they can so they get a piece of every subscriber who buys that package.  The Pac-12 Network has been way less successful in getting that amount of exposure because they are not co-owned by ESPN or Fox Sports.  They are truly an independent, fully owned by the members of the Pac-12 Conference itself.  And that lack of networking has cost them.

It costs the P12N in exposure.  They don't have the muscle of a sports network telling providers to put this channel on, and in a tier that isn't so exclusive that many customers opt not to buy it.  But that is where the Pac-12 Network is.  As such, they are in a few carriers and not in a lot of others.  And the P12N is not on the satellite system our go-to place purchases.  So, for the games on the conference network, we go somewhere else.  That had been a pain-in-the-ass to look for, but finally we settled on a place just up the street, around the corner and on the other side of the parking lot.  This place is very convenient; and I don't understand why I just didn't go there sooner.

But the rub has always been coming in the week of a game on the Pac-12 Network and saying that we want to watch our game there.  I've always felt awkward because these guys are my fallback, our chapter's chick on the side.  They've been great and they've always been accommodating, but we both know that place is still our Plan B.  So I'm always scared that I'll go in, ask if we can watch the game there, and then be rebuffed.  We've had these guys as our auxiliary for a few years now, but the chance that it'll be yanked out from under me never goes away.

So it was last night, when I came in for a late dinner, just to grease the skids for my main request.  I talked to a bartender who recognized my face from before; when I asked if we can come in, he said he needed to talk to a manager.  He did, and then he said something I hadn't heard before when I tried to "reserve" a spot for the day of the game.  He said I needed to call a manager Friday.  That I've done before.  But he said he (and I don't know if he was referring to himself or the manager) wanted to nail down a specific number of people who are coming to watch the game Saturday night.  I never know how many people are going to come.  I don't run a formal RSVP, and people have for years just shown up whenever without telling me.

I could understand, at least from a general standpoint, the need to get a precise head count.  Like the bartender said, the bar does not want to overstaff or understaff.  But then the bartender said that, and I think I'm paraphrasing here, "The main thing for you guys is to develop consistency from week to week."  I didn't know what to say to that.  The bartender knows that we only watch a few games here each season at the most.  I'm pretty sure he knows we usually go to the bar around the corner.  So, what consistency?  Is there now a need for consistency that I am just learning about?  How vital is this "consistency" to them, because I can tell them right now that we're going back to our usual spot the following week because that game is on ESPN ... or Fox.  One of the two, you get my picture.

I hoped that our occasional soirees there would be enough for them to keep us coming on an irregular basis.  Hell, I hope we tip well enough as a gesture of thanks.  But now I'm scared about this call I have to make to the manager.  What will he want to know?  Can I give an answer to him?  Will it be enough?  Will he say no?  Should I lie in case he says "x" number of people isn't enough for me to staff for and I should find another place?  And most importantly of all, if he says we can't come in, what the hell do I do then?

This is just way too stressful.  I just need one place to go to, and I can't have that.  (I could use another person to do this, but that's another story.)  I am now forced to beg that this second place doesn't pull a surprise on me.  Sheesh.

Construction Is About To Screw Me Over Hard

Winter is coming, and one of the few saving graces is that construction has to stop (well, usually).  But until that time, construction projects continue and, sometimes, speed up to beat the cold and the snow.  It appears to be doing that now, and in my neck of the woods.

My commute has been affected for the better part of a year now.  I can get to work through 35W South, but it has been reduced to fewer lanes over the past several months, choking the lanes that are free and thus running up the time it takes to get to work.  This was my preferred method before the shifting areas of construction began, and it took me, oh, several times being late before I concluded that using side streets would be the faster commute.

But three closings over the next week might end even that detour.  First, the off-ramp going from 35W South to the exit that stops right at work closed yesterday/Tuesday morning.  That doesn't affect me directly, but indirectly, those cars that use that ramp probably will take the one north of it.  The ripples from that closure I saw this morning as I was furtively trying to get to work on time; I had to wait at my light while the cross-light was filled with people taking left turns to get onto 35W South.  I assume traffic patterns were altered to accommodate these inconvenienced commuters.

It'll get somewhat worse tomorrow/Thursday morning, when that exit I alluded to above, the on-ramp onto 35W South will close.  Only on a few occasions have I used that after work.  But dammit, I planned on using it tomorrow because I am going to see my shrink.

Finally, the shit probably hits the fan Monday.  There is a big sign on the suburb that encompasses this side street that road construction begins next week.  I have no idea what that means -- I should call them -- but I wonder if the row of cones that made the right lane of this two-lane highway unusable has anything to do with it.  If so, it was bad enough when I drove that street with only one lane open today; it might get worse if this is the beginning of a prolonged project.

What really pisses me off is that all these construction projects are going on at the same time, and they're clustered around the same area -- the one that I need to drive through to get to work.  Is there any coordination, is there any meeting, where someone goes, "Yeah, there are a few projects going on in the same area, so wouldn't it be prudent that we delay this project so people can use the detour without suffering through more construction congestion?"  That makes total sense to me.  But obviously that shit ain't happening.

I have trouble getting up as it is.  I've been cutting it very close getting to work this week, although this morning I was sort of cutting my nose to spite my face (I might get into talking about my bitchy co-worker some other time).  What's going on now, and what will probably happen starting next week, should spur me into leaving at an earlier time to ensure I get to work on time.  Nevertheless, this is the stereotypical Minnesota Construction Season rearing its ugly head, and for the first time in a long time (if not ever), it feels as though its tentacles are conspiring against me.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Before we begin, a reminder: Yes, I understand that the Whitecaps began their season this weekend.  But they began it by raising their NWHL championship banner.  And if you have been a devoted reader of WAF or the WMNSS, you'll know that I do not write about a team after they won a title until the week they end a season short of winning a title.  You'll notice that nearly all the teams I write about are listed starting with a rank of -1; that means that I'm ranking these local teams as which is the least worst.  When you win a championship, you get to escape the clutches of my negativity ... until you lose.  So be free Whitecaps, and I hope to God that you win as many championships in a row as possible.

#0: Gopher football (Last Week: -3).  We have earned a skepticism for our teams.  But you should suspend disbelief, even for a little bit, for the University of Minnesota football team.  Many people though that the first half of the schedule was a cake walk, and I don't think the Sagarin rating for this club is high.  Nevertheless, on Saturday night, the Golden Gophers routed Nebraska at TCF Bank, 34-7.  The margin of victory is nowhere near the beats Tom Osborne's Cornhuskers took on the U. in the early eighties.  But this was an ass-kicking nonethless, and it takes the squad to 6-0 -- and already bowl-eligible.

It is safe to say that P. J. Fleck is continuing to make strides with this program.  While this may be a cupcake schedule, many predecessors still would have had trouble to reach .500 from it.  Hosannas have been coming as a result.  Senior Linebacker Kamal Martin was named Big Ten Defensive Player Of The Week, and the team is ranked in the Associated Press Top 25 for the first time in five years.  Moreover, Minnesota is ranked 20th, its highest ranking in the AP since reaching #20 on November 1, 2008.  These are good things, and Fleck should be given credit for turning this around

The team easily will got 7-0 Saturday afternoon.  They travel to Rutgers, a team that fired its Head Coach, Chris Ash, two weeks ago.  They have a killer back end of the schedule, but so what?  Worry about that then.

#-1: Vikings (Last Week: -4).  The game plan, and the key to winning Sunday's tilt vs. Philadelphia, was simple: Since the Eagles are stout against the run but vulnerable to the pass, the Vikes had to air it out.  The problem was the club had, up to that point in the season, not been able to do anything close to passing with success.  They ran the ball, a lot and real well, but Kirk Cousins was showing major weakness holding up his end of the bargain.  So while Eagles Linebacker Zac Brown said that the Iggles' gameplan was to make Cousins beat him, it may have been construed as trash-talking, but he was also right, and stating the obvious.

Which makes the 18-Point beatdown the Purple gave the Eagles (in Philly's first visit to US Bank since winning Super Bowl LII) very surprising.  They had to abandon what they did well in order to win, and they adapted successfully.  Cousins threw the ball, often and deep -- and hit.  And moreover, Stefon Diggs was utilized a lot.  Offensive Coordinator (at least in name) Kevin Stefanski got Diggs involved early with a jet reverse, but then he was able to roast his single Cornerback defender and score Touchdowns of 62 and 51 Yards, on his way to a 173-Yard, 3 TD Game, by far his best this season.  And yesterday/Monday, Philadelphia cut Zac Brown.

So the Vikings are now 4-2 and chasing first-place Green Bay (who beat Detroit last/Monday night) in the division.  They are not out of the woods yet, but they surprised me in easily beating a team in what I thought was a scary matchup.  But now this is a scary matchup: They visit the Lions Sunday afternoon.  I listened to much of the Monday Night Game, and there appears to be consensus that Detroit was called for a pair of Hands To The Face Penalties that, to tweeters at least, was complete bullshit.  The Packers eked out a one-Point win with a Mason Crosby Field Goal at the gun.  That motivation, coupled with a underrated attacks on both sides of the ball, and the Vikings cannot go into Ford Field thinking they've got this in the bag.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Hmmm ...  I see a little shakiness coming out of the team's weekend series at Robert Morris.  Sure, they swept, keeping them perfect on the year.  But the Colonials took the Gophers, ranked second in the polls overall, to Overtime in the Friday Game before Taylor Wente ended the upset bid on the Power Play 77 Seconds into Overtime.  I'm not sure if one of The Bluebloods Of Women's College Hockey should be taken to OT by some rando program out east.  The U. re-established dominance Saturday, tripling up RM, 6-2.  But still.

This week they come home to play a pair vs. St. Cloud St.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -2).  Beat the Illini in four Wednesday, but got swept in Wisconsin Sunday afternoon, ending their winning streak at ten Games.  Not championship-caliber now, huh?  Host the Illinois schools over the weekend; the Goofs play at home against Illinois just ten Days after beating them on the road.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -7).  I was ready to shove the Mild down to the bottom of this list for a long, long time.  They got their doors blown off in Winnipeg Thursday, and for Saturday's home opener, they decided defense was a rumor and got their asses kicked, 7-4.  So even though it's owned by what a journalist from sports website The Ringer The Worst Sports Franchise Owner In North America, I was sure the Wild were going to go to 0-5 after playing the Ottawa Senators yesterday/Monday afternoon (and it was played yesterday/Monday afternoon because, and I didn't know about it until I woke up yesterday/Monday morning, that there were holidays on both sides of the border: Indigenous People's/Columbus Day here, Canadian Thanksgiving there).

But they didn't.  Viktor Rask stole the puck in the offensive zone and wristed what amounted to the Game-winner past Sens Goalie Craig Anderson halfway through the Third Period, and Zach Parise iced the team's first win of the season in The Most Contested Empty Net Goal You'll Ever See.  But while it was good that these guys aren't as shitty as the Senators at least, they were still plenty bad.  I watched the Game at the gym, and that squad looked out of sorts and at times uninterested.

In other words, shit could still go sideways as they continue to trek through Canada ... and it did tonight, just now, in Toronto, as the Mild resumed their losing ways, 4-2 versus the Maple Leafs.  (Man, I don't remember the last time I had a Day-Of Bleed-Over.  It's just that after dinner I rested my eyes, and boom! I have 3 1/2 Hours now to complete this and I have a Tuesday Night result I need to factor in.)  Funny enough (well, maybe not, since they did beat The Worst Team In The NHL), Devyn Dubnyk was in the pipes for this loss and the four losses that began the team's year.  Am I saying that Dubs's career is over?  I'm not not saying it, OK?

Will the team's woes continue with a home-and-home filling out the rest of the screening week (tying up the season series already, just three Weeks into the regular season) with the Montreal Canadiens?

#-5: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -6).  I'm always sort-of shocked that women's soccer, the sport that begins the fall season (and the season season) of college sports, hurtles to a fast close in October.  Anyway, the side played only one Match this screening week, and they dropped that, 1-0, Friday in Wisconsin.  At 1-5-1 in-conference, the U. is tied with Michigan St. for dead last in the B1G, 1 1/2-Games behind Nebraska for the eighth and final spot in the Big Ten Conference Tournament.  They have four Matches in which to pull off a miracle similar to last year, where they finished seventh, ran the table to win the conference title and an automatic birth to the NCAA Tournament, and actually won their First Round Match -- and in a pure road contest too.

They finish the home portion of their schedule this screening week -- Thursday against said Nebraska, Sunday afternoon against Iowa.

Father Walked In On Me This Morning

I was up, just not opening my eyes.  I was just ... listening, you know?  I heard Father fussing outside and shit, but I swear that I never thought he would open the door so long as I was in there.

But he did.  As soon as I heard the squeak of my bedroom door, I had to open my eyes.  Thank Buddha my body was positioned where, if I opened up my eyes, I wouldn't have to move to look at him.  And he charged in, broom and pan in hand, as he furtively swept up for, like, ten seconds in the area in front of the door.  He was sweeping as if company was coming over, even though it was just past nine in the morning.

"You not awake yet?" Father said.  "Not yet," I replied, with a tone suggesting that I should get a lock.

I have not changed the knob to one with a lock.  For one thing, I don't know how to do it.  But for another, there is a sense of trust that I want to extend to my parents.  I know I'm living with them, I'm saying.  But I have a right to some privacy.  So no, I will not put a lock on the door.  But if I'm in here, I should have the right not for anyone to just barge in.  Frankly, they've been really good when it comes to that.  When they go through the mail and find something that's sent to me, they slip it through the door.  And when they ask if I want a snack, they ask through the door.

So this morning was the first time this child's worst fears of being walked in on has fully materialized.  I can let this pass.  I just hope this is not the start of a trend.

Holy Shit, I Can't Get Her Off My Mind

I think I'm in love.

Saw a new girl at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition) last night, and she was beautiful.  She is short, petite, has a black bob for a haircut, and a juicy ass.  But she ain't just any stripper.  In the short time I interacted with her, she seems to be a very smart, artsy woman.  She has the tattoo of, get this, the Walker Art Center on her back.  And -- and I think this tells a lot, but YMMV -- she came in dressed, in civilian clothes of course, not like a stripper.  She's one of those, uh, deceptive-looking women, a woman who, if you were just out walking and saw her, you would never suspect she's a stripper.  I love that type of woman.  I get off on that type of woman.

She's so beautiful, I would break a cardinal rule I have at stripclubs for her -- namely, that I would get a lapdance from her the first time I saw her.  In fact, she approached me shortly after her stage set to hustle me for one.  And I would have gotten one from her ... if I had not already broken my cardinal rule and already promised another woman (almost as hot) I'd get a lapper from her.  Yeah, I was so perverted that I just wanted an LD.  Blame it on the Vikings; they won and I got euphoric.

But dammit, she's so good-looking that I'm just about thinking about going to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) a lot more frequently just to see her.  And her stage name got me to scroll back through my messages to see if one of my stripper girlfriends had invited her to do a house party ... and, if the name I saw is in fact her and not someone else, she knows one of my girlfriends, and out of all my stripper girlfriends, she would be the one who most likely would have this new girl as a friend.  So, if she does do house parties, maybe the fantasy I just conjured up last night could come true: We're all alone in the public lapdance area in some rando's house, she gropes me, I say, "Oh, you're bold!" to which I whip it out, and then she says, "Oh, you're bold, too!" and I go, "Yeah, but how bold are you really?" and she starts sucking my dick.

Hey, a boy can dream, can't he?

One Thing About The New Starter:

I hear a little sound, a little "click," and feel a little kick, as the car boots up for the first time.  Obviously with the original starter there was no sound.  But now there is sound as well as movement.  I no longer fully trust my car now that it's on its second starter, and way before it was time to.  But these sounds and feelings that I'm not used to put me on edge, as if I'll be back at work, stuck because my car won't work.

I mean, it still does, but it feels as though I'm on borrowed time, if that means anything.

The Aftereffects Of Pop And Coffee

I am up before going to work this morning.  Problem is, I have been up since 3:30.  When I woke up then, not only was I up, I was completely alert.  Strange since I went to bed around 2.

My God, is this what happens when you drink coffee around 11 p.m.?  That's what I did when I went down to Glam Doll to try and write some stuff.  I have boasted in the past that I can sleep like a baby even after drinking coffee at night.  Well, shit, that didn't happen tonight.  Far from it.

This reminds me of the night before.  After eating some nice taco dip at the party where *****y finally gave me a handjob after all these years, I was thirsty.  I needed to go to Target for some creamer at work, so I decided to get a pop.  Well, Target doesn't sell pop by the can anymore, so a bottle it was.  I love pop, still do, and yet I had to struggle to drink it all before going to bed that night.  And not only did I have my thirst quenched after, like, the third sip, I could feel the pounds being packed in my gut the more I crammed down the Orange Vanilla Coke.  And this was just before bedtime, too.  Shit, man, I felt so goddamn fat yesterday morning.

And now I feel alert as fuck now.  That would be good if I had a full night's sleep.  But this alertness probably is due only to having caffeine so close to my bedtime.  Which means this buzz is going to go away, and I am going to crash, horribly, at work.  And I will have no good time to recuperate; after I go home, I have to go back out to downtown because my alma mater's game is on tonight.  And then I have to work the Vikings tomorrow.  My day is already off to a lousy start because my fucking day started at 3:30 in the goddamn morning.

These two drinks have scared me into believing that my body just cannot deal with the aftereffects of pop and coffee like I could have before.  And that both scares and saddens me.

And, Finally, She Gave Me A Handjob

I wasn't holding out hope, but having *****y do me a handy was always something I've wanted from her.  She is, truly, one of the most gorgeous strippers at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division), and she's been able to maintain her hot figure for years now, with the help of one tit job.

But the prospect of getting any sexual activity from her was just about closed, at least in my mind.  I was naked with her once, at her apartment, in the VIP for a stripper party, and she made it a point not to touch my pee-pee.  I also flashed myself through my porno pants with her and another stripper dancing on me at the same time several months ago; she told me to button up, probably because the rules at this house party did not allow such hanky-panky.

I was at a new place last night, so I didn't know what the rules are.  Nevertheless, I followed my own rule and got a private from the girl who invited me, *****y.  So we went into a bedroom and, as per my modus operandi, whipped it out through my pants once we closed the door behind me.  It was totally dark.  She took off her bra while I pulled down her panties.  She lit up her phone so she could play songs she could dance to, and that light cast light on my cock.  She tried unbuttoning my pants.  She said it was obvious I wasn't wearing underwear.

Once I got on the bed, she got on top of me.  At first she didn't avoid my penis, but touched it through ancillary body parts -- the thigh, the ass, stuff like that.  But then, after a little bit of talking about her customer who is lost and the Trump Nazi rally downtown, she knelt beside me and grabbed a fistful of my dick.  And she started wanking me!  "You're giving me a handjob!" I whispered to her.

Sadly, I didn't shoot streams of semen, like I should have.  A stunning, surprising moment, where a beautiful girl I wanted to touch me for years finally did, should have been an obvious reason to "celebrate."  But ... well, things aren't working ideally.  I am 43, and I did jerk off on Tuesday, and maybe my body wasn't ready for such a great thing to happen.  If the latter is the sole reason, well, my body and mind will be better prepared the next time I take *****y private.

Sometimes, as we get dressed after we're done (I paid her $140, and that's alright, even if nothing happened), I ask the stripper to wank me off -- "one more for the road," so to speak.  And *****y did jack me off.  That gets me so hard right now.  I can live off of that memory for a long, long time.

P.S. You know what?  I'm glad I didn't cum because *****y said she didn't have anything to wipe up with.  The only thing she had was my shirt.  Uh, nope.  And maybe she'll be better prepared next time, too!

Oh! The One Great Thing About My Trip To Denver!

I remember my last trip to Denver that I needed to use my map apps to get around or else I would get totally lost.  But I had sapped up my 3G data to the point where I needed to stop or else I would go over.  This trip came on the very end of my monthly cycle, and I had used my data at work from time to time, so I had less than the 2 Gigs I usually get, and I knew with all the places I wanted to go, I would have to plan really meticulously at my hotel room and write down directions that I would need to follow ... by looking down while driving.  Nah, I wouldn't be that meticulous; I would give up, use all my data and just go freakin' over.

But then I thought something that might be obvious to some.  My parents have a Garmin.  In fact, come to think of it, I bought Mother a Garmin (they have an older and a newer one) as a Christmas gift.  They're not going anywhere.  Can I use it?  And so, even though I don't usually want to ask my parents for anything lest they think that's an opening to ask me, like, am I going back to school, I asked Father if I could borrow it.  And he said yes.

And what a godsend it was.  With one very minor blip whereby me getting onto the highway confused the Garmin into thinking I was on a side street next to my first hotel, it worked great, despite not having its maps updated in a long time.  I just plugged it in and let it do its thing: I entered an address and it gave me the fastest way to get there.  And it had posted speed limits and estimated times of arrival, too.  Oh, and it also once gave me an alternate route once it discovered, through its communication with the satellites above, that there was construction on what would have been the fastest route.

That freed me to use Google Maps to walk around downtown Denver to get to the city's attractions.  (Aside: It has a new VR feature whereby you can use your phone's camera to help guide you if you are the type to find your way using buildings instead of street names -- cool!)  So by the time I got to the morning of the 7th, which was the end of my cycle, I was at 1.6 G.  Didn't go over at all.

The only thing I had to fear was catching crap from my folks (basically My Father) over using it.  But when I returned it, the only thing he said was ask me if it worked.  Oh yeah, Father, it did.  Thank you!

I should ask for the Garmin every time I take a domestic trip from now on.  All I should remember is not to input an address for a strip club and I'll be fine!