#-1: United FC (Last Week: -3). It is kind of sad, although kind of apt for Twin Cities sports, that a team that lost and tied its screening week tops the survey. Honestly there haven't been too many weeks where a moribund record like the Loons' is good enough for the top spot. But there are bright spots, or at least non-abyss black spots, that make this side the week's clear winner. First off, they haven't lost 17 postseason Games in a row. Second, they did manage not to lose to Real Salt Lake at The Nest on Sunday. And third, even though they're sliding down the Western Conference standings when at one brief point they led it, they still technically hold down a playoff spot and sit only five Points short of the top spot (although they are only three Points clear of ninth place).
But MLS the previous week laid out the final phase of the revamped 2020 regular season, and it'll be a gauntlet of Matches the next five-plus Weeks to survive. This week feels like a dangerous one, as they will face second-year club FC Cincinnati at home Saturday night, then visit expansion team Nashville SC Tuesday. Don't overlook them, MNUFC -- arguably both squads are playing better than the Loons right now.
#-2: Vikings (Last Week: -4). Yeah, a team that coughed up a 12-Point lead in the Third Quarter sit second in the WMNSS. I watched the Game and, even though this is damning with faint praise, this is the best they've played so far this season. The Bastard Houston Oilers may be a paper tiger. But the ViQueens showed very little competence in the first two Games, and so what I saw (from suite level, just to the left of Midfield) felt like a massive step forward. Now, the Defense looks awfully raw, especially in the back-to-back drives where Tennessee was able to throw over the middle at will and Derrick Henry was regularly deployed and punched in both scores to take back the lead. And while the Offense finally started to go -- Dalvin Cook ran for a career high and Justin Jefferson broke out (this is the first NFL Game in history where a team had a player running for 175+ Yards and another catching for 175+ yards -- too bad it was in a loss) -- the team couldn't answer as the Titans mounted their comeback. And oh, that drive to win the Game late was a clownshow. The trenches remain a big weakness for this team.
And yet that might not be the organization's worst problem right now. It was revealed today that several players and staff members of The Bastard Oilers tested positive for COVID-19. So now the Vikings have had to shut down operations at Twin Cities Orthopedics (TCO) while the whole business awaits coronavirus test results. And still, as far as I know, Sunday's Game in Houston is on. Those correct-minded people who didn't think the NFL season would go without a 'Rona-related hitch was afraid shit like this would happen. And it has. How in the hell are the Vikings going to prepare if they can't even train? Well, they're 0-3 -- what difference does it make now?
#-3: Twins (Last Week: -1). I ... I can't ... I fucking can't with this team anymore. I just -- can't. I should talk about the team coming back from losing three-of-four to the White Sox heading into the last week of the regular season and how they were able to win the American League Central Division anyway (although, to be completely honest, the Pale Hose collapsed in the last week and the Twinks didn't win it so much as backed into the division). But Tuesday's shitshow (and I'm not talking about the debate, which I wisely chose not to watch) was ... fuck it.
This goddamn franchise, the one I should be referring to as The Bastard Washington Senators v.1.0., once again became scared little chickenshits come playoff time and have now set the North American record for most consecutive losses in the postseason, breaking a tie with the Chicago Blackhawks. Seventeen fucking defeats. Seventeen. And for any Twinks fan who dared show loyalty to this fucking team, the way they lost yesterday was frighteningly reminiscent of other down-leg pissings in this goddamn streak; the only change is that the goddamn Yankees weren't the agent of oppression this time:
- The bases loaded jam in the First in which they failed to score a run;
- All the other opportunities this supposed "Bomba Squad" shit their pants and didn't score (I didn't see nor hear this Game after it started during my afternoon break, and thank Buddha);
- Tyler Duffey finally surrendering a Run and letting fucking Houston tie the Game;
- And then ... the fucking top of the Ninth. With two out, Jorge Polanco wildly throws past Second Base in what would have gotten the Twinks out of the inning. Instead, the bases were loaded, where ...
- ... fucking Sergio Romo, fucking hothead who gets the team into trouble, walks fucking cheater Jose Altuve with the winning Run ...
- ... and then Caleb Thielbar lets the Game get put away with a two-Run single to Center.
- Oh, and the self-inflicted dagger: With two on in the Bottom of the Ninth, Pinch-Hitter Willians Astudillo grounds into a Game-ending Double Play.
We Twinks fans knows how this ends. Usually after a playoff Game where they had their chances but didn't have the sack to take advantage of them, the following Game they completely collapse. Jose Berrios is not the ace this squad needs him to be. He is imminently capable of giving up, like, four Runs over the first two Innings and eight over three and be pulled as Baldelli has to revert to a bullpen that has no good Pitches left, and so they'll give up another eight. Today's final Game of the year will be an ugly one, and that will be emblematic of a franchise that has demonstrated so much postseason emasculation that fans would prefer to root for the Pirates, because that team will never raise your hopes just to dash them in such brutal, humiliating fashion.
Fuck The Bastard Washington Senators v.1.0.
#-4Infinity: Lynx (Last Week: -2). Got swept by the Seattle Storm in the WNBA Semifinals, and the three Games were decided by increasing margins. Turns out losing Game 1 on a putback with no time remaining really was a series-killer. Also, not having Sylvia Fowles sucked, too.
Yeah, it's never good when a team finishes the season short of winning the title. But considering where this franchise was and is, the future does look bright. Napheesa Collier has backed up her Rookie Of The Year play and become the talisman of this squad. Crystal Dangerfield, named this year's Rookie Of The Year, has shown she can play the Point and be a steady, even devious wing. Witness her cold-blooded daggers outlasting Phoenix in the Second Round. Damiris Dantas has shown herself capable of being a sturdy Big who can rebound and score when necessary. And I'm fully confident that Cheryl Reeve will know what to do with the, well, Ninth Pick in the WNBA Draft and either select another good player or trade it for a sterling ballhandler or a rim-defending post. Maybe Fowles will never suit up in a Lynx uniform ever again. Maybe Maya Moore never returns to the Lynx, or even in the league; she could either retire or order Reeve to trade her to a team closer to her new home with her new husband. And if they finally put the dynasty in the rearview mirror, that's OK, because there is new, young talent Lynx fans should believe could bring home another championship.
At least the Lynx fucking won a playoff Game this year. Shit.
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