"I Was Under The Impression You Speak English"

Oh, you stupid, stupid man whom I regret calling a friend.  You rude, East Coast, smelly fucking bum.  I have tried seeing the good side of you, and frankly, I really didn't want to get on your bad side.  Whenever you insulted one of our co-workers I looked the other way, rationalizing it by thanking God he didn't yell at me.  I tried bonding with you through baseball, even though we haven't done that since the Metrodome was torn down.  Frankly, after your fucking insult to me, I don't know if I want to see a baseball game with you.  Or anything with you.

One fucking snide comment because you hate birthdays.  I don't have goddamn time in my life to keep track of the butthurt peccadilloes of acquaintances who can't see that what they don't like is shared by few, if any, of the people he claims he knows.  Jesus fucking Christ, get over yourself.

Would I be the butthurt one if I passive-aggressively delete my comment to him, or hide his comment to me, or mute him for a month, or post a status update that I'm above and over his bullshit, or defriend his fucking ass?  Oh, God, I know that normal people would turn the other cheek when it comes to comments like that, but fuckin' A, I'm not normal people.  I'm me.  I've got principles.  I've got self-respect.  And I know that people don't care about my butthurt peccadilloes, so I don't go out of my way to insult people I consider friends.  Unlike you and the oblivious, pathetic, fake world where you've anointed yourself king.  Goddamn -- right now, I wish I never met you.