So I'm Getting A Colonoscopy This Week ...

... and I have been alternately frightened and bemused.  I have heard about the clear liquid diet, the preparation for that, about downing diuretics and Gatorade and lots and lots and lots of water, then evacuating your colon to the point where your fecal matter is urine.  When my sister was here we had dinner with my brother.  He talked about the colonoscopy he went through, and he called it "pissing out of his ass," and I think I lost my appetite then and there.

Then again (and sorry to be graphic here), Saturday night, returning from the MNUFC Match, I stepped into Kwik Trip because I wanted something to consume, and I tried their smoothie machine for the first time, and by God, for the next three hours I was running into the toilet to take a crap.  I have had diarrhea attacks before, and I want to think that I will go through something similar later this week when I get on this regimen.  I've been on the toilet for 45 minutes at a time.  I've felt as though I am excreting my organs.  My anus has been on fire before.  It's not great, but it's not an unfamiliar feeling.  So how different can this be?  Right?

What scares me a little more is the food restrictions that I will be, and am now, under.  I start the low-fiber diet soon, and I'm scared I'll accidentally eat something I'm not supposed to eat.  Worse than that, I will be working two days before I have to start the clear liquid diet and I can see myself not thinking and eating something I'm not supposed to eat.

Moreover, I don't know what other people (including Mother, who is also getting her colonoscopy this week, what a coinky-dink) are told to do, but I was told that starting last Friday, I am not to eat anything with corn, popcorn, nuts or seeds.  My clinic says that these things can stay in my system for a long time, and they can interfere with the probe.  I don't think Mother and her clinic has that prohibition.  At any rate, I can totally brainlessly consume stuff with those things.  For example, all this weekend I've been watching soccer Matches (the leagues are winding up this weekend), and I planned on drinking myself silly on Bloody Marys.  But I think the mix includes celery seed.  That counts as a, you know, "seed," right?  In the long run it's no big deal -- I drank ciders instead -- but I like my Bloody Marys.  Also, I want to finally see Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 on Tuesday, and I always get popcorn.  But not this Tuesday.  And T-Mobile is giving me a free large popcorn too, but that expires ... on Tuesday.

(Aside: The low-fiber diet is weird in the sense that what I can eat is oftentimes bad for your health and what you can't eat is oftentimes good.  I was given a list and I can't help but see what is permitted and forbidden.  I'm not supposed to have any whole wheat, nuts, oatmeal, prunes, or granola.  There are some foods that I can eat that are good for you -- I think I'm going to lean heavily on bananas this week -- but most meats are permissible, as are milk (some people think it's too fattening, so I'm going to include it in the "bad food" column) butter and carbonated drinks, so I assume that means pop.  [I may not be able to eat popcorn, but I sure as hell will drink pop when I see the movie on Tuesday.]  Isn't it strange that to pull off this colonoscopy, I need to lean on stuff that's bad for me?)

Again, it's not a big deal (even though I hate passing up on free food), but the timing kind of sucks.  Then again, if I don't do it this week, the earliest possible date is the week of Independence Day, and I get the feeling my parents don't want to be in Minnesota that long.  So, I take the plunge this week.

I was told by my physician that if I get a clean bill of health, I won't have to do another colonoscopy for ten years.  There is the other method, the one pushed by ColorGuard, the one where you just shit in a box and send it in for testing.  I was told by my doctor that if you come up negative that way, you don't have to do anything like this for three years.  Honestly, I'd rather do the old-fashioned colonoscopy because it seems more thorough (I'll be knocked out, and if the doctor sees polyps he can just cut them out during the probe).  I also don't like pooping into a box.  Not to say the preparation isn't classy, but shitting into a box seems to be really, really barbaric.  I spoke about colonoscopies with my cousin (when my sister was here, we had dinner at his place), and he totally preferred pooping in a box.

Oh yeah, I also don't like shitting in a box because this Saturday Night Live skit scares the fuck outta me: