OK, so there's this ex-co-worker of mine at my old job. It wasn't as if we hated each other, but we were never close, and there were more than a few occasions where we would be snippy with each other. I would introduce her as an ex-co-worker, nothing more.

We're both on facebook, but we're not facebook friends. Our mutual facebook friend -- all three of us worked at the same place -- was lamenting all the people who were laid off at Target headquarters, his former day job.  She posted something like, Well, the number of people laid off could have been higher.  Now, I doubt she's even thought of me once after we worked together for the last time.  Maybe I should've let a comment that struck me as short-sighted and, yes, stupid slide by.  But being unemployed I think I just felt I had to stand up to such thoughtless words, so I posted back that it doesn't really matter how many total jobs were lost if you were one of those people who lost a job.  So she snaps back, "Well, if I have to spell it out for you," even though her post is riven with missspellings.  So I just had to point out that, it's kind of hard to take her seriously when she says she thinks I need things spelled out after reading her previous post.

I know it's petty, but sometimes I just love a pissing match.  And I haven't heard back from her yet!

I went into my sister's room to prepare for my late-night browsing with a little work when I saw a chair where the stability ball I use to sit on when I'm working was. It faced exactly where I put my laptop.

I think they know.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). This Noora Räty is one tough chick. The Goalie follows up last week's WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week award with this week's WCHA Rookie Of The Week Award for stopping 32 shots in the team's 4-0 defeat at St. Cloud St. Friday afternoon. Backup (I don't know if she is, but the way Räty's playing she should be) G Alyssa Grogan stoned all 21 Huskies shots in the Gophers' 7-0 rout Saturday afternoon at Ridder. Being a perfect 8-0 is great, but like the Lakers, Celtics and Magic in the NBA, this looks like a team who knows that they're going to the NCAA Tournament and that nothing matters until they start playing then. A 11-0 shutout sweep (and a three-game shutout streak where they've scored 14 goals) looks even better when compared to their Y-chromosome counterparts. (They're mirror images of each other, almost literally; see below -- way below.) Anyway, the Gophs, ranked second in the USA Today/USA Hockey women's poll, faces quite possibly its stiffest test yet this weekend: A pair against ninth-ranked Wisconsin at Madison.

#-2: Timberwolves (Re-Entry!). I'm still coming to terms with what I see as sort of a conundrum: This team absolutely blows, yet the new front office blood seems to know this and is willing to finally scorch the earth and take their lumps in order to get better in the long run. I think there are only five players left from last year's team. Shit, there were five players who were here and then traded away in the offseason. There will be plenty of times when the Woofie Dogs are at the bottom of the WMNSS ... but luckily for them, not this time. Trailing by 14 points to the New Jersey Nes to start the fourth quarter, these guys actually showed some balls and came back to win on a Damien Wilkins (who?! Really, who?!) putback at the horn opening (Wednesday) night. Enjoy the win and undefeated record, fellas -- you won't be celebrating much of either pretty soon.

(ETA the buzzer-beater shot. Buzzer-beater shots should always be embedded here.)



#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -2). Two wins this past weekend, but I was at the victory against Michigan St. at the Pavilion Friday night, and believe me, most of the match I was saying to myself that this is not how a team ranked in the Top 10 plays. There is a transfer from USC, a senior named Taylor Carico, who was supposed to be the major sparkplug in getting this team to the Final Four. Well, she was pulled for the last two sets of the match -- and the Gophers won both. She isn't the ball-handler she was made out to be, at least not yet. (She did come back the next night and play all four sets of their win against Michigan, a game that served as both the team's annual pirating of Williams Arena and a "Dig Pink" breast cancer charity event.) Also, I'm surprised that Tabitha Love was named both Big 10 Freshman and Co-Player Of The Week, 'cause she played shittily at times against the Spartans. One time she was set the ball for the kill shot and she passed it up for a midair bump. For someone who stands 6' 6", that should be unacceptable, although I believe it was Carico set up that ball. Finally, Jessica Granquist's defense was, in my opinion, poor. Nevertheless the Gophs rose to #7 in this week's AVCA poll. They will fall from that ranking, however, because they travel to Penn St. and face the top-ranked team in the country Friday night. (They also play at Ohio St. Halloween.)

(By the way, I have to add this: There was a new PA announcer Friday night. I don't know if this guy's a fill-in or if he permanently replaces the old, longtime announcer [who, even though I've never met him, seemed like sort of a dick], but this guy, uh, sucked. He got so many of the calls wrong, didn't announce substitutions because he didn't know the names, and used that stupid pun, "killed by [Tabitha] Love!" every single fucking time Love spiked the ball. I hope that was his first time, because he has to improve from that godawful performance. Please!)

#-4: Gopher women's soccer (Last Week: -5). They rise in this poll, yet they are winless for the second weekend in a row. The Gophs held a 1-0 lead in both games they played this weekend only to sqander it both times; they gave up a second-half penalty kick to settle for a 1-all tie at Michigan Friday night, then allowed two second-half goals in a span of 90 seconds in a loss to Michigan St. Sunday afternoon. Things seemed to be looking up not too long ago, but now they're 10-5-3, which seems to be a record for a bubble team trying to make the NCAA Tournament. Fortunately, their two remaining games before the conference tournament are at home, and their Friday night tilts. This week: Northwestern.

#-5: Vikings (Last Week: Positive Numbers). I'm none too happy the Vikes' potentail for a perfect season ended in their loss to the Steelers. That strip of Favre seems to be typical for someone who slings the ball deep and often, and Chester Taylor really needed to get his hands on that deflection. But this is the Steelers' D, and Favre and Co. did manage to march down the field before they marched all the way back on those two turnovers for touchdowns that sealed the loss. Also, I figured out after I calmed down that many times in the NFL it's the middle-seeded teams that wind up winning the Super Bowl. This loss will be a good way to figure out what they did wrong (little, especially on that bullshit tripping call that negated a touchdown that might've won the team the game), and this should be an opportunity to focus and prepare even more diligently so that won't happen again. This Sunday, but of course: The Most Anticipated Game Of The Year, as #4 goes back to Lambeau Field and plays against the Green Bay Packers, the team that still largely is made in his own image. This should be a fun, and close, game.

In the meantime, relive Adrian Peterson "trucking" William Gay during the Vikings' final drive. I've never heard the verb "trucked" before till this happened, but it seems appropriate. And badass -- which All Day deniably is:



#-6: Wild (Last Week: -3). Well, the expectation that they'd win all their home games but lose all their road games came to a crashing end with tonight's (Wednesday night's) 4-3 loss to Nashville. And the difference in the game was a shorty?! Say it ain't so!! That caps off a terrible 1-3 week, where they won their third game of the season in extra time -- and won their third game of the season, period -- and held a closed-door, players-only meeting after losing 3-1 at Chicago Monday. The topic, apparently, was offense, and they did score more goals against the Predators. That's good, huh? This is rapidly becoming a lost season.

Meanwhile, you wanna know how the Last Original Wild, Marian Gaborik, is doing with the New York Rangers? He started off the season like a bat out of hell, and he leads the Broadway Blueshirts in points and goals. He's also injured, again, which means he likely will miss his return to Xcel to face the Only Team He Ever Knew Till This Year on Friday. Pussy. Hey, the fact that he's back on familiar ground on the shelf (even though it's believed it ain't his oft-gimpy groin this time) should make us fans feel better about not signing him. But his 18 points and 10 goals would lead the North Sta ... er, Wild. (ETA a clarification: Even though the Wild did win a game and neither the Vikings or the Gopher soccer team didn't, they are ranked lower than both teams because of their winless record on the road, their relative offensive ineptitude, and the fact that the franchise's best player ever has gotten off to a fantastic start for his new team.) By the way, the two games the team plays this week are back-to-back; after the Rangers they have to fly to Pittsburgh to face sick Sidney Crosby at the Penguins on Saturday. Totally not fair.

#-7: Gopher football (Last Week: -4). Not only was this team completely uncompetitive in their 38-7 loss at Ohio St. on Saturday, they'll be without WR Eric Decker, the best player on the team, for the rest of the year. He apparently was badass, although his production didn't match what he did in the spread offense last year. And that seems to be the basis of the Star Tribune's Jim Souhan's belief that Coach Tim Brewster could be fired this year, if not next. Decker, QB Adam Weber, et al., was very exciting last year, but all of their production has fallen because Brewster made them go into a pro-style offense this year. That is the fault of the coaching, Souhan says. Maybe so, but I'd give Brewster at least a couple years to see how this new QB, MarQueis Gray, can do. They host Michigan St. Halloween night. If you're going to the game, watch out for trick-or-treaters.

#-8: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -6). OK, this is just fucked-up now, and it's not funny anymore. Not only did they get swept by Denver, they got swept by Denver at home. And not only did they get swept by Denver at home, they got swept by identical 3-0 scores. Yes, they didn't score one single fucking goddamn goal either game against the Pioneers while playing in front of their own fans in Mariucci. Denver's the better team, but you can't push the puck past the goalie even once? Not even once?! Adding this to the complete flop of last season, I do not think it's premature to state this program may be in trouble. I'm serious as a fuckin' heart attack. They host two against WCHA dregs Alaska-Anchorage. They'll win those -- right? Right??

Oh, Father, you're such a fucking douche.

First you tell me I have to turn off the garage door ... that switch doesn't turn off the fucking door, dumbass, it turns off the garage opener light.

And then you get all mad at me for calling the IRS because, as you said, like it's one of your fucking goddamn rules, a business should never talk to the IRS. What did you expect? You ask me some weird fucking question about who the tax form things are being sent to, your name or the LLC's, like it fucking matters (and I say that I know what you're talking about, even though I don't, because I don't want to get into a goddamn fight with you over this bullshit). The Secretary of State and the Department of Taxation both told me to call the IRS, so I call the IRS! What do you expect?!?!?! You ask me to do something, I do it, and you get mad?!?!?! You are so full of shit I'm shocked it's not coming out of your ears! Really, like they give a shit about your fucking businesses, you paranoid fuckhead.

And goddamn you for giving me that disgusted look again after I follow your orders not to call the IRS again. How I want to smack the shit out of you when look at me like that. GODDAMN YOU!!!

And then when I tell you I'm leaving to drink coffee, you tell me, "Well, go then!" Seriously, are you not able to talk and act like a grown-up and not a whiny little bitch? I'm stopped demaning that you be a father; I know you can't do that. Talk like an ordinary man, please? Pretty please? Fuck it, you probably won't do that, either. Just don't ever fuckin' ask me why you won't talk nicely to me. It's fucking because I learned it when talking to you, Pop.

I wonder what would happen if I said I wanted to beat the shit out of My Fucking Father. Will anyone read my blog then?

Bus Tales

When I was taking the bus back from downtown after getting a handjob (more on that later), I was sitting behind this woman whose chair next to her was open. This being a very progressive city, many people use mass transit, and usually this route at this time of day is crowded as it leaves north, so empty seats are taken quickly. So this guy -- disheveled, but not any more so than anybody else who takes the bus, and that includes me -- asks the woman, like a gentleman, "Do you mind if I take this seat?"

And this cunt goes, "Yes, actually I do mind!"

And this man, who had every right to punch this bitch in the face, had this bewildered look as he walked down the bus. This reminded me of the time I sat down on the bus and this fucking woman looked at me, sneered in disgust and got up to find another seat away from me. My God, was I that repulsive, bitch? Compared with every other guy you usually see on the bus, I'm a catch!

Anyway, this woman did not raise a stink when a lady speaking in a foreign tongue took that seat without asking. Later, this bitch spoke to no one in particular when she laughed out loud at a blocked street as we left downtown. And when I finally got to look at her profile as she was walking across the street after leaving the bus, I believe she's just a tad fucking batshit crazy.

God, assholes like her really piss me off. This is why I hate using the bus, shit like that. I would never do that to anyone. Unless. ...

The last time I used the bus I got on it several stops before this guy, presumably and old immigrant, got on the bus and sat near the front. This prick let go a hellacious sneeze without covering his mouth. Swine flu was the fear because school just began, so I immediately froze up and held my breath, gasping shallow breaths to keep myself from passing out.

All of us sudden, for no reason, despite having his seat up front as well as several seats next to him empty because people began leaving as we left the city limits, this contagious asshole decided to sit next to me. I wasn't having any of it; he didn't make a big stink about it, but no, he didn't cover up his mouth when he sneezed, so fuck him.

While the bus was moving I abruptly stand up. My mistake was to point with my left finger to the seats behind us. I was going to move to a seat closer to the front just to get away from him. I just wanted him to move out of my way ... but for some goddamn reason he moved seats again, to the ones in the row behind us, like he was following my order to move there. No, you stupid fucker! You're acting just like my Grandmother when I tell her to do something but don't know how to say it in Chinese and so I have to mime it out and inevitably it comes out all fucking wrong! I grit my teeth as I continue on way to get away from The Toxic Stranger; he kind of looked at me with both innocence and obliviousness.

The things I do to get a handjob downtown.

This Is A Great Article About The Death Of GeoCities

I didn't know GeoCities still had 10 million users last month, according to the article. That seems like enough popularity to keep it going.

I was groping for some of the right words to describe GeoCities in my last post; "Dated" and "simple" are apt words for GeoCities in my last post. Another: "pioneering."

And I love the last paragraph, a Tweet:

"If you're making fun of GeoCities dying," he wrote, "you're too young to understand."

Damn right.

RIP, GeoCities

Today, October 26, 2009, marks the last day of Yahoo! GeoCities, the host, uh, thingie that was home to many an amateur and now-obsolete website. I've spent the the last two days, and in particular the last two hours and 45 minutes tonight, downloading every webpage, graphic and picture from my "Waste Of Space" site. On September 25, 1998 (it says so right on my File Manager page), I officially began my presence on the Internet by taking all the stuff I created way back in my junior year for a class I took and threw it onto what was supposed to be the Next Big Thing In Cyberspace. And it was huge and innovative ... for 1998.

Does anybody remember creating a webpage? They were then what facebook is now -- online outlets to express yourself, share your hobbies, post pictures about yourself, interact with friends, and maybe find someone new (hopefully one who wasn't a pedophile). I remember that GeoCities gave me an update (weekly? Monthly?) showcasing other webpages. I had my own URL. I even was given a number that was my address; I could click on a graphic "map" showing my webpage manifested as a house and see my "neighbors." I didn't have too many neighbors then. I lived in an exurb.

However, I have to admit I didn't take too much care of my webpage. The big project I had on my "Waste Of Space" was "The E-Mail Forward Archive." Remember when you checked your e-mail and your friends would send you these funny forwards that get passed around? Well, I thought it'd be just so kewl if I put them in HTML form and preserve them on my webpage. (Do college students get forwards anymore? Maybe it's a '90's thing.) I moved as many forwards as I could before I got into space issues with my Hotmail account. (Remember when you had space limitations in your inbox? I think all of them went to unlimited about five years ago, but limited mail space seems like a '90's thing too.) And I remember a few days when I would go to a lab at the U. (when I still had access because I was a student) and spending several hours "treating" them with HTML so they were webpage-ready. Even though I haven't looked at how many forwards I got around to putting up on my site (the others were in my account, I just didn't post them), I don't remember even doing those since, uh, at least 2001, possibly even 1998.

The only thing I did update on my website was this little quote I had on the bottom of my welcome/splash page. When I "designed" my "Waste Of Space" I wanted any viewers I had to be able to look forward to something new every day they went to it. I had a Franklin Quest where each page day had a little saying. I don't think I was breaking any copyrights, so I posted that day's quote and the author on my index page. I used to be religious about it, but after seeing the stats that no one was looking at my website (thereby putting a lie to the adage that everybody gets famous on the Internet -- wait, maybe it was just me who said that), I stopped caring so much. GeoCities says I last updated it on August 6. I'll update it now to see if I can do it.

I did it! Surprised, because by all accounts they were determined to shut it down today. I couldn't take the chance they'd do it as soon as possible, so that's why, after taking a pork- and champagne-induced nap over Sunday Night Football (how the hell did the Giants lose to the Cardinals?) I feverishly finished taking all my stuff onto my desktop for later transfer somewhere else. Honestly, if they did shut and delete my site while I was in the middle of it, I wouldn't've sweated it too much. After all, the Entertainment Weekly that I laid on top of a wet ring made by my Grandmother's cup is still drying behind me, but I'm not as pissed off about it when I blogged about it last night. How mad could I be if I hadn't tended to any but one page of my small-to-medium-sized in over a decade, and the page I did tend to in over two months? This might be another in my very long list of Project I've Been Meaning To Do But Never Get Around To. Those dreams are why I have so many papers still in my room -- I'll get to reading them, all of them, Father, honest!!

But -- dammit, I hate that this is happening. I'm frustrated with all the time I spent with the downloading and uploading, and cutting and pasting. But this represents something deeper and metaphysical. Change is inevitable, and I doubt anyone has put up a website, something that doesn't necesssarily have anything to do with blogging or tweeting, just pages of stuff that they like and that's not necessarily updated with a comment about what they're thinking every half-hour, in at least half a decade. But GeoCities was one of the earliest networking ventures; its ideas paved the way for MySpace and then facebook, but those ideas of finding an online outlet for your creativity and using the 'Net to stay in touch with people you know are timeless ones, ideas I think we all share. Moreover, it represents, at least to me, one of the nascent WWW programs that I really wanted to use. I was just surfing the Web before GeoCities; with my "Waste Of Space" I planted a flag and said, Here's who am I am and what I like to do, hope you like me. GeoCities gave me enough confidence to eventually put up this blog.

And now it's gone. A part of my college days, my youth, when all was less bleak than it is now, is now gone, or will be as soon as Yahoo! makes good on its promise and deletes my site. I may have only cared about it once I was warned it was going to be taken away from me, and it really was embarrassing to have it up somewhere, juvenile musings, early-HTML code, gauche graphics and all. (Although I haven't been able to go to my website ever since I knew about GeoCities' planned end; whenever I go to it I get a page saying "Sorry, unused." See what I mean? It's like I didn't even exist.) But for 11 years, one month and one day, my "Waste Of Space" lived in some form, it was mine, and it was a link to my past. I now have to move on. Hopefully, if I get around to it, I'll be able to find something similar -- not a blogging site, but a hosting service, a place where I can create informational pages and stuff that can just stay about there without a lot of tinkering. But if I can't find that, I just might put it in blog form. Then it'll be around forever ... at least until Blogger shuts down.

I didn't think they would eat late, and I didn't think they'd spend all afternoon cleaning.  Once I got back home from the hardware store and saw them clean the living room, I hid in my room because I didn't want them yelling at me for not cleaning anywhere in the house.  What's the use of tidying up?  Are we moving?

But then came 6 o'clock; I had to get to my party by 7.  I should've said no, I won't eat at home, but I said.  And so I wait for My Father to cook the chicken.  My Mother asked me why I didn't tell them I needed to leave at 6:30.  I was going to say I didn't think we were going to eat so late, but she's right.

I could've made it on time, but then my parents wanted me to drink soup.  Soup right off of the stove.  Really hot soup I had to wait to drink.

I got the latest Entertainment Weekly today; it's the one with some of the cast of Glee on it. Just because, I check the covers to see if it's damaged. I'm not going to call EW or anything, but I really like it when my latest issue is, um, pure. This was, though I then tell myself the corners will get bent and the spine torn out of the staples because I'll just throw it on one of the piles of papers I have in my room and it'll just tear when I step over the pile.

I take some care, but not too much, when I read through it while I take a shit. My Grandmother makes a mess all over the bathroom -- water on the counter and toilet seat, dirt all over the floor, crap on the bathmat, etc. It still looks good when I put it on the bathmat and when I'm done defecating.

I put the magazine on the counter to wash my hands. When I look back, I see an arc of water under my mag. Shit! I didn't think to check if Grandmother made a mess of the counter before I put my mag on it. Goddammit, now the whole cover and the corners of the first several pages are ruined. I'm drying them out right now.

No, it doesn't really matter. No, I probably will forget tomorrow. Yes, I am a hypocrite for saying I didn't care if my magazine gets dirty until it actually got dirty. But shit, look at it! It's fuckin' ruined!!!

Last week I attended this party at a bar in town.  We're part of a large group.  I've seen this woman come to a few of our games.  Nothing's going on, but she's attractive.

It's loud at the bar.  She looks at me, smiles -- that doesn't happen to me, guys! -- and asks me something I couldn't quite hear.  What do I do?  I make myself look cool and say the Universally Ambiguous Answer, "Yeah, yeah."  She gives me a smile, I give her a smile back, and that's it.  I think I would've been able to extend our conversation if I actually knew what the hell she said.  But instead of being honest and asking her to repeat herself so I could hear, I played it off like I was a real man.  She went back to watching the game, as did I.  After that drive right into a brick wall, we didn't speak to each other the rest of the night.

It's not important at all that I get to know her any better; I just want to make sure we exchange pleasantries so she doesn't think I'm a dumbass.

Things Fall Apart

Right now I'm stressed over my car.  A couple times I've seen the oil level light light up for a second or two.  I saw this happen over the summer before I got my oil changed, and I attributed that then to not changing the oil after 5,500 miles.  The fact it's happening a mere 2,200 miles since the oil change makes me think it can't be the oil level.  Best case: It's the sensor.  Worst case: It's the oil pump.

Now -- right now -- I'm in my fantasy basketball draft.  I am the commissioner of this league, which means I can set its rules -- including what order the teams in the league draft in.  I set that this afternoon.  I get on the draft late (stupid Gopher volleyball game went five sets ... fucking Christ, you're the ninth-ranked team in the country and it takes you five goddamn sets to beat Michigan St.?!), and I notice that I'm drafting second.  I should be drafting, like, second to last.  Then I look at our league's webpage -- the draft order was changed from custom to random.  Like hell it was!  This is a commissioner's power, or at least I thought so, but some guy named "Peachey," who has the team called "Wahoo," changed it, according to the note.  I don't know who this person is.  He wasn't in the league when I sorted out the order, so he or she must've entered some time this afternoon.  I was asked by one of the regulars in this league to invite his boss, so it might be him, but on "Peachey's" personal page there's a picture of a girl.  Also, it just so happens that this "Wahoo" team got to draft first.

What.  The.  Fuck.

This "Peachey" person denies changing it.  And the other members of the league in the live draft aren't too bent out of shape.  I guess I'm pissed off because I feel like somebody's taking over my league without my permission, but no one else seems the least bit concerned.  I fired off a letter to Yahoo! but I don't hold out hope it's going to amount to anything, goddammit. ...

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Vikings (Last Week: 0). The team's 33-31 win over the Bastard Cleveland Browns was a lot closer than it seemed in the first half, but it was just as tight as I thought it would be going into the game. No, the Vikes' D collapse in the fourth quarter, where the Ravens were able to run and pass at will, is very disconcerting. But although three drives ended in field goals, Brett Farve and the passing O had almost as much room to roam on a suddenly medicore Baltimore passing D. And if you're going to be a championship team, you're going to need a lucky break to win a game, as Bastard Browns K Steven Hauschka hooked a sure game-winning FG wide left. Turns out Favre's early two touchdown strikes were the difference. They may face the next best team they've faced all season this Sunday afternoon: Pittsburgh on the road. Win this and they're 7-0 for the first time in nine years.

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). Went to the Gophers game against then-sixth ranked UMD on Friday. I was afraid they were going to fold against the Bulldogs like they did the game I went to last year. But their defense was very solid in their 3-1 win, and the followed that with a 3-0 shutout on Saturday with the help of two short-handed goals. And trust me, the Goalie, Noora Räty, is really good. Reflexes are quick, and the goal that got past her was in a lot of traffic. She's WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week. And the team is still ranked second the poll. I didn't put them at 0 because, well, I put them up that high a lot last season and they underwhelmed with a semifinal loss. I will not be so lenient this time around. This week: a home-and-home with St. Cloud St.

#-2: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -4). More troubling news for the team indicating they're not going to be around the final weekend of the NCAA Tournament. Although they beat Northwestern in four sets Saturday, they were swept big-time by Illinois Friday night. They were playing in the undercard of the Fighting Illini's "Midnight Madness" program at Assembly Hall, the bigger arena where the basketball teams play. Seems like they kind of turtled in front of 7,632 fans who wanted to watch the b-ball teams but wanted to support the v-ball team anyway. That loss drops the Gophs into third place in the Big 10 and pushes them down three spots to #9 in the AVCA poll -- and it further adds to the prospect of them losing on their home floor (the U. hosts a regional this year) for the second consecutive season. They play at home this week against potentially pesky Michigan St. Friday and Michigan (in their annual match at Williams Arena as part of their "Dig Pink" breast cancer charity effort) Saturday. I will be at the former game and expect a close match but win for a team that I had hoped, before the season began, would have no trouble disposing of a team like the Spartans.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -5). Geez, after seeing their 1-2 week, it looks like this team will win all their games at home and lose all their games on the road. 41-41? I'll take it for this team. Injuries aside, it's kind of sad to see that both of their wins this season were by a vicious three-goal comeback so they wouldn't look bad against the Twins showing some balls and coming back in that game against Detroit and a shootout win. Meanwhile, on Tuesday Mikko Koivu becomes the first player in franchise history to wear the Captain's "C" on a permanent basis. There are many things that need to be changed from the Jacques Lemaire regime, but rotating captains isn't one of them. I mean, Mikko may be the best skater on the team, but is it that important that the refs know they talk to one and only one guy? This week: at St. Louis Friday, hosting the Bastard Hartford Whalers Saturday night, at Chicago Monday, at home vs. Nashville Wednesday.

#-4: Gopher football (Last Week: -3). Did you know the Golden Gophers have the fewest number of snaps per game in top-flight college football? Is that the reason they were blanked at Penn St. Saturday 20-0? No -- that fourth and goal sweep left is the reason. This really is their season in microcosm; dreadful anticipation as to what the team will do, avoiding tacklers in the hopes of getting to the end zone before the other defenders catch RB Kevin Whaley, having initial thoughts of, "Yes, he'll make it! No shutout!! Partay!!!" followed by, "Shit, that guy's slow -- and those Nittany Lions are gaining on him," then seeing Whaley get double-teamed down to the line of scrimmage. Will there be no hope that they'll be able to spring an upset against a top Big 10 team at all? What's worse is that this week's opponent, Ohio St., lost to Purdue last week. If they won, I could see them overlooking this game. Now, they're going to fucking kill them!

#-5: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -1). Things were going so good for this team. Alas, they dropped two games this past weekend at home to Penn St. and Ohio St. by identical 1-0 scores. The loss to the Lady Lions Friday night was particularly heart-breaking; the Gophers were called for a foul, and PSU's Katie Schoepfer bent a free kick past the Gophs' D and G Cat Parkhill for the only goal with six seconds left in the game. They are just one-goal losses, but the fact that they lost twice, and at home, should be considered a serious setback for this team. This week, they travel to Michigan and Michigan St. The good news: both Michigan teams are a combined 1-9 in their last ten games coming into this weekend.

#-6: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). They did tie in their second game against North Dakota, so they had a 0-1-1 weekend. I put these guys under the soccer team for a few reasons: 1) on Friday night they got their dicks blown off 4-0; 2) although this is their first two games, they're winless for the year; 3) this seems to be a continuation of their very disappointing season last year. I'm waiting for this team's pro prospects to say, "Fuck this" and leave these guys high and dry -- unless they already left, in which case we will have the worst team we can possibly have. They host Denver for a pair this weekend. Good luck.

Gas, Wine/Cheesecake/Coke Confusion

Maybe I make things more complicated.  But I think I can save some money, and I want to stick to my principles.

I was distressed to see that gas shot up about a dime yesterday.  I was running out of gas in a couple days, and I had decided to partially fill my tank the week before because I waited a day too late to gas up then.  It had shot up about 15 cents when I finally filled up, and out of protest and a way I think I can save gas in case it goes down, I fill it up only halfway.  I don't like doing that because I have a coupon in my back pocket saving me 10 cents per gallon, and I'd rather not use it on a half-ass tank.  But I decided to do it again after seeing that the price did not go down today.

On my back from "work" I was being kind of tailed by this guy.  Not close, but it got my juvenile juices flowing and I gunned my car.  I got it up to 75 m.p.h. today and I don't think I've done that in months, maybe even years.  I got so occupied hearing how my car did going that fast that I missed the exit that led to the gas station, so I had to go the long way.

This gas station, the one I had a coupon for, is very small.  There are only four pumps and two very small driveways to get to them.  Somtimes they are filled, but most of the time there are a couple cars there, enough to make it incredibly difficult to get my car to a pump on my (the driver's) side.  That was the case today.  What was so infuriating about it is I approached the gas station from the street of the intersection I usually don't use; either I could go in and turn my car around so I could back into the pump, or I would've had to take a left turn and come in through the other way, where, because God hates me, a car would drive through there right before me.

Then I realized: Why am I going to this gas station for?  I'm not going to use the coupon because I'm not going to fill up my tank the whole way.  All this doubling back was absolutely not necessary.  I got confused; I didn't have to go there to gas up, so I didn't.  And this is where other people might think I'm weird; I'm going to another gas station because I would feel that I would be obligated to use my coupon at this one.  I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but that's my way of thinking.  So I decided to go to another one station.  But which one?  I have coupons to use at other places, and they are for smaller amounts, so it might be a bit more palatable to use it for a non-full tank ... but nah, I can save those for when I fill up all the way.

So I just decide to go to one closer to home.  Since prices are at around $2.60, I decide to spend $25, enough to get past half wa, which I hear is the point where your gas level should always be because if it's less you start putting your fuel pump under a lot of stress.  Anyway, I go past $25 to $25.01, so I think what the hell, I'll round it up to $26.  (This is why I don't have a girlfriend.)

And so I start up the car to go grab some coffee.  And after I park, which is about a couple miles away, the tank's almost full!  I thought I'd need aboutg $35 or so to fill it up all the way, and I'm just about there.  So why didn't I just fill it up all the way?  And why didn't just go to the station I skipped over, pain in the ass as it is to go to a pump, instead of wasting my time and more gas to go to this one?  And why didn't I just use the coupon, even if the gas price is this high?

Maybe I make things too complicated.

---

There are a couple slice of cheesecake that have been in the refrigerator for a while.  (Does cheesecake spoil?)  There is also some wine left in a bottle we opened over a week ago.  Crane Lake 2006 merlot?  Good and, from what I've researched online, cheap.  In the back of my mind I keep reminding myself to consume both before too long.

I passed out tonight while watching the baseball game; Scott Kazmir was taking too goddamn long to pitch and Mike Napoli made one too many trips to the mound for me to care about watching the game anymore.  I woke up three hours later and, while still groggy, I remember that I need to go downstairs and stash a can of Coke in the downstairs fridge to cool it so I can drink it later tonight.

While down there I hear my parents' bedroom door open.  Of course it's My Fucking Father.  I turn around and close the fridge door just to glare at him as he talks to me about something.  I wanted to let him know I'm up to the schtick he does time and time again.

He actually did have something productive to tell, actually give, me; my money.  He stuck it out to me in an envelope.  As any normal human being, I go to him to get it from his hand.  Unlike any normal human being, he instead just puts it down on the closest thing in front of him.  Asshole.  You fucking asshole.  It's all about you, isn't it, Father?  Can't wait two goddamn seconds so you can hand cash over to me like a grown-up?  Fuck you in the ass, Father.  Again.

I was still steamed at My Fucking Father when I got hungry late tonight and broke out the wine glass and cheesecake.  Then I thought through some things: Shouldn't I be on a diet?  Why then am I eating this cheesecake and drinking this wine and following it with a Coke later?  Why didn't I think this through?  The cake and wine would be enough.  If I had thought it through, it would've saved me from yet another toxic confrontation with My Fucking Father.  Wouldn't've gotten my money, but hell, I could've gotten that tomorrow, I didn't need it now.

I'm still pissed off at My Fucking Father, but I can't just decide to settle for cake and wine when I went down there and had to put up with his shit, so I decide to drink Coke and leave the cake and wine for some other time when I don't have to work the next day and I don't have to be afraid of diarrhea.  So I put away the cheesecake ... till I realize that there's only one slice left.  I thought there were two?  And I looked at the bottle of wine; there's maybe enough for a glass there.  Well, shit -- shouldn't I just finish these off?  I'd have waited another day if there was so much that I couldn't eat and drink it all tonight, but this is so little, why not?  But goddamn My Fucking Father!!!

I finally decide to eat the cake and drink the wine immediately then (around midnight), and meanwhile grab the Coke and let it chill upstairs till a later hour (around 2:30).  The thing I sacrifice is my waistline, but that's already gone.  I made space in the fridge and I got to polish off wine that might soon go bad.  And when I went downstairs to get that Coke, maybe I startled My Fucking Father while he was sleeping.  That'll show him!!!

I'm Just Not Going To Forget My Fucking Father When He Uses That Goddamn Tone Of Us To Me. He's Used It Too Often. And I Just Won't.

I went downstairs to: grab a Pepsi; check around to see if the big scissors I used to cut open the fertilizer this afternoon was down there (if they were it meant they came home, found the scissors and put it away; I didn't see it, so there's a remote possibility they're gone), and to see what the commotion I heard all night was about.

In the dark I knock over something.  Shit!  I knew My Father would wake up because he's paranoid like that.  But I have to see and pick up what I knocked over, so I turn on the downstairs dimmer dial.  Naturally I hear the door open up; it's My Fucking Father, who ostensibly is on the way to take one of his prostate-demanding piss breaks in the middle of the night but asks me if I'm OK.

I am, I told him, and I start turning down the dial, which is brighter than it has to be, because I didn't want to dilate his pupils or wake up Mother.  But then I inadvertently turn it down all the way to off, to which My Fucking Father said in Chinese, "Turn it up!"  I keep trying to describe the tone of voice he says that in, the way he usually says that, the way he's done so all my years on this Earth, and it pisses me off to no end.  He said that, and he says many things to me, in a whiny tone of voice.  It's like, if he were saying that to me in English, he would end his insulting comment with, "Duh!" or "Why aren't you ..." or he'd say it in a way that implies, "Well, of course you should do/say this that way!  What's a matter with you?"

Hate it.  Always hated it, always will.  So Fuck You, Father, Fuck You in the ass.  Once a-fucking-gain.

What I Was Thinking To Myself When I Realized I Forgot My Cellphone At My Friends' House

Hey, uh, where's the phone?

Oh shit! Did we leave it at their place? Goddamn, look around the car to make sure.

It ain't here. Scatterbrained Unforgivable Wetness, we forgot shit again.

Goddammit, and I had plans to just stay home and do some yardwork.

Well, we can't do that -- well, just that -- now.

Well, yes we can! I'll just get it ... uh ... Tuesday ... wait, I have to work, that won't do ... Wednesday!

That's too long and you know it.

Fuck me. But I don't want to get it tomorrow.

Somebody could call. Your Fucking Father might call.

What, he can't call me on the home phone?

OK, somebody else could call. The guy from the game could call you. You wanna miss that?

No. I know I need to get it back. Just not make it tonight, OK?

Alright. The 'Rents will probably be pissed at us if we just up and left just for a cellphone. They don't have to know.

No, they don't. Now I just have to think if I can do the yardwork another day. What's the weather like?

It's supposed to be raining the middle of the week, as soon as Tuesday even. It's the perfect time to lay down that winter fertilizer!

Goddamn, but I have to go all the way down there to pick up my phone! And I have to rake, then mow, then seed. It's too fucking much!

You've been looking forward to doing this for the past week now. When are you going to have another chance to do this before it gets cold for good? And, I know this sucks, but ...

... yeah, I brought this on myself.

We're just gonna have to make time for the lawn. We have to do something tomorrow.

I'm just pissed that I forgot a simple fucking phone, you know?

I hear ya. It blows. But we brought this on ourselves, so we have to move around our schedule to pick it up, right?

Right. It's an important thing to get ASAP. And we kind of blew it.

Yeah, we kind of fucked up.

You know, if I wasn't so hungry, why did I stop by the Italian place close to home and eat a plate of spaghetti that I barely finished?  Not only am I tired, I threw up a little in my mouth twice.  And, even though I bitch about getting fat, I'm still getting fat and not doing anything about it.

I'm a fucking hypocrite.

Goddammit, last night My Fucking Father woke up at 5:30 while I was still working on my laptop in my sister's room!  I had to quickly turn off my computer (stopping my post for my other blog in the process) while starting to act like I was checking out my parents' stocks in case My Fucking Father knocked on the door.  Sure enough, he did; I made up the lie that I woke up early and couldn't sleep, so I just started working on some of their claim form stuff.

The following afternoon I called My Fucking Father to talk to him about stocks, something I hadn't done in a long time.  I planned to do this for him before his morning barge-in, and that didn't sway things any.  He was going to come at me with some remark regarding me being up, so I called him anyway ... and sure enough, after I was done relaying the stock quotes to him, and him making small talk about where I was going to be tonight, he told me to do something with my time, like take classes.  "Like I said, I was up, and I couldn't go back to sleep."  He basically hung up on me, so to get back at him I called him back and told him about this free trip to Harrah's Atlantic City he received in the mail.  He thought he could bring a guest for free too; no, he can't, so I asked him if he still wanted to book the package for himself.  "No," he said, "if I can't bring you I don't want to go."  Aw, that's the sweetest-sounding lie I've ever heard!

So the whole day I was dreading going back home.  Half the time during the Gopher women's hockey game (which they won, convincingly, 3-1) I was dreading and girding myself for my eventual trip home.  Would he lay into me again?  Would I have the courage to stand up to him, tell him off -- maybe even punch him in the face?  My nails are long -- it makes it hard to type, so I should cut them soon -- but it could be useful in a fight.  But when I get home My Fucking Father didn't yell at me; nope, he was doing something with the paintings he's collecting.  I checked the mailbox for him, and that's it.  And it's sad that the heavy feeling in my heart and stomach just lifted.  I shouldn't feel relieved; nothing was solved, nothing got decided, and he'll bring this shit up sometime soon, I know it.

I was in a bad mood all night, obviously.  So I took it out on this one girl driving in her car in Dinkytown.  She got caught in the middle of the intersection as the light turned red for her and green for the cross traffic.  It's a situation where I know the cars in front of her would start moving because the next light up will turn green, so I usually wait to let them pass, even though pedestrians are already crossing in front of her.  But she waves me past hurriedly, like she's saying, "Come on, move your ass!"  Hey, bitch, I was OK to wait for your car.  It is blocking the way.  But as long as there are other walkers in front of her, I decided to heed her hand motion.

I look back, and she's giving (maybe to me) this combination of the same hand wave and an exasperated shrug, like, "What the hell's the matter with you?"  She can't be this pissed off just because of me, which means she's overwhelmed by the traffic around the U., which is kind of sad because it's manageable.  Anyway, being the vindictive dick that I am, I shrug back at her.  We continue this back-and-forth a couple times till I see her giving me the finger.  Whoa, cunt, them's fightin' words!  But I had to just cross the fucking street, so I give her a sideways and downward finger.  I wasn't prepared to just stop my tracks, plant my feet in the intersection and give her a proper bird.  Should have; bitch deserved it.  Are sideways and downward fingers offensive gestures?  I don't think so.

More True Tales Of San Francisco

• Although we probably paid too much for our hotel, the Holiday Inn at Fisherman's Wharf, it was great.  Customer service was at times Frisco-surly, but the concierges were really good and informative.  Best of all was the location.  Besides the panhandlers up and down the main drag at the Wharf (a block or so away), there was enough touristy things for me to occupy my time at night.  It may not be authentic, but I love that there was an In-N-Out virtually behind the hotel.  The night we had to leave I had a beer at Hooters, which was across the alleyway from In-N-Out, also virtually behind the hotel.  The terminus of the streetcar to Chinatown was a couple blocks away.And when Mother wanted a bottle of water, thank goodness I passed up the hotel store and went around the block to Walgreens.
• And one other thing: the last touristy thing we did (well, I kind of dragged Mother out to do this) was to check Lombard Street after the sun was down.  I had to make sure I knew where I was going because this was my thing, so I needed to make damn sure we didn't get lost on our way to getting back on the streetcar because we had several hours left before we had to get to the airport.  So after taking my photos, I directed us down the cross-street that was at the bottom of Lombard (forget what street that is, rather not spend time finding it).  We keep going down, and down, and down ... until we actually get to our hotel.  Like I said, you can't beat the location.
• Oh, by the way, I was complaining about My Fucking Father being a fucking asshole when booking the hotel.  Well, reserving the night we were supposed to leave, instead of checking out 12 hours before heading off to the airport was the right thing to do.  We didn't have to lug our shit around, we took our time, we were able to shower, and Mother was able to cut some vegetables she bought from Chinatown.  And that allowed me to have a couple hours to myself at Hooters and In-N-Out.
• The one time I really lost my cool is taking us to the wrong place to get our bus for our final dinner, in town, at Chinatown.  We wanted to take the bus instead of the streetcar because it was too crowded and we used the bus from Chinatown back to the hotel, so we might as well use that mode of transportation again.  Well, I got us turned around; I saw the stop in relation to a certain side of the hotel it stopped at on the way back, which was across the street from the Holiday Inn, but I saw it incorrectly.  I actually saw the bus we needed to take stop and leave before we got to the correct spot.  We then waited about half an hour for another bus.  One bus actually passed by our stop because it was full; saw one girl who got there before us flip that bus off.  (Why weren't there more buses?  Liberal Frisco manners, meet liberal Frisco union laws, I guess.)  As we were waiting and I was stewing, Mother pointed out the stop when we got back from Chinatown and how we were now at the stop on the way to Chinatown, which was across the street from that stop, and I shouted, "Yeah, yeah!!!"  I'm glad Mother let my outburst slide.
• Our first day there we did Alcatraz.  Awesome.  Moreover, I am starting to really dig America's National Park System.  It may be because we sat down for a little snippet of Ken Burns's NPS documentary that recently played on PBS before leaving the island.  But these parks are where much of our taxpayer dollars go.  And if it goes to preserving our national heritage and identity, as Burns states, I'm all for it.  This is our land, guys; if it's just as informative as Alcatraz, let's use it.

There may be more.

It's Been Under My Nose This Whole Time

How could I not understand this sooner? The reason I dread coming back home for dinner each night is I gird myself in anticipation for what bullshit My Fucking Father might throw my way. I can't breathe a sigh of relief if he's a chipper mood because I fear for how he's going to behave the next night. So I keep my guard up at all times when I come home. That takes a toll on my body and my psyche. And that's why I am such an emotional mess.

He hasn't gone after me yet, but coming home, despite the smile on his face, he was acting like an asshole, as usual, to Grandmother. He has a way of dismissing things she says. He always tells her to stop doing things in his typical whine; it's something I'd have to copy for y'all to understand, but I don't want to because it hurts me. And when she volunteers to help him with cooking, he says in Chinese, "I'lldoitI'lldoitI'lldoitI'lldoit," really fast, like it's one word, both telling her to immediately stop what she's doing and to fuck off.

She might be old, and she might screw things up, but she means well. That's no way to treat an elder. God, he's suck a dick.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Vikings (Last Week: 0). Sunday's beatdown of the Bastard Cleveland/Los Angeles Rams stands alongside their wins against Cleveland and Detroit as signs that this has the makings of a very good team. These guys don't fuck around, like previous Vikings teams; they use their talent to beat you -- soundly if need be, by 28 points if they can and want to, like they did last week. Adrian Peterson picked up the quietest two touchdowns I'll ever see; hope to see him make more of a difference in a big game instead of capping off drives with inside-handoff TD's from the 1. I was worried that this is becoming less All Day's team and more Brett Favre's. Well, considering that the next opponent, the Bastard Cleveland Browns, is much more susceptible to the pass than the run (although their defense overall is still pretty good), that won't change. Their expected dick-smacking of inferior teams prevents me from bringing them up to Positive Numbers; they haven't won against a good team yet. They will this week, but as a Vikes fan I'm always wary of being exposed as incapable.

#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -2). I'm leaping this team ahead of the women's hockey team for three reasons. First, some variety is always good. Second, they upset a ranked team (Purdue, which was either ranked ninth or eighteenth), 1-0 on the road. It was the first time they defeated a Top-10 team on the road and it was only the second time they've done so in program history. Such surprises were long in coming in the Pamela Wickstrand era. Yet for all their trouble, they're not ranked in either the NSCAA or the Soccer Times poll. They have a chance to change that because the host Penn St. and Ohio St. this weekend. The game against the Lady Lions Friday is a "Rock The Robbie" night, where the Gophs intend to break the attendance record of 1,751. I would love to go, but 1) I hate to fight the crowds going to a Gopher soccer game, and 2) I'll instead be watching ...

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). Yes, they're 4-0 after the road sweep of Ohio St. But like their sweep of Syracuse the week before, they had to hold on for a one-goal win in the first game before locking the opposition down to one goal scored in the second. But the Gophers, who are currently ranked second in the USCHO poll, get a real live foe this weekend, and it's a familar one: fifth-ranked UMD. I saw the first game of the series at Ridder Arena last year, and it was one where the Gophers had an early lead before they blew it by letting the Bulldogs score three times (well, I still believe Goalie Alyssa Grogan let them in, not the defense). The third reason I put these guys behind the soccer team is I fear that they'll come up short again at home. Sarah Erickson, reigning WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week, will not score five times like she did against the Buckeyes this weekend. By the way, the second game will be Saturday at 4:07.

#-3: Gopher football (Last Week: -6). No hair-pulling frustrations yet; the team drubbed a really bad Purdue team, 35-20, on Saturday, the way they're supposed to. Unfortunately, I can't see them upsetting Penn St. on the road this Saturday afternoon, even if the Nittany Lions haven't beaten anybody really good. By the way, I don't know if I've said this yet, but I should say it now because it needs to be said: WR Eric Decker is a badass, and he might be good enough to be playing pro in the NFL.

#-4: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3). This 1-1 reinforced what I think this team's place in the hierarchy is: the defeat of Ohio St., although it was in four sets and not three, means they can soundly beat teams beneath them, but they are no match -- none -- when they face a club with more talent and chemistry, like #1-ranked Penn St., which came into the Pavilion and swept them. It was a score of 24-21-14, which meant the Gophers were really fired up and tried to hit them from the outset, but when they couldn't claim a set they tired quickly and were eventually rolled for the first time in eight games. They somehow still rank sixth in the AVCA poll, a little too high to me 'cause I think this is a team that may be vulnerable to an upset, especailly come NCAA tournament time. But they should have no trouble (should being the operative word) at Illinois and Northwestern this Friday and Saturday.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -5). I had not harped on this enough: Pains me to say it, but the best thing for new General Manager Chuck Fletcher to do is to stop following predecessor Doug Risebrough when it comes to trying to field a competitive team every season. Is their 1-4 start part of the plan? They have looked like shit all three losses this week. And to pour salt on the wound, Cal Clutterbuck joins Pierre-Marc Bouchard, Petr Sykora and Derek Boogaard injured on the bench. The injury bug seems to have decided to reside with the Wild this year. I'm absolutely revolted that they were outscored 13-7 this lost week. Yet, if this keeps up, this may result in a high draft pick, something this club hasn't had in forever and needs desperately. They complete their early-season road trip in Edmonton and Vancouver back-to-back this weekend before hosting the Bastard Quebec Nordiques Wednesday.

#-Infinity: Twins (Last Week: -4). What can I say? Not much; the less said about that buzzkilling, Metrodome-ending sweep at the hands of those fucking goddamn Yankees, the better. I will say that nothing short of Nick Blackburn and Carl Pavano looked good in their A.L. Div. Series; poise, stupid baserunning, bullpen pitching and Joe Nathan were absolutely pathetic. Baseball's postseason is a crapshoot -- unless it's the Twins playing the Yanks, in which case this team pisses down their legs and lose every single goddamn fucking game to them this year (they finish 0-10. 0-10!!! They didn't win a single fucking game!!! At all!!!). Everybody is to blame for this -- the Twins, the Yankees, and Major League Baseball, for still allowing a might-makes-right environment where the Yankees can assemble The Best Team Money Can Buy and ensure themselves a postseason spot virtually every year. When the fuck are we going to have a goddamn salary cap???

Up next: Nothing, except golf. And Target Field. Oh, great ... the rebirth of outdoor baseball, where we can see snow at the beginning of the season and temperatures near freezing by the end of it. This is the way baseball was meant to be played. And even with the new revenue, we're still not going to get the talent the Yankees will buy. Fuck this!!

My Seinfeldian Crisis Tonight

My Father came home around 11 -- around the time I woke up -- all pissed off because he needed to make an appointment for a consultation and for some reason they didn't leave him any information on where and who to call back (I bet they left him a message, but he doesn't know how to check his voicemail). This contributed to my crisis tonight.

I parked too close to a stop sign for work and got a ticket for it. Thought it was a problem, but I was never caught, so what the hell? Well, I'm $32 in the hole. This also contributed to my crisis tonight.

When I came back for dinner I did not park my car in the garage; rather I left it on the driveway in case he was still angry from this afternoon, turned his anger on me, and wanted to pick a fight. I was ready to argue, maybe even throw a punch, and then have dinner out. But Father was kind and decent tonight, as if his outburst never happened. Well, I told myself that I was committed to going out tonight whatever the case; since he was civil for dinner, I was going to leave and do something afterward.

But what? I was going to go get a lapdance at a stripclub, but I didn't want to stay out too late, and that parking ticket was the clincher; no seats tonight. So I was left with two options; taking the laptop and some old papers out to a coffeeshop and just waste time for a couple hours, or go see Zombieland. Again, money is an issue, but I remember that I have passes that I bought at a discount at the U. Plus, if I go the Regal close by I get popcorn for a buck!

I check showtimes just in case I miss all the screenings. I don't; the last showing's at 10:10, and the running time is 81 minutes. That's great for me now, though I have a personal peeve that all movies should run at least 90 minutes. Anyway, I start thinking which thing to do would be cheaper. This is where the math gets me: OK, if popcorn's just a buck and you already paid for the ticket, then the Coke's, what, $5.50? So it's $6.50 for Zombieland. But then, it's just $3.50 for a mocha at Spyhouse ... unless I want some ice cream at Sebatian Joe's ... hmmm, ice cream ... but that's, what, seven dollars total then?" And then I'm trying to figure out gas and how much money it costs me to drive to Uptown instead of Brooklyn Park ... yadda-yadda-yadda, my head hurts!

Zombieland it is because it's closer; plus, I'd take my laptop with me to the coffeehouse and that adds a potential complication of My Father seeing me with the laptop when I come back home because I don't want him to know I bought a laptop. Anyway, I hope you get that I'm a fucked-up mess.

So I check to make sure I have passes for this particular theater. I do -- except that they're, um, premium/super-duper tickets. I thought they were the regular-duper tickets, which mean that they're subject to certain restrictions. The passes I have can bust through those restrictions and can be used in most cases. But what cases are those? So I'm back to thinking myself into knots: When did Zomebieland come out? More importantly, what restrictions apply to the regular passes, the passes that I don't have? Because if that would prevent me for using the ordinary passes, that means the passes I have would be the only ones I could use, which means I should use them. But if the movie has been in theaters long enough where I can now use those regular-duper passes, that would mean that my super-duper passes would be a waste and should be saved for another film that just came out. But when's the goddamn cutoff? But wait a second ... there was a movie that I saw opening weekend -- was it I Love You, Beth Cooper? -- and I used a regular pass to watch it. Does it even fucking matter? Shit, I don't think I saw that the movie had a "no passes" warning, was there?

My God, my head hurts again.

I thought of my plight as I walked dejectedly and unsteadily to my car. I know my brain was once again overwhelmed by my indecision and that I'd just give up and go grab coffee because it seems simple. As I was backing out, I remembered the one key that could have helped me solve my conundrum: The University of Minnesota has a page listing what restrictions are tacked onto the passes you can purchase for each and every single theater chain in the area. I should've just turned off my car and ran back into the house to check it out on My Father's desktop. But, too late.

On my way the coffeeshop I kept track of the mileage difference between getting to the theater and the coffeeshop, much farther away. It's about eight miles farther, so 16 miles total, which means ... and then I remembered I had to concentrate on driving.

I park next to the coffee place. Oh, what the hell, I have to spend $32, what's another $3.50? So I get that ice cream -- pumpkin, pretty good. $3.50 good? Should ice cream ever cost more than a buck?

I fire up my laptop after I get my mocha. I keep forgetting that the mocha at Spyhouse is kind of stiff. I get to the website. Regal theater regular passes can only be used 12 days after a movie's release. I count the days ... ah, crudfuck, today was the twelth day of Zombieland's release. So the premium passes -- the passes I have -- are the only ones that can be used to watch the film, which means it would have made sense to watch the film tonight. And to top it all off, I failed in spending less money tonight because I got ice cream on top of coffee. If I just got coffee, my night would have been cheaper than going to the movie. But I just had to get ice cream, didn't I? I'm an idiot.

So I'm now trying to justify my move: Well, I did try and like Sebastian Joe's pumpkin ice cream; I think I recharged my battery driving longer than I would have if I just went to the movie; and I walked a few blocks to the ice cream shop, which is exercise, and I really need the exercise. Besides, it's better to save the pass for later use rather than use it and not need it. Wait, Zombieland is in its twelth day of release, the last day only premium passes can be used to watch it. Next week, regular passes can be used to watch the movie, so why use my passes then? But maybe I could've used the ordinary passes tonight; it's not like Zombieland is, like, New Moon or the last Harry Potter film. Maybe it's best that I kept my tickets ... oh, whatever.

Things should come full circle, so when I did get back home, of course I have to dodge My Father, who's up checking stuff. I bring my laptop down to the computer room and put my coat on it in case Father wants to talk to me. He did, and he started yet another sort of boring, very creepy talk with me about Thomas Gainsborough and me going back to school. He even sat next to my coat, but I don't think he saw my laptop under it. Hopefully.

All of this because of My Father's tantrum, the parking ticket I got, and the choice of whether to get coffee or go to a movie.

I hope I just stay home tonight.

I'm reading my alternative weekly while taking a shit just now when out of the corner of my eye I see a mouse. Goddammit. I don't want that vermin in the house, tracking shit and potentially making us all sick. But I don't want to kill those poor little creatures either. Is there anyway we can live in peace -- you live, I live, we don't bother each other?

I'm Sick Of Talking About The Fucking Twins And The Fucking Yankees, So I'm Going To Project My Hate Towards The Dumbest Commercial On TV Right Now:

It's the hip commercial for Miracle Whip.  No, it's not heroin.  It's mayonnaise:



Who in the hell thought you can make mayo cool for twentysomethings? Slate's Ad Report gave it a B thinking that a spot showing youthful images and graphics will influence that twentysomething preparing for a picnic/frolic with other twentysomethings to go grab that jar of Miracle Whip. To which I say, Are we that stupid? If there's any justice people won't buy Miracle Whip because of these dumbass commercials. I mean, it's just mayonnaise, fucking mayonnaise, for God's sake.

I swear, when the actors in this commercial heard what they had to do and what company they were doing it for, they thought to themselves, "I need the money, I need the money."

And tag line: "We Are Miracle Whip, And We Will Not Tone It Down." You threatening me, asshole? I just saw my Twins get ass-raped by the Yankees, the fucking Yankees, again, and you wanna threaten me?!?!?! I better not see you on my TV again. Fucking prick.

My Bad Days

I promised myself that I'd get to work on time.  I decided not to buy lunch and instead surf the Internet until I had to go.  Of course, I stayed onlne a little too long and was late leaving.  I had some tampon wrappers I brought with me because my Grandmother wanted me to buy tampons.  But I didn't want people walking by my car and seeing the tampon wrappers, because I could be leaving or entering my car when they do and they'll think I'm weird, and I don't want that.

So I grab the tampon wrappers and my garage door opener and I leave for the car.  The plan was to put the wrappers in my trunk, where no one could see it, and just get in, turn my car on, back down the driveway and close the garage door.  But when I open my front door and get in, I see that in my hand were the tampon wrappers.  I put my garage door opener in the trunk.

Fuck me.

When did this happen?  Oh, a couple weeks ago.  Yeah, I'm still mad, and hopefully I'm still mad about the stuff that actually happened, not stuff I thought happened because my memory's bad.

Going to work one day this week I forgot to take my cell with me.  Not only did I need to make sure that anybody who wanted to reach me reached me, I had some calls I wanted to make while at work and there were some Vegas picks for My Father.  Couldn't do that.

Fuck me.

Fuck 'Em All!

Fuck you, Carlos Gomez, for not knowing how to run the bases, and fuck you, Joe Nathan, for pissing down your leg again in the ninth inning against those Yankee bullies, and fuck you, Twins, for stranding 17 runners on base, and fuck you, left field ump Phil Cuzzi, for fucking up that fair ball call, and fuck you, Yankees, for being able to spend so much fucking goddamn money that you will always make the playoffs when we Twins have to claw every single goddamn year only to get ass-raped by your well-compensated talent, and fuck you, Major League Baseball, for being too pussy to put in a salary cap like the NFL's or even the NBA's, and fuck you, Yankees fans, for being so goddamn arrogant and entitled, and fuck you, Twins fans, if you people don't start getting angry on Sunday night and start throwing shit at everybody on the field, Yankees and Twins.

Fuck all this.  Fuck all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Bastard Of The Moment: Matt Holiday

There's always one.  During every baseball playoff season, there is one game where everything seems to be going normal, and then there's one error, one fuckup, that totally turns it around.  The loser becomes an unlikely winner, and more than likely, that team becomes world champs.

Such might be the case with St. Louis Cardinals left fielder Matt Holiday.  His team was one out -- one fucking out! -- away from winning Game 2 of their Division Series against the Los Angeles Dodgers.  Alas, he misjudged the fly ball that would've ended the game; it hit his belly instead.  The Dodgers then proceeded to score the tying and winning runs, and they now lead their best-of-five series 2-0.

I love the Cardinals (though I love the Dodgers just as much; both of them are my National League teams du jour).  I love St. Louis, especially the strip clubs of East St. Louis.  The Loo is considered to be Baseball's True City, and the fans are reputed to be the best.  Still, they cannot forgive a mess-up that will surely end this team's season, after being one stupid fly ball away from an important win.

Fuck the phrase that baseball's a team game.  This is all Holiday's fault.

Poor bastard.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Vikings (Last Week: 0).  I thought they were going to beat the Packers by a two-score margin, but at least they covered the spread.  I call bullshit on Brett Favre not going into this game against his former team with more emotional interest than any other, not with the way he was slingling the ball with omniscient control.  Great to see the team at not just 4-0 but a very confident 4-0.  Two things prevent me from pushing these guys up to Positive Numbers: general pessimism because these are the Vikes we're talking about, and the second anonymous performance of Adrian Peterson.  Favre said this is Peterson's team, and it should be.  But with the way #4 is playing now, is it Favre's?  Should it?  And is A.D. jealous?  And should he?  And will there be any drama if this gap widens this Sunday at the Bastard Cleveland/Los Angeles Rams?

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!).  I didn't know Syracuse had a women's hockey team.  Well, they do, and it's only in its second year of varsity existence.  I guess that makes the Gophers beating them only by a score of 4-3 Friday night a little more palatable -- I mean, it's not like the Orange are in their first year.  I guess I'm looking at ways to trash this team after riding high most weeks on the WMNSS only to pud out in the Women's Frozen Four.  But so far, they are undefeated and once again one of the top teams in the country.  Maybe they'll be able to close the deal this time, even though they lost both Lamoureux twins to North Dakota.  Chelsey Jones is WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week, so congrats to her.  The team visits Ohio St. this weekend.

#-2: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -1).  F Katie Bethke is the Big Ten Offensive Player Of The Week for having a simply fucking unreal two games.  On Thursday at Madison, her penalty kick was the difference in the Gophers' 2-1 overtime win over Wisconsin.  And on Sunday afternoon Bethke had four goals and two assists in a 9-0 biblical ass-kicking of South Dakota.  They are undefeated in their last six games, and yet this team doesn't even receive votes in either women's soccer college poll?  The Gophs have only one game this week, but it's a tall test: Sunday afternoon at Purdue, which is either the ninth- or the eighteenth-best team in the country.  Soccer polls are weird.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3).  The U. volleyball team is in virtual lockstep with the soccer team: They too won a pair of games this past week, they too are undefeated in their last six (although you can't have ties in volleybal -- they've won six in a row), and one of their players has also been lauded by the conference (LIB Christine Tan, reigning Defensive Player Of The Week).  On Monday the team moved up three places to #5 in the AVCA Top 25, their highest ranking in over four years.  I put them behind the soccer team because I've seen enough from this team to be able to see the ceiling, and they are going to hit their heads hard on it, I'm afraid, Sunday afternoon.  Then, they host the top-ranked team in the country, Penn St.  I just cannot see them winning this game.  Sadly, I can't see them even hanging with the Lady Lions.  At least they will give the Homecoming fans a win tomorrow night, as they should be able to defeat Ohio St. at the Pavilion as the parade goes down University Ave.  (By the way, don't do what I did with the So You Think You Can Dance Show and fuck up the time; because of the parade, the match against the Buckeyes will start at 6, one hour earlier than usual.)

#-4: Twins (Last Week: -4).  As I said yesterday, Wow, what a fucking game.  I guess they were so elated to come back from way back in the division to beat Detroit in Quite Possibly The Greatest Game I've Ever Seen that they allowed themselves to lose the first game of their Div. Series against the fucking Yankees.  I can see no other excuse for their putrid 7-2 loss to them yesterday ... well, other than the unfair wealth distribution that allows an ocean-wide chasm between the payrolls of the teams playing.  It was a tension-filled game, and some celebration is understandable after working so hard to come back from seven games down in early September.  But if these guys are just happy to make the playoffs (as they seem to be, judging from the amount of bubbly they were spraying each other Tuesday night, less than a goddamn day before they have to play on the East Coast), they won't be in the playoffs for long.  And the Metrodome will see its last game Sunday night.  They've shown enough gumption that they could win three straight.  But it's much better to win tomorrow against A.J. Burnett, especially since they should have enough rest and be over their hangovers by then.

#-5: Wild (Re-Entry!).  Did you notice that, like the Twins, the Wild were down early in their game Tuesday 3-0 and came back to win in extra time by one?  Maybe the hockey team noticed what the baseball team across the river was doing and finally fucking grew a pair against Anaheim.  Look, this is the NHL with a fairly hard salary cap, so no team is truly that far away from making the playoffs and, once there, making some noise.  But the Wild have a new General Manager and Coach, so I'll bet this team isn't going anywhere this year.  So it's surprisingly good whenever they win, especially in come-from-behind fashion, something that this team rarely if ever did last year.  Are they going to carry that momentum forward on their road trip?  Doesn't look like it; as I type this, they're down 3-0 at Los Angeles after one period.  Lovely.  They continue out west this week with games at San Jose Saturday and Anaheim Wednesday.

#-6: Gopher football (Last Week: -2).  Will not possess Paul Bunyan's Axe for a sixth consecutive year as they lose to Wisconsin, 31-28.  And this game, close and competitive as it is, should be evidence that just having a new stadium won't make your program a winner.  My extremely early and uninformed opinion is that this team will stay just right where they are now: Will have an occasional success, but will not compete at all against Ohio St., Penn St., and Michigan unless Coach Tim Brewster pulls something out of some orifice and creates some serious magic.  I do expect, however, that they will win comfortably in the Homecoming game Saturday afternoon against Purdue because they are probably worse than people think this year.

I Can't Believe I Paid Thirty-Five Fucking Dollars For This Ticket

I can't keep doing this.

First, $150 at the strip club.  Then $50-plus for the Twins game (at least we won.)

But now I go to the So You Think You Can Dance show tonight.  I thought the same thing would happen that happened for last year's tour in St. Paul: I would walk not too long around the building, find a woman offering tickets, and I'd get them at a serious discount.

Not so here.  Walked across the front of Target Center, found nobody.  So I had to across the street to the Hard Rock Cafe corner where a scalper was riding me hard for a lower-level seat.  He went from $60 to $50 to $40 to finally $35.  Geez, I don't know, especially after shelling out fitty bones for the game.  But it was about to be 7 and I wanted to get in, and I didn't find anybody else.  OK, you made $25 off of me, scalper, but you win.

So of course as I walk in, I see a woman waving a printed-out ticket asking me, "Need one?"  Goddamn, where the hell were you when I needed you?

And I took my seat.  It was off to the side, so I decided to move to another one, farther away but straight on to the front of the semi-circle stage put in the middle of the arena.  Why aren't we starting yet?  It's 7:05 but all I'm seeing are music videos.  Oh no, it can't be.  I look at the ticket; it starts at 7:30.

Of course that's why there were no people who just wanted to get rid of their tickets -- it was too goddamn early.  I could have waited till 7:20, then paced around the front of the building.  There would have been tons of people needing to unload their unused tickets, and then I could've gotten in at a much more reasonable price.  I mean, I liked the show, but $35 like?  Sorry, I can't.

And now I need to cut back on something else just to make for overpaying.  Maybe not go to the strip club tonight.  Or not go to the house party this weekend in hopes of getting my pee-pee touched.

Why am I so stupid?

All I Can Say Is, Wow, What A Fucking Game

So emotionally drained from the Twins I had to pass out and forget blogging about it till the afternoon.

True Tales Of San Francisco

• San Francisco truly is a beautiful city.  Unfortunately, My Mother and I went to the Golden Gate Bridge when it was foggy.  I heard that mornings are always shrouded in low-level clouds, and we saw it both days we were there, but I thought when we went on Thursday that it'd be like Wednesday and the fog burned off.  But it was eerily cloudy when we attempted to walk the bridge, and even though the sun broke through in the afternoon, it failed to burn through the fog on the bridge.  My Mother wanted to bike across the bridge, and even though I don't know how to bike, I wanted to do it for her.  We couldn't do it, though, because the fog didn't lift.
• I thought we were just going to kick it in Chinatown the whole time, but we didn't -- just most of the time.  It's huge, no doubt.  But I'm surprised at how quickly restaurants and shops closed; the place was dead by 9.  Maybe it's because we went on weeknights.  But it's Frisco, baby.  It's not like it's, uh, Minneapolis.
• A very liberal city is a very rude city.  It's also a city where the homeless and panhandlers run rampant, especially around Fisherman's Wharf.  Hate to admit this: Saw one vagrant pop out from a trash can and scare the couple in front of me.  Dick.
• The title of this blog post is a play on an Arctic Monkeys song.  Band's overrated.

More later.  Gotta get this day's blog in.

Why I Hate Being A Son Of Immigrants

Because they can't speak English perfectly, I feel I have to do things for them -- like calling their credit card company to dispute charges. Of course, this means that I have to remember details when they ask me security questions, like the last four digits of their social security number.

So I ask My Mother, which she's told me countless times before but I forget as soon as she tells me. Then I call the credit card company. I'm all ready for the rep to ask me, "What are the last four digits of your social security number?"

But instead he goes: "What's your birthdate?"

I hesitate. Then I hang up. You fucking kidding me? Now he knows I'm a liar. Goddamn, why can't My Mother just do this her damn self?

"Hey, Can You Take A Picture Of Us (Without Fucking Up)?"

So I was leaving the Twins game when the couple ahead of me asked if I could take a picture of them in front of the Metrodome. The woman of the two said that they already asked, but the good samaritans either shot them too close or zoomed so far away they were unrecognizable.

She showed me how it worked and how to shoot a photo of them (from the waist up -- can do!) and I took it, hopefully better than the other strangers who took photos of them on their way out. I showed her my result to make sure she was satisfied.

Both she and her companion looked at it. And I can't believe what she said next: "It's ... OK."

It's just OK? And you had to pause to determine that it indeed was OK? And what does that mean? Could it have been better? Should I have done something to make a better shot? Or are you just saying this is all my goddamn fault? I certainly could just do it again and again till the photo I snap for you guys matches your lofty standards. And the lack of gratitude! You two stopped me, assholes!

I swear, as I was walking away I just know that the couple waited until I was out of earshot before they erased my shot and approached yet another person asking: "Hey, can you take a picture of us?"

Did I Overreact?

I kind of wanted to know because we weren't at our usual meeting place and I thought we were going to, for the whole season, in fact. Maybe I felt goaded into it by one of the guys at the party. But I asked the manager when I was the last one there. His explanation -- this was an extraordinarily busy night, he thought there'd be a lot of people in there and he didn't want to reserve it just for us unless we covered the amount he thought would be spent by people strolling in and watching the Twins or the Wild there -- was totally understandable. I thank him for making an executive decision. Not too many people are courageous enough to do that.

But maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I mean, besides that one guy, I don't think anybody complained about where we were sitting. And even though the manager seemed straightforward and professional, he might've said to himself as I left, "Boy, what a dick." Could the board members think I was over the line, too? Don't make a big deal out of it, blah-blah-blah. Well, when I got here at a quarter to 7 it was packed, and the counter they reserved us for (I understand it was the best they could do) was not enough for the crowd we eventually got. It was something I still think I should have been concerned about. And I only regret it if people think I shouldn't have raised such a stink about it.

I hope this doesn't ruin anything down the line.

A Fatal Blow To Obama's Presidency

I really do think Chicago losing the 2016 Olympics looks really, really bad for President Obama. But being voted out on the first vote? Coming in dead last?? After he broke precedent by being the first U.S. sitting President to take time out of his very busy schedule to lobby for the Olympics??? In my opinion, this shows how the world really sees him: As an ultimately untrustworthy man governing a nation also considered untrustworthy. And I thought he was adored abroad.

Great. Now the Republicans will pounce on this and say this is proof he is smug and impotent. And based on this shameful verdict, that looks just about right. Which means Obama may just be a one-term president.

I've Got This Stripper's Phone Number, But I Don't Want It!!!

I've been lucky enough to grab a couple strippers' phone numbers from my favorite titty bar. It took some months to build trust, but I got them.

This one from last week, however, it was much easier to get. We were talking, she asked if I wanted a dance, I said no, she said next time ... and she was so nice and sweet to give her number to me completely unsolicited. Turns out she lives close to me, and she suggested we could hang out at a nearby park soon.

One problem: I don't find her attractive. In fact, I find many parts of her, physical and otherwise, somewhat off-putting. She glommed onto me like a succubus the first I ever laid eyes on her at the club. And I only got a dance from her because she wouldn't leave me alone. Yes, she's nice, but I just can't get it up. So normally I would be going bonkers upon getting this number, but I'm not.

So what should I do? Maybe I'll see her again to make sure what she proposed is real (and by the way, I called the number; it works). And what the hell -- if she's going to give me her number, the least I can do is take her up on her offer of a picnic. Maybe at the park. Maybe at her place. Maybe we'll eventually get to her place, where she has to go and answer her phone in her bedroom, and I, standing right in front of her, take out my cock. She smiles and, all the while still on the phone, proceeds to wank me something good.

If that happens, then maybe I'll change my mind on her giving me her phone number.

I had a damn good system, putting all my casino cards in my ring. But no, you can't handle just rifling through them to use the right one when you play the slots. I take it out to benefit you, Pop, and now you've destroyed my fucking system. I'll never be able to put it back again. Fuck You, Father. I thought we were going to be good with each other before you leave.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Vikings (Last Week: -1). It's been said before, but it should be repeated: What Brett Favre did at the end of the win against San Francisco, pulling a miracle out of thin air as the Vikes faced their first loss of the season, is the very reason they got him. Yeah, he's still a drama queen, and there may be a time late in the season where he'll try to do this again and he'll be picked off, but I just want to see him win. In the NFL, there will be times you need your quarterback to not just manage the game but to win one. For the first time since Daunte Culpepper, maybe even Randall Cunningham, maybe even before Cunningham, this team can have some confidence their signal-caller can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

There is more to why I give this team a zero-bubble rating for the last two weeks. That win in Detroit the week before copied the same timeline as their first-week win against Cleveland: they struggle in the first half, then their halftime adjustments allow them to pull away in the second half. It didn't work against the 49ers partly because of Vernon Davis, partly because the Niners are much better than the Browns and Lions. But I am quite heartened that the Vikes pulled away to double-digit wins against teams they're supposed to wallop. I'm not worried that they had to pull something out of their ass against San Fran, especially if that team proves to be a good one. And I'm not worried about the Packers coming to the Dome Monday night.

#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -4). A very triumphant 3-0-1 fortnight or so, and that tie was at an Illinois squad ranked in the Soccer Times Top 25. That's got to be a good thing. Looking at that poll as well as the other big one, the NSCAA, shows that there are significant differences between them, but that there are essentially five Big 10 teams that stand out: The Illini, Indiana, Purdue, Michigan St., and Ohio St. (Also, no team from the conference is ranked in the top half of either poll.) If this team can stand up to those teams, they can top a conference not considered to be a major one in women's college soccer. At Wisconsin Thursday, then they finish their non-conference schedule hosting South Dakota, making the transition to Division 1, Sunday afternoon.

#-2: Gopher football (Last Week: -2). This may be Glen Mason, The Sequel, but a good win at Northwestern following up the defiling of TCF Bank Stadium by Cal the week before. OK, so the Gophers aren't going to win the Mythical National Championship. And there will be time to put fans on a rollercoaster, following up impressive upset victories with jaw-gaping losses to inferior teams. But we all know we weren't going to hang with Jahvid Best, who scored every single touchdown in their win at the U. They were clutch in the fourth quarter against the Wildcats, converting a fumble for an insurance touchdown, then sealing the game by grabbing yet another fumble, all within the last two minutes. A better barometer of where this team's at is this week hosting Wisconsin. The Badgers are nowhere near the powerhouse they were under Barry Alvarez, but they're good enough that past teams under Mason were blown out by teams that good at home previous meetings.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3). I have a soft spot for the volleyball team; I've been to at least one game every year the past, say, dozen. But I'm harder on them for their one loss than I am against the football team for their one loss because not only did I have hopes that they could be a championship squad, but that one defeat, to Oregon in a non-conference tournament in Denver a couple weeks ago, was a five-setter. Naturally they have gone 12-1 in sets their last four games, but they were against teams they should've beat. A stiffer test could come Friday at Purdue, a team garnering votes (though not ranked) in several of the past AVCA polls. (They also travel to Indiana Sunday afternoon.)

#-4: Twins (Last Week: -5). It was disgusting to hear. We finished dinner very early today (Father ate quickly, as he's wont to do these days; Mother didn't even eat with us, as she's wont to do these days), and instead of watching Wheel Of Fortune, I decided to turn on the game after the sportscaster for one of the stations was fairly upbeat when he said the Twins were up 2-0 in the first off of Detroit Tigers Eddie Bonine.

I really thought Carl Pavano would have a good game. And he was spotted with a 2-run lead. But then I heard the call: Carlos Guillen walked to load the bases with no fucking outs, Brandon Inge scores two to tie the game, then one out later fucking Ruben Santiago singled for a lead they never relinquished. This now means the Twinkies are three games back, and the Tigers now need a combination of two victories and/or Twins losses to win the division, eliminate Minnesota, and make their final regular season game at the Dome against Kansas City Sunday the final Twins game at the Dome, period. Guess going 11-1 just after my last WMNSS plus a Tigers skid won't be enough; in fact, it could all end tomorrow afternoon in Detroit.

I swore I'm going to the last game, and my good friend secured a ticket. But after hearing the Twins piss away what could be Their Most Important Game Of The Season in just ten minutes, I'm much less enthused.