I wish I can summarize 2017 comprehensively and yet cleanly. Personally, there was nothing that really changed or impressed upon me this year, with one immense exception: The death of Grandmother. I still think of her from time to time. But I kind of thought I would be going about my day when I realize that she is dead. I would crumple to the ground, unable to stop sobbing, and there would go my day. That is not happening. I don't think it's acceptance, or closure upon the grieving process. No, it's something much more callous. I think that, since she started suffering from memory problems, and especially since my parents threw her out of the house, I kind of stopped thinking about her. In a way, I started to believe Grandmother was dead before she really was dead. That gives a person a lot of time to get over a loved one's passing.
I'm not proud of saying that. I am confessing something of which I'm kind of ashamed. But I have to admit the truth.
I could talk about politics, but why? I continue to resist, even though I get tired and frustrated over the continuing takeover of fascism. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say believe that the shitty, corrupt, stupid government we currently have has cast a pall over everything I've done this year. I think my mood could really lift once we get rid of all of these Republicans.
But there is one thing I want to note before I head out, buy some lottery tickets, maybe go to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition), visit my friends as I usually do this night, then hit up White Castle. I have to note that for the first time in a long, long time, not once have I wound up in unemployment. It is kind of strange to look back on it, but the health insurance job connected to test scoring season (with a week of going to Hong Kong to see Grandmother), which connected to a pair of short-term jobs (after a few days of going back to Hong Kong to pay respects to Grandmother), which swung over to the health insurance job again. Yes, there were a couple weeks in the fall, but there weren't the huge gaps in previous years that forced me to go on the dole.
I understand that there shouldn't be any shame in taking unemployment. After all, a portion of my paycheck goes to that. It's there in case you need to use it; it's an earned benefit, no doubt about it. But still, whenever I took what I still somewhat consider free money, it felt like a crutch, and I kind of hated the fact that I needed to rely on it because I couldn't find work. I was very lucky to be working so much in 2017 that I didn't have to go on it. I really didn't even have to think about it, because I was concentrating on working. It is ironic that I will start off 2018 with two weeks "off," but I hope that I can stand on my own and not fall back into unemployment. And then I'll hopefully be lucky and swing from assignment to assignment -- and maybe to something more permanent -- so I won't have to use it ever again.
And at the very least I can say that I could say that I didn't have to fall back on the dole for this year. So that was one very good thing that happened in 2017. Maybe the only good thing in a year full of heartache and suffering.
Happy New Year, all of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment