This Is Why I Am Only Intimate With Strippers

Blow-ups with my parents are few nowadays, thank Buddha.  All-out fights between them and me?  Can't remember the last time we had one.  But I do get annoyed from time to time.  Just take last night.

I was awakened by my now-typical post-dinner nap by them after they took their now-typical post-dinner walk around the block.  After putting on my clothes, I went out to see Father at the dining room table and Mother standing up next to the kitchen counter.  I was still groggy because they interrupted my sleep, which was obvious.

And then Mother said, "Why are you taking a nap?  How are you going to bed tonight if you are taking a nap now?"  And I know she has asked something akin to that before, but I had no answer.  And because of that, in my mind, my only comeback I could think of was, "Shut up."  Instead, I think I stammered out a "Don't you mind," or something like that.

I thought Father said through my bedroom door that he needed help picking something up, like a heavy bag of rice.  No; there was a document and a UPS package laid out.  It's something that has to do with their investments, I think.  They wanted to know if it was filled out correctly, which I think it was.  Then, they needed to find a UPS dropbox.  I don't know -- why would I ever need to use them? -- so I needed to use their cellphone to look up the nearest UPS dropbox from home.  And I was still freakin' damn tired -- I hate getting woken up -- but I went on the UPS website and it brought up a bunch of locations that didn't seem to be very close.  The closest one had an address of 111th St., and we live nowhere near a 111th St.

Right then, Mother said, "Why aren't you using Google Maps?" and I was just about trying of her crap, so I snapped at her, "If you know so much about finding a dropbox, why don't you look it up yourself?"  But I did, and even though I didn't feel as though I could trust those results either, I think the closest one is just below 694.  Mother thanked me in a sarcastic way, and I went to back into my room to try and fall asleep again and fail to do so.

I have taken to heart the adage that in relationships, you ultimately revert back to what you know.  What I know, or remember, are drag-out (and only very occasional knock-down) fights between my parents.  I knew that is what I would probably do if I ever deign to have a girlfriend.  But I realized I am broken in a different way after reflecting on my reactions to what Mother said.  Her comments are triggers, things that have pissed me off for as long as I can remember her saying stuff like that, and I have been rubbed raw, to the bone, as I feel I have had to deal with it all my life.  In particular, I hate hectoring questions from her about stuff I don't know, and also her telling me I'm doing something wrong and I should be doing it another way instead.  If I ever get into a relationship, and she asks me a question about something I don't know or tells me I'm doing something wrong and I should be doing something else instead ... well, I think I probably will snap at her.  And, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I could do worse.

It's what I know and what I've learned.  And I think I've known that in the back of my mind because I have never had an intimate partner.  Well, not an emotionally intimate partner.  I can line up physically intimate partners if I want to spend the cash.  And I have.  And once they're done jacking me off, I usually leave, because I don't ever want to get into a situation where I am abusive.  Or violent.