The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Rise Above All: PWHL (Last Week: -Infinity).

OK, I was totally wrong about these women.  I thought they were fucking dead in the water after that screwjob-turned collapse last Sunday at the X.  But they regrouped Wednesday (ah, yeah ... I was totally thinking that Game 5 of The Walker Cup Finals was on Tuesday, the same Day as the Woofie Dogs, but, uh, I fucked up) and they trounced PWHL Boston in Boston, 3-0.  They outshot them, 44-17.  They held Boston to only three Shots in the Third Period.  Where the fuck was this dominance last Sunday?

Yeah, so congratulations to them.  I'm climbing back on the bandwagon; I admit it.  I have to give credit where it's due.  I still don't like the underhanded origins of the PWHL.  But frankly, after seeing the Woofie Dogs go out like little bitches on Thursday (see below ... way below), I just want to follow any fucking championship team that's from here.  And placing this at the end of a long line that includes the Whitecaps several Years ago and the Lynx from 2011-7, it's obvious that when it comes to winning championships, you don't send a man out to do a women's job.

Now, the next big thing to decide in the league are team names.  There appears to be solid momentum behind the name "Purple Reign," for obvious homage reasons.  I still think Whitecaps is the only name.  The PWHL has bought the assets, there is equity in the name (people flocking to the PWHL are apparently unaware that the Minnesota Whitecaps have been around for twenty fucking Years; we're the State of Hockey, so of course we would have women's hockey before everyone else), and I think it's a better name than "Purple Reign."  But beyond that, the players and, I guess, Billie Jean King should ask themselves two questions: 1) Do you really want your name to be a pun? and 2) Do you really know if Prince was ever a hockey fan?

Guess it doesn't matter.  By my rules with the WMNSS, a Minnesota team that wins a title is spared getting ranked until they finish a season short of a championship.  I won't be talking about what dumb and disrespectful name they pick here.

#0: Lynx (Last Week: -1).  First, an aside: People are noticing that Caitlyn Clark and The Indiana Fever have played 11 Games while The Bastard Utah Starzzz have played only six.  Weird.  Our Lynx have played eight Games so far, and while they got crushed by The Bastard Utah Starzzz/San Antonio Silver Stars at home by 14 Wednesday, they responded with home victories over Phoenix and The Bastard Detroit/Tulsa Shock.  And technically, they remain ahead of Las Vegas because the Lynx have the same number of Losses but two more Wins.  With Diamond Miller sidelined indefinitely, by the way, Kayla McBride has shot out of her mind lately.

This Week: At Los Angeles and Phoenix, then home to Seattle.

#-1: United FC (Last Week: -2).  I get that two-Match Weeks are clusterfucks.  Losing at LAFC 2-0 on Wednesday?  Never great, but it's a road Game vs. a good opponent, OK, shit happens.  They did come home Saturday and took care of business, handling woeful and last-place Sporting Kansas City, 3-1.  They're still a good side; they're behind Real Salt Lake and Laugh-See and tied with the Galaxy on Points (although they are ahead of LAG technically because of Points Per Game).  And hey, Tijuana took Emanuel Reynoso, so he's their problem now!  Saturday they host FC Dallas.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -3).  By percentage, the Twins going 5-2 this screening Week had a better Week than both the Lynx and the Loons.  Winning three-of-four at home versus a resurgent Kansas City outfit, then going to Houston and taking two-of-three over the stumbling and suddenly mortal Astros (when's the last time the Twins won a series over those guys?) should make for a hell of a Week.  Unfortunately, at least for this survey, I'm looking at where teams are in the standings.  And unfortunately, as Minnesota has gone 7-3 in their last ten Games, Cleveland has also gone 7-3 in their last ten.  Which means the Twins are still six Games behind the Guardians in the AL Central -- and they're two Games behind the Royals still.  Didn't expect the Division to become so competitive.

This screening Week they visit the Yankees for three beginning tomorrow/Tuesday, then finish their long road trip by playing a weekend trio at Pittsburgh.  Hmmm ... when's the last time they've played the Pirates in Pittsburgh?

#-Infinity: Timberwolves (Last Week: -Infinity).  Hey, at least they won a Game, right?  Look, the Mavericks were a deceptively deep team, and they have two superstars in Luka Doncic and Kyrie Irving.  But what about us?  What happened to the stifling Defense?  The Woofs were the deeper team, and they have a superstar in Anthony Edwards.  More importantly, we had home-court advantage.  It is downright a fucking disgrace that they went out like that in Game 5, that they lost in five Games, and that they lost all three home Games in this series.

What now?  And don't give me this "the start of something great" bullshit.  Like Kirby Puckett said, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  This is a deceptively old club (Mike Conley might retire; Rudy Gobert is 31), and they're in salary cap hell.  Karl-Anthony Towns is coming under withering criticism for not playing like a superstar this series, so it might be him and his onerous contract that get shipped out to alleviate the tax bill.  Obviously this year's squad wasn't good enough this year, but how will next year's be different, and better?

None of us can predict the future.  That's why it was so goddamn important to seize the opportunity now.  And that is why I am so pissed off.  Minnesota should have beaten Dallas.  I am in unstinting belief in that.  And they let their chance go and disappear into impotent vapor.  This franchise might never be this good or this close ever, ever again.