: United FC (Last Week: Positive Numbers). Since I didn't see a lick of last Week's 2-1 Win over Austin FC, I was looking forward to these new Loons as they hosted Christian Ramirez and the defending champion Columbus Crew Saturday afternoon. And damn, I like how they played!
When you switch Managers, the new one has to be the diametric opposite of the old one. If not, then why make the change, you know? Adrian Heath was known for playing defensively, playing his favorites, and not making Substitutions even when they're obvious. That led to seven seasons of sometimes punching above their weight, but Year after Year of falling way short of the MLS Cup. I assume Interim Head Coach Cameron Knowles is implementing the tactics of newly-hired gaffer Eric Ramsey, but even if Knowles is just doing his own thing until Ramsey gets his work visa (there's a possibility Knowles is managing the next Match, Saturday at Orlando), I like what I see. MNUFC pressed and played a high line. Moreover, Knowles is using the youngsters on the club (although I have to say that Sang-Bin Jeong was playing like an absolute beast before being subbed out). I don't have any designs that these guys will hoist a trophy, but the swashbuckling style I saw was a breath of fresh air.
Now, Columbus Striker Cucho Hernandez put the Crew out in front in the 59th Minute when the Loons appeared to relax because they assumed play was going to slow down so that a couple of their subs could come onto the pitch. No matter; one of the youngbloods scored a Match-tying Goal at the death:
Tani Oluwaseyi -- it would behoove Loons fans to know how to pronounce his name -- is a 23-Year-old Nigerian whom United FC made its First-Round pick in the MLS SuperDraft of 2022. He spent some time with the minor-league side MNUFC2 in '22, and last Year he was loaned out to lower-division outfit San Antonio FC. Well, this Year he got called up to the senior team because team officials are excited about what he can bring to the squad. Equalizing after coming in at the 60th is a hell of way to get in the good graces of the supporters. Plus, like I always say, it's better to Draw by scoring the last Goal than by giving up the last Goal. This felt like a victory inside Allianz Field, so I am giving the Loons the top spot for this screening Week.
#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: 0). Uh-oh, maybe? They followed up home Wins over San Antonio and Memphis, two very bad clubs with home Losses to Sacramento (in Overtime) and the Clippers (by one Point, 89-88). I was at the Game vs. The Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies Wednesday, when they started off the Game giving up the first 13 Points. They righted the ship and were able to come back to beat the Grizz despite 1) Ruby Gobert playing only 27 Minutes and 2) getting out-rebounded, 50-39. (Bastard Vancouver got 17 Offensive Rebounds to the Timberwolves' 5!)
Unfortunately, that 2-2 screening Week has, as of press time, put them in a tie with Denver for second place in The Western Conference, a half-Game behind The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics. The team's Defense remains as stout and impenetrable as ever, but is this club running out of energy?
They finish their seven-Game homestand tonight/Monday against Portland. They then begin a six-Game road trip (which, like the seven-Game homestand before, was necessitated because Target Center is hosting The Big Ten Women's Tournament, which I will be working at) with Games at Indiana, Cleveland, and The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.1.0.
#-3: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4). A 3-1 record in The Queen City Classic being held in Charlotte right now. Beat Fordham twice and downed host Charlotte yesterday/Sunday afternoon, but in the only Game providing real competition, the Goofers were completely blanked, 8-0, to ranked Kentucky.
One more against the 49ers (or at least I think) today/Monday. They then play at North Carolina-Greensboro tomorrow/Tuesday afternoon before participating in the weekend's Tiger Invitational in Clemson, S. C. One of the teams in this tournament is ... Fordham, a team the U. just crushed twice. Sometimes I don't get softball scheduling.
#-4: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -5). Weather continues to wreak havoc on the diamond sports. This Nine is out in Sacramento. The deal was to play Pacific once and play Sacramento St. twice. That didn't happen. The operations unit was working overtime to mix and match Games. For the record, the Gophers split with the Hornets and quintupled the Tigers Sunday afternoon, 15-3.
Someone forged together another match-up against Pacific tonight/Monday night. The team then heads to Spokane, Wash. (home of Sydney Sweeney!!!) for a three-Game weekend series at Gonzaga.
#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). Won and lost in OT at Mariucci to Michigan. This team is currently seventh in the PairWise. You shouldn't drop Points like they did in that 6-5 Overtime defeat to the Wolverines in the Saturday night Game, however.
The regular season has wrapped up, and Minnesota is the 3-Seed for the B1G Tournament. They host a best-of-three series against Penn St. over the weekend; all Games are at home.
#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3). Lost Wednesday at Illinois, 105-97. Saw some crazy tweet stat that says these Gophers are the first team in the history of the top-flight men's college basketball to, like, have so few Turnovers (don't remember the number), shoot "x" percent from the field and score so many Points. And these guys lost.
They came back to beat Penn St. Saturday afternoon in comeback fashion, 75-70. The Nittany Lions led at one point in The First Half by 23 Points, but hey, they came back to win! I don't know where or even if this club will playing any postseason tourney. But you have to admit there are good vibes emanating from this program, and that's a thing you couldn't have been able to say for a long, long time.
The regular season wraps up with a home date against Indiana Wednesday and a Saturday night showdown at Northwestern.
#-7: Wild (Last Week: -1). The Mild bobos hopefully have closed all their pie holes after their beloved, immaculate squad went 1-3 this Week to fall eight Points behind Nashville for the final postseason spot in the West. Their first three opponents are all good teams, and two of them, the Predators and St. Louis, are direct competitors for a playoff berth. The Mild were outscored 12-4 in those three Matches, most notably a 6-1 emasculation that probably (hopefully?) will prove to be the death knell for this sorry bunch's postseason hopes. But hey, Kirill Kaprizov scored a Hat Truck to help beat San Jose last/Sunday night!
They have three Days off before playing at The Bastard Winnipeg Jets and at The Bastard Quebec Nordiques back-to-back. They then play their Day-After Boys' State High School Hockey Tournament matinee at the X versus said Preds.
#-8: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). This club is going back to the Final Faceoff, again, after winning Game 3 of their First Round WCHA Tournament series at Ridder vs Minnesota State-Mankato Sunday afternoon. Wait ... Game 3? Sunday afternoon? Yep, disquieting as it is, they actually lost in a First Round series for the first time since ... well, I want to say ever, but the U. Media Relations department isn't giving up that fact on their website. They dropped Game 1 on Friday, 5-4. They came back to blitz the Mavericks Saturday, 7-1 (the U. led 5-1 after the First Period), and finally broke free of the Mavs Sunday, scoring the final two Goals two Minutes apart late in the Third Period (the latter being an Empty Net Goal) to win, 3-0. But this is yet another sign that this program is no longer elite, and has no idea on how to get back to that upper echelon.
They will face Wisconsin in the Final Faceoff, which the U. has hosted since Year One of the WCHA Tournament, on Friday, but I think everyone knows that the Badgers will kick the living fuck out of the U. And then it's off to the NCAAs, where they'll make an appearance and be eliminated well short of the title Game.
Hockey, basketball (see below), volleyball ... what the fuck is happening to women's sports at the U.? They used to be the better half of the athletic program, but the main tentpoles are struggling big-time.
#-9: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6). Answering my question about this putrid squad from last Week's WMNSS, No, they will not get even a single bye in the Big Ten Tournament. They finished the regular season with inarguably the two worst Losses of this program this season, and possibly the past several. On Wednesday, Caitlin Clark made her way to Williams Arena and lit up these Golden Goofers to the tune of 33 Points. She made 8-of-14 Three-Pointers, and it felt as though she made all those threes in the First Quarter to remove all doubt as to who would win this Game. Iowa raced out to a 30-16 lead after one, doubled up the U. at Halftime, 53-26, made it 86-48 after the Third Quarter and absolutely, positively beat the shit out of Minnesota, 108-60.
But hey, the Hawkeyes are a Top 10 team. Penn St. is decent, and the Goofs were playing them in Happy Valley, but somehow the result was even worse. The Nittany Lions led 18-6 after one, 44-16 after two, 69-23 after three and finished them off by a score of 90-34. My fucking God, Minnesota was just about tripled up in the final Game of the regular season. Tripled.
The end the regular Year losing their last four, losing ten of their last eleven "contests," and an atrocious 5-13 in The Big Ten. Honestly, I don't think a BcS women's basketball team is playing worse right now than Minnesota. And I'm sorry, you can blame losing Mara Braun and any other starter that's out hurt, but this is so bad that you have to look at everyone -- coach Dawn Plitzuweit, the players, and the program itself. It is very, very difficult for me to give out a first-Year Coach mulligan when the last two tilts of this season are ass-kickings by 48 and 56 Points. There is a blatant level of uncompetitiveness that, sadly, is exposing a level of rot on this team. And there better be some radical goddamn changes.
A team that was once on the ascendancy -- ESPN.com's Charlie Creme once had the U. as an 8-Seed, believe it or not -- is now playing the First Round of the B1G, a tournament they're hosting at Target Center. They somehow are not last in the conference. That dishonor belongs to Rutgers, whom they're playing Wednesday night. And it should shock no one if the Scarlet Knights not only beat the Gophers but dehumanize them like Iowa and Penn St. just fucking did.