Now My Computer's On Its Last Legs

I forget when it happened, maybe a week ago, maybe less.  But I was surfing the Internet at home and then, suddenly, the computer shut itself off.  I thought I didn't catch the battery as it was running low on power, even though I thought I had juiced it up all the way.

So I plug it in, turn it on (everything went fine) ... and I noticed after a while of surfing some more that the battery bar I installed was maxed out.  Hmmm, that's strange.  So I unplug it seeing as there was no need to juice it up.  And I immediately unplugged the computer.

After fiddling with it a few times (overcoming the Launch Repair and Start Windows Normally screens upon boot-up), I noticed when I plugged it in again that the battery plug-in indicator light was unlit -- no green, no amber, just black.  And now it appears that my laptop isn't getting any power from my battery.  Whether it's due to a defective battery, a bad cord, or somehow the guts of my laptop isn't getting energy from a full battery, I don't know.  But it's another sign that my laptop is really, really sick.

And it's getting worse.  I now am having increasing trouble just getting my laptop started up.  It used to be that taking out the battery, holding down the power button, putting the battery back in and turning it on would work just fine.  Not anymore.  I'm typing this at the Mall of America Hooters after spending almost half an hour trying to get this fucking thing working.  It's working just fine now; I just had to take the fucking battery out.  And I don't know if I can turn it on again if I go the coffeeshop in the next hour, like I intend to.

I will say that the night my battery seemed to stop "talking" to my laptop I had put my lap on sleep mode for almost the entire evening, then unplugged it.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  Or, maybe it's a coincidence that putting it in sleep mode for an extended period of time (something I had never done before) happened at the same time my computer malfunctioned even further.

I planned on getting this stupid thing checked out at the Microsoft Store, also here at MOA, but some time when my parents were away so I can use their computer whenever I want.  I now don't know if I can hold out that long.

Being A Dick, Then Being A Pussy

So my co-worker vented to me about work yesterday.  I feel bad; I think she may have bit off a little more than she could chew.  Still, she soldiers on, just not without the stress that I did not sense until she told me.

I feel bad because there is a lot of things on her plate that I can't help her with.  Also, being that I am kind of senior person here, I should be doing more, but I'm not.  As I've said before, I couldn't deal with the distractions I felt would annoy me to no end.  Apparently they were getting to her, too.

So, even though I can't take care of all the responsibilities she had, I thought I could do one thing, namely get the other co-workers to come to me instead of her so she can concentrate on her stuff.  Therefore, when I came in this morning, I thought of this: I'm going to act like I got an e-mail from my supervisor (who was not in today) instructing her to concentrate on catching up, and I'll tell the guys not to bother her and to come with me with questions instead.  And so I did, with the subsequent intention of having them go through their problems in such a way where I expect them to do that on their own from then on.  If they don't like it, well, I gotta do me, namsain?

It worked, sort of.  They split their questions between the two of us 50/50.  That may just be force of habit, but I did keep my headphones on a lot of the time, so I didn't project an inviting social attitude, like I usually don't.  Moreover, I didn't hear too many questions, period.  It's possible that they thought that instead of asking me, they won't ask.  The place was a lot quieter today, which is great, but if that means they continue to make mistakes, we're going to see that in the back end, and that just means we're going to get pissed then instead of annoyed now, and we're just trading problems at that point.

What I did not think of, however, was that I could get in trouble from my boss.  I lied, plain and simple, in order to help my co-worker relax and just do what she needs to do.  It's going to come back to me.  He's coming back tomorrow, and one of them is going to say, "Oh, Unforgivable Wetness said in an e-mail not to bother her.  I know that's a lie, but we get the message!"  And my supervisor's going to go, "What the fuck?"  And then he'll call me out ... or just plain fire me.

So now I have to prepare for the possibility that I might get a dressing-down or an outright dismissal.  I think he'll be cool with it, but I don't really know him, so maybe I shouldn't have lied like that.  I hope he understands.

---

So the job where I think I got ridiculed?  I got a paycheck this week, and OMG, it's huge.  Well, not like I hit the lottery or anything, but it's, I believe, twice as much as I usually get for a job like this.  Shit, it's almost as much as I get for the temp job for the week.  Gotta love TV.

But I needed to make absolutely sure that wasn't a mistake.  But there is an ulterior motive: To take his temperature on where I stood with him.  Look, there's no doubt I fucked up that Sunday, and I think that one guy might still have something against me.  But I've worked with this production for a long time, and I think I've built up enough credibility that one moment (or two) of frustration won't mean I'll never be hired by them ever again.  That's what the call's for; if he's still not OK with my attitude or performance, or if he isn't as cool as I thought he was, I would then believe the exorbitant check was a way of saying thanks for my years of meritorious service and the extra money should cover the times I thought I would be working for them but won't.

I rehearse what I'm going to say.  I decide to be mousy, and cautious, almost apologetic.  After a couple deep and anxious breaths, I call.  He answers.  I explain to him the check ... and he said that is right.  And then, unbelievably, he hired me on for their next game.

Oh, so I guess I was just paranoid after all.

Or, maybe not.  Maybe that guy does like to play mind games.  Seriously, I'd like to be as resourceful for them as possible.  Shit, I know sports.  But hey, as long as I continue to get hired, I guess I won't complain too badly.  If this guy doesn't like me, too fucking bad, I'm still working for them.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher football (Last Week: -2).  Got to hand it to them.  I thought they had, uh, less than a puncher's chance of beating Nebraska -- not a good chance, and I sure as hell didn't think they would win, but the Cornhuskers were gashed on the ground several games this year, the Gophers have come off a surprising win in Northwestern, and they were playing at TCF Bank, so I could see the recipe for a victory.

Now, it really didn't look good at the outset, as Nebraska staked out to a 10-0 lead.  But give it to Head Coach Jerry Kill, Acting Head Coach/Defensive Coordinator Tracy Claeys and their men; not only did they come back to win, but they dominated Big Red for that point on, to a 34-23 upset of the ranked 'Huskers.

I give this team Positive Numbers because of what is an historic win and huge monkey off this program's back.  I remember watching Gopher football play -- well, "play" -- Nebraska September 17, 1983, where they were destroyed by Nebraska, get this, 84-13.  Even without the learned experience of watching football, the young me saw that final and went, "Whoa."  And that was right in the middle of a long, long line of beatdowns the Gophers suffered at the hands of Nebraska.  No more.  It was the first win over the Cornhuskers in 17 tries and -- and this is mind-boggling -- 53 years.

This could be the season- (and program-?) defining moment for the U. gridiron football team: With about seven minutes to go before halftime, and facing a 4th-and-10 from the opposing 33, Claeys decides to go for it.  Quarterback Philip Nelson lofts a pass in the seam to Derrick Engel, who tumbled through a double-team into the end zone.

They took a 14-10 lead with that touchdown and point after, the first time Minnesota led Nebraska since, get this, 1969.

The dominance -- the Gophers dominating the Cornhuskers? -- was irresistible from that point forward.  The U. rolled up 271 yards on Nebraska Saturday afternoon.  It was so bad that Big Red Nation is roiling in unrest over whether it's time Head Coach Bo Pelini should go.  Tommie Frazier, Nebraska QB who, I had been told a long time ago, may be the most popular player in the proud tradition of Nebraska football, wants him gone.  He's been incessantly and increasingly vocal about his displeasure with Pelini, and it reached a crescendo just after the game with this tweet:

Do I need to say anymore?
— Tommie Frazier (@TouchdownTommie) October 26, 2013

Meanwhile, surprisingly, after two weeks of him sitting up in the press box, no one is talking about Kill leaving Minnesota.  And that includes me.

(Quick recognition to Kicker Chris Hawthorne for his perfect kicking day in beating Nebraska, which got him Big Ten Special Teams Player Of The Week this week.)

Like most people, I wrote this program off after they got blitzed at home by Iowa, then followed that up with a loss in Michigan.  But maybe it took two more games before this team finally pieced it together.  And that's what's so fascinating about a college football team, or any college team in general: You have young players waiting to be molded into a cohesive force, and sometimes it just doesn't work.  But if it does, the results are both shocking and so rewarding.  For the first time in a long time, this team is something area sports fans should look forward to seeing.

And the schedule, which looked as if there was no win for the rest of the year, suddenly looks manageable, even, dare I say it, easy.  Michigan St. can't score.  Wisconsin -- well, they're very strong, but this is a college rivalry game, and they're playing here, so this team could really be up for it.  Penn St. is still recovering from the Jerry Sandusky scandal.  And this Saturday's opponent, Indiana, should be no trouble, even if they're playing in Bloomington.  Is this right?  The Gophers haven't played IU in five years, and haven't played them on the road in six?  How does the Big Ten allow that to happen?

#0: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -4).  I must be honest: I put these ladies second partly because Minnesota football is a revenue sports whose exposure and coverage naturally overshadows any of the "Olympic" sports.  It's just the way it is.  But I will say that they had an incredibly impressive week in their own right, with a pair of wins on the road, and therefore I raise these lady footballers above negative numbers.  On Thursday, in the 109th minute, just 95 seconds before the game would end in a scoreless tie, Haley Helverson took a cross and put the ball in the net, defeating Wisconsin.  Then on Sunday, Katie Thyken (who assisted on the Helverson goal against the Badgers) scored both goals (the first in the very first minute of play -- see, the first minute and the next-to-last minute!) in a 2-1 defeat of Purdue.

Thyken's three points earned the Midfielder B1G Offensive Player Of The Week, while Goalie Tarah Hobbs took Defensive Player Of The Week honors for turning away 22-of-23 shots against the Badgers and Boilermakers.  Moreover, the U., although they don't have a lofty conference record of 4-4-2, are 11-5-2 and, more importantly, are 22nd in RPI.  They should -- should be OK regardless to get into the NCAA Tournament, even if they drop the last regular season game of the year, at home against an Illinois team that has yet to qualify for the Big Ten Women's Soccer Tournament.  That game against the Illini comes Halloween afternoon.  It starts at 2 o'clock Thursday, a funky time to begin a game on a weekday, and one that forces me to miss it because I'll still be at work.  Then again, that will be Halloween Day, so they probably figure the students and families that would watch the game would be too busy with trick-or-treating or parties to get anyone to come at night.  Makes sense.

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -3).  OK, so the Gophers, the #1 Gophers, played #5 Boston College for a pair at Mariucci as part of the B1G/Hockey East Challenge.  And the first game, played Friday night, was a 3-3 tie after the five-minute overtime.  So the game officially ends in a tie ... so why in the hell are they conducting a shootout?  B.C. "won" the shootout 2-1, and thus the game, I guess, but there's no mention of that loss by the Gophers anywhere.  Officially, they sport a record of 5-0-1, not untied, but still undefeated.  Even though they were defeated.  I don't get that.  (What I also don't get are the five goals scored in the first 9:42 of Friday's game.  The Gophers scored two first, then the Eagles scored three.  I was listening to the game on the radio.  The U. scored their goals four minutes apart.  B.C. scored their three over a span of 71 seconds.  What a fucking game!)

Sunday afternoon's game was a perfect occasion to leave the house to my parents.  Got in cheap, too -- a $35 ticket cost me only $23.  And for the first time in probably ever, a scalper exactly delivered on his lofty promises when he sold me the ticket.  He said it was midrange, right at center ice.  I was just glad to get in; if I don't like the seat, I can just stand on the rail at the top of each section.  Heck, hockey games are often better far removed from the glass because that way you can see all the ice and the action.  But this seat was beyond my wildest dreams.  Second-highest row, and not only was my seat at center ice, the center red line ran right through my right leg.  I.  Was.  At.  Center.  Ice.  Seriously, this may have been the best vantage point to watch a hockey game I have ever had the fortune to get and maybe ever will get.  It was absolutely perfect.  So thank you, scalper!

And best of all I got to see a blowout by the good guys.  The four goals the Gophers scored over 12:06 in the first period sealed the win.  They handed the Eagles their asses on maroon-and-gold platters, 6-1.  Despite the tie/"loss," Minnesota managed to lasso all 50 first-place votes and retain their #1 ranking on the USCHO.com Top 20.  (By the way, if you look here you'll see that the Minnesota women's hockey team swept all 15 of its first-place votes, thereby giving the University of Minnesota the #1 ranking in both men's and women's hockey.  When was the last time that's happened?)  Next up: A break, then two at Notre Dame.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -6).  Alright, so the defending Stanley Cup champion (and hated rivals) Chicago Blackhawks took Monday's game at Xcel to the Mild, throttling them 5-1.  But that was only in response to the 5-3 shit-kicking the Wild gave the 'Hawks down in the United Center.  Game on, bros!

That disappointing but acceptable loss could have capped an incredible week.  They would have gone 4-0 had they completed the home-and-home series, and I would have had no choice but to put them in Positive Numbers and atop The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey.  Even with a 3-1 week they deserve a better ranking than this.  Each of their three wins, over Nashville, Carolina and Chicago, were by two goals.  And they scored 11 goals this screening week, a good week to overcome their continuing scoring woes.

Do you know who sticks out to me right now?  Jason Pominville, the guy the Wild traded for from Boston.  He took that sweet pass from Zach Parise in the middle of the win over the Blackhawks.  He seems to be getting revved up, and the team's pumped up with him.  You see -- if you need to win the Stanley Cup, you've got to have a Canadian on your squad.

The Wild are in the middle of a four-game homestand.  They only have two games this week: Montreal Friday, The Bastard Colorado Rockies Sunday.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -1).  Not a crime to split your two games this week.  It's Big Ten volleyball after all.  But in the WMNSS this week so many teams turned in such great weeks that I just had to differentiate, therefore one loss tumbles you all the way down here.  That defeat came at the hands of rival Wisconsin in Madison Wednesday.  The Badger program has been down for a while, but new Head Coach Kelly Sheffield has breathed new life into his new (and ranked) club.  The Gophers returned to the Sports Pavilion and beat Northwestern in four in Sunday's "Dig Pink" game.

Outside Hitter Ashley Wittman was named Player Of The Week in the B-1-G, so congratulations to her.  Wittman's team will begin the month of November by visiting the state of Indiana: Purdue Friday, Hoosiers Saturday.

#-Infinity: Vikings (Last Week: -5).  I don't know about you, but I turned off Sunday night's abortion against Green Bay late in the third.  Do you remember that 3rd-and-16, where Aaron Rodgers was scrambling but no ViQueens defender could catch him and bring him down, so Rodgers was able to fling a pass to one of the Pack's interchangeable Wide Receivers, Jarrett Boykin, who lunged and was able to get the first down?  Yeah, that's when I went into the bathroom to surf the Internet on my tablet while taking a dump.

Look, if they're going to continue to play this shitty, I might as well tag them with the -Infinity sign every week.  It's the National Football League, so massive swings in record can happen, but still, this is absolutely fucking embarrassing.  And the truth of it is, this 44-31 defeat may have been one of the team's better games.  At least they scored, right?

Given one of his dwindling chances to prove he can still in the NFL, the masterminds leashed his arm.  These are the same guys who let Josh Freeman loose for 50 or so passes.  Freeman sprayed his throws throughout Met Life Stadium.  They only let Ponder throw 21 times.  He actually made 14 of them -- all of them to his teammates!  Plus he didn't throw an interception or fumbled!  But he only threw for 145 yards and no touchdowns.

See, I understand the hate towards Ponder.  In this day and age, you need at least a competent Quarterback with a plus arm to win.  But did you see Rodgers and the Green Bay offense slice through the Vikes like they were made out of tissue paper?  Defensive End Jared Allen was caught near the end of the game mouthing something to the effect of, "This is the worst defense I've ever played on."  That is very true, Mr. Allen -- and you're on that defense.  So you might get traded by the 3 p.m. deadline today.  And it ain't just the defense: The offensive line, all five players returning from their superlative run at the end of last season, has been unfocused and undisciplined and unable to create holes for Adrian Peterson.  In short, just about everybody on that team sucks -- with the possible exception of Cordarrelle Patterson, who took the opening kickoff all the way back for a touchdown of 109 yards, tying the maximum yardage one can get in the National Football League, and a tie for the record for longest play ever.  The other record-holder is Antonio Cromartie, who scored while playing for the San Diego Chargers off a missed field goal ... against the Vikings ... also at the Metrodome.  (Do you remember that game?  It's the one where Peterson set the NFL single-game rushing record.)  With so much quirky history, it's a goddamn shame they're going to tear it down.

This Sunday they visit Dallas, which gave away a lead in that crazy game in Detroit last Sunday.  They'll be out to prove they can close out a game.  Won't be a problem against our ViQueens.

Where Did That Temp Go?

So last week, last Monday, I come in and who do I see?  One of the guys who started the temp job with me in early September!  He was gone three weeks, and I thought he was done.  I mean, I was able once to take two weeks off from another temp job to help Father tend to The Store because Mother and my sister were going to Europe.  But, well, to be frank, I didn't suck at my job the way this guy does.

I mean, don't get me wrong.  He's a really nice guy, and he probably was able to take a leave of absence because he is dealing with family issues.  But honestly, I thought what I was able to do all those years ago was something completely forbidden now.  It would make total sense for my employer to just find another person, as they have time after time after time to fill all the slots they need to for this project.  And, just like most of those guys, I thought he lost his job because he has not done a good job.

It was readily apparent that he continues to struggle with steps, and it seems as if he has let a lot of information that is wrong through down the line, to where we and a few others of us are in charge of cleaning up the claims before we take the important step of billing insurance companies, just because he didn't care.  I have seen this firsthand; I have had to go back and change around insurance policies, redo insurance numbers, and even deleting stuff he punched in in their entirety.  There was one huge mistake, which is too complicated to get into, that my supervisor has explicitly said was the #1 thing not to do, and he, through lack of focus or indifference, did it, causing my boss to spend the better part of a day changing it back.  Don't worry -- his, uh, substandard performance is something he's aware of, and something I and the other billers have told him on occasion.  He understands, and I think we all love him anyway.

The other thing about him is that he has this tendency to be, um, very expressive while sitting in front of his computer.  He is constantly furrowing his brow, sighing loudly, and cursing under his breath.  He still takes the time to ask questions of the two people he's sitting next to, one of them being me, but after a while I got a little sick of the distraction and immediately put my headphones on to shut him out.  He got the point, and so the questions he asks me are at a minimum.  Nevertheless, all the foot-stomping, finger-tapping and gesturing he does after he presumably screws something up always gets my attention.  Honestly, I was totally OK with not seeing that, and I had gotten very used to not seeing his fidgeting to my left.  In fact, seeing him back last week disappointed a part of me, won't lie.

Now to the good parts.  He's genuinely a good guy.  I can talk about sports with him.  We can shoot the bull about a lot of stuff, and we can rip on each other about stuff.  Plus -- and again, to be totally honest -- he has sucked less badly than before his leave.  Finally, and this may be a backhanded compliment, but once again, I think he can see this viewpoint, the fact that he was able to come back to work from a long leave when his work has been so poor proves that, once you reach this magical mark of claims a day, you cannot get fired before the project is over, even if you make a whale of a mistake.  That makes feel really good.  So, welcome back, friend.

Unfortunately, he took back the spot of a guy who began work here two weeks ago, the last week this other guy wasn't here.  He seemed to get the work and, unlike this one girl who quit after just one day without telling us nor indicating she wasn't liking this position, appeared to like it.  I was used to having that spot next to me completely empty.  It allowed me to spread my work to his area, and I need my space, especially with this job.  But beyond asking a couple questions (which I understood because he was just starting) he was completely quiet -- no noises or gestures, just straight-ahead working.  I liked this guy.  But that Monday, my old friend appeared and this guy was gone.

So where did he go?  Did he find another job?  Did he quit and not let on?  Or, and this is what I think happened, was he told he was being rejected, partly because my old friend said he was coming back?  He may not have reached production, but he only had three days.  I didn't reach production until my sixth or seventh day, and he only got, what, three?  If that were the case, sorry, but that is totally unfair.

And no, this doesn't have to be an either-or situation.  There is (or was, until yet another person came to start work today, and, cross your fingers, he'll be back tomorrow) a desk open.  It totally was possible for him to stay and for him to come back, and we'd be up to our full complement of flu people.  I'm pretty sure this new guy would've gotten it by now, and we'd be one well-oiled machine, laughing with each other along the way.  But, uh, no, not quite.

Still, hey, nice to see him back.

NFL Anti-Picks, Week 8

Record, Week 7: 2-3
Overall Record: 17-25
Total Outlay, Week 7: $450.00
Total Winnings, Week 7: $304.15
Loss, Week 7: $145.85
Overall Loss: $535.43

Yeah, it's been a shitty recent history for me fake betting, both on the college and pro sides.  This time I made a bad mistake going against conventional wisdom in picking Under for the Bears-Washington game (the two combined for 86 damn points, fuck me).  I thought the Patriots covering over the Jets was a fait accompli, but not only did they not cover, but they didn't even fucking win.  That's the NFL for you.  Finally, Case Keenum was shockingly competent, led Houston into Kansas City and almost eked out a win.  I definitely should not have Triple Best Bet that one.  So now I am in deep, deep trouble.

---

OK, since it's obvious I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I'll just say fuck-all and bet on everything:

1) Dallas +3 (Taking into account that oddsmakers usually hold down three points for the home team, in this case Detroit, this is essentially a push.  I just think that the Cowboys rounding into form and will surprisingly defeat the Lions) $50

2) Philadelphia -5 1/2 (The Giants are still terrible, and defeating the Vikings doesn't change that because they're the Vikings) $50

3) San Francisco -14 1/2 (Jacksonville is the worst team in the NFL, and even with their offensive struggles, the 49ers cover with relative ease) $50

4) San Francisco-Jacksonville Under 40.5 (The Niners have a hard time scoring, the Jaguars can't score at all.  This game's taking place in London, BTW) $50

5) Cleveland-Kansas City Under 39.5 (A very good Chiefs defense takes on an improving Browns defense.  This should be an intriguing matchup and chess match) $50

6) Green Bay -8 1/2 (No matter who's quarterbacking Minnesota -- it's Christian Ponder this week -- Aaron Rodgers will slice through their defense like a Ginzu knife) $50

7) St. Louis +11 (Beyond the fact that they're at home and, you know, home dogs and stuff, plus the fact that Seattle isn't stellar on the road, I'm betting this based on a hunc) $50

8) Why the fuck not?  Parlay 1), 4), 5) and 7) (my underdogs and totals bets), for $100.

Good luck!

I'm About To Wipe You From My Existence, Father

"Are you going to be in all day?  Yes?  OK, then, do the laundry and clean your room.  You have a schedule."

No, my schedule is I go on the Internet, make sure everybody knows about the game, and then I'll masturbate your mean, authoritarian words through my dick, and then I'll do whatever the fuck I want, which is nothing.  How the fuck are you gonna stop me, asshole?

OK, what I'm really going to do is Swiffer the floor while listening to Stoke City @ Manchester United on Sirius XM.  Dad, you know I already started a load of laundry, but to make your fastidious ass happy, I'll do another.  And unbeknownst to him, I already picked up most of the papers off the floor.  You're right; it was getting to be too much.  But I'm not throwing it away.  I'm putting into storage.  Because I'm a goddamn packrat, OK?

They left, so I think I can leave after I half-ass cleaning the rest of the room.  He can't stop me.

College Football Anti-Picks, Week 9

Record, Week 8: 3-8
Total Record: 21-29
Total Outlay, Week 8: $725.00
Total Winnings, Week 8: $402.85
Loss, Week 8: $322.15
Overall Loss: $520.90

Yeah, I took this week on the chin.  The day started promising when I picked Missouri to beat Florida outright, cashing in on the Against The Spread and Straight-Up wagers.  But it started off with me losing out on the Under on Texas Tech-West Virginia (which in retrospect was a very dumb play), and after nailing the Over on Akron-Miami (OH), I lost everything else.  Picking underdogs UCLA and Clemson, both ATS and SU, and then roping them into parlays, tripled up my losses.  So now I am in a huge hole rounding into November.

---

I was kind of desperate last week to climb out of my debt.  But all I did was dig myself deeper -- which means all I can do is get even more desperate.  Not necessarily desperate in throwing money at every game tomorrow, but instead I'm going to rely more on the trends Covers sees and betting a bit more recklessly.  Ah, who am I kidding, I'm betting fucking everything:

1) Iowa -3 1/2 (I don't understand what the Covers columnist meant, but apparently there are these layers of conditions, kind of like whenever Northwestern comes off a loss and the opponent has won their last four games during the day when it was really windy out or something, that indicate that odds are the Wildcats will lose this game.  Sure, OK, Best Bet this) $100

2) Miami -24 (Trends favor the Hurricanes and away from Wake Forest.  Also, this week Miami was largely spared of punishment from booster-related activities, and I think that'll give the 'Canes, who are playing at home, a lift of exhoneration) $50

3) Nebraska -10 (I would like to think that Minnesota turned the corner when upsetting Northwestern on the road, but the Cornhuskers have always beaten the shit out of the Gophers, and even though they'll be playing in Minnesota, there's nothing on paper that screams that this game will different) $100

4) N.C. St. +32 (They're in Florida St., who are very good.  But the Wolfpack have had a week to prepare, and the previous week the Seminoles crushed Clemson in Clemson.  Can you say emotional letdown?  And have you seen that line?  Triple Best Bet this) $150

5) Clemson -16 1/2 (They'll be at Maryland looking to get rid of the bad taste of losing at home to Florida St. in a nationally-televised game.  The Terrapins are not that good.  And all the trends favor the Tigers) $50

6) Tulsa -3 (A friend, who is starting up an odds website that I don't want to name yet, just published this on its facebook.  He's a friend; how can I not trust him?) $50

7) Wyoming +8 1/2 (My friend recommends this, too) $50

8) Missouri -3 (Trends favor the host Tigers, plus visiting South Carolina, with so many high hopes to begin the season, is on the precipice of a huge fall.  Best Bet this) $100

9) Georgia St. +14 (This Covers columnist, Marc Lawrence, has this stat that basically concludes that we all should fade host Louisiana-Monroe.  Best Bet this) $100

10) Arizona-Colorado Over 56 (Friend says this as well) $50

11) San Diego St. +7 1/2 (Trends favor the Aztecs.  They host Fresno St., one of the two remaining undefeated non-BcS teams this year [Northern Illinois is the other].  It would make sense if the Bulldogs go down, so Best Bet this Against The Spread ...) $100

12) San Diego St. M/L +249 (... and then bet them Straight Up) $50

13) Washington -28 (Even with the huge line, the Huskies host Cal, whom Lawrence says will get crushed because the planets are aligned.  Best Bet this, then cross your fingers) $100

14) Covers parlay: 1) with 9) with 13), for $50.

15) My friend's recommendations, parlayed together: 6), 7) and 10), for $25.

Good luck!

The Voices In My Head Are My Enemies

Should say this, for I've known a long time: I have voices in my head.  They're not voices of doubt, they are voices of, well, hate.  I hear them whenever I screw something up or I'm in a situation where I'm really tense and frazzled.  They say things like, "You're so stupid," or, "I knew you were gonna fuck this up."  And then, sometimes I can envision a face -- and it's one of one of the people I hate.

It takes the image of My Fucking Father from time to time whenever he's being a dick to me.  For a long time it was that munchkin-like bitch usher who forced me to leave the theaters for good.  Goddamn, she still pisses me off.  From time to time to guy from the team pops into my head.  But recently, it's that fat fuck from the production that torments me.  Man, what a manipulative asshole.

These usually disembodied voices come to me at least once a day, maybe many times over the course of a situation that's really shitty.  I don't think I'm schizophrenic.  But I'm sure most people don't "feel" their voices of hate (or doubt) the way I do.

Just wanted to say.

Addendum To: OK, *Now* I Know We're Giving Up The Store. I Think. Maybe.

Just as I was coming up from downstairs after Mother was freaking the fuck out about why the green light on the humidifier was on, My Father beckons me into his bedroom.  There, lying on his bed so still he seems paralyzed, he reminds me to look at the contract he gave me last week.  It's one about the sale of one of his real estate properties in town.  He wants this contract to be the template of the one for the sale of The Store, only he basically wants a non-warranty clause -- kind of like you see those huge signs taped to the windows of used cars, with two boxes, one next to "WARRANTY" and the other next to "AS IS," you know?

And then he says the sale of The Store could be complete by next week.

Gulp.

So I'm starting work yesterday, and since our supervisor wasn't there at the top of the hour, I took it upon myself to get the key so we can get to work.  While getting it, one of my co-workers tells me, in a whisper but far enough away from me that, in order for me to hear her, spoke loud enough for people close by to hear, that she could see a "red spot" in my pants.

Yeah, I did feel that boil on my ass yesterday while sitting on my chair.  It was pretty bad, apparently.

My first thought was, "How dare she?!"  She's a weird bird.  She makes a lot of mistakes in her work.  She is very needy and helpless.  And she always blurts out questions from across the way, which is a problem because she never says, "Hey, Unforgivable Wetness!"  In fact, I don't think she knows my name, or the name of any of the other billers.

There is another girl there who joined the project the same day as I whom she goes to all the time.  She's great; in fact she's been so patient despite the fact that she has asked her questions so often, and she asks them not by walking up to her and saying, "Excuse me," but by turning around her chair and just shouting her question in her direction, as if she's supposed to know that she is speaking to her.  How arrogant of her.  If she was shouting at me, and if she kept shouting at me, I would have tuned her out by now.  It's probably a good thing I put my radio headphones on and project a negative social attitude as soon as I sit down.  I could not take her fucking questions because she's become so damn annoying.

Add to the fact that she has consistently fucked up her work even after she gets her stupid questions asked, however, and it makes me think twice about her saying that because she's being mean.  I don't think that was her intent, and I say that mostly because I don't think she's smart enough to be that cunning.  Now, she may not have cared if anybody else knew that there was a red spot in my pants, but she could have known that and still thought it was important for me to know.  That indicates she doesn't have, or doesn't care for, discretion.  That's a big difference from being mean.

What did I do?  Well, after realizing that I couldn't open my boss' drawers, and before I could think up another way of getting to our work, I thanked her.  I'm going to assume that she alerted me from a place of concern, not ridicule.  Hey, I have to see her every day.

Later, though, I went to the bathroom.  I underestimated how bad that spot was.  My boil seeped through my underwear enough that there indeed was a huge splotch on my khakis.  It is very conspicuous, and I could not use my shirt to hide it.  It was large enough for me to believe that if she had not told me, I would have felt burned when I finally saw it, either after I got home or even the next day, that no one had told me.

Guess this is getting to be a problem.  At least I now have health insurance to deal with it ... some day.

House Got Broken Into This Afternoon

Had coffee after work.  Just got into my car to go home when I checked my phone.  "Private" left me a message, "Private" meaning my parents.  Called them while I was less than a mile from home.

Someone broke into our house.  They broke in from the basement, set off the alarm, looked around quickly downstairs, moved upstairs and got into my room before finally getting out of there through the front door.

So far as I can tell, the intruder(s) stole nothing.  I dropped my camera and tablet on the floor, and he or they didn't take them.  There's an old iPhone I threw in one of my drawers, and either they didn't see it or they overlooked it.  Shit, I have cash laying out on my desk, and even though they went through a couple of my desk drawers, he or they left the cash.  What they/he did do is open up a lot of drawers, turn over a long box of chocolate that he/they probably looked through thinking it was a jewelry box (Father thinks the person or people was or were looking for jewelry), take down and open up Grandmother's old jewel case (containing nothing but checks and notepads), and rifle through the receipts in my desk.  And while I don't like having our domicile invaded, I have to smile thinking that he or they left in frustration going, "Fuck, the only thing in there were a bunch of fucking papers!"

I regret not coming home sooner.  Apparently the alarm system called home and my parents around 4:30, where I was about a mile away from home.  Can't tell my folks, but if my car was in the driveway, he or they would have had second thoughts about coming in.  At least the only thing missing is a basement window that they smashed to get in.

If the police ever find you, we're nailing your fucking ass to the wall.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3).  Have to give the top spot to the U. volleyballers.  Although they were at home this weekend, and a 2-0 screening week isn't rare with this program, they did defeat both Michigan teams when they both were in the AVCA Top 25, and that is still very good.  The more impressive of the two victories came before a crowd of 4,782 at the Sports Pavilion for a very rare Thursday night game shown on, of all places, ESPN2.  Before a worldwide cable audience, the Gophers gave the surprise squad of the Big Ten, once-#5-seed Michigan St., its first loss of the year.  And it was a very compelling five-set win, where the Gophers came back from 1-0 and 2-1 deficits to take Sets 4 and 5.  I had thought about going to this game, but I was too wiped out after work and I decided to go home instead.  Boy, do I regret that.  They followed that big win with a four-set victory over then-#16 Michigan in front of 5,638 fans Saturday evening.

For her efforts, Middle Blocker Hannah Tapp was named B1G Freshman Of The Week, and for its efforts, the team has powered up three spots in the AVCA Top 25 to 7th.  This week: Wednesday at Wisconsin, which is enjoying a resurgence under new Head Coach Kelly Sheffield, then Sunday afternoon (good timing; the Vikings game is the Sunday night game) at home against Northwestern.

#-2: Gopher football (Re-Entry!).  I didn't think they could do it.  A promising start to the season runs into the brick wall of conference play.  Then, team's Head Coach announced over the bye week that he's taking a leave of absence to deal with his epileptic seizures.  Somehow, however, the Gopher football team goes into Evanston, Ill., and upsets Northwestern, which was ranked earlier in the year, 20-17.  The key stat: Turnovers -- none from the U., but three by Northwestern.  What may also have been crucial to the upset was a surprise halftime pep talk by Head Coach Jerry Kill, who drove down to Chicagoland with his wife and watched the whole game from the Offensive Coordinator's press box.   And now it's not so unreasonable (even though the schedule is still quite daunting) to think the program can notch that ever-elusive sixth win, making them eligible for a bowl game and kickbacks for both the coaching staff and athletic administrators.  I doubt it'll come Saturday afternoon when they host Nebraska, but hey, I didn't think they could beat the Wildcats last Saturday afternoon.

#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Sweep at Bemidji St., which propels them to the #1 spot in USCHO.com's Top 20 poll.  The sweep of the Beavers is to be expected, though far from predictable.  Combined score of the two games was 11-4.  Can't complain, although it's not like they beat two Top 25 teams or pulled off an upset of a better club on the road.  The next series should prove to be a tougher test: They come home to Mariucci and face off against #5 Boston College for a pair Friday night and Sunday afternoon (at 1 o'clock -- the same time as the volleyball game, in fact) for the inaugural Big Ten/Hockey East Challenge.

#-4: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -4).  A disappointing homestand: A 2-2 tie Friday against Iowa where they fell behind in the 5th minute and then coughed up the lead in the 67th minute, followed by a 1-0 loss on a beautiful, overcast, rainy Sunday afternoon to the conference leader, Nebraska.  It was a pretty nifty goal, to the Cornhuskers' credit.  In the 24th minute Katie Kraeutner crossed to the far half of the Minnesota goal.  Jordan Jackson, who was running like hell all game, was being marked loosely by two Gopher players but somehow dove low and headed the ball back to the other half of the net.  It was the first loss they suffered at Elizabeth Lyle Robbie Stadium, and unfortunately I had to witness it.  It'll probably be the last game I see there all year; the final home game is set for Halloween afternoon.

The RPI board hasn't been updated yet, but I think they remain in good shape.  I would not relax, however, taking the final roadtrip of the regular season: Wisconsin Thursday and Purdue Sunday.

#-5: Vikings (Last Week: -Infinity).  Wow ... they looked just as somnambulant in Monday night's loss at the Giants as they did at home last week to Carolina.  It's maddening because, watching pretty much the whole game, the G-Men are not good this year, not at all.  This was a game for the taking.  And yet they generated barely any more energy tonight/last night as they did against the Panthers.  The defense was OK, the special teams wowed you whenever they didn't break your heart (two return turnovers???), but the offense ... pee-yew.

I'm already ready to dump Josh Freeman.  As inaccurate as Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel were, I was gobsmacked, absolutely astonished at how errant Freeman was.  This Giants defense was terrible; ViQueens receivers were open.  And Freeman missed them -- horribly, comically.  A decent Quarterback -- shit, Ponder the last four games of the regular season -- would have been able to connect enough times to soundly beat New York.  But instead they went out like bitches, and Purple Shame fans can now justifiably put Freeman in the trash alongside Ponder and Cassel.  Shit, with the way things are going right now, Joe Webb doesn't look so bad.

What the fuck else is there to say?  They host Green Bay for Sunday Night Football, the second straight national showcase where America can truly see how wretched the Vikes are.  The Packers should be favored by at least three touchdowns.

#-6: Wild (Last Week: -2).  That promising start?  Yeah, bury that alongside the promise of previous Mild teams.  They finished a winless week, losing all three games on the road.  Yeah, yeah, the last one to the Florida Panthers was in a shootout, but they still wound up losing.  Meanwhile Colorado upset the Pittsburgh Penguins Monday night and they're the shit all of a sudden.  They play four games this screening week: home to Nashville and The Bastard Hartford Whalers, then a home-and-home with the Chicago Blackhawks, who should be our natural rivals.

My Anxiety Over Last Week Has Subsided, Kind Of

I'm not talking to myself and/or angrily gesturing at the people who pissed me off at work last week.  Wait, that's not true at all.  The past two, three days the talking to myself and/or angrily gesturing at nobody has subsided.  More important, my feelings of embarrassment, frustration and defensiveness has ebbed as well.

Why?  I don't think this is growing up.  I'm not over it, per se.  But anything I could have done to remedy the situation and make sure I get employed in the future is probably too late by now.  Sure, I could call up my supervisor and make sure things are still cool between us, but if things are already cool between us, I think calling him up would make me look weird, and then I won't get hired again, which means I screwed up something that wasn't really screwed up.  For all I know they've forgotten about what I did and said last Sunday.  I'm not quite sure, I think they have the capacity to be kind of dickish, but anything that could remedy any bad feelings between us would only make things worse if I try something a week after the fact.  Either they're going to hire me back or they won't.  Nothing like time and inertia to settle things, and thus my feelings about them.

NFL Anti-Picks, Week 7

Record, Week 6: 3-2
Overall Record: 15-22
Total Outlay, Week 6: $300.00
Total Winnings, Week 6: $381.80
Gain, Week 6: $81.80
Overall Loss: $389.58

OK, this is a small start to digging out of a hole.  I was right in at least one thing: The Patriots-Saints game turned out to be as great a shootout as Broncos-Cowboys.  And without that last-minute touchdown pass by Tom Brady, I would not have won the Over 50.5 on that game, which finished 30-27.  As for Covers' Power Rankings, it was right on the Chiefs -8 but was wrong on the Jets -1 (the Jets lost to PIttsburgh 19-6).  I don't know if I should continue to track it.

---

I think it's time to finally give you the reason and genesis behind these Anti-Picks.  It really started when Father and I took a vacation to Las Vegas together.  It just so happened to be the first weekend of March Madness, the college men's basketball tournament.  I have heard that there is no better to place to watch all the games going on simultaneously (let alone wagering on those games) than in Vegas, specifically the cathedral-like fussilade of big screens in the sportsbook in Caesar's Palace, which we just so happened to be staying in.  Also, ever since I got hooked into making my brackets, I wanted to see if I could put up or shut up when it comes to going whole hog and actually betting money on these tournament games.

Not that it would be my money.  When we got into our room for the first time, Father asked me if I had any money to bet with.  He then gave me $1,000.  I didn't really want to use his money, especially knowing that my brackets have never won any pool I've been in; what's to say that my performance won't be just as shitty when just wagering on games?  But I really didn't bring any cash with me to Vegas, so although I think I said I didn't need his money, I took the money, all of it.  Pretty soon, I went downstairs and perusing all the lines.  I took the bus to the nearest library from the Strip to print out advanced statistics, thinking that was the edge to solve the oddsmakers.  And Wednesday evening I finally laid my -- well, Father's -- money down on the tourney.

And then I got my ass handed to me.  It didn't help that I spent a lot of money on multi-leg parlays, and that all of them were upsets of high seeds by low seeds, but regardless, I lost bet after bet after bet.  My most memorable beat was Xavier in the second round eventually losing to Ohio St.  This was the game where the Buckeyes overcame what appeared to be an insurmountable deficit and hit a three off a missed one-and-one by the Musketeers to tie the game and send it to overtime, where they won.  I picked Xavier +8 with the thinking that they would win the game outright.  With that miracle three to tie, Ohio St. went on to win by ... 8.  I could have used the emotional boost by nailing an upset, but I wound up with a push, just getting my money back.

I lost that grand Father gave me.  This was my worst nightmare, following my dream of being in Vegas during The Best 72 Hours In American Sport and actually betting, and losing just about everything.  Losing money in Vegas isn't anything new; the money I pissed away, however, was a cold slap in the face.

And yet I can't help but bet.  I always think I can beat the odds.  I just don't think I can repeat what I did in Vegas and lose my shirt -- well, lose Father's shirt.  And so I did what I saw a couple other people do and blog about what bets I would make if I was in Vegas and had money.  The term "Anti-Pick" is supposed to be a hook, but there is some truth there.  If I am so bad at picking games, it stands to reason that anybody who does the opposite will make a fortune.  I started doing this on MySpace several years ago, and after it shut down its blogging feature to become a de facto music website, I decided to move it here.

So now you know.

---

Better get on with it:

1) Chicago-Washington Under 49.5 (I think I read one guy say that this definitely was going to go Over.  I will Anti-Pick in order to post this Anti-Pick) $50

2) New England -3 1/2 (I don't see how they lose to the Jets, especially at home.  Also, Covers' Power Rankings say they should beat the J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! BY 7.  Best Bet this) $100

3) Dallas +2 1/2 (Covers say Philadelphia should lose only by half a point.  So why are they projected as the favorite?  Not only should I Best Bet this Against The Spread. ...) $100

4) Dallas M/L +126.5 (... and then give some side money on the Cowboys winning Straight-Up) $50

5) Kansas City -6 1/2 (They're playing at Arrowhead, now officially recognized by The Guinness Book Of World Records as The Loudest Stadium On Earth.  The opponent, the Houston Texans, will start Case Keenum.  No offense to Case Keenum, but he ain't no Peyton Manning.  Triple Best Bet this) $150.

No parlays this week.  Good luck!

College Football Anti-Picks, Week 8

Record, Week 7: 2-7
Total Record: 18-21
Total Outlay, Week 7: $600.00
Total Winnings, Week 7: $190.90
Loss, Week 7: $409.10
Overall Loss: $198.75

The day started off well with me getting both Big Ten picks right.  Then it quickly went downhill.  I dropped every Anti-Pick after going 2-0, especially with making two bets on the Baylor game.  That sent me plunging through my bankroll floor, going from a good size up to really deep in the hole.  Just like that, in one week.

Moral of the story: Bet only on Big Ten games.

---

But I won't just bet only on Big Ten games, because this is all fake:

1) Texas Tech-West Virginia Under 57.5 (Both teams' starting Quarterbacks probably won't play.  That might mean that this will be a shootout, especially if both defenses are bad against the pass.  I don't know that because I did not research this well.  What I'm saying is this is a guess) $50

2) Missouri +3 (Host Florida, which has hung tough since they lost their starting QB.  An SEC matchup, so I revert back to betting on home dogs.  And since I think the Tigers have a chance to win outright, I'll play these guys Against The Spread. ...) $100

3) Missouri M/L +133 (... then bet on them Straight-Up) $50

4) Akron-Miami (OH) Under 45.5 (Zips have one win; Redhawks are winless and just fired their Head Coach.  I don't think that points to offensive aptitude) $50

5) UCLA +4 1/2 (They are visiting Stanford, but I really do believe that not only are the Cardinal gettable, but that the Bruins are the better team.  So I'm going to Best Bet this ATS. ...) $100

6) UCLA M/L +169 (... then lay some money on them SU) $50

7) Indiana +9 1/2 (I don't think they'll win in Michigan, but the Wolverines are very vulnerable this year, and if their win over Penn St. is any indication, the Hoosiers aren't exactly pushovers.  Best Bet this) $100

8) Clemson +3 (Home dog, plus Florida St. has a history of disappointing in big games.  Why aren't the Tigers favored here?  They should be.  OK, Double Best Bet this ATS. ...) $100

9) Clemson M/L +137 (... then wager some skin SU) $50

10) ATS Best Bets: Parlay 2). 5) and 8), for $50.

11) SU Best Bets: Parlay 3), 6) and 9), for $25.

Good luck!

With all this stress over potentially losing my job and the boredom of waking up early after going to sleep early, I had no choice but to masturbate (well, I did have a choice, but after dinking around for a bit on the Internet I decided to rub one out) last night/early this morning.  Thing is, after I cashed in on the hard-on I woke up with, I did it again.  And then I did it a third time.

Three times in about 3 1/2 hours.  I remember wanking off three times one night because I wanted to see how quickly I could do it three times.  So this is the second time, only this time all three jerk-offs felt really, really natural.  (I also took more time rather than the, I think, 12 minutes I tried to pleasure myself thrice).  Not only did this morning take me back to my adolescence, but my hormones were actually working better than they were 20 years ago.  I've still got it!

The Four Passive-Aggressive Things He Said To Show Me He's Superior To Me

1. "He's my go-to stats guy."
2. "If it's a sack, we'll call it out."
3. "We're all in the same truck."  (The more I think about it, the more this really irks me.)
4. "If you don't make it back by opening kickoff, don't worry about it."  (He knew I wasn't going to make it back, didn't he?  Wouldn't that be information I would like to know?

---

Yeah, I was copping attitude.  I should have not been so frustrated.  I was not a model employee.  But does that excuse his behavior?  I don't think so.  He can get away with it not because I popped off to him, but because he is a superior.

So, no, I have no control over whether I will continue to be hired by these guys, and that's why I continue to obsess over this.  They could totally say, "Oh, I don't know what happened to him, but there are other guys, and I like them more, so we'll hire them instead."  And it's totally within their right, and that means I will lose a lot of opportunities to burnish what I like to believe is a career.  OK, so it's not full-time or anything, but I still would like to work for this company.  Just without the attitude and the passive-aggressive bullshit like those comments above, that's all.

And ooh, there's that other guy, totally shouting about the banners with that guy!  I was right there.  You see, if you get mad about the banners, you would be mad towards me because I put up the banners.  But do you tell me, or even just yell at me?  No.

Maybe they're just going to let it go.  I could be totally blowing this out of proportion.  Shit, man, hopefully I'm blowing all of this out of proportion.  Maybe he didn't mean the things he said ... well, no, I'm pretty sure he did.  But maybe he doesn't give a shit, so I'll be hired back anyway.  The problem is is that I won't know for at least a month.  The waiting's the hardest part.  Maybe things will blow over.  Maybe I'll be able to forget and not blog about it by then.  This is absolute fucking torture.

Shoot, and if these guys find out about it ... well, now you know.  What are you gonna fucking do about it?

My Unsuccessful Attempt To Free Myself Of My Backpack

I think I've brought my backpack to work every day since I started.  Remembered that I would probably need my satellite radio if we got to work that day, and it was natural to put my mobile get-up in my backpack to bring with me so I wouldn't die of boredom while working.  I think I used it that day.

I've brought my backpack ever since, even though I have left my satellite radio mobile device at work because I had no need to bring it with me.  I realized, in fact, that I wasn't taking anything out of my backpack during my workday.  Some days I left it completely closed.  Basically I was carrying a ten-pound weight two times a day.

Last night I conked off trying to make it through Letterman's monologue (although I'm not saying it made me fall asleep; I was just tired) and, after waking up just long enough to see my clock watch said close to five in the morning, I was woken up by that clock watch.  This was a very rare morning where I had some time to get up and think (although it was mostly about my bad Sunday working the game).  Finally, I decided just before bolting out the door that, what the hell, why am I carrying my backpack with me when I don't use it at all.  So today marked the first day I went to work carrying absolutely nothing.  And I felt free!

But then I got to work and, 30 yards before the front door, I realized why I had brought my backpack every day.  I have several reasons, in fact:

• I throw my work badge and card in there.  Every day.  I remember keeping it in there for safe keeping and telling myself that I would never forget it if I brought it every day.
• My chargers, both for my phone and tablet, are in there.  I didn't need them now, but I remember that once in a while I would bring my tablet and charge it at work so I wouldn't expend any of my parents' money doing it at home.  My cell's getting low on energy now.  Hell, I think I recharged my tablet there Monday.
• The debit card I earned working the taste test a few weeks ago is in there.  And I planned to get gas and pay for it with that debit card after work.  I thought about going home and then getting it, but assuming that the debit card doesn't expire in, like, the next two weeks, I'll just use it for gas some other time.

So the backpack's useful after all.  Must remember to bring it, from now on. ...

The Sins We All Bear When It Comes To Bullying

Spent a Thursday evening just after eating dinner many weeks ago poring though the latest Entertainment Weekly, which comes in the mail on Thursdays these days.  Hadn't sat on my bed and just read through an EW in a long time.  Sometimes I take it into the bathroom with me, but usually I go to the charticle at the end of the issue, "The Bullseye," then leaf through it, then toss it aside and promise myself to look through it at a later date.  But hey, it was summer, and there was nothing on free TV on a Thursday that compelled me to watch, so I spent a long time going through the whole mag.

Unfortunately, an advertisement, something I usually totally ignore without a problem, stopped me in my tracks.  I usually get swept away on a plane of bliss and Hollywood ego, but this was a crash back to reality.  It had only (one phrase): "Everybody hates you."  It is part of the StopBullying.Gov campaign.

I was bullied in junior high and high school.  I can say, without a doubt, that it has affected my life forever.  But I didn't hear the phrase, "Everybody hates you."  I said this.  It was to a girl in a Knowledge Bowl competition from another high school whose mom was my teacher in my high school, in a class which many of us thought she taught poorly.  I remember, vividly, me and my friends on our Know Bowl team talking about her and her mom when I came up and put my arm around this girl and said, "We all hate your mom."

I heard in a Knowledge Bowl later in the school year, one in which I couldn't go, she blurted to my schoolmates what I said to her, only I think she said it like that comment hurt her.

I was trying to be truthful in a joking way.  What I really did was bully her.  I regret ever saying that.  And I will never live that down, nor should I.

Seems that efforts to stop bullying have exploded in the past few years.  I'm totally in favor of that.  The sort-of new phenomenon of cyberbullying has driven some teenagers into suicide.  Man, if I grew up in times like these, I could very well have been one of them.

That's why I fully support arrests of these cyberbullies.  Tuesday authorities in Florida arrested a 14- and a 12-year-old girl for taunting a 12-year-old girl into jumping off a tower.  Legal experts say that there's little chance these two bitches will ever serve time.  Fuck that.  They know what they did.  Charge them as adults, and I want those two cunts to rot behind bars for what they did to that little girl.

I should be more active in anti-bullying efforts.  But beyond laziness, something troubling is holding me back: My hypocrisy.  Don't doubt this: I was bullied way more times than I bullied.  But I have to admit that I dished out some not-so-nice teasing from time to time.  And more than either, I watched a lot of bullying.  All these anti-bullying campaigns tell kids to speak up when you see someone get bullied.  What did I do when I saw someone get bullied?  Nothing, I'm afraid to confess.  So how can I implore other people to act when all I did was stand by and watch?

Maybe that realization is just a cop-out not to do the right thing now.  But if I ever blind myself into thinking I was 100% bullied and become public in fighting like hell to combat it, I know there will be someone in high school or junior high or elementary school who'll come up to me and say, "No!  You bullied me!  You made my life a living fucking hell!"  And then I wouldn't be able to help but feel that the emperor has no clothes.

Again, I don't think I was an asshole.  Leave that to the jocks and losers in my high school.  But although only the meanest among us would deny that bullying is bad, deep down I think we all know of a time where we were not nice to a person because we wanted to be assholes.  And it is he or she who is without sin that may cast the first stone.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Lynx (Last Week: -2).

I was wrong.  My fears that they would get wiped out by the Atlanta Dream, depriving them of a Women's National Basketball Association for the second year in a row, were overblown.  Way overblown.  They followed a 25-point crushing in Game 1 with another 25-point crushing in Tuesday's Game 2, and then they finished off the Dream and the WNBA season by beating Atlanta 86-77 Thursday to sweep the WNBA Finals 3-0.

The Lynx won the way they won all season: Balance.  The starting five of Maya Moore, Seimone Augustus, Lindsay Whalen, Rebekkah Brunson and Janel McCarville -- the five best players that play together on the team, all of them healthy when it mattered the most -- all scored in double digits in the closeout game.  Head Coach Cheryl Reeve kept the rotation short; she basically used seven players during the postseason.  But each of them did what they needed to do when the team needed her the most.  In a continuing changing of roles, WNBA Finals Most Valuable Player Maya Moore became the lead scorer.  Meanwhile, the Lynx MVP from two years ago, Augustus, shifted her duties to the defensive end, primarily locking down Dream #1 Angel McCoughtry; she shot just 28.5% for the series.  You could make a very good case that she should have been MVP again.  And let us not forget the steady battlefield presence of Whalen (whom I was wrong about; she is both durable and steady at the point), the rebounding prowess of Brunson, which I think gets lost in the shuffle too often, and the shot- and play-altering presence of McCarville, who was the post patrol the team needed after Taj McWilliams-Franklin retired.

Once again, I ask all Twin Cities sports fans to take a look at the Lynx.  Unlike the ViQueens, the Twinks, the Mild, the Woofie Dogs, the Goofs and even the Smarm, this team, after years of mediocrity and worse, has proven that talent, smarts and hustle could equal a dominating team in Minnesota.  Those who diminish the team's feat of winning two titles in three years are misogynists who think they're better off alone in their basements talking about the shitty men's professional sports teams because girl's sports aren't real sports.  Guys, we are in the middle of what could be considered a dynasty.  Assuming all five starters come back healthy and don't begin to age rapidly, why not think they can lift the trophy again?  And why not pile on the bandwagon of a winner?

By the way, because they won a championship, they are off The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey until they end a season short of a championship.  Which means that, for the second summer in three years, the Twinks will be the only entrant for many surveys.

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!).  They start off a new season, and a new era, by winning the tournament that opens up the entire top-flight college hockey season, the Ice Breaker Tournament, over the weekend.  And against, uh, not quite the top tier of talent, the host Gophers crushed Mercyhurst 6-0 and outlasted New Hampshire 3-2.

That's a good start for a program that is expected to fall back a bit, two years after reaching the Frozen Four but returning from an embarrassing overtime upset loss in the first round of last year's NCAA Tournament to a 4-seed that, surprisingly, won the championship -- Yale.  Instead of trying to pick up the pieces of a shameful exit, many on the team decided to turn pro, echoing the troubling days when the Gophers failed to make the tourney because Assistant Coach Mike Guentzel wasn't there.  He's still there, but the players are gone.  I don't get it.  Whatever the case, there is turnover, and at the very least they're a year away from contending for a title.

This weekend they start WCHA play early when they visit Bemidji St. ... wait a second, they're not in the WCHA anymore!!!  Oh, silly me.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -5).  I was not aware of this until this week.  Do you remember two years ago, when the Mild had that fantastic start to the season, even made it to the best record in the National Hockey League, and after a tough loss to The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers they pudded out so fucking bad that they missed the playoffs entirely?  Advanced sabermetrics, the wave of newfangled information that has overtaken baseball and is about to annex basketball, foresaw the team's collapse.  There were a few that saw this, some earlier and some maybe better, but I'm going to link to SB Nation's Derek Zona because he distilled other people's statistics and postulated that the number of shots the 2011 Wild took were so low that the ramifications from not having the puck enough during the game to take more shots were going to come back and bite the club in the ass.  Zona published this piece November 30, 2011.

I have no idea how the team's Fenwick Tied is so far this season, but I think any enthusiasm in the wake of its recent turnaround should be tempered because of the chicken-choke they pulled two years ago.  Don't get me wrong; ripping off three wins in a row, all in regulation, is a great thing.  But they are suffering through early injury woes, including the loss of Niklas Backstrom.  In fact, the team is going not with back-up Josh Harding but Darcy Kuemper for tonight's tilt with the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Oh, and speaking of the Leafs ... Grantland's Sean McIndoe believes that this year's Toronto team is the Minnesota Wild two years ago.  What a coincidence.  Most of its rabid fan base, like the less rabid fans of the Mild, are up in arms that McIndoe thinks the Maple Leafs are going to face a nasty regression to the mean because they suck possessing.  They probably don't understand advanced stats like Fenwick or Corsi, but after seeing a few articles (after spending some nights in stops and starts since I became aware of hockey sabermetrics a few years ago) I'm starting to believe that these metrics are onto something.  And if that's the case, maybe the Wild will get this game tonight.

They began a four-game road trip last night in Buffalo, where longtime Sabre Jason Pominville scored the game-winner against the organization he came up with.  The squad finishes the road trip this screening week, with trips to Tampa Bay and Florida.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -4).  Do moral victories count?  After getting their asses handed to them in Nebraska, I'm sort of OK with them going down to defeat in #4 Penn St. because they lost in five and won sets after being down 1-0 and 2-1.  That's a sign of fortitude, I guess.  However, I do not want to give short shrift to them sweeping at #14 Ohio St.  Middle Blocker Tori Dixon won Big Ten Defensive Player Of The Week honors for her efforts in the program's 1-1 week.

OK, so this team is still very good but not championship material, right?  They are home this weekend for games against Michigan St. Thursday (a match that recently was moved back an hour because it's going to be televised on ESPN2) and Michigan Saturday.

#-4: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -1).  The side's unbeaten streak ended at three after dropping a 2-0 decision at Northwestern.  And at this point it'd be a good time to check how they're doing in the Ratings Percentage Index, the oft-derided measurement that the NCAA probably uses as the main, if not the sole, determinant in picking the women's soccer field for the tournament.

And as of press time, they are ... 21st!  That's really good!  Wins at home against ranked Penn St. and at ranked Michigan, along with an unbeaten (6-0-1) record at Robbie Stadium, gives the team a lot of cushion in which to maintain good stead for the postseason, even with the setback against the Wildcats.

I should be free to see this weekend's games against Iowa and Nebraska.  Wow, I've only missed one home game so far this season.  And I haven't yet been to a volleyball game yet.

#-5: Swarm (Re-Entry!).  Their season doesn't start for another two months.  But it seems as if it's going to be their last.

That's the sense you get after seeing this (desperate) letter from John and Andy Arlotta, owners of the Swarm.  In reaction to main sponsor Treasure Island Resort & Casino pulling its money, the Arlottas posted (and e-mailed) this call to action.  I take a few things away from this missive:

1. I've started to realize that I'm not all that enamored with, well, everything about "it."  The team is good, but when all but one of the nine teams make the playoffs, everyone can say they've been a recent playoff team.  They have yet to win a championship, and until they get that, they really have no roots in this area, even if this year celebrates their tenth.
2. Last year I finally was honest with myself about how much I hated the atmosphere.  The public address announcer is loud and obnoxious and never shuts up.  The disk jockey changes songs every five fucking seconds.  People -- Swarm event officials as well as the crowd -- are whipped into a frenzy to the point where the game is a sideshow.  I guess they're doing all of that because the team isn't enough to bring in the dough.
3. For the past few years they've traded veterans in exchange for draft picks.  I thought they were taking advantage of the shallow number of teams and banking on getting good talent for cheap.  Turns out they've been hemorrhaging money for years.  They don't have the money to keep their expensive (at least for the National Lacrosse League) veterans on the payroll.

Will this work?  Minneapolis-St. Paul is a growing area, but I still don't believe the Twin Cities is large enough for all four professional sports, let alone so many minor sports.  The Lynx have the backing of Timberwolves Owner Glen Taylor, at least for now.  Minnesota FC United have been skirting with oblivion the past couple years, and they've actually been pretty good.  And does anyone remember the Ripknees?  As large and noisy as I thought the Swarm crowd have been, I had the nagging feeling that things weren't as rosy underneath.  This only confirms that the Arlottas have been in the red for a long time.  And I don't know, y'all, but I don't think this plea for help, mainly a goal of getting 1.500 more season ticket holders to a total of 4,000. will work.  This is the beginning of the end, y'all.

#-Infinity: Vikings (Last Week: -3).  I was at that game, and I am absolutely stunned that, even with the struggles they've had this year, they did not appear to expend a fucking ounce of energy as they got dick-smacked by a not very good Carolina team.  No doing this for Adrian Peterson's illegitimate son; the ViQueens acted as if they didn't give a fuck.  No pressure on the quarterback, Matt Cassel was terrible, and neither side of the ball showed any clutch on third down, either converting or stopping.  The Star Tribune said it best on its sports front page: "Look, A Zombie Crawl."  Priceless.

Don't know what else to say besides that this shit is disgusting.  They next play the Monday night game at the Giants, a team that is winless, and yet might get off the schneid against our Purple.