The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

This might have been the Week that broke me.  This might be the Week where I finally stop giving a flying fuck about sports because no goddamn team in this town can win when it fucking counts.

#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -1).  In a dark Week for Minnesota sports, you take your victories where you can get them.  And you look to the bright spot that is the Golden Gopher softball squad, who ran the table with a perfect 5-0 Week.  They finished off a sweep of at Cowles Stadium last Sunday, 2-1 in nine Innings, then dominated Wisconsin in Madison in a Doubleheader Shutout sweep Tuesday, 9-0 (in five Innings) and 7-0.  And they're going to win their series over Ohio St. in Columbus after winning 7-1 and 10-6.  Now that I understand how the projected bracket is laid out, it looks as though the U. is safely in the field for the NCAA Tournament, even though it looks very unlikely they'll get to host a Regional.  No matter; they're on a seven-Game winning streak with one more at the Buckeyes finishing the regular season at home against Michigan.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -3).  The Woofie Dogs and the Mild fucked up so spectacularly this screening Week that we forgot that the Twinks went 5-2 this Week.  They took two-of-three at home versus The New York Yankees and thus won the season series vs. the Yanks for the first time since 2001.  Think about it: The last time the Twinks won more Games than lost versus the Yanks was before 9/11.

They currently hold a 2 1/2-Game lead over Cleveland in the AL Central, but don't worry, they're a Minnesota team, so they'll fuck this up soon enough.  One more at home vs. Kansas City, then they travel to the horrifically underachieving White Sox and said Guardians, both for three.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -4).  The baseball Nine are doing a Goofus-and-Gallant routine with the softball team.  Finished the Week 2-3.  Started off said Week by getting swept by Illinois on the road, even though they lost last Sunday, 6-5.  They then got blitzed at Siebert Tuesday by North Dakota St., 10-3, before bouncing back and beating St. Thomas the next evening by a score of 9-4.  They came back in a big way against Nebraska in Lincoln, scoring five Runs in the Ninth Inning to defeat the Cornhuskers 9-7 on Friday.  But the 'Huskers paid them back yesterday/Saturday afternoon.  They beat Minnesota -- or, according to the U. of M. athletic website, the Golden Gophers got "gashed" by Nebraska -- 18-0.  Do I regret saying this program has turned the corner?  Yeah, I'm starting to think saying that was unwise.

After one more in Lincoln, they host Michigan for a trio beginning on Friday.  Say, the softball Nine hosts Michigan the same weekend.  The Wolverines are flying out both teams on the same plane, right?

#-Infinity (tie): Wild and Timberwolves (Last Week: -2 and -6, respectively).  They're the reason I feel like I'm done with sports, these two fucking teams.  They go out like bitches in the same goddamn Week, at the same goddamn Round, and both in the same Round all Minnesota teams fucking do, the First fucking Round.  It's all the fucking same.

First of all, what did I tell you?  Nuggets in 5, Bastard North Stars in 6.  Should've opened up an online gambling account, put a quarter of my checking account on the Nugz, a quarter on The Team That Was Stolen From Us, and the rest in a parlay with those two.  I would have made a goddamn fortune, and at least some fucking good would have come from these twin emasculations.

It's the Mild that hurts more than the Woofie Dogs.  They lost to The Bastard North Stars.  Also, I reviewed what I said about them this time last Week, where I felt good since they were up 2-1.  Forgot that they were up 2-1 to St. Louis in the First Round of last season's Stanley Cup Playoffs, and then they proceeded to capitulate in three straight tilts.  Well ain't it a bitch, but they pissed down their fucking legs once again, and to The Team That Was Stolen From Us, too.  And like I feared but expected, they came back to the place they rightfully belong and fuckin' humiliate us on our home ice.  And we let them, like a bunch of motherfucking cucks.

Friday afternoon, just before Game 6, I heard Michael Russo, Mild beat writer for The Athletic, report that the morning skate was shit -- no energy, no passion, no work.  It was then I was convinced that Game 6 and the series was lost, and this mailing it in summarized the complete giving up of what ultimately appears to be a gutless club of chumps and quitters.  And it pains me since I actually, stupidly praised this merry band of mediocrities in last Week's WMNSS.

I don't care that Kirill Kaprizov was skating one leg, or that Mats Zuccarello was hurt the second half of the season, or that Joel Eriksson Ek wasn't around to win Faceoffs, or that Marcus Foligno got fucked over with bogus penalty calls.  With the possible exception of Brock Faber, not one of these fuckers stood up to The Team That Was Stolen From Us and fought back when it fuckin' mattered.  Ryan Suter is still a pussy-ass bitch, but he's on a winner.  And Dallas hockey fans are thieves and appropriators, but we're the losers.  Because our goddamn team apparently is filled with losers.

And they're in the same boat as the Woofie Dogs, who went out like the bitches they are against a Denver squad that outclassed them at every turn and gave them a pity Win so that the Nuggets organization could make money from tickets, concessions, merchandise and parking from a Game 5 home Win.  Both teams are capped out (although under slightly different circumstances; the Woofs are just capped out while the Mild will now go through the Dark Ages of being saddled with, like, $15 million in dead cap space for the next two Years).  Both teams anodyne but are too paralyzed to surround their star players (Kaprizov and Anthony Edwards) any meaningful help.  They might have to give up good players just so they can get under their respective caps, and then there's no apparent plan as to who they can bring in to actually help the team.  The only way forward, it looks like, is down.  And since their highs are a series of First Round exits, these moribund franchises haven't really done a fuckin' thing when they were supposedly good.

What a goddamn disaster this is -- these postseasons, these teams, and Twin Cities sports in general.  Why in the fuck do I give a shit about sports?  Why?

Part Of The Lights Kind Of Gone Down

Don't exactly know what hit me, but I got tired by around 10:30 last night.  So I went to bed; if I can't go to sleep, I'll do the things I needed to do in the evening, such as pick up all my receipts and use the lime juice for the cocktail I was planning on drinking then, but if I fall asleep, woo-hoo, I'll have a good night's sleep.

The latter happened.  The good night was ruined by the Mild losing to The Bastard North Stars, but I expected that to happen.  So it's 6 in the morning and I'm wide awake, and I remember that I can catch the early EPL Match on my satellite radio.  I get up and, on the way to the radio, I turn on my space heater because it's a little chilly here in Minnesota ... and it doesn't turn on.  After making sure I had the heater turned on, it appears as though the outlet isn't working.  Can't turn on my SiriusXM receiver either because the outlet it's plugged into isn't working either, which pisses me off because this will be one of the few times I can remember waking up on a Saturday of all damn days early enough to listen to daybreak soccer and can't.

I was worried that I would have to learn how to change an outlet or something.  But I then realized I should check the rest of the house.  I just needed to turn to my right; the radio isn't working.  The lights in my bathroom aren't working, either, as is everything in the computer room, including my main modem.  This is why I have to use my alternate wi-fi.

Don't know why this happens, but very occasionally it does.  I remember it was really bad a couple decades ago.  In the summer, a storm was so bad that it knocked out power in our house.  After a few hours or overnight, the power came back on ... in some parts of the house, but not the middle of it, of all things.  The kitchen lights and, I want to say, the lights right below the kitchen, in the den/game room wouldn't turn on.  That lasted a week.  The utility actually had to come to the neighborhood and do something before everything would turn back up.

I have gone online to report an outage.  I am going out for the day.  I hope that when I come back, everything will be restored.  Don't know what I'll do if it isn't.

Addendum To: The Real Reason For The Rattling And Squealing, And I Am Ashamed

You know, come to think of it, I had trouble gauging my oil level in my old car, too.  I remember that when I brought it in for service once, the mechanic told me that he found the car "bone dry" of oil.  I didn't hear any squealing or feel any rattling, though.  And then, one other time, probably remembering when it was completely out of oil, I was told by another mechanic after I brought it to him that was overfull with oil.  Too little, and then too much?  I can't win.  And I probably can't tell how the hell much oil is in my car at any given moment.

On a side note, I checked the oil level in my parents' minivan after work yesterday/Thursday.  I have thought of the car as my savior, a tough son-of-a-bitch that, while not doing it with any style, got me to where I needed to be with minimal incident.  But it is an old car, and I got paranoid as hell after being told that my new car had virtually no oil in it.  Now, I checked it on our driveway, and it is not level.  Also remember that I don't think I can tell what a dipstick tells me.  Saying that, there was no oil in there -- I think.  So I got the 5-quart behemoth Father got for the minivan and poured the rest of it (just over one quart) into the engine and waited five minutes.  Measured it again ... and the level seemed to be above the low mark.  So it's now good to drive.  Unless that quart I put in still isn't enough.  Or maybe because the minivan wasn't level it had enough oil already and I just overfilled it.  Dammit, man, I don't know.

The Real Reason For The Rattling And Squealing, And I Am Ashamed

No belt is frayed.  No mount is cracked.  Nothing is loose down in my car, or broken, or dry.  The rattling and squealing are gone.  Why?  There was no oil in the motor.  Well, the guy (and I went to someone new) said there was barely a quart left in it.  My car holds four.

It kind of felt like the guy was admonishing me for not checking the oil level in my car, sort of the way a dentist tsk-tsks you for not flossing regularly.  Not to say he was wrong, though.  I didn't check the oil level.  I don't.  I still might not after this.  But in my defense -- and I understand I am pleading ignorance, which means I'm not testifying from a source of strength -- I didn't the rattling and squealing meant that I had little oil left in my car.  Never thought it was a sign.  Now again, that doesn't excuse me from checking the dipstick.  But let's be real here: I think the vast majority of people don't check the oil level in their car whenever they fill up.  So I cannot be the only person this has ever happened to.

And come to think of it, my car is modern enough that it should have a low oil level light indicator on the dashboard.  That never came on.  Why didn't it?

The guy said that when he changed the oil filter he didn't see any leaks that would explain why it was nearly dry.  My car is getting up there in age, but never has the level of oil in my car dropped so precipitously.  So, beyond the fact that that damn low oil light should've come on, I am dreading one possible reason as to why it had no oil in it: The mechanic I went to screwed up.  I remember this blog post back in August, the first I went to this shop, that I went in for service and came out with a knocking noise that came out of nowhere.  They fixed it, and I had gone back there a second time for another thudding sound that turned out to be loose and/or missing lug nuts.  I tried out this new guy because I wasn't feeling the customer service of this first place.  I am now wondering if this first place screwed up the oil change.

Talked to my therapist yesterday/Wednesday afternoon.  When I told him about my day with the car, he recommended I go to the dealership to make sure this oil change was done correctly.  I don't want to do that: They will probably charge me for the diagnostic, and I feel awkward about going back to a place for service that I left not too long ago.  But if the dealership knows my car better than even an independent shop, maybe, for peace of mind, I should, say, wait a month or two (checking the oil dipstick all the while -- yeah, I guess I have to check from now on) and then bring it in to make sure there are no leaks or anything.

I should probably have them make sure there's not catastrophic damage to the car, either, and that's where I loathe myself.  I can say that I didn't know to check.  But my, uh, lack of proactive maintenance means that this car has a lot of wear and tear that it didn't need.  And for tonight, at least, I actually feel scared to drive the car because I'm scared of what could happen.  Yeah, it's filled to the brim with oil -- supposedly.  Maybe it's bleeding it out as we speak, and it's back down to less than a quart come morning.  And what if the tire, for which they found small punctures they say they've patched up, wasn't the problem but a too-bent rim was?  Could I just be driving around and then notice it's all deflated again, and this time I won't be able to limp my car off to a gas station or even the side of the road?  The car is as good as it's going to be right now.  It's possibly fine and I could just be paranoid.  But still, I don't know how damaged it is, and could be, so right now, I don't trust it.  And the reason I don't trust it is, really, my fault.

The Suddenly Popular Classic Theater

This theater says it's the longest continuously-running theater in the Twin Cities.  I thought a long time ago it was shuttered and re-opened and refurbished under new ownership.  Regardless, I tried to take in a movie there once a year.  It's a beautiful place -- small with red paint and carpet, it's a throwback theater that harkens back to an age where the theater was one of the great social gathering spots in the country.  And I was able to just park right next to it, walk on up, and get a ticket to, like, Philomena or A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood.  The ticket is way more expensive than, say, at a first-run, modern theater with all the bells and whistles (provided you go on a Discount Tuesday) and you get to sit in an uncomfortable seat.  But the atmosphere of being in a theater that starting showing movies in the 1920's more than makes up for it.  And, again, I only go there once a year, so an annual treat is a small way to live a little.

Like I said, I never had trouble getting a ticket to a show.  With one exception: I tried to go to a special screening of ... well, the name of the movie escapes me, but it's a Leslie Nielsen slapstick comedy that is not from The Naked Gun series.  I believe one of the writers is from this area, and he had a special screening as part of, I believe, a fundraiser.  I wanted to go, but I was floored that all the parking spots were taken.  I don't know if I knew for sure that the place was sold out, but I decided that I couldn't get a ticket.  That, at the time, was the only time I saw this theater packed.

Now, fast-forward to, oh, a year ago.  I know that for the past several years this place has shown special retrospective series on weekdays.  Never participated, but on this day they were showing The Seventh Seal, that Ingmar Bergman classic movie that I always wanted to watch.  I was surprised that a whole bunch of other people wanted to see it as well, as the parking lot was packed.  I scrambled to find a spot on the street and inadvertently parked right next to a fire hydrant.  Pleased as punch that I didn't get ticketed for it.

Now, a few weeks ago, this theater was screening The Sting.  That's another flick I've always wanted to see.  It was a Monday, there was nothing on TV, and I didn't want to work out, so I went back to the theater.  Also surprised that everybody seemed to be there, but this time I knew I could park at the strip mall half a block away.  It was even worse for Rebecca, being shown as part of an Alfred Hitchcock retrospective; unlike with The Sting, I was told I had to put my name on a waitlist and wait to see if I could get in.  I did get in, thankfully, but it was even more packed than it was for The Sting, which in turn was more packed than it was for The Seventh Seal.

Now I am glad that this theater is getting the house for these special screenings.  There apparently is a lot of upkeep for a movie house this grand and opulent, and there were many times when I saw a first-run movie there and noticed I was one of only a half-dozen people in the theater and I wondered how in the heck they were going to say in business.  But at least I got in.  It felt more and more likely that I couldn't get in to see these special screenings.  It's like that Yogi Berra saying: No one goes there anymore because it's too crowded.

Nonetheless, I was determined to not be put on the waitlist for the next movie I wanted to see, Hitchcock's To Catch A Thief.  I bought a ticket online that morning.  And I gave myself plenty of time to get there an find parking.  But I could not go to that strip mall close by like I did before; between Rebecca and To Catch A Thief, the manager of the strip mall as well as the restaurant at the end of the mall closest to the theater put up no trespassing signs.  I'm guessing I'm not the only moviegoer who thought he could just park there for movies.  I would take the people managing the mall more seriously if they didn't say, "Trespasser's (sic) will be towed," but I didn't want to take that chance; I parked on the street -- and I avoided the fire hydrant.  There was street parking to be had, but the theater was still packed for the flick.  I sat on one of the chairs close to the screen and off to the side, and I didn't know that the seats over there are not level because the floor rises up.

I enjoyed myself.  But between the demand for tickets, the craps game that is parking, and the new restrictions on parking at the strip mall across the street, it gives me pause as to whether I can go see a movie there ever again.  Sure, I guess that if it's a newly-released film I would have no trouble parking right beside the theater.  But for the classics?  I don't know if it's worth it anymore.  It's sad.  But while I admire people loving this theater so much, it prevents me from enjoying it the way I want to enjoy it: Alone.

Past Me Saved Present Me

Went to work without my earbuds.  Totally sucked.  I could say I was so wrapped up with the drama surrounding my flat tire over the weekend that it completely made me forget about taking the buds out of my long coat (which I wore on Friday because I was going to a speakeasy after work and I wanted to look somewhat cool) and put them into my regular coat, but I would have forgotten regardless.  It was a helpless damn feeling.  I could work without them.  In fact, I probably would be more productive without the distraction of listening to something I'm more interested in.  But the day would have been long and boring, and I would hate myself all day for not remembering them.

I was working at The Fourth Department yesterday/Monday, but went out to my desk a few times just in case I left a pair of old earphones there.  I remember once forgetting them, and I vowed I would, at the worst, find a crappy set of phones and keep them at my desk in times like this.  But I couldn't find them.

However ... I went back to my desk one final time.  I still have the box for my Zojirushi coffee mug, one that still works.  I remembered that earlier this year (I think), I put something in that box for safekeeping.  What it was I truly didn't remember, but I was do desperate to find some earbuds that I figured I'd just open it in case a miracle happened.

Well, guess what?  I open up the mug box and I see a smaller box.  I still don't know, or remember, what it was.  I open up the box ... and it's a brand-new pair of headphones.  And then I remembered: The earbuds I usually use no longer work in my left ear.  That prompted me to buy a new pair on Amazon.  And when it was delivered, I decided I was going to stick with my old ones until the left earphone stops working, but to make sure I don't skip a beat, I would keep them at work.  I was going to break them out the moment my old earbuds stop working, but I don't mind breaking them in now because I was forgetful.

I am kind of shocked that I forgot that I bought and stored brand-new buds at work.  And I didn't even have an inkling that I would find earphones to use in that mug box.  I just remembered putting something in that box not too long ago, and I was desperate for earbuds.  My prayer was answered, and just in time to hear The Rude Pundit on Stephanie Miller!

Similar to finding the right solution to a math problem without doing your work correctly, I was happy to use these brand-new buds even under circumstances I did not anticipate.  I'm just happy I did make the decision to bring those brand-new earphones to work back then.  Past me did indeed save present me.

I Got Free Food, And Now I Might Die Of Rabies

Weird things happened last night.  After the early show for Booker T. Jones at the Dakota passed, I finally mustered up the energy to do what I planned to do, which was work out at the community center for the first time in weeks.  I got out of the house a little late, but I still thought I would get in a good period of exercise.

I was going to take the trash out before I went.  I open the front and then the screen door, and then I see Domino's on my stoop.  Two boxes: The bigger being a pizza, the smaller, rectangular one being those "Loaded Tots" I think the company recently introduced.  They were cold, which means the delivery driver delivered them to me, obviously by mistake, after I got home a bit past 4 but before I was out the door at 7.  But I didn't hear the doorbell ring or a knock on the door, so even though there may have been a no-contact policy the driver followed, there's a non-zero chance some stranger just laid that food at my front door.

Still, the overwhelming probability is that this was just a driver dropping food off at the wrong address.  In which case -- hell yeah, free food!  But then I thought I shouldn't jump to that conclusion so fast.  I thought that if this was a mistaken address, the house that made the order probably is a neighbor.  If that's the case, maybe I shouldn't be so hasty in taking the food.  It isn't mine; I didn't order it.  So after a quick thought or two, I decided that I was going to leave the pizza and Loaded Tots out on the stoop.  If Domino's came back to pick it up, or if this neighbor to whom those rightfully belong went out on a search, the food would be there for them to retrieve.  And if I came back and saw those boxes still there -- well, that would be proof my neighborhood is still relatively safe and neighborly, and it would also mean I can take the food.

I didn't think about any other living creatures getting to the food first until it was way too late and I was sweating through my clothes.  At work on Friday I saw a line of ants savaging some crumb of food on the floor -- why in the hell wouldn't they go after the pizza and the tots??  I felt so stupid.  So, after changing back and using a discount for gasoline on my app that was going to expire at midnight, I got home and saw the boxes still there.  But then I noticed a chunk of the cold, gloopy Loaded Tots on the walkway, and then another.  And then I saw the small, rectangular box not exactly in the position I left it at.  And it was ajar.  I opened it and I saw, like, four or five cold tots with the now solid cheese and maybe it was bacon attached to them.  So maybe ants didn't get to it, but a squirrel did, and even though I don't think squirrels have opposable thumbs, the squirrel knocked it over and/or pushed it open to get into it.  And judging by the food that was spilled all over my pavement, it probably took a couple bites and recoiled at the coldness of the Loaded Tots, how rich in calories it was, or both, and said it had enough.

And you know what my thought was?  Damn, I wish I could have tried those Loaded Tots!  But there were four or five of them left in the box.  That meant the squirrel ate all the ones it tossed out of the box and left these alone -- right?  So I -- and don't judge me -- ate those Loaded Tots left in the box.  And they were ... cold.  And like all the loaded tots I've eaten from other places before.  And then I had this image of the squirrel eating and touching the tots I just ate as well as the tots touching those tots.  And then I thought about whether I can get sick from food with the saliva from a squirrel -- or, even more viscerally, from food that got in contact with a squirrel.  Can you get rabies from that?

And so ever since I ate those tots I've felt a bit ... queasy.  It might be from eating those cold, or it might be because that food was left out for more than two hours before refrigeration.  But if I wake up in the morning running a fever or suffering from seizures, it has to be squirrel rabies.  And in that case, regard me as a cautionary tale: Don't ever eat food that was ransacked by a squirrel.

Sorry, Booker T

I want to see Booker T. Jones at the Dakota tonight.  Two shows, 6 and 8.  Really want to go, even if the only thing I know from him is "Green Onions."  But I'm not.  A lot of it is I'm worried about the crowd for the Timberwolves Game, even though it tips off at 8:30 and, as I type this a bit after 5, there could be a lull in downtown because the Twins finished their Win 60-90 Minutes ago.  But I can't be sure it won't be teeming with fans, say, doing a Twins-Timberwolves double.  Besides, lot parking is going to be through the roof regardless, and I'm not sure if I can find meter parking, and even if I do, I'm scared to parallel park without the back-up camera from my car.  I should man up and refresh myself on how to do that with my parents' minivan, but I don't want to.

I'll admit that I'm also scared that a beat-up vehicle like the minivan will get stolen downtown.

Really, however, I'm scared as hell that if I drive the minivan too much, it'll break down.  It's a tough car, I'll tell you that, and I have to remind myself that I had the water pump and brake pads replaced just over a year ago.  And yet it does have 280,000 miles on it, so really, anything could happen, and if it does, I'll have two cars, neither of which work.  That would fucking suck.

There are many good, real reasons not to go, at least not this time around.  But I'm fighting the urge to fight that urge, if that makes any sense, to "be courageous" and not worry about the car (which I probably don't have to do; putting my anxiety aside, I am fairly certain it won't break down if I drove it downtown), and enjoy myself.  YOLO and all that.  There are also reasons not to see him, either.  Tickets are expensive to see a guy for whom you know only one song, albeit a classic and even though you won't know if he's going to come around again (Mr. Jones seems to be of good health, knock on wood).  Of the two shows, the earlier show is the more expensive; $50-5 is pricey.  The late show is ten bucks cheaper, but of course I'll be facing the teeth of T-Wolves traffic, so that's out.  I just hate the feeling that I don't get to decide not to do something because circumstances prevent me from doing it.  If my car were totally fine and I still didn't want to see Booker T. Jones, I would be OK with it.  But I feel as though my decision is influenced by not having my car to use.  You know what I mean?

Regardless of my real reasons, sorry, Booker T, but I'll catch you next time -- when my car is reliably healthy and when there's nothing going on downtown.  Hope to see you then, sir.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -2).  It's only two Wins smack dab in the middle of the season, and they were supposed to play a Doubleheader Wednesday at Wisconsin but it was postponed till Tuesday because of the weather.  But Iowa isn't a bad club, and the Gophers shut them out both Friday and yesterday/Saturday afternoon.  Hayden King of College Sports Madness still projects the U. to be in the NCAA Tournament, even though I think in this Week's projection King has them as a four-Seed when last Week King had them as a three.

After finishing up with the Hawkeyes this/Sunday afternoon and playing in Madison (cross your fingers), they play a three-Game series at Ohio St.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -5).  They have lost a Game, and the series is not over yet, not even close.  The local sports fanbase is nonetheless over the moon over how the Wild are doing in their First Round Stanley Cup Playoff series against The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0.  Game 1's Double Overtime win might prove pivotal.  Road teams win all the time in playoff hockey, but the Wild usually don't, plus I heard (I can't watch this series) that they were outplayed all Game.  And yet it takes one loose puck that just squirts right in front of the The Bastard North Star Goal for one player (in this case Ryan Hartman) to steal a Game.

That Game 2 Loss wasn't great, but the Wild still proved they could score, especially when they went back-to-back barely a dozen Seconds apart.  Besides, they got home-ice advantage, one they were able to keep in an electric atmosphere for Game 3 Friday, where they seemed firmly in control in blasting The BNS 5-1 -- and, by the way, Kirill Kaprizov didn't score or have an Assist.

Aside: I didn't know how much of a locker room poison Ryan Suter apparently was.  When he and Zach Parise were bought out, I felt, even though I was prepared to keep them on the roster until their huge-ass contracts ran out, that Suter was the, let's say, less replaceable of the two.  He was a steady Defenseman that kept soaking up Minutes without being a huge liability.  But, now that the deed has been done and Suter's now on The Enemy, the knives are out.  According to a tweet by current sports talk-show host and former Star Tribune writer Judd Zulgad, Suter would pour over the stat sheet after Games to see how much Time On Ice he had.  He also demanded that a few practices a season be held in Edina, presumably close to where he is.  Well, those diva moves are enough for Minnesota pro hockey fans to turn on a guy who was a loyal soldier for many Years.  And you know what?  He seems to be a pussy-ass bitch.  He likes to talk, and he hits (sometimes borderline dirty), but he won't fight.  And that seems to have focused the Wild into playing faster, harder, stronger, and, if this makes any sense, younger.

Like I said, the series isn't over.  But I feel as though The Bastard North Stars feel like they're on their heels.  If Minnesota wins Game 4 tonight/Sunday night, it's the Wild's to lose.  Famous last words, sure.  But like I said, Wild fans are feeling good right now, and they have some good reason to.

#-3: Twins (Last Week: -1).  Oh, no, what's happening?  A 1-5 screening Week when they only won on Wednesday, dropped a series at the lowly Boston Red Sox, and have already lost a series (at home) vs. The Bastard Montreal Expos.  And both the BoSox and Washington are in last place in their respective Divisions.  The Twinks, after a good start, are currently 11-10.  The only saving grace is that they're still first in the American League Central because second-place Cleveland has also gone 1-5 this screening Week and in fact has lost nine of its last ten.

#-4: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  Have lost their first two Games of their set at Illinois this weekend.  This after Wednesday's scheduled tilt at Siebert versus St. Thomas was cancelled due to rain and cold.  I am still clinging on to my belief this Golden Gopher program has turned the corner.  One more vs. The Fighting Illini today/Sunday, then home contests with North Dakota St. and St. Thomas midweek (cross your fingers), before a trio at Nebraska.

#-5: United FC (Last Week: -6).  And now the Loons are falling like a rock.  They have never beaten the Sounders in Seattle, and I want to say they have never beaten Seattle period, and that shit didn't change last/Saturday night.  They were close-ish, but some dude named Albert Rusnak scored in the 79th Minute to give the Sounders the 1-0 Win.  And this was even more demoralizing because Seattle was resting most of its starters because some of them were playing for their home countries.  There is some talk that Adrian Heath has to give up his pet 4-2-3-1 Formation for a 4-4-2.  Well, they were in a 4-2-3-1 and they lost, so. ...

Oh, hey, in last Week's survey I said that the Loons were playing Detroit City on Tuesday as part of the U. S. Open Cup.  Yeah, I totally looked one Week ahead.  I'm sorry.  They are playing them this Tuesday, however, and like I said in last Week's WMNSS, if they win, I won't talk about them, but if they lose, I sure as fuck will read them for filth.

#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4).  It's been ... mirthful to see the Wild and the Timberwolves continue their Goofus-and-Gallant routine for us Twin Cities sports faithful.  Even though neither team has accomplished anything of note, our pro hockey team remains much better than the pro basketball when it comes to competence and respectability.

So it goes even though the Woofie Dogs are also in the playoffs.  But maybe not for long; The Denver Nuggets have rolled Minnesota, taking a commanding 3-0 lead in the series with the potential to euthanize this squad tonight/Sunday night.  The loss of Jaden McDaniels hurts, but it appears as though no one is stepping up with the occasional exception of Anthony Edwards.  People have singled out Rudy Gobert and Karl-Anthony Towns in particular for being invisible on Defense (the former) and not making enough shots (the latter).  It was going to be a miracle if they won the series (even though I still think the Nugz will take pity on the Two Elves and give them Game 4 so they can clinch in front of their home fans), but seeing how deficient they have been in three not really competitive Matches has fans shaking their heads whenever they pay attention to them.  One big, splashy move has got them right about where they were last Year: Just scraping by to make the postseason, and then seeing themselves out in The First Round.  Thanks for showing up, Goofus.

Fuckin' Tire. Fuckin' Wheel. Fuckin' Car.

So I was coming home from a night out last/Friday night.  Hey, I was in The Fourth Department, I earned it.  As I got home the low tire air light came on.  It had a propensity to come in for an extended period but years ago, so I thought that the bad sensor reared its ugly head again.  So I stopped by a gas station that had free air, stuck it in the driver's-side front tire because that's the one that always needs it, guessed how much air it needed, then drove home.

Used the minivan to see Grandmother's friend (whom I did not see; she was asleep, and I have a rule that I don't want to wake people up because I don't want to be woken up while I'm asleep).  Came home, then decided to check out the tire -- you know, just in case.  And I'll be goddamned, but it was just about flat again.  I don't know what the fuck is up with it, but that tire has consistently been giving me trouble ever since that fateful goddamn day I ran over those train tracks right next to Centro.  I swear it's the wheel/rim, but I've been told once already it's not.  And when I finally was able to change it out for my spare (they're right; change tires on level ground), I couldn't find a puncture.

On top of all that, I freaked out because my spare looked like it was out of air.  I think I stroked out as I sloooooooooowly drove off and tried to find a place I could put air in this spare.  I went to three places; two of them, both at gas stations, were out of order.  I also tried a DIY place, but I didn't see an air hose anywhere.  Finally, I remembered, and got to, a gas station that did have an air hose, and by God, I jacked up that spare with as much air as I could have given it.  (Should've gauged the spare before I put in the hose, however; that way I would know exactly how much air to put in it.  This is where I get all panicked again.  Need to think under pressure!)  But my anxiety that ignites in me whenever my car breaks down, well, I felt it as soon as I saw the deflated tire on my car.  And my heart's still beating a mile a minute.  I hate this feeling.  I feel minutes coming off of my life because of the fear I feel right now.

With that being said, I am finding ways to alleviate my anxiety.  Masturbation helped for, like, a minute.  Now, I will probably use the minivan to drive and get me some fast food.  I'll be using the minivan for a while; no shop is open tomorrow (and it wouldn't even matter if there was one because I work), and then I'm back in The Fourth Department Monday and Tuesday.  Plus I finally was able to get the oil down to 15%, which seems like a good time to get the oil changed (and, according to the car, to also rotate the tires [he-heh] and exchange the coolant.  Oh yeah -- the rattling and squealing underneath the car, too.  It'd make sense to get all those things done at once, and I might as well take a day off and do it this week.  But this is all the more reason I like having a spare car.  I don't have to miss a beat when it comes to important things like work.  If I only had one car, I would be stuck at home and have to reorder every part of my schedule for days on end.

Now, I just have to hope that the minivan holds up.  I'll be honest, though; after getting the water pump, mount and brake pads replaced just over a year ago, I think it's a very reliable vehicle.  In fact, I kind of feel safer there than in my car ever since my car started rattling and squealing.

My Cleaning Parents Just Fucked With My Stuff Again

Need to see Grandmother's friend today, which means I usually do a COVID-19 rapid test before I go to make sure I haven't gotten pinched with the virus.  I typically had gone to a center to get it done, but since they closed, I had to finally open up the free tests we were sent.

I put them on the pool table in the basement, which now serves as a pseudo-shelf.  Maybe I should have thought about putting them somewhere else, but since Father puts everything on, in, or under that, I kind of thought they would be there the next time I see Grandmother's friend.  I did not take into account my parents' propensity to clean, especially since they came home to a leaky water heater and there was a lot of stuff to move around and put back.

Just went down to the pool table.  The tests, which I kept in their gray packaging, aren't there.  Seemingly every other piece of shit is there, but I didn't know where to start.  So I called Father just now.  At first he said, "I don't know."  And then he said, "Oh, I probably threw them away."  And then he asked me if I checked the new water heater.  I don't know what I'm so goddamn angry with My Fucking Father about more: His seeming biddiness about not remembering where he put those tests (and I'm not saying he's got dementia, thank Buddha, but he may be lying about not remembering and he just doesn't want to tell me the truth); him actually throwing away things that do not look like trash and did not belong to him and thus was not his to throw away; or him deflecting to something that matters to him and away from something that matters to me (which I actively called him on the phone for).  It's probably all three.

Shit.  I believe I have just ordered new tests (I didn't think you can do that anymore, but if I can, thank God I live in a blue state).  But honestly, when faced with this bad choice because my safety net was unfairly taken from me, I am deciding to see Grandmother's friend anyway.  My visit is way overdue.  And there isn't a total guarantee I can see her next month.  I just hope and pray I'm not sick now.

Goddammit, why did they fuck with my stuff?

I Have Really Good Teeth? Really??

So two weeks ago I went to the dentist's, the first time in about nine months.  It's a dental school, so the student I got actually didn't finish in the, oh, two-plus hours we had in our time slot.  I have to go back next month, which is kind of weird; you might as well start all over and clean all of my teeth again, right?

Near the end of my visit, a professor/teacher/supervisor came over to check.  These students have to call one over seemingly before or after a stage of care to get the OK that everything is done and they can go on to the next step.  The professor/teacher/supervisor opens up my mouth and sticks his fingers everywhere in it while speaking to the student doing my check-up.

The conversation between the two finally gets around what she did, specifically ordering up x-rays of my mouth because it's been about a year.  I think, if I recall correctly, that she had trouble getting all the x-rays she needed that covered all the teeth in my mouth.  But, she told the prof that everything looked good and, in fact, she is thinking about recommending that these pain-in-the-ass x-rays need be done only every other year, not annually as has traditionally been done ever since I have gone to the dentist's by myself.

The prof agreed.  He says he's been thinking a lot about doing these x-rays (are they called bitewings?) less frequently.  And then he talked about my teeth situation.  He looked at the condition of my teeth, especially the spaces inbetween them, and then he noted my age and said that if there isn't any bad deterioration that has come up lately, and until I radically switch to a diet that acidifies my enamel, my teeth are going to be as, well, good as they are.  And then he said I have good teeth.  Genetically good teeth.

Really?  Seriously?  Because all of my life I have been under the impression that I've had crappy teeth.  I had a lot of cavities when I was young, and I think I had a couple as recently as ... 2019, I believe?  Moreover, my teeth take a beating.  I've had a sugar tooth, mostly through pop and candy, ever since I could walk, and I drink coffee with a lot of creamer every day at work now.  Moreover, and I'll confess this, I don't regularly brush my teeth.  In fact, I am sure I have spent more than half my days living on this temporal plane going to bed without brushing my teeth, let alone brushing them twice a day, which I guess is now the recommended frequency.  But no matter, my God-given chiclets are so sturdy and rock-solid that they can withstand sugary food and the neglect of not brushing away the plaque that I figuratively spackle on them?

I'm ... flabbergasted.  Totally shocked.  Not taking care of my teeth has been a discreet source of embarrassment in my life, and now this expert says not only have I not permanently damaged my teeth, I should be good to go with them for the rest of my life?  Guess I'll take it.  But believing that these teeth are in tremendous shape blows me the hell away.

I Really Fuckin' Hate My Boss Right Now

So The Fourth Department has actually been shit this week.  I knew it was going to be rough Monday because there is stuff piled up from the weekend that I wouldn't completely get to because I had to leave to take my parents to the airport.  That stuff I left over would make Tuesday bad.  But I was hoping things would thin out yesterday/Wednesday.  It didn't.  There was as much shit I had to do as the previous two days, and I had no idea I would be pulling a ten-hour day.

It didn't help, however, that my boss yelled at me yesterday morning, and I think it was over nothing.  So in this position I have to e-mail the lab from time to time to talk about forms.  I asked a question about this particular form because there was ... oh, fuck, I don't know what was wrong with it.  Then I e-mailed my boss, because my supervisor wasn't there to help me.  Literally ten seconds after I e-mail my boss, he comes striding up to my workstation.  He got wind of the first e-mail I sent to the lab.  He told me I cannot, under no circumstances, ask any more questions to the people working in the lab.  That wasn't great, but what irked, and irks, me is I shortly thereafter saw that he e-mailed me back regarding my first e-mail to the lab, and I fucking hate his tone.  I expressly remember only one sentence: "Please don't ask any more questions to the lab."

The one big pain-in-the-ass about The Fourth Department is that I serve as a trash receptacle for every weird goddamn problem that crops up.  I don't know how to handle them, even years after I've been trained in this job.  I was told early on that I'll get hit with weird shit from time to time, to which I and even they won't quite know what to do.  So, they keep reminding me, ask questions.  So I did ... to the lab.  I will admit that my boss had said before, and maybe on more than one occasion, that the lab can't answer the particular question I had at the time for a particular form.  But goddammit, he never fucking gave me any order to never ask those people questions period until yesterday.  He came in acting as if he told me so, and as if he was upset that I didn't follow what he had already said, and that simply is not fucking true.

This problem was cleared up eventually.  I should talk to my supervisor about what I should do in such a case ... that is if I have time.  I no longer believe that there will be any downtime in this position the rest of the week.  Instead, I'll be pulling ten-hour days today/Thursday and tomorrow/Friday, definitely because of the shit ton of work that'll come in and possibly because of the weird bullshit that'll drain my energy before I even sit down in the morning.  I'm anticipating someone being mad at me the moment I walk through the door.  Anyway, I'm trying my damnedest to avoid a repeat of this, uh, "issue."

In the meantime, fine, whatever, no questions to the lab.  What I asked seemed innocent to me, but whatever.  I'm thinking that if the lab were so goddamn bent out of shape with me asking why and what to do, they'd tell me directly.  Either they didn't have the courage to do that or, and I'm thinking this is the likelier reason, my boss was upset with me because all these innocent questions I asked the lab continually found their way back to him and he felt as though he needed to do clean-up.  (I'm not absolutely sure it's not the lab, however, so I'll keep my distance from them.)  I'm not ... well, I don't think I'll go in to work yelling at my boss.  Overall he's been a good boss, and besides, I need this job.  But no, I kind of fucking hate him right now.  Haven't felt jobbed by him this intensely ever.

Retail And Food Therapy In Lieu Of Exercise

Wanted to go exercise after work last/Tuesday night.  But work kept me for my maximum ten hours, and by the time I got home, I didn't feel as though I had enough time to work out.  I would have had the time, but I was working late yesterday/Tuesday because of all the work I didn't get to on Monday.  I was afraid something like this would happen.  If I were able to stay a ninth hour on Monday, I could have left work an hour earlier yesterday/Tuesday than I did, and so then exercise would have been a more feasible option.

With that being said, I spent my evening running around.  First, I was trying to grab an insulated bag at T-Mobile, but they were closed and besides, they are closing for good soon, so there's no reason for them even give out those bags.  Anyway, I then went to Target for provisions and then, after that, Total Wine to grab a few small bottles.  I have not found a favorite spirit, let alone brand, so I'm sampling everything as fast as possible.  This costs me a lot of money; buying bigger bottles would cost more, but the price per, uh, milliliter would be much lower.  (I keep hating myself for spending money; that's one of the things for which I'm pissed at myself.)  Finally, I ate at Taco Bell because I think last/Tuesday night was the last night to order a Quesarito, at least for the time being.

Retail and food therapy in lieu of exercise?  It's not an exact tradeoff, but it'll do.

The first day my parents leave and instead of staying up all night, I go to bed at 11.  That would probably happen, though, if you had to wake up at 5 that morning just to put in a full day's work.

Feel refreshed, though.  Woke up a bit past 6:30.  How I'm feeling right now is worth losing my whole streak in Zynga Poker and starting back at Day 1/10%.

Now, hopefully, my car will get me to work.

Alright -- Now My Car Is Giving Me Problems

Ever since the potholes began opening up (at least I think), I have heard rattling underneath the hood that has only gotten louder.  Worse than that, I hear this squealing often when I accelerate (meaning that even though it doesn't happen every time I accelerate, the only time I hear the squealing is when I accelerate), and it's gotten worse.  Since I've driven over many, many potholes the past couple months, I am hoping it's just things loosening because of the bumps.  Maybe a belt is dry.  Worst-case scenario?  Frayed belt or, God help me, the transmission.  Lately it feels as though it's not accelerating as smoothly as before.

The thing is is that I don't want to bring my car in, at least not yet.  The warning on the dashboard for low oil hasn't happened yet, but it's coming soon.  Moreover, I don't want to take a day off for this when, in two weeks, I'll be working second shift, meaning I can bring the car during the day.  The squealing and rattling is getting worse, and so my anxiety is getting worse, too, but I am hoping I can hold on for two weeks when, hopefully, the oil will get low enough to finally get it changed.

I just hope a belt doesn't snap or my transmission busts out on me before then.

Never Change, Hot, Crazy Stripper

So out of the blue, ******a called me.  She actually called me before, but it was from a phone number different than the one I have for her.  She's using I think her brother's; she says she's getting the malware removed from her phone, whatever the hell that means.

I was surprised she called me; late January was the last time she came over to rub me down, and she was so paranoid and accusatory I said that if I see her again, it'll be in a long while.  Well, three months is a long while.  And when she called me while I was at the MNUFC Match, I immediately got hard.  Weird; she's never touched me, and I'm sure she's going to get all fucking crazy on me again.  (When she came over a few months ago, she complained incessantly about how she got lost.  I might say I should go over to see her at her place, which is her sister's house.)  And yet I am so goddamn ready to get naked in front of her and have her massage me that I can't wait.

That being said, our next session is not set in stone.  I am busy right now because my parents are about to leave, so I asked if I could text her.  No, said ******a; she'll just call again later, and I reckon we schedule something if I pick up.  Never change, hot crazy stripper.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  In an overall not great screening Week for the Twin Cities sports teams, I'm putting the Twins on top in spite of their 4-3 performance ending the 16th.  Couldn't complete the sweep of the Asterisks, but took two-of-three at Target vs. the White Sox and then won the first two Games of a four-Game series at the Yankees before falling on Saturday.  Sure, it's not the postseason, where the cuck hex really hangs over this franchise, and they have won regular season tilts there before, but it's still better to beat the Yankees than not.  And they still lead the Guardians in the American League Central Division with a 10-5 record.  Hey, it could be worse.  And for this Week, that's best in Minnesota.

One more versus the Yanks, then they go to the other lodestar in Major League Baseball, Boston, for three starting on Tuesday.  They then return home for a trio beginning on Friday against The Bastard Montreal Expos.

#-2: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  Won the series with an 8-5 Win in the rubber Match with Indiana at Cowles Sunday, then went to East Lansing and ripped Michigan St., 13-1 Friday before splitting a Doubleheader Saturday (they were supposed to finish this trio today/Sunday, but inclement weather today/Sunday led them to push that contest up to yesterday/Saturday afternoon).  A 3-1 Week gets them to 6-6 in the Big Ten and 25-16 overall.  And before this Week, this website projects the Gophers to be in the NCAA Tournament.  Cool.

It seems as though they will permanently play Wisconsin only twice a season in the form of a Doubleheader in the middle of a Week.  This Year that occurs Wednesday in Madison.  They then have a weekend three-Game series at home against Iowa.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -5).  Prevented a sweep with a tripling of Purdue, 9-3, last Sunday at Siebert.  Then they beat North Dakota St. Tuesday, 12-9.  The weather then caused a couple changes with the weekend series here versus Iowa.  First they turned Saturday's Game to a Friday DH, which the teams split.  (By the way, the Hawkeyes have what I think is their first genuine First Round Draft Pick in my lifetime in Pitcher Brody Brecht.  He made news recently because he was a two-sport star at Iowa, but after not doing much as a Wide Receiver [I hear the whole Hawkeyes Offense didn't do much last season] and seeing how good he really is as hurler, he has done a reverse Kyler Murray and is going to drop football and focus on baseball.  Brecht was the Starting Pitcher for the Hawkeyes for the first Game of the Doubleheader ... and he took the Loss.  He lasted only 4 1/3 Innings and gave up five Runs.)  The Sunday finale was supposed to remain on Sunday, but because there's FUCKING SNOW coming today, they moved that up to yesterday/Saturday, and the Gophs got drilled, 18-4.

OK, so the squad is 10-24 overall.  But they are 4-5 in-conference, and I feel as though they have been more competitive than they have been since the aborted 2020 season.  I continue to insist that they are rising off of rock bottom.

St. Thomas here Wednesday, then at Illinois for three starting on Friday.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  This may have been The Wildest Week In Timberwolves History.  First, last Sunday, they closed out the regular season by roaring back from 30-18 deficit after one Quarter to beat The Bastard Charlotte Hornets by five.  Yes, this is the Game where Rudy Gobert took a swing at Kyle Anderson after Anderson called The Stifle Tower a "bitch" several times.  And before (I think) that incident, Jaden McDaniels, for reasons I still don't quite know, went partway down the tunnel to the team locker room, stopped, and punched the wall.  The wall usually wins; J-Mac fractured his hand and is out for the Year.

And through all that self-inflicted tumult, the Woofie Dogs got into the 7/8 Play-In Game Tuesday ... where they had an 11-Point Halftime lead at The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.1.0 and went ice cold in the Fourth Quarter, finally succumbing to Los Angeles in Overtime by six.  To their credit and to my surprise, they dominated The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics Friday in the last chance Game, stuffing Oklahoma City inside time after time and routing them by 25.  Their reward for reaching the real playoffs?  A series with Denver.  Now I hear that the Wolves are a bad fit for the Nuggets in a couple ways, foremost among them having two bigs (Gobert and Karl-Anthony Towns) to Denver's one (albeit a budding Hall Of Fame one in Nikola Jokic).  But Gobert still hasn't fully integrated himself into Minnesota's system.  Plus there's still the absence of McDaniels, the team's best defender.  Denver isn't a glamour, and that's probably why I think they have a non-zero chance of winning this series.  But really, I think the Nuggets will throw the Two Elves a pity Win in Game 4 just so they can close them out in front of their home fans.  Nugz in five.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Beat Chicago, but ended their season with back-to-back defeats to a Winnipeg club that eked into the playoffs and also-ran Nashville.  That ended their chances of winning the Central Division, and home-ice advantage for the First Round of the postseason.  And because The Bastard Quebec Nordiques were able to beat Nashville, the Wild's First Round opponent will be ... The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0.  Fucking great.

A part of me wants to go to a Game (by the way, Games 3 and 4 for the Wild and the Timberwolves will be on the same days, Friday and Sunday.  Moreover, Game 3 for both teams start at the same time, 8:30.  I find that to be both so wrong and so preventable.  Is there no consideration for the local fan base when it comes to giving different times for teams from the same city?) wearing my North Stars jersey, but I'm afraid a Wild fan will hit me.  But there's also a chance I'll punch a Bastard North Stars fan, too, so it's probably better I don't go at all.  Besides, this is a matchup I really dread, because I am scared that those Dallas hockey thieves are going to come in here and cuck us as a way to justify them stealing our team and our history.  And since God hates me, I think that'll happen.  And in a direct contrast to The Denver Nuggets, those motherfucking appropriators are going to close out their series in St. Paul as a way to humiliate us and (wrongly) claim our history as theirs.  Them in six, goddammit.

#-6: United FC (Last Week: -6).  The bloom from the great start this XI had is gone now that they're on a two-Game losing streak.  More distressing is that in three home Games, MNUFC had the lead in all three and have blown it.  At least for the first two they held on for a Draw.  But last/Saturday night they choked on the lead (no surprise, they're a Minnesota team) and lost 2-1 to Orlando.  The Game-winner was a fucking atrocity; a lateral pass was made to a wide-open OCSC player who, luckily, hit the crossbar.  But it went straight to Duncan McGuire, who was in the middle of at least four Loons players but wasn't really marked by any of them.  They surrounded him as if he was being sacrificed in a satanic ritual.  Anyway, McGuire headed it home, and now United FC seems to be who everyone thought they would be.  And since I witnessed this bullshit with my own eyes, they get the ass end of the WMNSS.

No league Match this Week, but they begin participation in the U. S. Open Cup Tuesday at Detroit City.  If they lose, I probably will talk about them in next Week's survey, and assuredly, they'll be at the ass end again.

Addendum To: Taxes -- Down The Stretch I Go

I did another run-through of my tax forms last night.  And I forgot that the extra pandemic bonus I got from the state, which means I need to correct my federal form, spits out new numbers that I hadn't updated on my state form.  I don't remember that whenever there is a change in dollar amount on one line item on one tax form, that causes ripple effects on other line items on other tax forms.  That makes me there's a possibility and maybe even a probability that there will be other tweaks in the numbers that I simply won't catch before I file them.  Yeah, sometimes I think I should hire someone to do my taxes for me.

But, assuming that I have now done my taxes right (and I think I have the fortitude and patience for one more check tomorrow at the library, where I need to print a few forms [two for which I need to redo because of these updates and one for which I now realize I need to fill out] and then make copies of all the ones I fill out), I am a bit amazed at how small the amounts are.  It looks as though I owe about $90 federally -- no big deal; I have paid a lot more and have gotten in years past.  But the state amount is a trip.  Again, assuming I did it right, I will get a refund of, get this, one dollar.  And that's a rounding error.  

You see, the state of Minnesota does not want us to send in W-2's.  Instead, there is a state tax form to fill out where, in line by line, you put in the state tax withheld for every company you worked for the previous year.  However, Minnesota does not care for cents; I am supposed to round to the nearest dollar (.50 goes up to the next dollar) for each W-2.  If I added the real numbers for state tax withheld  for each company I worked for and then rounded the total, I would have come up with the same amount of taxes I supposedly own.  It would be a complete wash, a zero out.  But, by rounding each W-2 individually and then summing them, I eke out a buck.  I think the state will "refund" me that buck.

I'm good with a net loss of about $90.  They actually say that owing taxes is a good thing because that essentially means that you have money that "belongs" to the federal and/or state governments.  If one were savvy enough, they would take that money and invest it; the interest is then theirs to keep, unconditionally.  Conversely, getting a huge refund means that the "government" has money that really belong to you, so why are you allowing "them" to handle it for an entire year?

A few years ago I tweaked my allowances to cut down on getting money around Tax Day, and since then my refunds and/or debts have shrunk to a not-eye-popping level.  While I guess it's advantageous to pay money this time of year, having an insignificant amount to either pay or get back is better because I don't have to deal with the anxiety of either parting with another huge chunk of cash or anticipating, forgetting, and then remembering that I have a huge chunk of cash coming my way.  This not being a big deal every year is something I probably want.

Taxes -- Down The Stretch I Go

Tax Day is Tuesday, and even though I've been working on it, it kind of sprung up on me.  I don't think I even touched my documents or downloaded any forms until April Fool's Day because I was preparing the house for my parents.  Part of me thinks that my streams of income are stable enough that I can remember what I have done in years past and apply them to this year, no problem.

That's ... not going that way.  I wanted to find the work I did for last year's taxes, and for the life of me, I can't find them.  I even went to my storage locker because I thought I stashed in there (by mistake), but I couldn't find them there.  That wouldn't matter if I do the math wrong; I just worked on my taxes just now and I put in an amount on a worksheet where I should have zeroed it out instead.  Don't know what I was thinking.  If I didn't catch that, I would have paid more than I have to.  And then on top of all that I realized that the Minnesota Frontline Worker Program bonus check I got late last year is not taxable by the state but is taxable at the federal level.  I was under the impression that money was totally tax-free.  But because that qualifies as income, I have to redo my 1040.

Thank goodness I caught those errors.  That Buddha I'm working on them now.  I only have several days left, but if I had procrastinated doing them till the weekend, I'm not so sure I would have caught those mistakes.  With that being said, I can't completely dismiss the possibility I'll screw up again.

Ice Out: April 12

It's been blazingly hot the past two days.  We had a damn blizzard a week-and-a-half ago, but we got past 70 Tuesday and, I think, reached 88 yesterday/Wednesday.  We really don't have spring anymore in Minnesota; I used to be facetious about it, but nowadays I think that's true.

So whatever snow we had left was going to get eviscerated before the week was out.  Tuesday did a lot but did not deliver the final blow in our frontyard.  Yesterday did, though, so for the winter of 2022-2, Ice Out came on April 12.

Hottest Babe In The Hooters Calendar: March 2023

I'm ... OK with this group.  Well, maybe a little less than that.  Compared to January (which I still haven't jerked off to), this group of twelve women is great, but cumulatively this is a step down from February.

I will still point out a half-dozen of these waitresses for recognition.  I had this month displayed on my wall until my parents came home, and I just took it out to look at it for the first time in about a week, and I've forgotten the impressions I've gotten since I took the calendar down, so this might be a slight rush to judgement.  Nevertheless, I will say that I can group three of them as Honorable Mentions: Kaylan of Countryside, Ill. (long blonde hair; flower-patterned two-piece bikini; like the cute smile but don't like that her long hair is covering up her right boob); Kate of Richmond, Va. (dirty blonde hair; lavender two-piece; hooking the string between her two tits with her thumbs as if she's going to pull her top off that way); and Alyssa of Kennesaw, Geo. (long, bright blonde hair; no smile but she's wearing an acid-washed Hooters cut-out top).

Third place goes to Hailey, hailing from Schaumburg, Ill.  Long brunette hair, dark green two-piece bikini.  Isn't smiling and she's flat-chested.  But she's one of the very few who is posing directly at the camera and, even though her hair is covering up her right breast a tad, she's mostly, for lack of a better term, full-frontal.

Second place goes to Raegan, out of Denton, Tex.  Long dark hair, a red two-piece with orange borders on the top and the bottom.  Another one of the few "full-frontal" shots, but like with Hailey, she's lacking up top and she's not smiling.

Finally, first place goes to The Main Girl, Grace of Fort Myers Beach, Fla.  Long blonde hair with penetrating dark eyes.  Sporting an orange-and-white-patterned two-piece bikini.  There is a huge drawback to her photo: She had her left arm totally blocking her left tit.  But the right tit you can see.  It's under a bikini, of course, but the shot, where one tit is "covered" and one not triggers a fantasy in me where that right tit is totally exposed.  And she might have had work done, but she's got a huge rack.  That makes Grace a clear #1 for me.

And yet, after typing my critiques of my top three, I can see that I have some issues with the month.  Maybe I will masturbate to these babes; maybe I won't.  But I am less enthused to touch myself to March '23 after thinking about my concerns.

2023 March Madness Anti-Picks, Final

Record, Round 6: 1-0

Final Record: 19-22

Outlay, Round 6: $800.00

Winnings, Round 6: $1,527.27

Gain, Round 6: $727.27

Overall Gain: $32.63

Yeah, my goodness, I don't remember the last time I saw a team just destroy the bracket like UConn did this Year.  I'm pretty sure it's happened recently, but I don't remember it, and it certainly didn't resemble running the table with six double-digit victories like the Huskies just pulled off.  There were more than several people who thought Connecticut could win it all; I think one notable expert (Jay Bilas?) picked them to go all the way.  But they were outpolled by Alabama and Houston.  Despite the extreme topsy-turvy-ness of this NCAA men's basketball tournament, in the end -- the way, way end -- a school that looked good going into the tournament and had all the requisites advanced metrics really was the last team standing.  (And, oh yes, UConn is now a blueblood; if they weren't already, having more titles than Kansas makes you a blueblood.)

So glad I went with the Huskies even at a fairly wide -7 1/2.  San Diego St. cut it to within five with about five Minutes to go (I think), but Jordan Hawkins drilled a Three on the next possession, and they were able to breathe out the lead and finally win by 17.  That more than covered the spread, and I was able, in one killshot, to finally get completely out of the hole and into the (meager) black.  I can't ever see myself wagering $800 on a single Game (unless I'm betting against a Twin Cities sports team), but I'm glad I hypothetically came all the way back.  I even have (fake) gas money!

Thanks for looking!

Expenses Without Receipt

Starting from Easter, aka Sunday, April 9:

• Well, I think we can go back to Friday the 7th, where I finally went through my pile of coins and saw what I think is a relatively new quarter with a tails design I haven't collected yet.  I think.  I threw it in my coin cup for storage: 25 cents.
• On Monday the 3rd I wanted to use the free birthday guacamole from Chipotle.  I think this is the first time I have not ordered an entrée from Chipotle, just chips and said free guac.  Well, I had a Mexican Coke, too, because I needed some sugar and I know my parents would give me shit for it.  With tip: $6.20.
• We now go back to Thursday, March 30, where I cashed in on a free deluxe chicken sandwich given to me by Chick-Fil-A.  I ate this after dinner at home, so I didn't really need anything else to eat.  I did need something to wash it down, so I bought a kid's applesauce, which cost me: $1.87.
• On Wednesday the 29th I was hurriedly trying to get everything squeaky-clean for my parents, who were coming home that afternoon (well, early in the evening; their flight home got delayed).  I went to the same car wash twice to get both cars washed, inside and out.  I charged the washes to my credit car, but I tipped in cash -- three bucks for my small car, four for their big minivan, which means: $7.
• I then stopped by Matt's Bar to eat.  Haven't had a Jucy Lucy there in some time, and going there before picking up my folks seemed like a perfect final moment to myself before they came back home.  With tip: $22.
• To Monday the 27th: Nielsen sent me some surveys.  I have always wanted to be part of a Nielsen family.  I mean, I want my opinions to count, right?  I know my parents would hate me giving some company "private information," but I don't care.  Besides, they sent me money.  There were a couple big envelopes with a dollar bill taped to it as an inducement to fill out the survey.  I don't remember when exactly, but I must have filled one of those out, either a paper survey or an interview I did over the phone, because I was sent a crisp $20 bill some time ago.  I left it over and didn't think about it until I was picking up my things in anticipation of my parents coming home.  I finally put them in my wallet to use, an Infusion of: $21.
• Friday, March 24 ... I used cash for the McDonald's drive-thru before work.  Breakfast, and when I got change I threw it in the donation compartment below the drive-thru window.  Total: $4.
• After work ***u** came over ... to clean the house, not me.  I probably would've tried to tempt her with some, uh, extracurricular work if I weren't so fuckin' freaked out over the water leakinga all over the place in the basement.  I didn't know that she didn't like ****e*, the stripper girlfriend I usually go to to clean the house.  But while she's not as thorough as ****e*, ***u** is faster than her, and cheaper, too: $160.
• ***u** left in time for me to drive over the Potbelly to get a sandwich and, I think, something free dropped into my account because it was my birthday.  I have a receipt for this, but when I looked at my change, the remainder (the amount I paid for my food) was different than the amount on the receipt.  I don't know what the guy was doing; he might have had a bad brain fart and gave me the wrong change.  I swear to Buddha I can still do math, so I am going to forego the amount on the receipt and say that instead of paying $12.62, I got $9.35 in change for a $20, so I paid only: $10.65.
• Wednesday, March 22 ... Went to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Division) one more time before my folks came home to see my ATF, ******a.  Got lost getting there for some damn reason.  Anyway, got 20 dances with her.  With cover, a bottle of Red's, a drink for ******a and tips everywhere, I paid out: $234.
• On Tuesday the 21st ***e* came over to jack me off.  I get hard easier with her than with any other chick in my circle.  Don't know why.  Maybe I love her because she delivers every single time.  Cost: $120.
• Back on my birthday I went to the barber school close by to get my face shaved.  It was time.  Felt bad because I only had two singles on me, and I usually tip more.  These are students after all.  But I paid only: $11.
• Tuesday, March 7 -- *****a came over and gave me a HJ.  I hate that it's such an ordeal when it comes to getting off via her hands.  She's great, she's smart, I love her, and yet I feel my old age as the minutes drag on and I don't cum for her.  I finally did, but I feel real, real bad for taking way too long: $150.

Done through April 9.

I am still upset that the fucking Goofer men's hockey team failed to win a title last night.  Like I said, they were the goddamn best chance this goddamned town had to win a championship in a long, long time.  And they failed.  Had a 2-0 lead too, and they fucking choked.

All our teams choke.  It's fucking pissing me the fuck off.  It's unbearable.  I'm so mad I want to drive my head through a brick wall.

This sports town is a cursed cesspool of losers.  We'll never win shit.  Because we fucking suck.

Rant over.  For now.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  Not a bad start.  Started off the screening Week with a 7-4 win over Kansas City, finishing a road sweep of the Royals.  They then dropped two-of-three at Miami, but started the home portion of their schedule winning the first two Games of a three-Game series versus the defending World Series Champion Houston Asterisks Astros.  The pitching, particularly from the starters, has been exquisite.  Combined, all hurlers for Minnesota struck out 16 Houston batters in Friday's 3-2, ten-Inning Win and 17 in yesterday/Saturday afternoon's 9-6 victory.  Thirty-three Strikeouts against a team built by cheating?  That's very impressive.  Not enough to put them above negative numbers, don't get ahead of yourselves, but being able to mow opponents down in at-bats is going to be a great force multiplier if they can keep this up.

One more vs. Houston, then the White Sox come to town for three before they play at Yankee Stadium for four beginning Thursday.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  They eked out a five-Point Win at Brooklyn, which was clutch, and they blew out the Spurs in a tilt that was being played in Austin for some reason.  But I have to go back to Sunday, where they hosted a Portland team that had already been eliminated from postseason contention and had shut down Damian Lillard for the season ... and lost, 107-105.  It didn't necessarily damage their standing when it comes to the Play-In Games, but this/Sunday afternoon's finale versus The Bastard Charlotte Hornets -- played at Target Center, so they had to hightail it back here after playing in Austin -- is mammoth; the Timberwolves sit ninth while New Orleans sits eighth.  The Team That Was Stolen From Us is seventh, but Minnesota technically could finish as high as seventh and thus be in the same position as they were last Year, being able to host (and win) the first Play-In contest.  Necessary for that to happen, of course, is for them to win.  But one more victory could have pushed more tie-breakers their way.  Now, there's a good chance they'll host The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics in the 9/10 Game On Wednesday and then have to play on the road Friday to get to the playoffs.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -2).  Meanwhile, the Mild got nipped by Las Vegas in a Shootout at the X and got blasted by a desperate Pittsburgh squad Thursday before handling St. Louis at home last/Saturday night.  I keep comparing the Mild with the Woofie Dogs for this Week's WMNSS and even though the Mild went 1-2, the record for the Week is only one reason I have the Mild below the Woofie Dogs.  Yes, the Mild have a better overall regular season record, and yes, it appears as though both teams will fall short of reaching a plateau that will spare them more difficulties once the playoffs start -- for the Woofie Dogs it's getting at least the sixth Seed and thus escaping the Play-Ins; for the Mild it's capturing the Central Division crown.  But for now, it looks as though Minnesota will, once again, be third in the Division standings, and for this Year, there's a likelihood they'll face The Bastard North Stars.  While I want sweet revenge on The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0, after seeing the leg-pissing the Goofer men's hockey team did in the title Game (see all the way below), I have no belief any Minnesota team will grow some balls and win when they are not supposed to.  For fuck's sake, Twin Cities clubs can't win when they are supposed to.  So I am sort of leaning on the burden the Minnesota pro hockey sports team bears in ranking them below the Minnesota pro basketball team.

But I digress.  On the bright side, the Mild are only two Points behind The Bastard North Stars and The Bastard Quebec Nordiques, and there are three Games left to play in the regular season.  And they'll all be played this Week: In Chicago tomorrow/Monday, home to The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers (who are fighting The Bastard Atlanta Flames for the final spot in the Western Conference) the very next night, and at Nashville Thursday.

#-4: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  Split a series-ending Doubleheader at home vs. Penn St. Sunday, then got tripled by Indiana Friday before winning 6-5 yesterday/Saturday afternoon on a Game-ending Sacrifice Fly which, wow, ended the Hoosiers' winning streak of 23 Games.  Kayla Chavez was the winning Run, and that is the second time I have mentioned her name here.  This Week: One more against Indiana this/Sunday afternoon, then three at Michigan St. starting on Friday.

#-5: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  Won a Big Ten series for the first time in a long time (I think) by tripling up Ohio St. in Columbus Sunday.  Even with a Shutout defeat to Purdue on Friday and a 15-3 blowout Loss to the Boilermakers yesterday/Saturday afternoon, I kind of think this program has started to turn the corner.  I mean, they can't get any worse than the past couple seasons, right?  Oh yeah, their two midweek tilts have been cancelled (St. Thomas) or postponed (South Dakota St.) presumably because it's too cold.  After Purdue this/Sunday afternoon, they're scheduled to play North Dakota St. on Tuesday and a three-Game set at Siebert versus Iowa beginning Friday.

#-6: United FC (Last Week: 0).  Didn't expect their first Loss of the Year would come against Chicago (albeit on the road), but they did, 2-1 last/Saturday night.  Well, at least they lost on the road.  They host Orlando Saturday night.

#-Infinity: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!).  All I can say is ... fuck you guys.  I don't care how bad you feel.  Fuck all you guys.  You represented the best chance for a Twin Cities championship in years, if not decades, if not a generation, featuring The Best Forward Line In Program History.  I mean that.

And you motherfuckers actually had a 2-0 lead.  And you choked, motherufucking big time.  All those haters who say #GoldenChokers?  They're right.  They're right and you know it.  And now we have to continue being #MinnesotaIsLoservilleUSA because of you goddamn failures.

I am now convinced I won't see a championship from a major sports team in town (and the Gopher men's hockey team probably is the cutline; if you think a Twin Cities team is less popular than them, then they're not a major sports team) as long as I live.  Fuck, at this rate, I won't see a championship from any sports team in town as long as I live.  We fucking suck at sports.  Guess we're OK when it comes to quality of life issues, but sports?  We're shit.  We fuckin' blew it when the Gopher women's hockey team got upset by Wisconsin.  We fuckin' blew it when the Whitecaps lost to Toronto in OT of the Isobel Cup Final.  And now we fuckin' blew it here.  My God, I want to fucking shoot myself.

(By the way, I was debating whether to watch this Game or go watch the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert.  I ultimately decided to go to the concert because 1) I saw a deal where someone was selling a nosebleed seat for cheap and, combined with a credit I got for being a season-ticketholder for United FC, I got in for less than eight bucks, and 2) I thought they were going to lose.  Would I give up watching RHCP to see them lose?  Fuck no; if they would have won, I would have been happy seeing the headline on my way out of U. S. Bank Stadium.  But while waiting for the outgoing crowd to clear so I could buy a t-shirt, I put on The Athletic and saw that those shitheads lost.  I made the right choice.)

It speaks to the popularity of the Goofer men's hockey team that so, so many people are pissed off at them for fucking this up.  There are a lot of angry, upset, hurt, and demoralized fans that are now convinced we are a damned sports fanbase.  It is cold comfort, but it seems like more people are coming around to my way of thinking.  If this is a catalyst for being even more furious at the decades-long mediocrity of local sports teams, and if that leads to those teams actually doing something in order to finally win a championship -- well, the viciousness and toxicity spewing out of all of our mouths right now would be worth it.  But I'm not holding my breath.

Meanwhile, I will put the U. men's hockey team on par with the U. volleyball team.  I might watch Games if the tickets are dirt cheap, but until you actually goddamn win something, I'm done.  And so I go back to my original point: Fuck you guys.

EVERYBODY SUCKS IN THIS GODDAMN SPORTS TOWN!!!  NO ONE CAN FUCKING WIN ANYTHING AROUND HERE!!!

Planned Saturday Taken From Me

It was supposed to be a Saturday where I planned to continue working on my taxes before going to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert tonight.  But then my fucking parents say the alarm isn't working because for some reason the damn landline isn't connecting to the alarm.  We tested the alarm twice -- God, that sound -- and the alarm company said they didn't pick up any signal that the alarm was triggered.

So, My Fucking Mother jumped from "tell the phone company something's wrong" to "lets cut the cord on the landline."  They called the person who installed our alarm, and the guy said it can be done.  So, I'm supposed to just end the service with our landline ... and thus give up the home phone number we have had ever since I was born.

I'm way too fucking busy right now, and I'm very, very upset because I had my Saturday all planned out.  But this news has me very shaken.  I can't really blog post about this now because I'm still processing it.

Addendum To: Addendum To: Still Leaking Water

Uh, guess it's not leaking water anymore.  Went downstairs to see everything dry -- no leaks anywhere, especially under the water heater.  No knotted-up rags or old clothes around any of the pipes, either ... even though the pipes don't exactly look new.  Took a shower upstairs and I didn't hear any droplets coming through the ceiling or walls, thank God.

So why are there still buckets of water sitting on the kitchen counter?

Reset; Addendum To: Still Leaking Water

First time in some time I went home and immediately went to bed.  No TV, no computer.  I was out after work, going to the Auto Show and then stopping by this hotel restaurant that's closing next month.  The two glasses of wine probably were the main reason I was able to immediately crash in bed all night after coming home, but I was burning the candle and both ends, too.  Feel refreshed now, something I need to do since I will be up on my feet for most of the first half of work today.  That's worth missing a day of Zynga Poker, going from just short of Day 7/400% and tumbling all the way back down to Day 1/whatever percent that is.

(By the way, I love the service at the restaurant, but one entree, one desert and two glasses totaling $90 is kind of pricey especially given the portion sizes.  That's one thing I noticed many of the reviews critiquing this place.  Regardless, I'm glad I went.)

---

Meanwhile, I just woke up to hearing drips of water in the basement.  I did look downstairs after getting home.  All the pipes were set up.  I thought all was fixed.  Nope.

Still Leaking Water

Still gushing water downstairs.  Came back late last night and saw Father mopping up.  Also saw everything that was in the boiler room moved out, and a bunch of pipes strewn around the floor.  Father thought about removing all the copper pipes because we could hear the sound of droplets everywhere.  Unless the new water heater and the fixes from the leaks I pointed out didn't take, it appears as though Father decided to go for the brass ring, replace it all but DIY ... and maybe he couldn't DIY.

I appreciate him trying to fix everything, but I saw him mopping the entire floor after I did a two-minute shower.  I hope everything's going to be OK, and I hope he'll be OK.

Money In, Money Out

This is a sobering thought that I knew but wanted to keep in the back of my mind.  Just tonight I scheduled my credit card payments.  I have two, and combined I am paying about two grand.  It is not the first month I have shelled out more than two grand to pay down my credit card bills.  But I'm digressing.  While hoping you don't pin down how much I really make, I realized (or finally confronted the fact) that that is about how much money I make in two pay periods.  If you say that's roughly twice a month, that means all the money I'm making I immediately have to pay out in order to settle up on my credit cards.

I remember the pandemic.  Instead of going out and eating, I was holed up in my bedroom, scared that the air was going to kill me, and all I was doing all day was surfing the Internet.  But I wasn't spending anything.  Meanwhile, I was working, and slowly but relentless I saw my checking account go up and up.  Well, even though the pandemic isn't "over" over, it's over, and for the past couple years I've been spending money like I was a playboy.  It gets worse when my parents are away; I have to pay money for food, and beyond that I feel like I have the freedom to eat like a king, and I do that frequently.

And so the credit card bills pile up.  It wasn't bad at first, I swear.  But it's been about two grand combined for the past several months.  And I didn't really sweat it ever since Mother told me when she and Father were coming home.  That's because I would have free meals every night, and really, if I wanted to, I would eat the lunch they set out for me before I go to work.  I can also eat lunch with them on the weekends.  So, even if I decide to go out once in a while, I figure I would be saving money in the long run with them in town because they're providing the food.

That still might be the case.  It ain't happening this week.  Last/Monday night I thought work would be so overwhelming that I thought I should just eat out.  (Turns out work was abnormally light, but since I said I would be out, I instead went to my storage unit to go read some old literature, then go to the library to print out some tax forms, then eat at Chipotle to use the free guacamole they gave me as a birthday present.)  Tonight/Tuesday night I plan on seeing Quantumania before it disappears from theaters for good.  After work tomorrow/Wednesday I am going to the Twin Cities Auto Show.  Thursday I am at home, thank goodness.  And Friday I work second shift, so I plan on grabbing some food to eat for dinner before going into work.

I hope I don't have another week like this.  I could use even one week of just settling down and just driving to and from work.  Even one week of keeping my wallet closed would do me a world of good.  But seriously, I need to curtail my spending period, and not just hope my parents will save me from myself.

2023 March Madness Anti-Picks, Round 6

Record, Round 5: 1-2

Overall Record: 18-22

Outlay, Round 5: $650.00

Winnings, Round 5: $572.73

Loss, Round 5: $77.27

Overall Loss: $694.64

I would have liked to have seen the ending of the San Diego St.-Florida Atlantic Game, in retrospect.  I was watching soccer all day Saturday and missed Lamont Butler's Game-winning, buzzer-beating shot for the Aztecs.  This tournament hasn't had one of those yet, a bucket to win with absolutely no time left.  That's what makes March Madness so special.

And yet there's a part of me that isn't too crushed about missing it, and would probably do it again if I didn't know that's how it would end.  For one thing, I have money on it through the two pools I'm in, and I would be too damn anxious to watch a Game I had money on because I would be angry at myself for losing money if I were wrong.  Also, and this is a secondary factor, I yet again raise my objection that watching this tournament has been appreciably worse ever since CBS split the package with Turner and the NCAA increased the field to a disharmonious 68 teams.  While I knew the Semifinals would be on Channel 4, sometimes I have to see whether a particular Year's Final Four will be on CBS or on TBS.  It would suck to be on the latter, not only because it's cable, but also because TBS does not carry men's college basketball Games throughout the season, and thus has no legitimate right to broadcast the most important Games of the season in even Years.

Well, I went off on a tangent by cutting open a vein.  Anyway, I would have loved to have seen that ending even though the Aztecs failed to cover at -2 1/2, thus also blowing my parlay.  And so I come to the NCAA National Championship Game with a big (albeit hypothetical) hole I want to dig out of.

So, what is my play?

---

1) Connecticut -7 1/2 (The line scares me.  It opened at a pretty high -6 1/2 and the public has bet on the Huskies anyway.  I will say that UConn has been the Borg through The Big Dance while San Diego St. has had to pull a couple Houdini acts.  To play devil's advocate, Defense does win championships, and it's hard to remain prolific in scoring six Games in a row.  Can it happen?  Sure, in which case the margin for error for the Aztecs widens.  But damn, the Huskies are deep and flexible and can beat you in so many ways.  Really, the only way for Connecticut to lose is if they beat themselves, most notably through cold shooting, which San Diego St. can have a big hand in.  But I will rely on the five-Game sample size of UConn and predict they'll dominate SDSU, cover the spread, win another title and become a blue blood in top-flight men's college basketball -- and let me finish in the black) $800

Good luck!  And since this Game starts at the stupid time of 8:20 Central, hope you can stay awake for the whole thing!

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: United FC (Last Week: -3).  People were playing up MNUFC's showdown at St. Louis City SC as a clash between two undefeated sides.  That's a little misleading; the Loons are undefeated, but while they've won twice, they've tied twice, too.  I'm still figuring out how to say a soccer club has won every Game they've played in, say, a winning streak.  City, for example; are they 5-for-5?  Are they perfect through five Matches?  (Saying "15 Points through 5 Matches," like it seems every English play-by-play person says when describing that, is a mouthful, and I'm trying to find something more brief.)

Anyway, regardless, last/Saturday night's tilt was a big early-season one, and I'll be goddamned, the Loons pulled off the 1-0 Win!  It didn't start out promising.  Both teams apparently thrive on the counter-attack, so one team had to possess the ball out of character.  That team was City, and it looked like it was going to stomp through United FC.  But the team, missing a couple people due to injury and illness, bowed up on Defense and got to the Half scoreless.  Then, somehow, Minnesota asserted its will in the Game.  St. Louis is scary good, very imposing and tough in getting the ball back by pressing high, but they continued to not back down.  Finally, St. Louis Defender Kyle Hiebert committed a foul in the box on the Loons' ... well, I don't know, but Minnesota got a Penalty Kick from it, and Luis Amarilla slotted it home for the only Goal of the Game.

Like I said, the Loo is a really good team.  But while I admire their early success in their expansion Year, I still have reservations about them being so good in their expansion Year.  I think any team's first Year in existence in a league should be like an internship, or probation, you know?  I'm still incensed that the Las Vegas Golden Knights went to the Stanley Cup Finals in their first Year.  They were given as good a squad as any playoff contender could wish to assemble, and the NHL was in on getting that club's owner as good an outfit from the start to ensure success in a city that had never had a major league franchise.  That's not fair.  City's origins are different -- they had to bring in a lot of their own guys, and I presume without the input of MLS -- but it still wouldn't sit well with me if they make a postseason run.  So chalk me up to really, really liking City losing fucking finally.  It puts them in their rightful place.  That my team was the one to give that side their first-ever Loss, and at their pitch, no less?  *Chef's kiss*  That's why not only is United FC in the top spot this survey, they're above negative numbers.

They remain on the road, playing at Soldier Field versus The Chicago Fire.  Remember, they are perfect on the road, winning 3-of-3.

#-1: Twins (New Season!).  So far, so good.  They're perfect on the road as well, winning 2-of-2 at Kansas City to start the Year.  But you've got to admit that it's Kansas City, after all, and while winning both clashes 2-0, the reconstituted Lineup without American League batting champ Luis Arraez has yet to pop.  Fortunately, the Starting Pitching is looking promising.  The main piece for which Arraez was traded to Miami, SP Pablo Lopez, struck out eight Royals in 5+ Innings, and Sonny Gray also did his job, albeit also only getting into the Sixth Inning.

One more in K. C. this/Sunday afternoon, then they go visit Arraez and Miami for three starting on Monday.  They finally open up home play Thursday and Saturday vs. the defending World Series champion Houston Asterisks Astros.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: 0).  Don't want to be a buzzkill.  They faced a buzzsaw this past screening Week, facing three teams that probably are going to reach the playoffs.  On Monday they whipped The Seattle Kraken, 5-1.  Then, on Wednesday, they went to Denver and doubled up The Bastard Quebec Nordiques, 4-2, in a very important meeting that might set up further meetings in the postseason.  (Colorado might not have been motivated to win this Game as much as Minnesota was, but I will ignore that possibility.)  But last/Saturday night, they got blitzed by the (Las) Vegas Golden Knights, 4-1.  It was the first time in 22 Games they've lost in regulation, meaning for each of the past 21 Games before last/Saturday night they won at least one Point.  That's how they went from the playoff bubble to the top of the Central Division.  But as of press time they're on top only by one Point, and that drubbing by The Team That Was Born On Third Base And Thought It Hit A Triple, even though it's the Wild's first defeat by that type in Weeks, could push them back into third a proverbial series where they don't have home-ice advantage.  The margin for error is that razor-thin, even though it always seems to be the case for Twin Cities teams.

Six Games and two Weeks left in the regular season.  They complete a home-and-home with Las Vegas as they host the Golden Knights Monday.  They then play in Pittsburgh Thursday, then come back to the X to play St. Louis Saturday.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  They might be only 6-20, but I want to think this is the best squad this program has had since the beginning of the pandemic.  They started Big Ten play coming back from a 2-0 in the top of the Ninth Inning to defeat Ohio St. in Columbus, 3-2.  Sure, they lost yesterday/Saturday afternoon, 6-2, but I don't remember comebacks of any kind from this Nine last season, or the season before that.

After finishing up with the Buckeyes, they begin a ten-Game homestand.  They play St. Thomas Tuesday, South Dakota St. Wednesday, then Purdue for a three-Game series beginning Friday.

#-4: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  I'm beginning to think these players are going to struggle getting into the NCAA Tournament this Year as well.  They started off the Week getting swept by Northwestern with a Doubleheader Loss, 9-1 in 5 Innings (this was delayed from the day before, presumably due to the weather) and 5-1.  They started home league play with a dramatic 2-0 win over Penn St. on Friday afternoon on a Game-ending, two-Run Home Run by Kayla Chavez in the bottom of the Seventh Inning.  That Match was pushed up from the planned evening date because of the goddamn blizzard that assailed the Twin Cities -- or at least that's what I thought I saw on the athletic department website last week.  Anyway, yesterday/Saturday's originally scheduled Game was pushed to today/Sunday, and will thus be played as an afternoon DH.  They'll then host Indiana the following weekend; presumably, they'll be able to play Friday's Game at 5 and Saturday's Game on, you know, Saturday.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -1).  Shit, man, things are falling apart for the Timberwolves at the worst time.  The Week starting out so promising.  They went to San Francisco and, in a battle of teams right around Play-In territory, outlasted Golden State last Sunday, 99-96.  They then went up California and denied Sacramento a victory that would have given them their first postseason birth in, like, a long time by beating them, 119-115.  (The Kings won their next Game; their clinching of a playoff spot broke the active franchise record for longest playoff drought from organizations in The Four Major Sports.  That record now goes to the New York Jets.)

But Kevin Durant decided to come back from injury Wednesday, just in time to hand the visiting Wolves a 107-100 defeat, breaking their winning streak at four.  And then the roof really caved in.  First it was revealed that key reserve Naz Reid broke his wrist and will be out for six Weeks.  And then, apparently, a flu bug of some sort began infecting the whole team, just as The Bastard Minneapolis Lakers came to town on Friday.  And as they are fighting for their playoff lives, they handed the Woofie Dogs a 123-111 setback.

For all their good fortune to start the screening Week, they now sit, as of press time, ninth in the Western Conference.  And they have only four Games and eight Days left in their regular season.  The saving grace for them is that two of their remaining opponents are just playing out the string, and Minnesota faces them this Week: Portland at home this/Sunday afternoon, San Antonio on the road Saturday afternoon.  But they also visit playoff-bound Brooklyn Tuesday.  And, by the way, they are only two Games ahead of Dallas for 11th and being out of the playoff race altogether ... although they're only two Games behind Golden State for fifth, too.  Man, I've never seen such a compressed conference standings before in my life.

#-Infinity: Whitecaps (Re-Entry!).  And the wait for a local championship continues.  They fought in the PHF Isobel Cup Final in Arizona Sunday, tying up the score at 1- and 2-all vs. The Toronto Six.  They even took the lead in the Third Period before the Six tied it up.

I was at my alumni club's watering hole in downtown Minneapolis sorta watching the Game.  The big TV in front of me (I was sitting at the bar) was showing the Timberwolves contest, and then I had the bartender switch it over to the Regional Final featuring Caitlin Clark and the Iowa Hawkeyes (and by the way, her and their win over South Carolina in the National Semifinal Friday night will be seen as a milestone moment for women's basketball).  I couldn't watch the Isobel Cup Final even though I wanted to watch it, you know?  It was on on a TV behind me, and that was OK by me; I would just look over my shoulder to check on the score.  That way, if the Whitecaps were closing in on the title, I would just get up and walk over to see the end.  If they were about to lose, I could keep my back to it and ignore it completely.

But no, this Match had to be tied at the end of regulation, just as I had my fill of food and really had no reason left to stay.  That's when the broadcast, as it came back from break, detailed the rules for Overtime.  I assumed it was your usual 5-on-5, 20-Minute OT Periods, sudden death.  Oh, no.  It was one 20-Minute Period of Overtime, but only 3-on-3.  They listed that if the Game were still tied after that, then they would go to a Shootout, but who are they fucking fooling, they wouldn't get to a Shootout under that format.  It was going to end in OT.

And it did, and of fucking course the Minnesota team fell short.  I don't know the details nor seen the Championship-winning Goal, but I heard it was a real bad fucking turnover, and I can die believing that happened.

Hey, these Whitecaps came in on an eight-Game losing streak, the first of which I saw in person.  They were listing bad, and then they up and stunned the best team in the league and the most accomplished squad in league history, The Boston Pride, winning two straight Games in Boston.  And like I said, they came back from two deficits.  But that's not the same as winning.  And they didn't.  They're losers.  We Minnesotans are losers.  And it's a stain we will keep as we hope the Gopher men's hockey team can win the Frozen Four.  I won't be holding my breath.