So my alma mater lost last night and the Jynx lost last night.  There will be no undefeated season nor College Playoff Spot, and certainly no WNBA Championship.  Life fucking blows.  But at least I am working the Vikings broadcast this weekend.  Well, "working," because right now I am blogging this at work.  I can do this because the person I'm ostensibly working for says to relax and not worry about things until I'm asked.

The only thing that makes me feel better is to feel productive.  So hopefully I'll have time to blog this, catch up on my receipts, and do both the WMNSS and the EWR. 

Hey, One Thing About This Job ...

... that I am now finishing early next week (it can go as late as Tuesday because I picked up a new job that might not start until Wednesday) is that I can nap there.  The conditions aren't ideal; it's just a suburban lot.  Also, the lot is oriented in such a way that the sun sneaks around the windshield screen and hits the side of the passenger seat, so for sunny days (of which there haven't been many) I have to recline in the driver's seat, which makes things a little more uncomfortable because I have to put my feet around the pedals.

However, for most days during my lunch break I have been able to sleep soundly.  Maybe it's because it's turning to fall.  But usually in these conditions it is to difficult for me to fall asleep, yet it's typically fine most of the time, so I want to attribute some of that to this job.

Of course, I'm not taking a nap now.  I'm typing this at home.  I ate a lot at Hooters yesterday, and I felt the urge to shit, and the bathrooms aren't the greatest at work (you know, I should blog about that) and since it's so close to home, for lunch I drove home to use the bathroom.  Along with a restful sleep environment, being able to drive home and back in time for lunch, even just this once, is a perk of this assignment I will miss.

#RIPHef

My God, it's happened.  Hugh Hefner died last (Wednesday) night.  I saw it from a Facebook status update posted by a Facebook friend who was a Playmate (or is a Playmate -- Hef always said, "Once a Playmate, always a Playmate").  I knew he was getting up there in age -- he died at age 91, same age (assuming we are correct) that Grandmother died -- but like someone on Twitter said, he had lived so long we just assumed that, you know, he'd keep on living.

But no, Death comes for all of us, even those who singlehandedly changed American and world culture.  I mean, think about it: Pornography (and I don't want to get into a discussion about whether Playboy is porn or not, just know that fuck yeah it is) was a dirty secret kept away from polite society, so crammed down into the recesses of the American id that anybody who even spoke about female nudity was deemed to be a pervert.  Actually, anybody who does like to see naked female bodies is most likely a pervert.  Hey, you gotta be me.  But Hugh Hefner made it mainstream.  He brought out the female form as art you could be aroused by to the masses and said it was OK.

Hef (and I call him by his nickname like I knew him, even though the only time I ever saw him was at a book signing back in college ... oh yeah, where is that coffee table book?!) also was credited for liberating female thought as well as female bodies.  There has always been a belief that Hugh Hefner was exploiting women; and not for nothing, but I heard some rumblings that Playmate photos had been sold in recent years to porn sites without the Playmates' consent.  But the idea that women were just sex objects to him, while a big part of his success and personal lifestyle, did not tell the whole story.  From what I can tell, he was a big believer in civil rights and freedom of speech.  That cuts both ways; Playboy seems to have a libertarian streak that made right-wingers and gun nuts feel at home in the pages of his magazine.  But especially early on, he was a champion of promoting famous people of color and women's liberation.  For every woman who thought Hef was an oppressor, another one thanked him for allowing her to be who she really wanted to be -- namely, a fully-formed, fully-sexualized adult.  Yes, female nudity and sex -- pornography -- can easily be exploited.  But the truth about Hugh Hefner is that he was much, much more than that.

So for that reason, or for the fact that he was a self-made man who built an empire out of his own hands, or for the indisputable imprint he made in publishing and in modern culture in the 20th century, or (it always comes back to this, I admit) normalizing porn to the world and helping me to discover my everlasting lust for boobies and pussies (and thus masturbation), I say, Thanks, Mr. Hefner.  I say this in all seriousness; with the exception of those in my family and my high school counselor, you were the most influential man in my life.  I will miss you, as will every heterosexual male in the world.

RIP, Hef.

So Far, Not Bad

OK, so training my replacement has been a breeze.  She's nice, on the ball, and she picks things up really quickly.  And she didn't second-guess me, like that bitch from the flu biller place.  On Monday I had her watch me go through all the invoicing while she followed on the instructions I was given, with several additions.  On Tuesday I had her do it while I looked on, and she was perfect.  Well, she wasn't, but that was because I didn't write down the right instructions for her, so it was all my fault.

Other than that she is really nice and attentive.  And other than worrying about how she's going to get slammed with all the monthly bills that will roll in later this week, I think she's going to do just fine.  I'm not sure if it's because of me or despite me, but I have to say that I'm not feeling all that stressed anymore about helping her.

Maybe I'm actually cut out for this training stuff.

I Fucking Hate The Jynx

They get their vaginas blown off to start the game, 28-3, then they cough up the game-winning basket at the end?  Honestly, I've stopped getting a heart attack over My Asshole Brother because this fucking team, this supposed "dynasty," just choked up home-court advantage.  And now there's no goddamn way to they're going to win the WNBA Finals.  Getting home-court two years in a row and getting upset both years, to the same fucking team (by God, the Los Angeles Sparks might be The Team I Hate The Most.  Well, next to The Bastard North Stars)?  Disgusting.  Shameful.

I don't think I'm hard on them because they're women.  I'm hammering them because they're supposed to be the best team in the WNBA and for the past two fucking seasons they've failed to prove it.  I have a #hottake for ya: The best place a team can be is, of course, champion.  The second-best place a team can be is getting the #1 pick in the draft.  The worst place a team can be is losing in the championship series.  That's where the Jynx are now.  Losers.

Even Head Coach Cheryl Reeve agress with me.  They're losers.  And it doesn't matter if her ass-kicking propels the Jynx to beat L.A. by 30 tonight.  They're going to lose Games 3 and 4 on the road.  (I don't care what happened last year!)  They're fucking goddamn losers, and I'm ashamed of them if they lose this series, I really am.

Where I Toss Out All The Tomatoes

So I guess it was bound to happen.  I was doing my best to go through all the tomatoes that were left for me by my parents in this bag, but there are so many goddamn tomatoes!  I tried to be disciplined, cutting them up for salads I bring to work and sometimes having them with my egg sandwiches, but I can't just eat all of them in one fell swoop.

Reading all the information I could find online about it, I knew it was a matter of time before the tomatoes, even though the process slows because they're in the refrigerator, would go bad.  I was just hoping for some dead giveaways and praying that I could eat tomatoes that are giving some not-so definitive signs that they're getting rotten.

I think I reached a turning point last (Monday) night.  One of the big signs of bad tomatoes is seeing juice underneath them.  Well, I was picking through some of the big tomatoes to put on my salad and my Subway footlong, and when I picked up one of them, I saw this, uh, shitstain in the bottom of the paper bag.  It felt soft all around, and I know that I have eaten tomatoes similarly soft, but the juice emanating from it and reaching the bag was enough for me; into the trash it went.

I then started feeling around the other tomatoes that have been in the bag for a few weeks now.  Some of them were just oozing, more slime than tomatoes; they went.  Some of them were OK but left wet spots in the bag; they went as well.  Maybe I was overreacting, but once I got to deciding to chuck the first tomatoes I saw, it got much easier to throw away many, many more.  In fact, I think I used the four tomatoes I think are still (relatively?) good.  There may be, uh, two dozen cherry tomatoes of varying degress of health and aesthetic pleasantness and a dozen big tomatoes left in the bag, all of which have diseases that means, at best, they're partially edible.  Hell, if I look in the bag tomorrow I might decide to throw them all away.

That triggered a fear of the tomatoes that are supposed to follow the ones in the fridge, the ones I have kept on the kitchen counter.  I kept them there partially to let them ripen and partially because I read that it's better to keep them in room temperature than to store them, but mostly I left them there because I had no room in the bag with all the tomatoes in the fridge.  That's not an issue now, so I took some tomatoes downstairs to wash them (something I have found out I should not do -- too late).  But when I took them out of the container they were in, I saw that some of them -- if not a lot of them -- had mold on them.  Now that's a sign I shouldn't eat those tomatoes.  So right now I have, like, two or three dozen tomatoes I have to throw away tomorrow.  What a goddamn waste.

I'm now more worried than ever about the tomatoes I washed downstairs.  One site seems to say that if tomatoes have been in the vicinity of a tomato with mold, all those tomatoes have to be thrown away, too.  You've got to be fucking kidding me!

I lament all the bad food I have to throw away.  Food waste is a huge cultural issue, and I just did it with impunity.  And yet, because I've already done it, and I'm doing it for the sake of my health, I'm not dejected or hating myself.  I just have ... a lot of shit I have to throw away.

But still, such a damn waste.

Training My Replacement

So the person who is taking over my job -- well, the job that I am filling in on an interim basis -- is coming today/Monday.  Naturally ... naturally?  Is that word?  Anyway, since she is taking over this job -- my job -- and she doesn't know how to do it, I will be tasked with telling her what to do and how to do it.  Well, to the best of my ability, because even after a month I think I know how to do, um, half of the stuff I'm supposed to do.

I hate training.  I go back to that third and final year at the flu billing place where I was thrust into training about 16 people to do my job.  In retrospect, I should have been paid double for all that shit, or at least got a full-time job.  I'm back to doing that again, if only for a week, and I'm nervous.  I felt like I needed to look presentable, so I got my hair cut Saturday afternoon and I just got done shaving my face after showering.  (That didn't go so well.  Blade must be dull; should get a new one.)

I don't know if it's going to help.  I'm going to be such a mess in telling her all that I know (which is not much) that I think I'll leave her in worse shape than she came in.  I'm just not good at communicating what needs to be done to another person.  I wasn't good at it at the flu biller place, and I sure as fuck won't be good at it now.  I thought I should think about it this weekend, but I haven't thought about it one peep.  Which sucks because I'll be there for 40 hours and she'll be there for 40 hours and neither one of us will know what to do with each other after I stammer out instructions.

But a thought came through my head this weekend: Why in the hell am I so worried about training my replacement?  I mean, I'm training my replacement -- I am teaching things to the person who is taking my job.  Why in the fuck would I be so enthused about doing that?  Shit, why would I even prepare myself to do that?  What vested interest do I have in helping my successor succeed?  And come to think of it, why can't I get this job full-time?

This brings me back to a test scoring project I did late in the summer.  The first day (and have I blogged about this?) we were told that we probably won't be doing this project ever again because we are training a machine to grade essays.  We were training our replacement there, too.  I don't know how in the hell artificial intelligence can score papers, and even if they can, I don't see what state Departments of Education would want to rely on computers for kids' educational prospects.  But that was the deal.  And like a chump I went to work anyway, getting that AI so good at what we've been doing just fine for years that it'll just push us into poverty.  That same shit is going on here, and I should be in a better position to avoid debasing myself into doing bullshit like that.

(By the way, for those who asked why I feel this way when I was trained for this job by the person I succeeded; she was leaving this job on her own for a different position.  She was not forced to train her replacement like I am.)

So why am I doing this?  I don't know.  I really don't think it's in my best interest to train her with gusto.  But there are, I think, two reasons which prevent me from totally blowing this off.  First of all, while she is the person who's taking my job from me, it's not really her fault.  I'm sure she has no ill intent to maliciously push me into unemployment.  And second of all (and this may be the salient point), I was told when I got this assignment that they are looking for someone else.  As much as I think it's logical to be considered for this post, I was told from the outset that they're conducting a job hunt while I was doing the work.  So this shouldn't be a surprise.

But it still sucks.  So I may or may not think about what I'm going to say.  If I get a reputation for being a malcontent, that's alright.  I would be standing up for myself, my dignity and my principles.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Lynx (Last Week: -1).  Turns out the Washington Mystics did not pose much of a challenge after all.  They Jynx finished the sweep Sunday afternoon in D.C., whipping them 81-70.  And so the series WNBA fans (both of them -- kidding!) expected and hoped will happen: Minnesota plays the defending champion (but 2-seed) Los Angeles Sparks, which swept the Phoenix Mercury (although they won Game 3 by only one point), in the best-of-five WNBA Finals.  ESPN's proprietary (and opaque) BPI gives Minnesota a 52.1% chance to win their fourth title.  But I wonder what percentage chance they had to win it all last year, and look at what happened.  One local reporter thinks the Sparks are deeper than the Jynx, and that might make all the difference.

Too much talk, not enough rock.  Game 1 is Sunday, Game 2 is Tuesday; both of those games are at "home," which in this case will be Williams Arena.  Game 3 is Friday at Staples Center.

#-2: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3).  The #1 team in the land started off Big Ten play without much of a hitch, defeating Michigan Friday at Maturi in four.  Wish I had more to say, but I have to work the Vikings game this morning and I'm kind of tired.  I will say, however, that this club has a very busy screening week.  They host Michigan St. at high noon this (Sunday) afternoon (the women's soccer team is also playing in the Twin Cities; I assume both teams are chartering the same flight to save money for the athletic department?), but play four straight after that match.  The first two matches, in fact, come back-to-back Friday and Saturday, and before they head to Iowa, they first face Nebraska.  Their undefeated record will be sorely tested this week.

#-3: United FC (Last Week: -6).  So even though my alma mater's game ended well before 7 yesterday (Saturday), after my friend gave me a ride to my car, I looked up the Green Line/Central Corridor's schedule.  There was a chance that, if I ran in five minutes to the station, I would get there in time for me to catch Opening Kick.  More realistically, however, I would have to wait to catch the 6:46 and get to the station closest to Das Bank at 6:59.  I forgot that, unlike international league games, TV dictates that Major League Soccer matches start at, like, eight minutes after the top of the hour.  But then I thought that I would have to walk to the other side of the stadium (that's where the gates are), then I would have to wait in security, and then I would have to walk up the stairs to get to my seat.  Could I do all that in nine minutes?  I feel secure in saying no.  So I went home and, after flipping through the Loons' match vs. FC Dallas and two college football games, I fell asleep.

I did see the first half of the match, however, in particular Miguel Ibarra's sweet volley from Ibson's chip to give MNUFC a 2-1 lead.  I am happy for Batman; I think he has been maligned in Manager Adrian Heath's doghouse, and this shows he has a place in MLS:

Still send it!

Full #MINvFCD Highlights » https://t.co/3IIpb76ABs pic.twitter.com/dAsZ30YYSJ

— Minnesota United FC (@MNUFC) September 24, 2017

That Ibarra goal turned out to be the game-winner as United won back-to-back games for the first time ever. And they won going away, 4-1 to a Dallas team that had been leading the Western Conference in late July but has accumulated only four points in the two months since.  This might be a win against a side in a tailspin, and ultimately it doesn't vault the team into playoff contention (despite the strenuous optimism of the commentators on TV), but right now I'm rooting for my team not to finish dead last in the west.  They are third from the bottom, so that's good.

There are five games left in the regular season.  Four of them are on the road, which makes sense because the Gopher football team is playing games at TCF Bank Stadium.  They visit Houston Saturday.

#-4: Twins (Last Week: -5).  A 4-3 week.  I had not noticed until recently that the American League Wild Card chase is seen to be sort of turgid, and with the teams behind the Twinks having similarly chopping weeks (the Angels and the Rangers are 3 or 3 1/2 games behind as of press time), the Magic Number for Minnesota to take ALWC2 is 4.

And yet this week starkly shows their ultimate place in the pecking order for the year.  They started out the screening week with a 13-7 win at Target over Toronto, salvaging a split.  And this (Saturday) afternoon the club is going for a sweep of the Tigers, who on Friday they announced that Brad Ausmus won't return as Manager and is so bad that they're just packing it in these days.  The Twins are about to become the first team to lose 100 games in one season and reach the playoffs the next.

Playoffs, technically.  Because midweek they went to the Bronx and did their customary pissing down their fucking legs.  A three-game sweep of the Yankees, the team they will have to visit (at Yankee Stadium) in the Wild Card game, which should be called the Play-In Game, because you can't be in the baseball postseason if you play only one game.  That team has a fantastic bullpen, but I can't help but believe the reason they didn't even win one game is because the Yanks are in the Twinks' head.  Even though no one on the team was around when the Twins were in the playoffs (well, maybe Joe Mauer), as soon as they put on the Twins uniform, they subsume this primordial fear of the Bronx Bombers, and they allow themselves to be bullied by them.  It's extraordinary.  And it's unacceptable.  And I am absolutely certain that in the A.L. Play-In Game, the Twinks are going to get routed.  So I go back to a question I thought about about a month ago: If it's almost certain they're going to lose, why even fight to make the "postseason?"  Well, at this point they're making it because no other team is good enough to take it from them.

After they finish up the series against the Tigers they take their final regular season road trip -- to Cleveland, another team that'll probably wallop them.  That's three games starting Tuesday, and then they come home to finish up the regular season against those Tigers beginning Friday.

#-5: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -7).  I had never seen anything quite like what I saw at Robbie Stadium Thursday night.  The U. XI gave up an early goal to Michigan on a cross, and my ire was building throughout the game.  One time I was grumbling so loudly the girl walking down the bleachers turned her head my way.  But in the second half, after the squad punched in a rebound Goal, I shouted, "Finally!"  And when Julianna Garnes, who scored that first tally, braced late in the second half, I thought I would witness my first-ever come-from-behind win from this team.

But in the 90th Minute, the Wolverines' Sarah Stratigakis, who wended her way past Gopher defenders to assist teammate Katie Foug for the first Goal, got loose down the sideline.  And for whatever goddamn reason, Minnesota Goalie Kailee Sharp came out of the box to try and tackle the ball.  Stratigakis managed to get around Sharp and, with a Gopher defender draped over her, flexed her leg at the ball in desperation.  The ball was on target, and despite two U. players scurrying back toward goal, the soccer ball tucked in past the post.  Michigan tied the game with 11 seconds left, and after a pair of 10-minute Extra Time periods, the game ended as a two-all draw.

Minnesota pulled a tie from the jaws of victory.  Unbe-fucking-lievable.

They host Michigan St. this (Sunday) afternoon, then go to Rutgers Friday.

#-6: Vikings (Last Week: -4).  I had a bad feeling about this season, and now the news is lining up with my worst fears.  After playing footsie with the media, it was revealed mere hours before Sunday's game versus Pittsburgh that starting Quarterback Sam Bradford is out.  At that point every fan predicted a Vikes loss (even though many predicted a Vikes loss before the news broke about Bradford), which is funny to me.  I mean, Minnesota did lose, and it was a done deal well before the game was over.  But most of us took the defeat as fact even before the game started.  Can we at least see how the offense is working (or not working) before we make any conclusions?  What I find even weirder is that some fans were OK with this loss, saying that the Steelers were supposed to beat the Vikes.  So what?  You built in a loss as part of your expectations and still have high hopes for this club?  Did you see how they played?  They're not good right now, and odds are they won't be good for the rest of the year!

The Vikings did all of us a favor and declared Bradford out well before today's (Sunday's) game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  I for one can now prepare myself for the inevitable loss, even if I am working the game.  I might as well get ready for the probability of a long season now.

A $20 Blowjob!!!

So last night I went to a party far, far away from me.  ******e is the really sexy girl who, in my first-ever time getting a "dance" from her (thought not necessarily seeing her -- I swear I've seen her before!), sucked my dick.  She continued to text me after that, and I always declined, saying that it's just too far.  She understood, and finally, earlier this week, I accepted ******e's invitation.  She's been really nice continuing to contact me about her parties, and since the 'Rents are away, I thought it was finally time.

It was your usual sausage party.  I always try to come in either early or late for a party because I think there wouldn't be as many (old and white) men waiting around for strippers.  I also do that because I think the girls are more frisky.  This time, I went early because 1) I like the dancers there when they're "fresh," i.e. not tainted by other men's touch and sweat, and 2) as long as I'm only working 30 hours a week, I have the time and energy to get there first thing.  Well, the one thing I always forget is strippers are flighty.  Whenever I come in I always go in thinking they're ready for me.  Of course they're never ready on time.  I had to wait around a good hour before the girls got dressed, got their make-up on, and felt "pretty" enough to work, and by that time, there were, like, seven other (old and white) males waiting to get their penises worked over in a pathetic effort to feel alive.  Seriously, without me, the average age of the men there would be well above retirement.  With me, it was 64.

Thank God that ******e, with her purple see-through mesh top costume which she pulled up to reveal her big tits, went to me first.  And it was great, although it looked as though she didn't remember the blowjob she gave me.  We talked, a lot.  I love talking to the strippers who give me mouth-lovin'.  But I couldn't get it up.  She did everything.  But I went so long without getting erect, let alone ejaculating, that I think she started getting, uh, bored.  Her attitude on her bed with me really started to change near the end.  We were there a long time, so I figured I'd jerk myself off and be done with it.  I mean, it's not bad -- whenever a beautiful woman sucks your cock you should always be grateful -- but it wasn't as spectacular as the first time.  It never is as spectacular as the first time.

I got a few $20 dances from the women I was familiar with, but after my tryst with ******e I was just eating.  That's when ******e sidled up to me.  She was at the same party where I got consumed by ******e, and I heard from ***e* (one of my ATFs, and who was also there and from who I got a lapper and, last week, got double-teamed -- oh, gosh, I just assailed you with so much information!) that she gleefully sucks dick.  So because I had an extra $20, I wanted an LD from ******e.  Instead of out in the open, however, she wanted to go back into the master bedroom, where ******e and I were.

It seems really private just for a $20, but by God, I got more than a $20.  It was beyond my wildest dreams.  See, with the door closed (but not locked) and with her, uh, reputation, I figured I could try my little "oops, my pee-pee came out of my pants!" trick.  I did it when she was laying on top of me and was arching her back.  That gave me enough room to reach into my open fly and orient my man organ so that, with more sliding and rubbing by ******e, it would come out.  And it did!

She did not notice it at first; wonder if she either didn't see it in the dark or she didn't know what to do with it.  But when she knelt astride me, she took me into her left hand.  "Oh!" I said.  And mere seconds later, she laid her tongue on my (really erect) pee-pee, once, twice -- and then she went down on me, gently but deeply.  Double-Oh!

I was ready to burst.  But how could I give a girl only $20 for a blowjob?  "But I don't have enough money!" I said, to which ******e replied, "Don't worry, I know!  We agreed to $20!"  What an angel.  I have to get sucked off by her again.  I'm obligated.

But ... here's the thing: I think the reason that I was so turned on by ******e but not so much by ******e is the familiarity.  I, well, need the element of surprise and the shock of the new to get aroused.  Again, don't get me wrong, ******e is great, and I look forward to a 1-on-1 with her.  (Actually I look forward to a three-way with the both of us and ******e -- they're best friends!)  But it was the first time I was with ******e, and it was the first time she saw it, and like I said, there is nothing like the first time.  I knew this already, but only last night have I finally committed to that as fact.  Hey, I can't fight it anymore.

Nevertheless I loved this party and I will go again ... maybe in the spring.  In the meantime I want that 1-on-1 with ******e, and hopefully I'll be, uh, responsive to her touch.

I Hate Him So Much That It's Affecting My Health

My brother.  Oh, My Asshole Brother.  He has tormented me all my life, and the way he disrespected me at Grandmother's cremation was the last straw.  That motherfucker is dead to me.

And yet I am consumed by rage over him right now.  I don't know when I started thinking about him, but over the past, oh, several days now all I have thought about is how I want to get the opportunity to throw something in his eyes, or punch him in the face, or take a knife and take out his eyeballs.  Can you tell that I hate him?

That has coincided with a feeling of weakness on my left side.  I first detected it when I caught myself fantasizing about hurting My Asshole Brother.  I snapped out of this red mist of violence because the left side of my chest would start hurting.  Normally you would think that would be an indication to stop thinking about ways to kill Your Asshole Brother, but he's still alive, so I have to defend myself and my respect, and so I continue to fantasize about hurting this piece of shit, and then I stop because I'm wincing over this throbbing I feel underneath my left arm, probably closer to my back than my front.

It's gotten worse over the days.  I feel some tingling in my arms and fingers, and from time to time I feel pain down my butt, hip and leg, all on the left side.  The pain has lingered the same way my violent ideations of My Asshole Brother remain foremost on my mind.  Now it could be other things -- sitting too long at work, eating spoiled tomatoes and eggs -- but my theory is that whenever I get into these rage trances my blood pressure goes up.  And that's neither healthy nor good.

So if one day I am ever found dead in my bed, it's probably because I thought about killing My Asshole Brother so intensely that I gave myself a heart attack.  Just to let y'all know.

I'm Eating Three-Month-Old Eggs

OK, so I din't say this yesterday (Tuesday), but on Monday night, after eating the next in a long, long series of egg sandwiches, I got sick.  I felt a burning sensation down my throat and my mouth began to water unduly.  That's food poisoning, isn't it?

Before I cracked the eggs I looked up on the Internet ways to tell an egg has gone bad.  Again.  There's the float test, which some say is a no-brainer way to figure out if an egg has spoiled, and others say is not.  All the eggs that I have eaten so far have stood on their ends, meaning that they're still good, but on their last legs.  Eggs on their last legs -- I had to say that.

Anyway, I was still suspicious, so there's the shake test.  And that's where I get freaked out, because nearly every egg I ate started to slosh around when I started shaking them.  Except for one website, I do not know whether or not I was supposed to "gently" shake it (which is what this website says I should do) or just shake it like a Polaroid picture.  So if the insides of an egg largely stayed still when I, like, waved it back and forth, it's OK?

Well, I started throwing those eggs in the trash, but at some point (and this may sound ridiculous, forgive me) I got tired of throwing out all these eggs.  So, just out of exhaustion, I cracked one of these loose, liquid-sounding eggs into the bowl.  I remembered when I looked at signs for how eggs go bad in the past (not this time around) that if the yoke looks really gross and it smells like sulfur, then it's really, really bad.  The sites I saw all said those two signs are obvious, and it is at that point that you definitely know you should throw them out.  Well, under that standard, all of the eggs are good.  But that can't be right, right?

Well, there is another way to check whether or not an egg is rotten.  I just learned this, by the way.  Stamped at the side of every egg are these codes.  One of them is a three-digit code called the Pack Date.  That Pack Date is numbered 001 to 365, which, of course, denotes all the dates of the Julian Calendar.  The United States Department of Agriculture says that eggs are good four-to-five weeks beyond the Pack Date.

So I look at the carton.  At this point I threw away so many eggs I went to the second carton of eggs that My Father stored in the fridge.  It says 146, which, according to this private site that constructed the "conversion" chart, is May 26.

So the Pack Date's May 26.  Which means it's good to, what, late June?  Independence Day?

So I'm eating three-month-old eggs.  Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

But you know what?  There are more eggs in the fridge downstairs.  I think there might be a dozen cartons.  Father probably bought them all at the same time.  He likes his eggs and eats them as a late-night snack, but goddamn, these are three months old!!!  (Possible counterpoint: There is a Chinese delicacy called the hundred-year egg, and even if those eggs are technically preserved up to several months, that's a hell of a lot longer than the eggs that I currently have in the house.  My Father was probably thinking, "Hey, I've eaten century eggs before; what's an egg that's been laying around for weeks, huh?")  So what am I supposed to do, throw them all away?  I feel like such a dolt, but I can't.  Besides, hey, they're not floating, the yokes are still yellow and they don't smell.  So what's the problem?  Oh, and BTW, one site says that you can still eat eggs even if they do float -- what the hell am I supposed to do with all this conflicting information?!?!?!

The good news is is that I haven't felt those symptoms since.  For example, I ate an egg sandwich last (Wednesday) night and I feel fine.  And, to admit, it was unseasonably cold and rainy Monday, so that may have been the reason I felt so sick.  But knowing that I have upwards of 150 eggs just waiting to be eaten, man, I am playing with fire here.

Nightmare. Wow. (Part I)

OK, so this is from a few weeks back, but I remember it so vividly because of the subject matter.  I have a person of authority from the temp job upcoming that I used to work for.  In this nightmare, somehow, I see her come up to me, then drop her pants, then start to pee and/or shit into the toilet right next to me.

Swear to God.

I don't know what that means.  I don't think I want to know.

Oh, Who Cares, I'm A Short-Timer, Anyway

So I was surfing the Internet at work when the guy in the cubicle next to me wanted something.  At first I saw him without hearing him, which probably annoys him and is something I should not be doing.  Actually I was doing work at the time, although I had the browser open.  You know, I did the Alt+Tab thing.  But when I looked up an e-mail for him, opened up the attachment and then closed it, that window popped open for him to see.  I forget that the attachment opens up in the web browser, for some reason.

Hope he doesn't mind.  Hope he doesn't rat me out.  Oh, who cares, I'm a short-timer, anyway.

Left work without saying goodbye.  First time I've done it with my co-workers being around.  There was one time when they were all out in training, and another time where I had to stay till 5 o'clock and everybody already left.  But those don't count.  I had the opportunity to say farewell for the day, but I decided to just leave.  Well, I said goodbye to the receptionist, but I had to because she's right out in front.

Anyway, I thought about at least saying bye to the person in the cubicle next to me.  But I didn't.  And then there's the guy who has to approve my timesheet (and who has found my replacement; more on that later), but he was in a meeting.  Guess I could have interrupted, but I didn't.

So why did I do that -- or not do that?  Maybe it's the weather (it's rainy, which is a surprise to me), but I was just feeling introverted today.  Hope that isn't going to held against me, but then again, since I won't be here for long, guess it doesn't matter.

They're That Much Closer To Home

My parents are coming back from their trip to China.  But, if I have this correct, they are not coming back here to Minnesota.  They will be out west -- Las Vegas maybe, possibly Los Angeles, but out there.  I don't know exactly if they're coming back today (Monday) or when, but by this time tomorrow, they should be back in the States.

And in some ways that's a good thing.  Not because I want them home.  I don't, and I'll detail that in a bit.  But there are a pile of bills and letters which they need to address and tell me how to deal with.  Most of these are bills Mother did not tell me about.  I would assume there is a certain credit card that I would be paying these bills with, but I don't know which of the several she left me I should use for which bills.  Communicating my issues was very difficult to do while they were in China.  At first my folks told me that the only to get a hold of them was through e-mail.  Later, both of my parental units texted me; T-Mobile seems to be pretty good in extending its network worldwide.  But for a while it was tough to ask them what to do, and it may have been doubly so because Mother didn't get back to me in a timely manner.  Could be because of networking issues, could be because they were too busy enjoying themselves.

Nonetheless that's all over now that they're back here in America.  But while communication issues are probably alleviated, it's still kind of oogy that they're that much closer to home, because it means that, well, they can come home.  I don't think they'll be back in Minnesota any time soon.  But seeing as those fuckers blindsided me a couple years ago, I have been forever scarred by the possibility that they'll come back home and see the house in its current, disheveled, undusted state.  All day yesterday (Sunday) I wondered if I should start picking up around the house, but I was lazy and stayed in my bed for much of the afternoon, so I thought, "Nah, fuck 'em."

But still, I'm scared that they'll surprise me.  And they can do that much quicker now that they're back on this side of the world.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Lynx (Last Week: -2).  This week featured four teams that had undefeated weeks, and yet all four of them had cracks in their armor you could pick on if you wanted to.  In the end, due to the stakes involved, I am giving the top spot to the Lynx, who are up 2-0 in their best-of-5 semifinal series against Washington after taking the first two games at Their Home Away From Home Away From Home, Williams Arena.

But it's actually a return home for starting Point Guard Lindsay Whalen, who (of course) played at The Barn for Minnesota her playing days.  She returned for the playoffs, this series, after busting her hand.  And even though she didn't light up the stat sheet, her return has been instrumental to holding serve at home against the Mystics.  Washington, after getting wiped out in Game 1 Tuesday by 20, dialed up their long-range shooting in Thursday's Game 2.  In particular, deep-range specialist Kristi Toliver and Forward Elena Della Donne (25 points for both players) were able to shoot the Mystics to a two-point lead in the middle of the fourth quarter.  (The only way the Mystics were going to win this series is by living or dying by the three.)  That's when Head Coach Cheryl Reeve reinstalled Whalen, who played only 28 more seconds than second-string PG Renee Montgomery.

Monty continued to struggle running the offense and defending the perimeter.  But Whalen was a whirling dervish the rest of the quarter, leading the Lynx on a 20-8 run and a 93-83 victory.  She scored seven points in the last 4:45, had seven assists, finished with a +21 and saved the team's ass.  I have underestimated Whalen's vital role in setting the team's offense and motivated her teammates and the crowd.  Maybe I shouldn't do that again.

Game 3 is this (Sunday) afternoon; if necessary, Games 4 and 5 are Tuesday and Thursday, respectively.  As another sign that women's professional basketball suffers indignities men's pro sports probably don't need to even worry about, the Lynx aren't the only team in this series that have to improvise home floors.  Game 3 will be played at the Capital One Arena in Washington, D.C.  I believe this used to be called the Verizon Center, and before that the MCI Center.  But, if there is a Game 4, they'll have to go to the campus of Georgetown and play at McDonough Gymnasium.  I swear, I have been in that gym, when I visited my sister and saw the Hoya women's basketball team get throttled by 50 by visiting UConn.  McDonough seats only 2,500 people, and I fear for the league that even for a WNBA postseason game, there will be empty seats there.

And why can't the Mystics play at Cap One?  Blame Ed Sheeran.

#-2: Gopher football (Last Week: 0).  Again, I don't want to go overboard.  Middle Tennessee St. is not a bad non-BcS program, and even though they have, like, one good player, teams from this school in the past have acquitted themselves well.  Also, this game was played at TCF Bank Stadium, so maybe a 34-3 thrashing of the Blue Raiders isn't that impressive.  But a 3-0 record is.  So are the special Goldy helmets the squad wore for the game.  But now we're going to see how good this team is now that the non-con is out of the way.  And I think their first opponent is an appropriate gauge -- home to Maryland, a team that probably won't compete for a New Year's Six bowl, but did run over and through Texas a couple weeks ago.  That game, however, will be played on the 30th; Minnesota is now on a bye.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  Swept the Boise State Tournament over the weekend.  But while they swept through Idaho St. and beat Oregon St. in four Sets, there was a bit of a hiccup Friday night.  The host Boise St. Broncos took the #1 team in the land to the edge and beyond, coming back from dropping the first two Sets and taking the Golden Gophers to eight-all in the final set before the squad took the next three points and ended the match on a 7-4 run.  The Broncos upset Western Kentucky in the first round of last year's NCAA Tournament, so these guys aren't pushovers.  But yet -- Boise St.?  You were taken to five by Boise St.?!  This close call might cost Minnesota the top rank in the AVCA Top 25.

I think moral victories are largely useless, but don't tell that to the sold-out crowd at Bronco Gym or to Rachel Roberts of the Idaho Statesman.  Respect for the support.  Nevertheless, the U. has finished the non-con with a perfect 11-0.  And so the meat grinder called the Big Ten Volleyball League begins Friday, with a date vs. Michigan at Maturi.

#-4: Vikings (Re-Entry!).  There just can't be decent news without a turd in the bowl, can there, Vikes?  I was pleasantly surprised at how thoroughly the Vikes beat Adrian Peterson and New Orleans Monday.  (For his part, Peterson was on the field to carry for the first two Saints offensive plays of the game but after that was benched for the rest of the drive and finished with six carries for 18 yards -- and some words for Saints Head Coach Sean Payton.)

Sam Bradford looked really good!  The Quarterback who set an NFL record for Completion Percentage last year was a hyper-efficient 27-for-32 for 346 Yards and three Touchdowns, two of which went to Stefon Diggs.  And Adam Thielen (who I have in both of my fantasy football teams) finished with 157 Yards.  Yes!

Then no!  Late word came in that Bradford is out because of the knee that he has had two major operations on in his career.  I don't remember any big hit on Monday that could have led to this diagnosis, so I have to assume it was a non-contact injury.  Which means that his legs are not that much better than Teddy Bridgewater's.  I knew this shit was going to happen.  Case Keenum will have to manage a game for the ages in order to pull off the upset of the Steelers in Pittsburgh.

I swear they're not going to win more than three games this season.

#-5: Twins (Last Week: -3).  I saw on a tweet a few days ago that the Twinks had a better-than-70% chance of reaching the American League Play-In Game.  But after a 3-3 screening week, they are now only a game ahead of the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim. ...  They had San Diego for two games and Toronto for four in this homestand, and I said last week that two or more losses this homestand will be a disappointment.  Well, they've lost the last two to the also-ran Blue Jays, so it's a disappointment, verging on disaster.

My friend had comp tickets to Friday's contest vs. Toronto, which had a "Big Sexy" promotion where, if you buy a ticket in a special section, you get a t-shirt featuring Bartolo Colon and the aforementioned nickname given her.  I really, really want him to succeed; at his best he's the second-best Pitcher on the team.  But although he lasted six innings, he struck out only one batter (who was trying to bunt the runner over), and he was responsible for the winning run in the 4-3 defeat (which, to be fair, came in with a pair of defensive lapses courtesy of the infield), and if you can't strike batters out, you can't succeed.  And in a prime opportunity to make hay at Target, these guys are now back in a dogfight.

Worst of all, after today's (Sunday afternoon's) series-ender against the BJ's, they have their final roadtrip, and it's a big, three-series one.  The Nine immediately go to the Bronx to begin a three-game series against the Yankees, then visit Detroit for four beginning Thursday.

#-6: United FC (Last Week: -4).  Hmmm.  I did not see Wednesday's match in Vancouver, but they got their asses kicked 3-0, and since the Loons registered only two Shots On Goal against the Whitecaps, some fans said this was the most unacceptable loss in what has been a humbling first season.  So maybe the club got the message, because last (Saturday) night they won for only the second time on the road, overcoming coughing up yet another Goal early in the game (this time it was the Ninth Minute; against Vancouver it was the Fifth) to beat the Impact, 3-2, on an Abu Danladi Goal (he subbed in for Christian Ramirez, who recently returned from injury) in the 89th off an Assist by the very productive Ethan Finlay.  OK.

Saturday they return home to Das Bank v.1.0 since the Gopher football team has the week off.  They host FC Dallas.  Hmmm ... the game starts at 7, and I have offered up the ticket for sale because my alma mater's game is that day.  But it's scheduled at 2:30, so conceivably I could get to the match after the football game's over.  Now do I want to even try to go from downtown Minneapolis to TCF Bank if I won't make it for Opening Kick?

#-7: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -1).  Well, somebody has to be the rump of the WMNSS, and it will be for the U. footballers, who clearly have to rebuild after their breakthrough last season.  Beginning B1G play yesterday (Saturday) in Madison, they got beat by Wisconsin in Overtime on a, wait for it, a Penalty Kick.  The Referee said that Defender Tori Burnett fouled in the Gopher box, and Dani Rhodes deposited from The Spot past Minnesota Goalie Kailee Sharp in the 97th Minute to end the match.  Sigh.  It is their second loss of the year, and the other loss, to California-Santa Barbara, also ended on a PK.

They open up the home portion of their conference slate with a special Thursday night game against Michigan.

Fucking Bloops And Bleeps

I got home about an hour ago from getting jerked off at a party and then getting jerked around by the Twins at Target Field -- you've got to win those close games, man!

I barge in and I hear a loud bloop.  Maybe.  I ignore it, as is my wont.  Then I hear another bloop.  That reminds me of the week my parents left town; the smoke alarm in my room beeped in a very intermittent but steady (and loud) rhythm one morning.  I tried to shut it off or reset it, but I don't know if you're supposed to do that to a smoke alarm.  I had to leave for work, so Father fixed it for me.  What he did to fix it, I don't know.

At first I thought it was the smoke alarm in the hallway, so I grabbed a chair and climbed out to take it out.  I saw Father play around with the noisy smoke alarm in my bedroom, and I thought I had to do the same.  But something wasn't right.  All throughout this exercise my ears got hit with that piercing noise, but it didn't sound as if it was coming from up high.  And I pressed the smoke alarm against my ear (and winced), the bleep didn't shatter my eardrum.  That's when I climbed down from the chair and reassessed.  Then I heard the noise coming from down below -- in the same hallway, but from the carbon monoxide alarm plugged into the socket.  A red light coming on with the loud bloop confirmed that it was the one that was bleeping.

I hate those goddamn bleeps.  I know, I know, they're supposed to be too loud in order to wake you up if there's a fire or a carbon monoxide leak.  But they also go off if the battery runs low, and although replacing the battery is also important, trying to figure out how to replace the battery -- let alone figuring out how to open the goddamn lid -- is hard without anticipating and fearing a loud noise going off right next to your ear.

I pushed buttons.  I took the alarm out of the socket, but that just made the blooping one continuous bloop because it was no longer plugged in.  At a loss, I had to turn on the computer so I can look up how to turn off the damn thing ... not necessarily trying to divine what the bleeping means.  And then the damndest thing happened.  When I turned on my new laptop, it started making a noise, a fusillade of beeps and bleeps and bloops.  What the fuck?  And then it said that my computer had trouble starting up.  Bullshit.  When did that happen?  I didn't know what else to do except run a diagnostic that I don't think was necessary.  It made me answer whether I saw a spectrum of colors on the screen.  What the here is this for?  Did my lap just get hacked?  I thought this was new.  I thought this had state-of-the-art security.  You know, this laptop has given me these slight, weird problems from the outset; this is the latest and scariest of them.  And I don't know where this is going to go.

It took several minutes for this diagnostic to get finished, and it determined nothing else was hinky.  In the middle of this surprise test for my new laptop, I just yanked the CO detector.  And this time the alarm didn't go off, although it continued to bloop on occasion.  I hope to Buddha there isn't a CO leak in the house, and if there is, well, it was nice knowin' ya.  But it very well could be doing that because the air outdoors is pretty bad.  From noon until 8 p.m. yesterday (Friday), the area was under an Air Quality Warning, where it got so bad (presumably from the wildfires out west and in western Canada) that people with sensitivities were cautioned to stay indoors.  I don't know if any of the particulates in the air include carbon monoxide, but I can see the alarm going off for bad air.

Whatever the case, I got my Swiss Army Knife, unscrewed the alarm lid, and yanked out the battery.  It could be fine for all I know, but fuck it, I'm just going to buy a new 9V battery tomorrow.  That's another thing I have to do, inbetween going to watch soccer downtown, visiting Grandmother's best friend, exchanging a bottle for craft pop, buying Subway so I have something to put the rest of this half-tomato in, eat Subway, then rest before the game tomorrow.

Goddamn, I'm beset on all sides!

I Have Work! I Am Free!

My initial trepidation about doing my job has subsided.  It was kind of hellish last week, but I got through it, I know what I need to do now (and better), and there is not a crush of the monthly invoices that I had to do along with the weeklies.  This week, with about half the vendors to worry about, it's been a breeze.  I was told that most of these invoices should be done on Thursdays.  I have so much time that I'm just doing them when they come in.  I mean, why wait?

With all this free time, I've been getting kind of bored.  I've been playing hide-and-seek with the permanent workers so they don't catch me on the Internet, something I don't know I can do.  What I can do (even though I'll still go surfing because I'm an addict) is the fallback task of entering data (specifically names and amounts) to this database for ... uh, paying things, or something.  I don't know what it is, I was just told to enter key in these things.  That's all I need to know.

But here's the thing.  I can only do this in a cubicle across the way from the one of the person who trained me and who I replaced.  That cubicle (I consider it to be "my" cubicle because I was told to take it the first day I worked there) and that cubicle is assigned under my username; through that, I can access the program to which I do this data entry.  However, for this invoicing I have to do it at her cubicle because the invoicing goes through programs that can only be accessed under her username.  Furthermore, under her username I cannot get access to the software where I do all my keying of these names and amounts.  It's weird and I can't explain it; I think it has to do with me only being a temp.  The IT department has other things to do besides getting me able to use all the programs I need to use on one computer when I might not be here by the end of the month.

So, my plan was that once I was done with invoicing and answering e-mails for the day (the invoices are my main priority), I would fill up the rest of my time at work with keying in this information.  It's low on the list of things that need to be done, but it has to be done nonetheless, so it's a perfect fit for when there's nothing else to do.  And so what I had done ever since I started out on my own was to go from my predecessor's cube to do all this invoicing and then walk over to my cube to do data entry.  I didn't mind it.  In fact, I kind of like the idea that I have two cubicles.  I put my coffee in cubicle I'm not currently working in so that I have an excuse to stretch my legs and back whenever I get bored.

However, there was a spanner in the works on Tuesday.  I was invoicing in my other cube when another person came into "my" cubicle.  She then came up to me with my insulated coffee mug in her hand.  "Is this yours?" she said.  "Yes," I replied, and then I couldn't help but look towards my cubicle because I didn't understand what was going on.  "I need to take over that cubicle while they repaint my office," she said.

Oh.  So starting from Tuesday afternoon she has been working from, well, "my" computer.  I don't feel as if she's taken my spot, even though she has moved everything out of her office and into this space; please don't misconstrue.  But the problem is is that she has taken over my computer -- the one that allows me access to this names-and-amounts software.  So for the past three/two-plus days, once I got done with invoicing and answering e-mails and voicemails, I have had nothing to do.  I literally have spent half of the past two or three days avoiding getting caught looking at the Internet.  I guess I could raise a stink about it, but if I haven't gotten caught, why raise suspicions when I can just look at the Internet for four or five hours?  Then again, I've been torn.  Making sure I avoid getting caught slacking off is kind of stressing me out.  I want to surf the Internet, but it's no fun when I'm continually doing so in fear.

---

However ... some time yesterday (Thursday) afternoon I opened up the web browser for the umpteenth time after closing it to make sure the coast was clear.  The homepage is the company website, of course.  And I was just looking around because at that point I had nothing else to look up.  Down at the bottom was the name of the program where I enter all this data.  I click on it ... and I get to the welcome page for the software.  After I took an educated stab at what my username and password are, I got in!  So from that point on I had the means to key in all these names and amounts.  So yay, I got to be productive again!  I took a lot of time out to go online anyway, but now I feel a lot less anxiety knowing I have something to actually work on and thus fall back on.  I am free!

Tomatoes And Eggs; Against The Clock

Yeah, so I'm going to continue to bitch about the food that's about to spoil because, hey, the food's still in the fridge and it's about to spoil.

Yesterday (Wednesday), even though I picked up some tomatoes and cherry tomatoes that fell off the vine in the backyard and stored the ones Mother laid out on the counter into the fridge, I finally got to work actually inspecting them.  I did that one day after I pored over all corners of the Internet, Googling, "How do you know when tomatoes go bad?"

How can you tell?  Well, if they're discolored or look moldy, throw them out.  If you grip them and it feels soft, throw them out.  If they smell bad, throw them out.  If you cut them open and you see dark, fuzzy or white spots, throw them out.  And if you open them and feel sliminess on the insides, throw them out.

Well, nearly all the tomatoes in the bag (which was in the crisper) had these long score marks emanating from the stem.  They're cut open deep enough that it looks as though they reach well inside.  I put pressure on them, and they cave rather easily.  And when I cut them open and reach in, I feel the slime.  Or is it juice?  It could be juice.  And then I smell them and they smell ... like tomatoes.  And I don't see any mold in the tomatoes.  Well, I see white spots.  Is that mold?  Are those bad?

And that was just one fucking tomato.  There are about a dozen now in this bag now that I have taken all the ones that my parents put in the counter out of the strainer.  And that doesn't even include the cherry tomatoes.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?  All the websites say when in doubt, throw them out.  But I can't just waste all these tomatoes my folks planted and picked.  And besides, not all the signs point to spoilage.

What I decided is why I hate storing perishable food.  It took me upwards of an hour to prepare the sandwich I wanted to eat for dinner.  A half-hour of that was devoted to inspected one tomato, cutting it open and, just to be safe, cutting out anything that looks white.  What was left I either sliced onto the sandwich or diced into the salad I plan on having for lunch.

And oh, while it took me an hour to prepare that sandwich, it only took me five fucking minutes to eat.  That was not without its fuck-ups.  The slices of tomato fell off the sandwich.  I hate that.

So now I have to worry about food poisoning.  Honestly, I felt sort of light-headed after I ate, and I felt sharp pants on the bottom of my feet.  But maybe I'm being psychosomatic.  I went to the X concert at First Ave. last night and I felt fine.  And then, while blogging this, a cup of raspberry-flavored fruit punch made me shit like a storm.  That could be from bad tomatoes, or from the two hot dogs, one hamburger and two pieces of cake I ate at work yesterday afternoon.  Shit, I'm not dead, so I guess the tomatoes are good, right?  Then again, tomorrow's another day.

And now I have to worry about this second wave of tomatoes, the ones my folks left on the counter for me.  One of them I held in my hand; when I squeezed it, it caved in too.  Did I leave those tomatoes out on the counter too long?  Are they going bad because I didn't put them in a bad and then store them in the refrigerator?  And don't get me started on the third wave of tomatoes that are currently sitting on the kitchen counter.  I have no fucking clue if they're edible or even if they're ripe.  I have to look that up on the Internet.  And shit, what about the tomatoes that are still outside?

All of this is wrapped up with the eggs that I have to go through.  Father said that there were some downstairs.  I thought he only meant one carton.  But I think there are several.  Now why the fuck would he buy so many goddamn eggs when he knows he won't be here for a month?  Now I have to eat them all before they spoil, and I had to look up how eggs spoil on the Internet too!

Fuck all this!

I elected to borrow my sister's best friend's family's lawnmower (one of two they own) from two houses down to mow the lawn today instead of Saturday because 1) I think I'm going to visit Grandmother's best friend and 2) I think it's going to rain this weekend.  I'm glad I did, and I had more of a thrill of seeing both frontyard and backyard trimmed.  They have a nice mower.  Heck, any mower that works would be nice.

Customarily I check both sides to make sure the gates are locked.  And, it wasn't.  One of them was not.  The wood bar we use to lock one of the gates was laying next to it, which is what I usually do when I have the gate open.  Then again, I was in the backyard yesterday and I swear I checked out both gates to make sure they were locked -- and they were.

So I could have forgotten.  My other theory: The new neighbors next door.  Maybe they were playing and somebody threw something over their fence, which landed next to our house, so they leaped over their fence and unlocked the gate in order to get to it.  But why couldn't they just leap over their fence when they went back?  Hmmm.  As far as I can tell, nothing has been stolen, and nothing is not what it seems.

The Perils Of Wearing Your Concert T-Shirt

So the U2 concert wasn't as good as it could have been.  I say that because I got kind of sour on the experience.  I made quick friends with the guy standing next to me -- I even ate some of the peanuts he offered me -- but I was trying to save his spot on the rail for half an hour as he excused himself to go to the bathroom during intermission, and the fucker never came back.  (Saw him on my way out.  Asshole probably went to his seat, where he was supposed to sit, and not tell us.)  Then there were some drunk assholes who kept bumping into me.  Oh, and I thought I had a great vantage point of the show: Far away, but straight as the crow flies to the Joshua Tree stage with no one in front of me blocking my sightline.  But then U2 came out and the row of chairs in front of me stood up.  I did not realize that 1) people would stand for the show and 2) that row is on the same level as me standing.  So the people in front of me stood up, the blocked my view ... just like watching any concert.  Oh, and don't get me started on the sound.  Ooooooosbahnk Stadium is a terrible venue for concerts.

Nevertheless I like U2.  I had dreams that this band, who had made it a point to never look back in nostalgia, would play The Joshua Tree in its entirety, and they did Friday, although I could barely hear them at points and Bono looked really tired at the end of the concert.  So, like a rube, I bought a concert tee for $40.  And because I wanted to start a conversation, I decided to wear it the next day, to soccer-watching downtown in the morning followed by a food truck/community festival/fundraiser for Meals On Wheels at a brewery about 15 minutes away from where I live.

No one made a comment about my shirt at the bar.  Maybe it's because U2's an Irish band and I was at a British pub.  About a half-dozen people at this outdoor fest commented on it, however -- not that I noticed.  The first guy who brought up my t-shirt was sitting down; he turned to me and said something like, "Bad, wasn't it?" and I turned towards him all, "What did you say?"  He didn't gesture to my t-shirt.  He didn't gesture at all; he just turned around and said something in my general direction.  Only did he explain himself did I finally realize he was trying to start a conversation with the t-shirt with which I wanted to start a conversation.  It would've helped if the dude said something like, "Excuse me" first.

With that in mind, my social skills swung totally in the opposite direction when I sat down at one of the communal benches to eat a Chilean burrito.  A group of six (three men, three women) sat down in the same bench.  The guy who sat next to me went, "Who did you go with?"  And this time I was prepared; I think I said something like: "I went by myself, none of my friends are fans."  To which he replied, "I meant what are you eating."  Whoops!  But like that first guy, he could have been more specific; why didn't he ask, "What are you eating?" the first time?

The public mix-ups got better during the rest of the fundraiser.  The four-to-five other people who stopped me went (including one of the workers at the food truck) and they all wanted to know what I thought.  I echoed the common sentiment that the sound sucked, and I told one person that I thought Bono noticeably ran out of gas starting from the end of The Joshua Tree.  Those conversations started off right and they finished right -- just like I hoped!

Ah, So The Ax Is Going To Fall

Out of the blue, my temp agency texted me giving me a very tentative drop-dead date for my current job: Next Friday.  Seeing as I was initially told it was going to be only two weeks (those two weeks lasting only until last week), I should not be too outraged that I'll be done soon.  Then again, I was subsequently told I'd be there for a month, and even though it'll be close to it by the end of next week, it still feels less than that.  So I'm torn.

But now I have to prepare.  I think.  Assuming that the health insurance company still wants me, that they still want me starting in November, and that I don't find anything permanent between then, I will have five weeks in which to fill in.  I am not that comfortable being unemployed for five weeks.  I really, really want to not go on the dole even one week in 2017, even if I am entitled to it, but going five weeks without a steady and substantial paycheck might be too much.  But what type of job could I find that'll last only a month?

In the meantime, with all this free time, I am also thinking about what to do -- well, about who to do.  Even though I shouldn't be spending money when I'm not making money, I don't have time to spend money when I am making money.  So I have the urge to plan out all the stripper girlfriends I want to visit for a little sexytime.  So, I have five, maybe six weeks (six?!) of unemployment and there's:

• *a***;
• *e***;
• ****e;
• ***y, a girl with whom I tried to plan something;
• ******e, a girl who lives really far away, but she's so hot and so good at sucking my dick that I want to try her, at least once;
• and ****a, the masseuse.

Just got off the phone with my temp agency contact.  These guys actually just hired someone, so even though the drop-dead date isn't set yet, it's probably some time next week.  What to do, what to do. ...

Goddamn, Now The Lawnmower Doesn't Work?!

I wanted to mow the lawn at some point early this week.  I initially wanted to just stay inside all day Sunday and watch football, but since I realized I had things I needed to drive to, I thought I should just get that out of the way.

So in the middle of what turned out to be a hot summer day, I start up the mower.  But it revved up slow and remained slow.  The chug-chug-chug of the engine, normally super-fast, revolved at a trackable pace.  And it showed in the grass I wanted to cut; it wasn't cutting, and that's not just because the blade is probably dull and needs to be replaced.  It was rotating so slowly that the grass remained long after I drove over it.

I had to deal with this once before; that's when Father told me where the sparkplug was, and it was dirty enough to be deemed spent.  He told me to go to Menards to get a replacement; I did, replaced the sparkplug, and boom, the mower was like new.

So I did the same thing Sunday afternoon.  But when I put in the new sparkplug the lawnmower was still wheezing and coughing.  And it was slowing down and making loud noises, too.  Scariest of all, I saw puffs of smoke emanating out of the engine at regular intervals.  Sometimes I would see it when I start it up for the first time in the spring, but after it got warmed up, and over the course of the rest of the season, I didn't see it again.  But for the five minutes I tried using it, it was belching like a Rust Belt smokestack.

So there is something fucking wrong with this lawnmower.  Surprised as fuck; we've had it for upwards of a decade now, and it's a Honda/Craftsman, which I believe is a reliable mower, even going on ten years.  But if I can't get it to work after replacing the sparkplug, there's something really wrong with it.  I'm scared it's running on no oil, but I checked the plastic dipstick and it seems wet.  Is it a belt?  Does it need a tune-up?  Is the engine about to blow?

What appears to be my next step is to take it to a hardware store to get it checked out.  That presents its own problems.  How am I going to fit it into my Honda Fit?  I could use my parents' minivan, but just before they left they told me the muffler's broken and the water pump is about to go.

And in the meantime I have a fucked-up-looking front lawn where the outer border is kind of mowed but the rest of it isn't.  What are the neighbors going to think?  And all of it is going to grow as I continue not to mow it.  The only thing I can think of is to ask the help of my sister's best friend.  She doesn't live close to us anymore, but the other day I saw her mow the lawn at her mom's house.  I'll pay her to mow ours if need be.  Actually, with no mower and probably no means to get it fixed, I have no choice.

Of all the goddamn things to worry about, you know?

I Admit That I Don't Care About My Teeth

Got my teeth cleaned for the first time in 11 months this morning.  I know you're supposed to go every six, but as an hourly you have to get your work in when you can, and so if it comes to missing time on a project or going without a check-up, I went without a check-up.  Only the combination of being away from the chair for so long and a flexible schedule where I can make up hours later in the week convinced me to finally stick to this time after two or three postponements.

Nevertheless, as much as I bitch about hygiene, my actions speak to my indifference about brushing and flossing and taking care of my teeth.  As much as I brushed and flossed last night -- and I know for a fact that the percentage of people who do both the night before a dental appointment is at least 100% -- me going days without doing either show up, in all the plaque that's spackled to my teeth, in all the "pockets" that dot my gumline, and these white "deposits" that are early signs of cavities.  I knew I was going to get caught on my lack of routine; I'm just glad that the student cleaning my teeth this morning didn't go on and on about it, like this one other student I had a few years ago.  Man, what a passive-aggressive bitch she was.

I understand that all these students are doing their job.  Some might even care about their patients' health.  I'm not saying that I'm right, nor am I being a curmudgeon.  I'm just saying that, as much advice as all these students have and will give, I'm too fucking lazy to change.  This time around a supervisor mentioned this super-powerful prescription mouthwash, an ultra-Listerine.  The student recommend I brush twice and alternate regular Listerine with my ACT in order not to have this chore become such a, well, chore.  And I got the old "make sure you brush against the gumline" advice.  Eventually it's going to fall on deaf ears, and I'll have to go through this song and dance the next time.

To help me when I won't help myself, the student pasted some flouride "vitamin" on my teeth.  I'm such an asshole that, even though I agreed to it, I was looking at my watch to see how soon I could get out of there.  (It was 2 1/2 hours -- too long for me to use my light-rail ticket as a round-trip, and I didn't have any time to take a nap before work like I wanted to.)  If I had my way, I would have left the dental clinic instead of get something that would fortify my teeth.  But the upside to this varnish is that, because it's injecting its flouride into my teeth, I'm not supposed to brush my teeth until the morning.  I'll call that ... and raise you a week!

Addendum To: Haven't Showered In A Week, Woo-Hoo!!!

So I finally showered last (Sunday) night.  That made it, what, eight, nine days inbetween showers?  Had to: I planned on mowing the lawn, and I didn't want to get bit by mosquitoes, so I put on gloves and a long shirt, but then the sun came out and it was really hot, and then the lawnmower didn't work, so I thought it was a sign not to mow and instead just watch football all day.  But then a guy from the alumni club asked for the sweater he left at the bar (which I picked up), and after I dropped it off I decided it was a good idea to buy the sparkplug for the mower on the way back.  That meant that I was going to mow, but I didn't want to get overheated again, so I wore just a t-shirt, but that necessitated me putting on bug spray.  (The lawnmower didn't work, by the way; will have to get to the bottom of that.)  So I had to finally wash all that off of my body -- hence, the shower.

You know, when I was in college, one evening I was hanging out with this dude I was in the same class with.  He was strange.  At one point that night he told me he didn't shower daily because at some point the body adapts and starts to clean itself.  I swear that's what he said.  And I swear that the reason I don't shower more than once a week is not because I believe that weirdo.

Nevertheless it feels good to scratch my head and not 1) scrape up dandruff into my nails and 2) see the rest of the dandruff fall to the floor in a blizzard.  Next time won't be a week from now; my nails are really long, so I have to cut them soon, which means I am going to have to shower pretty soon so I can trim my softened nails right after.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  Great news came all throughout the week, starting on Monday, when the Golden Gophers rose to #1 in the AVCA Top 25 (the first time they've taken the top spot in the AVCA in 11 months) after their predecessor, Stanford, lost in four Sets to Penn St. on the 1st.  (In a scheduling quirk that should be avoided in the future, the Cardinal and the Nittany Lions played again yesterday afternoon ... and the Farm lost to PSU again, this time in five.)  Then they defended that #1 ranking in the Texas Tournament/American Campus Classic late last week with a doubleheader sweep of Denver and TAMU-CC Thursday and, most impressive of all, a four-Set victory over the hosts, #5 Texas.  Samantha Seliger-Swenson, named Big Ten Setter Of The Week on Tuesday, notched a season-high 55 Assists.

They are now 8-0 on the season.  The only downside I see to them looking unstoppable right now is that they're peaking too soon.  This week brings the fourth and traditionally final week in the non-conference schedule, and it'll be an easy tourney.  They go to Boise, Idaho, and will face Oregon St., hosts Boise St., and Idaho St.  This will be the time where Head Coach Hugh McCutcheon should play his bench extensively.

#0: Gopher football (Last Week: -1).  It's only been two games, but I'll admit that I'm buying what Head Coach P.J. Fleck is selling.  In a game that earlier in the week could have been moved (in time and/or location) because of the wildfires dotting Oregon and the Western United States, outscored Oregon St. in the Second Half, 28-0, on their way to a noticeable 48-14 road route of the Oregon St. Beavers last (Saturday) night.

Say this for Jerry Kill and Tracy Claeys: They recruited so that the U.'s offensive strength remains on the ground.  Fleck had his team run all over OSU, outgaining them rushing 253-80.  Shannon Brooks scored three Touchdowns (all from one or two yards), and Demry Croft capped the scoring with about three minutes left by scampering 64 yards for a TD.

There are a couple of pundits who thought that the U. could win the B1G West Division this year.  They conceivably could be 7-0 going into the Oct. 28 game at Iowa.  They'll have to face fellow contenders ("fellow?" huh) Nebraska and Wisconsin, but those pundits believe the Cornhuskers and Badgers are vulnerable.  Could the Golden Gophers be rolling into Indianapolis for the B1G Championship Game?

Next Saturday afternoon they host Middle Tennessee St.  Although the Blue Raiders are a sturdy non-BcS program, the way Fleck has this team going, they should beat them easily.

#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -3).  Undefeated for the screening week -- 2-0, a hard win followed by an easy one.  Sunday afternoon I saw most of the First Half of their Minnesota Classic capper against Providence.  I was afraid I was going to miss some action once I left, even though there was no scoring in the half-hour I witnessed.  I shouldn't have worried; there was no scoring the rest of the First Half, all of the Second Half, and the 10 minutes of Overtime.  But with 26 seconds left in Double OT, Senior Maddie Gaffney dumps in the ball off a Free Kick from April Bockin to give the Gophers their first win in Added Extra Time since defeating Marquette a day short of two years:

Gaffney's game winning goal against Providence in double OT! pic.twitter.com/asyU27u0tN

— Minnesota Soccer (@GopherSoccer) September 3, 2017

They finished the non-con by crushing Utah St. Friday, 5-0, scoring four Goals in the Second Half, the first two a Brace from Sydney Squires.  What stands out from the club's 4W-2D-1L season so far: They have yet to concede more than one Goal in all seven games.

But now comes league play.  Saturday late afternoon they start at Wisconsin.

#-2: Lynx (Last Week: -2).  I missed most of the Minnesota-Providence women's soccer match to watch the last-ever (?) game the Lynx will play at the Xcel Energy Center.  Like I blogged about, I didn't know if I should buy a ticket legitimately or scalped.  I looked online and then I thought I could get it for cheaper.  But when I got to the X, I didn't see any scalpers.  Then I went onto FlashSeats on my phone while in the lobby, looking for tickets that would be cheaper than what was available at the box office, but the more I checked, the cheapest seats on the app kept disappearing.  But then when I went to the box office, the cheapest seats also started to disappear.  I went between FlashSeats and the box office a couple times, partly because I had to input information for another credit card on FlashSeats when I wanted to buy a ticket.  I know that someone lifted my credit card information while I was in the lobby; I am so cheap that I risked getting my information stolen so that I didn't have to pay, like, an extra four bucks for a Lynx ticket.  But I did it.

I am glad that I decided to take in a basketball game at the X.  It's a hockey arena, obviously, and so they either ripped out the ice or laid flooring over it.  There was a lot of empty space beyond both ends of the basketball court; it's nice to be reminded how bigger the field of play in hockey is compared to b-ball.

Anyway, Rebekkah Brunson came back for this final game of the regular season against the Washington Mystics; she had been sidelined with a sprained left ankle.  And I think she was important to the Lynx running the table to ensure they got home-court advantage throughout the WNBA Playoffs, overcoming an early 7-0 deficit to win going away, 86-72.  They still make mistakes, such as dumb passes and blown lay-ups.  But the danger with this squad, the ability to think faster than their opponent on broken plays and their quick-strike transition game, is still there.

One overlooked benefit to clinching the #1 seed: They avoid the 3-seed, the very dangerous New York Liberty, in the best-of-five semifinals.  They finished the season winning their last ten games, beating both the Lynx and the Los Angeles Sparks along the way.  The playoff bracket is set up so that the Liberty will face the 2-seed Sparks in the semis, and it's not guaranteed at all that L.A. will make the WNBA Finals.  In fact, I'll say right now that the Lynx will face New York for the title.  Book it.

Lindsay Whalen is back for the postseason, letting her busted hand heal as much as possible.  She will return to her college roots; the X will now be used by its primary tenant, the Wild, so The Most Successful Franchise In The Twin Cities get moved a second time and will play playoff games at Williams Arena, home to the University of Minnesota women's basketball team.  They will face either Connecticut, Phoenix or the Mystics starting with Game 1 Tuesday.

#-3: Twins (Last Week: 0).  Don't know what to make of this team right now.  They started the week losing the series to Kansas City at Target Field, dropped two-of-three in Tampa, but that win was connected to back-to-back victories over the Royals in Kauffman Stadium, so the nine followed a three-game losing streak with a three-game winning streak, and possibly because of that, they are in a static position in the standings -- ALWC2, 2 1/2 games behind the Yankees for ALWC1, but two games better than the Angels.  Appears as though every contender for the Wild Card spots in the American League -- and there are eight of them, the last two of which are the Royals and Bay Rays, the two teams the Twins played last screening week -- are chopping.  In a situation like that, the teams in the two WC spots stay in the two WC spots.  Good for the Twins.

Better yet, this should be a good week for them.  After attempting to salvage a four-game series split against K.C., they return home the rest of the week.  There is one final weirdo two-game series, and it's against San Diego of all teams, starting on Tuesday.  They will then play four against Toronto, another retread team this season.  If they lose two games in this six-game homestand, I think it should be viewed as a disappointment.  I thought about going to Tuesday's game vs. the Padres, but my friend said that he had a free ticket for Friday's contest against the Blue Jays.

#-4: United FC (Re-Entry!).  Not much else to say for this expansion side's expansion year; as of press time they are 11 points behind the sixth and final playoff spot in the Western Conference and nine points behind eighth place.  Facing a similarly-adrift Philadelphia Union after an International Break, they drew last (Saturday) night at TCF Bank Stadium at 1 in a game where the most important figure was not a player and isn't even human.

In the 68th Minute, after a first half where the Goal by the Union's CJ Sapong (another early tally against MNUFC, BTW, this one in the fifth) was answered by new pick-up Ethan Findlay, a cross in the Loons' offensive zone wound up on the right hand of Philly Defenseman Oguchi Onyewu.  The ref thus called a yellow, Sapong's second of the game, and since the handball occurred in the box, ostensibly that meant a Penalty Kick for Minnesota and a chance to take the lead.

But this is where Video Assistant Referee, or VAR (and should be pronounced like a word ''var") asserted itself/reared its ugly head.  The ref sauntered to the sideline, looked at this medium-sized LED TV, and reviewed the cross with a fine-toothed comb to make sure he saw what he called.  And the ref then changed what he called because he saw something that, in my opinion, didn't happen.  He determined with the help of VAR that Sapong was pushed in the back.  Therefore there was a foul against Minnesota (which player pushed Sapong I do not know).  No PK, no second yellow against Onyewu (so he was able to stay in the match), and in fact it turned into a free kick for Philadelphia.  And that was that (shrug).

This week will be a busy one.  Two games, both on the road: Wednesday at Vancouver, Saturday at Montreal.

Haven't Showered In A Week, Woo-Hoo!!!

It just got that way.  I didn't make any effort not to shower, but I knew I was going to be so busy taking care of my parents' chores that I wouldn't have time.  And that has been the case.  For seven straight days, ever since I showered after dinner Friday, the last day my folks were here.

You know, one of the last things My Fucking Father told me before he left was to make sure I showered every day.  Yeah, fuck that and fuck him!

I am kind of proud of this record.  Then again, I wonder if people have noticed that I haven't.  I wonder if I smell.  Oh, well.

Hey, I might shower after this.  But I think I have to mow the lawn before the game tonight.  But I'm really tired, so maybe I won't do that and just go to the bar for the game.  Who knows?  Who cares?  I'm alone and I'm free, woo-hoo!!!

The Concert Ticket Game

I just returned from the library where I printed out a ticket to tonight's U2 concert.  I went on Stubhub, saw that one ticket was going from $59+, saw that with fees the total comes to less than $75 ... and after using half of my five-minute allotted time, I bit the bullet and charged it to my credit card.

And yet, from the time I started looking online for U2 tickets right through the moment I bought it till now, I wonder if I should have gone the scalping route.  Whenever I look for a ticket, be it for a big concert or a big game, I torture myself with the question: Should I buy it online or on the street?  I have two competing interests in that choice -- getting in while getting in as cheaply as possible.  If I buy through Stubhub or SeatgGek or any other scalper site, I risk buying a ticket for much more than could be available just outside U.S. Bank Stadium.  On the other hand, if I don't buy on the Internet, there's a chance that the tickets I get on the street will be more expensive -- or I risk not seeing anyone selling any tickets at all.

For the past week or so I've been monitoring the prices for the U2 concert on both Stubhub and SeatGeek.  There wasn't any rhyme or reason to them other than the fact that the cheapest seats (the ones I was looking for) was falling in price, but slowly, like a feather hitting the ground.  That makes me think that there would be tickets available on the street.  I could have waited another hour or two and purchased them cheaper online, maybe.

And yet I remember a case where I hesitated and I lost, and where I did not hesitate and I did not lose.  It was early August when US Bank (pronounced "oooos-bahnk") Stadium opened, and the first-ever event was an International Champions Cup friendly between Chelsea and AC Milan.  I wax long about it here, but in summary, I saw decent prices, thought I could get a ticket for dirt cheap through a scalper, went, saw only one selling one ticket for $300, then quickly went to the library where 600 reasonably-priced seats vanished at both scalpers sites.  To this day I still can't comprehend how in the heck that happened.

I remembered that when the Ryder Cup rolled around in early October.  I don't remember the timeline, but at some point before the week of the tournament I bit the bullet and bought a Grounds Pass for the Sunday singles.  The price was kind of floating down, but at $200 I purchased one.  The week of the Ryder Cup those tickets were going for $300, and I tweeted with a local sportscaster who said his friends were seeing tickets for that price as well, thus they couldn't go.

I don't remember the last time I bought a ticket on the street.  It may have been a college hockey tournament game the spring of last year.  But the experiences trying to buy tickets for both that soccer friendly and the Ryder Cup may have steered me into buying tickets exclusively online.  I may now be gun-shy, though, and I sometimes wonder if I'm just a sheep going along, taking the safe route when I could get as good of a ticket (the one I bought is to the side of the stage, and is partially obstructed) for cheaper if I were more patient and haggled with a scalper.

In the end, my love of U2 and of The Joshua Tree album (which they will perform in full) convinced me that I would regret not seeing them (and opener Beck, which is a factor) more than overpaying.  I still won't like it if I see a bunch of scalpers with fists full of tickets in their hands, and if I hear a "$60?  Sold!" I'm going to stick my fingers in my ears and run towards the security line.  But, well, it's too late.  I bought it, and so I'm going to the concert.

By the way, I saw U2 the last time they blew through here, at TCF Bank Stadium in late July, 2011.  Then, I was determined to get a ticket from a scalper.  And there were many tickets available on the road up to the stadium.  And so I got an OK floor ticket for $40.  Does a U2 ticket on the street double in price in six years?  For my sanity, I have to hope so.

Addendum To: Waste Of Tomatoes, And Other Food

Man, I was bitching about too much food lying around the house while I was going off to eat outside because the NFL is back.  But guess what?

I didn't have a go-to fast food place I wanted to get food to go from.  Finally I decided on Wendy's, only because I saw an ad Wednesday night promoting their paradoxically-named Giant Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.  It was part of a $5 deal, where you eat that, fries, get a Coke, and then have nuggets on top of that.  Seems like overkill, and just what I wanted to eat while watching the game.

But when I drove to Wendy's, I saw construction.  What I didn't see was a sign.  They're tearing it down!  (And by the way, they also tore down the newer Burger King close to my house.  What the hell gives?)  So now the only fast food place that's close by are Dairy Queen, which I never associated with anything other than ice cream, and Taco Bell.  They do have a $5 box deal, or something or other, and time actually was getting short, so I drove there to get one featuring the now-expired Potato-Rito.

So I get home and eat the three (relatively warm) items in the box.  And then I get hungry.  Damn you, Taco Bell, you did it again!  I had such cravings to eat something else that I immediately got the leftover pork chops, onion-and-mushroom side dressing, and rice and ate it all.  There wasn't a whole lot left, but the portions left consisted of full meals for me when I started going through those leftovers on Sunday and Tuesday.  It was that ... magic juju in Taco Bell that made me eat so much.

And uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh, I feel so weird right now!  I'm glad I don't have a full day at work, but I plan on going to the U2 concert tonight.  Ah, what to do?!

Waste Of Tomatoes, And Other Food

After blogging this, I'm going to go out to the garden and water.  There are vegetables there, I think.  They are still good, or at least salvageable, I think.  Really, I have no instructions from my parents as to what to do with them besides not ignore them.  So, since I have the time, I might as well go out and water them.

They cut down what they planted to tomatoes and melons -- I think; where are the melons?  I don't know if it's because they knew they wouldn't be here to harvest them or because I am so lousy and indifferent to tending to them.  Nevertheless, looking out my window I see a pair of vines with some discolored tomatoes.  Meanwhile, my folks plucked some unripened ones and set them in a basket on the kitchen counter.  They told me that once they're ripe to put it in the fridge.  But when is it ripe?  Oh man, do I have to look it up on the Internet?

But wait, there's more!  There is a paper bag in the refrigerator filled with tomatoes -- both the regular-sized ones and some baby tomatoes.  They tell me to use them for the salad; there's lettuce in the fridge they left for me, too.  But frankly, goddammit, I'm not hungry enough to eat them, at least not yet.  They didn't leave me, like, an apocalypse-level of food.  But, for example, there are pork chops in there that I haven't completely finished.  Then, alongside the lettuce and tomatoes, there are eggs that will probably spoil soon (don't know how I can tell -- another thing I need to look up on the Internet!).  And there are ribs in the freezer.  At least I'll have time to eat those.

Hey, I love leftovers because they're free.  But man cannot live on bread alone; last night I went out to eat.  It was at our alumni club's game-watching site, and I needed to go to make sure we can watch our games there, but I wanted to eat outside, too.  I simply can't just eat and eat and eat and eat all the shit my parents have here.  I just can't!  And so, yes, good, decent, innocent tomatoes and all the other food might spoil before I have a chance to eat them.  I don't know what to do.

And no, I don't feel guilty enough to eat leftovers tonight.  It's the beginning of the professional football season, and I want to celebrate by getting a lot of fast food and bringing it home.