I'm A Workin' Man

Just wanted to note that, because of filling in for other people and jobs not filled, I am in the middle of 13 straight days working at, uh, work.  In fact, today represents the exact middle of this "homestand."

Don't mind it at all.  Want to show that I can help out at work when I can, and I can.  Besides, my parents ran The Store by themselves for more than 30 years, and until they started taking vacations to Las Vegas in the past ten or so years, they were at The Store every day, seven days a week, no vacation.  Seen it before; doesn't bother me at all, especially when all I'm doing is a desk job.

Not for nothing: The evening of my last day at work, I pick up my parents from the airport.  So, in a sense, do I really get a vacation?

This Personal Hotspot Thing Works!

I am blogging this through a connection via personal hotspot.  This is the first time I'm doing this.  I found the instructions whereby you use your iPhone as essentially the modem through which the laptop connects to the Internet.  It goes through Bluetooth, and I mark today as the first time I also am using Bluetooth.  Feels good to blog post this before night falls.

I am at ****e's place.  We're going to have fish, and then we're going to fuck.  Nice having a day off, even though, I must admit, I feel like I should be cleaning up the house now.

Not Caring

I felt a sense of urgency up till Thursday.  That is our recycling day, and I was fervently going through all my papers and stuff, looking to see if there was anything I could send into the bin.  I am sort of proud of what I was able to go through -- much more than previous stints where my parents have been away -- but I have bags and bags left to go.

But today is Thursday, and the recycling bin has been picked up, and although there is so, so much more to do, I am nonplussed about doing it all.  Right now I'm just doing other things.  Funny, since I am working only half-days today and tomorrow/Friday and I was intent on going through more of my things and, really, getting my stuff back to storage and cleaning up the house.  But today, I planned on going to a concert in the evening, getting my shoes polished, and keeping up with our gamewatching venue in downtown Minneapolis.  I also squeezed in getting tabs for the old car, which took waiting 45 goddamn minutes at the DMV.  Oh, and I also had a fancy brunch at a fancy restaurant in St. Paul.  The only time I was at home today, till now, is to take a nap.

Tomorrow I'm not even going home after work.  I am instead going down south and fucking ****e one more time before my parents are in the vicinity.  Then thinking of either going to Hooters to get my calendar signed or to Glam Doll to work on stuff on the computer.  Maybe both.  But I won't be home, doing the things I frantically wanted to do for the past week or so.

Hmmm.  Maybe I should start caring.  I have bad memories where My Fucking Father is just screaming at me, accusing me of not caring about ... something, I don't know what.

This is going to a dark place I don't want this blog post to go.  I shall stop.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!).  A rather wan screening week.  Nobody improved their standing, so to speak, which is very disappointing.  So I, once again, give the top spot to the Minnesota Golden Gopher women's hockey team, the only team in the Twin Cities who can reliably reach the postseason (and hopefully I didn't jinx the program).  They finished the regular season this past weekend at Ridder with a sweep of Minnesota State-Mankato by scores of 5-1 and 3-0.  However, the club remains third in the PairWise, setting up a national Semifinal vs. Wisconsin.  And they finish second in the WCHA while the Badgers get the bye.

The U. has to play a best-two-of-three First Round series this weekend at home against St. Cloud St.  Assuming they win, I can't see how the Gophs miss the postseason.

#-2: Gopher softball (Last Week: -2).  Second are the Gopher softballers, who, in my estimation, had a so-so week in the Baylor Tournament in Waco, Tex., over the weekend.  They took both Games from Tulsa, including an 11-0, Mercy-Ruled (five Innings) victory behind reigning B1G Softball Pitcher Of The Week Amber Fiser's third career No-Hitter.  But they lost to host Baylor, 2-1 in eight.  More puzzling is the split with Texas St.; shut them out in the second Game, 4-0, but lost to the Bobcats in their first, 3-2.  None of those three squads were ranked last weekend, but the Bears are now 23rd in the USA Today poll -- helped, in part, by the defeat of the Gophers.  Meanwhile, that 3-2 screening week pushed the U. down only one spot, to 18th, which surprises me.

Tournament time continues; this week is the Auburn tournament in Alabama.  They play a pair vs. the host Tigers as well as Binghamton, with a solo tilt against Georgia Southern.

#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  They went to conference-leading Penn St. and took only a Point; they lost to the Nittany Lions, 4-3, in Double Overtime Friday Night and then lost in regulation, 3-2, Saturday Night.

Yet, somehow, the current PairWise rankings has the U. in 14th ... and the penultimate team in the NCAA Tournament.  I think they somehow improved their ranking from the weekend.  This would be a substantial turnaround in the Gophers' fortunes from earlier this year, when they looked absolutely lost.  So yeah -- even though this group technically lost both Games, I'm rankin' them third.

Now, this could go all pear-shaped this weekend, when they finish out the regular season with a two-Game series against Michigan at 3M.  But the Wolverines aren't that good, and if the Gophers sweep, they would only strengthen their playoff position.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -8).  The biggest move at the Trade Deadline wasn't; it was Zach Parise almost going to the New York Islanders.  Wow, if Bill Guerin were able to deal off that huge contract, we might put up a statue of him.  Naw, naw, just kidding -- he's One Of Us, and I hope he wants to stay.

Anyhoo, while the squad actually won three-of-four this week (the only loss a thorough 4-1 ass-kicking by St. Louis at the X), their chances of reaching the playoffs is middling at best -- 32%, according to The Athletic.  The only saving grace is that the Mild have more Games in order to make up Points than the likes of Nashville, Winnipeg and Arizona.  But dammit, they have to win more Games at home.

Lucky for them, maybe, that they begin the screening week on the road -- at Detroit and Columbus, both back-to-back.  They then fly home to face Washington and then the aforementioned Predators.

#-5: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  In their first home series of the year (even though it was at U. S. Bank Stadium), the Gophers dropped two-of-three versus TCU, and in the only Game they won, the middle/Sunday one, they had to hold off the Horned Frogs, 7-6.  Otherwise, they were outscored -- gulp -- 23-2.  Max Meyer took the Loss in Saturday's series opener (a 12-0 rout), surrendering four Runs and needing 108 Pitches to get through 5 2/3 Innings.

Right now they're playing South Dakota St. at Das Bank v.2.0.  This weekend (also at Das Bank v.2.0) they host what was once called The Big Ten/ACC Challenge, which has now be rechristened the 2020 CambriaCollegeClassic (it's listed as one word on the U. athletic website), where the Gophers, Iowa and Purdue square off against Atlantic Coast Conference foes Duke, North Carolina, and N. C. St.  I was planning to go, but I'm working all three days, and I will only go if I can see all six teams play over the course of the whole day.  Dammit.  Oh, and they play North Dakota St. at Das Bank v.2.0 on Tuesday.  Just realized that the Nine have a 14-Game homestand at the Vikings' stadium.  Maybe not a homestand.  This is more like a residency, kind of like the time Garth Brooks played ten shows in as many nights at Target Center.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6).  Sure, they routed Northwestern by 26 in Evanston Sunday.  But the more important Game was Wednesday's against Indiana at The Barn, and they got humiliated by a dozen.  They needed that win.  And now, even though a roadie vs. Wisconsin Sunday looms really large, many bracketologists are saying that the Gophers' contest at home against Maryland, which is happening as I type this, is the make-or-break Game of the year.  Lose this, and the U. will have to run the table in the B1G Tournament.

In other words, don't hold your breath.

#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  I admit that ranking these next three clubs is tough.

The losing streak is now five after defeats this screening week to Toronto, Charlotte, Boston and Denver.  But they've been without Karl-Anthony Towns for a part of this week, and they're already tanking, so (shrug).  They're playing in Miami right now, and hanging tough.  After that: In Orlando, home to Dallas, at New Orleans.

#-8: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -4).  Wound up the regular season by getting embarrassed, at home, to now-fourth-ranked Nebraska, 29-12.  Talk about your lost programs.  They finish 4-5 in-conference, and losers of their last three Duals.  Eesh.

B1Gs in two weeks in New Jersey.

#-9: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -7).  Yeah, any hope that these young women would get into The Big Dance was snuffed Saturday with a 75-69 loss to Indiana at Williams.  This team has lost four in a row and are 5-11 in Big Ten play.  I don't exactly have the reasons why I put these ballers dead last in the WMNSS, but I just feel that this program is as lost as it has ever been.  Where is the improvement?  Where are the recruits?  What plan does Lindsay Whalen have?

They finish the year in Iowa and then home to Maryland.  This could be six in a row.

Stuff I'm Donating To Goodwill

• Off-white/khaki-ish relaxed, uh, khakis from the Gap.
• Two/both pairs of dark green/olive cargo pants -- the ones with those extra side pockets -- Father, I think, bought for me from, I guess, Kohl's.  They are from the Basic Editions brand and they are both 32 x 30.
• Candy I don't like -- Airheads, a lollipop and old gum.

Those three pairs of pants I'm donating because the front button popped out.  That is an obvious indication that I have gotten too fat for them.  I wish they would serve as motivation for me to lose weight; if I can drop some lbs., maybe I can fit back into those pants (provided, of course, I could find someone who could stitch a new button onto them).  But I need to be realistic.  Besides, I have enough pants that are big enough to fit me, so maybe I shouldn't spend money on a tailor to attach new buttons, especially if they'll just pop out again.

They've been laying on the floor next to the piano for weeks now.  I had contemplated saving them, or even trying to sell them.  If I were more enterprising I would try to see if I could get money for those three khakis, but at this point I think it's best if I just get stuff out of the house.

Yeah, I'll Never Get It Done

Two weeks left.  Less than, even.  I have ... let's see ... four bags of stuff I brought home from storage, plus another bag from the auto show (the 2012 Auto Show, and there are more of those bags in my closet).  I want to go through them, take out all the EWs, sort out any sports programs in them, and then read and recycle the rest.

Have I gotten through them all?  What do you think?

Look, I'm trying.  But ... it's difficult.  I read one City Pages from, like, 2011 and I get all nostalgic.  Meanwhile I want to exercise, like I will do after I blog post this and masturbate.

I'll never get it done.  In fact I'll be packing more stuff back into storage in no time.

NyQuil Is A Mother

Not that I needed it, I just want to use it all before the folks return (shudder), but last night I took another swig of NyQuil.  Probably have two more gulps to go.  It'll be something, because, of all the times I've taken it before, when I was ill or not, I woke up like I was hung over.  And I have never been hung over.

Took it around ... 1?  Midnight?  I then actually stayed up to start taping up my Entertainment Weeklys.  I felt good.  Active, even.  I then started to get drowsy, either because of the NyQuil or because my body was shutting down, and after looking through my health care directive, I went to bed around 2:30.

My alarm woke me up at 9.  And I was tired.  And, my head felt like I had a head cold.  I thought NyQuil was supposed to fix head colds ... and I didn't have a head cold when I drank it last night.  And until, oh, I got out of work around 2:30, there was a mass in the middle of my head and I was groggy all afternoon.

Was I sick?  Was it the NyQuil?  Was I just tired?  I feel good now, but I actually took a quick nap not too long ago, so ... I don't know what it was.  I know I'll have to drink some more to empty the bottle, and I'm kind of wary what it'll do to me the next time.

The Democrats Are In Disarray

I have to tell y'all that I started this draft almost a year ago.  I just didn't know how to talk about all the things I wanted to talk about in a way that made sense.  Since then, a lot of shit has happened that I did not anticipate.  And now, with the results in Nevada -- just the third state to vote, my you -- I fear that I may be too late in blogging about this topic, which has morphed into something else, and much more sinister.  But I'll start from the beginning anyway, and I'll try to make some sense.

When all of ... "this" began, I wanted to think that the ultimate aim, to take down the Republicans and Donald Trump, was something everyone who is of decent character was focused on.  There are a lot of candidates, and many (if not all) of them vowed when they got into the race that they would keep it clean, that they would remain civil towards their fellow party members and aim all their ire (and, hopefully, insults) at Trump.

The sentiment that everyone would be respectable towards each other seems like a pipe dream now.  But, at least before all ... "this" started, I knew this was going to happen.  And you know what?  That's OK.  Look, politics is never civil.  These Democrats are fighting to be The Leader Of The Free World.  Elbows are going to be thrown.  And people need to distinguish between what was once 22 (?) candidates to find the person who is going to face Trump, Republicans, The Stupid People Among Us Who Want To Be Ruled By A Dictator, and the cheating (voter suppression and voter fraud as well as foreign influence and disinformation) that is going to be employed for the general election in November.  Of course this is going to be dirty.  This isn't a fucking tea party.  This is, for all intents and purposes, war, moreso now because of the bullshit coming from Republicans.

With that being said, even I have had my limit of the Democratic primary already.  What I did not take into account, or believe, is that the attacks would get so personal.  And it's coming from the supporters of one candidate -- Bernie Sanders, who has just won Nevada and, although it should fly in the face of all common sense because there are 47 states who have yet to vote, seems like the presumptive Democratic nominee.  Much of the toxicity comes from supporters on Twitter, but I have heard many anecdotes -- anecdotes, sure, but many of them -- about friends and strangers coming up to them and, after trying to discuss doubts and questions they have about Sanders, fly into a seething rage.  I have heard friendships have broken up because of Sanders.

There could be a huge disinformation/disruption campaign going on.  All these Bernie Bros. on Twitter could just be Russian bots.  But the face-to-face in-your-faceness from Sanders supporters is harder to ignore or dismiss.  This bullying is something I could not dream of from the left.  And yet, here it is.  Moreover, Sanders has had ample opportunities to stop it, and his efforts have not worked all that well.  It may be because some of this toxicity has come from his surrogates -- more proof that these haters can't just be chalked up to trolls living in Moldova.

All of this leads me to a scary possibility: That Russia or other foreign entities are helping Sanders win much like how Russia helped Trump win.  Two follow-up questions, in my opinion, are just as important: Does Sanders know this?  And what is he going to do about it?  I thought about these same questions for Trump, and, hopefully without being brainwashed by disinformation on the Internet, the answers to them are fuck yeah, and jack shit.  But I'm not sure if Sanders's answers won't be the same.

Therefore, that leads me to fear the scariest worst-case scenario: That Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are basically the same.  There are already too many factual similarities that I find distasteful: They are self-styled populists; they make proclamations that they hate "the establishment"; and they have won the nomination of a party they are not technically a part of.  There are other similarities which I do not totally believe, but scare me if they are indeed true: Their supporters are basically cult members who believe their "God" can do no wrong; they don't believe Russian interference exists, or at least it is not a big deal; and they have an authoritarian streak, that they want to get shit done, on their own, without some obstructive "checks and balances" that "centrists" have given as the reason to compromise, which is the reason our country is going to hell in a handbasket.  In political science, there is a concept called the "horseshoe theory," whereby the extremes of the political spectrum aren't polar opposites but are instead analogous when it comes to both values and actions that achieve those values.  It's as if both the extreme right and the extreme left are backing away from their moderate wings (hurling insults all the way) so much that they've butted asses with each other.  Horseshoe theory isn't considered canon, but by God it makes so much fucking sense to me right now.

So I am left in a bind.  I do not want to fall into giving every candidate a purity test.  Fact is all of the candidates have some flaws; you go with the one whose flaws trouble you the least.  However, on the opposite end of that is throwing up your hands and saying, "Both sides do it."  There is a factual difference between what Republicans do and believe and what decent Americans who have brains do and believe, and not searching for that distinction shows one is too lazy to give a fuck about what's happening to our country.  But I do not know how to feel about Bernie Sanders right now.  His meteoric rise scares me.  His about-face on not releasing his medical records and tax returns scare me.  And the continuous insults and threats lobbied to non-acolytes in his name really scares me.

And the thing is, if you substituted Trump's name for Sanders's, those last three sentences in the paragraph above are exactly how I feel about Trump.

Maybe it's not just Democrats who don't want Sanders are in disarray.  And maybe it's not just all Democrats who are in disarray.  Maybe all of us who seek the facts are in disarray.

So, maybe we're all fucked.

Poor Decisions, Part 3

There are a lot of things I could do tonight.  I want to get more politically active, and as such there was a ticket meet-and-greet with liberal talk show host Thom Hartmann at the jazz club really, really close by that I have yet to go to but really want to.  The ticket's $200, but I think I need to start to put my money where my mouth is.

Meanwhile, this group I'm a part of is holding a game night at a brewery in St. Paul I have also not been to and also want to go to.  Finally, well, there's chores I could do at home with my parents "x" days away from coming back.

What I am going to do instead of all of those things?  The Girls' State High School Hockey Championship Games, in both classes, starting at 4.  Doesn't leave me a lot of time to take a nap, but I am determined to go.  What you choose to do shows what priorities you have, and I have to face that, instead of chores or this group or even discussing the end of our democracy, my first and true love is sports.  I come to that conclusion with some angst, especially the Hartmann dinner.  But in the end, I think I'll enjoy doing it.  Hopefully this is not a poor decision.

Poor Decisions, Parts 1 & 2

Just went to McDonald's.  Used a coupon whereby I could get a free Coke and fries if I bought either a Quarter Pounder with Cheese or a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

I thought to myself which sandwich to get.  I then decided to get the double because, and I know this was the mindset I had, I thought to myself, "Well, I might as well get the bigger, more expensive sandwich if it's free with this coupon."

No, dummy.  The fries and Coke are free.  The sandwich isn't.  You have to buy the sandwich in order to get the free fries and Coke.

I realized that just as I was started to eat the Double Quarter Pounder.  I usually stay away from doubles, on principle, because two patties is overkill and it's too tall for my mouth.  But, and I have to say this, I don't remember having a McDonald's burger, or even any burger, as juicy or good as the one I just had.

---

Going to the Echosmith concert at around 7.  They/The main act get onstage at 8:15.  They're a family band; they'll go up there at the appointed time, and they're up there that early, because they're good kids.

What I will miss if I stayed home?  The series finale of Fresh Off The Boat, which, and I'm not exaggerating, is the first show of any kind in American TV that I know of depicting the Asian-American experience.  It was frequently funny, too.  Once I heard that they were ending the series, and that that last-ever episode would air tonight, I made a point to be at home to watch it.

And then, like a few weeks ago, I went online to buy tickets to see Echosmith and another band because I wanted to be able to go out while my parents are away.  It was only earlier this week that I was able to put two and two together -- that the Echosmith concert is the same night as the FOTB series finale.  Well, shit, I already bought the ticket, so I have to go.  Besides, I can probably see the episodes (there are two of them) later online, even though I probably won't because I don't watch TV on the computer.

If I had realized this conflict sooner, I would have decided to eschew the concert.  Maybe.  But I'm just hating myself right now for, once again, not being able to put the pieces together until it was way too late.

What The Fuck Was I Thinking?!

OK, so a couple days ago I was driving into work and this car pissed me off.  He (and I'm almost certain it's a man) got in front of me and took the same off-ramp as I.  I tried to get around him, but slow cars blocked my way.  Meanwhile, he was able to find the open spots and get ahead of me, and yet he took the same goddamn off-ramp as I.  I transmitted my frustration with him by clicking my high-beams on -- not once but twice.

The second I did that I stopped.  He was taking a right past at the top of the off-ramp while I was going straight.  But what if he was also going straight, right to my work?  Or, what if he was taking a right, saw my high-beams for a second time, then decided to follow me to where I parked?

What I usually do with drivers who piss me off is take write in the Notes app of my phone the license plate, the description of both the car and, if possible, the driver, and when and where the road rage incident occurred.  I did the same thing with this dude once I parked.  But the more I thought about it, and the more I thought I was enraged by him, the more I thought that, frankly, I was in the wrong.  First off, I know I can't antagonize anyone on the road; not only is it not the right thing to do, it's not smart, and I didn't have any weapons to defend myself.  But more importantly, if I were honest with myself, this guy didn't do a wrong goddamn thing.  My trigger when it comes to bad drivers is changing lanes without signaling.  However, he did signal, every single time.  All the other frustrations with him came from the asshole getting all the open spaces I didn't get.  That's just it.

But because of my aggression, I picked a fight with someone who might be spoiling for one as well.  So now I have to watch my ass in case I encounter him on the road again.  Therefore, I've taken measures to avoid him as much as possible.  Yesterday I took side streets to work.  Today/this morning I come in a half-hour later, so assuming this fucker was going to work and has a job with a regular schedule, I won't have to worry about seeing him.  Next week I think I'll need to keep taking those side streets, and maybe longer, just in case.

Man, why didn't I just let this prick go?

They Took The News Well

Last night I broke the news to my parents -- well, Father -- about the plants that died and/or are dying.  Didn't tell them that I am watering less frequently; I told them I am following Father's instructions and pouring a pot-full into the plants every day, even though I now believe overwatering is what's killing them.

Their response?  Through Mother: "The plants don't like me."

They probably don't, in all honesty.  But then they said to just keep watering.  And that was it.

Phew!  Maybe telling them -- gulp -- a fortnight before they come home helped them keep calm.  Or maybe they're just sanguine now in general.  Whatever the reason, I just wished I had this easygoing-ness from my parents a lot more often when I was young.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -7).  In what was a horrible, no-good, very bad screening week for local sports, it is the Golden Gopher men's hockey team that comes out on top after getting out of the weekend, and South Bend, Ind., relative unscathed.  They took five-of-six Points over Notre Dame, winning the 3-3 Shootout Friday and holding on to defeat the Fighting Irish 2-1 Saturday.  Because of that, the U. is now in a three-way tie for 15th in the PairWise.  That's still not on the right side of the bubble, but I don't think they've been this close to tournament position in a year and a half.  And by the way, these young men have won seven of their past eight Games.  I told you about the time I went to Game at Mariuccui against Penn St. when it was more than half empty.  I hope some people are giving this club another chance, and I hope this club isn't squandering that chance.

A pivotal series comes this weekend.  The team travels to State College to play two Games against Penn St., the team they are tied with (at least in Points; I assume Regulation Wins are the tie-breaker, and the Nittany Lions have that), Friday and Saturday nights.

#-2: Gopher softball (Last Week: -8).  I really, really don't know what to make of this squad's performance in the ESPN St. Pete/Clearwater Elite Invitational (which, I was just made aware, is actually a tournament involving 16 teams; UCLA was the only team to run the table, and that's why the Bruins are #1 in this week's rankings) in Florida over the weekend.  First they got shut out by Oklahoma St., 2-0, late Friday morning.  In the early evening, the U. scores two Runs in the bottom of the Seventh Inning to walk it off over Florida St.  Late Saturday afternoon they lose to Virginia Tech, 2-1.  Finally, on Sunday morning they Mercy-Ruled Missouri, 10-1, by scoring four in the top of the Sixth.

Of the four opponents, only the Hokies were not ranked.  The Tigers were ranked 19th; the Cowgirls 16th; and the Seminoles fifth.  So, does one give the Golden Gophers more credit for winning twice over ranked teams, once via Game-ender and the other via slaughter?  Or does one ding them for getting upset by Va. Tech?

The USA Today Coaches Poll rendered its verdict.  The Gophers dropped from 14th to 17th.  As for their foes: Florida St. dropped to ninth; Oklahoma St. actually overtook Minnesota and replaced them at 14th; Missouri actually moved up one spot to 18th; and Virginia Tech entered the Top 25 at 24th.

The club moves to Waco, Tex., and participate in the Baylor Tournament.  Five Games total: The requisite tilt vs. the host Bears, and a pair of contests each versus Texas St. and Tulsa.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Re-Entry!).  It sure as hell doesn't feel like spring now, but the college baseball season has begun.  Per usual, the Gopher Nine began in warmer climes -- Tempe, Ariz. -- and participated in the 2020 Angels College Classic over the weekend, where they started the season with a 12-10 victory over Oregon but then dropped decisions to Pepperdine and San Diego.  The team then seemingly stayed in Tempe Monday to play an out-of-tournament Game vs. Arizona, and they beat the Wildcats by a score of 5-2.

The Gophers, which did not reach the NCAA Tournament a year after making it to Super Regionals, have some things expected of them this week.  Baseball America predicts the Golden Gophers will finish third in the Big Ten, while website D1Baseball.com thinks they'll finish second, behind College World Series loser Michigan.  (These two and Ohio St. figure to be the top three schools in the league this year, although Indiana appears to be a live dark horse.)

One thing that seems to be conventional wisdom: Golden Gopher Righthander Max Meyer is the best Pitcher in the B1G.  He was voted as a first-team Preseason All-American, and the Woodbury native might be picked in the first round of the Major League Baseball Draft.  Minnesota may have the best rotation in the conference, with Patrick Fredrickson and Sam Thoresen behind Meyer.  Those two, it is expected, will get a shot in making baseball a career after their time at Dinkytown comes to an end.

Will the young offense be able to round into form to take the U. back into the tourney?  We shall see -- and all of us will be able to see them this weekend.  U. S. Bank Stadium is free this weekend for the U. to host a three-Game series against TCU.  Shoot!  I was planning on seeing a Game in this series, but I work Monday, I probably won't be able to make it in time to get to the 2 o'clock start Sunday, and I'll probably go to the Minnesota Girls' State Hockey Finals Saturday.

#-4: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -9).  From this point forward, all the teams finished the week winless.  I guess I am ordering these five sorry-ass teams based on how damaging the losses they suffered were to their postseason hopes.  And frankly, I chose the U. wrestlers to be first among this morass because I have surmised for a long time that this is tournament team that has no chance on winning a title, and therefore this screening week hasn't really "changed" anything, know what I mean?

Just like I figured in last week's survey, the grapplers went down to Iowa City and got smoked by the Hawkeyes, 35-6.  The Dual started off at 184, and Minnesota's Owen Webster beach Iowa's Cash Wilcke by a 3-2 Decision.  Hawkeyes took the lead at 197 via Major Decision, but Gable Steveson, ranked 1st among Heavyweights, defeated Tony Cassioppi (ranked third) to give the U. a 6-4 lead.

But then Minnesota forfeited at 125.  This is the second straight Dual where they just didn't have somebody at that weight.  I attended a Gopher wrestling match once; the program listed, like, 50 wrestlers.  There isn't one, like, fucking walk-on who they could trot out?  No?  The Hawkeyes took a 10-6 lead and surged away, sweeping the last six weight classes and racking up 25 Points.  How can Minnesota be in the same fuckin' gym as these guys at this point in the program?

They finish the regular season Friday at Maturi against Nebraska.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3).  Well, that was fun while it lasted.  They drop a second straight at home Wednesday to lowly Charlotte by seven.  Well, they weren't going anywhere anyhow, right?

Coming off of the All-Star Break they host Boston Friday, then have a back-to-back Sunday and Monday at Denver and at Dallas.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6).  These young men are now projected to be left out of the field after an incredibly damaging 58-55 loss to Iowa at home.  They took an eight-Point lead on an 8-0 spurt with more than five minutes to go in the Game ... then proceeded to not score for the rest of the Game.  A late lead versus a beatable opponent at home, and then you choke on it?  That doesn't look good on the tournament resume.

Tonight/Wednesday night they host Indiana.  They then visit Northwestern Sunday afternoon.

#-7: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -5).  These young women are now projected to be left out of the field after back-to-back blowout losses on the road to Ohio St. and Michigan St.  (I put the women below the men because at least the men lost only one Game this screening week.)  They've lost three in a row now.  It just feels as if Lindsay Whalen has run out of ideas.  They're now just holding onto a second straight spot in the WNIT.

Only one Game -- Saturday vs. Indiana at home.

#-8: Wild (Last Week: -4).  For once in the WMNSS it was difficult to decide which is the worst of the teams in a screening week.  The last three teams suffered winless weeks that threw them out of playoff contention, although they were on the outside looking in when the week began.

Of the three, I decided the Mild had the worst.  They finished up a four-Game homestand in a part of the season where they have a surfeit of home Games.  But on Thursday, the Mild choked on a 3-1 lead to the New York Rangers and lost in the Shootout (although Artemi Panarin reportedly made an illegal backward self-pass in his Penalty Shot).  That apparently was the final straw for General Manager Bill Guerin; the next morning, he canned Head Coach Bruce Boudreau and appointed Dean Evason as his replacement on an interim basis.  That should inject a bit of life into the squad, right?

Nope!  The club apparently played like they didn't give a shit Saturday in a listless 2-0 loss to San Jose.  They dropped three-of-four in the homestand.  And while they were once in position to be one Point from a playoff spot, other teams have won, and now the Mild are seven Points away from a birth.  For all their "effort," players after the Sharks humiliation said they were happy with the energy and urgency they exerted.  The facts say otherwise.

There are a couple people on Twitter postulating a conspiracy theory that Guerin made this HC switch because he really wants the Mild to tank.  If so, well, the reverse psychology worked!  It'll suck to see this team disintegrate, though -- and potentially to see Matt Dumba and/or Jonas Brodin get traded to contenders.

This week: At Vancouver and Edmonton, then home to St. Louis and Columbus.

Laptop Slowing Down Too

So back in September I was complaining that my laptop was getting too fucking hot.  I didn't say that it was slowing down, too.  But it was, and it still is.  I don't know if it's because I was playing slots on Facebook once too often or if I haven't cleared the cache in months, but it's slowing down.

How long have I had this computer?  Two years?  Three years?

Still works.  It just gets slower to the point where I'm really noticing.

What to do?  I hear one can open up the inside of my lap and clean the parts of dust.  Or, maybe I can pay somebody to do this.  Eh, I probably won't do anything until I'll have to.

Expenses Without Receipts

Shit, I let this get way too long again.  Starting from Monday, February 17:

• Didn't spend a thing on Monday -- which is becoming a thing; I just eat at home, work out, then eat at home again -- so let's go back to Sunday the 16th.  I wanted to work on a bunch of things -- this EWR, going through my receipts, helping my parents translate Chinese on Firefox -- at Caffetto, but goddammit, they were once again all filled up.  The hair salon next door closed, and they could have bought the space, knocked down the wall and expanded (I think the business would come, and then some), but an ice cream shop is moving in instead.  So I just took my computer and went over to the only other place I could think of at the time that was open -- Pryes Brewing.  They're only open till 10, which sucks, and I didn't open up my computer because it feels very awkward to look at a laptop in a microbrewery.  But I did go through and write down all my receipts.  The pizza I bought was nice, although it was cold, although that may have been because I left it sitting there while I was organizing my receipts.  But they had a nitro raspberry sour, and damn, I think I like sours.  Maybe I didn't tip like I should have because there is tax at Pryes, which screws me up.  Nevertheless, it's a good place, even though it would have been much cheaper if I found a table at Caffetto.  Total, with tip: $24.
• On Saturday the 15th I went down to My Favorite Stripclub to see my ATF before my parents come home.  (I was going to make it A Night Of Babes; after this I went to Hooters to hopefully get some calendar girls to sign my calendar, but none of them were working that night.)  She was there, and she was great, even though she is getting a little chunkier.  But hey, so am I.  A dozen table dancers with her, plus cover (which I think my instant mac 'n' cheese took a couple dollars off of), stage tips (eight for my ATF, one for this other veteran I was going to tip more of before I saw my ATF was finally done with another customer) and Coke (I preferred a beer, but no waitress showed up until halfway through my stay) equals: $144.
• Back to Friday the 14th, aka Valentines Day ... I was going to do this strip club/Hooters thing on this night, but a stripper from My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) invited all of through the Facebook group to this event at this performance space at the basement of a bar.  I thought it was going to be burlesque with puns.  Or something.  But the only thing I thought was going to happen that did happen was the puns.  The stripper said it was going to start at 8, so I got there before then; it started, I think, around 9:30.  (And I forgot my phone at home; I was staring at people for 90 minutes -- boring as hell, but maybe that's better than staring at my phone for 90 minutes.)  She said cover was $5 when it was actually $10.  I checked the website for drink specials and the one on special Friday nights has a new name -- that ain't that important, but it goes with the theme of the night, which is deception!  And oh, I realized, again, that I get my fill of puns fairly quickly.  I left before it ended because, hey, they didn't start on time.  All told the damage was: $15.
• Thursday the 13th -- I was so hungry after work that when I went to the gas station for money, I also bought a hot dog.  The cashier was on the phone so he didn't speak to me at all.  When he rung me up, I gave him two bucks; he just opened up the cash register, put the two bucks in, closed it and gave me the receipt.  I pointed to the change in my hand; he waved me off.  Therefore, I just paid: $2.
• There was a stripper party that evening.  It was at a house that, from the outside, looks like a store.  The lap dance area was out in the open, so I only got a pair of lappers from Breezy.  There were nine girls who showed up, but by the time I left, only five did, and I only recognized three of them, and I didn't get any dances from one of them, the host *****a, because ... well, I'll explain below.  Of the two, one was Breezy.  The other was ****a, who I took to the bed, which was not out in the open, because after she worked my cock over with her mouth, doing that blowjob out in the open would have been scandalous!  With cover and room fee: $190.
• I stayed at this party for 2 1/2 hours.  I got more money than I actually spent.  That helped me get this massage with ******a.  That massage -- and it's a completely chaste one, not one with happy ending -- came together quickly.  She texted me earlier that week about offering massages instead of lap dances, and it was only the morning of the 13th where I replied.  I then saw at the party that "her schedule opened up" so that she could give me a massage that night.  I was out and was ready to leave, so instead of getting back home in time to watch L&O:SVU, I went to her place for a 25-minute massage.  Not bad, although these kinks in my neck and back may never leave me.  At least it cost me just: $40.
• Take this back to Sunday, February 9.  I think I blogged about this: I did not want to be stuck at home watching the Oscars, but I took a nap so late that it began by the time I woke up.  I was rutting around, wondering about where to go.  So I went to a microbrewery, like I said, and it was Pryes.  I got out so late that I spent less than an hour there before they closed up.  But this is where I fell in love with their raspberry sour.  With tip: $7.66
• Friday, February 7: My face hair was getting long, so I gave the guys from Moler another chance.  It was, to be honest, one of the most patient, thoughtful, and best face shaves I've ever received from this place.  This student shaves like a pro.  For that, I gave him a five-dollar tip.  With the shave at a cost of $6, I paid a total of: $11.
• Went to Jersey Mike's for lunch.  These guys make great subs, but I only go here because I have a coupon knocking off two bucks for them.  Nevertheless I charged the sub, chips and pop.  But I used cash for the tip: $1.  (ETA at 9:54 p.m. on March 28 that I in fact did not use my credit card here but instead totally used all money.  So the correct EWR here is: $11.43.)
• I wanted to work on my receipts in the evening while going out.  But I wanted to go somewhere else before going to Glam Doll.  Hmmm -- don't know why.  But I went to Caribou close by work.  Charged the coffee, so this is tip only: $1.  (ETA at 9:56 p.m. on March 28, and this shit is pissing me off, that I did not use my credit card for this transaction either.  I paid with cash: $5.82.)
• At Glam Doll I got one donut and a pour-over.  Got a second donut free, for which I tipped.  Total: $10.91.
• On Thursday the 6th *****a came over for some vicious hand lovin'.  Because of this, I didn't have to get any dances from her in the party she hosted later in the month.  Total: $140.
• She kind of pissed me off.  She planned on coming in later that evening, so I had time to get my hair cut (it was getting annoying long).  But while I was there she said she was suddenly free and she was moseying over to my house.  So I had to cancel and come home.  And then I waited because she said she couldn't be there on time.  It isn't fun to have my plans screwed up, no matter that I was getting a good handjob.  But she got done in time for me to get to a Great Clips that closes at 9.  Say, you ever notice that most haircutter places close at 8?  The GC I usually go to does, but there was one not too far from where I live that closes at 9.  Unfortunately the stylist fucked it up.  But as a sucker I overpaid for tip.  Charged the haircut, however, so the total EWR is: $4.  (ETA at 9:48 p.m. on March 28 that I did not in fact charge the haircut.  I used cash money all the way.  So the actual EWR is: $20.
• So apparently I can go all the way back to Thursday, January 30.  After work I went to Lisa's to get my shoes shined.  It had been a long time.  With tip: $15.
• I made a night of it; I planned on doing a nighttime snow-shoeing event at the Walker.  But I wanted to cool my heels somewhere before then.  Luckily there was a microbrewery close by that I wanted to try: Sisyphus.  Nice place, although parking is at a premium.  At least they let you bring in outside food, so that's why I did -- after getting my Doc's shined I went to a place next door to get salad, and I got a First Beer We Ever Named to wash it down with.  I should go to microbreweries more often.  With tip the beer was: $7.
• Wednesday, January 29 -- I still have to work on my health care directive, but my lawyer said to look at this template from the University of Minnesota.  It is very interesting; it prompts you to think about end-of-life issues, the stuff that most people don't want to even think about.  As I blog about this, I should take another look at it.  Anyway, I printed it out at the library on this day.  It's a big printout: $1.40.
• On Sunday the 26th I went back to Lamplighter Lounge for the second time since the demise of BJ's.  Nearly all the strippers who work there migrated here -- and it appears as though all the regular customers there migrated here, too.  I told a couple of the girls that I was dropping in.  One of them, *****y, asked me to buy menthol cigarettes from the smoke shop next door.  I wondered why I couldn't just buy them at a gas station.  *****y replied that a new law kicked in saying that all menthol products -- such as the packs of cigs she and another girl, ****a, wanted me to by for them -- cannot be bought at gas stations anymore.  I did further research; that is a county law, and as far as I know, even though Ramsey County (in which the Lamp resides) bans menthols at gas stations, my county does not.  Anyway, I parked at the Lamp and then walked across the street to Noble Tobacco to get a pack of Newport Menthol Shorts and Newport Menthol 100s.  Cigarettes are expensive.  Total: $19.60.
• Oh, and when I got there, *****y paid me back for her cigs.  ****a didn't, but I'm not upset.  An Infusion of: $10.
• And I got dances at the Lamp.  Since I was last there, lo so many years ago, there are two dances areas, one for $10 per and one for $20.  I took ****a to the $20's for a trio, and we grinded so much that I got real hard.  The $10's are more out in the open, but another BJ's refugee, Giselle, took me to that area for a pair, and I got accosted by someone not from BJ's, Summer, for one dance in the less expensive area.  Wanted a drink, but no bartender asked me if I wanted one.  Pffft.  Total: $90.
• Apparently we hurtle back to Saturday, January 18 ... I wanted to go to Brit's to watch some EPL.  I don't want to rehash this, but I had to give some dude who lives in the assisted living hotels nearby some money to help me get my car out of snow that it wasn't really in, sigh: $2.
• Wanted to go out in the evening.  Perfect time to try the new microbrewery in my hometown, Forgotten Star.  Incredible building with dramatic outdoor lighting.  Inside's nice too, although it could use more customers.  Got a Northstar Cream Ale, pulled up a table, and organized my receipts.  With tip: $7.
• And I took a quarter I found in the old car.  An Infusion of: 25 cents.
• Thursday, January 16 ... there was a party *****a hosted.  I recapped it here.  Total: $250.
• On Monday the 13th I went to another house party.  This one was off the fucking chain, too.  Got one dance from the host, *****e.  But before that I took **y up to her bed -- it was her condo, even though she wasn't hosting the party, go figure -- and her cock-sucking skills were on point!  She knew how to work my pee-pee -- biting my tip, then sucking hard down my shaft.  **y even sucked my balls and fumunda place!  I was standing up and she was kneeling on her bed when she forced me to cum, and it would have been more forceful if there wasn't a knock on the door just before I orgasmed, thus scaring me and cutting off the spray of my jism into her mouth.  But she's so good, I need to see her again!  Total: $180.
• Saturday the 11th: I think I went to work that day.  Treated myself to a big hot mocha from Caribou.  With tip: $7.
• After work I went to Panchero's while the Vikings were losing.  Not the most festive way to know that your team's season is about to end.  But you know what?  Panchero's does something Chipotle doesn't do: They use a scoop to mix the ingredients in the burrito you get before they wrap it up.  That's great, mixing everything!  Why doesn't Chipotle do that??  Total with tip: $15.03.
• Friday, January 10 ... like the next day, I was working different hours in a different department.  Also went to Caribou before going to work, but this time I used my points for a free mocha, which I did not know I had.  I was so overjoyed I overtipped -- hey, I'm getting the drink for free!  I tipped: $2.
• At night I went to ******a's place.  Since BJ's closed, she has done private parties at her place ... but sadly, no hanky-panky stuff, just clean dances (and, as I later learned, chaste massages).  Got three; tipped on top of it by her pleading.  Left spending: $70.
• I was so hungry after seeing ******a that I went to Flameburger to eat a huge dinner.  Hadn't been there in about a year.  Hope it never closes.  Plus tip: $19.

I keep vowing I'd do these more frequently.  But I have to face the fact that I won't.  Good through February 17.

Nightmare

So yesterday/Sunday morning -- I think it was then -- I woke up really early due to a nightmare.  I don't remember the premise, but I was at a public pool.  Do you know they make you douse yourself in water before jumping into the pool?  I remember when my family was visiting family in Los Angeles, and we went to a pool, and a lifeguard ordered me to go to a shower before jumping in.  Well, I think that in this nightmare some dude told me the same thing.

And that's all I remember.

A New Goddamn Sound From The Old Car

Wanted to use the old car a lot Sunday because 1) I wanted to use Seafoam for the nearly-empty tank and 2) I wanted to park it level so I could finally check the air pressure on the tires.

To the former, I bought a funnel to pour the Seafoam through the gas cap, but when I tried it after work it turns out the funnel was not long enough.  Then I checked the tire pressure.  To the latter, the driver's-side rear was so low I had to pump 19 kpa into it.  So my plan on going down to Roseville to get some roast beef was thwarted.

Instead I hiked it back to one of only two gas stations that had free air.  Luckily, the space next to it was free, so I immediately pumped air into that really bad tire.  It's funny that you don't really notice a tire with no air, but once you squeeze it and see that's really, you know, squishy, it's obvious that it does need air.  (There is also a hairline fracture cutting along the side of the tire, and I wonder if having low pressure long enough caused it.  I checked that tire after I got home, and so far, it looks like there is no leak or puncture or anything.)  I had to pump air into the other three tires, but nowhere near 19 kpa, that's for sure.

So I drive out and I hit what seems to be a pothole.  And then I hear, from the back of the car, a loud, sucking sound.  And from then on, I heard it whenever I accelerated from a stop.  It's like there's a hole back there -- that, or, like, the fuel pump is really getting taxed.  I have no fucking idea what it could be.  Maybe Father's mechanic can check it out.

Oh, after the gas station I went home, picked up some food coupons (though I didn't use them at all -- went to Wendy's for Happy Hour instead, and to pick up their white mac 'n' cheese), returned the short funnel at the other gas station, went to AutoZone to buy a long and proper funnel, then went to Arby's, then went home whereby I finally Seafoamed the old car.  (Yeah, I make myself busy.)  Went out to Caffetto and then Pryes at night, and the car runs smooth and quiet.  Well, maybe not quiet with the loud, sucking sound emanating from the back, but still.

Shit, the car is driving OK besides that, and besides that shaking that started up a few weeks ago.  That goddamn noise hasn't stopped, either.

Maintaining, Not Gaining

Fell asleep at 12:30 or thereabouts, but woke up a bit past 6, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  Don't have to go to work until 10, so that left me with a chance to do some chores before taking another crack at unconsciousness.

What did I do?  Well, I cleaned the rest of the dishes and then, despite not knowing whether it's too much or too late, I watered the plants for the first time in 72 hours.  I then polished off last year's "Comics" issue from City Pages.  Oh, and I'm blogging for the day.

And that is going to be the problem as I prepare for the return of my parents in, eek, less than three weeks.  Yes, the dishes need to be cleaned and the plants need to be watered (well, maybe, but work with me here).  But what I really wanted to do, and what I have always wanted to do while my parents are away, is to start focusing on the "long-term" stuff.  And that stuff usually relates to, well, my stuff.  I had hoped I could haul some of my shit out of storage.  If there are old copies of City Pages, I would read them and, hopefully, recycle them.  There are old Entertainment Weeklys, and I want to seal them up for storage.  I have sports programs I want to organize, etc.

In the meantime, I have a lot of things at home.  There are papers on my dresser and desk I really want to go through.  There are, get this, old brochures from past car shows that I tucked into my closet; I have so many of them, in reusable bags, that I should take care of them, too.  Finally, I see some old clothes that I could donate to Goodwill.  If I have the chance to them, I should.

But notice that when it comes to those "long-term" chores, I only went through one six-month-old CP.  The other stuff I did is normal, day-to-day or week-to-week stuff.  That's maintenance.  That's not getting ahead of things.  And I don't know if I'll have the time to do some large structural moves and shovel papers into the recycling bin or store them neatly in my storage unit before my folks come back.  And if I can't do it by now, when will I ever have the time?

I'm getting depressed.  I should take a nap now.

Doin' Time At The Nursing Home

I didn't plan on seeing Grandmother's best friend at the nursing home today.  But last night I finally got around to seeing when the girls' and boys' state high school hockey finals are, and much to my surprise, they are, I am almost certain, earlier than they usually are, which is the "just in case" reason I checked in the first place.  Both finals are two weeks apart but usually in March.  Not so, at least not this year; the girls' finals, both classes, are next Saturday night.

I want to go.  But that means I have to reshuffle some chores.  I thought I would have time nearer the end of the month.  With this earlier date, plus coming in to work on Sundays -- and, to be honest, waking up at 8 in the morning as opposed to, say, 11 -- I carved some time to visit Grandmother's Best Friend.

One compromise I made, however.  I usually stay an hour.  I make a point that, once I sit down on her recliner, I will look at my watch; I get to go once 60 minutes pass from that point.  But I really, really wanted to see the beginning of the 11:30 EPL match (in this case it's Norwich City hosting Liverpool) on NBC because I haven't done that yet this season.  I don't know if I'll have another chance to do that this year, especially after my folks are home.  So, this one time, I permitted myself to leave after less than an hour so I would get home in time to see the beginning (and just the beginning; there are so many other chores I can only do today that I cannot stay and watch the whole match, sadly).

You're supposed to sign in when visiting.  Just out of curiosity, and this is something I did once before, I looked at the duration of previous visits.  For the most part, they are longer than an hour; I saw one where the person visited for three or four hours!  I was trying to look for short visits, ones less than an hour, and there were several -- 40 minutes here, a half-hour there, and the shortest were a pair of seemingly separate visits that lasted only 25 minutes.  From signing in to signing out (and this is different from sitting and listening to Grandmother's Best Friend), I lasted 38 minutes today.

It is difficult to just sit and watch her speak to me in Vietnamese even though I don't understand a word.  But I feel guilty.  That's why I usually stay an hour.  I have a feeling that people who come visit their old loved ones also feel guilty.

---

I am blogging this while watching both EPL and men's college basketball.  I said I could only stay for the beginning of the former, and yet I am still here as the Canaries and Reds are halfway through the First Half.  I should up and leave.

You're Welcome For The Kleenex

OK, so the party last night was awesome.  ****a gave me a blowjob.  She slathered all over my dick, up and down, and even put my balls in her mouth.  I was about to stop cumming when, all of a sudden, my urethra hit paydirt and found a new source of semen, and I was erupting even harder than the initial shoot.  And this was on the second of three songs, and just before I was thinking that I would have to change positions, stand up, and force my dick into ****a's mouth in order to squirt because she only gave me time for three songs.  Anyway. ...

I realized once I got done ejaculating that this party, hosted by *****a, did not have something that she did not furnish in her last party: Either towels, tissues or wetnaps to clean up the cum.  Other parties have this, but in spite of everything else that is great about *****a's parties (and they are great), having those to wipe up messes is very important.  Should let her know that.

Fortunately, I had this travel pack of Kleenex with me.  I didn't bring them just for this sole purpose but because I wanted to blow my nose since I would be walking through the cold.  It just so happens that I emptied out the contents of my clothes onto the dresser, and ****a saw the pack of tissues when she was casting about for something to wipe up my splooge.  It wasn't my idea to use them for that, but hey, whatever gets the job done.

Unfortunately, after I left the party, I couldn't find my travel pack.  She probably just threw it somewhere I couldn't see, and I just left without it.  Oh, well; maybe another stripper found it, and if so, she probably used it to clean up the next guy's jizz.  To that, I say, You're welcome.

Plant Update

I have made the decision -- not necessarily come to the conclusion -- that I have been overwatering Father's plants.  Because of that, I have foregone watering them yesterday, and I might do it again today.

Scares the hell out of me for three reasons.  One, I might be wrong.  Two, Father told me to water them every day, so it doesn't feel right that I'm not following his order.  And three, I know for a fact (at least according to the Internet) that I need to do more to help overwatered plants than just stop watering, but I don't have the energy to do that.

The plants are screwed.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Re-Entry!).  OK, what with so many local teams playing Games or at least making news this week, but no one standing out, I don't really know where to go with the survey this week.  But one thing stands out: Three pro teams made trades this week.  And you know what I realized?  Trades are fun.  They turn every fan into a General Manager.  They can wheel and deal players like they're trading cards, and you always get the feeling that after you move players, the ones you get in return are the ones that will make your team better, instantly and significantly.  Whether that's true or not won't be sussed out until you get through the life of the trade, but that doesn't matter now.  What matters now is how the trade makes you feel.  It's like rearranging the furniture in your living room, or getting a whole new hairstyle.  You are transformed, and you feel it in your bones that it's for the better.

Of the three pro teams that pulled off transactions, I am going to put the Twins on top.  Frankly, between them, the Timberwolves and the Wild, the Twins made the least significant move.  But for one thing, they didn't lose any Games this screening week like the other two.  And but for another, the move they made for Pitcher Kento Maeda comes on the heels of the moves they made for Pitchers Homer Bailey and Rich Hill, a transaction I didn't cover completely in a previous WMNSS.  I will now, and if you do stand back, you can see a plan Derek Falvey and Thad Levine are putting into place.  Is it a surefire winner?  No.  What Twins fans have been clamoring for is a top-of-the-line Starting Pitcher, a shutdown ace who you feel like will guarantee a win every fifth Game.

Obviously the Twins haven't done that.  But the front office is addressing their rotation, a weak spot that helped sink their breakthrough season, by overloading on arms that are distressed in the hopes of seeing a bounce-back off of a value-laden contract.  And, to be generous, there is some sense to that.  Rich Hill, in particular, is another of those Pitchers who has been injured but has been picked up by the Twins.  At his best, he can be that SP who can shut down foes in an offseason.

Moreover, the Twins finally did what many fans were demanding they do when they finally got Maeda: Trade one of their prospects.  It was Brusdar Graterol, their top-rated pitching prospect (whose last name sounds like a steroid, to be honest).  He was envisioned to be a bullpen rocket, but FalVine instead tried to flip him to Boston as part of the huge Mookie Betts/David Price-to-the-Los Angeles Dodgers three-team blockbuster trade.  (The Red Sox balked at Graterol after seeing his medical write-up; after negotiations failed, the three-team deal was off, but the Twins just sent Graterol to the Dodgers instead.  Betts and Price still went to Los Angeles, just as part of a conventional two-team trade.)  What they get in Maeda is a sneaky-good pitcher with some control and heat, but also has a team-friendly contract for a few more seasons.  Maeda isn't a bad guy to add to the rotation, and the Twins got him.

So all in all, there is still a lot of wishing and hoping with the Starting Pitching.  But with so many irons in the fire, Twins brass probably thinks that one or two of them will get hot and dependable for the postseason.  And that's the key: There is an assumption that the Twins will make the postseason.  There will always be some doubt; Cleveland still has some firepower while the White Sox could make the same jump Minnesota made last year.  But with Houston being shamed after their sign-stealing scandal and Boston wanting to shed payroll, it looks as though the Yankees are the class of the American League and then ... ?

We were hoping that Falvey and Lavine could capitalize on what the Twins had last year.  Maybe, just maybe, they thought the squad was a year too early, and 2020 is the time to pounce.  That could be a Pollyanna-ish view, but hey, the Twins didn't lose any Games this week, so I will give these guys the benefit of the doubt this week.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -4).  I hate to temper my enthusiasm for the female U. icers.  They beat the shit out of the Beavers in Bemidji St. last weekend (scores of 4-1 and 6-3), plus Wisconsin got upset at Minnesota State-Mankato.  I thought that meant that the Gophers would rise to the #1 spot.  Instead, it's Cornell.  In fact, the Gophs are only in fourth place.  And what's worst of all?  In the PairWise, they're only third.  I'm kind of shocked, because that means that it isn't just two teams that are contenders in the NCAA Tournament but three -- and four, if you count Northeastern, who is also supposed to be good.  So I don't know what to think now.  All I know is that this club ends their regular season hosting the Mavericks for a pair this weekend.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7).  Maybe I should put these guys in the top spot.  Somehow, someway, trading the albatross that is the Andrew Wiggins max contract should become a state-wide holiday.  But General Manager Gersson Rosas somehow moved him out ... as well as six other players in the days leading up to the Trade Deadline.  As of right now, there are only three Timberwolves who were on this squad at the start of the regular season, and one of them was Jarrett Culver, the team's first-round pick who was selected by Rosas just before he was hired.  Only Karl-Anthony Towns and Josh Okogie have more tenure on the Wolves than Rosas.  That is fucking insane.

And that is manna from heaven to GM wannabes who now will fill -- well, go back to -- Target Center without bags over their heads.  Because it was absolutely imperative that this organization do something to fight the metastasizing apathy that the 13-Game losing streak was torturing the fanbase with.  And so -- somehow -- Rosas finally got the guy we all were alerted to as The Guy He Always Wanted: D'Angelo Russel.  Towns was trying to get his friend to come to Minnesota over the off-season, but he signed a deal with Golden State.  There really was no reason to move him so soon after the signing, but giving up two draft picks (one a first-rounder that is protected for the rich 2021 Draft) was the final piece of the puzzle.

And so Russell gives KAT a jolt because he's a friend and a guy who can give him the ball on the pick-and-roll.  Russell gives Ryan Saunders a jolt because he is the type of Three-Point shooter he and Rosas want this team to predicate on offense.  And Russell gives Timberwolves fans a jolt because, for once in this godawful town, a big guy we wanted to come here finally came here.

Let's not forget the other pieces that have come over.  Malik Beasley is another three maven.  Juan Hernangomez is a prospect Rosas might sign long-term.  And James Johnson (domestic violence rap aside) will be the veteran presence any improving team needs.  But really, it's all about Russell.  And they got him ... while shipping off an enigma with a huge contract.  The freedom from being under that psychological burden alone is worth it, no matter what the record of this team from here on out.

And how are they doing so far?  Well, they sleepwalked through the loss at home to Atlanta, which may have been the nadir for Owner Glenn Taylor and the trigger to pull off all of these trades.  But behind the frisky energy of Beasley's seven Threes, the Timberwolves finally broke their losing streak Saturday and defeated the Los Angeles Clippers (who, let's face it, would kill the Woofie Dogs if this weren't a regular season Game in February) by 27.  They scored the most Points they have ever scored in franchise history, and that instant offense will be a trend.  Shitty defense will be a trend too; after going toe-to-toe with the Raptors in Toronto Monday for a half, they pulled away to an 11-Point victory despite having Marc Gasol and Serge Ibaka out with injuries and despite Russell finally being able to play in a Wolves uni after sufficient rest for his quad.  (That's where trading Robert Covington hurts; he probably was the only good defenseman the club had, so now the Wolves will need to outscore opponents every Game.)  So, a 1-2 screening week.  But hey, Standrew Wiggins is gone!

They host Charlotte.  Okogie then goes to Chicago to participate in All-Star festivities this weekend.
 
#-4: Wild (Last Week: -5).  The third and final installment of Trades Are Fun!!!

While it's fun as a fan, we have to be cognizant that it sucks to be a player, especially one that has been in trade talks for a long, long time.  Such was the case with Jason Zucker, a Wild favorite who, by all accounts, is a stand-up person in the locker room and for The Media.  (His wife works for KFAN, a place I used to work at, so I feel an unearned bond with her that way.)  The writing has been on the wall for him to move on for some time.  That timeline coincides with the countdown of Kirill Kaprizov, the dyanmo who was drafted by the Wild seemingly three decades ago, finally coming over from the Kontinental Hockey League.  His offensive production has remained fantastic, so his spot as a top-six Forward for Minnesota has virtually been etched in stone.  But with such a logjam of Forwards -- Zach Parise, Eric Staal and Mats Zuccarrello have huge contracts and generous no-trade provisions -- Zucker has been the most likely Forward shipped out.

Zucker was supposed to go to Pittsburgh last year in a trade for Phil Kessel, but Kessel thought the Wild were a shitshow, so he said no.  (He got traded to The Bastard Winnipeg Jets instead.)  Finally, with the Wild treading water for far too long, Zucker was traded ... to Pittsburgh, in exchange for Alex Galchenyuk, Defenseman prospect Calen Addison, and a first-rounder in this year's draft.  Everybody feels bad for Zucker, but he's going to a place where he'll probably not be buried on the Fourth Line (he vented about being on the Fourth Line shortly before he was traded) and he'll be fed pucks from Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin.  The Penguins want to win now; Zucker might be the guy who will help them.

But long-term, you cannot help but think the Wild are going to come out ahead.  Forget about Galchenyuk; he was the fourth overall pick in the 2012 Draft which has come to be known as a total bust -- who knew?  And the draft pick, while unprotected, will probably land in the late teens to early twenties.  It's a good and deep draft, though, and we'll see how General Manager Bill Guerin can pick 'em.  No, it's this propsect, Addison, who's the prize.  He was the top Penguins prospect and helped Canada to gold in the World Juniors over New Year's, and while his defense is on the mediocre side, some say he can quarterback a Power Play right now.  That sounds like a stud to me.  Hopefully he pans out.  One other thing: For a team that was capped out like mad, this Zucker trade alone gave them huge salary flexibility for next year -- $20 million, by some estimates.  They still have those massive contracts of Parise and Ryan Suter to lug around, but now, the Wild can finally start a rebuild in earnest.

As for on the ice, they won three-of-four; they beat The Bastard North Stars, but lost at home to The Bastard Quebec Nordiques.  They remain four Points off of the final playoff spot in a mediocre-to-bad Western Conference.  (And by the by, I put the Wild underneath the Timberwolves because, hey, the Timberwolves managed to move the Andrew Wiggins contract!!!)  With the way they're playing, however, if they get a Goalie who has his shit together right now and trade, say, Matt Dumba or Jonas Brodin for him, they might be able to make a run.  Just spitballin'.

Their four-Game homestand ends with contests vs. the Rangers and San Jose.

#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -2).  Follow up a convincing win at Wisconsin Thursday by getting drilled at home by Michigan Monday.  According to Charlie Creme, the Golden Gophers remain The Penultimate Team Out -- still a chance, but dammit, they needed to beat the Wolverines.  And now the club goes on the road for contests versus Ohio St. and Michigan St.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6).  Crushed the Badgers at Williams Wednesday but couldn't keep up with tournament lock Penn St. (?!) Saturday despite a monster performance from Daniel Oturu.  Coincidentally, according to Joey Brackets, they, like their female counterparts, are also The Penultimate Team Out of The Big Dance (if you consider the play-in Games part of the tourney, and if you don't, you're right).  These young men have one tilt this week: Iowa Sunday at The Barn.  Will that change things?

#-7: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Geez, I thought these guys were on the upswing.  I really felt that after beating Michigan St. at 3M Friday, 4-1, that Gopher men's ice hockey was back.  But then they fell to the Spartans Saturday, 4-2, ending their winning streak at five Games.  Worse yet, they are now stuck in 19th in the PairWise.  It's not over, but I may have overestimated the team's margin for error.  They travel to Notre Dame for a two-Game set this weekend.

#-8: Gopher softball (Re-Entry!).  Softball's back, baby!  And the Gophers are back with a ... 3-2 weekend in the NFCA Division 1 Leadoff Classic in Clearwater, Fla., over the weekend.  The defeats were to Missouri and ranked Kentucky, therefore Minnesota, which was ranked 8th in the preseason USA Today poll, dropped to 14th.  Reaching the program's first-ever Women's College World Series will be a tall task to repeat.

The club remains in Clearwater this weekend to participate in a different tournament, the ESPN St. Pete/Clearwater Elite Invitational.  The U. plays four Games, three of which are against ranked colleges: 16th-ranked Oklahoma St., a rematch against Mizzou (which leapt from Not Ranked to 19th), and fifth-ranked Florida St.  The matches against the Cowgirls and the Seminoles are to be played on Friday, the tourney's first day.

#-9: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -3).  Yeah, no surprise -- Penn St. came into Maturi and crushed the Goofers, 31-10.  The U. won only three of the matches, and the Nittany Lions got two Major Decisions, and Technical Fall, and a Fall.  Oh, and the Goofs got so scared that they forfeited the first match, at 125.  Way to compete, guys.

Oh, great.  They're at #1 Iowa Saturday night.  They could get beaten down worse than they did Sunday.

The Four Trailers For Jojo Rabbit

They are, in order:

1. Emma
2. Burden
3. Wendy
4. Downhill

I've wanted to do this for some time -- try to see if I can remember the trailers I saw before a movie, and do so in order.  I finally am doing it right now because 1) frankly I need to blog about something tonight and 2) it's very notable, at least to me, that the four movies for which I saw trailers are not only one-world titles, but two-syllable titles as well.

It's also interesting to me that there were only four trailers for Jojo Rabbit.  Usually there are six or seven.  Maybe it's because it's an art film or maybe because the film has been around a while; I don't remember if this cinema ever had it, or is just bringing it in now because it was nominated for Oscars.

Finally, The Final Piece Of My Training Will Begin

On Wednesday, I will finally be trained in the last department I am supposed to be in, according to the prerequisites of my job.  I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest.  I work alongside the person who does it -- it's a one-person department -- and while he's really nice, and he's been trying to tell me bits and pieces of the job, it still seems like a bear of a task.

Part of my reticence comes from my feeling that it's a bit unwieldy.  I have heard that there is a bunch of ... uh, disparate things you need to do in order to get the job done, so you kind of have to pick and choose and wander around to get it done.  Oh, and whatever "it" is, I don't know it.

What I do know is that it involves a lot of interaction, both on the phone with clients and with a fairly big poobah who I heard once scream at work.  I'm also scared that I will have to deal with unhappy clients screaming at me for just doing my job.  So I will need to go into this with an open mind, but there is the distinct possibility that this is the one thing I cannot and will not do, and thus I would have to ... well, leave.  We'll see.

What, No Coffeeshops Open On A Sunday Night?

I don't feel like watching the Oscars because ... well, no good reason, I just don't.  Although I do need to run out and get foot spray at Target, even though I went out there this afternoon.  Damn, I forgot.

What I want to do instead is go out and blog at a coffeeshop.  It would usually be Caffetto, but with the storm we got this morning (more than four inches where I live, but the sun was out and glowing shortly after it was over early in the afternoon), the city of Minneapolis declared a snow emergency.  I usually park on the street that will be plowed starting at 9 tonight.  So Caffetto's out.

I then checked to see other places that would be open tonight.  It doesn't have to be all night; I actually want to come back in time to see who wins Best Picture, so, oh, closing at 10 will be fine.  So I check Google Maps and ... there are no coffeehouses that are open until 10 tonight!  But I'l be honest with you; I was looking at coffeehouses that were open until 10 on Friday, and ... well, there was a couple, but not enough options, in my humble opinion.  No, people usually don't get coffee at night.  That's why the majority of them close at, ah, 8 or so.  Fewer still are open past 8 on Sundays, apparently, and then the one I really want to go to has street parking, and so my car will be towed tonight because of the snow emergency.

I'm weird about coffee.  I'm weird about doing shit by myself.  I know that.  But dammit, I need a place to be weird, too, where I can be a solo tool and do solo tool things, especially pat 8 on a Sunday night.  And they are in short supply, ffs.

My need to go out supersedes my need to fuck around on the Internet.  So I'm not going to a coffeehouse.  I'm going to a craft brewery and ... dammit!  There aren't a whole lot open past 8 on a Sunday either!  Well, there is one, and I'll go to it.  I think they have free parking, and if they don't, shoot, this whole exercise has been a failure.  Wish me luck. 

Where Going Through E-Mails Becomes A Chore In And Of Itself

I get busy just lying in my bed strolling through the Internet doing stuff and I don't tend to my e-mails.  I check on how many new ones populate my inbox, though, and it's always growing like Eurasian Watermilfoil.  It used to stress me out; not anymore.  I've let it go for a few days and it'd reach a hundred.  Recently I've left it alone for a workweek and it'd get up to 200.

But it is politics season and I'm (sort-of) woke, so most of the messages are now appeals from campaigns to donate money.  (Used to be that the majority of these e-mails were from job sites and The Guardian.  The latter its newsletters I've de-subscribed from ever since they've demanded I create an account; the former may have gone down since I also de-subscribed from them too, but the wave of political e-mails may distort that perception.)  And so I've left pruning my e-mail alone until, well, now, when I have time to putz around the house and do other chores beyond checking my mail.

Again, I've checked the number every day, and as of right now, I am up to 385 (whoops -- 386, just got a new one) unread e-mails in my inbox.  What I haven't completely realized is that I haven't gone through my inbox since January 29, just about 11 days.  Whoa.  That's a record.

Should get on that.  But it's a pain-in-the-ass, plus I have other shit I need to do.  And hey, at least it's not as big as my Hotmail, which is up to 40,000 e-mails and counting.

Crooked Hair, Crooked Hair

So I went to get my hair cut.  Turns out it's only been a month; I usually wait six-to-eight weeks.  Also, I wanted to get it cut before *****a came over to give me a handjob, but she said she could cum sooner, so I waited until after we fucked around to get it cut.  (All this information was not necessary; I'm just being a chatty Cathy.)

So I went to a Great Clips -- not my usual one, but one that was open till 9 and not 8 like the one I usually go to or most other haircutting places.  Maybe because it was so late in the evening, or maybe because it usually does not get customers like more high-trafficked places, there were no other customers until I walked in.  (I was at my usual Great Clips when *****a texted me she was free; there were two people who reserved spots, one of whom I was behind.)  And the woman who cut my hair was really, really nice.  A little bit of a flibbertigibbet, who only used the electric trimmer with one hand while the other one was dangling and not using a comb or anything, but she was really nice, and very accommodating when I decided I wanted the top cut shorter.

One problem: The more she went through my hair, and she spent a half-hour on it (longer than any haircut I can remember), the more nervous she became.  She said she had been working on men's hair for the past couple weeks, but she said men's hair was more complicated to her.  Then, she looked at my bangs and asked a question I didn't quite understand: "Do hair stylists usually line up the front for you?"  I didn't quite know what she meant, but I said yes because, well, why wouldn't I want the front of my hair lined up.

So she was finally finished and she stepped back to let me take a look.  And I noticed something: The brow of my new hairline is not even.  If you look from my left side to my right, it appears as though my hairline, as you travel across my forehead, recedes/goes up my forehead, then takes a corner turn sharper than the one on my left side, before going down to my right forehead.  I think I notice it now that I look in the mirror, but when I was on the chair, that asymmetrical outline was very noticeable, and I usually don't care how my hair looks.

How in the hell do I wind up with crooked hair?  These stylists went to the school so they don't do that, and they have to get certified by the state, too.  This shit isn't supposed to happen, right?  But it's on my head now, and when I go to work or out in public, and I ask someone a question, I just fucking know their eyes will dart up and notice the non-parallel line forming the boundary of my forehead and they'll think to themselves, "Dude, this dude has crooked hair!"  And they'll bully me.  Because some haircutter can't "line up" my bangs or some shit.  Fuck me. 

My Ass Is Too Lazy

You know, if I want to lose weight, and I eat McDonald's at a suburban craft brewery pretty late in the evening, I should not go home and eat some more.

But I did.  Those Dot's Pretzels.  The seasoning on those pretzels, have you heard?  They're made out of crack.

Washed it down with Cherry Coke, I did.  And now I feel fat.

Oh, and I haven't gone through my papers like I wanted to, either.

My ass is too lazy.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Don't look now, but of all teams in the area, the Golden Gopher men's hockey one may be the one that's playing the best right now.  With a road sweep of Wisconsin (by scores of 6-2 and 4-2) they have now won their last four Games.  Moreover, they now have risen to 18th in the PairWise -- still out of consideration, but now they are on the bubble instead of in the fringes.  Suffice it to say, these guys get to the top spot this week because they are getting hot at the right time.  And they can continue their hot streak with a home duo versus Michigan St. this weekend.

#-2: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6).  Victories this screening week over Nebraska and Rutgers (the latter being a two-Overtime affair after the U. squandered a lead in the Fourth Quarter) have stanched the bleeding; as of press time, Charlie Creme now has the Gophers has the fourth-last team out.  However, both wins came at home, and on Thursday they trek out to Madison to face a Wisconsin club that beat them at home Jan. 22.  The Gophs then return to Williams Arena and host Michigan Monday.

#-3: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -5).  Well, at least the grapplers routed the Indiana schools on the road this weekend -- 27-12 over Purdue, 38-9 over Indiana.  Don't know if this means they're any closer to a championship, though.  Plus they host dreaded Penn St. Sunday afternoon.

#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -4).  Whoa -- these young women are starting to slip.  They followed up a 5-0 home win over Minnesota-Duluth on Friday, but on Saturday they were blanked 2-0 with the help of a 35-Save performance but Bulldog Goaltender Maddie Rooney.  Yes, that Maddie Rooney -- the one who helped Team USA win gold in the last Winter Olympics.  That was so far long ago that I thought she graduated already.  Rooney's a grizzled veteran by now.

Minnesota has now lost three of their last four Games, and thus they have slipped to fourth in the PairWise.  Remember that there are only eight Teams in the NCAA Tournament for women's hockey, so being fourth in the PairWise essentially is the last spot on the right side of the bubble.  They travel to Bemidji St. for two this weekend.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -2).  These guys had the All-Star Week and then the bye, so they had more than a week off, and in the first Game back on Saturday ... they lay a fucking 6-1 turd to Boston at home.  Jesus fucking Christ.

Maybe because of that, Golden Gopher (and One Of Us) Nick Seeler, a Defenseman who was shuffled out of the Mild lineup too often but is too good for AAA Iowa, was put on waivers and summarily picked up by the Chicago Blackhawks.  That'll be the first of what is, presumably, many trades for a team that is going nowhere but doesn't have the pieces of the cap room to substantively reshape the squad for the better.  You could deal off Matt Dumba, Jason Zucker, or Greg Pateryn, and you still have an aging core that cannot be moved.  This is it.  Falling short of the playoffs is how it's going to be in the intermediate term.

At least they got their shit together and beat the 'Hawks last/Tuesday night, 3-2.  Then again, that Game was also at home, and they blew a 2-0 before Dumba won it on Overtime.  They're still slated to finish last in the division.

This week: A back-to-back where they host Vancouver and then go down to Big D to face The Bastard North Stars.  They then come back home for a four-Game, week-long homestand; the Mild face Colorado Sunday and Las Vegas Tuesday.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3).  The bad news is is that they lost at Illinois on Thursday, 59-51.  The good news is that Joe Lunardi has the Goofs as the second team out/Team 70, so they're not that far away.  They sure could use some wins, but this week is going to give them a pair of toughies.  Tonight they host Wisconsin; Saturday afternoon they're on the road vs. a resurgent Penn St. squad.

#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -Infinity).  Losses at the Clippers and Sacramento extend their losing streak to a dozen Games.  Because of that (maybe), General Manager Gersson Rosas engineered on of the biggest trades I have ever seen: A four-Team, twelve-player behemoth with Houston, Atlanta and Denver.

The Woofie Dogs dealt away Robert Covington (possibly the player on the team playing best this season but was always one foot out the door because of his 3-and-D style and friendly contract; he went to the Rockets); Keita Bates-Diop (a second-year guy who has impressed with his growth; he's now with the Nuggets); and Shabazz Napier and Noah Vonleh, two end-of-the-bench guys who had no chance of sticking around for any turnaround this franchise might make.  In return, they got Evan Turner, Malik Beasley, Juan Hernangomez and Jarred Vanderbilt.  Of those, Turner and Vanderbilt might be in Minnesota just for their contracts; you know how it goes in the NBA.  Was the move made in light of the squad's struggles?  Maybe.  But one has to put faith that Rosas is setting this organization up for the future.  Rosas did not pry D'Angelo Russell from Golden State, which is who he really covets, but he didn't give up a first-round draft pick, either.

They host Atlanta tonight.  They then host the Clippers Saturday, then go on the road versus Toronto Monday.  If they don't beat the Hawks, it might be a long time before these guys win a Game.

RIP, You Plant

Went over to the florist just now to get a diagnosis on the plant that appears to be dying.  And, yep, they said it's dead.  Overwatering, they say.  Sure ... whatever.

Look, they'd be easier to take care of if they could fucking tell me what they need, water or no water.  But these fucking plants are giving me the goddamn silent treatment.

And now I'll have to tell My Fucking Father about this.  Oh, being yelled at by him is going to be a fucking treat.

I swear watering plants is the hardest chore there is.

Fuck all this.

Hottest Babe In The 2020 Hooters Calendar: January

I am surprised, even downright shocked, that the month of January is a dud.  I'm not saying that all ten of the girls in the month are ugly; far from it.  But I noticed that nearly all of them were not smiling.  They looked dour, or were trying to look sultry or something.  But seeing so many non-smiling pusses kind of bummed me out.  I'm not saying, "You'll look prettier if you smile more," ... no, I am.

There are some standouts.  The main girl, Somer of Clearwater, Fla., has that crease in her front that denotes fitness.  Rowan from Sarasota, Fla., has one, too, and she seems to have better abs.  And Casey of Lake Buena Vista, Fla., has a photo that's too small, but her breasts are huge!

(A babe who stands out but not in a good way: Last year's covergirl, Laiken Baumgartner, from Douglasville, Ga.  Her face looks extremely different than the photos of last year's calendar.  In fact, it so pasty and puffy, and her eyes are so much tinier than I remember them, that she is unrecognizable.  Honestly, I don't know what the hell happened to that shot.)

But after some debate, I think there's a clear winner, and one that jumped out at me from the get-go: Miami's Vanessa.  It's about time I picked a non-white chick.  She's got a cute floral two-piece; the bandeau top has large strands that seem to touch the ground.  But the best thing about Vanessa?  She's the only one of the ten who's smiling!  Smiling makes all the difference!

But naturally I'll whack off to all of them before turning the page.

My Super-Specific Predictions For Super Bowl LIV

Let me say first that I don't have too much of a dog in this fight on an emotional level.  Let me say second that I might be contradicting what I just said first by saying that I hate the 49ers just a little bit, but that's because they beat the shit out of my Vikings.  But that is the only reason I "hate" them.

I like the Chiefs a lot.  Well, maybe not Tyreek Hill.  I want the Chiefs to win.  However, after Kansas City beat Tennessee in the AFC Championship Game, a Native American journalist reminded everyone through a series of tweets (which is the source of this Business Insider article) that the name "Chiefs" came from a white man who, basically, wanted to play dress-up.  I cannot be as offended as I am about this compared to the much worse Washington "Redskins."  But frankly, maybe I should re-educate myself in to thinking this is not OK.  And, also, this was a stolen team; the Dallas Texans were taken from Dallas after three seasons in the American Football League.  These guys really are The Bastard Dallas Texans, even if no one in Dallas wanted them.  And I have a principle of rooting against stolen teams.

So, I'm torn.  Maybe that thus helps me to just watch the Game without worrying about who wins.

OK, onto the super-specific predictions:

1) I think SBLIV will start slowly.  That'll be a combination of both offenses trying to feel the opposing defenses out and, according to advanced metrics, both clubs not being very good in the Red Zone.  Therefore, I will predict that neither team will score a Touchdown ... in the First Half.

2) However, as the Game goes on, the decisive strength-on-weakness will rear its head.  What is that?  San Francisco's running game vs. Kansas City's run defense, especially up the middle.  The 49ers will have success running the ball from the start, thereby depriving Patrick Mahomes II the ball.  As they say, the best way to defeat a star Quarterback is to ensure he's on the sideline.  And in the Second Half, as the Chiefs begin to get demoralized, expect to see gaping holes for explosive runs.  In total, I think the Niners will run for almost 300 Yards and get one Touchdown.

3) Key to that running game is the ability for both star Tight End George Kittle and Fullback Kyle Juszczyk to block.  And they will block plenty, and successfully.  Neither Niner will rack up the Yards -- neither will get a TD -- but their blocking alone will be a huge factor in ... uh, I might as well let the cat out of the bag ... the 49ers winning Super Bowl LIV.

4) With the running game humming in overdrive, Jimmy Garoppolo will, once again, just need to show up and not fuck up.  He'll be able to manipulate a desperate Chiefs passing defense with quick throws and RPOs, especially in the Second Half.  But it won't amount to much -- just enough.  He'll throw for, like 200 Yards and a long TD when Kansas City is gambling on the run to, oh, Deebo Samuel.

5) Thus, as such, the Time Of Possession battle will be lopsided.  The Niners will have between 40 and 45 Minutes of possession.

6) I am convinced San Fran will win because they will win the trenches on both sides of the ball.  Apparently, 49ers General Manager John Lynch said that he loaded up on a loaded front seven so he didn't have to invest on a world-class Secondary.  And he'll be right.  The front four alone should keep Mahomes nervous all game.  Put the Niners down for four Sacks on Mahomes.

7) The only situation where K.C. has a sizable advantage on San Fran is when Mahomes throws deep.  The 49er Secondary can be, uh, "getable."  But, for one, Mahomes largely won't get the time, and for two, SB Referee Bill Vinovich has a crew that swallows its whistles.  Now, this is an All-Star officiating crew, which means that Vinovich won't have the guys he has had all regular season.  But I'm going to say that the 49ers Cornerbacks and Safeties will be handsy and grabby with the track stars of the Chiefs receiving corps, and the zebras will let them get away with it.  So, maybe one Pass Interference call on the San Fran D.

8) With all that being said, the score will not reflect how in control the 49ers will be all Game.  Mahomes will do plenty of scrambling but hit his receivers for many, many First Downs.  Put Mahomes down for almost 300 Yards passing and one Touchdown.

9) Late in the Fourth Quarter, believe it or not, the score will be tied.  The dam fill finally break in the back half of the Fourth as the 49ers just run the ball down the tired Chiefs' throats.  San Fran will score the go-ahead touchdown with Raheem Mostert, who will rack up almost 200 Yards and be the Super Bowl Most Valuable Player.

10) And in a desperate attempt to tie the Game, Mahomes will throw an Interception to Richard Sherman, who will take it all the way back to the house to complete scoring in the contest.

Final Score Prediction: San Francisco 27, Kansas City 13.  So if you're in Las Vegas, go Moneyline on the 49ers and bet your house.  Book it!