The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: United FC (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  This week, just like last week, is a tough one.  This week, though, is tough for the diametrically opposite reason as last week: Everybody kind of had a shitty screening week.  So, what do I look for?  Well, there are mitigating circumstances, as I'll explain with the Loons.  But mostly it's about where these disasters leave the club.  How are the squad's playoff chances after the week?  Are they playing well?  Are their competitors playing well?  I could look at record and rank strictly from that, but ... well, I sort of am, and I am sort of not.  It's complicated.

With all those factors, I'm putting MNUFC on top for another week, although at -1.  That's because their streak of not losing in Matches that actually count ended at 11 with a 5-3 loss at Dallas Saturday night.  It really, really sucks to see a team I'm economically (and thus emotionally) invested in go down the tubes after such a great run.  But then I have to remember these mitigating circumstances:

1. They were bound to lose at some point.  Losing on the road to a team fighting for a playoff spot isn't an unheard-of situation.
2. The team was heavily rotated.  I didn't listen to the match, but it was well close to being over when I headed over to ESPN.com and looked at the lineup, and it was vastly different from their last game.  There was a lot of turnover, and there were many guys starting who not usually don't start but usually don't come off the bench.  I mean, Brent Kallman?  Collin Martin?  Carter Manley?  I've seen Rasmus Schuller and Lawrence Olum play several Games this season, but I don't remember the last time they started.  And frankly, I can both affirm the positive (the B-Squad XI took the lead and came back to tie twice before coughing up the Game-winning and insurance Goals late) and touch on the negative (there might be many reasons why these guys usually stay on the bench) after the defeat.
3. The rotation is probably the result of keeping the best players fresh.  They played on Wednesday at Allianz versus the Portland Timbers in the United States Open Cup Semifinal.  And in a tight Match that featured a Timbers tally that should not have counted (for offsides; Head Coach Adrian Heat reportedly confronted the officials in the tunnel at Halftime), Mason Toye came up with the Game-winner to beat Portland 2-1 and advance to the USOC Final in Atlanta Tuesday the 27th.  I am warming up to the idea that a sports league could have more than one thing to go for.  Thus, I am beginning to consider this U.S. Open Cup to be "a thing," and when the 27th comes around, I guess I'll go to the Brew Hall at the stadium to watch.  If advancing to the USOC Final is important enough to the team, it makes sense to prioritize Wednesday's Match over Saturday's.

Meanwhile, they find themselves in third place in the Western Conference -- slipped a spot, but still, not too shabby.  However, they have another two-Match week coming up, vs. Colorado Wednesday and Orlando Saturday.  Fortunately, both of them will be at home.  Unfortunately, Toye will not be available for the tilt against the Rapids because he drew a Red Card for spitting in the loss to The Team Formerly Known As The Burn.

#-2: Lynx (Last Week: -1).  When I said above that it's complicated, I mean that here.  I am still very torn over putting the Jynx over the Twinks because, overall, the Jynx are nowhere near contending for a fifth WNBA title in as many odd years while at least the Twinks are still (at least ostensibly) in the thick of a pennant race.  I was almost sure that I was going to pen this club in last place.

But then I look at what they did last week.  They were able to crush the Dream in Atlanta (by far the worst team in the WNBA) Tuesday by 16, then came home and absolutely beat the shit out of a good Connecticut team by 32 on Friday.  And yet I had Sunday's result, where the Jynx went to Washington and the Mystics showed they should be considered a favorite for the WNBA title by routing Minnesota by 23, in my brain.

This usually puts a team of Minnesota's current predicament -- where it's really Sylvia Fowles, Napheesa Collier trying to work things out, and everybody else -- into a tailspin.  And they sort-of are, at 12-12.  But they actually improved to seventh in the league.  That's not much, and they have another Tuesday-Friday-Sunday screening week ahead of them (respectively: At New York, home to the Mystics, in Seattle), so shit can go sideways again.  But expectations were dampened after last year, and they didn't quite get fans' hopes up during the season this year (at least not yet), so there is no huge or outrageous comedown.  That's opposed to the team below:

#-3: Twins (Last Week: 0).  This fucking tears it.  As of press time, for the first time since April 20th, on the heels of their 6-5 victory over Boston last/Monday night courtesy of a tie-breaking, Game-ending solo shot by Carlos Santana, the Minnesota Twinks do not lead the American League Central Division.  Their collapse is complete (too soon to say that?) thanks to a 1-5 screening week featuring a series loss to Atlanta (the Twinks lost Tuesday and Wednesday despite driving in seven Runs in both defeats) and dropping three-of-four to Cleveland.  They lost four in a row for the first time all season.  Oh, and did I mention that they were at Target Field for the week?

Sunday afternoon might be the turning point of the season.  Down 3-1, the Twinks somehow battled back in the bottom of the Ninth Inning to tie it.  They could have won it, but a relay throw beat Pinch-Runner Ehire Adrianza to prevent the Game-winning Run to score.  That sent the Game to the Tenth, where the otherwise-indefatigable Taylor Rogers gave up a Grand Slam to ... Carlos Santana.

It's better to win than to lose.  But it's much better to be peaking late in the season than early.  Cleveland is peaking now.  The Twinks seemed to have peaked early.  And now they are huffing and puffing to a finish as they get continually lapped by other squads.  And now these assholes don't even have the fucking division.

I have heard a lot about how the end of the schedule favors Minnesota over Cleveland.  And yet, it seems as though that they face a team they should beat on paper when they are in much better form.  This week, for example, Cleveland hosts Boston.  The Red Sox are defending World Champions, but they are nowhere near that level now and they are basically playing out the string this year.  Then, Cleveland goes to the Yankees, who are in the lead but have lost basically everyone to the Injured List.  Meanwhile, the Twinks finish up their annual interleague rivalry games with two at Milwaukee, a team that is scuffling right now but are still in the playoff hunt.  Then they travel to Texas to take on the Rangers, who have been playing well right now, before coming home and staring a three-Game set versus the White Sox Monday.  Are the White Sox any good?  Who knows?  At any rate, this strength-of-schedule bit might be a bunch of malarkey.  And it's not as if the Twinks are in a position to dominate anyone, at least not right now.

What, No One Buys Flowers Anymore?!

So I'm driving up to my storage unit to drop off some stuff when I see, off to the right of me, the flower shop I now go to to get flowers whenever I want to see my dead prom date.  This flower shop replaced the one that was closer to me and closed, oh, two years ago.

Well, fuck me, but that other flower shop's sign said, "Thank you for 16 years.  Closed."  WHAT?!

Just like that, another flower shop is kaput.  Is the demand for flowers just disappearing?  Is automation taking florist jobs just as quickly as warehouse ones?

And more importantly: Where the hell am I going to get flowers now?  I owe my friend one more visit this year.  Do I just show up to her grave without flowers?

Expenses Without Receipt

Starting from Sunday, August 11:

• Well, I charged everything on August 11, so we'll go back to Saturday the 10th, where, while at work, I get a surprise text from ******e, who stood me up when I thought we were gonna get down about two months ago.  I did not know when the coincidence of both her texting me for some action and my parents being out of the house would ever come again, so I suggested instead of going to a place she had (and bargaining her down in the process), she should just come over again, to which she agreed.  Even though I came the night before from *****a, I was able, after a while, to ejaculate to ******e's hand.  She was gone as soon as she stepped through my front door.  No goodbye kiss?  Hrmph.  Paid her: $120.
• Went to Glam Doll in the evening after I started The Big Clean-Up.  I was ready to settle down a bit past 9:30 when, around 10:30, they closed.  I thought they had more than enough donuts.  Well, guess these guys are wavering on closing time again.  At least they gave me a free donut.  Sadly, I forgot the exact amount, so I am basing this on a previous night where I got a donut and a pour-over.  With tips, I am going to say I spent: $10.37. (ETA at 8:28 p.m. on September 12 that I apparently wrote the exact amount down on my FQ: $12.63.)
• Because I had plenty of night ahead of me, I went around the corner to Tilt.  For a pinball bar, they have plenty of good food.  In fact, that's what I initially planned to do down there -- eat at the bar and leave.  (I have a receipt for my tacos and beer.)  But on this night the place wasn't so crowded, so I decided to play some pinball.  And I reminded myself why I'm so terrible at it.  Just spent: $1.
• On Friday the 9th, after work, *****a came over for the first time ever.  Tip, incels: If you open up your heart (and your wallet), you can get as much arousal from diddling the girl into arousal as you think you would getting sex from her.  Do I like the price, however?  No: $150.
• Went to Milkjam afterward because it was my last Friday free of my folks.  (Plus I needed to loosen my muscles after mowing the lawn.)  No crowding of the door nor lining up inside when you're not supposed to.  In fact, it looked like the party ahead of me was waiting to go inside a little too long.  With tip (after my first and second choices for ice cream were denied because they sold out): $5.
• I was then going to Up-Down to splurge on a pizza.  But then I remembered that there is a place right in front of it called Caffery's Deli where I always wanted to go.  Now was that time!  Just got a cheesesteak, and as an indication of what the joint was like, the cashier had to shake loose change in the tip (industrial-sized mayonnaise) jar for my change.  The sandwich was nice.  Total with tip (I gave the change back and then some): $9.50.
• I still went to Up-Down though, to play.  This place was packed, and yet I remember a downtown place called Rusty Quarters, and a small arcade in the western suburbs, and even the old Picadilly Circus in The Mall Closest To Me ... and all of them went out of business.  How has this place managed to not just survive but thrive?  Maybe it was waiting for the marketplace to mature; maybe these guys opened up just as Generation X finally had disposable income and wanted a place to relive their youth.  Who knows?  Turned a dollar into tokens, then saw that, for some reason, many of the games I wanted to play were already loaded up with credits.  Wish I had known that before I spent that: $1.
• Thursday, August 8: Busy day.  Brought the old car in for service (long story short: The air conditioning is so old that they would have to upgrade it before looking into what's wrong, so the final cost probably would be in the thousands; I declined; and I don't think I even got charged for a diagnostic fee).  Wanted to drop by a stripper party, but decided instead to just go straight to the Cat Video Festival out in St. Paul.  It's weird to eat food, let alone a pork sandwich, at a Cat Video Festival, but maybe that's just me.  I forget the total amount I spent there, which includes a beer and tip.  Maybe this is a sign I should blog post these EWRs even more frequently.  I am guessing that the total is: $24.50.
• To Wednesday the 7th -- maybe I spent cash on this day?  Who knows?  (Gah!  I am so bad at remembering EWRs this time around!)  The U.S. Open Cup Semifinal between the Loons and the Timbers was at this night.  I think I spent cash on a big, girthy and very good lingua (?) sausage hot dog and a Loon Juice.  I'm guessing -- guessing -- that the amount was: $21.50.

I finally do an EWR that covers less than a week and I'm sketchy about the amounts of three line items.  Fuck me.  Anyway, I'm good through August 11.

Stripper Cleaners, Can You Hear Me?

I thought I had one stripper, ***e*, lined up to clean the house before my folks came home, but apparently she has ghosted me.  ****m*, who was one of the babes who came over to the house to wank my dick, said when she was here that she cleans houses, and I told her that I'll let her know if I need her.  Well, since ***e* isn't answering her Messenger, I texted her yesterday to see if she can come over and do it.

Well, fuck me, but she hasn't answered my text.  I texted her again this morning, and still I haven't heard from her.  Shit, man, I might have to go to Plan C.  Yet another stripper who came over to the house to wank my dick, *****a, said she would be willing to clean my house -- at an exorbitant price, but she would.  I told her to hold off on that.  I also asked if I could ask her on short notice, and she said she has no work for the next week-and-a-half.

That's my fall-fallback option.  I'll give ****m* a couple more hours.  If I don't hear from her, I'll text *****a to see if she can do it tomorrow.  And I hope to Buddha she'll answer.  Ah!  This is so stressful!  And ah!!  Strippers are so flighty!!

I Now Live In A Whorehouse, Finally!

With ******e coming over and giving me a handjob last evening, I have achieved an incredible milestone.  I have had chicks come over for some somethin'-somethin' before (******e has been over a couple times already).  But I have had three strippers cum over for some sexual activity -- in my house ... in my parents' house ... over the past eight days.  Three in eight.  I didn't think I would have the money, let alone the, um, "energy," let alone the means, to pull this off.  But I just did.

I wonder if the neighbors have noticed all the strange cars and hot women that have been shuttling in and out of the house the past week.  If so, I wonder if one of them will blab to my parents once they get home.  Eh, no matter.  What's done has been done -- and it was awesome!

But the thing is is that she is extremely friendly to other co-workers, but she is just really cold and impersonal to me.  Is what I have said in the past (whatever that was) so bad that she just thinks I'm a bad person?  Because some of the things she has said to me are, frankly, downright rude, and I don't think I deserve it.

Hey, to be clear, she is totally professional.  Well, I should be clearer than that: If I have a question, she'll answer it, and that is the absolute minimum I feel I am entitled to at work.  If I don't have that, then there's a problem.  But beyond that ... there's nothing beyond that.  And while it's not necessary for anything beyond that, dammit, it makes for a difficult work atmosphere.  And, frankly, that's her doing, not mine.  This is one of the drawbacks to being totally by-the-book at work; I can never relax around her.

And yet it's inevitable I'll ask her questions today.  Wish me luck.

Hottest Babe In The Hooters Calendar: July

I think that this is the sexiest month I have ever seen in the Hooters calendar, this or last.  Not really a dud among the dozen.  If anything, the "worst" would be the main chick, Emily of Clearwater, Fla., and that's because she's wearing a one-piece and for some damned reason she's been forced to hold what looks like a blue tow rope.  But she's sexy, she's a redhead, and she's got cleavage for days.

So do Ashley out of Costa Mesa, Calif., and Averey of Mesa, Ariz., so at least they have something going for them.  She's not showing much ass, but Baylee (Destin, Fla.) has it turned around, and it looks nice.  Alexis of Ft. Myers, Fla. has a nice smile and is wearing a cute, red-white-and-blue-striped (this is the month of Independence Day, after all) two-piece.  Causey of Baltimore is wearing a, shall we say, more on-the-nose patriotic two-piece bikini, and she's saluting.  I'm saluting too -- with my hard dick!!!

(An aside: One of the babes here hails from my hometown Mall Of America, Emma.  She is also wearing a 4th of July-themed bikini, and she also is sexily putting her hands on her hips.  If you've ever seen her waitress at Hooters, she's hot as advertised.  But I have not seen her there in months; is she still there, or is she gone?  Oh, and to be honest, she also was a bad waitress.  She once forgot to put in my order.  I think Emma was coasting on her looks, as hot as though they may be.)

And speaking of hands on hips, those are the best features of Albuquerque's Alana and Savannah, Ga.'s Taylor, although the latter has piercing brown eyes!  I'll give third place to Shelby out of Hollywood, Calif., for her light-blue two-piece and her deep cleavage and her hot abs.  Second place goes to Jessica, hailing from Pembroke Pines, Fla.; she's sportin' a red two-piece bikini and a delicious smile.  But first place is an upset -- it goes to one of the three babes with the smallest-sized photo for the month, Aleisha out of Knoxville, Tenn.  She's wearin' a deep red two-piece, and the straps of the tops fall of the shoulders -- nice!  Moreover, she's got a fantastic smile that somehow shows a hardened maturity to her.  It wouldn't shock me to learn that she's married and has three kids.  And although she's turned a quarter-turn away from the camera, you can still see Aleisha's hard body.

So congratulations, Aleisha!  And now I will masturbate to all of you, even though I have a stripper coming over to the house to give me a handjob!!  I can cum consecutive days!!!

He's Coming After Me

So the guy who's stalking me on Facebook, well, he left a message for me after I changed my profile picture.  Blocked him months before already, so how did he leave me a message?  I assume that he did so before he blocked me.  How long before I don't know, because as soon as I saw his name, I deleted the message.  Probably the wrong thing to do, but frankly, I'm scared.

What can I do, man, what can I do?

Thought Morsels

Went out to the United Match and My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version), and yet once again, I couldn't help but stop by Taco Bell on my way home.  My gut is feeling it right now.  Why couldn't I just go home?

But like Tuesday night (I think?), my body told me to go to bed early.  Last night I conked around 11:30, and once again, I feel good.

---

Wish I had time to start cleaning up the house.  But I need to bring the old car in, then go to the Cat Festival.  And if I do neither thing, I've been invited to a house party I really, really want to go to.  I've been going out a lot this week (think I said this before), and I don't know when that stops.

Gotta go.

Restful Night ... So I Can Do Nothing

I think my body was telling me yesterday to go to bed early, and indeed I did ... around 11:30, in fact.  Seven good hours of sleep, and I feel much better.

By the by, I forgot to get coffee yesterday at work.  I was so determined not to mess up at work that I blew through my morning break.  It felt kind of nice not needing coffee, and it felt as though I didn't need it until I ran out of energy at night.

So now I feel refreshed -- which helps since there's a week left until my parents come home and I haven't done diddly squat about cleaning up the house or organizing my things.  But frankly, the place will still be a nice, and for the time being.  I have a United Match to go to tonight, then I need to bring the old car in and go to the Internet Cat Video Festival in St. Paul tomorrow.  Then, on Friday, someone's coming over for some vicious hand lovin'.  Hopefully I'll have enough energy to do all that!