Yeah, Let's Cram More Food Into The Refrigerator

I find this so frustrating.  I'm going to the fridge to get a snack.  In lieu of pop or beer (I'm so jonesing for alcohol right now), I've decided I'll have milk-and-cookies before going to bed.  So I open the refrigerator door and what do I see?  Several cups of Mother-made yogurt.  I had one last night, and I left one cup.  She made more yesterday, apparently.

As probably with all parents, the fridge is packed.  I mean, stuffed with food, most of which will spoil in three weeks when it'll take three months to eat it all ... and most of it I won't ever eat.  I had it in the back of my mind that once I and Father got done with the yogurt, Mother would cool it a bit with making more.  But fucking Christ, there's more, and now I'm now expected to eat it -- along with the pastries and the soup and the bananas they keep fucking buying, even though I'm not hungry and, with the exercise room closed until further notice, I won't be hungry for a long, long time.

This is too much.  What's in the fridge right now is too much.  It's a waste of food that none of us are ever going to eat.  And she thinks it's OK to make more?!  How bored is she?  And can't she find something else to do with her time and money?

Got A Stash Of Gloves ...

... from Mother because my parents, I guess, had some left over from The Store.  Will I use it?  I don't know.  There's the stigma that health care workers don't have any, so why should I bring a bunch from home and use it?  Also, once it runs out, I'll be sad, and I don't want it to ever run out, so maybe it's best not to use them in the first place.

Addendum To: I'll Have The Prettiest Mask At Work!

I'll be goddamned.  Just a few days after Mother gave me a mask that I swore I would never use, and in the face of story after story telling me the public should not be wearing facemasks, I see headlines in both the New York Times and the Washington Post saying that, you know, on second thought, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if everybody did start wearing masks.  GODDAMMIT, CAN SOMEBODY JUST BE FUCKING CONSISTENT ABOUT WHAT WE SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T DO TO CATCH THIS FUCKING VIRUS?!?!?!

I still don't think I'll wear it at work.  I'll still be one of the few who do.  And I think I might be accused of "hoarding" all the masks while our healthcare workers have to go save lives without this Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) by some virtue-signaling punk-ass who wants to jump me.  But now that experts think that wearing a mask might stop the spread of coronavirus ... well, I now have to think long and hard about doing so.

When You Roll The Dice Getting Your Shoes Shined

Oh yeah ... went to get my shoes shined yesterday.  Do it every month, and even with the pandemic, I was in the mindset of, "Oh yeah, I need to get my shoes shined."  And she was there -- abbreviated hours, but she was there.  It hasn't been that busy, but she says many of her regular customers are still going in for work, so she continues to show up.

First thing I say to her: "Are you sick?"  To which she replies, "Are you sick?"  Fair point.  It didn't really hit me until I got there that this is the kind of interaction that's frowned upon: Less than six fit in public, and even though I know her, I don't know know her.  But we talked about it while she shined my shoes, and in 20 minutes we were done.  Gave her a $20, no hugs but well wishes, and we were off.

And now we just have to hope that neither of us are sick.  We promised each other that if we come down with something, we'd tell the other.  That's the best we can do.  And at this stage of the epidemic, that is the risk both of us are willing to take.

Hmmm ... ideally, I would be staying at home for months.  But work tells me I have to go to work.  And there are groceries that we need for home.  And yes, I have a hunkering for juice and, pretty soon, alcohol.  Those are situations where, to the average person, you can understand a breach of social distancing.  But do I really need my shoes shined?  Probably not.  But yet, at this stage of the epidemic, that is the risk I am willing to take.  And I think I am willing to take it next month as well.

Flesh And Bone By The Telephone

I have no idea whether that song has anything to do with psychotherapy via phone call.  But that's what I did this afternoon.  My therapist is very old, and to make sure that he doesn't catch anything from his clients, he is now doing tele- ... something.  Tele-therapy?  Anyway, I wanted to see him because I'm anxious as shit over ... well (gestures all around me) and his secretary said that he, like I thought, will only talk over the phone.

Smart.  But I had no idea what to expect.  Worse yet, I was late for my appointment time because ... well, OK: I left work at 1, thought about eating fast food, all the drive-thrus are packed (well, the more popular ones; McDonald's and Burger King, not so much), got my shoes shined (should blog post that, too), then wanted fast food so bad that I went to Culver's and, by the time 2:30 rolled around, I was still stuck in line.  Thankfully, I think, my therapist called several minutes late -- after I got through the line and parked in the parking lot.  I began my spiel as I opened up the Butterburger Deluxe I ordered.

I had little idea how different it was going to be talking to him over the phone as opposed to in-person.  One thing I thought would happen was that the session would be much shorter, and it was -- 45 minutes rather than an hour.  Honestly, a part of me wanted to take a walk at a park before I would be coming home for dinner too late; thankfully, as I was cutting the call short, he thought that I should take a walk in order to deal with my stress.  Another reason why I cut it short was because the parking lot was fairly busy.  In fact, as I began my session, a car pulled up in the space next to me, left after a bit, and apparently went through the drive-thru because, after a while, they were back in that same space.  (They left a bit before I took off for the park.)  There were three people inside, and I would bet that they could hear me speak to my shrink over the phone.  I don't like that.  Oh, and they weren't doing a whole lot of social distancing, either.

But the main drawback over this tele-session is that it was difficult for me to have a conversation with my psychologist without seeing him.  It helps tremendously to look into the eyes of the person you're talking to -- anyone, not just your therapist.  Without it, I can't pick up any body language, which would make me think I should repeat myself, or slow down, or go into greater detail.  And without the aid of those cues, two people speaking to each other over the phone wouldn't be able to shift the conversation based on those subtle, non-verbal cues that coaxes the other person to deepen that thought, and to clarify that question.  And phone calls are rife with pregnant pauses followed by both of you talking at the same time.  That makes for a rough conversation.  Now, that hasn't stopped me from having deep conversations in the past with my friends.  But maybe I'm used to seeing my psychologist and thus calling him will always be inadequate.  Also, it's been a long, long time since I've had a deep conversation with a friend.  And by the way, can you imagine anyone, but especially millennials in Gen Z'ers, talking over the phone?  It's Facetime and Skype and texting.  I do more of that than calling, and I still find it weird.

He asked me to call next week.  It'll have to be at a time before I come home, and it'll probably be at, like, a park somewhere.  And still it won't be the same as seeing him face-to-face.  But I'll have to.  Because right now, I need to reach out to someone in the face of this impending doom, someway.

Of all the problems that was going to grow with a lot of things getting shut down, I never really thought that the first of it was going to be ... my hair.  I talked about the annoying circumstances under which I got my hair cut the last time, but I swear it was only late February when it was cut.  So, just a month.  Typically I've gone at least six weeks inbetween cuts, but sometimes I've gone as long as eight.

So now I have a (for lack of a better word) drop-dead date of late April before ... well, getting my hair cut isn't the most pressing thing, but the way my hair looks now, if it keeps growing for four more weeks, that'll be the thing that'll drive me crazy.  Then, I'll demand that either a barber opens up shop, or I'll ask one of my stripper girlfriends (many of whom cut hair as their main gig) if they can cut my hair at their place.  (That might induce me to see if I could get a little sumpin'-sumpin' on the side, too, 'cause I'm horny af right now.)  I know that my hair should be the least of my worries.  But I think that come April, assuming nothing else hits the fan, I will get to the point where I will willingly risk getting the virus in order to get my hair cut.  Totally wrong, but that is how I will probably feel.

I'll Have The Prettiest Mask At Work!

So it is proper etiquette in Asian countries to wear a mask in public during pandemics.  That's not the case here; as we've been told here, wearing a mask is useless to everyone who is healthy because 1) it won't help, especially when it comes to COVID-19, and 2) wearing a mask is taking away from someone who really needs to use it, such as health care workers tending to actually sick people.  Nevertheless, it is considered rude not to do so in Asian countries.  For all I know, things are different there; they have borne the brunt of a few epidemics, and maybe surgical masks do make a difference.  There was one webpage I glanced at that said that masks in public are less useful to prevent infection than they are a social cue, a sign to others in your community that they're taking their health, and the health of strangers, seriously ... and you should do the same.

I was told not to use the endless supply of gloves at work.  Fine.  I read a page where people working in non-infectious settings don't get any extra benefit by wearing gloves.  But yesterday during dinner, unprompted, my parents asked if I needed gloves and a mask.  I could use gloves, to which that night they gave me, uh, three.  I should tell them that I need, like, way more than that, since I have to go through, like, three of them a day.

When I came home this afternoon (an abbreviated workday followed by a Quarter Pounder that nourished my soul at Mickey D's followed by a trip to the cemetery to see my Grandmother and uncle that was not to be because it started to rain and also the mausoleum appears to be closed so I might not have been able to see my uncle's ashes) Mother pointed me to something she's knitting.  She's retired, so she knits.  A lot.  And she knitted this beautiful, multi-colored mask.  She asked me to try it on; after she's done, she says she's going to get cloth inserts so I could wear it at work and dispose those inserts.

To be clear, I really, really doubt I'm going to wear this mask at work.  Gloves make me feel safer, but a mask does not.  Moreover, we're in the Western Hemisphere, so I'm going to get weird-ass looks from the folks in the lab, and that's without mentioning that this crocheted mask is in a multitude of colors.  But you know what?  I'm going to carry it in my bag anyway.  Mother probably doesn't understand what I feel I need at work, but she did this for my anyway.  She shows she loves me and cares for me.  And I can't be mad at that.

Expenses Without Receipt

Yeah, I let this get long again.  Starting from Tuesday, March 24:

• Well, since the coronavirus can live on money for days, I don't plan on using it again until there's a vaccine or I get COVID-19.  Nothing's open, so I can't really spend anything anyway, but whatever I had spent starting on the 24th I used the credit card for.  Therefore, from here, let's jump back to Thursday, March 12, where I went to Caribou because I was doing half-days and wanted to treat myself.  They have these malted mochas, and malt is pretty tasty.  With tip: $6.57.
• That evening I went to the two Games of the MSHSL Girls' Basketball Tournament, including the one featuring Paige Bueckers, The Top High School Basketball Girl In The Country -- and a UConn grad.  I detailed all my thoughts on Bueckers here, but I also want to say that the other AAAA Semifinal was a bit better.  St. Michael's-Albertville (aka STMA) was down by double digits at Halftime but came out draining three after three to eventually tie the Game with Farmington, but they bowed up on both sides of the court to win comfortably.  I was entirely sure that the entire sports world would shut down shortly thereafter, so I knew while at Williams Arena that evening that it would be the last sporting event I would be able to attend in person for a while.  Maybe a long while.  Ticket, hot dog, Coke and program total: $31.75.
• Wednesday the 11th was also a half-day, so I treated myself to Caribou.  Malted mocha plus tip (and, like the next day, minus ten cents for trivia): $6.57.
• After my abbreviated day of work, and even though I was feeling a burgeoning anxiety over the coronavirus, I went to Caffetto to work on my computer ... which, if I know myself (I don't exactly remember if I did this), I instead devoted most of my time scaring myself over COVID-19.  Cherry pie, small coffee (once I ordered I immediately regretted not getting tea) and tip comes out to: $7.11.
• On Tuesday the 10th I did not go home.  Instead, I whiled away the time before going to the University of Minnesota baseball Game against Creighton at U. S. Bank Stadium.  Needed to buy a shirt -- long story -- and I wound up having dinner at Chickpea, one of the stores at the Potluck Dining Hall at Rosedale.  I have to admit, hummus is good.  It's filling and yet it doesn't feel like I just devoured a gut bomb.  With Coke (although I should've drank lemonade instead) and tip, it came out to: $14.16.
• Oh, and before Chickpea, I ran into a troop of Girl Scouts selling cookies in the mall, too.  Good thing I decided to pick up a box; otherwise I would be missing an entire season of Girl Scout Cookies.  Got the S'mores.  But these Girls Scouts had a tip jar -- you know, kind of like you see sometimes at an Dairy Queen.  Fine, I threw in a buck.  Total: $6.
• I find myself dilly-dallying at Potluck, enjoying the hummus bowl while going through my phone.  I realized I was a bit late in heading downtown, and once I saw that the parking I thought would be open wasn't, I had to park further from the core and light-rail it in order to make it to the Game on time.  Cost for a one-way: 50 cents.
• At the baseball Game I tried using my student card to get in, but the box office rep was shocked at how old it was.  I decided to just pay full price, but she relented and gave me the ticket.  Phew!  And I got to sit down before first pitch, with hot dog and Crispin in hand.  Total: $17.50.
• Oh, and I promised a girl from BJ's I would stop by and see her at Rick's after the Game.  I did stop by, but I didn't see her in the 60-90 minutes I was there.  Saw a bevy of babes, however, some more personable than others.  There was one blonde spinner I wanted to get dances from, but by the time I decided to pull up stakes and leave, she was dancing with a pair of blind dudes sitting close by.  Oh well.  Cover, tips for everything (including mandatory coat check) and a Sprite, and it all came out to: $45.
• Back to Saturday, March 7. ...  Went to The Local for some EPL.  This month the chain of pubs The Local is a part of gave me a bunch of free money, both for my birthday and, I think, to celebrate the anniversary of me joining.  (Or maybe they sent more money just because.)  Anyway, I had so much free money I couldn't spend it all at once, but my Bloody Mary and entree were free.  So how much money do you give?  Yeah, it's free, but that doesn't mean I'm just leaving without giving anything.  I just picked a number, and I settled on the luckiest number in Chinese: $8.
• That evening I went to the Boys' State High School AA Hockey Final, won by Hill-Murray, 4-1, over Eden Prairie.  Ticket, program, hot dog and Coke: $35.
• And I parked in a ramp, too.  Oh, my God, and I just remembered the run-in with that bitch.  Oy, don't want to relive that.  Paid: $5.
• Went to Glam Doll afterward.  Man, I had no idea at the time that I won't be going back to that place for ... what, weeks?  Months?  A year and a half?  Pour-over, tip and two free donuts: $8.75.
• On Friday the 6th, the day my parents came home, I went to Central Car Wash to clean up my new car.  Turns out I changed my mind and used the old car to pick them up at the airport that night.  Charged the wash, but the tip was money: $3.
• Then I went to see ******a for a chaste massage.  She may not be expertly trained, but it still felt good to get a (clean) rubdown.  Well, I was lying down on her couch, and even though she gave me a pillow, I had to pull my head to a side so I didn't asphyxiate myself, and because of that my neck was more strained than it was before we began.  But other than that it was great.  And 50 Minutes only cost me: $80.
• OK -- on Thursday the 5th I bought these two candy bars from a co-worker who's helping sell them for her child's ... uh, something-or-other.  Still have one in my bag.  Cost: $2.
• Left early this day, and I went to the Hoggsbreath, a sort-of dive bar that would not cater to guys like me.  But when I went the last time -- probably a year or so ago -- the waitress at the bar told me to come back.  And whaddya know, she was the same waitress who served me this time!  Meal plus tip: $14.
• That evening I went to Fair State in its last hour of business.  The microbrewery has release a new beer every Thursday.  Sounds a bit like they're stretching themselves thin, but I wanted a quick release before going to home and bed.  I think the beer I had was called Avast.  With tip it cost me: $6.
• OK, apparently I can go all the way back to Saturday, February 29, where I went to 612Brew because they were having some to-do.  I got there late, I was by myself, and I was kind of tipsy on my way out, I must say.  But I got there late enough where my Lights To Ashes drink was some discount off.  With tip: $5.
• To Friday the 28th, where I visited ****e for a screw.  Frankly, it was disappointing.  In the living room I presented my dick, to which she immediately sucked it -- never done that before, so that was great.  But her lunch consisted of baking these fish cakes.  And then, as we went to the bedroom, she just laid there.  She had me do everything -- open up her legs so I could eat her out, lurching over her so she could dip her lips around my cock a couple times, then I had to contort my body to launch myself inside her.  I kept my clothes on -- just took out my penis through my porno pants.  I had an idea in my mind that that would be sexier, but this was totally undone by ****e just laying there like a fish.  In the middle of our tryst she looked like she was out of it, like she took one of her anti-anxiety medications.  And by the time I left, she was curled up under her blankets in the living room couch.  Oh, and I ran into the guy who lives in the basement as I was leaving.  Sheesh, should I want to even do this again?  Well, fuck yeah, but if it goes south like this again. ...  Should have just paid her $100, but instead I gave her the usual: $120.
• Wanted to go out in the evening.  Went to Milkjam for ice cream.  With tip: $5.
• Then I went to Glam Doll -- one donut only, pour-over coffee, tip: $9.37.
• Thursday, February 27: Got my shoes shined at Lisa's.  Gave her a little extra: $16.
• On Sunday the 23rd I went to Maverick's after my Sunday off.  Had a coupon, and their beef is pretty good.  Planned on doing it the Sunday before, but I was using the old car and I freaked out because one of the tires was in dire need of air.  Anyway, the ... brisket (?) was kind of dry, I'm afraid.  Charged the meal, but I threw in a tip of: $1.  (ETA at 10:28 p.m. on March 28 that no, I did not charge the meal.  Why did I say I did?  Paid all-cash for this, a total of: $14.83.)
• At the strip mall next to the strip mall in which Maverick's lies, in the middle of the parking lot, there is what I think is The Oldest Dairy Queen In The Twin Cities.  It's a cute standalone place, where you walk up one window to pay and walk over to the other to get your food.  Got a ... something.  Cost: $4.86.
• To Saturday the 22nd, where I got the new car washed.  Charged the wash, but the tip was cash: $3.
• That was the day and night of the Girls' State Hockey Finals, the finals of both classes are bunched together in one two-Game session.  Breck routed Cloquet/Esko/Carlton to win Class A, while Andover derailed Edina's bid for a three-peat in a hell of a match to win Class AA.  Charged the hot dog and Coke, so this EWR is only for the ticket and the program: $24.
• Oh, and I paid for parking, too.  This time around there were no problems: $5.
• Friday, February 21 ... I passed up the series finale of Fresh Off The Boat to see Echosmith at the Fine Line.  I am not a huge fan, but there was one song I love, "Cool Kids," and I wanted to see Echosmith perform it live.  (This raises a blog post I remember I wanted to blog post about, and if I remember later, I'll blog post it.)  The show was underwhelming.  The lead singer (the trio are siblings) was cute, but the rest of the songs were meh, although I remembered at the concert that I liked their follow-up single, "Bright," which was nice.  One other thing that I noticed: They cordoned off alcohol sales to the balcony.  I was going to have a beer on the ground floor after the opening act, Weathers, got finished, but the taps were turned off.  That confirmed a notion I had about the band: They're Christian, and they prefer limits on alcohol sales.  Fair enough; allowing it upstairs seems to be an acceptable tradeoff.  So I marched upstairs, bought a Strongbow, and took in the first half of the main act up there, which wasn't too bad.  With tip the cider set me back: $9.
• Oh, another thing that shows Echosmith's a Christian band: They wound up their set super early, like 9:45.  Not like I needed it, but that gave me even more reason to go to Pizza Luce a block away and finally cash in on one of those free pizza coupons I won spinning the wheel at the Minnesota Roller Girls (now Minnesota Roller Derby) bout.  Since the value of the coupon goes up to $25 (?), I used it on a large specialty pizza, half of which I couldn't finish, which is lucky because I would have been a damn fool if I tried to eat it all in one sitting.  The pizza technically was more than $25, but I wanted to ensure I used the full price of the coupon.  With beer and tip, the total was: $9.58.
• Once I got home I stored four new quarters and an old Canadian penny in my cup: $1.01.
• Thursday, February 20 -- I bunched up all my Sunday work to take this afternoon off so I could go to *****y's party.  Took the host upstairs with me and she proceeded to finally give me a handjob.  She wasn't down and dirty, but she did the job.  Oh, and even though she warned me to keep my semen on skin, a little splooge seeped onto the bed!  I like intimate parties; there were only two other girls there.  But I was there for two of the three (?) hours of this afternoon party, and there was only one other guy there.  Wonder how lucrative it is for *****y and them.  Then again, if I were the only one there, we'd have a fucking partay!!!  VIP with *****y, two conventional dances apiece with *****y and ****e* and cover: $220.
• And I wanted to cap off my night at Fair State, trying their brand new Megachonker.  Beers don't really stand out to me, but this one was pretty good.  With tip: $9.

Finally got done.  Done through March 24.

Yeah, But ... Is It Virus-Free?

So I am trying to step back from my anger.  Give it a night's (shortened) rest.  Maybe in the morning I'll have cooled off and thought this isn't a war worth fighting.  Or, I could wake up as spittin' mad as ever, and I would decide that I need to take some action, or talk back.

Either way, something could totally derail things.  See, on Sunday, I took up the mantle of disinfecting all the common areas in my area -- door handles and keypads.  While I was walking around work yesterday (a day in which I did not sanitize), I saw that all the dark spots I sprayed this disinfectant on had these white splotches on them.  It's ugly, to be sure.  So, it's, uh, possible I used too much?  But in the days of COVID-19, can anything really be too much?

So I can totally see coming in tomorrow and being confronted by my supervisor or boss with, "Did you spray all these door handles and keypads with the cleaner?  You used way too much!" and getting called on the carpet for it.  To which I would reply, and not like a smartass, "Yes, but ... is it virus-free?"

And I could then be fired on the spot, which would make any thoughts I have about quitting moot.

Maybe I Should Quit

First real bad day at work in a long time.  And it all has to do with the coronavirus.

First thing happened near the top of the day.  You know how more and more states are issuing these "shelter in place" orders in order to keep people distant from each so that the virus doesn't spread?  Now, "essential" services are exceptions to this, of course -- health care workers, civil servants, and grocery store workers (something I have never thought was ever "essential," but, you know, they are).  Surprise, however; my boss gave both of us a letter stating that our job is also "essential."

How?  Truck drivers need to pass drug tests, and apparently there are still truck drivers in this crisis.  Those samples need to be tested.  We don't test them.  We just put in the information into our records.  That's how we're essential.  We are tangential to the actual work that needs to be done, and if he were honest, my boss would admit that.  This letter essentially is a doctor's note telling our gym teacher we don't have to change clothes, basically.  But, if Minnesota gets a "shelter in place" order, allowing the cops to stop people and ask where they're going (and there was potential for Governor Tim Walz to give that executive order this afternoon but didn't), I'm supposed to show that police officer this note and I should be on my way.  That feels so elementary school.

We both asked our boss about the note, specifically how seriously we are supposed to take it.  Because, and I think we implied this enough to him that he understood, if the situation in our state escalates to this, maybe it's best if we just comply and shelter in place.  To which our boss says that if we wanted, we could call in sick.  That'll get impractical after a while; we can't call in sick for the next six months.

So that was bad.  What was worse was my boss e-mailing me, out of the blue, that I cannot use gloves anymore.  I am paranoid that the virus would be living on one of the papers I work on.  There are plenty, and I mean plenty.  But for some goddamn reason, my job, according to him, is not allowed to use gloves.

Frankly, I'm pissed off.  I am trying to protect myself from this mysterious, insidious evil.  I live with parents who are at-risk.  And,like I said, there are plenty of gloves around.  I do not understand it, and I resent how little he seems to care about the protective measures I'm taking so that I don't bring this virus into my home.

But I don't know what to do.  Well, maybe I do.  I may have alluded to this before: When mentioning that I still have to appear on-site at work, one friend says I should call in sick and the other said what my workplace is doing is disrespectful.

You know, inbetween the giving of this letter and the e-mail warning me not to use gloves, I was actually defending this job.  With so many people getting laid off, is my company really treating me worse for telling me to come in than other companies that have just let go of their people for, if they ever do get their jobs back, an indeterminate amount of time?  (Both of my friends now work from home, and maybe I should find a job where I can do just that ... or go back to school to get enough education to find a job that'll let me work from home.)  But then my boss gives me this unreasonable, ridiculous request, and I think I need to quit my job because my job is going to endanger my parents.  Why am I boxed into a situation like this?

Gettin' It At The Gas Station

Mother wanted milk, but only if I was going out somewhere.  Gave me an excuse to buy the Cokes I was hankering for.

Had no idea how much milk is going for, however.  Went to the gas station because 1) I get to put the Cokes on my points and 2) I am freaking out over social distancing, and I figured that at 3 in the afternoon a gas station would be more sparse than Target.  I went to see milk going for $4.59, which seems expensive as hell to me.  But as I was going out to the car, I got really scared about dodging people, some of whom are probably shedding virus like a motherfucker.  So I pretended to act like I meant to go to my car to get a bag, grabbed an H&M bag (I went to H&M to buy a shirt after my hoodie's string fell through one hole -- long story) and went back inside.

Yes, it was not crowded enough.  But the first time I went in, some dude was coughing.  And as I was going in a second time, some fat dude was coughing on his way out the door.

I have it.  I've got the fucking coronavirus because I was going to a gas station.

Fuck my life.

Just for the record, I'm almost certain that last year, 2019, I made more money than I ever made before.  Now, it didn't eclipse $40,000, which would be a huge milestone for me, but I'm sure I have never made more money than I apparently did last year, which was aided by some beaucoup money I made working a week at the Final Four.

There won't be a Final Four this year -- shit, there might not be any sports the rest of the year -- so my income will be going down.  But I wanted to note this.

It's Going To Get Us All

We're all going to die.

I'm not trying to be funny.  I ... we don't have anything to stop it.  And we can wash our hands all we want, and we can distance socially as much as we want.  But once it's in our bodies, it's going to fuck us up really good.  One-in-five of us will have to go the ER, and at some point, if we need a ventilator -- and it sounds like there's no chance all of us who needs a ventilator will get a ventilator -- it's a 50/50 shot we'll survive.

Three things have convinced me to be more pessimistic.  One is a series of tweets by some guy I don't know saying that he took all the right precautions except for having a beer with a friend at a bar for one hour ... and he was knocked on his ass (albeit at home) for a week.  He's just like me: He was vigilant, but just slipped once, and he got caught by this #TrumpVirus.

The second thing is a sad milestone: Minnesota announced its first death from COVID-19.  He was in his eighties, but he caught it from someone else.  I have people in my life that are that old.

The third thing comes from an article tweeted to me.  It's a first-person account of a frontline health worker in Louisiana who was horrified at how some young-ish COVID-19 patients are dying on his watch.  I didn't click on the link.  The description of the fluids coming out of some fortysomething's lungs convinced me I would go crazy if I read it.

It's over.  For me, for my family, for all of us.  We could be hermetically sealed in our homes, but if and when it gets us, it's got us.  We have no defense against this.  My God, there's nothing we can do. ...

Oh ... Ice-Out

For the record, the snow completely left the front yard yesterday, March 19.  I waited because snow was forecast overnight, but there wasn't, so even though there may be snow later, it's out as of now, so ice-out is March 19.

Was Bad At Work, Twice

One was a rule I probably broke.  The other one was just a breach of etiquette.

I had to print out some tax forms.  Yes, I'm sure that's not allowed at work.  But goddammit, I need to do my taxes, the country nor the state is going to delay filing (at least for now), and libraries are now closed.  I have no choice.  And if that's enough of a reason to fire me, well ... that would be my fault.

OK, on to something a tad lighter.  While I was up preparing applications, I farted.  It snuck up on me, so to speak.  I was just standing up, doing my thing and then, "Poof!"  And I did it loudly.  (I'm sure I pissed off one of my co-workers, but I think my OCD over COVID-19 today pissed her off, too.)  I was blindsided by my own fart, so there was no way to cover it up -- no, "He did it!" or, "I just slid my shoe against the rubber mat!"  I just tried to play it off as if I didn't hear it.  But I did.  And she did.  And everybody in the fucking building probably did.

Yep, if I get fired tomorrow ... yeah, maybe that would be my fault, too.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

This is a way different Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey than previous, for obvious reasons.  Nevertheless, there were a couple of teams that did play Games this screening week, including one that technically ended Thursday morning our time.  Plus, you know, the Vikings.

So there is one final sports-related survey for the time being.  I may or may not do a wrap-up WMNSS next week with an idea I'm batting around in my head.  But that would be for next week.  As for this week:

#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -3).  The top spot goes to the Gopher softballers.  With such a small sample size, the factor I relied on to rank these clubs this week is prospects for the season ahead.  And with a 3-2 comeback victory over Hawai'i in Honolulu, the ranked U. was going to remain a very good team for the entire year.  It would have been nice to see how good of a season they could mount after getting to the Women's College World Series for the first time in program history in 2019.  Alas.

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -6).  Maybe believing that the U. Nine was mounting a comeback is far-fetched, but the Gophers swept Creighton in their midweek two-Game series at U. S. Bank Stadium with a 5-4 win over the Bluejays last Wednesday evening.  The season was cancelled before they even got to the end of their non-conference schedule; they were supposed to visit Air Force this past weekend.  But again, maybe this was a sign that Minnesota was finally rounding into form and would be a contender in the Big Ten regular season.  Alas.

#-3: Vikings (Re-Entry!).  I really do want things to be done old-school.  But with this fucking coronavirus lurking (where are those damn tests?!), maybe it's not the worst thing in the world to start the NFL year and free agency without making signings face-to-face.  Besides, this crisis harkens me back to 9/11 in the sense that, when real life turns to shit, the NFL somehow is able to dominate the headlines.

Anyway, the NFL "year" began with a flurry of player transactions.  And I'm putting the Vikings this low because, well, the transactions for this club is going only one way -- out.  Xavier Rhodes, Linval Joseph, David Morgan, Josh Kline -- all of them were let go.  Stephen Weatherly, Trae Waynes -- both free agents, both signed elsewhere (Carolina and Cincinnati, respectively).  They did re-sign people: C. J. Ham, Eric Wilson, Britton Colquitt, Sean Mannion.  Oh, and they extended the contract of Kirk Cousins.

This is going to be a very important year for the Vikes.  They made all those cuts because they are sorely capped, so all those holes will have to be filled on the cheap, either through the draft or free agency.  But this franchise will have to hit on most, if not all, the new signings to get back to being a playoff team, and that's going to be difficult to do.

Toward that end, maybe the most stunning news of Vikings free agency has a method to its intrinsic madness.  Stefon Diggs, after a year of rumors and abrupt misgivings, was traded to Buffalo for several picks, including the Bills' First-Rounder in this year's draft (assuming it takes place).  Diggs was the team's deep threat and, according to at least one analyst, the league's best route-runner.  But the extension to Cousins shows that the Vikings offense will not be predicated on the deep ball.  It'll be focused on running with Dalvin Cook (who might be in line for a big payday with The Purple ... or a trade) and play-action off of that.

With the slew of picks the Bills gave Minnesota, they will have chances to plug up the holes they needed to punch into the ship this week.  That will include Wide Receiver, and lucky for the Vikings, this is considered to be one of the best draft classes for WRs in a long time.  (May I suggest the steady hands of Michael Pittman, Jr., out of USC?)  They needed to get under the cap and they needed to get younger, and while the future isn't promised for Minnesota, they at least have the chance to rebuild on the fly with players who, if they draft correctly, could be big additions to the team.  We will have to wait and see what happens, but the changes made have been understandable ones.

In the meantime, Stefon Diggs, go luck shuffling off to Buffalo. Hope you'll be happier there. And we'll always have the Minneapolis Miracle.

#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5).  They started the B1G Tournament last Wednesday in Indianapolis with a 74-57 win over Northwestern.  That advanced them to the next round where they would have faced potential Player Of The Year Luka Garza and Iowa Thursday but, alas, the conference (and eventually the NCAA) decided to cancel the whole rest of the year.  The Gophers probably would get killed anyway.

So, what about Richard Pitino?  On Friday Gophers Athletic Director Mark Coyle announced that Pitino would come back for another year, his eighth.  There is an incomplete season by which to evaluate Pitino, so even though the season would probably end without any postseason appearance, I think giving him another year under these circumstances is entirely appropriate.

But I'll go one step further.  Even if his squad got the shit kicked out of them at the hands of the Hawkeyes, I think Pitino deserves one more year.  First of all, who in the hell would Coyle find that would be better than Pitino?  Common argument, but it holds up.  But second of all, there are many Pitino haters who point out that he's failed to put a fence around Minnesota for the state's best recruits.  Remember Pitino's first full year leading the U.?  That was the year Minnesota hoops really skyrocketed, and there were three five-star recruits in The North Star State.  And Pitino got none of them -- Tyus Jones went to Duke (and won the title in his only year in college), Rashad Vaughn went to UNLV, and Reid Travis went to Stanford.  This year, there are four Minnesotans in the ESPN 100 -- and none of them are staying home.  That includes the best of the four, five-star recruit and fifth-best overall player Jalen Suggs, who's headed to Gonzaga.

But who has Pitino gotten instead?  Pretty good players.  This year the club was led by Daniel Oturu, who finished this abbreviated year part of the Big Ten All-Defensive Team and Sporting News All-America Third Team.  He might be a first-round pick in this year's NBA Draft -- if there is one.  Oh, and he's One Of Us; he's from Woodbury.  Marcus Carr may not be an All-American First-Teamer, but the Toronto native was a solid wingman for Oturu.  Remember Jordan Murphy?  He's from San Antonio, and he slapped.  Amir Coffey may have been the best in-state recruit Pitino kept home, and he developed him into a pretty good player.  And what are Nate Mason (Decatur, Ga.), Reggie Lynch (Edina), Andre Hollins (Memphis), Maurice Walker (Scarborough, ONT), and DeAndre Mathieu (Knoxville, Tenn.) to you?  All of those players received some end-of-season plaudit somewhere.  And with the possible exception of Coffey, none of them were heralded recruits.  Add to that one victory (yes, it's one, but I think that's an accomplishment Minnesota should reward) in the 2019 NCAA Tournament, and I think you have someone who can coach.  And even if you're not wowed by any of that, I circle back to my first question: Who are you going to get who's better?  You're not.

So maybe Pitino knows what he's doing.  Sure, there are only two high school recruits coming in for next year, one of them being four-star Point Guard Jamal Mashburn, Jr. -- wow, what a name.  Pitino will need to scour the transfer portal and the JC levels to find the depth that plagued this team all year.  But maybe Pitino has earned the right to keep doing what he's doing, flipping good players and turning them into ... well, good-to-great players for the U.  This wasn't a great season, but to me, he's earned enough credibility to give him at least one more year, even without the complication of this goddamn COVID-19.

I'm going into work.  As far as I can tell, we are not practicing social distancing at work.  In particular, where I am seated, there will be people coming around me because … you know, I'm sorry, I don't think I should disclose the reason why.  I apologize.  Let me just say though that there will be many instances today, and every day, where we are going to violate the three/six-feet rule.

I should complain about this.  When I told my friends about my fears, they told me that I should avoid this -- that my bosses are being irresponsible, that I should call in sick.  I should listen to my friends … which makes me feel like an absolute dope that I'm walking in there to work, today and, well, until told otherwise.  Or I really do get sick.

Man, I have two parents to look after, and it would be irresponsible of me to get them sick when I know of this protocol that we're not practicing at work.  And I don't know if I even feel brave enough to raise this issue.

I hate myself right now.

The Songs Playing The Minute Of My Birthday

I don't remember the last time I did this.  So it was jarring and a bit sad that, when I underwent my tradition of turning on the radio and making note of which songs were playing the minute of my birthday, I only was able to recognize three songs.  One problem was that when I turned the car off, I was listening to The Current.  So when I turned it back on, obviously, it was playing The Current, and even though I like most of the songs on there, I don't recognize most of the songs on there.

Then I flipped it to the jazz station, and forget it.  I've grown older now, so my music preferences are jazz and new indie music -- neither of which is played enough and broadly enough for me to go, like, "Oh, that's Billie Eilish!"  Compounding that is I did come across two songs that the kids like these days, and by golly, I don't recognize either of those songs, either.  Another byproduct of old age: You lose connection to what The Youth Of America is into these days.

Nevertheless I found three songs I am at least slightly familiar with:

• On Love 105 (I tune into 105.7 because the other two frequencies don't come in as well): Irene Cara, "Flashdance ... What A Feeling"
• JACK FM (104.1): Boston, "More Than A Feeling"

And I tuned into the song I like the most the minute after I was born, but I was familiar enough with the song to know that it was playing the previous minute, aka the minute I was born, so it definitely counts.  So, thank Buddha for:

• 93X (93.7): Blur, "Song 2"

My 2018 Playboy Playmate Of The Year

Feel bad that Playboy has fallen so far out of my pornographic pursuits.  But the Internet has made smut so readily accessible, and allowed all of us to follow our kinks, that the professional, "Girl Next Door" ethos of the original porn mag has lost circulation -- so much so that this year was, like the couple (?) years before, six bi-monthly issues instead of 12 monthly.  Also, it made me forget that, for a few years (at least I think), I would do an annual assessment of who I think should be Playmate Of The Year.

This is 2020, obviously.  I forgot I didn't do one for 2018.  That's how far Playboy is now out of my life.  But I want to be a completist, plus I want to think of something else besides COVID-19, so this is as good a time as any to finally give you my pick for '18 PMOY.

Oh, another reason I've turned away from Playboy: They don't show pussy.  I think it was 2017 where they finally reversed their strange decision to not show boobie, but they still have not gone back to showing full frontal.  It's a shame, because I think pretty much all of the Playmates in 2018 are hot.  (Maybe the big exception: Miss December, Emanuel Jordan -- who was picked as Playmate Of The Year.  Agree to disagree.)  If I had to extend my picks to five, I would toggle the last two spots between Miss February, Megan Samperi (dressed up in a college girl motif) and Miss March, Jenny Watwood (long raven hair, hourglass figure).

In third place is Miss September, Kirby Griffin.  I must admit that the main reason I put her in third is something I find lurid: She was a model in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue!  It's true!!  Just one year, in 2012!!!  I've gotten every year's issue, and I don't remember Griffin.  But I see her slim body in a swimsuit, and I get off then seeing her out of a swimsuit!

In second place is Shauna Sexton, Miss May.  I like the theme of her pictorial, that of her working out.  Sweat and fitness turns me on.  But in her spread, her most captivating photo was one where she was totally clothed.  She was in scrubs, holding a dog.  You see, not only is she a model (and a hot one; just check out her Instagram), she's a veterinary technician.  An emergency and critical care one at that, too.  I'd like to think that she wants to go into vet medicine after her modeling career is over, and she's studying to be one right now while her modeling is her main hustle.  I respect that.  A lot!

In first place?  Miss October, Olga de Mar.  She is a bottle blonde with a knockout figure.  Hef would've loved her.  But the main reason I put her first is something I now need to take back -- turns out Playboy does show pussy, just not very often.  And imagine my surprise when, after a couple years of a no-bush edict, de Mar's centerfold is her, on a clay tennis court, wearing no clothes, and posing in just enough of a profile that we get to see her razor-thin strip of pubic hair.  Hey, vagina!!!

So yes, for that reason more than anything, Olga de Mar is my 2018 Playboy Playmate Of The Year.

It's Everywhere

I had been meaning to wipe down my badge.  Finally did it before I left work just now.

I've been obsessing over which surfaces I haven't cleaned.  I went through several tissues just to scratch my eyes.  I never do that.  And I still think it's a waste of paper.

I forgot something: When we sign off on folders, we use colored pens -- a different one each hour.  If we're sharing a pen, shouldn't we use sanitizer before and after we handle it?  Do my co-workers realize that?

With the first case of COVID-19 in the state that was spread within the community, it's here-here.  Like, in the air now.  So it's everywhere.  And as much as I wash my hands and wipe down common surfaces as much and as thoroughly as possible, I don't know if it's enough.

Do I Have It?

Getting stir-crazy.  Since I was cooped up all yesterday, and since I had to go to work today, I permitted myself some normal creature comforts -- specifically, getting breakfast at McDonald's and a Coke from a vending machine before coming home.  I needed to get gasoline, too, and honestly, if I didn't need to get gas, I wouldn't get McDonald's or Coke.  I'd just go straight to work, then straight home.

But I'm freaking out that washing my hands with soap and water, or squirting sanitizer onto my hands, won't be enough.  For example, someone also working coughed while walking down my hallway, and I don't know if she covered her mouth.  I crossed her path because I needed to change channels on satellite radio.  Do I have it?

Meanwhile, I went to two Cub Foods to get a Coke.  The first didn't have a vending machine.  The second did -- it's the one closest to me, so I knew it did -- but they wouldn't take credit cards.  I thought about getting it at the gas station, but that would mean I would have to go into another place and physically getting it, and that also means interacting closely with a cashier.  So I went inside the second Cub instead.

Hey, I had heard about shortages on toilet paper and sanitizer, but I was looking for a Coke and I didn't find any ... except for one final Pepsi at this last cooler.  So I pay for it with a credit card at the self-checkout and I leave ... and some young man, helping bag groceries as part of a fund drive, clears his damn throat.  Fuck me.  Do I have it?

Oh, and come to think of it, finding the very last cold Pepsi seems strange.  And I was thinking about how I probably contracted the coronavirus because of that little shit when I opened the Pepsi and, you know, I don't remember hearing that "whoosh" indicating that the bottle was sealed.  Was the reason I found it because it was already opened?  Was some asshole trying to put somebody's life at risk?  Do I have it?

Hoarders!

I'm starting to really take seriously social distancing/staying home.  If we don't have enough tests, and if we don't have enough hospital beds, and if we don't have enough ventilators, we need to do all our part to stop the spread of COVID-19.  So I'm staying home.

My parents, however, did not.  I thought they were home all morning, but I heard them come through the front door.  They thought it best to go to a few grocery stores and buy tons of food.  Oh, and a propane tank.  Just in case.

Look, I don't want to underreact to this crisis.  We could be looking at, at least, two weeks of careful self-quarantining.  So we'll need food.  (Aside: I'm surprised my folks did not come home with bruises, cuts and scratches.  At work yesterday a co-worker said she talked to friends who went to Target, and it was like preparing for a zombie apocalypse: People in masks and gloves, buying toilet paper and disinfectants, and preparing to fight anyone who gets in their way.)  But this much?  It's not like we'll be doing so much exercise around the house we'll need calories to restore ourselves.  If anything we'll need less food and more Lysol and Clorox.  (Yeah, they should've seen if they could get some wipes and stuff.)

Well, at least we've got more than enough food that we can just bunker in the house, if need be.

Lied to my folks (actually just Father) last/Thursday night; said I had to work late when all I really did was go to the Minnesota State High School Girls' Basketball Tournament.  To be specific, I went to the night session, two Games, one of which featured Paige Bueckers, considered to be this year's best high school basketball-playing girl in the country.  She's going to UConn.  This may be the only time I ever see a high schooler be the best at her sport, so I went and focused on looking at her the entire Game.  I did that one other time: Many years ago when the Clippers were in town, and Blake Griffin was the sensation.  He had only one thunderous dunk.  (Verdict on this Game: Bueckers is a slick passer and a savvy shooter, but young players these days are always pushing the tempo, and more than once she just threw a Hail Mary that was broken up, if not intercepted, by the opponent.  And still she and her team, Hopkins, beat said opponent, Stillwater, by 20+.)

I got home (after taking a pit stop at work to eat eggs which, stupid me, I left at the bottom step at the house as I was leaving) and Father was doing his ol' goddamn speaking-calmly-as-a-form-of-condescension.  He ordered me not to go to a restaurant (wanking motion).  And he wondered if I had to go to work.  (I remember him telling me I needed to find a job.)  Told him that although the worldwide economic recession crashing into us the past couple weeks might cut off work, my company is trying to develop a coronavirus test, so maybe there will be work.

This is all so that I can sneak out and see a concert Saturday night.  Fuck it, I'll just say that Overtime's available.  Just hope I don't get caught, uh, catching the coronavirus.  Afraid I caught that at the Game, too.

Oh, this turned into a blog post about trashing My Fucking Father.

OK, Now I'm Really Scared

No, shit shouldn't be changing about the coronavirus because two actors and a basketball player tested positive.  But that's how humanity works: Tom Hanks, Rudy Gobert and Rita Wilson get it, and that's how shit gets real.

I went to the library because I needed to cancel this alumni event we were planning, and to avoid listening to Shitler show how much The Man he says he is.  Coming back home I'm listening to sports-talk radio and hear that the reason the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics-Bastard New Orleans Jazz Game was called off just before they were supposed to tip off (something I saw online on ESPN.com while at the library) was because Gobert tested positive ... and because of that, the NBA immediately decided to postpone the entire season.

There are still many sporting events that went on in light of the breaking news last/Wednesday night, and some that might still go ahead today/Thursday.  There is still a thinking of, "No, we don't have to go that far, do we -- really?"  I'm afraid that in retrospect, people will regret not shutting things down immediately.  Hell, there's still a girls' state high school basketball tournament Game (and don't judge me) I'm planning on going to, even though experts warn against large crowds.

Anyway, I got freaked out over the postponement of the NBA season that I ate at Taco Bell, even though I was not hungry.  And just now I masturbated because I'm anxious.  And I'm still staying up even though I'll get less than 5 1/2 hours of sleep, an amount similar to what I got the night before, which was something I vowed not to do tonight.

Yeah, it feels as though a shoe just dropped on the world tonight.  I will wake up to a different world in the morning.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: United FC (Last Week: 0).  OK, this is surprising.  Two Games on the road to begin the season, two road victories, and neither was close.  Saturday night they crushed the San Jose Earthquakes, 5-2.  Ike Opara was named MLS Player Of The Week for his brace, Jan Gregus got the match-winner, Luis Amarilla scored again, and even Robin Lod finally got his first MLS Goal, albeit a rebound off of a Penalty Kick save.

I never, and I mean never, expected the Loons to hold their home opener with a 2-0 record.  But the defense is holding up after solidifying last year, and the retooled front half is firing on all cylinders.  Technically, MNUFC is second in Major League Soccer, behind only Sporting Kansas City on the tie-breaker of Goal Difference, 6-5.

Hope they keep this up Sunday night when they host the New York Red Bulls.

#-1: Wild (Last Week: -2).  Every day, The Athletic updates their NHL Stanley Cup Playoff probabilities for each team.  I saw it once several days ago.  Close to the bottom are the three California teams: San Jose, Los Angeles, and Anaheim.  It just so happens that the Wild were playing all three squads this screening week.  They should have beaten all three.  They needed to beat all three, seeing as they're in the midst of a beastly playoff race for the final spots in the Western Conference.

Um, not quite.  Sure, they outlasted San Jose, 3-2.  But Kings beat the shit outta the Mild, 7-3, and the next night the Ducks pushed Minnesota to Overtime before the rocketfire of the red-hot Kevin Fiala gave them the 5-4 win.  They needed six Points but got only four.  And they are off until tomorrow/Thursday, which allows fellow contenders Nashville, Vancouver and Winnipeg to gain Points on the Wild.  As of right now, all three of them are in a three-way tie for the first Wild Card in the West.  Thus, as of right now, they're on the outside looking in.

And this week will be a tough one.  The Thursday Game is at home to Las Vegas.  They travel out to Philadelphia Saturday afternoon, then come back home for a Sunday night Game versus Nashville.  They then begin a home-and-home with Chicago Tuesday at the Xcel Energy Center.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -5).  I don't know how I feel about the male U. icers.  To the good, this team fought back from dropping Game 1 of the Big Ten Conference Tournament First round series to Notre Dame by winning Games 2 and 3 -- all of them at Mariucci Arena, all of them one-Goal Games.

Now to the bad: Despite winning more Games than they lost, the Golden Gophers have somehow dropped in the PairWise.  They are now 17th, and that is close but firmly out of the NCAA Tournament.

The U. has up to two Games left.  The first is massive, obviously: At Penn St. in the B1G Semis Saturday night.  I doubt that a victory there gets them into the tourney.  It'll take another one, at least -- and that is the following week's final, also on the road.  But if they win that, the PairWise doesn't matter, because then they would have won the conference tournament and the automatic bid.

In other words, it's tournament time for the Gophers now.  It would help to demonstrate this program's progress if they won this and next week.

#-3: Gopher softball (Last Week: -1).  This club had an exact .500 record: Two wins, two losses, and a tie.  They beat co-host Long Beach St. in eight Innings and Mercy-Ruled Cal Poly in five.  They got shut out by co-host and the top-ranked team in the country, UCLA.  The last Game of the UCLA/Long Beach Tournament was against Central Florida.  It was tied after regulation at 5.  It was still tied at 5 when, in the bottom of the Ninth Inning, the Game was called.  You see, Minnesota had a flight to catch, and as such there was a "drop-dead" time at which the Game was going to end, regardless.  They obviously built in enough time to accommodate an extra Inning, but the Gophers and the Golden Knights couldn't break the deadlock, and they had to go.  Non-revenue teams, (shrug).

The U. remains ranked, but they've drifted from 18th to 19th.  They seem to be dropping like a feather.

Lucky them, the club is in Honolulu this weekend, the final non-conference Games of the season.  Apparently there is no tournament; host Hawai'i, Texas Tech and Drexel are just there to, you know, play Games with Minnesota and each other.

#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  All season long I thought a final between the Gophers and Wisconsin in the NCAA Championship Game was inevitable.  Now, for the first time ever, I'm not sure.

Even though Ridder Arena and the U. hosts the WCHA Final Faceoff, the Gophers lost their Semifinal to Ohio St., 4-3 in Overtime.  (The Buckeyes lost in the Final to ... Wisconsin, a squad that actually is doing its job.)  They've been busted all the way down to fourth in the PairWise -- still safely in the NCAA Tournament, but in no way indicative of the talent I believe this still has, and should, wield.

Thus, the U. has the 4-seed in the tourney, and thus draw in the Frozen Four top-ranked Cornell.  I thought the Big Red's stay up top would be short-lived, but once Cornell reached the top spot, it hasn't relinquished it.  But they first have to get there.  They host the Quarterfinal Saturday ... but it's against Ohio St.  One would think home-ice advantage would be great for such a tilt, but goddammit, the Buckeyes won there last week!  Plus, how many people are going to show up?  It's not just the coronavirus; less than 3,000 people showed up for the Final Faceoff last weekend.

I'm really scared the U. is in for a massive upset.  If that's the case, this program will, for the first time in recent memory, face serious questions.

#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -7).  These Goofers snapped a losing streak at three with a season-ending ass-kicking of Nebraska Sunday at The Barn, 107-75.  The school set a record for most Three-Pointers made in a Game, but this is against a club that overhauled their roster so much that there is only seven scholarship players, two other players were suspended last week, and for the tournament they got two football players to round out their team.

Make no mistake, however; the Gophers aren't coming into the B1G Tournament with a full head of steam.  They finished 14-16 overall and 8-12 in-conference, and since they finished 11th in the league, they play the First Round of the tournament tonight (Wednesday night) against Northwestern, the worst team in the league.  It will take a miracle to win five straight and claim the automatic bid.  At this rate, it'll be very difficult to believe they'll make the NIT.  That leaves the CBI ... actually no, the CBI has been cancelled due to the coronvirus.

We'll assess Richard Pitino next week.

#-6: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -4).  I completed last week's WMNSS right in the middle of their battle with South Dakota St.  Well, the Goofers eventually lost that Game to the Jackrabbits, 10-8.  Then they lost two-of-three to Utah over the weekend.  Luckily maybe, last/Tuesday night the U. beat Creighton, 5-3.  It was an entertaining Game.  I know, because I was there!  And I saw Bubba Horton come in for relief and strike out five Bluejays in a row.  Nevertheless, a 2-3 screening week probably isn't what this squad thought their season would look like.

They finish the two-Game set vs. Creighton, and the 14-Game homestand, tonight/Wednesday night.  They then strike out on the road for a three-Game series versus the Air Force ... assuming they're going.

#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3).  A stirring win at home over Chicago was followed by home defeats to Orlando and New Orleans and a road loss vs. Houston.  Meanwhile, Karl-Anthony Towns remains sidelined with a ... ?  They are tied for the second-worst record in the NBA, though, so at this point, why the fuck bring KAT back?

I'm not sure if there's anything else to say.

The loss to the Rockets began a six-Game roadtrip.  Their next four contests are a pair of back-to-backs: OKC and San Antone Friday and Saturday, Portland and Phoenix Tuesday and Wednesday.

#-Infinity: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6).  As expected, the Gopher women ballers saw their B1G tournament end with a thud, a 21-Point thumping at the hands of Ohio St. Thursday.  They're obviously not going to qualify for the NCAAs.  They probably aren't good enough to reach the WNIT, either.  Will they stoop so low, again, and participate in the ... gulp ... WBI, which they won in a postseason no one seems to want to remember?

The season crashed after Destiny Pitts, the team's leading scorer, entered the transfer portal.  But I'm not sure if this team was going to be any good if Pitts stuck with the U.  And that only reinforces the stasis this program has bobbed along under the tutelage of Lindsay Whalen.  Her name, her brand, her aura, the status of an icon she will forever have as a favorite daughter of Minnesota -- all were reasons Mark Coyle hired her as Head Coach ... even though she had never had experience coaching, as a Head or an Assistant, at any level in her life.  And two years ago, she not only was given an HC job, but one at a BcS school?  What couldn't she start small, like at Hamline or Minnesota-Duluth?  This season reinforces the belief that she is nowhere close to understanding, let alone handling, the duties of a big-time women's college basketball program.

The only saving grace Whalen has, in my estimation, is the recruiting class that's coming in.  There are many, many holes to fill, and only three recruits coming in, but they're damn good ones.  There's Caroline Strande, a three-star Guard; Erin Hedman, a four-star Center (who, like Strande, is from Wisconsin, thus reversing the pipeline that seems to descend towards Our Drunken Cousin); and the cream of the crop, five-star Point Guard and Ohioan Alexia Smith.  Whalen will need to spackle the rest of the roster with juco transfers, and she still needs to prove she can develop players and provide them with the right tactics to win Games.  But at least she still has that.  That might be the only reason she keeps her job ... wait a second -- she's a goddess here in Minnesota.  Her job isn't in that much jeopardy.  Nevermind.

Right Now, The R Doesn't Stand For Russia Or Rape -- It Stands For Racism

I must confess that when I saw on Twitter one person calling the coronavirus the "Kung Flu," I wasn't offended.  But it's different when two elected officials unnecessarily allude to the origins of this impending pandemic.

First I saw that House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy -- a Republican -- tweeted a link to a website for, as he called it, the "Chinese coronavirus."  And then I saw on Colbert that Rep. Doug Collins of Georiga -- a Republican -- was self-quarantining after he came into contact with someone who tested positive for the "Wuhan virus."

I know what you motherfuckers are doing.  You're identifying this as a Chinese disease, and thus trying to blame Chinese people for having it.  I've heard of one case (online, through a website I've never heard of, so I'm not sure if it's true) of a Chinese dude getting beat up over the coronavirus.  You fucking Republicans are just looking for another scapegoats for all your troubles, like Republicans usually do.

"So?" you may ask, "Didn't the coronavirus start in Wuhan, China?"  Yes.  But first, if you or I get the virus, it'll probably be someone who's white, so if anyone is to blame (and no one is to blame), by your bigoted logic, it should be the first degree person, not Patient Zero.  And second, and more important, asserting this empirical fact is just an excuse for Republicans to race-bait.  They want Asians to get beaten up, or worse (probably), because they want to blame The Other for the problems they're suffering through -- even though this is a disease, that no one is to blame, and that it will take all of us on Earth to control and, maybe, defeat it.

But caring for your fellow man isn't in the Republican spirit.  Pointing fingers is.  And that's exactly what they're doing when they use the adjectives "Chinese" and "Wuhan" when talking about this scourge.  Don't deny it, assholes; you know goddamn well what you're doing.

And hey, following up on what I said in my previous blog post, one thing I do like about my parents now being home is that I feel as though I no longer have to stress out over house responsibilities.  That is such a dickish thing to say, and to do.  But it's nice to come home and not worry about washing the dishes or watering the plants.  I have other people doing that now, so to speak, and I'm sure they don't mind, what with them being retired and all.

With that being said, an exchange in this bargain, at least according to my parents, is that I am available more often.  After helping Mother with that tax form/e-mail, I disappeared into my bedroom.  I was tired, and I drifted off to a nap while listening to the Gopher men's hockey team win their conference tournament series over Notre Dame on the radio.  And then I was on the laptop finally finding opponents and piecing together my hypothetical Mid-Major Games Of The Week On ABC.  I only left my bedroom to shower.  That's not making myself available, but I hope they can give me this one night.

So far, so good with my parents.  I am living in their house and yet, once they came home late Friday/early Saturday, it once again felt like they were invading my space.  But, credit to them, we are getting along.  In fact, it may have been me barking at Mother when all she did was ask for help getting a tax form.  Hope she doesn't hold it against me.

Like I say, so far, so good.

People Who Should Be Fired: Intercom Parking Ramp ...

... (sigh), I know I shouldn't call women bitches, but that's who she was.  Straight-up truth.

I was getting out of the parking ramp that I now always use when I'm in St. Paul (I was there for the Boys' State High School AA Hockey Final) when I and another car were stuck at the gate.  The tickets we need to insert to lift up the arm weren't being taken up by the machines.  So I called the intercom and told her, as I was trying to make myself heard through the ambient noise of the ramp and surrounding area, that we were stuck at the gate.

To which this bitch replied, "Can I help you first before you help other people?"

And, well, I just got triggered.  I did not take the high road, but with the tone she gave me, the only thing she deserved was tone back.  She asked me to read the address, so I went, "It is ... 96 ... 3rd Ave. South!"  And when she asked me if I put in the ticket with the stripe up and to the right, I snapped back with a sigh and, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, I put in the ticket with the stripe up and to the riiiiiiight," like I was rolling my eyes at another of my parents' stupid questions.

What was worst of all was this asshole then asking, "Are you sure you're not putting in your receipt and not your ticket?"  I told her yes.  I should have told her, "Yes, I put in a ticket.  Receipts don't have stripes!  You keep harping over putting in the ticket with the stripe up and to the left -- how in the hell would I do that with a fucking receipt?!  Come on!"  After I barked out the ticket number and the price I paid for parking, she finally lifted the arm.  I told the ladies in the other car what I did, wished them good luck, thanked them and drove off, hoping that the unneeded thanks I gave the two women (what am I thanking them for?) wasn't taken by the idiot over the intercom as me thanking her.

My God -- customer service, right?

Hottest Babe In The Hooters Calendar: February

This was a good month, to be honest.  Great-lookin' women posed well, for the most part.  I shall rank the top five in ascending order:

5. I will go with the main girl, Louisville's Sidney.  She's crossed her arms in front of her.  Also, my ATF from the Hooters at MOA wrote all over her photo, and even though I secretly pine for her, she did kind of ruin the picture.  But Sidney is blonde and hooters are big (although possibly fake).  And, like all the girls for February, she is in red, in this case a bikini.

4. I will go with Mayra.  She is kind of plain-looking, although by no means am I not lusting for her body, which is shown off in a two-piece (with her arms crossed in front of her, unfortunately).  But honestly, the main reason I'm ranking her is that I remember her from last year's calendar and she hails from El Paso.  Ah, the memories of being out on my own. ...

3. Samantha, out of West Monroe, La.  She's in a one-piece bikini, and her arms are crossed in front of her, and she's shown in sort-of-side profile.  But I love her toothy grin and her long, blonde hair.  Plus, she's got big tits -- maybe fake, maybe not.  Finally, she kind of looks older, therefore I am having dreams that she's a MILF.

2. Kiersten, out of Orlando.  Pure blonde hair, two-piece red bikini, she's full-frontal, and her arms are not crossed in front of her.  They are, in fact, holding ... uh, two sides of two windowless doors, or something?  Anyway, it shows off her hot figure.  She's not smiling, unlike the top girl for February ...

1. ... fellow Orlandoan (maybe they work at the same restaurant?!) Vivian!  Blonde hair with black roots, arms touching her sides.  But she's wearing a two-piece and a smile, and thus the total package is totally sexy, and wankable!  Congratulations, Vivian!

I will jerk off to the month of February as soon as things settle down with my parents.

Over My Head, Figuratively And Literally

Yeah, so I threw in the towel ... and the brush and the boxes and the magazines and the newspapers and the receipts into storage.  I am beat, and I know I lost.  And I still have some of my stuff I'm just going to shovel into my desk or something.

There were several big paper bags, several small paper bags in which I organized programs and stuff from Vikings Games, plus all the pamphlets from Auto Shows past, which I never got to.  Combine that with the Amazon boxes I could just not part with, I had, like, two dozen ... things I threw into my storage unit.

And I took a good look when I was there about an hour ago.  The pile was taller than my head, and the new stuff I threw in there made it even taller, obviously.  This is a huge monument to my failure to organize, curate, let go, and make decisions about My Stuff.

I think I need to spend a few hours a couple evenings per week at storage.  That means going there, taking out a bag, separating the things I truly want to keep to the ones I kept just to read them later, and read them right then and there.  But that would mean I need to buy a footstool ... and probably throw it into my storage unit.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1).  They did what they both needed and are virtually entitled to do, sweeping their WCHA First Round tournament series over St. Cloud St. at Ridder this weekend by scores of 4-2 and 7-3.  (Somehow they fell behind in Game 1, 2-1 [shrug].)  The team remain locked at third in the PairWise, so unless I'm doing the math wrong and pure chaos rules this weekend, both at the WCHA Final Faceoff (also being held at Ridder) and in the other conference tournaments, the Gophers are in like Flynn.  They're just playing for bragging rights now; they host Ohio St. Saturday, and if they win that, they face either Minnesota-Duluth or top seed Wisconsin in Sunday's final.

#0: United FC (Re-Entry!).  I'll be honest: The reason why I bumped up the Gopher female ice hockey team up to Positive Numbers was because of the Loons winning its first-ever season debut after four years in Major League Soccer.  That these guys did it on the road, beating the Portland Timbers Sunday night, 3-1, is extremely impressive and something I did not foresee.  I wanted to give the club some recognition, even though the Gopher women's hockey team deserved the top spot, so I jerry-rigged the survey to look like this.

They go into the 2020 season with an established back half (besides new Goalie Tyler Miller) but with a largely revamped attack.  Kevin Molino and Ethan Finlay are holdovers (and, dare I say it, favorites of Adrian Heath, whose thoughts into personnel were enshrined over the offseason), but now, Robin Lod and new Striker Luis Amarilla are expected to be the tip of the Loons' spear.  And that spear struck; Molino's brace sandwiched Amarilla's match-winner, a header from a cross by Finlay.  If this is the Offense MNUFC has assembled, maybe my fears that they'll backslide out of the postseason this season are unfounded.

They are at San Jose Saturday.  I think the 2018 United FC season began at Portland, at San Jose too, no?

#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -2).  In the Auburn Tournament in Alabama over the weekend, the U. went 4-1.  Included in that are three Mercy-Rule Games and a two-Game sweep of Binghamton.  (They also defeated Georgia Southern in six Innings.)  They split with the host Tigers, winning 5-4 Friday evening and then losing Saturday afternoon, 5-1.  Thus they maintain their 18 ranking

They strike out west for the UCLA/Long Beach Tournament where they will play five different opponents over three days while toggling between Long Beach and Los Angeles.  And the Gophers will play both hosts: Long Beach St., and #1 team in the country, UCLA.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -4).  I keep being down on them, but I have to admit that they have played pretty well as of late, especially when Alex Stalock is in goal.  They finished 3-1 in the past screening week.  Unfortunately, they remain on the outside looking in the playoff picture.

The problem now isn't necessarily Points behind -- it's the number of teams between the Wild and the final playoff spot in the Western Conference.  Case in point: Going into Tuesday's/last night's pivotal showdown with Nashville at the X, they were one Point out of the last Wild Card spot.  They beat the Predators, 3-1 ... and they remained one Point out of the last Wild Card spot.  That's because both The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers and The Bastard Winnipeg Jets were tied with Nashville for that eighth and final playoff birth, and Winnipeg also won Tuesday/last night.

The squad now heads out west for a trio of Games in California -- San Jose, Los Angeles and Anaheim, to be exact.  These three teams are all entrenching this year, so it is possible the Wild can sweep all three contests and make headway in the West ... especially if Kevin Fiala remains on a tear.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7).  Somebody break up the Timberwolves!  They won ... and then they won again after not that many losses!!  And both victories were on the road!!!  They first withstood the Heat in Miami Wednesday, 129-126.  Then, after defeats to Orlando and Dallas, they went back out on the road, to New Orleans, and in a comeback beat the Pelicans, 139-134.  All of this without Karl-Anthony Towns.

The makings of a team?  Maybe.  Teams not giving a shit since it's March?  Probably.

Right now they're beginning a three-Game homestand by dueling with Chicago.  After hosting said Magic and Pelicans, they visit Houston Tuesday.

#-4: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -5).  Well, the season is going down the tubes for these Goofers.  After starting out the 2020 CambriaCollegeClassic (all one word) with a 4-1 win over North Carolina, they finish the tournament with a 7-3 extra-Inning loss to Duke and an 11-7 loss to N. C. St.  (I was planning on going to that Sunday Game vs. the Wolfpack, but now I'm glad I didn't have the time.)

Worse than that, however, is North Dakota St. coming into Das Bank v.2.0 and whipping the U. Tuesday, 7-4.  And right now they're dueling with South Dakota St.  They could be facing a four-Game losing streak, the last two of which against low-major schools.  WTF?

After tonight they have five final home Games at U. S. Bank Stadium.  Utah is here for the weekend, then Creighton comes in for a two-Game midweek series.

#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -3).  They went into the final regular season series, versus Michigan at 3M, in a tie for the lead in the Big Ten.  After a pair of losses and garnering only one Point, they finish fourth and host Notre Dame in the first round of the conference tournament.  Worse than that, however, is the PairWise rankings, where they are in a tie for 15th but, due to the RPI tiebreaker, would be the Last Team Out.  So this will be a dogfight.  Assuming they win the series over the Fighting Irish -- no safe bet -- they might still need another victory (presumably against regular-season champ Penn St.) to build up enough bona fides to escape the cut.

#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -9).  Whelan & Co. finished the year losing six straight, the last of which was a 99-44 home immolation at the hands of her former Head Coach, Brenda (Oldfield) Frese, and Maryland at The Barn.  It was the worst loss in program history since 1986.

The only, and I mean only, reason they're not last is because they somehow won their First Round B1G Game against Penn St. today/Wednesday, and in an 85-65 rout.  They will probably lose tomorrow/Thursday night vs. Ohio St.  In the meantime ...

#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6). ... the male analog lost all three tilts this screening week-plus, and that has virtually doomed their Big Dance chances.  The first two defeats were killers -- come-from-ahead defeats that exposed the club's lack of depth and killer instinct.  The Wednesday night home loss to Maryland, in which they raced out to a double-digit lead only for the Terrapins to come back, was probably worse because of the nature of the collapse, including missing all three Fronties.  The last of which was rebounded by Maryland, and the ensuing three gave the Terps the lead and an eventual 74-73 win.

The Sunday evening loss in Wisconsin was bad, but at least that Game went back-and-forth before the Goofers relented, 71-69.  And then tonight/Wednesday night the U. fell behind Indiana early and tried to come back but couldn't, finally giving way on the road, 72-67.

They finish the regular season at home to Nebraska Sunday afternoon.

Sad For Elizabeth Warren

I voted in a primary for the first time in my life today.  I voted for Elizabeth Warren.

I think she would make a better president than either Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders.  We need someone who's smart in the White House.  God, do we need it.

And yet she has been virtually wiped out, here in Minnesota and all the other states on Super Tuesday.  I don't get it.  She is smart and charismatic.  She vows to open up an investigation/tribunal on the Trump Administration if she were elected.  And the criticism about being Native American, or insulting Hilary Clinton ... exaggerated, if not outright preposterous.  So that leaves ... sexism.

I am sad.  But that's what you get when you stick your neck out: Sometimes, it doesn't go your way.  I thought she had a chance of staying in when there were only four states that held primaries.  But after #SuperTuesday, even I can see the writing on the wall.

No matter.  I don't regret my vote at all.  Because I still think she's a better candidate, and I still think she would make a fantastic president.

Even More Overwhelmed

Putting my shit into (or back into) storage is going to take all week.  Such is the magnitude of my stuff.

I started after coming home today.  Sunday I bought a huge tote that I could easily carry my shit in.  Well, I could only fit in three bags' worth of magazines and mail; a fourth would have made it impossible to lift.  I was able to get that thrown into storage tonight, as well as the clear tote that I've decided most of my sundry items such as beer cozies and souvenir sports cups will be placed in.

Still, I have several other bags of stuff that I'll have to take into storage, although most of them will be half-empty because I've started organizing them into "mail," "sports programs," and "Vikings stuff."  And then I have other boxes I think I'll stash in there.  Oh, and I'm finally going to go hard and seal up some Entertainment Weeklys, which was the original point in having a storage unit.  But that will probably mean I will have to take one full box and throw it into storage.  I bought from Amazon more empty boxes, and I think I'll have to open it up to assemble and use one, but for the other unassembled boxes I'll ... have to throw them in storage, too.

Glad I have until Friday.  This is a multi-day chore.

coronavirus

My parents are coming home later this week, and while I hate that they're coming home, I do want to see them because, and I don't think I'm contradicting myself when I say this, I want to see that they're healthy.  And yet I'm scared as hell about this coronavirus.  I don't think I have it, they don't have it, and yet I'm scared that they'll get it.  No one has any idea as to the extent of it, and although I know they're healthy, they're getting up there.  I am scared that me or them will be the first case(s) of coronavirus in Minnesota and, if they're part of the five percent whose cases become critical. ...

Need to wash my hands more.

Overwhelmed

My parents come home in five or six days.  It feels like an eternity, to be quite honest, but today was the first time I felt so overwhelmed in trying to get the house tidied up and to ship all my stuff back out to storage.  There are just so much shit that I haven't gotten around to that several days won't be enough for me to deal with it all.  I mean, not only do I have bags from storage I'm still trying to get through, not only do I have bags of auto show brochures I haven't even touched, but the mail I have accumulated -- not just the past 3 1/2 months when my parents were away, but before that too -- is piled up so much that I can't even start.

That's why I think I'm just going to cut my losses right now.  Tomorrow, after work, I'm just going to throw all this shit in bags, willy-nilly.  I might throw those bags into storage.  Meanwhile, I'm going to buy a storage crate to throw sundry stuff -- I have cups and programs and other ... things -- that I want to save but I think can be separated into a different container.  I have no idea whether or not it'll fit into my storage unit, but I think it's a worthwhile investment nonetheless.

Then, if, at the very least, I have all the stuff I'm sending into storage in bags or containers, maybe then I'll calm down and realize that I still have time to go through and read all the City Pages and tape up all the Entertainment Weeklys.  If I'm tired, the thinking goes, I can just toss those bags into my car and drive to the unit.  That's the state I need to get to, ASAP.  But, I have to admit that this is not the first time I'm overwhelmed and not understanding how much more stuff I have accumulated over the years.