Great, Now I Have To Avoid This Co-Worker For The Rest Of My Life

When I was an usher, by far the worst part of the job were asshole customers.  But I learned over the years working there that usually I would never see them again.  Even in a town like this that seems so small, it was rare to have a second run-in with a prick at a show or a concert.  Once I realized this, it actually made my bad days sort-of better.  I found that if I don't see a motherfucker again, I can let go of the angry feelings that I remember from the run-in with that motherfucker.

The problem really started with this fellow usher.  I may have spoken about her in the past, and I don't want to give that closeted bitch the time of day, so if you don't mind, I'm going to gloss over her misdeeds toward me.  But these misdeeds, whenever she was in a bad mood (or, since I believe she has some psychological issues, I'll say she was "glitching"), I had to add that to all the other bad times I had dealing with her.  Those experiences added up, and when I had my final straw, my "I'm done with you!" moment with her, that's when I went to my supervisor and told him I cannot deal with that woman anymore.  Because she wasn't going away.  She was coming back, again and again and again, and I was just a sitting duck, waiting for her to explode and melt down on me.  I could not let go of my angry feelings of her mistreatment towards me.  And therefore, after a year of hemming and hawing, I realized that I would rather be free from her than have this ushering job, a job that I loved for eight, nine years.

Since then I've been weary of making enemies of people at my usual workplace.  Unlike strangers who come and go, your co-workers are going to be there, day after day after day.  There's no way to avoid them, no way to be free of them (besides quitting, of course).  So while I am wary of people who might not be so, uh, professional, I also try and not do anything to make enemies out of people, either.  Because there's no way you can get out of that.

So that takes me to this morning.  I was surprised when I woke up to see one inch of snow; the forecast said a dusting to 2/10 of an inch.  That slowed traffic to a crawl, of course, and even though I did set my alarm early just in case, I still got blindsided by the underestimation of snow.  Therefore, once again, I was trying to beat the clock in getting to the parking ramp so I can get into work before it was too late.

This morning, I had to take a left in order to get to the ramp.  I had to wait, however, as two cars coming in my direction were making a right.  They were -- no, are -- employees in the same company and building as I.  So, remembering that there is a possibility that I will run into them at some point in the future, I waited.

The first car took a right.  The second car flipped its turn signal on, but started to slow down, moreso than a normal car.  And I'm still edgy, trying to get to work, you know?  So I waited ... but then creeped out a bit, and started my right turn.  And then the driver, sigh, she (?) slowed down, presumably because she thought I was being aggressive and was going to get to the turn before she did.  But then I stopped, and then she stopped, and -- AARGH! fine, I'm going!

OK, so in retrospect, I should have just creeped out into the intersection, turned on my turn signal ... and stopped.  But geez, this woman was driving slow.  Serious!  If anything, I should have just taken the turn before she did straight away.  Me hesitating -- should I go?  Should I wait? -- that got me into this annoying and frustrating situation.

And since she turned into the same ramp I did, I hurried to a spot and tried to get into the building as soon as I could, assuming that this driver would be as slow in parking and walking into work as she was taking the right turn.  I think I managed to avoid her.  But I think she knows what I look like.  What happens if she sees me in the same intersection tomorrow?  Or, worse, what happens if she recognizes me in, say, the lobby some time next week?  See, this is why I try to be a choir boy when driving.  If somebody perceives you being a jerk, it'll come back to haunt you, because there's nowhere for you to go.

I have to take a different way to work tomorrow.  That might help.  Maybe.

So They Say I've Got A Big Dick

Alright, I'm not bragging, I'm just relaying what the strippers I mess around with have been saying to me.

So I was at *****a's party on the way back from work Thursday.  I was invited by ****e, but when I got there she went upstairs to service a guy.  There's another girl, ****a, who puts out, but she took someone upstairs, too.  So of the eight or so other strippers there, I decided to go back to the host, who intimated that she would treat me right if I take her to the VIP.

Now, *****a does not suck dick.  Nor is she one who cleans me up after I cum, which I've always considered a de facto part of the VIP experience.  Nevertheless, she was much more accommodating, and intimate, this time around.  She licked her palm before she grabbed my cock.  And unlike times before, where she put me on a strict time limit, she gave me a lot of time where I tried to ejaculate.  I went to a party the night before where I blew my wad (and then some) on ******e, and I didn't have much to give and was really, really limp when I tried to give it.  But thankfully, by God, *****a was patient with me when I finally decided to do it myself, and then had to take another five-to-ten minutes before my penis was hard enough for my semen to spurt through.

OK, now that I've embarrassed myself, I can now get to the point of this blog post.  During our session, probably when I responded to *****a's powerful stroke by getting flaccid and when I started masturbating myself, I, uh, subtly broached a topic that I have heard for a while from some strippers: I have a big dick.  Hear it from my ATF, ***e*, all the time, plus I've had my pee-pee complimented by a few others.  So yeah, I guess I was fishing for compliments when I told *****a, "Yeah, sorry about my dick being so small," to which she quickly replied, "No!  You've got a lot of girth!"

"REALLY?!" I replied, and then *****a sighed and got frustrated at how men never believe she's serious when she tells him how big he is.  She wouldn't bullshit me.  So, even though I've heard it several times before, when *****a says I've got a big dick -- well, I think I can finally believe my own hype: I have a big dick.

And I'm going to be swinging it and, hopefully, sticking it into *****e* when I drop by for my postponed housecall tonight.  I wonder if she fucks me because I make her feel good because of my huge cock.  Probably not, but hey, I'm packing!

SOTU? STFU!

It's convenient that the local movie theater has discount tickets on Tuesdays, because now I have one hell of a reason to avoid The State Of The Union speech-turned-fundraiser.  I would've avoided this crap anyway, but now I don't even have to accidentally be in front of a TV.  By God, I hate this son-of-a-bitch and the treasonous Republicans.  And what these assholes have done the past couple days have pissed me off even more, if you can believe that.  I'll talk about it when I can calm down a bit.

I thought it would be fitting that I should watch The Post tonight while the speech is going on.  Unfortunately the evening screening happens before I'll be able to get off of work, and the late screening begins after the speech.  Seriously, I don't want to be within a mile of a television when that prick speaks.  So I'll see a different movie instead.  Probably The Commuter.  It's another Liam Neeson-kicking-ass flick, but I'll take escapist fare tonight.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -8).  Hmmm.  This is a very unsatisfying week.  In terms of wins, the Minnesota lady icers get the top spot hands-down by virtue of their sweep of Minnesota State-Mankato at Ridder, their final home games of the season.  And yet, because the squad's current records stands at 12-6-2 in the Big Ten and 19-8-2 overall, they remain in big danger of missing the NCAA Tournament.  They didn't gain a whole lot in the PairWise; they sit in seventh, still firmly on the bubble.  And now they finish up the year on the road, beginning with what should be a pair of gimmes against St. Cloud St.  It used to be that these Goofers would steamroll teams like the Mavericks, however they kind of struggled in putting them away Friday, winning by a score of 4-2.  Could the Huskies give them as many problems -- maybe more, since the U. is playing on the road?

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -2).  So I managed to get to Friday's Notre Dame game even though it started an hour after I could leave work.  I thought I would be late, especially with traffic I didn't anticipate, and yet I got from my parking ramp to a parking spot in 20 minutes, then walked, found my scalper, bought a ticket from him and got in in another 20 minutes.  That left almost 20 minutes to buy my food and program and to stake out a good rail to watch the game standing up.

And I've got to tell you that Friday's game against what was the #1 team in the nation was one of the best ones I've seen in some time.  In fact, dare I say it, it was better than Vikings-Saints.  The good plays made far outweighed the bad ones, on both sides.  There were great passes, great individual efforts, and great saves, and yet it headed to Overtime scoreless.  Then, with 85 seconds left in the extra session, this happened:



I gotta tell ya, this Casey Mittelstadt kid is a special one. He may be the best Gopher player to lace up the skates in some time.

Now, the Fighting Irish fought back by crushing the U. Saturday, 4-1.  And seeing the PairWise now, I don't know if Friday's victory or Saturday's defeat changed them from their current ranking of tied for eleventh -- squarely on the bubble.

Meanwhile, only two points separate sixth-place Minnesota from third-place Wisconsin.  And it just so happens that those two squads will meet in Madison two weeks from now.  With an odd number of teams in the B1G, schools get byes in-conference; next week is the Gophers' turn.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  We're in the middle of a logjam of teams that finished at .500 for the week.  I give the nod to the T-Wolves (who sandwiched road losses to Portland and Golden State with wins at the Clippers and at home to Brooklyn) because two of their players, Jimmy Butler and Karl-Anthony Towns, were named as reserves for the All-Star Game.  Congratulations to them.

This team has a busy week coming up.  They have a horrible back-to-back tonight (Monday night) and tomorrow (Tuesday) night of at Atlanta and at Toronto -- huh?1  They then come home for a pair: Thursday vs. Milwaukee, where they will debut their new "City" jerseys, and then the Boogie-less New Orleans Pelicans on Saturday.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Finished the first half of the year with a win over Ottawa at the X and then a 6-3 thumping at Pittsburgh where the Penguins scored all their Goals before the Mild scored all of theirs.

This weekend was All-Star Week.  The squad's only representative was newly rejuvenated Center Eric Staal.  He participated in a new event in Saturday's Skills Competition, the Passing Challenge.  He finished runner-up, but eight seconds behind the winner, Alex Pietrangelo of St. Louis.  Later, Staal said that his son said his performance passing was "respectable."  Yeah, that's an anodyne way of saying it.  And then Staal and the rest of the Central Division got bounced by the Pacific Division in Sunday's All-Star Game(s).

As of right now, the Mild sit at 57 points and a four-way tie for the final spot in the West with Colorado, Los Angeles and Anaheim.  (Chicago is dead last in the Central?)  They resume play tomorrow/Tuesday at Columbus, then have an arduous back-to-back of home to purposefully-stacked Vegas at the X Friday and then at The Team That Was Stolen From Us Saturday.

#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6).  Light schedule, just one game.  And yet that one game managed to drive the nails into this club's coffin even further.  They hosted Northwestern, one of the more disappointing schools in the nation, and promptly lost to them Tuesday, 77-69.  They have now lost three in a row, six-of-seven, and stand 3-7 in-conference.  They may not make the NIT.

It gets worse: They play a pair of road games this screening week -- Iowa tomorrow/Tuesday, Michigan Super Bowl Eve.

#-6: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -7).  Oh, pew.  I am fairly certain there has been a weekend in the past, oh, five years where the grapplers played two duals and lost both, but I can't remember it.  Regardless, this weekend's 0-fer, where the extremes of losing were both on display, can firmly put the kibosh on this club's season.

On Friday they were marching into the belly of the Tiamat, the #1 ranked Penn St. Nittany Lions, current overlords of men's top-flight college wrestling.  I was afraid they would be shut out; turns out that the U. won two matches, but only after Penn St. racked up an insurmountable 25-0 score and thus trotted out newbies for the matches at 125 and 133 lbs.  Minnesota responded by forfeiting the last match, at 149.  Can you do that?  Moreover, why in the hell would Head Coach Brandon Eggum forfeit?  I mean, does he not have wrestling at that weight?  Strange.

It got worst yesterday (Sunday) afternoon against Northwestern, the team's last home game.  The Goofers were leading 18-14 heading into the final match at ... 149.  OK, the club does have a grappler at that weight, Ben Brancale.  And he may not have been ready to face the Wildcats' Ryan Deakin -- who, by the way, was ranked fifth in the country at the weight.  So maybe Eggum had no choice but to throw someone out there.  I guess he told Brancale to not drop a decision majorly.  Looks like he tried to do that ... but at 2:45 Deakin felled Brancale for the six points and the come-from-behind win for Northwestern.  (sigh)

Minnesota was ranked 14th in the country.  How can a team ranked at all lose via blowout and then through excruciating nail-biter?  It truly doesn't matter if this program disbands.

And now these guys finish up with four duals on the road.  And look, the first of the four is another lamb-to-the-slaughter contest, at Iowa Friday.  Don't leave Iowa City without your balls, gentlemen.

Will We Regret Hosting The Super Bowl?

Despite being blocked from picking up my credential because I came during the wrong hours, I am still getting slowly, er, excited about the Super Bowl.  The NFL and the city had to commandeer a parking lot to allow people who are working the game to dive into the building to get their credentials.  Oh, and they also had to commandeer another building in order to give out those credentials.

I was able to see a part of U.S. Bank Stadium while I was trying to find the entrance to this place.  There's a lot of stuff going up, and there's a lot of activity that's taking place.  I think, for example, they're putting in an arch on a street leading into the stadium.  Nice touch.

Last week I stopped by the Mall Of America to look at Radio Row.  There was no broadcasts going on, but that's when I got a little excited about what's coming.  And then, last night, instead of going to Caffetto or a strip club, I decided to head downtown.  Well, I first tried to scalp a ticket for Drive-By Truckers at First Ave.  But when I didn't see anyone, I decided to brave the crowds at Nicollet for Super Bowl Live.  Well, what's left of it; there was nobody there because the free concerts were done by the time I got down there.  But what was there -- ice sculptures, a snowhill that can't be used because it's broken, broadcast booths that would be on during daylight hours, people just as curious about how Nicollet Mall is being transformed like me -- was enough for me to stay for more than two hours.  It was really fun, and it showed me how much the eyes of American sport will be upon the Twin Cities, putatively starting tomorrow.

And yet, I am nervous.  When I was downtown for Super Bowl Live, all the happy faces I saw, I think, were local ones.  I feel as though this weekend is for us Minnesotans, and the rest of SBL is for the Patriots and Eagles fans and other vacationing visitors.  I don't know how many local faces are going to be happy after that.  Because, frankly, I fear the worst from those people.

For one thing, we have an influx of people who don't live here.  They feel they can do whatever they want because they will be gone once the Super Bowl's done.  So, shoot, they could, what, be rude to the locals, not tip waitresses, vandalize stuff.  And I don't want to sound paranoid, but I can see a bunch of outsiders going to the poor side of town and beating up -- and maybe killing -- some homeless dude on the street.  I'm serious.

And for another thing, this is stereotyping, but I don't like the fanbases who are coming here.  Obviously it sucks that Eagles supporters, a notoriously violent group, beat my Vikings.  I and many other people are having a hard time getting over failing to reach Super Bowl LII and playing at "our" own stadium.  What makes this worse is the downside to playing a game for the right to play the Super Bowl at home; if you lose the Conference Championship Game ... the team that beat you will play the Super Bowl at home instead.  These fuckers are going to shove that loss in our faces the whole goddamn week, I'll guarantee you that.  And I think they'll be even more thuggish, more violent, around town because of that.  (In that sense, I wish the Vikes would have finished 3-13, like I once feared they would this season.  With absolutely no chance of a hometown Super Bowl, I wouldn't feel so pissed that my ViQueens shit the bed, and there would be no team that beat us two weeks ago lording it over us.)

But I'm not holding out hope the Patriots will be that cordial, either.  This goes beyond the fact that they're the Borg of the NFL, probably will win their sixth Super Bowl title, Bill Belichick is a cheating, morose dick and Tom Brady is a cheating, strange dick ... although that's a source of a lot of hate I have for them.  It's also that I have a bias against East Coast cities.  I hear, for example, that as much as the South has been traditionally racist, they may not be as racist as working-class enclaves in the East Coast, the perception of which Boston is sometimes head-and-shoulders proud.  Here's an example; also note that the Boston Red Sox was the last team to integrate its roster.  I will not completely discount the idea that Patriots fans can be as thuggish as Eagles fans in a situation where they feel emboldened to get away with anything.

The more I think about it, the more I believe this is the worst matchup Minneapolis could possibly have for hosting a Super Bowl.  When you step back, most football fans hate both teams.  But they're here.  And in my worst nightmares, I feel like both fanbases, instead of fighting each other if they come across each other on the street, see their common assholiness, realize that they may never be back in this city ever again, and team up in order to loot and run riot on our fair, gentle town.  I keep harkening back to the days where I got ganged up in junior high by people who weren't friends with each other.  I see Iggles and Pats fans as seeing us Minnesotans as timid and weak, and so they feel entitled to tear down all the Super Bowl stuff we put up and give the finger to all the volunteers who just want to help out and show a positive face in the name of our city.

Therefore, I have to temper my impending excitement of my city being the belle of the ball.  Don't get me wrong; I do notice that in being the perfect host for people who are not from here, the city is doing dirty to the people who live here -- taking over parking ramps, charging people (including locals) upwards of $100 to park in those spots instead, closing streets to inconvenience downtown workers for Super Bowl Week, and shoving families in shelters downtown into other dark corners of Minneapolis where the visitors won't see them.  That is bad, and there should be a reckoning about what we Twin Citians have done in order to placate out-of-towners.  But I also think that we need to prepare for an invasion of dickhead football fans.  They're going to trash stuff, beat up the locals, and be general assholes.  And at some point this week, we're going to see something, either on the street or on the news, and we'll say to ourselves, "Goddammit, I can't wait for this fucking Super Bowl to be over."

Guess we'll see how rude our guests will be.  Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Where's The Snow?

It got up to 47 degrees yesterday/Friday.  I knew that the warmer weather would eat away at the 8 1/2 inches of snow we got Monday.  But I didn't know it would be so warm, and I was shocked at how much snow melted and evaporated when I got home after the Gopher men's hockey game last (Friday) night.

I kind of thought the snow left after I shoveled it off would be gone, but I didn't think that the snow that blew up against the house on the other side of our stoop would be gone, too.  I could see a bare ring of grass around the tree in the front yard.  And the driveway is virtually free of snow.  Wednesday night, when I finally got around to plowing it, there were still some tracks of snow on the driveway.  Those tracks are gone now.

As much as I want to think that the warm day was the reason, I can't help but think that global warming/climate change is the main culprit.  Snow didn't seem to melt this fast, this way when I was young.

I Think I've Mentally Mapped Out My Super Bowl Week Evening Schedule

And I thought I was busy this past workweek.  The damn blizzard altered everything then; although I could foresee this, the Super Bowl is affecting what I do after work more significantly than I thought.

OK, I'm still going to have some fucking-around time.  But still, look at this:

• Monday: My only free day.  I want to check out Radio Row (actually they took over the front of the food court on the 3rd Level North, and SiriusXM planted four stages in the rotunda on the 1st Level North) for signs of activity while I wait out evening traffic.
• Tuesday: Might go back to the Megamall again, depending on what time screening the movie I want to see that evening can show.  There are some times that start as early as 6:30.  I can't make that, so I might as well just do the late show.
• Wednesday: My rescheduled fuck session with *e*****.  Might be able to eat something at home afterward because her son returns home at 8.
• Thursday: I have to get ready to look presentable for the people I am working for for Super Bowl LII, so I will get my hair cut after work.
• Friday: The more I think about it, the more I think I should check out how everything's working before I have to report for work over the weekend.  This would be the best night to see how the shuttle works, see how getting into the stadium works, introduce myself to the production crew, and maybe to sign off on paperwork.

Not much time to eat leftovers, certainly.  But not much time to do much of anything.

As bummed as I still am about the Vikings losing, I now am getting the rush of anticipation for Super Bowl Week.  And I'm nervous.

You Know What I've Been Pushing Back?

OK, so here's what I've done after work this week, since my parents left:

• Monday: The blizzard hit, so I took, my time getting home.  Even stopped by Buffalo Wild Wings at MOA before coming home at 9:30.
• Tuesday: Had to finally see The Last Jedi -- which, by the way, is good; took some detours, but if any movie franchise had to shake up what it's been doing, it's Star Wars.
• Wednesday: Probably my only "normal" night this week.  But I've got grated cheese that's about to spoil and no food at home to use it on, so I went to my local grocery to buy some chili ... except that they were all out of chili, so I got some beef & vegetable soup, and I came home to put cheese in that.  Should I have?
• Thursday/last night: Went to a stripper party after work.  Ate there.
• Friday/tonight: Won't be going home; Notre Dame officially plays its first game at Mariucci against Minnesota as a member of the Big Ten.  I think I saw all B1G opponents play their first games at 3M during the conference's inaugural season in 2013-4, and I intend to do the same thing tonight.

So, what is the commonality in all of this?  I haven't been eating at home.  And before she left, Mother left me a ton of leftovers to eat.  And I haven't eaten any of them.  Probably will tomorrow/Saturday; I have my eye on the pork chop and rice.  Hope I can still eat them!

So Glad I Cancelled With *e*****. So Glad I Came To The Party. So Glad I Came!

Yeah, I was saving up all my cum for her, dear ******e.  For all my years of getting girls to suck my cock, no one did it with more passion, more violence, more vigor than ******e.  I would've came in her mouth if she let me.

And she was so much fun in bed, too.  After I gave her a facial (after she asked me not to -- but how do you control that?), she started slapping my chest.  And after I got done and climbed off of her, she started teasing me, then threw me back onto the bed!  Physical girl who can toss me around -- I like that!

Hopefully I see her again.  And hopefully I can reload my semen for Round 2, which is tonight!

Addendum To: Why Won't The Stripper Answer Me, Dammit?!

Welp, after texting her back again this morning, she replied that, yes, she can reschedule.  There's no way to glean her tone; for all I know, she's going to welch on me when I'm supposed to see her next week.  Hope she doesn't.

Whatever the case, I am free now.  (Didn't have to bring in my porno pants, either, but since I'm going from here to a house party tomorrow, I won't change my bag.)  I do feel the need to stay true to the reason I asked for the postponement and plow the rest of my driveway.  Then again, I can get around my driveway just fine, so maybe I'll buy some chili and eat it instead.

Regardless, there is a stripper party tonight, and I hope that I have lead in  my pencil to really give it to ******e when I see her.  God, if she whores out like she did the last time, I hope I have enough hardness and jizz to to make this an all-time session!

Why Won't The Stripper Answer Me, Dammit?!

OK, so there is one stripper, *e*****, who has hosted parties at her place for years now.  I've been to them, and oftentimes we would go to a room where she would play with my junk, then glove me up, suck my dick and then fuck me until I cum.   I have had problems ejaculating with her in the past, but for the past few times she has succeeded, and so I think we have some chemistry.

For the past couple of years I've been needling (harassing?) *e***** about doing one-on-ones at her place.  It's been a trying effort.  One tryst fell through because she freaked out when I asked for her address.  But finally, last week, after I had to tell her I couldn't go to one of her stripper parties, she finally accepted my request to have the whole house to ourselves.  The ability to scream and really rail her without having any other guys in the home is something I could finally take advantage of.

But, shit, something came up.  Well, two things.  Well, one thing and then another thing that I'm using as an excuse.  There was that blizzard, much of which is still on my driveway because I haven't had the time (and I'm too lazy) to plow it.  I texted *e***** yesterday/Tuesday whether we can reschedule because I told her this evening was the first time I could finally get around to clearing my driveway.

However, I will admit that it is a canard.  Over the weekend this guy who holds parties sporadically invited me over to a house party, also happening tonight.  I would have skipped this one if it weren't for a couple mitigating circumstances.  First of all, I haven't heard from him in a while, and I generally like his parties because the girls there usually put out.  Second of all, there is this one girl, ******e, who sucked my dick for $20.  I am totally going to see her again -- to get another $20 blowjob, or maybe rawdog her for, like, $40.  In other words, she provides tremendous value for putting out, and therefore I would be foolish to pass up that kind of party.

But that is happening on the same day as me promising *e***** I would be her backdoor man.  So I am taking a risk by, yesterday, texting her a request to postpone till next week.  That way it'll give my dick some time to reload some sperm.  See, I was invited to yet another stripper party tomorrow/Thursday, and it's at a regular spot I hadn't been to in some time.  Plus another girl who orally pleasures me on the regular, ****e, invited me, and she hasn't gone down on me in awhile.  Going to parties back-to-back is already going to be hard on my wallet and my cock, but a third?

The thing is, I haven't heard back from her since yesterday afternoon.  I have no idea what to make of this.  Is she just being flighty?  Or is she secretly mad for trying to postpone this?  I just wish she could give me an answer as soon as I text her -- you know, like what grown-ups usually do.

I really hope she understands, but I also don't want to miss this chance in case she changes her mind or if something comes up next Wednesday.  So I said that if not cumming by tonight is going to be a problem, I would rather keep my time with her.  Hey, a part of me wants to see if I can cum three times in a span of 24 hours.  But my big head says that it's better to space these things out.

Man, I just hope I can get an answer, you know?

The Kindness Of Strangers

Even with my parents gone, I'm kind of in a bad mood.  That's because I took them very early yesterday/Monday morning, and even though I had some time to have all-you-can-eat pancackes at IHOP, I was up so early I was tired by the time I got to work.  At least the blizzard relented until I got to work at 9, but by God, we got a direct hit -- I think there is about nine inches that fell in my area.  And, of course, the fucking loser Vikings.

I took it easy on my way home.  Went to the Megamall after work, but there were so many stores that weren't open, and Buffalo Wild Wings announced as I was there that were closing at 7:30.  That is a sign that this blizzard was big enough to bring even the Twin Cities to its knees.

After knowing I didn't have all night, I crawled up the metro area through sides streets.  Hit Cedar-Riverside.  I saw the Don't Walk blinking on a light in the Cedar-Riverside district and, stupid me, afraid that I'd slide through a red light, I slowed down.  Only then I realized that I was going up an incline and that this area wasn't plowed yet.  So when I got the green light, I was spinning my wheels and eventually tipping off to the side.  I tried backing up, but there was so much snow and such little traction that I was going nowhere.  Stupid fucking me.  I really was afraid that I was stuck there.

But then this dude comes running my way: "You need me to push you?"  It was hard for this one guy to push me.  I was laying down on my accelerator to the point it just didn't respond.  I tried digging more snow out from under my low-profile car, and I tried backing out.  But nothing worked.

Finally, after ten total minutes, this second dude comes from a side street to help out.  I moved over to the left side of the street, where incoming traffic would be coming.  Somehow, through the inches of the dirty snow, my tires got to some patch of pavement my tires could land on and drive on, and my car finally climbed out of the incline.

As I was driving up and away, I gave a thumbs-up through my open window.  And the guy who helped me first said something about Muslims.  You know, I don't know if they just happened to be there or if they were just hanging out to make sure people were getting through that intersection.  I can see that.  But if this was a way to demonstrate that Muslims are good guys ... As-salamu alaykum, brother.  You got me out of a jam I know I wasn't going to get out of.

---

My car got stuck a second time when I tried driving up my driveway.  There was so much snow that my car just piled up the snow into a wall.  And then my car was skidding on snow and ice.

I took out my shovel and started clearing the snow around and underneath the car, which was askance just beyond the driveway, when my neighbor came over.  She had just come through and up the driveway, presumably from work.  "Can I help?" she asked.  "Sure, if you'd like," I replied, and after several minutes ... her son came out with a shovel because she told him to help me!  This family may be Muslim.  I never speak with them, to be honest.  They took the place of the family I knew there back when I was a kid.  But this dude, who I think is of high school age, was really helpful in shoveling enough of my driveway to get my car onto it.

Finally, I can't leave out my other neighbor, who, just like this guy, lives across the street.  He came over while the son was struggling to push my car onto the driveway.  He helped push it out onto the street so I could reorient it and finally get it up there -- well, at least onto the driveway that is clear of snow.  I remember him as the dad whose son tried to give my niece some candy when she was over last year and she refused.  It was the right time to apologize for her.

It takes a village to get through a blizzard like this.  But I have to admit that I wouldn't pull my weight.  I sure as heck wouldn't be outside to make sure people got through intersections or up their driveways.  I always minded my own business.  But dammit, I am so glad people didn't mind their own tonight.  Otherwise I would be stranded and alone.

The kindness of strangers is a powerful force.  It salvaged my day, and even turned it into a good one.  I have to appreciate them, and it should compel me to not fear the world, and to be a better person.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -3).  In a screening week that is both long and blah, I want to give some dap to the Gopher women's b-ball team -- and I really am not trying to compliment them back-handedly.  I have no idea where they sit in the eyes of the bracketologists.  But by going undefeated with wins at Williams over Wisconsin and Iowa, the team sits at 16-5, already surpassing its win total from last year.  Bonus points for being the Hawkeyes yesterday (Sunday) afternoon when they were ranked 20th.

Carlie Wagner still appears to be the alpha dogs on that squad.  But it's striking to me how other players on this team are contributing.  Destiny Pitts and Kehinde Bello notched double-doubles in Thursday's win over the Badgers, and Kenisha Bell did the same in the victory over Iowa.

I should move on; have a lot of teams to talk about.  Apparently the B1G thought it fun to play the same teams twice so close to each other because the Gophers will be facing both the Badgers and Hawkeyes this screening week, except on the road.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -6).  This might be the weekend that saves the U.'s chances to reach the NCAA Tournament.  In a special road-neutral series where Minnesota is the featured school in the Big Ten Network's "Super Saturday" in New York City, they swept an albeit pretty mediocre Michigan St. squad, 5-4 Thursday in East Lansing, then 2-1 Saturday night in Madison Square Garden.  They are slowly sliding up the PairWise even though they remain below .500 (6-9-1) in the B1G.  The team plays Notre Dame at 3M this weekend; I've seen the Fighting Irish play here before, but this is the first time they come here as members of the conference, so I might go to one of those games.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -2).  I forgot that the National Hockey League, at least for the foreseeable future, is giving "bye weeks" to teams.  How does it work?  I think it goes by Divisions: In the month of January, one Division takes the workweek off, then another and so forth.  I believe this past week was the Central Division's turn.  And it looks as though it paid off, at least in the short-term, for the Wild.  For a squad that has consistently played down to the level of bad teams, they gave the prime favorite for the Stanley Cup, the Tampa Bay Lightning, their what for and crushed them Saturday at the X, 5-2.  I think they're still scrounging for a playoff spot, but this helps a lot.  This week: Home to Ottawa Monday, at Pittsburgh Thursday.

#-4: United FC (Re-Entry!).  The teams above had undefeated weeks; the teams below had weeks of less than .500.  So this is the perfect spot to put in my analysis of the Loons' SuperDraft picks and day.

I had not realized until listening to the draft online the parameters of importance this has when it comes to team development.  With the help of Targeted and General Allocation Money, the relatively soft salary cap and the conventionalization with the world soccer market, drafting players is not the best way to help a soccer side -- in Major League Soccer or anywhere else.  Instead, TAM and GAM allows sides to scout and sign players from outside the United States.  Meanwhile, franchises are trying to start up academies whereby they sign kids to train for them throughout their adolescents.  Those two mechanisms give teams an immense amount of control over who they want to play for them, unlike drafts, which rely on an order determined by the record of the previous season, which is a significant lever of player teams cannot control.  Come to think of it, if you have all three methods by which to mine and sift for players, why would you even bother for the draft at all?

(Aside: If the splashiest players are going to come not through the SuperDraft but by teams spending money to get them, that diminishes the importance of the draft in MLS.  Contrast that to the NFL and NBA, where the draft is the prime way to select talent.  That's why there is so much keen interest in their sports' drafts, and that would mean that the MLS SuperDraft would be devalued in terms of appeal.  That is very interesting to look at from an American sports fan's angle -- the draft in Major League Soccer isn't that important.  So why have one?  And furthermore, does the fact that a college draft in soccer won't have as much impact as those for football and basketball mean that there would be less overall appeal for soccer compared to those two sports?  I kind of think that the draft is very important to a fan.  Just a thought.)

Anyway, MNUFC still needs both talent and depth.  Assuming you can't draft talent, the side was really busy on Friday, wheeling and dealing money and picks in order to rack up five players (four through the SuperDraft, one via trade).  I'm scratching my head over the moves made to get Indiana Forward Mason Toye with the seventh pick if the Loons already have both Christian Ramirez and Abu Danladi.  But the most intriguing one is the team's next draftee, Dartmouth Defender Wyatt Omsberg.  He's big and rangy, and he fills a need on this club.  People believe that the MLS Draft is to find depth players -- those who can be role players, either for your team or for the league, for a long, long time.  (Most people say that many players in the draft don't get signed.  If you sign one, that's a sign of a good draft.)  In that sense, Omsberg might be the diamond in the rough.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -1).  A humiliating loss in Orlando where they had a lead in the Fourth Quarter and lost it.  They then were blown out at Houston in a potential second-round matchup in the playoffs.  But me and a few members of my alumni club were at Saturday's deceptively good contest vs. the Toronto Raptors, and in a back-and-forth affair, the Timberwolves overcame an eight-point Halftime deficit to beat the Raps, 115-109, in a battle to see which team motto is northier; #AllEyesNorth beat #WeTheNorth.

Our alumni on the court acquitted themselves well.  DeMar DeRozan hit 20 on 7-for-16 shooting, while Taj Gibson paced all players with 40 minutes on the floor and a +7 while he was playing.  This was the first time I saw a game in-person, and was the first time I really focused on the team.  And, at least for this game, I was impressed.  Remember that the Wolves beat the second-best team in the Eastern Conference without Jimmy Butler or Jamal Crawford.

So the T-Wolves continue to fight San Antonio for the third-best team in the West.  They are in the middle of a spell where they play seven-of-nine on the road.  They go back on the road for contests out west -- the Clippers tonight/Monday, Portland and Golden State (the last two back-to-back, on Wednesday and Thursday).  They then return to Target Center to play Brooklyn Saturday.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -7).  The team is still in freefall, as evidenced by their ass-kickings at Maryland Thursday and to Ohio St. Saturday afternoon at MSG.  (At least the Gopher men's hockey team won, otherwise they would have gone 0-for-2 in Manhattan.)  The return of Amir Coffey didn't help.  But hey, at least they beat Penn St. in State College Monday!  This club would be riding a six-game losing streak otherwise.  The goal now is to avoid getting into the CBI.  They host Northwestern tomorrow/Tuesday.

#-7: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -4).  You know, such were the days where a team such as Michigan would be no problem for the Gopher grapplers, even if the Wolverines were ranked eighth.  But those days are long ago, and these days, the U. is losing its luster rapidly.  Yesterday/Sunday the Maize & Blue came into Maturi and humiliated the Goofers, 30-7.  Egad.

That's all I want to say about this squad.  This week: At Penn St. Friday (good luck with that), home to Northwestern Sunday.

#-8: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -5).  OK, what the fuck is wrong with this team?!?!  This is an embarrassment!  For the first time in program history, they were swept by the Ohio St. Buckeyes -- who, even though this was on the road and they were ranked only a spot or two behind the Goofers and their Head Coach is former Gopher great Nadine Muzerall ... goddamn, it's Ohio St.!  You don't lose to fucking Ohio St.!  But these guys did.  They coughed up a lead and lost Friday, 3-2, then got blow out, 5-1.

This weekend they have their final home series of the year, vs. Minnesota State-Mankato.  Can't look past the possibility they will lose both games against the Mavericks.  They then finish with St. Cloud St. and Wisconsin on the road.  The losses to the Buckeyes have done considerable damage to their PairWise, and it wasn't robust to start out with.  This team is in prime danger of missing out on the NCAA Tournament for the first time in eleven years.

#-Infinity: Vikings (Last Week: 0).  I remember the last time they were in a position like this -- nine years ago.  I was fighting with My Fucking Father at the time, so I spent most of the time during both championship games out.  I came back, watched a portion of the NFC Championship Game, then turned it off.  The game was not going as well as it could have, meaning that the Vikings weren't dominated in such a way that would make me feel good about continuing to watch them.  So I didn't.  We know what happened; therefore, I think my decision was justified.

I had a worse feeling coming into last night's game.  I thought it was going to be close, but I felt there was a chance that it was going to be a blowout.  Whatever the margin of defeat, I was certain that the ViQueens were going to lose.  The fact that too many local pundits thought they would beat the Eagles in Philadelphia was a gigantic red flag ... and should have been one for local fans doing the Skol chant all week.

Man, what a way to dash those high hopes.  I just finally checked the final score -- 38-7?!?!?!  Man, fuck this team.  I don't want to talk about them anymore.

NFC Conference Championship Prediction: Eagles 16, Vikings 10 (OT)

It's been so nice to see every building and person wearing purple.  I was just at the Timberwolves game and a few people started the Skol Chant, and every time they started, the entire crowd joined in to clap hands.

It'll suck so bad, then, after the Vikes lose.

Guys, I appreciate the sentiment and the solidarity.  But this wave of good feeling, something I haven't seen in such unanimity in past years when the team was in the playoffs, is spurred in part by the Minneapolis Miracle.  This team has screwed up so much that they haven't earned anything except doubt and skepticism.  I know the players had nothing to do with the franchise's sorry history, but the fans remember getting burned time and again.

And yet, because of Keenum-to-Diggs, a piece of good fortune that I cannot remember this organization ever receiving, I think Vikings fans have deluded themselves into thinking that God has topped punishing us and now is The Time -- especially because the Super Bowl is being played here.  Hey, I wish it were true.  If the Vikings win tomorrow, regardless of whether they win or lose SBLII, the two-week anticipation surrounding being the first team to be able to play that game in their home stadium would be nothing like this town has seen before.

However, I think the Philadelphia Eagles have the better Offensive Line and the less banged-up Defense.  Plus they have home-field advantage, which isn't everything, but is not nothing, either.  Finally, for God's sake, you have to remind yourself that THESE ARE THE VIKINGS.  They always break your heart.  And I think it's safe to assume that they'll do it again, and embarrassingly so, like 41-0 bad.

I hope I'm wrong.  But I don't think I'm wrong.

Now I've Got To Worry About This Fucking Snowstorm

In a winter where snow has been hard to come by but whose one or two inches have come at the most inopportune times of the day, we are due to get our first "actual" snowstorm, I'm afraid.  Unfortunately, it's going to be like our other clipper systems in that it'll happen at a shitty, shitty time.

Last I checked, this storm, which had been sailing north enough for us to get sleet, if not rain, has tracked back south.  That apparently means that we will take a direct hit -- at least five and up to eight inches of snow.  Hope to Buddha they're wrong; there's still time to be wrong.

But what may be as bad as how much snow we'll get is when it'll get here.  I've got nothing to do on Sunday besides watching the Vikings lose, but the storm will hit later in the evening and intensify Monday morning.  That doesn't help with having time during the day to shovel and/or plow.  But worst of all is that I have to take my parents to the airport Monday morning on my way to work.  Presuming that the flight will still go on as scheduled (a sizable if, knowing that the snowstorm could be bad), we should take side streets all the way down there.  That might take an hour, maybe 90 minutes, maybe two hours.  And my folks want to be there two hours before their flight, which is at 9.  By God, do we have to leave at, what, 5 in the morning, maybe 4 in the morning, to get there safely and on time?

Will we get there safely?  Hell, can we get out of the driveway?  The snow this time sucks because it's warm enough to have not the dry, blowy snow but the really wet snow -- heart attack snow.  I remember Grandmother trying to shovel the driveway of heart attack snow and, well, she suffered a heart attack.  I guess I should be happy that Father is here to clear the snow, 'cause I am not sure whether I can use the snowblower, and he might not want to do it if the snow is coming overnight.

It's two days out and I'm stressed as fuck over this.

Yep, Ate Too Much Again

It was when I sat down at work, after I bought chili and a Pepsi from the commissary, when I realized that I still had pizza and coffee left to consume.  And then I remembered that I drank the coffee left over from yesterday in the morning.  So that's coffee, chili, Pepsi, pizza, and more coffee.

Gosh, that's a lot.

See, my thinking was that, since my Internet bill is due, I might as well use the credit card I'm using to pay for that to pay for some food at work.  And since I want to have some pop left over for Monday and Tuesday, I might as well buy that for lunch ... and I've got to have something for the Pepsi to wash down, so I got some hearty chili.  Never mind that I had not one but two cups of coffee to down, as well as a slice of Papa John's to eat.

No wonder I'm borderline overweight.

Didn't want to go to the gym this evening, but maybe I should.  Oy.

Oh, The Third Impression Was Even Worse

You know, I don't like to get caught looking at the Internet while working.  But I should remember that I'm starting a brand-new position, with people I don't necessarily know will tolerate stuff like that.  It's worse to be caught looking at the Internet when your contact at the temp agency sees you too.

Such was the case after I got back from sleeping in my car yesterday/Thursday afternoon.  I was expecting my contact with the temp agency to come in the morning, as past members with reps dropping into my place of work have done in the past.  I had everything planned out; I stored coffee in my mug to drink in the afternoon, and the mocha she brought for me (as a treat) would be something to enjoy in the morning.

But as the hours wore on I didn't see her.  I contacted someone at the agency as was assured that she was coming.  I shrugged and headed off to my car to take a nap.  Got back, and not really five, ten minutes after sitting down, popping my headphones back into my ears, and scrolling through the Internet windows to get back to the page where I was listening to sports-talk radio where I sort-of heard a knock from behind me (damn, I need to get a mirror).  And there they were, my supervisor and the temp contact, the latter with a splashed mocha in her hand to give to me, even though I had another hot coffee waiting for me.

As I turned around and froze, I had to stop where no work was displayed on my computer.  It was the home page for the stream of the sports-talk show I was listening to.  And it bothered me and humiliated me to no end that, when the two took turns to make small talk with me -- "How's the job going?  Do you have any questions?" -- I could see that their eyes went from looking right at me to looking above my head and probably seeing the home page of, like, hot NFL cheerleaders scrolling by.  I could not have made a worse impression at that moment if I farted loud enough for the whole floor to hear.

There were a couple times during yesterday my supe caught me actually doing work.  And maybe she's chill.  Or maybe, when they excused themselves to go have a talk, they went, "Oh, did you see those naked women on that Internet page he wasn't supposed to open?  Yeah, we're just gonna have to fire him tomorrow," and I'll be canned.  I should gird myself for that possibility.

And BTW, the coffee I poured for myself yesterday morning is still in my mug.  If I remember in the morning, I'm going to pour it out into the Starbucks mocha cup my temp contact gave me, and re-pour myself actual hot coffee.  That hot coffee I hope to drink this (Friday) afternoon ... hopefully before security drags me out of the office after they fire me for surfing the Internet while at work.

You Know, I Thought A Good Night's Sleep Would Calm Me Down ...

... but then I woke up, checked my phone and saw on the splash page of the Star Tribune that a majority of Minnesotans want to give that prick's tax plan a chance, and then I hear on the radio while driving into work this morning that Shitler went through with his Fake News Awards or some shit -- RUN THE COUNTRY, YOU IDIOT!!! -- , and then some Republican asshole thinks the opioid crisis happened because of Obamacare, and now I want to murder every single Republican voter in this country.

I should end this blog post before I get caught, or before I really flip my shit.

Maybe The Second Impression Isn't Doing Me Any Favors Either

Don't know how or why, but for the past two mornings I have slept in the evening, got up super early in the morning, and fell back asleep just before my alarm rang.  That has made me fight my body in order to fully wake up, and that has caused me to get into my car and out onto the road late.  Might be because of my parents.  Anyway, yesterday/Tuesday I was late by only a few minutes because it took me a fast 40+ minutes to get to work.  But this (Wednesday) morning I was ... uh, more than late to work because of unforeseen traffic.  Well, that and I got out of the house later than the morning before.

So I got here between 8:15 and 8:30.  Luckily for me (I think) is that my supervisor is working from home today.  She hasn't been feeling well, so she told me to follow the instructions she left.  Guess I'm by myself -- for a third day in a row.  That's a good thing in the sense that I haven't got caught by her coming in super-late.

But there is one other person who is supposed to, uh, mentor me.  She's the one who's supposed to be training me.  She should have started yesterday, but apparently she's so backed up that she can't get to me, at least not yet.  I'm kind of surprised that she hasn't even taken the time to introduce herself.  But she may have caught me coming in late.  So I'm going to split the difference and report myself coming in 15 minutes late.  If the person who's supposed to mentor me calls me on it (and who knows if she even saw me), I'll say I may have had my time wrong.

In the meantime, I'll try to work while avoiding getting caught not working.

Nose Blister Thingy

Just want to note that when I press the underside of my nose, it hurts.  Don't know how it happened, but it's been bothering me for the past couple, few weeks.  It may be a result of blowing my nose, or the winter.  But it's weird that it's not going away.

Just wanted to say that.

Expenses Without Receipts

Starting from Monday, January 15:

• Well, the salad and the Papa John's I got on MLK Day I have receipts for, so I will go back to Sunday the 14th, where, because the Vikings game was an afternoon game and my body clock is still adjusted to regular people's time, I had the energy (at least in the morning) to bang out my blog post at Diamonds Coffee, just before I had to go to U.S. Bank Stadium.  Still have a free coffee coming, but I paid for a small mocha to wake me up.  With tip it came to: $5.
• After that crazy finish I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) for the first time in a long time -- like, a month.  Saw Kirah there, which surprised me; I thought the purge swept her away, too.  But it didn't, and with only two girls working the shift that started just as I walked in, I got an LD with her, who was working the previous shift.  And she hit me up for a Grape Ape, which she said cost five bucks when it actually cost $6.25.  Oh, and she got my name wrong, too.  Whatevs, she's still hot.  With the stage tips and coffee for me, the total actually was cheaper than most outings here: $35.
• On Saturday, January 13 I went to The Local for some EPL.  Sandwich, Strongbow and tip: $13.75.
• Friday the 12th -- parked downtown in the afternoon to get my shoes shined.  Estimated it to be more than half an hour, which translated to: $1.25.
• The shiner upped her prices by two bucks, I think, but I gave her the same total: $15.
• And since I didn't face a line to get my Docs shined, I had time on my meter to eat a doughnut real quick from Bogart's at the IDS Center.  With tip: $3.
• Went to exercise that afternoon.  There was a tournament going on in the other rink, and so they opened up the concession stand.  It's uncommon for me to eat there, but since I would be starting work the following week (this week) I figure that I would wreck my exercise by eating a pizza there.  With a donation for the hockey organization: $4.
• Thursday, January 11 ... first morning with my parents home.  There was a snowstorm.  Since my parents got home late, they had no energy to fix me food, so I figured that this would be as good a time as any to wake up in the morning as if I had work and go to this place close by called Roman's, which the site Roadfood touts as a place to get chicken-fried steak and a pancake.  Both of them were very good, and I'm glad I finally got to go to this place.  With tip: $15.
• Then, since I had nothing to do, I wondered what to do.  I went to the library first to work out my next steps.  I thought about working out, but the snow lingered and even intensified, so I thought that staying off the highway was the best thing to do.  So I went to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts that afternoon.  There was no exhibition I thought to catch or anything; I just went to, well, see stuff, get some culture in me.  Donated: $2.
• To Wednesday the 10th, where I went to a party just before I had to pick up my parents.  It was a dud for many reasons: one of the strippers I wanted to see wasn't there; there was no VIP; the one girl who could have been "fun" could not break away from just talking to other people; one of the three girls was new and scared the shit out of me.  I just got two dances from ********a, whose party I went to because I got in for free.  Even though I didn't have the money, I came in flush with cash.  And yet I only spent: $40.
• On Tuesday the 9th I went to see Darkest Hour.  I heard some reviews lauding Gary Oldman's performance as Winston Churchill.  I've also seen some reviews that this movie is less of a masterpiece and more like Oscar bait.  I agree with that, totally.  Wish I could say I was enthralled by Oldman, but I wasn't.  He just put in the time to affect his mannerisms, and the costume designer did the rest.  I feel as though he's still the favorite to win Best Actor at this year's Oscars, but it'll be a way to toss a long-respected actor a bone for his body of work, and not a reward for this particular role.  Grade: B, B-?  Ticket, popcorn, pop: $9.67.
• I finally had the time after the movie to wait in line to get my car washed.  I thought it'd take longer than the 20-5 minutes I waited from the time I got to the end of the line to the time they started vacuuming my car.  Charged the wash, so it's only cash for the tip: $2.
• This stripper who no-showed for the following night's party works as a barista for this coffeeshop relatively close to me.  Or at least I thought she did ... I went over there after the car wash because I wanted to see if she still worked there, and if she did, to see her in civilians clothes in order to get horned out when I saw her the next day naked.  But after seeing her, even though she was very friendly to me, I am not quite sure if she recognized me from the house parties.  Hmmm.  Pourover coffee -- real good -- plus tip: $4.75.
• Raced home because ***e* wanted to move up the time to clean my house.  I told her she could do a quick job, but after seeing how much she skipped, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.  Oh, well; as I write this, Father hasn't complained about the house being dirty.  Paid her the usual: $120.
• Finally, to commemorate my last night before my folks came home, I went to Caffetto to have time to myself.  Apple pie with a small coffee served as my late dinner.  With tip: $6.

Unless I'm missing something, I'm through to MLK, Jr. Day.

First Day Thoughts

Well, it went as well it could.  In fact, it was, uh, easy.

Three reasons why:

1. The person who is supposed to train me was still on vacation, I think, surprisingly;
2. My supervisor who I will answer to was sick and left in the afternoon;
3. I did not have access to the software I need to start with my work.

Because we kind of hit the ground stumbling (even after two weeks of furlough, which I kind of could see), my supervisor said that this would be a "down" day.  I'm cool with taking it is, if she is.  But the first time she went over to my desk blindsided me a bit.  The first thing she told me to do in the morning (after giving me a tour of my floor) is to situate myself, see if I could get into all the programs I could in my previous post at the company, and catch up on all the e-mails that accumulated in the two weeks I was gone.  Honestly, I took my sweet time and starting going on the Internet because I needed to order some pizza to bring home for dinner.

That's when she came over to see what was going on with me.  That was almost two hours into the day, and so I might have pushed things, come to think of it.  Uh, so did I make a bad first impression?

I probably made a bad first impression.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Vikings (Last Week: -1).  Ladies and gentlemen, the "Minneapolis Miracle" from an on-field angle:



I really should tuck this team lower than the Timberwolves. It isn't fair. But I've been a lifelong fan of the ViQueens, and I and every other Vikes fan can tell you that good fortune never, and I mean never, happens to this club.  I watched it happen on a monitor and I couldn't believe it.  For crissake, I have to go to sleep real soon and I still can't believe it.  I believe I'm sleeping now, that this game-ending Touchdown to win a game (the first time that has happened in NFL postseason history) is a cruel dream I am going to wake from as soon as the alarm sounds.

But assuming this is reality, I feel as though I need to chronicle it.  This will go down as One Of The Greatest Plays In Minnesota Vikings History, remembered fondly for all eternity regardless of what happens from here on out.  And that fortune somehow did smile upon this team when it is usually met with frowns is something to not only commemorate, but cherish.  So, OK, I'll give the Vikings the top spot this screening week.

Now, on to Philadelphia, where I know the Vikings will lose.  Let's face harsh reality: This squad should have lost this game.  The Defense was fantastic in the First Half, and the Offense played well enough to give them a 17-0 lead.  But starting near the end of the Second Quarter, the offensive stagnation that has set in since December bog them down again.  Meanwhile, New Orleans adjusted to the Defense, and once the Saints took the lead for the first time with three minutes left to go, I (and I know every other Vikes fan) was saying, "Heh, 'Bring It Home?'  What fucking bullshit."  I don't think the inability to move the ball is going away next week.  Meanwhile, the Offensive Line was gassed at the end of the game.  Worst of all, Andrew Sendejo and Shamar Stephen, two pieces of what once was an incredibly-healthy D, maybe not be available for the NFC Championship Game.

The Vikes were installed as 3 1/2-point favorites in Las Vegas.  That's ridiculous considering what the Eagles were able to do in Saturday's victory over Atlanta and what Minnesota was not able to do yesterday (Sunday) evening.  I thought they were going to lose to the Saints; might as well stick with what I feel and bet against them again Sunday.

#-1: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3).  Overshadowed in all the hoopla over the "Minneapolis Miracle" last (Sunday) night was that both the Timberwolves and the Wild were playing at home later in the evening.  So of course fans of both teams who came early were able to watch the end of the game.

This is an edited version of the play at Target Center:

Damian Lillard, #Saints fan? This is quite a reaction to the Diggs walkoff. #Vikings pic.twitter.com/F322hFTe83

— Ben DuBose (@BenDuBose) January 15, 2018

Have to echo Mr. DuBose: Not a fan of the Vikes, Lil? OK, the Timberwolves crushed your Portland Trail Blazers, 120-103, to finish a perfect screening week (4-0) and go undefeated in their five-game homestand. Jimmy Butler may have replaced Karl-Anthony Towns and Andrew Wiggins as the alpha dog on this club.  But if that new pecking order means giving Cleveland and LeBron James their worst loss of the season and then crushing The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics, and then coming back to defeat New York, well, this team might be all the better for it.

The playoff drought has to end this season.  I just has to.  And they'll have weeks like this one this year, I just know it.  The Woofie Dogs will be alpha dogs on a survey soon.  This week they play every other day.  The Wolves travel to Orlando and Houston, then host Toronto in a game where me and my alumni club are going to.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -5).  Here's the scene at the X when Keenum-to-Diggs happened:

#Skol @Vikings!!!! #BringItHome pic.twitter.com/yrnPoDWlVe

— Minnesota Wild (@mnwild) January 15, 2018

The Wild could've made it three-for-three in Twin Cities pro teams winning on the same evening in Minnesota, but alas, the Mild failed to hold up their end of the bargain with a come-from-ahead loss to sucky Vancouver, 3-2 in Overtime.  This was the second time this week they lost at Xcel by a score of 3-2 to a Canadian team in OT; they lost to The Bastard Atlanta Flames by said score Tuesday.  Despite a road win over Chicago the day after the Flames loss and a convincing 4-1 win over The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers before the Canucks loss, this 2-2 week puts them out of the playoff picture heading into their bye week, which is only a five-game break.  They resume play Saturday at home versus an excellent Tampa Bay team.

#-3: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6).  And now we get to Dinkytown.  In a weird reversal of fortune, after many years it's the professional teams that are buoying local sports while Golden Gophers athletics are bringing the survey down.

It's hard to pick the best of the teams this week, but I am going with the women's b-ball squad.  They trounced Penn St. in State College, Wednesday, then were a Kenisha Bell toss off a Carlie Wagner steal from stealing a win at ranked Rutgers, but alas, it was too strong.  That miss proved pivotal as the Scarlet Rutgers ripped the U. in OT to win, 80-70.  Well, at least I see one bracketologist think they're at least on the outskirts of reaching the NCAA Tournament.

They are home this week for games vs. Wisconsin Thursday and Iowa Sunday.

#-4: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -2).  Got the shit beat out of them at Ohio St. Friday by a score of 31-7.  That would have been unheard-of in the J Robinson Era.  Yesterday (Sunday) afternoon they eked out a 17-14 win over Illinois at Maturi -- also unheard-of.  They host Michigan Sunday afternoon.

#-5: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!).  This team lost to Vermont Friday.  At Ridder.  To fucking Vermont.  Doesn't matter that they rebounded with a 6-1 win Saturday; the fact that a ranked Goofers club dropped a home game versus an unranked Catamounts program shows how far in disarray this team -- and maybe this program -- is right now.  We have to start to question whether this team will even make the NCAA Tournament this year.  I'm serious!

A road twofer against Ohio St. this weekend wouldn't make me think twice.  Now, I have to.

#-6: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4).  And these guys are even worse shape than their female analogues.  They got swept at home by Michigan.  Swept!!!!  This team is now just bobbing above .500 overall (13-12-1) and are now a pathetic 4-9-1 in the Big Ten.  Worst of all, they slipped from ninth to 15th in the PairWise with that humiliating pair of defeats at Mariucci.  This team and this program are in serious freefall.  And I'm not sure a special weekend series vs. Michigan St., where they play Thursday in East Lansing and Saturday night in Madison Square Garden as part of the B1G's "Super Saturday College Hoops & Hockey Doubleheader" in The World's Most Famous Areana will change the fact this these guys are now a bubble team, and it's popping very, very soon.

#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -7).  And yet at least none of these U. teams are the men's b-ball team.  Man, what a nosedive; going from a chic darkhorse pick to reach the Final Four to, with the looming suspension and expulsion of Reggie Lynch to the injury to Amir Coffey, a team looking at a high seed for the NIT.  That's what happens when you get blasted at Northwestern by 23 and then get emasculated at Williams by fifth-ranked Purdue by -- ugh -- 34.

Their busy screening week consists of three non-home games.  They are at Penn St. tonight/Monday and at Maryland Thursday.  They then play Ohio St. Saturday afternoon in New York City.  I just realized that it is the University of Minnesota that will be the headlining school for the "BTN Super Saturday (at Madison Square Garden)" ... and it's possible both Golden Goofers teams could lose in putrid fashion for all of New York to see.

Being Useful For My Parents

So I get the news that my folks are leaving for their trip not Saturday morning, not Sunday morning, but Monday morning.  Which means that I have a full weekend with these guys before they leave.

That ain't the worst thing, I guess.  Father, somehow, fixed the leaks enough whereby I think it's safe to leave open.  (Seriously, Father, just a clamp?)  But one thing that struck me about them still being here even though they're not going to be here, if you know what I mean.

After Father showed me what parts of the pipes not to touch and asking for directions in Florida (they're spending a few days there), Mother asked me, again, an inane question about one of the bills I paid for her while they were away.  She then said that she'll give me a ledger with which to write down all those transactions.

My God.  My fucking God.  This is a woman who, when I pay one of their bills, has me write down the date of the payment, the total of the payment, and the confirmation number of the payment on the statement.  I have to write down the total even though the goddamn total's on the statement itself.  And all three of these things will show up on the monthly statement that's sent to the house, not to mention would immediately be available if one pulls up the statement online.

This just feels like more goddamn unnecessary paperwork.  Why am I writing this down?  Why?  It's not like Mother's fucking gonna see it.  But because I'm living under their roof, I have to do this.

And I have this extremely bad feeling that I'll be spending a fucking hour each night updating this shit ledger.  And I thought after Mother said this incredibly stupid thing, "How am I going to have time to do this?  If I were back in school, I would have no time to study because I have to write all this shit down every fucking day?!"  And then I thought ... "Wait -- maybe she's thinking that since I in fact am not in school, I indeed would have time to write all this stupid shit down every fucking day."

Could that be Mother's thinking?  That since I have ostensibly nothing else to do, she thinks I have time to do this?  I sure as hell don't want to be my parents' accountant, but it may be that she wants this done and she sees that I have the time to do it, so like two puzzle pieces that fit, it would be perfect for me to do this.  Which is fucking ridiculous, and yet would make sense (if you go down the rabbit hole) at the same time.

So if I go back to school, does this mean I don't have to do this ledger?  'Cause right now, if that's the implicit deal, I'd so take it.

Teaching Tape?

So I went to the physical therapist Friday because, after a quick upswing in health, my back was getting worse again.  I know this is a situation where you want to see that person on a regular basis, but I hadn't seen him since October, and I don't know if my new job at the health insurance place would give me the time to see him, so I wanted to make sure I saw him at least this once.

The therapist believes I should see him on the regular; my back was so hurting during our session that I now kind of believe him.  But one of the new things he did to me was apply tape from the middle of my back to just above my asscrack.  This is not that kinesiology tape you see all over athletes.  He told me that this tape is just to reinforce what proper posture is when I sit; whenever I feel a tug in my back, that indicates that I'm sitting wrong.

I'm supposed to take this off in a couple days.  I plan to rip it off at US Bank Stadium after the Vikings lose game.  But one of things that's a huge pain-in-the-ass right now, as I type this, is the wetness this mass of bandages retains after I took a shower.  It is so wet that I am naked right now, lest I get the clothes I will wear wet.  I asked the therapist if it's OK to shower with; he said as long as I don't scrub it, it'll be fine.  But that has nothing to do with it being water-proof or -resistant.  And feeling the moisture on the small of my back, this teaching/training tape is neither.

Just want to make sure this teaching tape dries enough in time for dinner.  And I hope to Buddha neither of my parents notice the tape.  They'll just inundate me with stupid questions if I get caught.

The Heat Is On, For Crissake

The one big downside to my parents coming home (although I am sure there will be others in the time they're here) is that they want the heat on.  Up to 70 degrees.  70?  I sometimes thought 65 was too hot, but they want it at 70.

That means that I have woken up the past two mornings almost sweating.  It'll be a relief, in fact, to step out into the single-digit weather we have outside right now.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: I think Grandmother, when she was in this very room to sleep, was driven crazy by the decision to jack up the heat in here when it wasn't necessary.  She couldn't complain, though, because she was old and she stayed in the house for free.  But to think she couldn't do anything but endure this god-awful heat, for years?  I'm not saying that she wasn't demented, or that that situation somehow contributed to her dementia.  They were probably two different things.  But to feel so alone under such oppressive conditions?  This is fucking bullshit, tbh, and that Father just turned off the heat doesn't change that.

Nvm.  The heat's back on.  I'm outta here.

Only He Alone Can Fix It

Not only was picking my parents up from the airport last night painless, it was convivial.  It may have been the result of starting off on the right foot.  Past halfway home, Father asked me about the weather here.  I told him that after the rain we were having during our drive, we would have snow tomorrow, and then cold for the next few days.  "So you came home just in time," I told him, to which he actually laughed.

Father was actually pleasant thereafter.  That meant fixing the problem with the leaky pipes with him a lot more tolerable.  Well, actually, he fixed it -- or, um, "fixed" it.  He put back a clamp with better tubing, and even though the pinhole leak (or leaks) was stopped up, it was still dripping down the pipe into the pail I practically installed underneath that pipe.  And he didn't do anything with either main shutoff valve; he just turned them down so that less what would pour out.  But he at least (that damnable phrase, "at least") thanked me for trying.  Yeah, he told me I didn't listen when he said before he left that I should use a clamp with that better tubing, but ... shoot, my brother wasn't being an asshole when I visited his place Christmas Eve, and we shared so much good feelings between each other since we got home, so I'm going to let that slide.

I've got to be honest: I'm glad they're home, if only because Father can now fix the pipes.  Well, he says that after my parents get done cleaning a house this morning, he's going to get -- what's that called -- a compression fitting (?) that should provide a better temporary solution before he just calls someone to replace all the copper pipes in the house.  (I've heard sounds all over the place, and now I'm afraid there's just water dripping from leaky pipes around the entire house.)  For matters like plumbing, I trust him, almost implicitly.  I have very little knowledge of these things, of course, and I'm not entirely certain he knows.  Plus, I defer to him because it's his house.  But, hate to say it (this makes me sound like a lazy Trump supporter) just letting him take care of it is a burden off my shoulders.  Besides, if anything happens, there will be three people who can take care of it.

Now, am I under any illusion that everything will be hunky-dory by the time I get home for dinner after I get done with this?  Uh, a little.  Which means I have to re-wire my thinking and get real pessimistic real quick.  Hey, at least they're leaving in a week.

Golly, The Car Wash

I have to say this before the snow and cold set in: I have never, and I mean NEVER, seen the car wash so busy as I have the past few days.  It seems as though every Minnesotan concluded there was no real reason to wash their cars during our recent cold spell, but once the temperatures rose above average starting this past weekend, EVERYBODY wanted to get the crap off and out of their cars.

I mean, I tried going Sunday to the closets car wash I trust, and there was such a line that it backed out onto the street.  I have NEVER seen that before.  I thought I'd go back Monday afternoon, when it wasn't the weekend and people had to work (unlike me), but the queue was just as long.  I finally decided I needed to get my car washed to pick up my parents today, so I decided to wait in line, even if I kind of was idling in the intersection for a minute or two.  It took me 20-5 minutes from the time I got in line to the time someone began vacuuming the inside of my car.  Wow.

Just wanted to note that.

Wow ... Do I Really Have ... No Money?

So just before writing this and catching up on my expenses at Caffetto, I went to the ATM in anticipation for the stripper part I plan on going to today/Thursday.  And for the first time ever, I've been told that I have reached my daily limit.

Wow.  My first thought is still, Is that true?  I pulled out some money to pay ***e* to clean my house, but I am sure it was well below the daily limit.  Either I forgot that I had taken money out earlier yesterday/Wednesday, or someone's been effing with my account.

Nevertheless the epiphany hit me like a hammer.  I have spent a lot of money, I am still spending a lot of money, and these two weeks of unemployment are taking a mighty toll.  But I didn't think I hit any limit of some sort, even if it's daily.  But if I have, it brings into stark relief how -- gulp -- broke I am right now.  I have somehow skirted the reality of it for years.  But when I got my card rejected, not once but twice ... shoot, maybe I shouldn't go that party.

Well, no, of course I am.  But I will go to the bank to get this all sorted out.  And oh, I have a couple checks that came in; I'll deposit those, take out some money, and then I'll be good to go.  Der, right?

Seriously, When Are My Folks Coming Home?

Before writing this I was scrolling back through my previous blog posts, and lo and behold, I had not updated this blog post about my parents coming home in December.  I should have written (if I haven't somewhere in Wailing And Failing) that they didn't.  The plane that they were supposed to come in got cancelled (Spirit gonna Spirit), and when I called her about contingency plans, Mother said that they didn't need to come home because the tenant who was leaving last month, which means that my folks would have to return here to clean out the house the tenant is leaving, instead is leaving next month -- or around today.

So, OK, when?  The last few times I've talked to them, they say they're coming home.  Mother continues to say the 10th, or tomorrow.  But because they fucked me over before (thought I wrote it somewhere), I've been checking My Father's e-mail to see if they received a receipt of a flight reservation they made and didn't tell me.  Haven't seen it yet, which is really weird.  They have spontaneously reserved flights to places, but never the day before.  That makes me scared that they have redirected any correspondence from Spirit to Mother's e-mail address (whose password I do not know) or they quickly deleted the receipt as soon as it was sent because they knew they were looking and are looking to fuck me over again.

Or, they're not coming home.  Which is weird, because, at this point, they do have to come home.  And it's not just the tenant leaving their property.  There is still the water leaks.  Plus, they're going on a cruise in about ten days' time, and they have to get clothes for their trip -- at least I assume they do.

As with anything, I'm torn.  I really do want Father to see the water pipes and make a decision on what to do.  Beyond that, they can stay the fuck away.  Or they can come, because they will be leaving shortly thereafter.  They just need to fucking tell me!  And they haven't.

So now I am at home, not spending money before I spend money at the movies, worried that my parents are coming home this evening, when I have my stripper girlfriend coming over to try and clean without water.

Things I don't know, things I don't know -- seriously, when are my folks coming home?

Expenses Without Receipt

Starting from Sunday, January 7:

• I am getting low on money -- I should blog about that soon -- so I think I am going to try and charge anything I need and want and just pay with it with the money I should be getting once I get back to work.  But you can't charge when you go to a woman for sex.  On Friday, January 5, it was straight cash homey.  ****e was great.  I should write about this too, because I've never been treated this way before.  Total: $120.
• I went to the Lana Del Rey concert that evening.  Why?  I'm not a total fan, like I am for U2.  But I love some of the songs I've heard, and I was bewitched by her performance of her first hit, "Video Games," on Letterman (even though the clip I embedded in this blog post apparently has been taken down).  I've since dug "Summertime Sadness" (although it was that more famous dance remix from this Cedric Gervais dude) and really fell in love with, well, "Love," the first single from her latest album, Lust For Life.  Finally, Minneapolis' Target Center was the first stop for her L.A. To The Moon Tour, the first tour where she's headlining at arenas.  The novelty convinced me to go.  And -- uh, I don't have much to compare it against, but it was, uh, fine ... I think?  I did like the fact that I could walk up to the box office and pay cash for a ticket without any stupid damn convenience fees.  It was weird to get a concert ticket and 50 cents back.  Cost of admission: $39.50.
• Thursday, January 4 ... ate the prime rib from home just in time to get to the Nomad Pub.  Not too long ago, when I was unemployed, I would go there on Monday afternoons and watch the EPL game on at that time.  But I've been told they aren't open weekday afternoons anymore ... unless Tottenham Hotspur are on.  I don't remember how or when they became a Spurs pub.  Anyway, it just so happens that Tottenham had matches on both Tuesday and Thursday.  What a coincidence!  Better to watch matches at a bar than exercise, amirite?  Anyway, I should clarify myself: I got there just in time to find a parking spot for free, go to Chipotle, eat my carnitas burrito, then head to the Nomad to see the start of the match.  Bought chips too, and I bought a Surly Furious (which was on Happy Hour) to wash those chips down.  With tip: $6.
• On Wednesday the 3rd I went to arguably The Best Laundromat In The Twin Cities, which I detailed here.  It wasn't bad, although the clothes didn't dry like I thought they would.  I am satisfied, even though I can see how washing and drying your clothes at a place like this can really set you back.  I added three quarters to make sure my coloreds would be dry, so even though there was a dollar off washing machines, I still had to spend: $8.75.
• To prepare for my interview the next day, I went to the library to print out a resume and my list of references, which set me back only: 20 cents.
• I then went to Moler to get a shave.  Can't do it at home; all those minutes I need to run the water would flood the basement.  But I appreciate the guy was extremely meticulous shaving me.  He was dressed nice, too, maybe a little too nice.  Oh, well.  Total with tip: $9.
• I finally wound my evening going to Caribou.  The coffee company sent me a special e-mail saying that Perks Members can try out this thing called a Candy Bar Mocha before every other peon in the world.  That makes me feel special, so I had to do it before it's released to the public the next day.  I just didn't have time to drink it in the morning.  So I made sure I drank it before 5 o'clock, which I have read is the time my circadian rhythms naturally kick in endorphines, thereby making my consumption of consumption redundant.  I liked it, even though it was sweet as hell.  What I didn't know is that the Candy Bar Mocha was, in fact, complimentary, at least according to the barista.  I thought it was exclusive, but I still had to pay for it.  That I didn't have to pay for this small mocha ... man, that's a good thing.  I still tipped, however: $1.
• Tuesday the 2nd: Saw Coco.  I liked the twist in the middle, but I got the feeling this movie wasn't as sophisticated as other Pixar movies.  The titular character is the great-grandmother, and it's to Pixar's credit that every earned crease on her face looks vividly real.  I wasn't as moved from this movie as other people, but the scene where Miguel started singing to Coco in order to get her to remember her father, and where Coco finally fought through the fog of her memory to sing back to him, was touching.  Anyway, I watched enough movies to get a $5 voucher that I used for this movie.  That meant the ticket was free, so a small popcorn and pop came out to just: $4.30.
• Coco ended just in time for me to go the Nomad.  This time I got a Surly Hell to wash down my Chipotle chicken tacos.  Unfortunately I was, like, 37 seconds late to the start of the match.  I knew what to do for Thursday.  With tip the beer cost me: $6.
• I then went to Up-Down, a video arcade for grown-ups who grew up going to video arcades when they were kids.  I know of at least two similar adult arcades that went belly-up, one downtown and another called Rusty Quarters.  With their failures, I thought the arcade was no longer a viable concept.  But on this Tuesday night, the place was packed.  Maybe these guys know what the secret to success is.  I was there to say goodbye to a friend who I had only seen once, when we were extras for this online commercial.  He's going to Missouri to see his girlfriend, then hightailing it to Los Angeles to become a movie star.  I wish him well.  He was so generous with his quarters/tokens that I only spent one of my own.  With beer, pizza and tips for both the total came out to: $14.
• Let's bring it all the way back to last year, specifically Saturday, December 30, 2017, where I spent my morning watching the EPL at The Local.  With tip: $14.
• Went to the University of Minnesota men's hockey game that evening, even though it was dead cold.  Hey, when I bought a ticket for this game at the State Fair, it was warm.  Hot dog, small Coke and program, and because warming up was a good time to try it, I went to the Jax Cafe stand and, after seeing that they ran out of their wild rice soup, I had their prime rib chili, too.  With the tip for the chili the total cost for the game was: $18.50.
• Somewhere along the Mariucci concourse I found a dime.  An Infusion of: 10 cents.
• Went to Glam Doll afterwards.  With tip: $8.23.
• On Friday the 29th I went to our alumni club's watering hole.  Misery loves company, as they say, and although the game was quite miserable, there was a lot of company for the game that I really enjoyed.  Since it was our last party for the season, I tipped generously.  Total: $20.
• To Boxing Day, where I wanted to see The Disaster Artist in the evening but saw that there was a huge line -- guessing it was for either The Last Jedi or for Jumanji 2.  When I got to the front of the line I actually bought a ticket for the late show and decided to go home.  I don't know if the movie is as good as other people say it was.  I can't get over the fact that the movie this movie is based on, The Room ... well, it sucks.  Sure, you can say this is a testament to the stick-to-itiveness of making a movie.  But when the audience at the end was laughing, they were laughing at Tommy Wiseau, not with him.  Well, I got a medium pop for the price of a small.  With popcorn and the ticket it cost me: $9.67.
• Saturday the 23rd: Went to Glam Doll.  Plus tip: $10.29.

Good through January 7.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Just another reminder: With the advent of another year, we reset The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey to the day of the week corresponding with January 8.  That means for 2018, the survey comes out on Mondays.  Hope I can still do them on a regular basis; I felt I could breathe when the WMNSS was on Sundays.  I had time to do them, usually.  Anyway:

#-1: Vikings (Re-Entry!).  With their somewhat convincing win over the Chicago Bears to end the season 13-3, this edition of the Vikes are the best since the 2009 edition.  They may not have gotten the #1 seed in the National Football Conference, but the team that did, the Philadelphia Eagles, go into the postseason without their starting Quarterback, Carson Wentz, the main reason for that club's turnaround.  In fact, of the six teams in the NFC, general consensus is that the Eagles are the worst of the six.  That means that it's possible that the Vikings will play at U.S. Bank Stadium for their Divisional Game, the Conference Championship Game ... and, if they win out, Super Bowl LII, thereby becoming the first team in National Football League history to play for the Lombardi Trophy in their home stadium.  And with their top-notch defense, I think this team has as good a chance as any Vikings team in history to finally reach the Super Bowl in my memory.

So why in the hell am I placing these guys at -1, even though this squad gets the top spot?  Well, first of all, I watched all the Wild Card games this weekend, and both Atlanta and New Orleans look formidable.  I'm scared.  (And it's not lost on me that both the Saints and the Falcons are the two franchises that eliminated the last two best Vikings teams in history.  This is cosmically aligning for this franchise to exorcise some demons, and that possibility scares me.)  Also, the offense has been sputtering the last few games even though they were facing poor teams that had mailed it in already.  The Offensive Line is banged up; Nick Easton is out for the year and Pat Elflein is going to make a go of it for Sunday's Div Game.  Finally, my pessimism stems from the fact that ... THIS IS THE FUCKING VIKINGS!!!  THEY ONLY EXIST TO BREAK YOUR HEART!!!

Cross your fingers.  And pray.  That's all we can do.

#-2: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -6).  Routed Michigan St. at Maturi Pavilion yesterday (Sunday) 29-3 to begin conference play even though four starters sat this one out.  Doesn't much about the U., or Sparty, for that matter.  Busy weekend for the grapplers; at Ohio St. Friday, home to Illinois Sunday.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  In an incredibly busy past eight days, the Woofie Dogs went 3-2.  They won home games against The Bastard Minneapolis Lakers and The Bastard Charlotte Hornets as well as at Indiana.  But there was a short two-game roadie, and they dropped both games, inexplicably to Brooklyn by a point and predictably to Boston by seven.  Nevertheless they retain the fourth spot in the Western Conference, so they remain on track to end their playoff drought at 13 seasons.

That victory over New Orleans began a five-game homestand which concludes this screening week.  In another busy span, they will host Cleveland, The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics, New York and Portland.

#-4: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Split with St. Cloud St. -- make that the top-ranked team in the country St. Cloud St. -- in a special Saturday-Sunday home-and-home; both schools held serve.  Saturday's game at Brooks was awful, 5-2.  But with Casey Mittelstadt and Ryan Lindgren coming back for the U. (as well as St. Cloud St. Head Coach Bob Motzko) from the World Juniors in Buffalo, where the U.S. finished third, it looks as though that was the lift the Gophers needed to take out the top team in the land at Mariucci last (Sunday) night.  Nothing special; #1 ranked teams lose all the time.  Still it's good, especially considering the still middling .500 record the U. is sporting.

Next week they get back to the B1G grind as they host Michigan -- conventionally, on Friday and Saturday.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Overall the Mild didn't experience a bad screening week.  They drubbed Florida (5-1) and Buffalo (6-2) at the X before going to Denver and getting drubbed themselves by The Bastard Quebec Nordiques, a club whose voodoo doll they have stored in their office, by a 7-2 score.  But with that, they supplant the Mild for the final playoff spot in the Western Conference, and that's why this team is so low.  The only good news is that both Charlie Coyle and Zach Parise appear to be back, so now this team is (theoretically at least) finally 100%.

This week they have a pair of back-to-backs.  They host The Bastard Atlanta Flames Tuesday and visit Chicago Wednesday in basically the least taxing back-to-back one can have.  Then they host The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers (all these bastard teams!) Saturday and Vancouver Sunday.

#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4).  This 1-2 screening week should be emblematic about how adrift this program continues to be.  I don't think Nebraska's a juggernaut, yet they beat the Golden Goofers at home on New Year's Eve, 79-74.  They then got blasted by Ohio St., a good team, at Columbus Thursday, 91-75.  At least they survived Michigan St., 83-77, at Williams yesterday (Sunday).  But, geez, can we definitively say that this squad ain't making the NCAAs this year, either?  This week they're out east -- at Penn St. Wednesday, at Rutgers Saturday.

#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -2).  But even though the vagina Dinkytown ballers were under .500 for the week, I don't think any local team had a worse week than the penis Dinkytown ballers.  They finished their six-game homestand with a victory over Illinois and a come-from-ahead defeat to Indiana.  But the big news is that Reggie Lynch has been suspended for at least two years for an investigation into an allegation of sexual assault.  If you think Lynch had been cleared of sexual assault, you're right.  This is another one.  I don't know how you can suspend a college player for two years, especially if the player can just transfer.  But that's just another bad thing that is ruining what was supposed to be a very good year for the U. on the court.

Oh, and on top of that, Amir Coffey was hurt and unavailable for the loss to the Hoosiers Saturday.  This season -- and this program -- is spiraling out of control.  This week: At Northwestern Wednesday, home to Purdue Saturday.